A Master's 'right' to play with others

[CutieMouse]

Slut, where did you put my tweezers?! I can't match this pane to the philatelic catalog if I can't hold it!

/hijack

Oh, you could have the bottom cuffed and kneeling with tongue stuck out to lick stamps when needed. I could totally see potential here.

There are moments where I think what a waste it is that Topping does nothing for me... 'cause some sort of humiliatingly mundane human stamp pad thing was my first thought, too.

 

[BiBunny]

True. I think we were looking at "open" relationships in general. I know I mentioned swinging as well, which is different again.

I admit to not reading too well because I was in a hurry, so I'm pretty sure I missed where the thread turned.

 

[Homburg]

It's not because fair's fair and I have a fairness fetish (lol) that I like symmetry on this one, it's based on observation of what happens without it. I know it's chauvenistic, oh well. My judgment isn't on if it's nice or pretty or right or wrong, but if it tends to work or not work. You probably instinctually agree with me on this account based on your own decision not to be a test case.

I do, yes. The second part of my statement was not aimed at you. I've just seen it like 18 dozen times in other places, and, hell, here as well.

"But how could you say that you can fuck other people but she can't?!?"

The same way I can say that I'm going to fuck her in the ass, but she is not allowed to grab a strap-on and peg me. Or that I can pick up ye olde strop and lay into her, but she has no stropping options aimed at me. It's not an equal relationship.

For whatever reason, it seems people's brains turn off when it comes to fucking other people in an unequal relationship. They forget that unequal part and it kinda boggles me.

If you know a lot of people like this where it works well, please refer me to these relationships I'm overlooking, cause I've seen way more go explody than not. I know it's people and not structures that work or don't intellectually, but in this case I just don't see it much.

I also never said that the slave has to be the one to pick who, how, or when they fuck other people, just that there is usually a better track record if that's in the "I fuck other people" mix. There are examples aplenty of slaves who don't get to control the sexual interactions with others and love it like that. That, for better or for worse, appears to work more often, in my observations.

I'm sure there are happy couples in which no one touches slave boy biff and I have lots of sex and play, but I don't know them.

Isn't this kind of unequal fuck-about behaviour the very cornerstone of cuckolding? The woman wanders off and fucks who she wants and the cuck stays home.

Either way, I'm not way active on the poly scene. I have little enough contact on the BDSM scene that I barely claim any clues there. But these things can work, and I have seen it happen. *shrug* humans are weird.

--

There are moments where I think what a waste it is that Topping does nothing for me... 'cause some sort of humiliatingly mundane human stamp pad thing was my first thought, too.

Pfft. My ego is solid enough that I have no problem taking the twisted creativity of my bottom and running with her ideas. It can, in fact, be a helluva lot of fun.

 

[Netzach]

Isn't this kind of unequal fuck-about behaviour the very cornerstone of cuckolding? The woman wanders off and fucks who she wants and the cuck stays home.

I'm so close to it, duh, I forgot about it as a permutation. Yes, it works if one of you sexualizes the jealousy, denial, and non-inclusion. Perfectly, often. Not a lot of people do, and not a lot of women do, but some really twisted emotionally maso sorts exist, and thank God.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

This is true. Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies and overthink things, or not think about them enough. But it's always wise to consider the consequences and the emotions behind things when an experience is new.

Oh, I'm a classic overthinker. However, I'm also trying to not stifle my feelings on things because that leads to bottling, and then explosions, so that leads to some *over* reactions at times. Once I get a handle on myself again, I can think rationally.

It's a steep learning curve. But one I need to climb.

 

[Black_Bunny]

Ok, first of all, maybe I missed it, but I'm not sure how we went from "threesome" to "polyamory." The two aren't the same. But maybe there was some part of the thread I missed.

