When You're Not Feeling It

[Netzach]

LOL, I love how my thread is now a PSO recruiting method.

If anyone is interested, the Owner people and I are trying to work this out. Again.

I think we've finally figured out that our communication methods are the suck. If we don't fix them, we're all going to kill each other. It's like she speaks Swahili, and I speak Chinese, and then we get angry at one another for not understanding.

I am literally sitting here during my dispatch shift (I dispatch calls for my service occasionally in addition to taking PSO calls because it helps with my weekly income!), writing her a list of things I need, things I would like to have, and things I can't tolerate. It's kind of childish, but I guess it's necessary. We'll see what happens next, I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your input, and if you'd like to add something about finding a Swahili-to-Chinese translator, that'd kick ass, too.

I think that list method is great. But I have a thick boy brain and have to be told everything about 10 times. I am not a creature of subtlety when it comes to some things. I've found with M that you may not WANT to stoop to cheesy things that your couples counselor would tell you to do because they feel artificial or weird - but guess what - that kind of thing works.

 

[~Haze~]

LOL, I love how my thread is now a PSO recruiting method.

If anyone is interested, the Owner people and I are trying to work this out. Again.

I think we've finally figured out that our communication methods are the suck. If we don't fix them, we're all going to kill each other. It's like she speaks Swahili, and I speak Chinese, and then we get angry at one another for not understanding.

I am literally sitting here during my dispatch shift (I dispatch calls for my service occasionally in addition to taking PSO calls because it helps with my weekly income!), writing her a list of things I need, things I would like to have, and things I can't tolerate. It's kind of childish, but I guess it's necessary. We'll see what happens next, I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your input, and if you'd like to add something about finding a Swahili-to-Chinese translator, that'd kick ass, too.

Just take is slow and when you talk to them, remember, they might have the same issues communicating that you do. So, try to work past awkwardness and mis-communications.

Good luck. And... I would love to see the lists - if you don't mind sharing them with us.

 

[Homburg]

If anyone is interested, the Owner people and I are trying to work this out. Again.

Good. And who cares if it is an "Again," thing? What matters more: how many times you stumble, or how many times you stand back up?

I think we've finally figured out that our communication methods are the suck. If we don't fix them, we're all going to kill each other. It's like she speaks Swahili, and I speak Chinese, and then we get angry at one another for not understanding.

I am literally sitting here during my dispatch shift (I dispatch calls for my service occasionally in addition to taking PSO calls because it helps with my weekly income!), writing her a list of things I need, things I would like to have, and things I can't tolerate. It's kind of childish, but I guess it's necessary. We'll see what happens next, I guess.

Thanks to everyone for your input, and if you'd like to add something about finding a Swahili-to-Chinese translator, that'd kick ass, too.

Childish? Pfft, sounds like a bloody good idea.

 

[the captians wench]

This is my problem. I have no idea how to talk about things. And then when I do try and get only defensiveness in return or, even worse, totally blown off, it makes me angry. I mean, I'm trying to do what you want me to do, and you're still basically telling me I'm a fuck-up.

Hence the reason for the what I need, what I would like, what makes me happy, and what I can't tolerate list. Hopefully, it'll help nip some of it in the bud before it ever starts.

It takes time, a lot of it. It seems to me that a lot more people have the idea that they shouldn't talk about what bothers them than people who do. I took my whole family into this way of thinking kicking and screaming.

The lists really are a good start. I started with letters, for everything that I couldn't actually say, or anything that I didn't know how to say. It was a way to open up the lines.

My ex and I were really good at this. We are both very scientific thinkers and had a very special ability to take emotion out of any argument. We could argue our points, then if we got emotional about something, we could tell the other "this is how what you said made me feel". If things got to the point where we couldn't take the emotion out, we dropped it for a while. It really was amazing stuff. Not sure I'll ever come across that again.

I still am very aware of when my emotions are over powering progress, and I'm still in the habbit of letting that known. I'm usually looked at like I have three heads at first, but it works.

 

[Imahavah]

Bi I am happy for you and yours. The idea of lists is a great start. As many here have said, I came from a family where no one talked either.

I was raised to compartmentalize, internalize and deflect. It is a hard piece of work to fix. I applaud anyone who at least TRIES.

I know my Master is working with me on some of these same issues and it can be quite tough.

