When You're Not Feeling It

[BiBunny]

I know this happens to everyone, so I wondered if y'all had any advice for me.

I'm currently at my Owner people's house. I've spent a couple of days here, and I plan on spending a couple more before I go home. I love them. I love being here. But, honestly, at the moment, this whole pet thing irritates the crap out of me.

I really just want to be left alone. I get annoyed every time they ask me to do something. I do it, anyway, and don't say anything, but I'm secretly gritting my teeth.

Right now, I'm supposed to cut out and bake cookies before Mistress gets home from work this evening, and I think I'd rather be shot than to have to go do it. It's messy, it's time-consuming, and I REALLY need to be working and making money instead. (It's kinda hard to work when your hands are covered in dough, and you're having to keep an eye on the oven.)

I don't know what's gotten me in such a pissy mood. I've had it happen before, but it's never lasted this long.

Yesterday, Master had me tie him up. I'm normally kind of timid with him because on some subconscious level, he still intimidates me, even when he's bound. But, no, not yesterday. I had to seriously restrain myself to keep from REALLY hurting him.

Anyway, I don't know what's up. Seems sorta pointless to say anything to them about it if I can't figure out why I'm bristling at every command and feeling all this pent-up aggression that makes me want to climb the walls. I just wondered if anyone had any suggestions.

 

[CutieMouse]

<snippity>
I really just want to be left alone. I get annoyed every time they ask me to do something. I do it, anyway, and don't say anything, but I'm secretly gritting my teeth.

<snappity>

... and I think I'd rather be shot than to have to go do it. It's messy, it's time-consuming, and I REALLY need to be working and making money instead. (It's kinda hard to work when your hands are covered in dough, and you're having to keep an eye on the oven.)

<snip>

Anyway, I don't know what's up. Seems sorta pointless to say anything to them about it if I can't figure out why I'm bristling at every command and feeling all this pent-up aggression that makes me want to climb the walls. I just wondered if anyone had any suggestions.

Suggestion -

"It is causing me stress to even say this because you know how I tend to bottle things up, but I'm trying to be better about telling you what's going on inside me.

I love being here. It's where I want to be and belong. But at the same time I'm struggling because I have all this stuff in my head about needing to work/make money/responsibilities back in the "real world" that is causing me some anxiety and stress. The slave me and not slave me are arguing and I'm having a hard time with it.

Help."

And then you let them help you.

 

[eastern sun]

This is going to be no help at all, but the whole "marks of a slave" thread is about my efforts to deal with these feelings.

No one said you have to like what you're doing. You don't even have to bake the cookies, really. You do get to experience the consequences of whatever choice you make.

Sometimes thinking through the outcome of doing or not doing something makes it easier to do it. Sometimes just deciding it doesn't matter if you dislike it helps. It's always helped me to just focus on the simple things, like your breath, or the recipe, or the smell of the cookie dough.

He used to say to me, "you wanted this." Which made me feel even worse, because I couldn't deny it.

Sometimes it helps to let them know what you're feeling. Because sometimes it's not really the cookies they care about.

 

[intothewoods]

Not much to add, but I also tell myself that I don't have to like it. I kind of revel in whatever I'm feeling that moment and it helps.

 

[CutieMouse]

I would like to amend to say no, I don't think we have to necessarily love every second of what we do; what struck me most about Bunnie's statements was

"I REALLY need to be working and making money instead."

[For me] things like being able to make rent tops everything else. If I didn't know how I was paying for groceries this week, and I was asked to do XYZ task - I'd end up resenting the person/people who assigned the task, which would [eventually] become a huge stumbling block in my submission/pyl-whateverness.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, ladies. I do appreciate it.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's probably resentment that I can't work here like I can at my own place. All the distractions get to me, and then the fears about "How am I going to pay for my class next semester/how am I going to buy Christmas presents/how do I pay bills?" start. Then, I guess I channel my anxiety into aggression and point it at the nearest target.

 

[BiBunny]

Double-posting here to say I don't think they do it intentionally. I just don't think they realize the sheer amount of work and the sheer number of log-in hours needed to make the kind of money I need to make. An hour here and there between doing laundry and baking cookies and cleaning up the kitchen and letting the dogs in and out just doesn't cut it, unfortunately.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks, ladies. I do appreciate it.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's probably resentment that I can't work here like I can at my own place. All the distractions get to me, and then the fears about "How am I going to pay for my class next semester/how am I going to buy Christmas presents/how do I pay bills?" start. Then, I guess I channel my anxiety into aggression and point it at the nearest target.

