When You're Not Feeling It

[ImOnIt]

Not stopping you from walking away is not abandonment. As if you expect them to stop you? You It could be construed as giving you space, respecting your responsibility, fear of hurting you or whatever. Even if you feel like youre not getting attention, try to centre yourself/meditate/sleep and relax and feel your feelings.

Maybe theres Fear-->hate-->scared-->anger-->sad-->lonely?-->cautious-->defensive-->aggressive-but-scared

So just feel whatever the hell is going on inside you, and acknowledge that big complex rush of indescribable things. What do you need? Really-really-need? Mine is a pretty big list with people I don't love, and much much smaller with the few people I do have love for. I try to think that the most respectful thing i can do for people I love is to let them know how I feel, what I'm thinking about that upsets me and to ask for awareness or tolerance.



Hi sweetheart, I'm uptight! right now im concerned because of <reason>, shy because of reason and i could really use hugs/hot chocolate and movie under blanket/a walk with YOU at the beach.

im stressed and my head is so cloudy i havent been keeping hydrated/getting all my sleep/ ive been eating poorly/ keeping up with exercise... so i feel bad/unhappy/a hundred things. I love you. Here is a cupcake/flower/flurry of kisses.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I want to thank everyone who's contributed to this thread. I appreciate all the advice I've received.

I have to say, though, I'm not sure that it's going to help. There was a big blowup last night around 11:00 pm that had been brewing for a very long time. I ended up leaving, in the rain and cold, amidst shitty straight-line winds and tornado warnings. In spite of the weather and the bad tires on my truck, they let me go.

I don't know if I feel like fighting for it anymore, especially when I feel like I'm the only one who is.

Again, thanks to everyone. I'm sorry that I can't update with something happier.

You are the only one who knows all the facts, but sometimes it really can be time to take from the relationship what you have learned and put it toward finding one which will fit more comfortably. You do sound very stressed, and perhaps you have reason to be. I must say when you said what you were feeling and expected to do, and what that meant in real terms for your financial and perhaps psychological well being, I wondered why they were not taking that into consideration as part of their obligation to the relationship. Unless they are prepared to take over your financial obligations, they need to factor that into what they ask of you IMHO. Take a breath, think it over with a cool head, and do what you have to do to survive.

Catalina

 

[PertPerth]

Unless they are prepared to take over your financial obligations, they need to factor that into what they ask of you IMHO. Take a breath, think it over with a cool head, and do what you have to do to survive.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I know I'd not be able to cope under the same conditions. Money isn't everything, but not having it, is VERY stressful and impacts relationships. I see it all the time with my family and friends.

I hope things get better, Bunny.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, everyone.

We're kind of taking some time apart to think for a few days, to hopefully return with clearer heads, before we do anything else. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thanks, everyone.

We're kind of taking some time apart to think for a few days, to hopefully return with clearer heads, before we do anything else. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

I really hope everything works out for the best for you. I know that I haven't been feeling it to the point I've been wondering if I'm really submissive.

 

[Adakgirl]

oh holy crap I am so far behind whats been happening on here. damn bunny you moved out? Hate me if you want, put me on ignore but hey I'm gonna give it to you straight I do sympathize with you but..what the hell are you thinking?
?
Annoyed with the terrible, awful, time consuming, messy, task of cutting out cookies, putting them on a cookie sheet and baking them for crying out loud! Are you putting the blame on your Master and Mistress because you are not able to handle your work and school in an organized and consistent manner and still do what they expect of you? Do you really think they are not aware and they don't understand?

Perhaps they understand you much better than you understand yourself. Perhaps they expect more out of you, see more potential in you..than you even realize you have. Yeah yeah it's all fun when it's real physical pain that you know well... how to handle...but the real pain...the real pain comes in having to deal with the tiny things, the everyday things, the little tasks and chores, the stuff you can't make money doing, that mean nothing to you whatsoever..those are the true tests of your character, of your devotion..of your willingness to sacrifice...that's how you grow.
So what? be annoyed...I think your only annoyed cuz you just don't like doing do that mundane kinda crap.

Get a fucking bluetooth ear device...and phone that has internet access that you can keep with you...stay on-line with and hustle your business, answer your calls without having to pick up your phone...do a naked frikking baking session with cookie dough all over your tits! whatever. Use that mind girl, stretch the limits of THOSE abilities.... that's what they expect of you.


You know you need them, you love them, you know they love you. Are you heading back towards your comfortable pattern of handling deep, emotional relationships when they cut to close to your core... by simply throwing up your hands and saying "fuck it all"?

