single submission

[kitten_candy]

i noticed the long distance domination support thread and it got me to thinking.

i'm wondering how many single submissives (or for that matter single PYL's)
are out there?

how do you stay in that mind-set? is being submissive who you are or something you do? if there's no one to submit to -- are you submissive?

how do you scratch that D/s (or that S/m) itch when there's no one to scratch you?

 

[CutieMouse]

i noticed the long distance domination support thread and it got me to thinking.

i'm wondering how many single submissives (or for that matter single PYL's)
are out there?

Think of the number of single people compared to partnered (married/whatever) people in the world, in general. Extrapolate the numbers, adjust for a smaller pool of potential mates (due to "interesting" needs/wants/desires)... and yes, I feel safe presuming there are quite a few single/non-partnered PYLs/pyls out there.

how do you stay in that mind-set? is being submissive who you are or something you do? if there's no one to submit to -- are you submissive?

If a PYL/pyl falls in the woods...

how do you scratch that D/s (or that S/m) itch when there's no one to scratch you?

Some people deal with it through online interaction with others (message boards/cyber/etc), some may occasionally see a pro, some get active in the local community to change their single status, some do what a lot of people do between relationships - bury themselves in work/family/school/hobbies. Relationships are relationships... or not, as the case may be.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Relationships are relationships... or not, as the case may be.

What she said. Put it this way, is a lesbian still lesbian if she's single?

Yes.

It's about you and your sexuality, not about who's available to interact with.

 

[LovingDom86]

is being submissive who you are or something you do? if there's no one to submit to -- are you submissive?

Forgive me if I put a Dom's spin on the topic, but it is absolutely something I am, not something I do. I cannot say the same for submission, as I would be open to the idea that the true depth of it is only (or best) realized in a relationship where it is able to be expressed and manifest. Personally, I would have great trouble conditioning my role as a Dom on the availability of a compatible partner. I am me, single, married, anything in between.

 

[kitten_candy]

What she said. Put it this way, is a lesbian still lesbian if she's single?

Yes.

It's about you and your sexuality, not about who's available to interact with.

agreed. i was just starting the conversation. wondering what others thought.

submission isn't a role i try on at different times. but i will admit, in single-hood, it takes a little more effort for me to keep the submissive spirit alive.

one of the issues i've been thinking a lot about is play.

i've become part of the local "community" in the last 6 months. when i started attending munches/events, i was partnered. my feelings have always been that i'd play/scene in a committed relationship. the D/s part has always been important in play. and the play has always been foreplay.

now, however, i have a yen for something. that committed thing doesn't seem to be on the horizon. i'm not interested in sex (well. that's a lie but not casual sex). i'm more interested in -- gettin' my ass spanked or something to that effect.

i'm just rambling. figuring things out.

 

[kitten_candy]

What she said. Put it this way, is a lesbian still lesbian if she's single?

Yes.

It's about you and your sexuality, not about who's available to interact with.

i agree with this. tell me though, how you express that submission when you're not in a long term relationship? or do you express it?

for me.. it's the way i interact with others.

Forgive me if I put a Dom's spin on the topic, but it is absolutely something I am, not something I do. I cannot say the same for submission, as I would be open to the idea that the true depth of it is only (or best) realized in a relationship where it is able to be expressed and manifest. Personally, I would have great trouble conditioning my role as a Dom on the availability of a compatible partner. I am me, single, married, anything in between.

are you in a relationship now?

i agree that it's not a role you take on & off.

but your comment: the true depth of it is only (or best) realized in a relationship where it is able to be expressed and manifest leads me to wonder how you express or manifest it if you are not in a relationship?

 

[LovingDom86]

are you in a relationship now?

i agree that it's not a role you take on & off.

but your comment: the true depth of it is only (or best) realized in a relationship where it is able to be expressed and manifest leads me to wonder how you express or manifest it if you are not in a relationship?

No, and you don't Or at least I don't see how one could by oneself; that's more the personal construction and self-realization. Very much like Velvet's lesbian analogy, the core, inner values and lifestyle comes from within the individual; of course the beauty of it is expressing, exploring, and sharing that with another. But no, I'm not sure it can be expressed or manifest on one's own.

 

[DiscusDave]

... leads me to wonder how you express or manifest it if you are not in a relationship?

