Sincere questions about exploring my submissive side...
- Thread starter ~Haze~
- Start date
~Haze~
I'm in relatively the same boat. I've tried to do serious "research" that's not based on fantasy information, but something tangible I can seek out answers from. I've finally just admitted to myself which side of the fence I'm on and some of the things I'm curious to try. I'm in Michigan and really have no clue where to begin, although I'm guessing there are places locally that I don't know about. I'm too timid to bring this up to anyone who knows me because I know I'd be judged (or at least viewed in a different light).
I feel this is something that's missing in my life, but I want to find the right & safe way to go about this. I'll take any help I can get. I've avoided dating because I know that "vanilla" just won't cut it.
Anyway, I do hope that your thread is successful in gaining some wisdom. I've seen some different users that have been helpful and honest in the past. Good luck
I'm in relatively the same boat. I've tried to do serious "research" that's not based on fantasy information, but something tangible I can seek out answers from. I've finally just admitted to myself which side of the fence I'm on and some of the things I'm curious to try. I'm in Michigan and really have no clue where to begin, although I'm guessing there are places locally that I don't know about. I'm too timid to bring this up to anyone who knows me because I know I'd be judged (or at least viewed in a different light).
I feel this is something that's missing in my life, but I want to find the right & safe way to go about this. I'll take any help I can get. I've avoided dating because I know that "vanilla" just won't cut it.
Anyway, I do hope that your thread is successful in gaining some wisdom. I've seen some different users that have been helpful and honest in the past. Good luck
CutieMouse
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This post by Evil_Geoff should contain links for finding local BDSM organizations/clubs/munches*.
There are various BDSM based personals sites, although there are pros/cons to going that route. (alt.com, collarme.com, Lit's BDSM Personals forum, etc)
I'm sure others will be along with advice shortly.
*munch - a social gathering of kink-friendly people, usually in a local restaurant. No fetish clothing, no outward/overt signs of BDSM - just a bunch of people getting together to hang out.
There are various BDSM based personals sites, although there are pros/cons to going that route. (alt.com, collarme.com, Lit's BDSM Personals forum, etc)
I'm sure others will be along with advice shortly.
*munch - a social gathering of kink-friendly people, usually in a local restaurant. No fetish clothing, no outward/overt signs of BDSM - just a bunch of people getting together to hang out.
ZoeBird
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I am also in a similar situation I think. I'm a young (late-twenties) mom in a very small, conservative town. The only friends I've made are other moms through the local elementary school where all our kids go. I don't have much in common with anyone and don't even enjoy hanging out with them much to be honest, but I guess it's better than having no friends at all. It's not like I can ask anyone questions about this topic or share my own experiences with anyone.
I have always had submissive fantasies. Like where I am not in control of the situation, so I don't have to feel the "guilt" of being slutty but where I get to live out really wild sexual fantasies.
I am lucky that I have a very open minded and sexually adventerous husband. But I would love to be able to meet other couples who are into this lifestyle, and maybe even experience bringing others into the bedroom. Where I live, I don't think this is even a remote possibility though...
I have always had submissive fantasies. Like where I am not in control of the situation, so I don't have to feel the "guilt" of being slutty but where I get to live out really wild sexual fantasies.
I am lucky that I have a very open minded and sexually adventerous husband. But I would love to be able to meet other couples who are into this lifestyle, and maybe even experience bringing others into the bedroom. Where I live, I don't think this is even a remote possibility though...
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SlaveNano
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Have you considered visiting a pro-domme? It would be a way of testing if you really were wired to be submissive without too much emotional committment. Also, a skilled and experienced pro-domme would be understanding of it being your first experience. You would be able to explore some of some of the possibilities with an experienced and supportive person. It depends if you want to try the experience or are looking for a 24/7 relationship of a submissive kind. They are quite different things I think.
