May I ask the switches here... ?

[VelvetDarkness]

I'm pinching this from ppaddleman's post in nickolette's thread.

Do you find that whether you top or bottom depends more on the mood you are in or the person you are with? What draws you to top or bottom another? Can you only top some people and only bottom others because that's how your personalities mesh?

 

[twysted73]

mmm...yes

It's the perfect P/pyl for the bipolar D/s players among us!

Yes, very mood-oriented. As much as I hate to admit it, I must be in the right mood to top if it's needed/requested. (As if there weren't enough challanges, eh?)

***Adendum:
But it's also person-oriented as well. As diamond mentioned, it's the person you're interracting with that helps with the compelling need to either Dominate or submit to. I don't submit often. Quite rare actually.
So if you're holding a leash on me, I must really like you despite any other signs you might misinterpret.

 

[Qualm]

Totally mood oriented for me. However, my mood can be influenced physically - the longer its been since I last got off, the more submissive I get. My partner knows I can be flipped to submissive by withholding sex and forbidding me from jerking off. Over the years though, she's been getting more and more submissive herself - which is ok by me as I seem to be getting more and more dominant as I've gotten older.

 

[BiBunny]

Yes, to both questions. If I'm around someone more submissive than I am, I tend to be dominant, and vice-versa. Because I am more dominant than most people I meet (including most "Dom/mes"), that usually ensures me a spot on the top most of the time. I actually prefer the bottom, however, if I'm totally honest with myself.

I also find that if I'm unhappy or frustrated, it makes me need to be submissive. I'm not sure which one causes the other, but that's the way it works. Dominant me is more influenced by moods like happiness or anger. No matter what kind of mood I'm in, though, a good Dom/me can make me want to bottom, and a good sub can make me want to top.

Errr, was that confusing enough?

 

[Netzach]

Person first - it's pretty much just one person.

Mood second - he's pretty much about as D as I am s. Which is - not very.

If' I'm totally honest, bottoming/submission remains a kind of self-centered detour for me. And that's about as much as I need of it.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Yes, to both questions. If I'm around someone more submissive than I am, I tend to be dominant, and vice-versa. Because I am more dominant than most people I meet (including most "Dom/mes"), that usually ensures me a spot on the top most of the time. I actually prefer the bottom, however, if I'm totally honest with myself.

I also find that if I'm unhappy or frustrated, it makes me need to be submissive. I'm not sure which one causes the other, but that's the way it works. Dominant me is more influenced by moods like happiness or anger. No matter what kind of mood I'm in, though, a good Dom/me can make me want to bottom, and a good sub can make me want to top.

Errr, was that confusing enough?

Aw honey, I'm touched that you took the time to answer the same question twice.

 

[Shankara20]

Can you only top some people and only bottom others because that's how your personalities mesh?

How our personalities mesh, what my mood is and how safe I feel. I very seldom bottom any longer, as a part of being a bit over-self-protective.

 

[sexycaz22]

Although I identify myself as a switch, at the moment I am a bottom, having had some experiences with a nice man. I do have a sub friend which I feel comfortable with, after meeting and chatting on the MSN and via texts, I was wanting to explore my Topping side with him, which should happen soon, hopefully.

While I might not be the best person to answer the question, however, I do think there have to be good trust and the comfortable of being in each other's presences which is very important. I don't know yet which side I identify more with, being a pyl or a PYL, but I certainly know that I am going to have some fun, finding out!

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Person first - it's pretty much just one person.

Mood second - he's pretty much about as D as I am s. Which is - not very.

If' I'm totally honest, bottoming/submission remains a kind of self-centered detour for me. And that's about as much as I need of it.

Well said - this is pretty close to my profile as well. I'm very much driven by the person I'm with, and tend to be sculpted around what they give off. But primarily I'm dominant with the occasional "self-centered detour," which is an excellent way to describe it.

I adore it when someone can genuinely figure me out enough to actually top me. Doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

bijou

 

[Byakuya]

for me, it's not really so much about being in different moods.. it has more to do with how horny I am.. normally I tend to take charge during sex.. she's not much into pain, but she submits when I take control.. I decide on the positions.. if she tries to move, I hold her down.. that sort of thing..

however, when I'm excessively horny I start entertaining submissive fantasies.. if I'm horny enough I'd do just about anything she wanted.. she wants to use a strap-on on me? great! she wants me to lick her asshole? awesome! she wants to tie me down and whip me? cool!

she doesn't normally take charge though, so often these fantasies don't become reality.. although she does sometimes crush my head between her thighs when I'm going down on her which is pleasantly painful..

