limitations and compromises vs. freedom of sexual expression

eastern sun

hungry little creature
Joined
Nov 19, 2005
Posts
2,703
How do life's obligations and responsibilities hamper the full and free expression of your sexuality?

Do you regret being unable to fully express yourself?

What compromises are you comfortable with? Why?

Does anyone feel like they are completely free to express the full range of their sexuality?

Is it a goal we should aspire to?

Would you want to live in a world where everyone felt free to express themselves?

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Though I'd still like to feel more freedom to be the sexual woman that I am, I recognize that certain limitations need to be placed on the public sphere of any activity.

But privately, I want freedom. To be myself. And within the confines of my private life, I am still limited by work, children, community obligations. I am comfortable compromising in these ways, but am still disappointed.

And then there's the internal world, where I actually have the most freedom, but still place limits around my sexuality. With religious and spiritual doctrines, fears, and prejudices.

Why don't we express our deepest desires? When do we decide it's time to act?
 
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For the sake of this argument, let's pretend Jounar and I live together.

Now if I was totally free to be the highly sexual creature that I am, I would spend the entire day with his cock in some part of my body and the only stich of clothing being my collar.

The problem with this, we're not independatly wealthy, so we have to work if we want to do things like eat and have a home to live in and what not. And while I can spend the majority of my home time with out clothing If I have company I have to respect their option to not know me so personally.

I don't really feel so much limited by these things as I do anoyed. I can bear with them but man when I hit the lotto you might start reading about the crazy rich lady who never wears a stich of clothing.
 
For the sake of this argument, let's pretend Jounar and I live together.

Now if I was totally free to be the highly sexual creature that I am, I would spend the entire day with his cock in some part of my body and the only stich of clothing being my collar.

The problem with this, we're not independatly wealthy, so we have to work if we want to do things like eat and have a home to live in and what not. And while I can spend the majority of my home time with out clothing If I have company I have to respect their option to not know me so personally.

I don't really feel so much limited by these things as I do anoyed. I can bear with them but man when I hit the lotto you might start reading about the crazy rich lady who never wears a stich of clothing.

And I will come knocking on your door . . . :)

For the sake of the argument, though, why not join a nudist colony? And why do so many nudists seem asexual? I used to frequent a nude beach in California, and I loved the feel of the sun and the wind and the ocean on my skin. But because we were all naked, we kept our sexual energy at a minimum. Why? Social order? On a rocky, nearly secluded beach?

And, again for the sake of the argument . . . sex sells. As a highly sexual woman, why not find work in the sex industry? Or integrate your sexuality into a marketable service/product? Your sexuality is visibly sewn into the costumes you've created, and might make you some money if you made it more explicit. I'm not suggesting that you should, but . . . Why don't we decide to integrate work with our sexuality?

By the way, I don't market my sexuality either. When I first came into contact with public play, I was in my early 30's and a high school teacher. I'd been a performing artist all my life, and integrating my sexuality with public performance could have been a natural fit. All I could think of was the trouble I'd get into if these inclinations of mine were known. And I kept them firmly under wraps.
 
And I will come knocking on your door . . . :)

For the sake of the argument, though, why not join a nudist colony? And why do so many nudists seem asexual? I used to frequent a nude beach in California, and I loved the feel of the sun and the wind and the ocean on my skin. But because we were all naked, we kept our sexual energy at a minimum. Why? Social order? On a rocky, nearly secluded beach?

And, again for the sake of the argument . . . sex sells. As a highly sexual woman, why not find work in the sex industry? Or integrate your sexuality into a marketable service/product? Your sexuality is visibly sewn into the costumes you've created, and might make you some money if you made it more explicit. I'm not suggesting that you should, but . . . Why don't we decide to integrate work with our sexuality?

By the way, I don't market my sexuality either. When I first came into contact with public play, I was in my early 30's and a high school teacher. I'd been a performing artist all my life, and integrating my sexuality with public performance could have been a natural fit. All I could think of was the trouble I'd get into if these inclinations of mine were known. And I kept them firmly under wraps.


Having tried an integrated approach, I would say there's too much of a good thing. Steak and Eggs every day will get boring before it even kills you.

I personally NEED some non-fucking-celibate-downtime-more-important-shit-on-earth-than-my-constant-gratification time. And how.
 
To some extent, my brain still associates kinky sex with a wild, out of control me. So my tendency is to think of everything kink-related as secret and kind of underground, and separate it from the rest of my life.
 
I am not sure my sexual identity is my first priority. I need to balance it with my social identity and my familial roles. If my sexual identity is denied, she will assert herself, but I'm not in that position.

I'm lucky (or unlucky) enough that my husband and I met online and we went through a very protracted "anything goes" fantasy space for years before we actually got together.

I wore out a lot of my fantasies and really got to where I longed for hanging out on the couch together watching TV and enjoying each other's company.

So I think I express my truest desires and I'm lucky enough to get it, and I'm satisfied. Lucky or unlucky in our beginnings, I feel truly blessed now. Full on fantasy space for me wasn't really where I wanted to live. Day to day intimacy and "mundane" things were ultimately what I really craved, despite all the whips and pixie dust. May not be everyone's answer, but it's mine.