 

[ataxia.girl]

The daily stress of making money and raising kids would be why i have opted for the particular D/s relationship i have with Daddy. i needed one person, one safe place, where i could completely let go and hold nothing back and still be perfectly loved and accepted... and dominated.

i knew i needed something edgy, someone really strong, to be dominated and "owned" but i also eventually figured out that any kind of typical submission\service role was not going to give me the release i needed, that in many respects it was simply going to be an additional source of stress.

i could never find relationships that depended on my submission\service fulfilling because i never believed they really loved the real me. i used to think she was not lovable but i have been proven wrong.

Its really scary to let it all hang out because the fact is it often does result in abandonment. That's why people often don't do it. Its often why they try to be perfect. Some pyl's operate from a positive desire to please and achieve perfection. Some operate out of fear of disapproval, abandonment, reprisal. Most probably move in and out of both ways of being. When it comes to Daddy i don't really do either. With him i live in the moment and just do what i feel... without fear. There may be consequences but they are never the removal of love or his presence.

Perhaps you need to reevaluate what you really need out of a relationship independent of your attachment to your owners and then decide if those needs are being met. The trick is always finding someone who meets your needs by simply being who they are and even trickier and more wonderful is to meet the needs of another by your simple being.

 

[ataxia.girl]

i just wanted to add that i'm not really trying to promote the particular dynamic i have with Daddy as a feasible 24/7 partnership with kids and taxes and mortgages. It works for us because there are no other strings. Because those other parts of my life are on their own trajectory with someone else with whom i have a close but egalitarian relationship, i have the luxury of pursuing the type of relationship i have with Daddy without really feeling like i'm risking "everything" emotionally or otherwise.

i am living my life and there is a very well defined space wherein which mine and Daddy's lives intersect four nights a month in a hotel room.

i have a really hard time establishing my own boundaries. To do so seems to break my internal pyl code. In many ways i consider myself very lucky they have been in many ways defined for me. Daddy is rarely online during the day so he takes up very little of my time when we are apart as i would not really be available to be with him online in the evenings when he theoretically could be (he's old and takes "naps" before he goes to bed so not sure this would ever happen anyway ). i am lucky to get down to see Daddy as often as i do and skipping out on work to be with him any time but at night is out of the question for both of us actually.

i can see how it would be really hard for you to have the sort of TPE relationship you want with your owners while establishing your own boundaries. If they aren't defining them and life isn't clearly defining them by simply being what it is ultimately they will catch up with you and unfortunately it will be you who will suffer the consequences.

i would say this is the source of your sense of betrayal.

 

[BiBunny]

i just wanted to add that i'm not really trying to promote the particular dynamic i have with Daddy as a feasible 24/7 partnership with kids and taxes and mortgages. It works for us because there are no other strings. Because those other parts of my life are on their own trajectory with someone else with whom i have a close but egalitarian relationship, i have the luxury of pursuing the type of relationship i have with Daddy without really feeling like i'm risking "everything" emotionally or otherwise.

i am living my life and there is a very well defined space wherein which mine and Daddy's lives intersect four nights a month in a hotel room.

i have a really hard time establishing my own boundaries. To do so seems to break my internal pyl code. In many ways i consider myself very lucky they have been in many ways defined for me. Daddy is rarely online during the day so he takes up very little of my time when we are apart as i would not really be available to be with him online in the evenings when he theoretically could be (he's old and takes "naps" before he goes to bed so not sure this would ever happen anyway ). i am lucky to get down to see Daddy as often as i do and skipping out on work to be with him any time but at night is out of the question for both of us actually.

i can see how it would be really hard for you to have the sort of TPE relationship you want with your owners while establishing your own boundaries. If they aren't defining them and life isn't clearly defining them by simply being what it is ultimately they will catch up with you and unfortunately it will be you who will suffer the consequences.

i would say this is the source of your sense of betrayal.

Interesting and very insightful. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if you were right, either.

 

[satindesire]

Double-posting here to say I don't think they do it intentionally. I just don't think they realize the sheer amount of work and the sheer number of log-in hours needed to make the kind of money I need to make. An hour here and there between doing laundry and baking cookies and cleaning up the kitchen and letting the dogs in and out just doesn't cut it, unfortunately.