You bite off more than you can chew? I doubt that..I really think you can chew it all up and spit it out, bake cookies with it... and maybe someday even realize that it's OK for you to be happy.

Ok now hang me by the highest tree people....I'm ready...

 

[AbiNormyl]

oh holy crap I am so far behind whats been happening on here. damn bunny you moved out? Hate me if you want, put me on ignore but hey I'm gonna give it to you straight I do sympathize with you but..what the hell are you thinking?

You bite off more than you can chew? I doubt that..I really think you can chew it all up and spit it out, bake cookies with it... and maybe someday even realize that it's OK for you to be happy.

Ok now hang me by the highest tree people....I'm ready...

Actually, I think you are right. I would like to add my 1/5 cent also.

Any job that you have to work even at home for 50 to 60 hours a week simply to make a paycheck to pay the bills isn't much of a job I think. When does this give you time to study? When does this give you time for a life period? Dang, I would rather work at an office then spend that much time on the phone at home.

You are in your fourth year of college on top of the 50 hour a week job; that is about 15 to twenty hours of studying on top of the job. So, now you are up to 65 hours a week doing what needs to be done.

So, now you have added a service sub "job" (sorry I know it is supposed to be a relationship but relationships are jobs) and so out of all the service you are doing how much time does it feel more like play? Again, you have taken on another full time job but you don't feel like this one you are getting paid for with the support you need is my guess and you said something has got to give and so you picked for the moment.

First, I would suggest a day off to play; not sexually (sex is your job so I don't know how much it is play anymore) and find your inner child and do something really fun! I mean go to the zoo, go buy a freaking coloring book and color do something that is so non stressful and fun to you that you come away from it refreshed. I know, take your gun to the gun range and shot (see I do read about you even if you don't know me =) ). The point is you need to clear your plate of all stress and then once that is done come back and reprioritize and decide what isn't working for YOU! If you don't do this not another single soul will.

*puts out the second hanging noose beside adakgirls*

 

[BiBunny]

Believe me, there's way more to it than the cookies. It was merely an example.

I've just learned the hard way not to drag every bit of emotional crap out on this board for all the world to see.

ETA: I did not "move out" because I never lived with them.

 

[ImOnIt]

"I've just learned the hard way not to drag every bit of emotional crap out on this board for all the world to see."

 

[Netzach]

Get a fucking bluetooth ear device...and phone that has internet access that you can keep with you...stay on-line with and hustle your business, answer your calls without having to pick up your phone...do a naked frikking baking session with cookie dough all over your tits! whatever. Use that mind girl, stretch the limits of THOSE abilities.... that's what they expect of you.

This is spoken like someone who either is not a PSO, or doesn't understand the way the job works at this point in time, with chatrooms, blogging, social media etc.

1. You can clean and cook and iron while you do it!
Well, no. Not really. If someone's paying me 2.99 per minute and I have to piss I do it in the tub so he doesn't hear, unless I know him to be a pee freak. If you can give the same quality of call while scrubbing your tub as you can at your desk I'll hire you personally the second I have my own lines. Standing offer.

2. You poor thing tied to the desk for 50 hours.
50 hours logged in is not 50 hours working , but it's 50 hours you have to be in the ZONE of working, ready to work, ready to turn on at any moment.

Bunny -

It's impossible to talk about sex worker burnout with anyone but another sex worker. If you are burned out it's because the job is unhealthy or you are taking it too seriously - no one will EVER treat your burnout the way they will treat anyone else's burnout or work stress - it's either because the job is damaging or because you don't know from real work your job can't be hard.

Ask me how I know.

If your job were something else, something people took more seriously, then the sense of "one more straw" would make sense.

Now, I think there IS some validity in regard to relationships and expectations and communication to what Adakgirl posted, some useful stuff to think about. But personally, if you ask my take on it, I think that work plays a huge part in this issue - and not just the hours, but I think you are dealing with issues around other people taking your efforts to care for yourself financially seriously. You are burning out on the competing interests, but I totally relate to the fact that working too little and too inattentively is more burnout inducing than being busy!

This is not going to go away with the rest of the world. If you're doing sex work you have to make peace with that in some way - giving up on the importance of legitimacy and perfect understanding even with loved ones sometimes. I want to take care of myself and mine and I intend to, as I've become more able to, the desire to perfectly understand my ways and needs around work have diminished with M.

I'm the one setting the pace though, I really can't help with being the person trying to follow someone else's.