I couldn't have gotten here without going through the whips and pixie dust, though. Until I saw past them, for me, into the intimacy I really did want. I turned into casual comfort girl.

How did this first express itself? I had access to all sorts of sexual fantasies and desires on tap. What did I want? To be there when he had a cold.

So sometimes it's not the "out there" stuff that is failing to be expressed. For me it was the failing of every day life that I desperately wanted to have, and won't ever take for granted.
 
Having tried an integrated approach, I would say there's too much of a good thing. Steak and Eggs every day will get boring before it even kills you.

I personally NEED some non-fucking-celibate-downtime-more-important-shit-on-earth-than-my-constant-gratification time. And how.

I know what you mean about "too much of a good thing." Full-time all hours of the day sex is totally impressive at first, but within a year or two begins to create some less desirable circumstances in its wake. (I began to worry about my health, the impact on my heart and immune system. I also began to worry about my social relationships. = And this was before I even began to worry about my children.)

So, if full integration is too much, how do you know when to turn it on and when to turn it off? Do you wait until it's deadened and repetitive? Do you ration it to make it last? Do you act purely on whim?

There are the obvious times when other things must be addressed. When peace and contentment and stability become the most desirable state.

But what gets you going again? An image? A smell? A chance encounter? An urge?

How do you decide whether to act or not?
 
And I will come knocking on your door . . . :)

For the sake of the argument, though, why not join a nudist colony? And why do so many nudists seem asexual? I used to frequent a nude beach in California, and I loved the feel of the sun and the wind and the ocean on my skin. But because we were all naked, we kept our sexual energy at a minimum. Why? Social order? On a rocky, nearly secluded beach?

And, again for the sake of the argument . . . sex sells. As a highly sexual woman, why not find work in the sex industry? Or integrate your sexuality into a marketable service/product? Your sexuality is visibly sewn into the costumes you've created, and might make you some money if you made it more explicit. I'm not suggesting that you should, but . . . Why don't we decide to integrate work with our sexuality?

By the way, I don't market my sexuality either. When I first came into contact with public play, I was in my early 30's and a high school teacher. I'd been a performing artist all my life, and integrating my sexuality with public performance could have been a natural fit. All I could think of was the trouble I'd get into if these inclinations of mine were known. And I kept them firmly under wraps.

I don't actually respond to nudity sexually. Nudity isn't what does it for me. And it doesn't sell for me. Most of the blatant attempts to sell body parts just leave me rolling my eyes. "Gosh, another shower scene. Oh look! Gratuitous ass." Ugh.

If I'm sold on the person themselves, and for me it usually means someone's gifted in some way, talented or funny...but for me I have to fall for the personality before the body does anything for me.

So it depends entirely on your personality, I think.
 
To some extent, my brain still associates kinky sex with a wild, out of control me. So my tendency is to think of everything kink-related as secret and kind of underground, and separate it from the rest of my life.

I share some of this, associating my kinky self with my addict. But I don't like that association, and would like to be free of it.

My husband wants me to get rid of it, but the more he presses me to abandon the concern, the more I think he's enabling my addiction. This is an internal circle that has very limiting consequences.
 
So, if full integration is too much, how do you know when to turn it on and when to turn it off? Do you wait until it's deadened and repetitive? Do you ration it to make it last? Do you act purely on whim?

There are the obvious times when other things must be addressed. When peace and contentment and stability become the most desirable state.

But what gets you going again? An image? A smell? A chance encounter? An urge?

How do you decide whether to act or not?

I can't do the deadened and repetitive or rationing. To me this is a very simple thing that you can ruin by overthinking it.

If you want sex, have sex. If nobody is there to have sex with, do the masturbation thing very well.

Thinking about whether or not it's optimum would ruin it for me.

My sex. MINE. I'll do it my way.

Same thing for diet. Sure, don't go stupid malnutrition, get the good stuff and supplement if you have to, but eat what you like, don't go on diets that make you crazed and enjoy it to its fullest.
 
And I will come knocking on your door . . . :)

For the sake of the argument, though, why not join a nudist colony? And why do so many nudists seem asexual? I used to frequent a nude beach in California, and I loved the feel of the sun and the wind and the ocean on my skin. But because we were all naked, we kept our sexual energy at a minimum. Why? Social order? On a rocky, nearly secluded beach?

And, again for the sake of the argument . . . sex sells. As a highly sexual woman, why not find work in the sex industry? Or integrate your sexuality into a marketable service/product? Your sexuality is visibly sewn into the costumes you've created, and might make you some money if you made it more explicit. I'm not suggesting that you should, but . . . Why don't we decide to integrate work with our sexuality?

By the way, I don't market my sexuality either. When I first came into contact with public play, I was in my early 30's and a high school teacher. I'd been a performing artist all my life, and integrating my sexuality with public performance could have been a natural fit. All I could think of was the trouble I'd get into if these inclinations of mine were known. And I kept them firmly under wraps.