SpiceIsNice
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It sounds like we are in like we are in a very similar situation. I am just out of college so that is a little different but as far as meeting people, Im wondering how that will work just like you. My plan is just to try the vanilla dating scene and be honest about what I want and see where that takes me. We will see how that goes. SlaveNano does bring up an interesting concept though. What is a safe way to go about getting in touch with a pro-domme. Im sure these resources are out there, I am just new to all this.
SweetErika
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I'd go the munch/local group route (google 'your_state/city bdsm munch'). And if you're serious, willing to learn and respectful, you should find plenty of people in your local community who are generous with their time and knowledge. I've yet to meet anyone in my community who isn't more than happy to share what they know, show off their toys, etc., and while there are some people I prefer to stay away from, most are incredibly nice, genuine and helpful.
Harmony_1985
Sir's little slut
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The local munch got me in on the scene. i'm a total newbie, and the organiser is taking me under His wing to help me learn, which is wonderful, but you find lots of experienced people who are more than willing to help you learn if you're receptive enough.
"I'd go the munch/local group route (google 'your_state/city bdsm munch'). "
I've thought of that and gotten some site locators for my area (thank you, Sir Evil_Geoff) , but how do I know which ones to trust ahead of time? Maybe I'm paranoid that there's a trap out there instead of the type of people I'd like to meet. Is it really just as simple as you stated above? I just tried it and got the Michigan Sex Offenders list...kinda what I'm afraid of
I've thought of that and gotten some site locators for my area (thank you, Sir Evil_Geoff) , but how do I know which ones to trust ahead of time? Maybe I'm paranoid that there's a trap out there instead of the type of people I'd like to meet. Is it really just as simple as you stated above? I just tried it and got the Michigan Sex Offenders list...kinda what I'm afraid of
:caning:
I'd seriously consider a pro-Domme or Dom at this point in my life (the Domme is a sorta one fantasy and the Dom another). I feel as if I've wasted so much time already. Frustration is no good unless I'm ordered. :caning:
I'd seriously consider a pro-Domme or Dom at this point in my life (the Domme is a sorta one fantasy and the Dom another). I feel as if I've wasted so much time already. Frustration is no good unless I'm ordered. :caning:
CutieMouse
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"I'd go the munch/local group route (google 'your_state/city bdsm munch'). "
I've thought of that and gotten some site locators for my area (thank you, Sir Evil_Geoff) , but how do I know which ones to trust ahead of time? Maybe I'm paranoid that there's a trap out there instead of the type of people I'd like to meet. Is it really just as simple as you stated above? I just tried it and got the Michigan Sex Offenders list...kinda what I'm afraid of
IMO you're being mildly paranoid. Breathe - we're all actually quite normal people. Really.
Local organizations should have a contact email or something. Email them. Find out the location/date of the munch. Ask them if the group has space reserved, or if it's a simple show up sort of thing. Ask how long they've been meeting at that location. Call the restaurant and ask if they have set reservations for XYZ organization, and what date it's booked. Organization's information matches public restaurant's information - you have now reasonably confirmed you are not about to be sold into white slavery, and there really is a real BDSM munch happening. You may also discover that members of the group are likely to tip you off to overly creepy sorts within the group.
For example, the Dallas munch has an email sign up list, and has been meeting at the same restaurant for years now. They have a basic web page stating the date/time/location of their munches, how to dress (casual), how to behave in public (please don't disrespect the rest of the patrons by showing up in full leather/drag/whips & chains), and some sort of FAQ thingie. (I think; it's been ages since I looked at their site.)