 

[the captians wench]

Believe me, there's way more to it than the cookies. It was merely an example.

I've just learned the hard way not to drag every bit of emotional crap out on this board for all the world to see.

ETA: I did not "move out" because I never lived with them.

I think she might have ment that she thought you moved in with them.

 

[BiBunny]

This is spoken like someone who either is not a PSO, or doesn't understand the way the job works at this point in time, with chatrooms, blogging, social media etc.

1. You can clean and cook and iron while you do it!
Well, no. Not really. If someone's paying me 2.99 per minute and I have to piss I do it in the tub so he doesn't hear, unless I know him to be a pee freak. If you can give the same quality of call while scrubbing your tub as you can at your desk I'll hire you personally the second I have my own lines. Standing offer.

2. You poor thing tied to the desk for 50 hours.
50 hours logged in is not 50 hours working , but it's 50 hours you have to be in the ZONE of working, ready to work, ready to turn on at any moment.

Bunny -

It's impossible to talk about sex worker burnout with anyone but another sex worker. If you are burned out it's because the job is unhealthy or you are taking it too seriously - no one will EVER treat your burnout the way they will treat anyone else's burnout or work stress - it's either because the job is damaging or because you don't know from real work your job can't be hard.

Ask me how I know.

If your job were something else, something people took more seriously, then the sense of "one more straw" would make sense.

Now, I think there IS some validity in regard to relationships and expectations and communication to what Adakgirl posted, some useful stuff to think about. But personally, if you ask my take on it, I think that work plays a huge part in this issue - and not just the hours, but I think you are dealing with issues around other people taking your efforts to care for yourself financially seriously. You are burning out on the competing interests, but I totally relate to the fact that working too little and too inattentively is more burnout inducing than being busy!

This is not going to go away with the rest of the world. If you're doing sex work you have to make peace with that in some way - giving up on the importance of legitimacy and perfect understanding even with loved ones sometimes. I want to take care of myself and mine and I intend to, as I've become more able to, the desire to perfectly understand my ways and needs around work have diminished with M.

I'm the one setting the pace though, I really can't help with being the person trying to follow someone else's.

Thank you.

I'm mentally exhausted at this point, and it's like, nobody the fuck gets it or even cares because, ooh, it's not a "real" job. I just dropped $400 I didn't have on y'all's fucking Christmas presents. The least you can do is give me a couple of days to make that money back, you know?

But, you know, the work is addicting. My income slowly keeps rising. Very, very slowly. And I am the one who is in control of that. One of these days, I'm going to hit on something that works, and I'm not going to be in these dire financial straits anymore. But I'd really like it if people would back off until that time comes, unless they're planning on fixing said financial situation FOR me.

Also, Netz, if you ever run your own lines, I'd jump ship in a heartbeat to work for you.

 

[sadangel]

No words Bibunny. Just hugs. *hugs*

 

[Adakgirl]

I'm sorry bunny, somehow, someway some posts I had read apparently made me think you had moved in with them permanently and were living with them as their pet 24/7. Don't ask me why I thought that but I've been assuming it for 3 or 4 months.

Netzach, you are absolutely right, I know nothing about the time and effort that's required or emotional costs it takes to make money as a PSO. I have never gone to college either. I don't have a clue. I have been thinking seriously about getting into that line of work though.

That line of business is intensely competitive it seems to me, just
because of the sheer volume of woman out there who know what they are doing and who are really good what they do, makes breaking into being a PSO and possibly other areas of the sex industry for me at my age pretty damned very intimidating. Scary as hell in fact.

I have been self employed for 15 years, just can't back to being employed by anyone else but myself, even if their were job opportunities up here.

I've been blessed with a deep erotic voice, have a vivid, active imagination. My background makes me versatile, I can talk to anyone about just about anything, I have the ability to morph easily into whatever I need to be at the time, and I know how to sell myself (my landscaping services anyway)

I might do ok at it. I'm simply getting to old to do hard physical labor for a living anymore and people are just not spending money on new landscape installations in my area, they are doing it themselves, not doing it at all or hiring illegals who will work for a fraction of what I charge.

Time to change my profession again. I checked out those webcam girl sites...I didn't want to give them the exclusive right to take my vids , my cam sessions, my pictures off the site and use them however and where ever they want. That stopped me in my tracks.

 

[Netzach]

I'm sorry bunny, somehow, someway some posts I had read apparently made me think you had moved in with them permanently and were living with them as their pet 24/7. Don't ask me why I thought that but I've been assuming it for 3 or 4 months.