*giggles* Okay, I'll bite. ;)

While I'm most comfortable naked, I'm not all that comfortable around naked people. I know that sounds selfish, but the truth of the matter is I don't seperate nudity and sex all that well. If I'm naked, it's 90% about me being comfortable and 10% about hoping you notice my state of arousal. If you're naked my mind typically goes "Oh goodie I'm getting some action!" Now that might be able to be worked out eventually, but in the mean time my constant state of arousal would be very noticed and while I cound give a fuck, I've heard that it wouldn't be too well looked upon.

A friend of mine and I joke about him taking me to navada and him pimping me out, mostly focasing on my blow jobs. He says we'd make a fortune in no time and I would only have to work a couple hours a day. And I have thought about it. Jounar will have none of that kind of talk. He doesn't like to share his toys, and I don't have a need to share myself with many partners, so I have no arguments to his decition there...not that it would mater much if I did. So part one to that answer is that I have a responcibility to Jounar to act in the way he wishes his property to act. The second reason I don't persue this has to do with my back ground and psycological well being. I realized a few years ago that I used sex to get what I want, and the most obvious of those things is attention. This is very likely connected to my childhood. The problem with this is that the kind of attention I recieve this way doesn't last and isn't over all satisfying. So for my own sanity, I don't seek out that lifestyle. And since I have no desire to do this I don't feel held back.

I have done more erotic costumes. It kind of comes in phases, and right now I'm just in a period phase so I tend to stick as close to period and still apeal to modern tastes as possible. I'm feeling a more sexually oriented line coming on soon, but as with any art I've done, I let the art tell me what it is, I don't push it. Unfortunately I don't produse enough costumes to make a solid living off of.
As I've mentioned if I could make a living off of my costumes, I would, but I'd do it as art, not as some mass produced self item.

I'm really lucky I think in that overall I don't feel hindered by my faith, work, socity, nor even my owner for the most part. I'm free to express my sexuality to my owner in the form of pictures and any other way I desire, as long as it's directed towards him. Infact there are many things he encorages...including taking pictures himself of a half naked me in the hallway of the hotel we were staying at.
 
I am not sure my sexual identity is my first priority. I need to balance it with my social identity and my familial roles. If my sexual identity is denied, she will assert herself, but I'm not in that position.

I'm lucky (or unlucky) enough that my husband and I met online and we went through a very protracted "anything goes" fantasy space for years before we actually got together.

I wore out a lot of my fantasies and really got to where I longed for hanging out on the couch together watching TV and enjoying each other's company.

So I think I express my truest desires and I'm lucky enough to get it, and I'm satisfied. Lucky or unlucky in our beginnings, I feel truly blessed now. Full on fantasy space for me wasn't really where I wanted to live. Day to day intimacy and "mundane" things were ultimately what I really craved, despite all the whips and pixie dust. May not be everyone's answer, but it's mine.

I couldn't have gotten here without going through the whips and pixie dust, though. Until I saw past them, for me, into the intimacy I really did want. I turned into casual comfort girl.

How did this first express itself? I had access to all sorts of sexual fantasies and desires on tap. What did I want? To be there when he had a cold.

So sometimes it's not the "out there" stuff that is failing to be expressed. For me it was the failing of every day life that I desperately wanted to have, and won't ever take for granted.

Since I went to college, I've always lived with someone I was sleeping with. I have had as much intimacy, colds, work, t.v., boredom, adventure, birth, death, contempt, love, sex, fantasies, and masturbation that I could hope for, and have considered myself lucky.

I think there was a time when I thought that it was important to be everything, if not all at once, then at least sequentially. In other words, it was possible (and desirable) to be nurturing mother, wild mojo witch, gutter-tramp, sage woman, and sacrificial slave, all of which fit into my image of myself as a sexual woman.

I could pull out different qualities for different occasions and serve up a dish that would suit the tastes of the participants. You can imagine though that I've confused myself in the process. Especially when two different roles would act in contrary ways. It has, in fact, tangled me up in knots that effectively crippled me until I could figure out what was going on.

Maybe the answer is to arrive back on the couch watching t.v. It's what my husband wants me to do more than anything in the world right now.

I kind of want to ride the night wind off into the starry sky.

I bolded that one sentence, because I think it's an interesting psychological theory - that repressed aspects of our personality will find expression whether we are aware of it or not, and whether we like it or not.
 
I dont have a job at the moment, my children are grown up and dont live with me, I have very little community obligations, living in foreign country and not being the kind of person that makes friends easily. I am mostly alone at home with my cat and I am perfectly happy with that.

I have basically nothing in life to stop me from expressing my sexuality whenever and however I want. The only thing I lack is compatible person, the one I could try some "other" things with. My husband is a swinger, though I find that term very lacking. We basically have sex with other people, together. It doesnt have to be couples, actually after several years we decided we can find better match with single people. I think we could even set up a decent poly household with the right person but we are not actively looking for anything alike.