Secondly, if you don't want to do it, but you're doing anyway because it's what your partner wants, I have some advice. It's a bad idea to do it that way, but if you're bound, bent, and determined to do it, anyway, then for God's sake, don't sit back and be all resentful and blame your partner and the other girl. Own your shit. I'm going through that bullshit right now (have been for quite some time), and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. It's not the other girl's fault that your partner wants to fuck someone else!

The "threesome/poly/swinging/whatever" stuff is all mushed into one issue for me, my opening post was about if a Master should be allowed to sleep with others, but it also encompasses basically anything sexual involving other people that the Master might decide for himself, his slave, or both. Then I revived the thread because my Dominant and I had a threesome and I was confused with the emotions coming out of that.

I understand what you're saying about doing it for the wrong reasons. My Dominant doesn't actually want to play with others, I just want to be able to say that yes he could if he wanted to because I have a handle on my own security and emotions.

While BDSM and polyarmory don't go hand in hand, BDSM and strong emotions do. Do not ever expect this to be easy. If you wanted easy, you could've stuck with vanilla.

That said, you have a much better chance of fulfillment when you are actively striving for fulfillment. Not that BDSM is a magic fulfillment pill, but more that trying something new has a greater chance of getting what you want than just doing nothing and hoping that things will get better.

I didn't consider if this would be harder than a vanilla life when I began. I thought it fits me so well, it is what I am, it makes sense to me. The other night I thought to myself, maybe the price you pay for such amazing highs is the incredible lows. Then I thought, I can learn from these 'lows', and I'm not going to be scared off what could be a fantastic life just because it's different and has its difficult points.

BB, one thought I had is whether you are looking at how you deal with pushing your boundaries. in general. I suspect this would benefit from a similar approach. For instance, do you do better jumping into the deep end, or with baby steps?

I'm not sure that I ever really have pushed my boundaries. It's only been the past year that I've really done anything with my life, and I suppose that all began with being pushed into the deep end...not me jumping willingly, kicking and screaming, dragged into the deep end. For six months I fought it, until finally I woke up to myself and started to get on with life. I have had a lot of people comment on how I've 'flourished' and grown considering the circumstances. So if I go by that... I guess being pushed is what I need, and then some time to deal with it.

Sounds more like you're ok with the general concept and just want to learn how to deal with the attached emotions.

I've learned that, for me at least, it's better to let them run their course. Let yourself feel everything, and then as easternsun said, sit down and think about.

When I think with a clear head that isn't crowded by 'what if' thoughts, it's much easier for me to work out what I'm good with, and what I might be overreacting to a bit.

Yes, exactly... just dealing with the emotions of it all

Edited to add: I know not all the posts here are directed specifically to me, but I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for your thoughts, for helping me sort out the stuff in my head

 

[funkygreeneyedlady]

I may have missed a similar post already... so if so, sorry

Ok, so I'm posting this here because it has to do with an aspect in my opening post; about introducing a third person.

Last weekend we had our first threesome with one of my female friends. It wasn't planned, although we all had discussed it before. My friend was adamant that she wasn't going to do anything with my Dominant, since he is my boyfriend. He didn't push that either, so most (but not all) of the activity was him ordering me and my friend to do things to each other, which was fine. Some moments here and there though I thought to myself, hang on, we haven't really discussed this, I'm letting my boyfriend finger some other girl! I still feel like I am very much his only girl, and he didn't push me too far, just enough to get me past my inhibitions (as I'd never been with a girl before).

It still feels weird when I think about it (the parts involving him and her), it actually doesn't really bother me all that much, but I am struggling with a few niggling feelings - I can't tell if it's doubts about how he feels about me, or society's conditioning telling me it's not acceptable for my partner to be with another woman.

I think from the sounds of what everyone is saying I read through the many posts regarding your concerns and everyone has extremely valid points for these similar situations and dealing with the emotions that one can mentally carry on prior and afterwords with this kind of sexual experience.