Netzach, you are absolutely right, I know nothing about the time and effort that's required or emotional costs it takes to make money as a PSO. I have never gone to college either. I don't have a clue. I have been thinking seriously about getting into that line of work though.

That line of business is intensely competitive it seems to me, just
because of the sheer volume of woman out there who know what they are doing and who are really good what they do, makes breaking into being a PSO and possibly other areas of the sex industry for me at my age pretty damned very intimidating. Scary as hell in fact.

I have been self employed for 15 years, just can't back to being employed by anyone else but myself, even if their were job opportunities up here.

I've been blessed with a deep erotic voice, have a vivid, active imagination. My background makes me versatile, I can talk to anyone about just about anything, I have the ability to morph easily into whatever I need to be at the time, and I know how to sell myself (my landscaping services anyway)

I might do ok at it. I'm simply getting to old to do hard physical labor for a living anymore and people are just not spending money on new landscape installations in my area, they are doing it themselves, not doing it at all or hiring illegals who will work for a fraction of what I charge.

Time to change my profession again. I checked out those webcam girl sites...I didn't want to give them the exclusive right to take my vids , my cam sessions, my pictures off the site and use them however and where ever they want. That stopped me in my tracks.

Adakgirl, I totally recommend going for it. (Going massively OT here, but Bunny hopefully won't mind.) It's not all bad, it's not all good - it can be very demanding if you want to make money but if you cave in to the demands money is there. It's taken me some time to build up to the point I am at, and I still have bad weeks where I make half what I made the last week, but they're good weeks at any other job I had prior.

I'd say 1. don't be afraid of your age. At the fuck all. I've run "characters" into their late 40's and 50's because I sound older than I am and there's plenty of business for them - the only reason I don't log in often as them is because regulars will ask questions that will trip me up. I "know where I was when JFK got shot", for example, but I may not remember the top songs of 1964 as readily. Guys really do like to shoot the shit and being in your own age-range makes that infinitely easier. There are so many generic 25 year old photos to pick from that I *know* a good MILF op will clean up like mad.

It's completely possible to do phone without cam at all and make money. Your image need not ever enter into it.

Definitely read the bulletin boards out there for people thinking about this kind of work. You can quickly find out who doesn't pay, who pays crap, who's filled with drama and how to set up as an indie if you want. What I like about this gig is that it also never necessitates totally getting out of all other lines of work altogether unless and until that's profitable.

 

[the captians wench]

I've always thought about being a PSO too. Ever since the beginings of phone sex with my high school sweetie. He used to ask me to fake it, just to see if he could tell the difference.

Seen a few ads for them in the local papers, but never tried it out. Don't know if I could go back to being paid "piece work" so to speak. I've gotten very comfortable being paid the same exact thing every pay check no matter how many hours I work. Though it have been pointed out to me that if I take my income and divide it by the hours I actually work then I'd realize it's not as comfortable as it apears to be.

 

[BiBunny]

LOL, I love how my thread is now a PSO recruiting method.

If anyone is interested, the Owner people and I are trying to work this out. Again.

I think we've finally figured out that our communication methods are the suck. If we don't fix them, we're all going to kill each other. It's like she speaks Swahili, and I speak Chinese, and then we get angry at one another for not understanding.

I am literally sitting here during my dispatch shift (I dispatch calls for my service occasionally in addition to taking PSO calls because it helps with my weekly income!), writing her a list of things I need, things I would like to have, and things I can't tolerate. It's kind of childish, but I guess it's necessary. We'll see what happens next, I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your input, and if you'd like to add something about finding a Swahili-to-Chinese translator, that'd kick ass, too.

 

[sb2009]

hey, lits are great! Honestly, my husband does not know SQWAT about how to determine what the hell I want unless I tell him. It's horrible, I know, but I do need to spell things out.

Good luck...whatever you do, you'll be good at!!

 

[intothewoods]

Believe it or not, romantic partners of lawyers also struggle with understanding their partners' job sitch. It's definitely worth a sit down to explain what's normal, what's expected, what's never going to change and what's negotiable. It's not a 9-5 job.

 

[BiBunny]

Believe it or not, romantic partners of lawyers also struggle with understanding their partners' job sitch. It's definitely worth a sit down to explain what's normal, what's expected, what's never going to change and what's negotiable. It's not a 9-5 job.

I don't doubt that in the least. Most lawyers I've heard of work even more than I do. AND they usually have to be in their offices instead of at home, too.

 

[subish2009]

LOL, I love how my thread is now a PSO recruiting method.

