A Master's 'right' to play with others

[Homburg]

I know being in a D/s relationship doesn't equal polyamory. I just want to allow my partner to have some damn fun, with me as well, as part of a threesome, without me getting all emotional about shit that I shouldn't be worrying about. I want freedom from my own fucking emotions!

Dammit, where's the crying emoticon.

While BDSM and polyarmory don't go hand in hand, BDSM and strong emotions do. Do not ever expect this to be easy. If you wanted easy, you could've stuck with vanilla.

That said, you have a much better chance of fulfillment when you are actively striving for fulfillment. Not that BDSM is a magic fulfillment pill, but more that trying something new has a greater chance of getting what you want than just doing nothing and hoping that things will get better.

 

[Etoile]

heyyyyy now! lol

i actually don't think my relationship is so unusual in the non-BDSM M/s world. it's just that here on lit we've never had many voices coming from that side.

Actually, I thought about saying that! Because I know you guys have a lot of friends who live the same way you do. But I wanted to be cute and catchy and instead I came out dumb. Oops!

you!

 

[ownedsubgal]

Actually, I thought about saying that! Because I know you guys have a lot of friends who live the same way you do. But I wanted to be cute and catchy and instead I came out dumb. Oops!

you!

you never come out dumb...a little hard of hearing maybe, but not dumb. *rimshot*

 

[Etoile]

you never come out dumb...a little hard of hearing maybe, but not dumb. *rimshot*

OOOOOOOH SNAP!!! That was a GOOD ONE! ROFL = rolling on futon laughing

edit: still giggling

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

That's what I thought too - after my research I came on here with all this slavery stuff in my head, to be told that actually majority of people don't practice it that way.

BDSM is whatever the individual wants it to be. It's whatever fits their wants, needs, and limits the best.

 

[FungiUg]

BDSM is whatever the individual wants it to be.

Weeeellll... not entirely. I mean, it has to have something to do with the subject to fall into the category of BDSM. If I wanted BDSM to be about stamp collecting, I think everyone else would agree I'd missed the boat entirely.

BB, one thought I had is whether you are looking at how you deal with pushing your boundaries. in general. I suspect this would benefit from a similar approach. For instance, do you do better jumping into the deep end, or with baby steps?

 

[Etoile]

Weeeellll... not entirely. I mean, it has to have something to do with the subject to fall into the category of BDSM. If I wanted BDSM to be about stamp collecting, I think everyone else would agree I'd missed the boat entirely.

Slut, where did you put my tweezers?! I can't match this pane to the philatelic catalog if I can't hold it!

/hijack

 

[Netzach]

All "you" is the general you, not you as in Black_Bunny. Using "one" all the time gets clunky though.

I am a firm believer that decisions about opening a relationship to other partners should be made on equal territory. Polyamory can fuck your shit up if you're not on the same page. Dealing with it is NOT different just because one is submissive - this issue is so hard-wired you cannot get it out of you. If you allow things to happen that you're not comfortable with because "well, he is pushing my boundaries" or because "I'm the submissive, I have to let him do what he wants" then the relationship will sour very fast and you will be miserable.

I am dead serious about this. You are either okay with it, or you are not. If you are only okay with it because he's the dom then you are asking for a fuckton of heartache down the line.

Voice of experience here, but also common sense. Going along with any practice that you don't like just for his sake is going to cause a lot of misery. I fully expect any couple would give it the old "college try" to see how it works...who knows, maybe a girl who hates anal will turn into an ass slut with enough work. But if you've tried it out and you don't like it, and you keep going, kiss your happiness goodbye.

Added: Consider non-preferred sexuality instead of polyamory, if you want. If you really are not interested in girls, and he wants to watch you do it with a girl, then you can do it, but your dislike of the practice is going to eat away at you and make you miserable unless you talk about it and come to an agreement.