The problem, if one can call it a problem, is that though I do enjoy "orgies", I need more than that. I want much rougher sex and usually from the giving end. My husband is just plain normal apart from the fact that he wants to have more than one sexual partner. I cant ask him to indulge me because I need person who will enjoy something I do just as much as I do, not do it for my sake only. That is why I started to search on BDSM sites. He knows about it and doesnt mind, he said it was my thing and if I found a submissive he will not interfere unless I want him to. Maybe I am too picky but I havent found anyone I really like yet. I am experimenting online but its lacking, I need real thing. I am not in rush since I really want to find a person that will "click" with me in more than one way.

So, I dont feel anything is stopping me from having sex when I feel like it, only I cant have sex exactly the way I would like to. My limitation is simple lack of suitable partner.
 
Since I went to college, I've always lived with someone I was sleeping with. I have had as much intimacy, colds, work, t.v., boredom, adventure, birth, death, contempt, love, sex, fantasies, and masturbation that I could hope for, and have considered myself lucky.

I think there was a time when I thought that it was important to be everything, if not all at once, then at least sequentially. In other words, it was possible (and desirable) to be nurturing mother, wild mojo witch, gutter-tramp, sage woman, and sacrificial slave, all of which fit into my image of myself as a sexual woman.

I could pull out different qualities for different occasions and serve up a dish that would suit the tastes of the participants. You can imagine though that I've confused myself in the process. Especially when two different roles would act in contrary ways. It has, in fact, tangled me up in knots that effectively crippled me until I could figure out what was going on.

Maybe the answer is to arrive back on the couch watching t.v. It's what my husband wants me to do more than anything in the world right now.

I kind of want to ride the night wind off into the starry sky.

I bolded that one sentence, because I think it's an interesting psychological theory - that repressed aspects of our personality will find expression whether we are aware of it or not, and whether we like it or not.

I'm not a "have it all" person. Maybe it's because my limitations are very clear and I suffer from quite a bit of chronic pain. I'm just grateful for "not ow." I have also done quite a few very risky and crazy things, so I don't really have any regrets where I had a chance to do something and I didn't do it. Husband and I also had pretty wild youths and awful marriages preceding this one. Neither of us are longing for anything. (I do ask, still.) But if you're longing, definitely find what aspect of it is compelling for you.

If the couch isn't for you, that's cool. If it's what your husband wants, I'm just saying it's possible to have that happen and have it be okay. Not just okay, kinda miraculous. But that's my deal, maybe his deal. It's no good if you conform to it and it isn't your deal.

Until or unless you try it with a free heart, I don't think you know. One thing I'll say about practitioners of BDSM who identify themselves that way primarily. One of the cardinal sins is to be boring. Even contemplating it is razor blades to the soul. I embraced my boring long ago and it was razor blades. And then it was liberating. Because try as I might, it's not the couch or the TV that make a person boring. Good to know. It was good for me to know anyway. I'm still me. Comfy or wild, I have choices, and I don't have to only be one. If someone decides I'm boring because of the couch, they're falling for appearances, something I try not to do.

This is not to say that this relates to you, but many, many people don't want to do the "sweat pants on the couch" thing because it's so deeply ingrained that it's boring and the worst thing you can do to yourself is "compromise."

However, I think a lot of people are absolutely screaming for some "boring" in their life to prove to themselves they're at no risk of being boring.

And that bolded sentence for me is not theory. "The truth will out." I'm...um...opinionated.
 
But if you're longing, definitely find what aspect of it is compelling for you.

If the couch isn't for you, that's cool. If it's what your husband wants, I'm just saying it's possible to have that happen and have it be okay. Not just okay, kinda miraculous. But that's my deal, maybe his deal. It's no good if you conform to it and it isn't your deal.

Until or unless you try it with a free heart, I don't think you know. One thing I'll say about practitioners of BDSM who identify themselves that way primarily. One of the cardinal sins is to be boring. Even contemplating it is razor blades to the soul. I embraced my boring long ago and it was razor blades. And then it was liberating. Because try as I might, it's not the couch or the TV that make a person boring. Good to know. It was good for me to know anyway. I'm still me. Comfy or wild, I have choices, and I don't have to only be one. If someone decides I'm boring because of the couch, they're falling for appearances, something I try not to do.

Crowded by my children, I long for open space and some sense of the infinite.

I find it internally. And by gazing at the sky.

A huge part of my experience of this "slavery" of mine has been the discovery of the miraculous in the mundane, as I abandoned the search for excitement "out there," and discovered my little domestic world and the landscape of my mind.

Most of my days are filled with housework, errands and childcare. So, in a BDSM kind of way, I am the most boring "slave" around.

How do you keep your wild side on the couch?
 
Crowded by my children, I long for open space and some sense of the infinite.

I find it internally. And by gazing at the sky.

A huge part of my experience of this "slavery" of mine has been the discovery of the miraculous in the mundane, as I abandoned the search for excitement "out there," and discovered my little domestic world and the landscape of my mind.

Most of my days are filled with housework, errands and childcare. So, in a BDSM kind of way, I am the most boring "slave" around.