This might raise a few hackles, I don't mean this in an offensive way AT ALL so please PLEASE don't take this as I'm saying it in any way other than totally trying to help you...

But, is there ANY way they could give you some money? Even if it's just shooting you 40 bucks for groceries or something, you know, to help you out? Maybe you won't feel so stressed out about cash.

 

[ultramarineblue]

i have a really hard time establishing my own boundaries. To do so seems to break my internal pyl code.

If they aren't defining them and life isn't clearly defining them by simply being what it is ultimately they will catch up with you and unfortunately it will be you who will suffer the consequences.

i would say this is the source of your sense of betrayal.

I'm so glad I read this this morning. I know without a doubt this is what my problem is right now. I can't say no. I have to say no though or I will be damaged. I don't think it's a question of if my PYL is the right or wrong one. I think it's more a question of us figuring out what works for us and some things aren't working for us. I just have to communicate that better. I'm thinking that I will learn if my PYL is right or wrong as to whether or not he continues to overstep those boundaries once I communicate them.

It just feels so wrong to be the one to set any boundaries though.

 

[BiBunny]

This might raise a few hackles, I don't mean this in an offensive way AT ALL so please PLEASE don't take this as I'm saying it in any way other than totally trying to help you...

But, is there ANY way they could give you some money? Even if it's just shooting you 40 bucks for groceries or something, you know, to help you out? Maybe you won't feel so stressed out about cash.

LOL, they're broke-asses, too. On a good week, I make more than both of them combined. There just haven't been too many good weeks lately.

Thanks for the suggestion, though!

 

[satindesire]

LOL, they're broke-asses, too. On a good week, I make more than both of them combined. There just haven't been too many good weeks lately.

Thanks for the suggestion, though!

Awww, darn. I'm sorry. I tried.

 

[Adakgirl]

I don't think making that list is childish either..in fact writing down your feelings as you have them pertaining to certain situations is a great way to communicate if you are lacking in the ability to say what you want need to say at the moment.

A lot of times it's hard for me to put my finger on exactly whats bothering me and why...at the time it's bothering me. I have to wait awhile and let my mind work it out before I can express it..even then I can't always say it. But I can write it down and I do.
When I write issues out, along with my reactions to them, it tends to make them easier for me to understand and then talk about. If that's not possible I will write a letter and hand it to the person I'm having issues with. Or once written out, I see it's not that big of a thing in the first place and I let it go.

I think writing down what's eating you will help a lot. But no list can cover it all.

 

[BiBunny]

I can't really decide most of the time if I'm being overly sensitive, or if they're just inconsiderate assholes.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I can't really decide most of the time if I'm being overly sensitive, or if they're just inconsiderate assholes.

Probably a little of both. Domly types are self-centered pretty much by definition. Their needs come first. It is not that they purposely don't consider their s-types needs and real life issues, it just isn't in the forefront of their minds.

It's been an issue with us. The only way I have found to deal with it is to tell him in as few words and without emotion that I am being overwhelmed, in need of sleep, time to clean the house whatever. "I need to do XYZ today that will take 5 hours, May I do tasks at 6pm?". I try to make sure he knows my schedule and other responsibilies a week ahead of time--in writing. I will also gently remind him if I have a stressful, appt packed day coming up.

I am also learning not to just suck it up and deal with it if it seems to me he is just forgetting I have a big work project or family outing etc. I gently remind him and if he still insist--so be it, but at least he knows.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Yup. Definitely write a list. Taking the time to think and put pen to paper helps a lot.

If you're like me, you can think a whole bunch of things at once and get yourself confused, but you can only write one at a time. Writing helps keep things organised!

Order is wonderful, rooly trooly.

Then, if you forward it on, it gives them time to think about it, and their responses. Also super handy if you're also not so good at the "sit round the table having a family discussion' thing.

 

[BiBunny]

I hate to, like, keeping bumping this thread and shit, but I've been thinking, and it all needed to come out somewhere. Figured it beat starting a new thread.

I have isolated two serious problems in my relationship. Everything basically comes back to these two things. I believe somewhere the two things are wrapped up in each other as well, but I haven't quite figured that one out yet.

1.) I'm getting conflicting signals on if I'm really wanted or not. On one hand, it's "we want to keep you forever," and on the other, it's "if you don't do what I want, then leave." Or introducing me to their friends because I'm "going to be around awhile" vs. updating their ages and pictures in their CollarMe and FetLife profiles, but not taking out the big "seeking female pet" paragraph.