This is post gold. I've seen this in action. People ignore this issue at their peril. You are or you are not. You may be and not realize it - at one point I certainly didn't look like a poly-capable person, I was remarkably possessive, but I tried it and never looked back onto the exclusive relationship.

A relationship structure that I've seen work might be one like osg's where there is *emotional* exclusivity and sexual variability. Or one like mine in which I get to see other people because I'm the Domme and not monogamous and he gets to see other people because he's the sub and not monogamous, duh. Or like easternsun's in which sexuality with other people is a potent power tool whether it's his or hers.

But it's rarely one in which one person has a prerogative to be sexually open while fearing the least outside sexual leanings of the other person - the sexuality of the submissive and the fact that you can mold wish own and tweak it all you want and there are some things that are just her, no matter what you want.

A lot of asymmetrical D/s "learn to live with me diddling this other girl in front of your face" stuff with no station for her left to pull into other than "I'm a good slave and I handle it perfectly" or "I'm jealous therefore I'm bad" is a dumbass idea.

Yes, I just said dumbass idea. A common dumbass idea. I don't think that's what's happening with you because it seems like your communication with your Dom is pretty reasonable, but I have to wonder sometimes. For me, the MO of fucking other people is that I like to fuck other people. It's not a loyalty test for M, it's a compatibility test that was given on the FIRST date and passed with flying colors.

I do not fuck T just because of the reactions it produces in M - positive or negative. It's not a lesson for him, it's rocks off for me, full stop. I see a lot of people using open relationships, poly, and other people as a kind of loyalty benchmark thing, and I'm like, dude, do you ever want a good night's sleep again? It's just so much more pain and suffering than a loyalty demonstration is worth and more liable to explode in your face than any other.

I wonder if people who fuck other people as a training tool aren't just justifying the desire to dip your wick in strange. Which is a perfectly acceptable and honorable desire, to me.

The reason I let M fuck other people, is because - I like to fuck other people and I know that he does too. So it's a no-brainer really. If I want to fuck other people without ANY DRAMA in my life, extending the courtesy in the other direction is a trifling price to pay.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Weeeellll... not entirely. I mean, it has to have something to do with the subject to fall into the category of BDSM. If I wanted BDSM to be about stamp collecting, I think everyone else would agree I'd missed the boat entirely.

Not if you wanted to dominate others and have the best collection. If you took pleasure in the pain of others missing out on a stamp because you got it and not them. If you negotiated, manipulated, or tried to control others to get the stamp you want. And if you kept your stamps wrapped up tight in plastic to keep them in their place.

 

[Homburg]

Slut, where did you put my tweezers?! I can't match this pane to the philatelic catalog if I can't hold it!

/hijack

Oh, you could have the bottom cuffed and kneeling with tongue stuck out to lick stamps when needed. I could totally see potential here.

--

A lot of asymmetrical D/s "learn to live with me diddling this other girl in front of your face" stuff with no station for her left to pull into other than "I'm a good slave and I handle it perfectly" or "I'm jealous therefore I'm bad" is a dumbass idea.

This is why, regardless of the structure of my dynamic, I don't fuck around. Play, yes, but not random fuckings. While that option may be on the table for me, it is just not healthy. In the long run, it is better to balance.

That said, I get twitchy when people say that it is impossible to make it work like that. The relationship is unequal. That's part of the design. There are people for whom it undoubtedly works. I'm just not going to see if I am one of those people.

 

[satindesire]

I never did quite understand the "I do it because it makes him happy" state of mind.

I can't believe that anyone can totally turn off their humanity and just "take it". It smacks of abuse and unhealthy emotions to me.

 

[Homburg]

I never did quite understand the "I do it because it makes him happy" state of mind.

I can't believe that anyone can totally turn off their humanity and just "take it". It smacks of abuse and unhealthy emotions to me.

You want a girlfriend. He wants monogamy. Thus, you don't have a girlfriend.

Is it abuse?

 

[ownedsubgal]

I never did quite understand the "I do it because it makes him happy" state of mind.