So, again, if I missed this, my apologies for repeating this; and also I am fairly new to this lifestyle and it's learn as you go... so please correct my assumptions if I am wrong (I not only appreciate but hope that you will)
That being said, it may be obvious, and you may have already done this, but, I understand from my small amount of knowledge, your dominant is there as your master, your center (so to speak) he/she is there to make your experience valued, the best possible and and ever experience is suppose to help you and you Dom have a more successful relationship, I understand then that this would mean you in a way dictate how things happen, if your Dom feels you need a certain amount of punishment or pleasure they are there to provide you with accomplishing this with you, you are their #1 priority... so making this kind of relationship work and be fulfilling at the end of the day communication is the highest and most important part to this lifestyle... yes?
Have you sat down and spoke with your Dom regarding your underling emotions regarding what this experience has brought out in your mind? Honesty is truly always the best way to go. A scenario such as a threesome prior to the actual physical act can be highly erotic and a very interesting fantasy, however, the act for some (me included) can effect you on so many levels and I personally think women function differently when it comes to our sexual confidence and how we think and feel, in order for a woman to have a beautiful sexual experience we have to not only have our bodies in tune, but if we don't have our minds on the right path... we just don't work right. Unlike men, they seem to have a way of compartmentalizing things and it doesn't cross their minds in the way it does us.

IMO I don't think weather you are in the BDSM lifestyle OR in a Vanilla or anything else that we wish to title you as... that it makes a emotional difference... we all feel pain and emotions similarly and coping depending on the personality we have makes it easier or more difficult to see through the crap we weigh ourselves down with...

I am sorry if that's way too wordy! It's way too late or early depending on how you look at the time.

I think if you haven't talked to your Dom OR if you have but are still feeling like there are things that are bothering you then you should talk more; explain how it made/makes you feel. educating yourself and your partners can only make the outcome of any relationship not only better but a hell of a lot more successful!

-My personal experience: I chose to allow myself to be convinced into a situation I wasn't ready for and my boyfriend at the time was the biggest asshat from the word go, sadly it took me 5+ years to finally see that with my own eyes... he really messed me up to the whole threesome thing... I know looking back, I think had I been with someone that literally had a soul my experience may not have ended with such hurt/pain and emotional scarring.

whatever happens I hope you find happiness and know and feel good with your choice.

 

[Black_Bunny]

your dominant is there as your master, your center (so to speak) he/she is there to make your experience valued, the best possible and and ever experience is suppose to help you and you Dom have a more successful relationship, I understand then that this would mean you in a way dictate how things happen, if your Dom feels you need a certain amount of punishment or pleasure they are there to provide you with accomplishing this with you, you are their #1 priority... so making this kind of relationship work and be fulfilling at the end of the day communication is the highest and most important part to this lifestyle... yes?
Have you sat down and spoke with your Dom regarding your underling emotions regarding what this experience has brought out in your mind?

I appreciate your comments

I'm still very new to BDSM, but I do tend to think of myself more towards a slave, so I don't generally think of him being there to make my experience valued or to provide my pleasure. I think of it being my job to provide his pleasure, and any pleasure I get out of it is a bonus.

I fully appreciate the importance of communication, even if there was a time it was better to shut up, I'd still feel like I have to say how I feel. I haven't yet spoken to him about it, as we generally only speak and see each other on the weekends. The morning after the threesome I said "I can't quite believe I did that" but that was about all I could muster my head around. Now I've had a couple of days to think on it and when I do speak to him next I'll be clearheaded enough to properly talk about it! In the meantime I vent everything on here

 

[ecstaticsub]

<<snip>>

If you wanted easy, you could've stuck with vanilla.

<<snip>>

[quick hijack]

this wickedly rubs me the wrong way...vanilla does not equal easy. There are times when my D/s relationship is much easier than my vanilla. It's black and white, no grey areas. My vanilla marriage can be much more complicated.