I went a time or two, and ya know what? Totally normal, everyday, no one would know it was a hundred or so kinky people hanging out chit chatting and having dinner at a local BBQ place. They have meet 'n greet hostess/host types at the sign in/name badge table - let them know you're new and nervous and they'll find someone to introduce you around and help you feel comfortable. About 9:30 people did line up to get discount tickets to the local BDSM club/dungeon, and I was invited, but that's not my thing so I politely declined and no one pushed. When I was ready to leave, someone even offered to have their partner (submissive male - big guy) walk me to my car so I'd not have to go out in a dark parking lot unescorted (again - thank you so very much, but it's well lit; I'll be fine). Actually, if I remember correctly, people kept assuming I was a Domme... sigh.
kitten_candy
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I started exploring online. I was all sub frenzied my first few times i ran in to anyone remotely acting Dom-like. I'm embarrassed to admit I acted like a complete newbie idiot but... live and learn.
I was fortunate to connect with someone online who was truthful about who he was. We eventually met several times in real life and it was sort of a mentor/student relationship which was perfect for my first time out.
Many people "don't get" the online D/s thing. Now - 4 + years later (still relatively new but... at least I know what to expect) - I'm not sure I could continue online but it was a great place to start. I took my little tasks seriously and it was a great introduction to what D/s looked like.
Once I felt like I had some knowledge in my grasp, I've been to some local groups. As Cutie Mouse said, they've been around for years and they look like any vanilla group meeting for dinner. If you live in a bigger city, it's a great place to meet friends who think like you do!!
I've used a couple alternative dating sites and had good luck! I met my last Dom there - we spent 2 years together. (sadly, it ended... but... it was a wonderful relationship)
Keep looking! Keep your wits about you. Keep asking questions. And enjoy the ride.
I was fortunate to connect with someone online who was truthful about who he was. We eventually met several times in real life and it was sort of a mentor/student relationship which was perfect for my first time out.
Many people "don't get" the online D/s thing. Now - 4 + years later (still relatively new but... at least I know what to expect) - I'm not sure I could continue online but it was a great place to start. I took my little tasks seriously and it was a great introduction to what D/s looked like.
Once I felt like I had some knowledge in my grasp, I've been to some local groups. As Cutie Mouse said, they've been around for years and they look like any vanilla group meeting for dinner. If you live in a bigger city, it's a great place to meet friends who think like you do!!
I've used a couple alternative dating sites and had good luck! I met my last Dom there - we spent 2 years together. (sadly, it ended... but... it was a wonderful relationship)
Keep looking! Keep your wits about you. Keep asking questions. And enjoy the ride.
Kikori
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Well, I'm a guy, so apparently my two cents will be welcome.
The majority of my experiences have been with talking online. I've talked to truly dominant people, people who think they're dominant, and submissives. Oddly, there hasn't been a single person faking submission.
Anyway. Many submissives have common ideas of what makes a good domme: never hurt out of anger, know the limits, everything you'd expect. The exact same applies for the male submissives. They love knowing their pleasure and sometimes physical health is in the hands of their partner, meaning the trust involved adds to the connection between the two. Outside of their fantasies and bondage lives, they're very fun and normal friends. I wouldn't be their friends if they weren't nice... I've actually come to conclude that almost anybody who makes a respectable dom or sub will make a very good friend with their in-fantasy behavior rubbing off in their everyday one, particularly due to controlling how much they control. So I doubt meeting any professional Dom lady would result in some form of abuse or humiliation unless you made it clear that's what you wanted. A dom shouldn't, and probably wouldn't, want to scare you away or anything similar if she's good at her profession.
As for the restaurant meetings? Cutiemouse probably covers it very well, and my previous paragraph probably covers it. Good doms and subs aren't normally socially embarassing or mean (aside from exhibitionist acts now and then). I don't doubt that there are some not-so-good clubs or meeting groups out there, but I do doubt that there are no good ones near you. The worst you can do is go and find out that you hit a bad spot and try again elsewh... wait, no. The worst you can do is not try. A dom won't fall into your lap unless you try. It probably sounds mean, but unless you do eventually approach a dom in some fashion, fantasies will stay fantasies.