I think that definitely is different for every person. Cutie Mouse came up with some good examples of things to do besides express these interests....

some do what a lot of people do between relationships - bury themselves in work/family/school/hobbies. Relationships are relationships... or not, as the case may be.

Or the online/cybering idea is one way to fulfill that person's D/s side. What really comes to mind for me is (if the person has friends in the community too) live vicariously through them. Really terrible image, but imagine sitcom style characters getting all excited when talking to a friend over coffee, saying "Oh my God! How was last night??!! Ooooo, I want details!" ... but in a less hokey and awkward way (unless you're into that too).

Some ways to fill that submissive itch without "playing", take on some tasks that have deadlines or have certain requirements that need to be met in exact ways. Hire a tutor or take lessons for an instrument and find an instructor that's fairly strict (i.e. requiring a certain amount of practice time each day). Join a club that has regularly scheduled meetings that are mandatory. Join a gym and hire a personal trainer to tell you what to do during your exercises. Any daily activity that involves someone guiding your actions could help.

Some ways to fill the Dominant itch, could be the opposites of many of the aforementioned things. Tutor someone or offer lessons for some skill you have. Hire a maid or cleaning person for you home and lay out specific tasks that need to be done. NOTE= I'm not saying involve this person in an unwilling relationship involving their submission, but just to have someone doing certain tasks you set out. Start a club or organization, or coach a sport. Run for a local political office (i.e. trustee/mayor). These aren't sure fire things, but little ideas to help keep you in a position of power and really bring out the attributes of being in control.

Just some ideas....

 

[Netzach]

Some ways to fill the Dominant itch, could be the opposites of many of the aforementioned things. Tutor someone or offer lessons for some skill you have. Hire a maid or cleaning person for you home and lay out specific tasks that need to be done. NOTE= I'm not saying involve this person in an unwilling relationship involving their submission, but just to have someone doing certain tasks you set out. Start a club or organization, or coach a sport. Run for a local political office (i.e. trustee/mayor). These aren't sure fire things, but little ideas to help keep you in a position of power and really bring out the attributes of being in control.

I find the latter completely inorganic to my personality even if they mesh well with a lot of people fantasies about what I should like. In fact I wasted precious years of youth trying to follow advice on how to be a Domme when I already was one.

I spent time being 25 and figuring me out and the right submissives showed up. I love M to death, but I miss the flexibility and me-focus of single life.

Enjoy just knowing who you are and learning more about her.

I'm very comfortable with casual play, myself though, and had no interest in abandoning it till Ms/Mr right showed up.

The fact is, being in control of someone I haven't set out a D/s map with is my idea of a sexual cold shower.

I also like yoga to kick my ass.

 

[Betticus]

Well, the single part sucks. I used to self medicate with liquor but can't do that anymore so now I just try to dom my houseplants and the cat. I'm sure it's working at some level.

Long distance cyber really doesn't do anything to satisfy any itches but apparently it works for others.

 

[kitten_candy]

i appreciate all the comments.

the casual play is looming before me. without a lot of tiresome angst (LOL at me-focus.. yeah, there's a lot of that going on) i need to figure out where my compass is on that. fun could be just that.

my last relationship led me down a serious maso path i didn't know i had. i like the gym/yoga idea. feel the burn that way.

i do miss the D/s dynamic though.

 

[DiscusDave]

I find the latter completely inorganic to my personality even if they mesh well with a lot of people fantasies about what I should like. In fact I wasted precious years of youth trying to follow advice on how to be a Domme when I already was one.

These were only suggestions of alternative methods of acting out some desires.

I spent time being 25 and figuring me out and the right submissives showed up. I love M to death, but I miss the flexibility and me-focus of single life.

Enjoy just knowing who you are and learning more about her.

I think you have this right on the money, though. I think of being single in a similar sense to masturbation. It takes a lot of self exploration and is meant for finding out about yourself and loving yourself. But...

i do miss the D/s dynamic though.

if you truly do miss it, IMO don't throw away any opportunities (other people/possible relationships) that present themselves. I'm not saying skip the single life or not utilize it to its full potential.... just enjoy it while it lasts and if you want a relationship again sometime soon, hope/work for the best.

Either way... try and have a little fun.

 

[kitten_candy]

<snip> if you truly do miss it, IMO don't throw away any opportunities (other people/possible relationships) that present themselves. I'm not saying skip the single life or not utilize it to its full potential.... just enjoy it while it lasts and if you want a relationship again sometime soon, hope/work for the best.