[end hijack]

 

[Netzach]

[quick hijack]

this wickedly rubs me the wrong way...vanilla does not equal easy. There are times when my D/s relationship is much easier than my vanilla. It's black and white, no grey areas. My vanilla marriage can be much more complicated.

[end hijack]

Agree re: relationships where the power exchange is dialed down. But I've never had a live-in power exchange based relationship where the power exchange is dialed up extremely high and I'm uncertain I would. I'd say there are problems either way, maybe just different ones.

 

[Homburg]

[quick hijack]

this wickedly rubs me the wrong way...vanilla does not equal easy. There are times when my D/s relationship is much easier than my vanilla. It's black and white, no grey areas. My vanilla marriage can be much more complicated.

[end hijack]

Uh, sorry, it is easier. It is easier in precisely the same way as hetero relationships are easier than homosexual or bisexual relationships, and monogamy is easier than poly. No relationship is "easy", but vanilla is the standard, it is what people expect. When you step outside the box, you are uncharted territory, face challenges that most people can't imagine, and have precious little support while doing it. Can you talk to your co-worker about something your dominant does that annoys you? Can you find a counselor to help if there are relationship troubles between you and your dominant? Can you find a therapist in the phone book that isn't going to freak out when you start talking D/s?

I'm all for not romanticising things and all for the idea that D/s relationship is just a relationship, but as hard? No. I disbelieve.

This strikes me as an almost purposeful misrepresentation of what I was saying. Go read Fuckmeat's thread on BDSM and Grief and tell me that vanilla is just as hard.

 

[Keroin]

I'm so close to it, duh, I forgot about it as a permutation. Yes, it works if one of you sexualizes the jealousy, denial, and non-inclusion. Perfectly, often. Not a lot of people do, and not a lot of women do, but some really twisted emotionally maso sorts exist, and thank God.

Mmmm, denial & non-inclusion.

*smiles wistfully & licks lips*

I better stop here

 

[DVS]

I saw the thread title and just thought I'd put in my 2 cents. I don't know if the thread has migrated north, south, east or west by now. If it has...sorry.

I consider my partner an equal. Why would I think I have any rights that she doesn't have, just because I'm the Dom? That's insane. Now, if you are a couple (Master/slave, PYL/pyl) and both agree to some sort of rules, and I mean you both really agree to them, more power to you. But, just because I'm a Dom, I shouldn't be in a higher feeding class than someone who lists herself as a submissive.

OK, sorry. Now return to where we left off.

 

[intothewoods]

Uh, sorry, it is easier. It is easier in precisely the same way as hetero relationships are easier than homosexual or bisexual relationships, and monogamy is easier than poly. No relationship is "easy", but vanilla is the standard, it is what people expect. When you step outside the box, you are uncharted territory, face challenges that most people can't imagine, and have precious little support while doing it. Can you talk to your co-worker about something your dominant does that annoys you? Can you find a counselor to help if there are relationship troubles between you and your dominant? Can you find a therapist in the phone book that isn't going to freak out when you start talking D/s?

I'm all for not romanticising things and all for the idea that D/s relationship is just a relationship, but as hard? No. I disbelieve.

This strikes me as an almost purposeful misrepresentation of what I was saying. Go read Fuckmeat's thread on BDSM and Grief and tell me that vanilla is just as hard.

I agree with es, but also Netz's caveat. To me it depends on how different your situation is, even if only visually to the outside world.

We look like a typical straight couple, so yes, I can complain to my coworker about my husband, and I have had a counselor who was absolutely fine with D/s and power exchange. Finding a counselor who won't freak out about that stuff is much easier in a major urban area, but then so is finding a doctor who won't blink at the mention of anal sex. I have sex-positive vanilla friends who have similar challenges. And if I need D/s support, I can post here, or talk to one of my kinky friends. I do choose to keep certain things private from coworkers, casual friends, and family, but I don't feel any hardship related to that, because I have others to turn to for those kinds of issues.