Double-posting here to say I don't think they do it intentionally. I just don't think they realize the sheer amount of work and the sheer number of log-in hours needed to make the kind of money I need to make. An hour here and there between doing laundry and baking cookies and cleaning up the kitchen and letting the dogs in and out just doesn't cut it, unfortunately.

Bingo.

Talk.To.Them. Like bluntly talk - right down to the nitty gritty of "I must log X hours per day/week/month to sustain, much less thrive."

 

[BiBunny]

Bingo.

Talk.To.Them. Like bluntly talk - right down to the nitty gritty of "I must log X hours per day/week/month to sustain, much less thrive."

I'll make a list.

"I need to work 60 hours a week.

My pay period starts on Saturday.

I've worked 2 1/2 hours since Saturday because Saturday is the day I came here.

You do the math."

 

[eastern sun]

It's like mixing slavery and motherhood. You have to set priorities. My experience is that masters worth their salt quickly see the value in those priorities, but might need them spelled out.

What's hard is when I, as a slave, buy into the idea that my life/feelings/welfare are not important in the face of this task I've been set. And I have enough self-destructive tendencies to go there.

I like hearing other slaves talk about how they live or die at their master's discretion. It may not appear to be the healthiest mindset, but I have dwelt there.

I'm not arguing CutieMouse's point. She's obviously right on the money.

There's another possibility though. And that is giving Master and Mistress the option of helping pay the rent, or giving you a place to live.

Then you have time to make the cookies.


edited to add - I've also gotten up at 4:00 in the morning for days on end to get my own work done. It's a different psychological experience to fit your own needs into the margins and/or abandon them altogether.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

All the things CM said, plus this (from someone else who works from home):

If you had an *outside* job - one where you had to go to an office/store/warehouse/whatthefuckever, clock in and work, or you wouldn't get paid and therefore couldn't pay the rent, pay tuition, etc., etc., etfuckin'cetera - would they call you at that job and ask you to leave and go pick up the dry cleaning, or pick up their lunches and bring to them, or would they give you that "outside job time" to do what you needed to do?

Your at-home job is *just like* an outside job except you do it at home and can do it in your jammies or nekkid or whatever. You need that time to be, in a word, sacred, devoted to your job. *Outside* the hours that you (or you and they) set for working, *then* they can have you bake cookies, do the laundry, suck dicks, whatever.

 

[ZRT]

Speaking for my own part as a PYL, even if you don't know why you're awry, you need to bring it out if it's causing serious discontent, because I'd need to know.

That's how I roll. I don't know your specific arrangement, though.

You've got it figured out now, but even if you don't have it squared away it's still what I'd take as a good habit to keep that communication open.

 

[unregistered]

 

[rosco rathbone]

Thanks, ladies. I do appreciate it.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's probably resentment that I can't work here like I can at my own place. All the distractions get to me, and then the fears about "How am I going to pay for my class next semester/how am I going to buy Christmas presents/how do I pay bills?" start. Then, I guess I channel my anxiety into aggression and point it at the nearest target.

Some kind of vigrous exercise or just scream in the pillow (I do it all the time) can help as well.

 

[the captians wench]

All the things CM said, plus this (from someone else who works from home):

If you had an *outside* job - one where you had to go to an office/store/warehouse/whatthefuckever, clock in and work, or you wouldn't get paid and therefore couldn't pay the rent, pay tuition, etc., etc., etfuckin'cetera - would they call you at that job and ask you to leave and go pick up the dry cleaning, or pick up their lunches and bring to them, or would they give you that "outside job time" to do what you needed to do?

Your at-home job is *just like* an outside job except you do it at home and can do it in your jammies or nekkid or whatever. You need that time to be, in a word, sacred, devoted to your job. *Outside* the hours that you (or you and they) set for working, *then* they can have you bake cookies, do the laundry, suck dicks, whatever.

This is a very hard concept for me to keep myself with my costumes.