Either way... try and have a little fun.

i am having lots of fun!

as much as i'd like "that" relationship, this is a me-focus opportunity to do lots of stuff i might not be doing otherwise.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

tell me though, how you express that submission when you're not in a long term relationship? or do you express it?

for me.. it's the way i interact with others.

I have to say that I personally don't get this. While I'm by no means an alpha personality in any sense, I don't act submissively to others when I'm single, just because I don't have a partner to serve. If that's what you mean here, it's not something I can relate to. I submit to a partner or I don't submit at all. The idea of using other people as surrogates seems odd to me and would put me at a disadvantage in other relationships, because those people would not be a benevolently dominant partner who wanted me to grow and become fulfilled in my submission.

I hope I'm making sense here. Apologies if I've misunderstood what you meant.

When I was single I chatted here on the boards and other sites. Just being involved in an online community made me feel less alone in my frustration. I write kinky stories on SRPs but I've never got into cybering. It's too much effort trying to hook up with someone halfway literate and then getting horny typing just to masturbate afterwards. I'm perfectly capable of conjuring my own fantasies so it's a long winded route to something I can get just by snuggling under the duvet and closing my eyes.

I don't feel I need to reaffirm my submissiveness if I'm single. It's not something I'm likely to forget or outgrow. I appreciate that I'm not being terribly helpful here but given that anything you do solo will be a pale imitation of actually serving a PYL, wouldn't your energy be better expended in seeking one?

 

[kitten_candy]

I have to say that I personally don't get this. While I'm by no means an alpha personality in any sense, I don't act submissively to others when I'm single, just because I don't have a partner to serve. If that's what you mean here, it's not something I can relate to. I submit to a partner or I don't submit at all. The idea of using other people as surrogates seems odd to me and would put me at a disadvantage in other relationships, because those people would not be a benevolently dominant partner who wanted me to grow and become fulfilled in my submission.

I hope I'm making sense here. Apologies if I've misunderstood what you meant.

When I was single I chatted here on the boards and other sites. Just being involved in an online community made me feel less alone in my frustration. I write kinky stories on SRPs but I've never got into cybering. It's too much effort trying to hook up with someone halfway literate and then getting horny typing just to masturbate afterwards. I'm perfectly capable of conjuring my own fantasies so it's a long winded route to something I can get just by snuggling under the duvet and closing my eyes.

I don't feel I need to reaffirm my submissiveness if I'm single. It's not something I'm likely to forget or outgrow. I appreciate that I'm not being terribly helpful here but given that anything you do solo will be a pale imitation of actually serving a PYL, wouldn't your energy be better expended in seeking one?

i appreciate what you're saying and i've gone back and forth with the whole sub is who i am not what i do.

i think - for me - it's as simple as saying that part of understanding MY subbie stuff is being aware of the things i equate with said stuff: being more thoughtful, caring, more in service if you will. a little more girly girl and joyful.

i'm not talking about serving a PYL. i'm talking about carrying those things i define as being submissive (for me) in to all aspects of my life.

in my past, (pre-D/s) i'd like to think i was all those things. but i wasn't always. wasn't always aware, maybe.

yeah yeah - am probably being a little too dramatic. perhaps i'm making too much of it.

just asking the question. it's been a pleasure reading other perspectives.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

i appreciate what you're saying and i've gone back and forth with the whole sub is who i am not what i do.

i think - for me - it's as simple as saying that part of understanding MY subbie stuff is being aware of the things i equate with said stuff: being more thoughtful, caring, more in service if you will. a little more girly girl and joyful.

i'm not talking about serving a PYL. i'm talking about carrying those things i define as being submissive (for me) in to all aspects of my life.

in my past, (pre-D/s) i'd like to think i was all those things. but i wasn't always. wasn't always aware, maybe.

yeah yeah - am probably being a little too dramatic. perhaps i'm making too much of it.

just asking the question. it's been a pleasure reading other perspectives.

If that works for you, then that's great. I've never viewed submission as a part of my internal moral compass before but it's an interesting concept. I agree that submission is highly vocational, with a lot of self sacrifice and that can reasonably be transferred to other situations. So long as you're not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by others, it's a very admirable idea.

I'm afraid I've never been a girly girl. I have a pathological aversion to pink and lilac. I'm a kind of emo/vegan hippy hybrid.