I think your original statement was more about the emotions of D/s and/or open relationships. In that area, I don't see vanilla or D/s as easier or more difficult. Just sometimes different.

 

[JMohegan]

I saw the thread title and just thought I'd put in my 2 cents. I don't know if the thread has migrated north, south, east or west by now. If it has...sorry.

I consider my partner an equal. Why would I think I have any rights that she doesn't have, just because I'm the Dom? That's insane. Now, if you are a couple (Master/slave, PYL/pyl) and both agree to some sort of rules, and I mean you both really agree to them, more power to you. But, just because I'm a Dom, I shouldn't be in a higher feeding class than someone who lists herself as a submissive.

OK, sorry. Now return to where we left off.

I need to be in charge, so equal doesn't work for me. It's more like: I get to do whatever the hell I decide to do, and if you don't like it, you get to walk.

But of course, in the deciding, I still have to take into consideration the impact of my behavior on a partner. Her needs, emotions, manner of thriving. Because passing disgruntlement is one thing, but sustained despondency quite another.

[quick hijack]

this wickedly rubs me the wrong way...vanilla does not equal easy. There are times when my D/s relationship is much easier than my vanilla. It's black and white, no grey areas. My vanilla marriage can be much more complicated.

[end hijack]

Control-based works for me precisely because it is so much easier. A natural fit vs. daily struggle type thing.

 

[eastern sun]

I'm so close to it, duh, I forgot about it as a permutation. Yes, it works if one of you sexualizes the jealousy, denial, and non-inclusion. Perfectly, often. Not a lot of people do, and not a lot of women do, but some really twisted emotionally maso sorts exist, and thank God.

Yeah, like my husband. And he's the M in the M/s.

It makes for some twisted super-confusing moments.

 

[Homburg]

I agree with es, but also Netz's caveat. To me it depends on how different your situation is, even if only visually to the outside world.

We look like a typical straight couple, so yes, I can complain to my coworker about my husband, and I have had a counselor who was absolutely fine with D/s and power exchange. Finding a counselor who won't freak out about that stuff is much easier in a major urban area, but then so is finding a doctor who won't blink at the mention of anal sex. I have sex-positive vanilla friends who have similar challenges. And if I need D/s support, I can post here, or talk to one of my kinky friends. I do choose to keep certain things private from coworkers, casual friends, and family, but I don't feel any hardship related to that, because I have others to turn to for those kinds of issues.

Urban privilege for the win.

I think your original statement was more about the emotions of D/s and/or open relationships. In that area, I don't see vanilla or D/s as easier or more difficult. Just sometimes different.

No, it was about stepping outside of the norm to seek fulfillment. It is not easy, period. Staying within the norm is, comparatively.

Aside from that, if you cannot see that the emotional situations in open/poly relationships are flat going to be more complex, I'm not sure that I can figure out a way to explain.

Maybe raw math:

1 person + 1 person = 2 people's amount of emotions, needs, drama

1 person + 1 person + 1 person = 2 people's amount of emotions, needs, drama

1 person + 1 person + etc = a whole lot of people's amount of emotions, needs, and drama

Or, for that matter, your own situation. I remember how you struggled in some of your blog posts with the idea of sleeping around when you were single, and the complexity it engendered in your life due to being a mom.

 

[JMohegan]

I agree with es, but also Netz's caveat. To me it depends on how different your situation is, even if only visually to the outside world.

We look like a typical straight couple, so yes, I can complain to my coworker about my husband, and I have had a counselor who was absolutely fine with D/s and power exchange. Finding a counselor who won't freak out about that stuff is much easier in a major urban area, but then so is finding a doctor who won't blink at the mention of anal sex. I have sex-positive vanilla friends who have similar challenges. And if I need D/s support, I can post here, or talk to one of my kinky friends. I do choose to keep certain things private from coworkers, casual friends, and family, but I don't feel any hardship related to that, because I have others to turn to for those kinds of issues.