 

[sweetness6280]

While obviously the inclination of the person I am with has something to do with it, it is mostly dependent upon my mood. There are some people I cannot top, because they are not inclined to be be in the sub position at all. The only problem I have is topping someone who has topped me/knows me well. I have certain triggers that will cause me to switch back into sub mode almost immediately. Which isn't really a bad thing.

 

[JamieB]

It sounds odd

It depends less on my mood than on the person. I originally became a Dom because I couldn't find anyone who could Top me the way I liked, and I thought I could do better. Turns out I like it a lot, so I've stuck with it mainly.

I'd switch, though, with a woman who had the right temperament, intelligence, and creativity.

J

 

[VelvetDarkness]

These are all very interesting responses. Thankyou people.

I've always slightly envied those who are multifaceted enough to enjoy switching. It's something that I simply don't have in me. Even Master admits to having a bit of a sub side but he enjoys being dominant far more and had no interest in finding a partner who could switch.

I can understand sweetness6280's comment about finding it hard to top someone who she has bottomed to. I would imagine it must be a little surreal to be able to change roles on a whim. If someone really knows how your sub side ticks, can you ever really top them or are you always at a slight disadvantage? Maybe disadvantage is the wrong word.

There must be people to whom a switch is always a bottom or always a top. Are those encounters (for want of a better word) more unadulterated than with partners for whom you have played both roles? Does the fact that you have switched with someone mean that there is always the unspoken feeling in the background that you could just as easily flip the other way? That the dynamic is more precarious because you switch roles regularly?

I'm probably talking out of my ass and almost certainly failing to make sense but these are things that I've wondered to myself about switches so while I've got a thread going I'm taking the opportunity to ask.

No offence meant to anyone by anything I say. Please don't think that I consider switching to be a less 'pure' form of BDSM or whatever the less enlightened around here say from time to time.

Once again, thanks in advance for your comments and for indulging my curiosity.

 

[BiBunny]

I've done both. Some people I only Top or bottom to. Some people I've done both with. I don't think there's a definite difference in the experiences either way, except the obvious "everyone is different" part.

I don't really have a problem Topping or bottoming with the same person because when my mind is set in one role or the other, it stays there. I'm not likely to be swayed into thinking, "Oh, I/he/she could take control away." The only time I ever find myself thinking along those lines as a bottom is with an ineffective Top. "Yeah, asshole, you keep doing that stupid shit, and I'll take that damn crop away from you and shove it down your fucking throat." That kinda thing.

 

[Netzach]

I would imagine it must be a little surreal to be able to change roles on a whim. If someone really knows how your sub side ticks, can you ever really top them or are you always at a slight disadvantage? Maybe disadvantage is the wrong word.

I get that, but it's not the case for me - the more intimacy I have with my Bull the more effective and the more exploratory our interaction whichever direction things happen to be pointing. It's not about advantages and upper hands in either direction, really. Which is particular to my play with him, but that's how it is. I never felt like I was getting things over on him by being in control of him, and I've always been really invested in his enjoyment - maybe this should have tipped me off that I was never really totally done with the idea of submitting to him as a possible outlet.

There's no real problem if the temptation to flip arises, though I don't think we're given to doing that mid-scene, simply because there's a level of simpatico where it doesn't really matter all that much at the end of the day.

This probably makes zero sense to anyone who's never been in a relationship of this nature, and I'm afraid I can't articulate it better. It's not that I don't take his authority seriously, nor that he doesn't take mine seriously - it's that the authority is secondary to the mere act of connection, so one week it may be him, the next it may be me. Usually we operate in phases, sometimes of very long duration. Things are in a weird flux right now and I think they're on the verge of flipping again - thoughts of being on top are permeating my brain, and I'm simply more of the instigator among us - so it will go how I want it. I never really found that background knowledge to be an obstacle to surrender, rather something which makes me feel secure enough to want to go there at all in the first place.

There must be people to whom a switch is always a bottom or always a top. Are those encounters (for want of a better word) more unadulterated than with partners for whom you have played both roles? Does the fact that you have switched with someone mean that there is always the unspoken feeling in the background that you could just as easily flip the other way? That the dynamic is more precarious because you switch roles regularly?

I'm probably talking out of my ass and almost certainly failing to make sense but these are things that I've wondered to myself about switches so while I've got a thread going I'm taking the opportunity to ask.

No offence meant to anyone by anything I say. Please don't think that I consider switching to be a less 'pure' form of BDSM or whatever the less enlightened around here say from time to time.