Ok, the last thing may just be me being petty. It's one of those things that niggles at me, though, when I'm already pretty rife with insecurities. Feeling like they're still shopping for a newer and better model =/= good feelings.

2.) I think we're all trying to make me into our idea of what I should be, when, in reality, I am none of those things.

She truly does not understand the submissive mindset at all and, I believe, is not really interested in kink outside of the bedroom. For her, it's kinda like, "Ok, someone to have kinky sex with, and I'll never have to do laundry again."

He, on the other hand, does crave more. He also knows that I want to be more than just the kinky swinger couple's play partner. So I think he goes overboard in the other direction, trying to compensate for her lack of interest. Then, I just feel objectified in the not-good way and like I'm either being humored or having my needs flat-out ignored.

Then, I'm so busy trying to cram myself into this mold of what I think the perfect slave should be that I've made myself miserable because I'll never measure up to this stupid standard. I feel like a failure and a bad person for wanting my needs taken care of in the first place.


Now, I think I've sort of come to realize what I am and what I need here.

Ok, first of all, I'm dropping the use of the term "slave" to describe myself. I'm not one, really, and it creates this impossible standard in my mind for me to live up to because I'm not one who buys the whole "you can make up your own definition for any word" crap.

I'm a fucking sadomasochistic service pet who wants to be loved more than "dominated."

I need attention to be happy. If that's not submissive, well, then, I just hate the hell out of it, but that's just how it is. I do not have the ability to sublimate this need in order to be the perfect little slave. Sorry. Too bad.

I feel stifled watching all of us try to box me into this little role that none of us are comfortable with. I feel like M/s is a dynamic based on deprivation and the word "no," and I'm just not cool with that. I don't feel all submissive and happy and owned when I'm told "no" over something perfectly reasonable. I had enough of that bullshit when I was growing up.

I'm a goddamned service pet. I feel happiest and most owned when I'm doing something that makes them happy. When I went over to visit for Christmas and take them their presents, she said something about the next time I come over, we're doing pedicures. The idea of doing her toenails for her pretty much sent me over the moon.

THAT is what makes me happy. THAT is what fulfills me. Not all of us trying to pretend like I'm completely not self-determining when we all know I am. The facade is just ridiculous at this point.

Bunny as Pet: Girl on leash (sometimes) who gets petted a lot and talked to a lot and given a lot of quality time because she is loved and cute and sweet and totally devoted. Fiercely passionate toward and protective of her Owners. Free, in certain ways, and held captive in others.

Bunny as Service Submissive: Subbish person who doesn't care so much about "being dominated." (In fact, it makes me gag when people try to overtly challenge me to a battle of wills.) Happy pretty much only when Owners are happy. Doesn't really act, but reacts. Doesn't need force, punishment, etc. People-pleaser to the point that it's often detrimental to me. Utterly miserable if Owner people are unhappy and will do pretty much anything to fix it, if possible.

They don't like me as pseudo-slave, either. I think they find it as stifling as I do.


Ok, I got off track there.

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how to communicate this to them. It basically amounts to YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. And there's not really a nice way to say that, is there?

Blech. Sorry for the tl;dr post.

 

[Netzach]

I'm a goddamned service pet. I feel happiest and most owned when I'm doing something that makes them happy. When I went over to visit for Christmas and take them their presents, she said something about the next time I come over, we're doing pedicures. The idea of doing her toenails for her pretty much sent me over the moon.

THAT is what makes me happy. THAT is what fulfills me. Not all of us trying to pretend like I'm completely not self-determining when we all know I am. The facade is just ridiculous at this point.

If someone told me this I'd be tickled to death. My suggestion is to try and come up with DOs as much as DONT's.

I'm not sure if that's the right advice. If the whole thing is predicated on "you've no right to ask for things" this may not be the right approach. But when I'm sucking at something, I often benefit from SOME idea of how not to suck. And that leads to more of my own ideas.

Can you exploit (in the good sense) the differences between them in a way that meets everyone's needs? Being more of a fun and coddled girlfriendy pet to her and more of a property for him? It may come as a relief to her to be able to play more...playfully for want of a better word. Have those two relationships had enough breathing space to have their own identities?