That comment, if anything, is meant to encourage. I've hit both ends of the scale myself. I'm extremely submissive normally by nature, but when paired with any submissive, I seem to become dominant due to my will to please. One user here has actually met me and seen it and felt firsthand. Regardless of what actually happened, though, and how few times we do delve into anything sexual while she's here, we're friends. Good ones, too. Gotta go to work now. >< There was supposed to be more to this.
EDIT: Ooh, no new posts. Anyway. That's one of quite a few examples people can probably provide you of a dom's or sub's friendliness outside of their sexual fantasies. Again, like with the clubs and groups, part of it is finding someone sincere about it rather than over-the-top. Don't let the nervousness of failure or disappointment keep you from trying if there's not much to be lost. You'll either succeed or fail, and what will happen with each? Succeed, delve into the fantasy. Fail? Scoff at a few idiots who let you down and either try again, or be able to say you tried. I say, go for it.
The majority of my experiences have been with talking online. I've talked to truly dominant people, people who think they're dominant, and submissives. Oddly, there hasn't been a single person faking submission.
Anyway. Many submissives have common ideas of what makes a good domme: never hurt out of anger, know the limits, everything you'd expect. The exact same applies for the male submissives. They love knowing their pleasure and sometimes physical health is in the hands of their partner, meaning the trust involved adds to the connection between the two. Outside of their fantasies and bondage lives, they're very fun and normal friends. I wouldn't be their friends if they weren't nice... I've actually come to conclude that almost anybody who makes a respectable dom or sub will make a very good friend with their in-fantasy behavior rubbing off in their everyday one, particularly due to controlling how much they control. So I doubt meeting any professional Dom lady would result in some form of abuse or humiliation unless you made it clear that's what you wanted. A dom shouldn't, and probably wouldn't, want to scare you away or anything similar if she's good at her profession.
As for the restaurant meetings? Cutiemouse probably covers it very well, and my previous paragraph probably covers it. Good doms and subs aren't normally socially embarassing or mean (aside from exhibitionist acts now and then). I don't doubt that there are some not-so-good clubs or meeting groups out there, but I do doubt that there are no good ones near you. The worst you can do is go and find out that you hit a bad spot and try again elsewh... wait, no. The worst you can do is not try. A dom won't fall into your lap unless you try. It probably sounds mean, but unless you do eventually approach a dom in some fashion, fantasies will stay fantasies.
That comment, if anything, is meant to encourage. I've hit both ends of the scale myself. I'm extremely submissive normally by nature, but when paired with any submissive, I seem to become dominant due to my will to please. One user here has actually met me and seen it and felt firsthand. Regardless of what actually happened, though, and how few times we do delve into anything sexual while she's here, we're friends. Good ones, too. Gotta go to work now. >< There was supposed to be more to this.
EDIT: Ooh, no new posts. Anyway. That's one of quite a few examples people can probably provide you of a dom's or sub's friendliness outside of their sexual fantasies. Again, like with the clubs and groups, part of it is finding someone sincere about it rather than over-the-top. Don't let the nervousness of failure or disappointment keep you from trying if there's not much to be lost. You'll either succeed or fail, and what will happen with each? Succeed, delve into the fantasy. Fail? Scoff at a few idiots who let you down and either try again, or be able to say you tried. I say, go for it.
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IMO you're being mildly paranoid. Breathe - we're all actually quite normal people. Really.
Thanks for the encouragement! I know you're all normal--you can be open about what your desires are instead of putting up a front like most do. And I wouldn't dare show up in a public restaurant in anything but regular clothes--there have to have been a few who tried it for you to warn about it and that's just funny.
Guess I'll just have to consider taking the plunge like all of you suggest. It can't hurt worse than sitting back (unless I want it to).
Netzach
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A lot of men fail in trying to meet Dominant women because they're going on the assumption that there's something riding on the surface, that sexually Dominant women are also socially Dominant.
You're more likely to meet a submissive woman by making that assumption than not.