I think your original statement was more about the emotions of D/s and/or open relationships. In that area, I don't see vanilla or D/s as easier or more difficult. Just sometimes different.

I think certain things are "easier" in the sense that they don't defy lifelong societal conditioning as to what is/is not healthy or morally acceptable. Defying that type of conditioning can be very difficult. In the beginning, I had a tough time accepting my sadism, for that reason.

I can see how a woman, letting her husband or boyfriend bring another female into the picture, might face a lot of internal confusion and external pressure.

 

[JMohegan]

Urban privilege for the win.



No, it was about stepping outside of the norm to seek fulfillment. It is not easy, period. Staying within the norm is, comparatively.

Aside from that, if you cannot see that the emotional situations in open/poly relationships are flat going to be more complex, I'm not sure that I can figure out a way to explain.

Maybe raw math:

1 person + 1 person = 2 people's amount of emotions, needs, drama

1 person + 1 person + 1 person = 2 people's amount of emotions, needs, drama

1 person + 1 person + etc = a whole lot of people's amount of emotions, needs, and drama

Or, for that matter, your own situation. I remember how you struggled in some of your blog posts with the idea of sleeping around when you were single, and the complexity it engendered in your life due to being a mom.

Typo aside (I assume you meant 3 in that 2nd equation), I have always assumed that poly's even more complex than a simple sum. Because instead of just A's relationship with B, you've got A's relationship with B, plus C's relationship with B, and A's relationship with C, plus the relationship of A, B, and C when they are all together.

So you go from a dynamic involving one pairing, to four distinct flavors of interaction all coexisting. Each interaction involving a distinct blend of emotions, needs, drama, and so on.

 

[intothewoods]

Urban privilege for the win.



No, it was about stepping outside of the norm to seek fulfillment. It is not easy, period. Staying within the norm is, comparatively.

Aside from that, if you cannot see that the emotional situations in open/poly relationships are flat going to be more complex, I'm not sure that I can figure out a way to explain.

Maybe raw math:

1 person + 1 person = 2 people's amount of emotions, needs, drama

1 person + 1 person + 1 person = 2 people's amount of emotions, needs, drama

1 person + 1 person + etc = a whole lot of people's amount of emotions, needs, and drama

Or, for that matter, your own situation. I remember how you struggled in some of your blog posts with the idea of sleeping around when you were single, and the complexity it engendered in your life due to being a mom.

My comment was about D/s v. vanilla. As for open relationships v. closed, lol, well yes, if you count emotions on a per person basis, you will end up with a higher number with three than two. However, as between any two people, I think that a vanilla couple in a longterm relationship will struggle with very complex emotions around keeping a monogamous sexual relationship satisfying, lively, engaging, etc. It just seems like a different set of emotional issues.

I think certain things are "easier" in the sense that they don't defy lifelong societal conditioning as to what is/is not healthy or morally acceptable. Defying that type of conditioning can be very difficult. In the beginning, I had a tough time accepting my sadism, for that reason.

I can see how a woman, letting her husband or boyfriend bring another female into the picture, might face a lot of internal confusion and external pressure.

Sure, that's true. I just don't think that's necessarily absent from personal development in someone who's not D/s, but maybe that's because I know a lot of women with different sexual interests. I think anyone who has sexual interests that are more diverse than missionary has to have some struggle with self-acceptance.

 

[Homburg]

My comment was about D/s v. vanilla. As for open relationships v. closed, lol, well yes, if you count emotions on a per person basis, you will end up with a higher number with three than two. However, as between any two people, I think that a vanilla couple in a longterm relationship will struggle with very complex emotions around keeping a monogamous sexual relationship satisfying, lively, engaging, etc. It just seems like a different set of emotional issues.

Yeah, okay. I apparently can't explain it in a meaningful way.