 

[BiBunny]

If someone told me this I'd be tickled to death. My suggestion is to try and come up with DOs as much as DONT's.

I'm not sure if that's the right advice. If the whole thing is predicated on "you've no right to ask for things" this may not be the right approach. But when I'm sucking at something, I often benefit from SOME idea of how not to suck. And that leads to more of my own ideas.

Can you exploit (in the good sense) the differences between them in a way that meets everyone's needs? Being more of a fun and coddled girlfriendy pet to her and more of a property for him? It may come as a relief to her to be able to play more...playfully for want of a better word. Have those two relationships had enough breathing space to have their own identities?

Not really, and that's probably part of the problem.

Hmm. I hadn't thought of that, but it sounds like a fabulous idea. I think we're all over the "you've no right to ask for things" thing, really. We tried it. We're bored with it. Next?

I think she'd respond better to that, for sure. He might even, to some extent, too. It's more intense between him and me, and in the property sense at times, but I think we'd ALL be cooler with it if I were fun, coddled, girlfriendy pet.

I'm seriously thinking of asking how they'd feel about a male slave for me to be mean to occasionally and to do more of the dirty work while I sit on my fluffy pink princess pillow, getting my hair brushed and taking phone sex calls.

Not that *he* doesn't provide me with plenty of opportunities to be mean. Oh, the joys of a houseful of switches.

 

[ataxia.girl]

THAT is what makes me happy. THAT is what fulfills me. Not all of us trying to pretend like I'm completely not self-determining when we all know I am. The facade is just ridiculous at this point.

i've had to make my peace with this. Daddy "owns" me between 5pm and 8am 4 nights a month and that's really it. That is reality. i used to get caught up in wanting to believe he really really "owned" me and i romanticized the whole thing but reality is reality.

During those hours we do what we do. The rest of the time i pull off capable, successful, mother of four, career woman pretty well (excepting that one day a few months ago when i had a potentially fatal meltdown but whatever... that was just one bad day).

You're happiest with x. i'm happiest in a crazy battle of wills where i always lose. Daddy doesn't challenge me. He would be happy with obedience but perhaps less easy to make so hard <eg> Anyway... i challenge him, not for him, for me, when i feel like it and when i feel like doing that he obliges by force fucking me, or spanking me, or ignoring me, or whatever response HE feels like at that moment which is what I (capital I) want! He accepts me and all my crazy unpredictability. i am never made to feel less than or unwanted because i often make irrational demands and lob anger and insults his way. During those hours he may only own a stark raving mad little girl lunatic but he still owns me.

He meets my needs.

Yours are basically getting met or they aren't but the self determined part is not really going to go away. i have a romantic desire for the totality of total ownership. Its not going to happen and honestly, i don't think it would really satisfy me, i don't think i would be anymore content\fulfilled. i'd still be angsty and pissed off at the world a good portion of my time in it.

 

[BiBunny]

i've had to make my peace with this. Daddy "owns" me between 5pm and 8am 4 nights a month and that's really it. That is reality. i used to get caught up in wanting to believe he really really "owned" me and i romanticized the whole thing but reality is reality.

During those hours we do what we do. The rest of the time i pull off capable, successful, mother of four, career woman pretty well (excepting that one day a few months ago when i had a potentially fatal meltdown but whatever... that was just one bad day).

You're happiest with x. i'm happiest in a crazy battle of wills where i always lose. Daddy doesn't challenge me. He would be happy with obedience but perhaps less easy to make so hard <eg> Anyway... i challenge him, not for him, for me, when i feel like it and when i feel like doing that he obliges by force fucking me, or spanking me, or ignoring me, or whatever response HE feels like at that moment which is what I (capital I) want! He accepts me and all my crazy unpredictability. i am never made to feel less than or unwanted because i often make irrational demands and lob anger and insults his way. During those hours he may only own a stark raving mad little girl lunatic but he still owns me.

He meets my needs.

Yours are basically getting met or they aren't but the self determined part is not really going to go away. i have a romantic desire for the totality of total ownership. Its not going to happen and honestly, i don't think it would really satisfy me, i don't think i would be anymore content\fulfilled. i'd still be angsty and pissed off at the world a good portion of my time in it.

That's been my experience with pretending it. God knows how bad it would be if it were actually reality.