Sadly, the best way I've found, to meet compatible people, is to take the plunge and have the awkward conversations. There's not much time to waste in life on yet another relationship with no hope of real sexual compatibility. And while I may not love every single moment I've passed in the BDSM scene and in the professional Domme scene and every person I've met there, both taught me a lot of useful things and left me with a number of social contacts I treasure.
So maybe you put yourself out there and you're misunderstood. Maybe she has a laugh at your expense and you move on with life. Better than another decade vanilla with no outlet.
You're more likely to meet a submissive woman by making that assumption than not.
Sadly, the best way I've found, to meet compatible people, is to take the plunge and have the awkward conversations. There's not much time to waste in life on yet another relationship with no hope of real sexual compatibility. And while I may not love every single moment I've passed in the BDSM scene and in the professional Domme scene and every person I've met there, both taught me a lot of useful things and left me with a number of social contacts I treasure.
So maybe you put yourself out there and you're misunderstood. Maybe she has a laugh at your expense and you move on with life. Better than another decade vanilla with no outlet.
chelleb
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ToPleaseHim
RedVelvet IYKYK
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Also new to this...
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~Haze~
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I hope you don't mind that I snipped your post, but I want to point something out and only need the one line.
The quote speaks for itself and does a good job of illustrating out the different obstacles that men and women have to deal with.
Seducing a woman by being "dominant" is much easier. I think this is because it is a more traditional role for women and makes it a more acceptable fantasy to live out. It's much more difficult to meet the woman that I am thinking of.
I am not a shy person and have had this conversation. I am a very secure and confident man who does not get hung up on the... ":gasp: what ever will they think of me?" hesitations. To someone who does not have a tendency to entertain this lifestyle and these fantasies, the thought of being dominant is just too far left of reality for most people (oops, no, scratch that... for most women).
This thread was great and I got some great feedback - here and via PM - and I would like to thank everyone.
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BiBunny
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I don't think it's easier for women to be submissive. I think it's hard for everyone to find their niche--male, female, or TG, dominant, submissive, or switch.
Most people, period, are not dominant. We're really herd animals, and in a herd, it works better if most of us are submissive (or at least compliant) and one or two of us are dominant. Kind of a hard-wired genetic thing. Or, at least, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Most people, period, are not dominant. We're really herd animals, and in a herd, it works better if most of us are submissive (or at least compliant) and one or two of us are dominant. Kind of a hard-wired genetic thing. Or, at least, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
myinnerslut
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I don't think it's easier for women to be submissive. I think it's hard for everyone to find their niche--male, female, or TG, dominant, submissive, or switch.
Most people, period, are not dominant. We're really herd animals, and in a herd, it works better if most of us are submissive (or at least compliant) and one or two of us are dominant. Kind of a hard-wired genetic thing. Or, at least, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
hmmm, it would explain my two to one odds......
subwannabe
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I totally agree with Netzach.
I think most people are wanting a complete relationship with someone, not just a sexual relationship. Maybe when you're young all you want is a sexual relationship but what happens if you find that dom/sub sex only relationship and it lasts for quite a while and then you realize you want marriage, kids, a swing set in the back yard, and a dom/sub relationship? I wanted it all. You can't reach that place in your life where you want to date someone hoping for a LTR and then tell them, oh by the way, I have a dom. If you want a complete relationship I think the best way is to date and have those awkward conversations. If they run, they run. Eventually you will find what you want, unless you live in that small town atmosphere.
I think most people are wanting a complete relationship with someone, not just a sexual relationship. Maybe when you're young all you want is a sexual relationship but what happens if you find that dom/sub sex only relationship and it lasts for quite a while and then you realize you want marriage, kids, a swing set in the back yard, and a dom/sub relationship? I wanted it all. You can't reach that place in your life where you want to date someone hoping for a LTR and then tell them, oh by the way, I have a dom. If you want a complete relationship I think the best way is to date and have those awkward conversations. If they run, they run. Eventually you will find what you want, unless you live in that small town atmosphere.