How do you keep your wild side on the couch?

Children were a calming influence, they were grounding. I needed that, because I'm...not naturally grounded.

I always get sense of the infinite through meditation. I'm aware what I'm looking for is not "out there" but it's always "in here." I just need to find it. So every night before I go to sleep, I tend to meditate, every morning when I wake up, I draw a bath and immerse myself in warm water in the dark.

I think my answer is not "have it all" it's "be it all." That doesn't mean pick one and be things in order, it means have the ability to be whoever I feel is appropriate in a moment.

I've compared it to a diet and I've come toward this attitude the same way I've arrived at my diet attitude.

If I deny myself something I want, food or sex, I will build up a massive craving and I'll be neurotic about it. I'll obsess. So don't deny myself something.

The way this might work out for me is like this...there was just a phase where I was craving constant penetration, something I was aware was impossible for any human to keep up with. I told my husband it was time for me to go get myself a toy, and I'd like it if he went and picked it out with me. We went to an adult store, we had fun looking around and I bought a ton of toys and went crazy for a few months figuring that out for myself, and then it settled down. And now I know how to deal with that particular craving when it's a 24 hour a day thing and he's not home. I just stock up on rechargable batteries.

So the way life works with me is - once a need makes itself clear, it's really up to me to get it fulfilled. I can be practical or romantic or idealistic in turns, whatever works. I just keep trying ways to satisfy hunger and I focus on the hunger and how I can handle it under my own power if necessary, and I ask for what I can't.

Over years I've just gotten better at recognizing cravings and getting them handled the same way I would handle a chocolate or brussels sprouts craving. I go get them. And I don't put a judgment on which one is better for me or worse or weird. I want it, I go get it, and then I'm happy.

Being boring on the couch probably might depend on what you're watching together, what you say about what you're watching together, and, in my case, what I walk out on after four minutes. "No, sorry, no room in my brain for that much stupid. I'm out."

It means you're free to react instead of having to be a certain way.

I'm okay with whatever my gut's telling me I want to crave today, be it good for me or not so good for me, go with it, because what I think about it doesn't matter so much as getting that itch scratched and getting on with my day. I got stuff to do.

If I compare that to in the past when I take on a more idealistic viewpoint, I'd always want to crave brussells sprouts and be horrified when I crave chocolate. And ultimately I'd end up reinforcing to myself how awesome brussels sprouts were (well, they are) and how vile a person I must be to indulge in chocolate. But in the end, it's the recognition and satisfaction that matters, and then I move on to something new. If I get stuck ideologically in something I'm not satisfying, I'll obsess, overdo or underdo, and never move on.
 
If I compare that to in the past when I take on a more idealistic viewpoint, I'd always want to crave brussells sprouts and be horrified when I crave chocolate. And ultimately I'd end up reinforcing to myself how awesome brussels sprouts were (well, they are) and how vile a person I must be to indulge in chocolate. But in the end, it's the recognition and satisfaction that matters, and then I move on to something new. If I get stuck ideologically in something I'm not satisfying, I'll obsess, overdo or underdo, and never move on.

I'm an alcoholic and used to smoke. I still believe, and rightly so, that no matter how much I crave alcohol or cigarettes, I cannot indulge that craving without severely compromising the quality of my life.

This self-restriction affects my behavior in other areas, perhaps more than necessary.
 
I'm an alcoholic and used to smoke. I still believe, and rightly so, that no matter how much I crave alcohol or cigarettes, I cannot indulge that craving without severely compromising the quality of my life.

This self-restriction affects my behavior in other areas, perhaps more than necessary.

Well, yeah, then you're dealing with destructive addiction issues, above my pay grade.

If these are things that are destructive, you do need to take the action that works best for you.

If we're not talking chocolate or brussels sprouts, but heroin, totally different strategy.
 
I know what you mean about "too much of a good thing." Full-time all hours of the day sex is totally impressive at first, but within a year or two begins to create some less desirable circumstances in its wake. (I began to worry about my health, the impact on my heart and immune system. I also began to worry about my social relationships. = And this was before I even began to worry about my children.)

So, if full integration is too much, how do you know when to turn it on and when to turn it off? Do you wait until it's deadened and repetitive? Do you ration it to make it last? Do you act purely on whim?

There are the obvious times when other things must be addressed. When peace and contentment and stability become the most desirable state.

But what gets you going again? An image? A smell? A chance encounter? An urge?

How do you decide whether to act or not?

I have no idea, hormones? The right moment. Something he does that gets me going and then I do something - I think it's just the same as it always is - something touches off your attraction for one another and you act on it.

Like Recidiva, the less planning the better - but I will say that talking, scheming together, keeping it in FRONT of me is the best way to keep it floating around out there and more likely to happen.

Stressors kill it. Keeping it one of the major things that you think about is the only antidote.
 