I still have a tendency to think of my costumes as a hobby, and as long as I think that way it will be that way. I've started setting time with in my work week for my "second job" which is essentially what my costumes are. I have to set that time aside and clock in and out mentally or else I don't get shit done.

 

[Netzach]

I would like to amend to say no, I don't think we have to necessarily love every second of what we do; what struck me most about Bunnie's statements was

"I REALLY need to be working and making money instead."

[For me] things like being able to make rent tops everything else. If I didn't know how I was paying for groceries this week, and I was asked to do XYZ task - I'd end up resenting the person/people who assigned the task, which would [eventually] become a huge stumbling block in my submission/pyl-whateverness.

As a top person, I personally accept a degree of GFY from someone who has to keep a roof over their/my head. It's a reality I have to live in too, and don't mind when it knocks.

 

[Netzach]

Double-posting here to say I don't think they do it intentionally. I just don't think they realize the sheer amount of work and the sheer number of log-in hours needed to make the kind of money I need to make. An hour here and there between doing laundry and baking cookies and cleaning up the kitchen and letting the dogs in and out just doesn't cut it, unfortunately.

If they're down with your reality - STAY LOGGED IN. I can't stress this enough, because the money's great, but as families gather for Xmas, it's really different - your regs will be calling at weird ass sneaky hours. Also it's slow, I had my first normal-ish night last night in a long while. I get a lot of stuff done, and I spend a lot of time watching the tube with M and doing nothing, but yes, the movies I watch are punctuated by calls. I jump up and get them - I'm chasing the buck right now, ambitiously.

 

[BiBunny]

If they're down with your reality - STAY LOGGED IN. I can't stress this enough, because the money's great, but as families gather for Xmas, it's really different - your regs will be calling at weird ass sneaky hours. Also it's slow, I had my first normal-ish night last night in a long while. I get a lot of stuff done, and I spend a lot of time watching the tube with M and doing nothing, but yes, the movies I watch are punctuated by calls.

I was hoping to hear from you.

I don't mind staying logged in most of the time. In fact, I DO when I'm at home. Unfortunately, here, though, the Internet has this annoying tendency to go down at the worst possible times (and we have VOIP phone), so I can't stay logged in while I sleep and stuff.

I guess I'm just going to have to stay logged in, even when I'm doing crap for them. You know how it goes, though. The second you start to do something, the damn phone rings, and it takes you forever to finish it.

Again, I don't think the Owner people do this on purpose. I just think they don't get it. I don't just sit here and wait for the damn phone to ring. I couldn't live on the 30 freaking cents a minute they pay people to do that. I have to actually WORK. Blech. FML.

Thanks for everyone's input, by the way. I actually AM working at the moment, so even though I haven't responded individually to each post, I have been reading and appreciating the advice.

I think I've figured out a semi-workable plan. I sleep while they're at work. I spend time with them in the evenings--dinner, TV, play, whatever. I work at night while they're asleep. I'll fit the chores in either immediately after I wake up, before they get home from work, or after I finish the tied-to-the-computer part of my work every day, while they're asleep.

This'll give me time to sleep because it's pretty slow during the workday with all the girls logged in and few callers. I can hang out with them when they get home. I'll get a good bit of uninterrupted time to do my own shit while they sleep with the added benefit of not losing any of my night regs. Luckily, they're heavy sleepers, so as long as I'm not, like, re-roofing the house while they sleep, I'll never bother them.

Thanks again, y'all. Sometimes, I just need to bitch to sympathetic ears, so I can figure out what the problem is and what a viable solution may be.

 

[CurlyKat]

While I'll admit I'm mostly in this particular thread to lurk and gather good ideas for issues of my own, I'll add a bit, too. I do agree with just about everything said above, especially with the "tell them" part. Sometimes just saying that something is bothering me makes it feel a little more manageable.

Also, really try to get to the bottom of what's bothering you, and use their help (if possible) to fix it. If it's finances, come up with a plan to keep yours in order while you're with them so you're not stressed. Getting them involved with keeping you on track, whether it's making sure you're getting enough hours working or anything else can help them feel more protective over you, since they now have little more responsiblity in your life. While that might be what's bothering you, it might just be a mask for something else. Make sure you really figure out what it is.

Then again, there's always the "fake it until you make it" deal. Occasionally, when I know it's just because I want to be a little argumentative, I'll just go along with it and eventually it kicks back in.