I can't believe that anyone can totally turn off their humanity and just "take it". It smacks of abuse and unhealthy emotions to me.

what is so difficult to understand about doing something simply because it makes one's partner/mate happy? that is not even a concept unique to submissive-type folks. many people wish to please their partners, especially if there is respect and a loving bond there.

 

[satindesire]

You want a girlfriend. He wants monogamy. Thus, you don't have a girlfriend.

Is it abuse?

No, because I don't tolerate unhappy relationships. If I can't compromise my wants with his wants, I end the relationship.

My emotional health is worth a LOT. I'm not going to damage myself because "we get along so well".

what is so difficult to understand about doing something simply because it makes one's partner/mate happy? that is not even a concept unique to submissive-type folks. many people wish to please their partners, especially if there is respect and a loving bond there.

Doing something to please your partner is easy to understand. I do it all the time. But no one should be FORCED to tolerate something that HURTS them emotionally just to make their partner happy. If I wasn't poly-capable and my husband wanted to have another partner, I wouldn't tell him "okay", no matter if I'm submissive or not. Submissive does not mean worthless doormat. My happiness and mental health should matter to myself.

 

[ownedsubgal]

No, because I don't tolerate unhappy relationships. If I can't compromise my wants with his wants, I end the relationship.

My emotional health is worth a LOT. I'm not going to damage myself because "we get along so well".



Doing something to please your partner is easy to understand. I do it all the time. But no one should be FORCED to tolerate something that HURTS them emotionally just to make their partner happy. If I wasn't poly-capable and my husband wanted to have another partner, I wouldn't tell him "okay", no matter if I'm submissive or not. Submissive does not mean worthless doormat. My happiness and mental health should matter to myself.

well that is quite different from your original blanket statement, "I do it because it makes him happy." if what you actually meant was that you do not understand submitting to something emotionally or psychologically damaging solely for a Dominant's pleasure, then fine. many people would share your feelings on that. for myself, when i agreed to become his slave it was with the understanding that i would accept the really hard things as much as the really great things. i was not forced to be in this place, i chose to be his and that is just a part of the package.

btw, for some folks, there is nothing wrong with being a doormat.

 

[satindesire]

well that is quite different from your original blanket statement, "I do it because it makes him happy." if what you actually meant was that you do not understand submitting to something emotionally or psychologically damaging solely for a Dominant's pleasure, then fine. many people would share your feelings on that. for myself, when i agreed to become his slave it was with the understanding that i would accept the really hard things as much as the really great things.

btw, for some folks, there is nothing wrong with being a doormat.

I was commenting on Etoile's and Netz's posts about tolerating something harmful and it's negative affects on the relationship and the person being hurt.

Yes, I'm sure for some people there's nothing wrong with hurting themselves permanently for the sake of a relationship, but I love myself and my emotional health way too much to go through being abused....again.

 

[Netzach]

Oh, you could have the bottom cuffed and kneeling with tongue stuck out to lick stamps when needed. I could totally see potential here.

--



This is why, regardless of the structure of my dynamic, I don't fuck around. Play, yes, but not random fuckings. While that option may be on the table for me, it is just not healthy. In the long run, it is better to balance.

That said, I get twitchy when people say that it is impossible to make it work like that. The relationship is unequal. That's part of the design. There are people for whom it undoubtedly works. I'm just not going to see if I am one of those people.

It's not because fair's fair and I have a fairness fetish (lol) that I like symmetry on this one, it's based on observation of what happens without it. I know it's chauvenistic, oh well. My judgment isn't on if it's nice or pretty or right or wrong, but if it tends to work or not work. You probably instinctually agree with me on this account based on your own decision not to be a test case.

If you know a lot of people like this where it works well, please refer me to these relationships I'm overlooking, cause I've seen way more go explody than not. I know it's people and not structures that work or don't intellectually, but in this case I just don't see it much.