Once again, thanks in advance for your comments and for indulging my curiosity.

I don't think that my relationship with my husband (sub bottom) or my slave is at all less complicated than my relationship with my lover/top/bottom - the complications and quirks are just totally different ones, equally as compelling. They're just not people I recognize as Dominant or authority with me, and that's a great relief to both of them indeed, it's just not in the wiring and frankly I love them because they're who they are. I love my Bull for who he is, and who that is is also someone who has a quiet authority that I can accept as part of the package, as much as I accept his pleasing nature, his excitement at his surrender, his experience-junkie kinky explorer nature.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Its all you.

It completely depends on the person.

My mood will dictate if I will top or top from the bottom.

If a person is fumbley or unsure I will take over, but if a person can take MY attention, make me let go... that's when I can see submitting to that person.

I don't always meet the kind of people who can, so if a person is someone I want to conquer, I can make it all happen... and it is still all genuine but some people need someone else to make the first move, before they can unleash their feelings.

I met a guy recently at work who was so nice to me, helped me out with things, we'd go to dinner and sometimes out for drinks, He always respected me, never made a move.

He is probably one of the nicest guys I have met, and he is the kind of guy I couldn't ever see dominating me. He is so inheirently (sp?lol) submissive in nature, it is undeniable...

I don't even ask... he completely serves me with quiet and complete compliance, I haven't seen displayed,

He told me once he wants to try to "top" me, "dominate" me once type thing... or occsionally... but I don't see it.

I have anothe guy at my job who is a total "top" kindof sadistic, dark eyed domly type, and we all go out for drinks together...

Its funny to be out with two men who are ready to tear me apart just to each have something to hold on to, but they each have something diffrent they bring to the table, and one is not a subsitute for the other, but they are somehow equally tantilizing and worthy.

I am not so presumptuous to assume everyone is this way, but for me, I use what a person has and work with it, and develope it...

I don't count someone out if they aren't capable of satisfying EVER single fantasy I have...

After all... no one could.

But yeah.. It all depends on what I have to work with... and how I feel, but the feelings take a backseat when people can't always live up to my fantasies, My liking a person doesn't make them agile and strong, or confident. ( I wouldn't submit to a person who wasn't those things... so mood or not, I need the other person to have certain attributes for me to be able to NOT be in control.)

*yawn* must sleep...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I get that, but it's not the case for me - the more intimacy I have with my Bull the more effective and the more exploratory our interaction whichever direction things happen to be pointing. It's not about advantages and upper hands in either direction, really. Which is particular to my play with him, but that's how it is. I never felt like I was getting things over on him by being in control of him, and I've always been really invested in his enjoyment - maybe this should have tipped me off that I was never really totally done with the idea of submitting to him as a possible outlet.

There's no real problem if the temptation to flip arises, though I don't think we're given to doing that mid-scene, simply because there's a level of simpatico where it doesn't really matter all that much at the end of the day.

This is a really insightful post. Your dynamic with this guy sounds like a meeting of equals rather than a power tug-of-war. I never really saw switching as having an equilibrium like this. I've never seen an example of a relationship, BDSM or vanilla, where power is equally divided. It's given me something to think about.

This probably makes zero sense to anyone who's never been in a relationship of this nature, and I'm afraid I can't articulate it better. It's not that I don't take his authority seriously, nor that he doesn't take mine seriously - it's that the authority is secondary to the mere act of connection, so one week it may be him, the next it may be me. Usually we operate in phases, sometimes of very long duration. Things are in a weird flux right now and I think they're on the verge of flipping again - thoughts of being on top are permeating my brain, and I'm simply more of the instigator among us - so it will go how I want it. I never really found that background knowledge to be an obstacle to surrender, rather something which makes me feel secure enough to want to go there at all in the first place.

I totally get that the connection is more important than the power exchange. Master and I occasionally have what could be called gentle, vanilla sex. He's still ostensibly in charge but at that time, our need to be close and to connect supersedes the need in either of us for power play. That may not be a comparable example but it's what sprang to mind when I read this paragraph.

I also get that your knowledge of each other makes trust and surrender possible. I didn't intend to suggest that inside knowledge of the flipside of someone's kink is a bad thing. I just wondered if it coloured things in a way that wouldn't happen if the roles were never switched around.