If anyone is interested, the Owner people and I are trying to work this out. Again.

I think we've finally figured out that our communication methods are the suck. If we don't fix them, we're all going to kill each other. It's like she speaks Swahili, and I speak Chinese, and then we get angry at one another for not understanding.

I am literally sitting here during my dispatch shift (I dispatch calls for my service occasionally in addition to taking PSO calls because it helps with my weekly income!), writing her a list of things I need, things I would like to have, and things I can't tolerate. It's kind of childish, but I guess it's necessary. We'll see what happens next, I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your input, and if you'd like to add something about finding a Swahili-to-Chinese translator, that'd kick ass, too.

I'm so happy to hear you guys are trying to communicate better and work it out. I won't pretend to know you well or to have any experience in what sounds like a very complex situation, but I can relate to the communication issues. My husband and I are such total opposites in many ways and communication is, and I suspect probably always will be, a MAJOR issue for us. We've had blow-out, knock-down fights to which it sounds like you can relate, but we're still together (13 years), if it's any consolation. Some things never get easier and you'll always be working on them. I guess you have to decide how much work it's worth.

Ugh, I'm doubting I'm any help, but just know I'm rooting for you, your relationships, and whatever it takes to make you happy.

 

[the captians wench]

LOL, I love how my thread is now a PSO recruiting method.

If anyone is interested, the Owner people and I are trying to work this out. Again.

I think we've finally figured out that our communication methods are the suck. If we don't fix them, we're all going to kill each other. It's like she speaks Swahili, and I speak Chinese, and then we get angry at one another for not understanding.

I am literally sitting here during my dispatch shift (I dispatch calls for my service occasionally in addition to taking PSO calls because it helps with my weekly income!), writing her a list of things I need, things I would like to have, and things I can't tolerate. It's kind of childish, but I guess it's necessary. We'll see what happens next, I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your input, and if you'd like to add something about finding a Swahili-to-Chinese translator, that'd kick ass, too.

I really wish I could give you advice on this bunny, but it's something I just don't understand.

I grew up in a family that believed that you don't talk about anything. You just pretend it doesn't exist. When I had my nervous breakdown at 19 I decided this bottling things up deal was not healthy. Ever since then it's harder for me to not talk about things than it is for me to talk about them.

I like the idea of your lists. I did something simular when I was seeing a couple here. She was having issues which she wasn't fully comunicating, and it was cutting into my time with him, which made me feel neglected and that I decided that I couldn't deal with the neglected feeling. I pretty much did the same thing you're doing now, only not at any one's request. I told him what I needed, what I was willing to deal with, and what was a deal breaker. This wasn't totally an ultimatim, but partially it was as I was prepared to walk away if that was what was best for me.

In the end there was also Jounar's needs, wants, compromises, and deal breakers to factor in as well and we all decided it was best if the relationship between me and the male factor of this couple changed. It hurt, bad, but in the end I think we're all happier,(or at the very least less misserable) and that's what's most important.

If my experience with this couple taught me anything it's that comunication is the blood and air in the living body of a relationship, the more parts, the more communication is needed. When just one part breaks the line, all of the others suffer.

good luck to you.

*huggles and kisses*

 

[SPANKABLE1]

I want to thank everyone who's contributed to this thread. I appreciate all the advice I've received.

I have to say, though, I'm not sure that it's going to help. There was a big blowup last night around 11:00 pm that had been brewing for a very long time. I ended up leaving, in the rain and cold, amidst shitty straight-line winds and tornado warnings. In spite of the weather and the bad tires on my truck, they let me go.

I don't know if I feel like fighting for it anymore, especially when I feel like I'm the only one who is.

Again, thanks to everyone. I'm sorry that I can't update with something happier.

For some reason this part bothers me a lot.

Please be careful. That is so self destructive.

 

[BiBunny]

I grew up in a family that believed that you don't talk about anything. You just pretend it doesn't exist.

This is my problem. I have no idea how to talk about things. And then when I do try and get only defensiveness in return or, even worse, totally blown off, it makes me angry. I mean, I'm trying to do what you want me to do, and you're still basically telling me I'm a fuck-up.

Hence the reason for the what I need, what I would like, what makes me happy, and what I can't tolerate list. Hopefully, it'll help nip some of it in the bud before it ever starts.

 

[AbiNormyl]

I am glad that you are trying to work things out. I know that lists may seem childish but I have found with other people being very specific is very important. I always tell my husband what I want and need very specifically if I know and in the end I am not disappointed and neither is he.