Anyway, I'm here, taking notes.

 

[Netzach]

I was hoping to hear from you.

I don't mind staying logged in most of the time. In fact, I DO when I'm at home. Unfortunately, here, though, the Internet has this annoying tendency to go down at the worst possible times (and we have VOIP phone), so I can't stay logged in while I sleep and stuff.

I guess I'm just going to have to stay logged in, even when I'm doing crap for them. You know how it goes, though. The second you start to do something, the damn phone rings, and it takes you forever to finish it.

Again, I don't think the Owner people do this on purpose. I just think they don't get it. I don't just sit here and wait for the damn phone to ring. I couldn't live on the 30 freaking cents a minute they pay people to do that. I have to actually WORK. Blech. FML.

Thanks for everyone's input, by the way. I actually AM working at the moment, so even though I haven't responded individually to each post, I have been reading and appreciating the advice.

I think I've figured out a semi-workable plan. I sleep while they're at work. I spend time with them in the evenings--dinner, TV, play, whatever. I work at night while they're asleep. I'll fit the chores in either immediately after I wake up, before they get home from work, or after I finish the tied-to-the-computer part of my work every day, while they're asleep.

This'll give me time to sleep because it's pretty slow during the workday with all the girls logged in and few callers. I can hang out with them when they get home. I'll get a good bit of uninterrupted time to do my own shit while they sleep with the added benefit of not losing any of my night regs. Luckily, they're heavy sleepers, so as long as I'm not, like, re-roofing the house while they sleep, I'll never bother them.

Thanks again, y'all. Sometimes, I just need to bitch to sympathetic ears, so I can figure out what the problem is and what a viable solution may be.

This is actually a good plan on many levels - normally my calls die off at about 2 am - and lately I'm usually getting long calls around then. I usually am busy during the day - lately not at ALL. This may actually work out well for you.

Are you doing any indie or just service at this time? Can you try something new character wise? I find the new girl syndrome can push a blah month into a GREAT one.

I've added in some erotic hypno in my life and holy cats, has my bank balance improved.\
I don't have any great insight into how to keep your D's happy because I know that if I had a phone ho as a pet I'd be totally on the wavelength LOL. In trying to get NON phone hos to understand my life better, I have found that frank obnoxious bragging about a particularly good week or month tends to get them to sit up and take my job and its needs seriously.

Major pep talk though - there IS money to be had here. I honestly can say that the best way I've found to do this is to try every freaking thing under the sun you can think of - your pics, fake pic, old girl, young girl, sub girl, dom girl, smart girl, dumb girl - until something sticks. And when it does, holy shitballs, batman.

I was very secure in the feeling about 6 months ago that I would never taste the higher tax bracket. The weird thing about money is that shifts can be very ABRUPT. I'm not taking this for granted, and I'm still ready for it to go back to what it was any second - but if you don't hate this as a job, if you can find some pleasure in it, and if you can stay playful and experimental, you may be the person paying the bills for all three of you quite comfortably before you know it.

I know that's like "thanks yeah right" because I was there not six months ago. This is a fucking weird business, but it's not necessarily a bad one. Don't ever beat up on yourself because you crave "legitimacy" and you think you're settling.

 

[BiBunny]

This is actually a good plan on many levels - normally my calls die off at about 2 am - and lately I'm usually getting long calls around then. I usually am busy during the day - lately not at ALL. This may actually work out well for you.

Are you doing any indie or just service at this time? Can you try something new character wise? I find the new girl syndrome can push a blah month into a GREAT one.

I'm doing both. For awhile, I was just doing my service, but I've fired up my indie characters again. I just got off a call for one of them like three seconds ago, actually.

I'm supposed to be getting a new crazy Femdom bitch character on my service, so as soon as my boss gets her up, that should help a lot, I'm thinking.

I've added in some erotic hypno in my life and holy cats, has my bank balance improved.

I've been working on this myself. Not brave enough to go indie with it yet, though.

I don't have any great insight into how to keep your D's happy because I know that if I had a phone ho as a pet I'd be totally on the wavelength LOL. In trying to get NON phone hos to understand my life better, I have found that frank obnoxious bragging about a particularly good week or month tends to get them to sit up and take my job and its needs seriously.

I may give this tactic a try.