I just gave in to peer pressure and got my first pair of hair straighteners at the age of 29! If that doesn't say it all, I don't know what does. I still always miss a section of hair somewhere around the back too.

 

[ZRT]

I'm a dom and a naturally dominant kind of guy. I can accept leadership from others, but I only really do so if I respect the knowledge and integrity of the person I'm following, and long-term I always have to get back out into a situation where I chart my own path.

On the other hand, I don't really look for leadership roles. Mentoring, sure, but leadership is irksome to me because of the combination of responsibility and inability to just properly bend people to fit the situation. My most preferred life situation is free agent/mentor, because long-term leadership positions frustrate me with my inability to just spank bitches into line.

As a dom, I assert more complete control. I'll take a wench's tastes, preferences, and boundaries into account, but when I make my call it's final with no 'I don't wanna' allowed. Being a dom in a relationship is in many ways a pressure release for me, because it lets me assert control without the political bullshit one runs into in the larger world.

As for the online thing, it's a way of tossing the beasty within a bone, but isn't as fulfilling as the real deal.

 

[DiscusDave]

i am having lots of fun!

Glad to hear it.


It's really neat to see everyone's take on this. I personally feel that even if submission or Dominance is part of who you are as a person (i.e. a set of attributes that fit your lifestyle choices, your interests, and what you enjoy), these are built around social interactions. As such, to put submission or Dominance into action the interaction side has to come out and there be another person involved. IMO

But it's just really neat to see all the different opinions on this. Just shows how much this means to everyone.

 

[kitten_candy]

Glad to hear it.


It's really neat to see everyone's take on this. I personally feel that even if submission or Dominance is part of who you are as a person (i.e. a set of attributes that fit your lifestyle choices, your interests, and what you enjoy), these are built around social interactions. As such, to put submission or Dominance into action the interaction side has to come out and there be another person involved. IMO

But it's just really neat to see all the different opinions on this. Just shows how much this means to everyone.

i like a Dom who says "really neat."

 

[Citra]

i noticed the long distance domination support thread and it got me to thinking.

i'm wondering how many single submissives (or for that matter single PYL's)
are out there?

how do you stay in that mind-set? is being submissive who you are or something you do? if there's no one to submit to -- are you submissive?

how do you scratch that D/s (or that S/m) itch when there's no one to scratch you?

Funny you bring that up since I love being Dom but mostly find myself either single or in a vanilla relationship it makes me offen think about what am I doing.

 

[kitten_candy]

Funny you bring that up since I love being Dom but mostly find myself either single or in a vanilla relationship it makes me offen think about what am I doing.

why do you think that is?

i've recently (about 6 months ago) started going to local stuff in order to be around more kink friendly folks. it's been a blast getting to know a new set of friends. i've been fortunate to meet a group of women who have become really good friends.

men though? not so much.

 

[DiscusDave]

<snip> i've been fortunate to meet a group of women who have become really good friends.

men though? not so much.

Well if the film "When Harry Met Sally" taught us anything its that men and women can't be friends because the sex would always gets in the way. But if we took every film seriously...

i like a Dom who says "really neat."

Well shucks.... it ain't the only thing I can say

 

[Citra]

why do you think that is?

i've recently (about 6 months ago) started going to local stuff in order to be around more kink friendly folks. it's been a blast getting to know a new set of friends. i've been fortunate to meet a group of women who have become really good friends.

men though? not so much.

Most women I have met dont understand D/s and the women I have met that do, are taken.

So that doesnt leave me much to go from. Also living in a smaller town, have to becareful as to whom I share that with.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm very comfortable with casual play, myself though, and had no interest in abandoning it till Ms/Mr right showed up.

The fact is, being in control of someone I haven't set out a D/s map with is my idea of a sexual cold shower.

I also like yoga to kick my ass.

When I first started into the dark side it was with friends and friends of friends. Some times I had met the person for all of 5 minutes before I was in the back room with my hands tied to a ceiling post being caned. I enjoyed it. I was able to explore and grow and learn things about myself with out having to cater to one person and adjust myself to their wants and needs.

Sure I enjoy the depth of a relationship, but some times being beaten by random people has a certain apeal to it.

 

[DiscusDave]

Some times I had met the person for all of 5 minutes before I was in the back room with my hands tied to a ceiling post being caned.

Ah... it's the simple things in life that make it sweet.