I also never said that the slave has to be the one to pick who, how, or when they fuck other people, just that there is usually a better track record if that's in the "I fuck other people" mix. There are examples aplenty of slaves who don't get to control the sexual interactions with others and love it like that. That, for better or for worse, appears to work more often, in my observations.

I'm sure there are happy couples in which no one touches slave boy biff and I have lots of sex and play, but I don't know them.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I know being in a D/s relationship doesn't equal polyamory. I just want to allow my partner to have some damn fun, with me as well, as part of a threesome, without me getting all emotional about shit that I shouldn't be worrying about. I want freedom from my own fucking emotions!

Dammit, where's the crying emoticon.

Sounds more like you're ok with the general concept and just want to learn how to deal with the attached emotions.

I've learned that, for me at least, it's better to let them run their course. Let yourself feel everything, and then as easternsun said, sit down and think about.

When I think with a clear head that isn't crowded by 'what if' thoughts, it's much easier for me to work out what I'm good with, and what I might be overreacting to a bit.

 

[satindesire]

I've learned that, for me at least, it's better to let them run their course. Let yourself feel everything, and then as easternsun said, sit down and think about.

This is true. Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies and overthink things, or not think about them enough. But it's always wise to consider the consequences and the emotions behind things when an experience is new.

 

[FungiUg]

what is so difficult to understand about doing something simply because it makes one's partner/mate happy? that is not even a concept unique to submissive-type folks. many people wish to please their partners, especially if there is respect and a loving bond there.

I don't think we are challenging that at all, and I for one will defend your right to please your partner

Rather, we're saying "be aware of what you are doing, so you understand what you are going to go through when you do it." That's almost the core of BDSM in a way... going in with eyes open, but doing it anyway. The "risk aware" in RACK.

For some people, additional partners (whether swinging or poly) doesn't work. That doesn't mean they can't find a way to make it tolerable, they just need to understand what they are dealing with.

If you are in a relationship where you have given control to another person and anything that works for that person works for you... well then, it works. No issue.

I think for a lot of relationships though, it comes out as a guilty "oh, and by the way..." afterthought. That's not a recipe for success. That creates the whole "I didn't sign up for this!" type of reaction.

 

[BiBunny]

Ok, first of all, maybe I missed it, but I'm not sure how we went from "threesome" to "polyamory." The two aren't the same. But maybe there was some part of the thread I missed.

Secondly, if you don't want to do it, but you're doing anyway because it's what your partner wants, I have some advice. It's a bad idea to do it that way, but if you're bound, bent, and determined to do it, anyway, then for God's sake, don't sit back and be all resentful and blame your partner and the other girl. Own your shit. I'm going through that bullshit right now (have been for quite some time), and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. It's not the other girl's fault that your partner wants to fuck someone else!

 

[the captians wench]

Ok, first of all, maybe I missed it, but I'm not sure how we went from "threesome" to "polyamory." The two aren't the same. But maybe there was some part of the thread I missed.

Secondly, if you don't want to do it, but you're doing anyway because it's what your partner wants, I have some advice. It's a bad idea to do it that way, but if you're bound, bent, and determined to do it, anyway, then for God's sake, don't sit back and be all resentful and blame your partner and the other girl. Own your shit. I'm going through that bullshit right now (have been for quite some time), and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. It's not the other girl's fault that your partner wants to fuck someone else!

And it's not your fault either. People want what they want, and it usually has little to do with out side forces.

 

[FungiUg]

I'm not sure how we went from "threesome" to "polyamory." The two aren't the same.

True. I think we were looking at "open" relationships in general. I know I mentioned swinging as well, which is different again.

 

[satindesire]

True. I think we were looking at "open" relationships in general. I know I mentioned swinging as well, which is different again.

That and the fact that threads ALWAYS shift topics fluidly.

 

[FungiUg]

That and the fact that threads ALWAYS shift topics fluidly.

Mmmm... fluid... Oh, wait.