Major pep talk though - there IS money to be had here. I honestly can say that the best way I've found to do this is to try every freaking thing under the sun you can think of - your pics, fake pic, old girl, young girl, sub girl, dom girl, smart girl, dumb girl - until something sticks. And when it does, holy shitballs, batman.

I guess I need to do this, too. I think my biggest problem is that I'll go several weeks working upwards of 50 hours and then go, "Fuck it." Then, I do a couple of 15 hour weeks and have to scramble to get it all back together again.

A lot of it is my own fault, truthfully.

I have a hard enough time being even kind of consistent with scheduling and hours, and being here REALLY throws it off.

I was very secure in the feeling about 6 months ago that I would never taste the higher tax bracket. The weird thing about money is that shifts can be very ABRUPT. I'm not taking this for granted, and I'm still ready for it to go back to what it was any second - but if you don't hate this as a job, if you can find some pleasure in it, and if you can stay playful and experimental, you may be the person paying the bills for all three of you quite comfortably before you know it.

I don't hate it at all. I just know I have to become way more consistent than I am for that happen. I've asked them for help, but they just look at me like I've grown three heads. Bless their hearts, they just don't GET it.

 

[Netzach]

I'm doing both. For awhile, I was just doing my service, but I've fired up my indie characters again. I just got off a call for one of them like three seconds ago, actually.

I'm supposed to be getting a new crazy Femdom bitch character on my service, so as soon as my boss gets her up, that should help a lot, I'm thinking.



I've been working on this myself. Not brave enough to go indie with it yet, though.



I may give this tactic a try.



I guess I need to do this, too. I think my biggest problem is that I'll go several weeks working upwards of 50 hours and then go, "Fuck it." Then, I do a couple of 15 hour weeks and have to scramble to get it all back together again.

A lot of it is my own fault, truthfully.

I have a hard enough time being even kind of consistent with scheduling and hours, and being here REALLY throws it off.



I don't hate it at all. I just know I have to become way more consistent than I am for that happen. I've asked them for help, but they just look at me like I've grown three heads. Bless their hearts, they just don't GET it.

It's not easy to get - it's really specific. Maybe you could have them read some industry boards over your shoulder?

It's very hard to stay focused, I know this altogether too well. Until I had multiple angles - so I can retreat into mellow hypno when my usual humiliation is getting to me and vice versa - burnout was MUCH worse. But the benefits of focus - well you know how it can be, you don't need me to tell you.

Again, as an owner - how does it NOT benefit me when my slave is rolling in cash? Even if they're not fiscally entangled it's just a less stressful existence.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'll make a list.

"I need to work 60 hours a week.

My pay period starts on Saturday.

I've worked 2 1/2 hours since Saturday because Saturday is the day I came here.

You do the math."

Jeebus Bunny.

I don't know how you manage to work that much, AND study, AND maintain your relationships AND AND AND

Honestly, no wonder you feel like you do.

I often get that feeling at the end of the year, after exams. Spend so much time driving yourself hard, that when you stop, even for a bit, you can't shake that 'I should be doing such and such' anxiety... only in your case, you actually do have other stuff you need to do as well.

Just try and schedule in some you time as well, to recharge the batteries once in a while.

 

[sb2009]

I'm with Lizzie here, Bunny....you sound really stressed and tired, I have no idea how you do it. But like everyone says, talk to them about it...you sound smart enough to have chosen caring people to share your time with, but they could be oblivious to your stress leven right now. Sometimes I feel like how I am feeling should be obvious to my husband, because DUH I'm freaking out...and he's totally not on my wavelength. But when I point it out, he's willing to adjust expectations.

This happend early this year when I felt I was ready for the nuthouse with my job, and he was thinking I was doing a grand time of balanceing all my roles.

 

[BiBunny]

I want to thank everyone who's contributed to this thread. I appreciate all the advice I've received.

I have to say, though, I'm not sure that it's going to help. There was a big blowup last night around 11:00 pm that had been brewing for a very long time. I ended up leaving, in the rain and cold, amidst shitty straight-line winds and tornado warnings. In spite of the weather and the bad tires on my truck, they let me go.

I don't know if I feel like fighting for it anymore, especially when I feel like I'm the only one who is.

Again, thanks to everyone. I'm sorry that I can't update with something happier.