How do life's obligations and responsibilities hamper the full and free expression of your sexuality?
Sometimes they hamper full and free expression and sometimes they aid and abet it. I have some obligations and responsibilities that are pretty much non-negotiable such as family life and work. As someone pointed out, I need the food on the table and the roof over my head, so I work and I don't really feel the need to express my sexuality within that context. Conversely, working in that way allows me to be more sexual, as financially I can afford to acquire some sexual benefits like weekends away, toys, lingerie, wine......

Do you regret being unable to fully express yourself?
I believe that my sexuality is such an innate part of myself that it is always ticking away in the background. I like to think of it as music – sometimes it is fully out to the forefront as a loud and strident high ‘C’, and at other times it chugs along as a bass line or rhythm. It’s always there though and it’s still expressed in some way or another – just the degree varies. Even not having sex is an expression of sexuality when you think about it.
Sometimes there’s just not all that much room in my life for full expression, and to be honest, I’m glad of that. I like to let the other parts of me have a little time in the sun as well.

What compromises are you comfortable with? Why?
I compromise by respecting other people’s boundaries and privacy. I wear clothes, I don’t tend leave certain items such as toys, books, or artwork around in the more public areas of my home. I don’t expect the right to engage in certain activities when staying as a guest in other people’s homes. In short, I don’t feel that being sensitive and respectful to other people is compromising all that much – I value my privacy as well.

Does anyone feel like they are completely free to express the full range of their sexuality?
Yes? no? maybe? I have no idea to be honest. I guess some people have that need to fully disclose everything that goes on in their lives, and I also understand that they may have very good reasons for taking that approach. My own belief in the fact that sexuality can, in itself be so mutable for some people that being able to express themselves is intrinsically tied up with their self-perception. They need to use the world as a mirror to see and identify themselves. I also have several friends who are highly expressive in terms of their sexuality – in some cases they have faced condemnation, rejection, and judgement from the people around them and their bravery and unwillingness to compromise themselves inspires me.

Is it a goal we should aspire to?
Each to their own. I’d just be happy if everyone could just be able to accept, nurture, and develop their own sexuality in whatever way best suits them. Bit of a fluffy answer I know.

Would you want to live in a world where everyone felt free to express themselves?
Yes – with the proviso that it ‘did no harm’ to others. Diversity means the fact that some people have sexual inclinations that are at the frayed edges of the spectrum (e.g. minors, animals, non-consenting others) making their right to freedom of sexual expression harmful, abusive, and illegal.
 
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How do life's obligations and responsibilities hamper the full and free expression of your sexuality?

Hubby and I cannot just have sex on a whim in the middle of the living room nor he can just make me scream because he so wishes.
Meeting with the Sadist, or any other men takes planning and organizing.
I cannot be used and abused to the point of not being functioning the following day.
I cannot just go and spend the whole night out at the Happening Club, or with the Sadist or with whomever. I cannot just spend all my money on shoes and lingerie and sexy outfits.

Do you regret being unable to fully express yourself? What compromises are you comfortable with? Why?

Life is made of choices. I chose to be married, I chose to be a mother.
Sometime I do fantasy on "what if"s... but I do not regret any of the choices I made nor the limitation in my life they brought.

So I accept Hubby and I need to limit our activities at home to the bedroom (and keep the decibels down) or take advantage of when the kids are not home.
I accept that I cannot just meet with the Sadist every week or even every-other week (cannot have the vanilla dates that Hubby loves for me to have - and that I enjoy too - if I'm all bruised up). And I accept the limitation of my outside submission.
I accept that I cannot spend the whole night out in a party-orgy.
I accept that there are only so many shoes and lingerie sets that I can fit in my closet/drawer.

Honestly, having learned more about myself in the last 5 years or so, and looking back at my past, I can say that I need a solid primary relationship to be able to express and explore my full range of sexual desires. I need to know that I have a safe place to go back, when I'm tired or when I'm hurt. Or just to enjoy some soul warming peace.

Having that safe haven, I am realizing, it allows me to experience and explore relationships that would be too unbalanced or unhealthy or extreme to be functional as primaries. I can risk a bit more, I can take some more chances because my Hubby will be always there to catch me when I fall.


Does anyone feel like they are completely free to express the full range of their sexuality? Is it a goal we should aspire to? Would you want to live in a world where everyone felt free to express themselves?

I still feel pretty much free. It is not my personality to shove sex in people's face. I still dress sexy when I feel like or flirt or even make double-meaning jokes. I keep mindful thou of not being actively offensive (cannot help with people that are offended just because).

I'm lucky that I live in a society that for all its rules on how you have be in regard of appearance, it leaves a lot of freedom to private life. As far as you don't goat or gloat or disrupt the quiet living and show up to work, do your duty in society, your private is your to handle as you see fit.

For the sake of the argument, though, why not join a nudist colony? And why do so many nudists seem asexual? I used to frequent a nude beach in California, and I loved the feel of the sun and the wind and the ocean on my skin. But because we were all naked, we kept our sexual energy at a minimum. Why? Social order? On a rocky, nearly secluded beach?