 

[JMohegan]

My comment was about D/s v. vanilla. As for open relationships v. closed, lol, well yes, if you count emotions on a per person basis, you will end up with a higher number with three than two. However, as between any two people, I think that a vanilla couple in a longterm relationship will struggle with very complex emotions around keeping a monogamous sexual relationship satisfying, lively, engaging, etc. It just seems like a different set of emotional issues.



Sure, that's true. I just don't think that's necessarily absent from personal development in someone who's not D/s, but maybe that's because I know a lot of women with different sexual interests. I think anyone who has sexual interests that are more diverse than missionary has to have some struggle with self-acceptance.

ES's marriage is "vanilla" but open, not poly.

And I've officially lost track of what we're talking about here!

People struggle with all kinds of challenges. Presumably we can all agree with that.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm not really in the mood for hand to hand combat here. I think I'm just looking at it differently.

There are a million different aspects of what might make a relationship easier or harder than another. Having kids, so says the research! Is having kids more of a choice than wearing your collar to work?

Anyway, one component is what is public, and in that area, my original point was that it's not vanilla that's easier, it's monogamy. If your public relationships look anything other than straight and mono, then of course that is going to be more difficult than what a straight couple deals with. If I show up to a work function with my husband, no one bats an eye, regardless of whatever power exchange dynamic exists between us, which we keep private. If I show up with my husband and my girlfriend, the shit would hit the fan. In my town and profession, it would be more acceptable to show up with your same sex partner (as long as there's just one!). But whatever, all that to me seems different than D/s.

Unless I'm wearing a pet collar with spikes 24/7 and kneeling at his feet, and I do this also in public. I personally see this as more of a choice than being queer or poly, but others may disagree.

Now, the public aspect aside. I think people in successful poly relationships have done a ton of emotional work to get there, and that work is difficult. All I'm suggesting is that any person in a successful relationship is either lucky or has also done similar work to make the longterm sexual relationship succeed.

Of course it's complicated if you're in multiple relationships to balance everyone's needs, and there are all sorts of things that can come up. I'm just pointing out that the communication work doesn't end when two people decide to be monogamous, and so what's easier in some ways is more difficult in others.

You have to figure out how to satisfy all of the other person's sexual needs, for example. I'm friends with a poly couple and the husband is fond of saying, oh, she outsources (referring to his wife and blowjobs). Well, I can't outsource. I mean, I'm being semi-lighthearted here but I'm just pointing out that I don't think relationship success is any easier or harder, public pressures aside.

 

[intothewoods]

ES's marriage is "vanilla" but open, not poly.

And I've officially lost track of what we're talking about here!

People struggle with all kinds of challenges. Presumably we can all agree with that.

It's not poly? Not that it matters, but it's poly for her right? I mean, she loves both of them.

And yes, exactly. You can say it in two sentences or you can take up four posts.

 

[funkygreeneyedlady]

2 cents...

I personally have been in a scary, very bad "vanilla" relationship and they too can mess your mind up... if you allow it to happen, and yes I allowed it for 5+ years.

I truly believe regardless of your lifestyle, sexually, and otherwise you can have complications, difficulties and issues that others in similar situations will never deal with. This IMO has more to do with who we are with, how we handle our emotions and how the other person handles the treatment of said relationship...

IMO, if you're with an asshat - regardless of your sexual orientation and lifestyle choices you're still going end up getting treated like shit.. and unless that's what you are wanting, needing or desiring - then personally it doesn't matter if it's BDSM or Vanilla or anything else... you're still going to end up either happy or emotionally fucked up!

I know more about myself now and understand my body, mind and know w/o a doubt that the person that I lay down with and enjoy sexually and also love the best intentions of doing right by me regardless of our lifestyle. We each come to every single relationship with a bucket full of crap... it's up to us how we choose to handle what's thrown at us.

so... I kindly disagree... being in a Vanilla relationship regardless if you're male, female, hetro, gay or otherwise... it can still be the biggest bitch or the best and most amazing thing in the world...