I'm pet. I'm 7-year-old little girl sometimes.. I'm not a slave. I suck at it. Even if I moved in with them 24/7, I'm still not a slave. We've all been going in completely the wrong direction with it because, really, none of actually know what we're doing here.

Up until a year ago, I was a two or three day a month hotel room sub, more or less. This is a real relationship now, and I dunno how to handle it. This is their first "poly" relationship, and I don't think they're so sure how to handle it, either.

Trying to make a huge difference in my role and hers in his life has only served to alienate all of us. I don't like this whole slave thing. The idea of being the much more submissive illegitimate second wife sounds better to me.

I'm over trying hard to be something I'm not to satisfy the voices in my head or the ideals in someone else's.

 

[Netzach]

There isn't a road map. You're three people trying to make sense of stuff with no model in mind. This is the part that sucks about DIY craft projects.

Every relationship is a real relationship- when the parameters change sometimes you need to be flexible with them and feed their demands. For some people more time together = more power exchange. For other people, the opposite. You may fluctuate at different times in your life within an ongoing relationship.

Another benefit of a houseful of switches, no one's REALLY counting. I think something you're doing that's really smart, is figuring out what's NOT fluid, at least at this snapshot in time for you. With all that fluidity going on, the benchmarks are going to be really particular and subtle, and even better reason to figure out what they are.

 

[Homburg]

1.) I'm getting conflicting signals on if I'm really wanted or not. On one hand, it's "we want to keep you forever," and on the other, it's "if you don't do what I want, then leave."

I see no disconnect in this. I will happily keep someone for exactly as long as they do what I want. As I will continue to want what I want,t hat may well be forever and ever, but the minute you cease doing what I want, your worth begins to fall off.

And, honestly, it is a form of control. As Netz mentioned elsewhere, fear of dismissal is a solid thing.

Or introducing me to their friends because I'm "going to be around awhile" vs. updating their ages and pictures in their CollarMe and FetLife profiles, but not taking out the big "seeking female pet" paragraph.

Ok, the last thing may just be me being petty. It's one of those things that niggles at me, though, when I'm already pretty rife with insecurities. Feeling like they're still shopping for a newer and better model =/= good feelings.

Don't conflate laziness with disdain.

As tot he rest of it, you've done what appears to be quality soul-searching. Maybe some quality communicating would be a good follow-up, no?

And we're gonna have to disagree about M/s being based on "no". I see the opposite. In my world, it's based on the largely unconditional "yes" that the s says to the M. This is probably just a half-full vs half-empty thing though.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I see no disconnect in this. I will happily keep someone for exactly as long as they do what I want. As I will continue to want what I want,t hat may well be forever and ever, but the minute you cease doing what I want, your worth begins to fall off.

And, honestly, it is a form of control. As Netz mentioned elsewhere, fear of dismissal is a solid thing.

This is where the ageplay\incest piece keeps me with Daddy. my worth comes from something outside my obedience.

That whole self control thing and believing in my future self, that she will continue to obey is too much for me to deal with and i won't go there. i've never been consistent in the past. Why on earth would i believe i could consistently obey in the future? The only thing i have ever been consistently is inconsistent.

i'll never stop pushing the envelope and testing the boundaries. To be with someone who would dismiss me for basically being me just wouldn't happen long term.

That said i get the hostage thing too. The day my Daddy promised never to leave me i questioned his sincerity and he even said he knew exactly what it meant, that he had been held hostage. He knows what that is but he bet on me anyway. So far i don't think he has been disappointed.

Why don't i hold him hostage to my "needs?" He doesn't allow it. God knows i have tried but when it comes down to it his will is stronger than mine. i always give up. That fucker just will not give in. He has decided what i need and while he will listen to me he isn't all that inclined to think i know what i need better than he does.

He doesn't mind me being mad at him though. As long as i'm his he doesn't care too much how i am.

 

[Netzach]

Don't conflate laziness with disdain.

In this case it seems like these are not super-sensitive-to-nuance and organized people - I know that any profile I have out there is likely to be at least 100 years old. You are probably right, that is IS laziness, but it's also worth some scrutiny and consideration because it does send kind of a crap message, to update pics and not status in this regard. It's a fine line between being too sensitive and being in denial about things that are bothersome.