And, again for the sake of the argument . . . sex sells. As a highly sexual woman, why not find work in the sex industry? Or integrate your sexuality into a marketable service/product? Your sexuality is visibly sewn into the costumes you've created, and might make you some money if you made it more explicit. I'm not suggesting that you should, but . . . Why don't we decide to integrate work with our sexuality?

To me too nudity is not equal to sex.
Probably do to the fact that I grew up with nudity being pretty much not a big deal (family bathing is pretty normal in Japanese families and it is traditionally the father's job to bathe the kids of both sexes until the kids are old enough to do it themselves. And even then, if they wish, they continue sharing the bathtub.). A naked body is just the way a body is without clothing.

So just seeing a nude body, or exposed genitals does not make me aroused in the least.

As for integrating sexuality in our work, I've been actually thinking about it.
I'd make a very good "mama-san" or bar hostess I believe: I like to talk and listen to people, I like to make them feel good about themselves and I like to be flirty in a sexual way and with the way the system is, I would not even necessarily have to have sex with them (although I would be free to, if I wished). Or when I dwell on some more extreme thoughts, I wonder how it is to be a pro-sub ...

So what is stopping me from pursuing the above?
I already have a good job at the moment. And although it probably would not be too socially awkward to be in the first line of work, to be a pro-sub would be hard to mix with my life at the moment (let alone I'm probably too old for any of the agencies out there to hire me and far too riskier to do it free-lance)


So, if full integration is too much, how do you know when to turn it on and when to turn it off? Do you wait until it's deadened and repetitive? Do you ration it to make it last? Do you act purely on whim?

There are the obvious times when other things must be addressed. When peace and contentment and stability become the most desirable state.

But what gets you going again? An image? A smell? A chance encounter? An urge?

How do you decide whether to act or not?

For how much I enjoy sex, I can actually live without.

When we started out I was much more sexual than Hubby. And he was coming out of a totally sexually repressed marriage that had scarred him badly in his self confidence and ability to express his desires. I just accepted it and went with the flow.

I can think of long stretches of time when life was such that there was not much sex in my marriage, and it was before I went outside of it. I did not miss sex. I missed the intimacy because it was a rough time in our marriage, but not the sex itself.

And even now, there are times we go weeks without, do to other stressors in life. And I find myself realizing that "gee! I have not had an orgasm for weeks!" and sometime I decide that I should at least keep trained and I get my toys out.

I loved it when during the beginning of opening our marriage to other men, Hubby would fuck me every single morning and night. He was so aroused by the whole idea and the talk about me going out and fuck other men! It was a hot time indeed.

And then the novelty wore out and it got back to a calmer schedule. And it was not a problem for me (a bit more for him, it turned out).

When it comes to sex, I pretty much easily follow the lead of the man I'm with.

Why don't we express our deepest desires? When do we decide it's time to act?

I don't express my deepest desires until I'm ready to act on them. And I cannot act on them unless the conditions in my life are ripe for it. When I know that I could not act, desires are not even brought to light, nor verbalized nor even thought out. They are left simmering for the right time.


Maybe the answer is to arrive back on the couch watching t.v. It's what my husband wants me to do more than anything in the world right now.

I kind of want to ride the night wind off into the starry sky.

However, I think a lot of people are absolutely screaming for some "boring" in their life to prove to themselves they're at no risk of being boring.

Bored, to me is a state of mind. And a luxury.
There is so much to do, so much to read, so much to write, so many places to go, so much food to try, so much shopping to do, so many people to meet ... there is no time to be bored.

But doing nothing, watching mindless tv, crying watching a sad cartoon, walking mindlessly around the city. Or just sleep all day.
Ah ... how I wish for the luxury of boring times!
Even vanilla sex turns out to be a nice change of pace.
 
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Do you regret being unable to fully express yourself?

I've been the one to make the choices in my life. There are times, of course, that I wish I could make the entire world disappear, in order to fulfill the wants I have at any given moment. I'm unable to do so. I also like reality enough to not truly want to express myself whenever the urge strikes. I tend to make comments, quip one-liners, drop heavy loaded innuendo around the people who know me when I've reached a frustration level that demands an expression and outlet. While it would be great to drop everything the moment I feel a need for expression, it's certainly not an ideal I would want. Then again, I enjoy the build-up to play time almost as much as the play time itself. I like the opportunity to play word- and mind-games. It's a way for me to allow the knowledge of what I want to be out there, without encroaching on another persons comfort zone.

What compromises are you comfortable with? Why?

In order for any compromise to work, there has to be a level of comfort. For example, I have a child. I have to make compromises around my sexuality in order to care for her. I'm quite comfortable with that. I'm more than willing to, and quite happy to, be mommy for the hours of the day that she's awake and not in school. In turn, I know that I have all day, and the hours of the night that she's sleeping, to let the more wanton side of myself out. Since there is a need to repress my highly tactile self, the times she gets to come out and play are magnified. It works out well for me, in the long run. Not only do I get to be a somewhat productive person at home and work, my orgasmic response is stronger from hours and hours of being under lock and key.

Does anyone feel like they are completely free to express the full range of their sexuality?

Within the working confines of my relationship, I think I'm utterly free to express my sexuality, in all of its multitudes of wants/needs/desires. I have to be, since we just feed off of each other. While acting on my sexuality isn't always prudent at any given moment, I can always tell him what I want/what I'm thinking. The aural build-up only serves to add to the physical stimulation to come later, whenever later proves to be.

Is it a goal we should aspire to?

The best thing, in my opinion, is that each of us aspires to a personal goal. It's really a matter of what works best for the generic you. My sexuality isn't the same as anyone else here. While certain parts of it may be, the core of my sexuality, and my personality, demands something different from other people. I do wish that there was a level of openness among people as a whole, as far as sexuality goes. Sex isn't something that's discussed openly, be it with peer groups, or with our children. Again, just my opinion, but there would be far less hang-ups about sex if it was discussed, and shown to be a natural thing to derive pleasure from. (This is something I could rant for pages and pages about!)



Would you want to live in a world where everyone felt free to express themselves?

Eh....for the most part. It goes back to hang-ups. In 'normal' situations, yes. I'd love for more people to free free to express themselves. (Normal in quotes, because there are certain things I don't find normal. Bestiality and pedophilia...very not normal). One needs to act within the boundaries of other people, though. Example: I say I have a rape fantasy. It's a very specific fantasy, though. I wouldn't want just any person to act on it. It's an absolute that it MUST be within my relationship, that Simon is the only one touching me, that he doesn't violate my hard limits. I would definitely not be okay with someone else wanting to act on a fantasy to rape me. (Easiest example I could think of). Now it's time to circle back to goal aspiration. If sexuality weren't something that humans were so reluctant to discuss, there would be a greater freedom of erotic expression. So, ideally, yes, it would be great to live in that sort of world. Realistically, not so much, since everyone expresses their needs/wants/desires in a different way.
 
How do life's obligations and responsibilities hamper the full and free expression of your sexuality?

Not enough hours in the day? LOL

I tend to compartmentalize my life - there's CM the mom (every other weekend, as they kids live with their dad), CM the employee, CM the Lover (I feel waaaay too old to call myself a girlfirend), CM the friend, CM the responsible person, CM the kinky person... for example, the mom CM does not intersect with the relationship CM. I've been dating someone for a few months, and just last weekend explained to my ex-husband that I'd appreciate it if he could be a little more respectful of my time re: picking kids up, because on kid weekends I do schedule dates for Sunday night [to not take time away from them]. He had no clue I'd even ended a LDR last spring; the children still don't know their mom has a social life because when I'm with them, I'm with them.

Do you regret being unable to fully express yourself?

Yes and no.

What compromises are you comfortable with? Why?

Right now, I've chosen to compromise most of my kinks. to an extent, I'm burned out. Licking a few wounds. What I *want* isn't exactly obtainable; the chickenchit side of me decided this was easier [for now]...

Does anyone feel like they are completely free to express the full range of their sexuality?

I'm perfectly free to express it... as long as I'm willing to deal with the consequences.

Is it a goal we should aspire to?

I aspire to be true to myself - including my sexuality. I don't shout it from the rooftops, but I accept it. To an extent I incorporate it [my sexuality] in my everyday life. I am the Madonna/Whore, the Ice Princess/Fuck Toy - and I'm okay with that. (The trick seems to be finding someone who is, as well. LOL) It makes me no more or less responsible, socially acceptable, employable, mothering, or anything else. It's just part of me being me.


Would you want to live in a world where everyone felt free to express themselves?


Yes... with the caveat that feeling free to express oneself does not obligate those around us to support said expression, nor grant us freedom from the consequences of said expression.

A
And, again for the sake of the argument . . . sex sells. As a highly sexual woman, why not find work in the sex industry? Or integrate your sexuality into a marketable service/product? Your sexuality is visibly sewn into the costumes you've created, and might make you some money if you made it more explicit. I'm not suggesting that you should, but . . . Why don't we decide to integrate work with our sexuality?

To an extent... I do. Part of my profession (IMO) is helping women see themselves as beautiful, sensual, empowered, desirable people. To let go of body image issues. To let go of the stereotypes. I joke and tease and flash glimpses of my lingerie... It's nearly impossible to spend time with me and not catch bits and pieces of my sexuality, because even when I try to hide it, it peeks through. So in that sense, yes my sexuality is incorporated into the work I do.
 
There are no limits to my imagination, no limits to my mind, so I use it to compromise for the social limits that I must abide by. No children to be responsible for, but I do have a business reputation that I feel should always be kept up to stellar standards. I guess stellular is not a word.

Anyways... I accept the fact that expressing my full sexuality whenever I wanted to...completely... would probably destroy me. But I gave it one hell of a try in my teens and 20's!

I do however regret not having had the responsibilities of being a mother.
 
Would you want to live in a world where everyone felt free to express themselves?

Generally yes, within limits.
Particularly, there is that little voice in me saying "no, I want *them* to suffer". I am very bad kind of sadist sometimes :/
 
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