I don't think that my relationship with my husband (sub bottom) or my slave is at all less complicated than my relationship with my lover/top/bottom - the complications and quirks are just totally different ones, equally as compelling. They're just not people I recognize as Dominant or authority with me, and that's a great relief to both of them indeed, it's just not in the wiring and frankly I love them because they're who they are. I love my Bull for who he is, and who that is is also someone who has a quiet authority that I can accept as part of the package, as much as I accept his pleasing nature, his excitement at his surrender, his experience-junkie kinky explorer nature.

I would never suggest that a switch free dynamic was any less complicated. LTRs are inherently complicated and remain so forever. One of the things that makes a LTR enduring is a continued fascination with the other person. I'm only focusing on switch dynamics because it's something that I can't empathise with and have a limited understanding of.

 

[Netzach]

This is a really insightful post. Your dynamic with this guy sounds like a meeting of equals rather than a power tug-of-war. I never really saw switching as having an equilibrium like this. I've never seen an example of a relationship, BDSM or vanilla, where power is equally divided. It's given me something to think about.

I never really thought about it that way, because we do play with power often, so to me the whole "egalitarian = vanilla" thing is kind of getting overhauled in my brain by this post. Seriously good food for thought, thank you.

I think it's less showing up on the same part of the power diagram, and more a willingness to acknowledge the things that he's way way way better at and smarter about in me, and the things that I'm way way way smarter about and better at in him. But I guess this is a kind of equilibrium, too.

I totally get that the connection is more important than the power exchange. Master and I occasionally have what could be called gentle, vanilla sex. He's still ostensibly in charge but at that time, our need to be close and to connect supersedes the need in either of us for power play. That may not be a comparable example but it's what sprang to mind when I read this paragraph.

I also get that your knowledge of each other makes trust and surrender possible. I didn't intend to suggest that inside knowledge of the flipside of someone's kink is a bad thing. I just wondered if it coloured things in a way that wouldn't happen if the roles were never switched around.

I think for a lot of people it does present an obstacle, and I'm not insulted by the implication. For me, personally it does lend a little something to the proceedings to play with someone who could flip me but isn't - it's another level of self-control and another aspect of surrender on their part, in some ways it's something extra that I feel like I'm being given in the process on their part that isn't in the mix with someone who doesn't have the ability or desire. Overcoming my first-level impulse to top T, is part of something that contributes to what I call the "tiger on a leash" factor in my bottoming. I'm not a bedpost notcher - having M, my favorite tomcat and H, my human beagle, isn't worse than sometimes having T, my marginally tamed tiger - they're just different and the difference is exciting.

It's funny you mention vanilla or superficially vanilla stuff. He's just been diagnosed with a pretty serious health issue, and sure enough this really does peel things back to really essential stuff. There are many times where just being together and intimate is of utmost import for us - for me "not vanilla" is very much as I described in another post, as having a door to the room, having an option to go somewhere else, but not necessarily going there all the time.

I would never suggest that a switch free dynamic was any less complicated. LTRs are inherently complicated and remain so forever. One of the things that makes a LTR enduring is a continued fascination with the other person. I'm only focusing on switch dynamics because it's something that I can't empathise with and have a limited understanding of.

Again, I never saw any slight here. Less complicated isn't necessarily less complicated, if that makes any sense at all. For me it's *so* person specific that it doesn't even make a lot of sense to me applied outside my own universe sometimes.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It's funny you mention vanilla or superficially vanilla stuff. He's just been diagnosed with a pretty serious health issue, and sure enough this really does peel things back to really essential stuff. There are many times where just being together and intimate is of utmost import for us - for me "not vanilla" is very much as I described in another post, as having a door to the room, having an option to go somewhere else, but not necessarily going there all the time.

Mini Hijack (but it's my thread so fuck it)

Yeah, I totally get this as Master has been having health issues too. It really does amputate all the existential crap that LTRs get layered with. As a kind of positive throwback, any sexual play between us is emotionally charged and brings us closer as a result. It's all very intense but I have no doubt that we'll come out the other end of this period much stronger for having endured it. That's a very positive focus for me that helps when he gets really depressed about things.

 

[Beaforce]

New Switch

I have just started to switch. I am usually a bottom but now want to try my hand at being a top. My boyfriend asked for the switch and the idea really excited me. A man who can dominate me and give me that amazing pleasure/pain now wants to walk a mile in my shoes.

I think it is just my personality that allows for both. I have a dominate, confident personality that privately loves being controlled. However already having that public confidence and dominance as a part of me it allows for switching. Its fun to be on the other end of things and helps me understand what to ask for in the future as far as being a sub. Once you have seen it from the other side you appreciate everything more!

 

[ryanslavemaster]

it really depends on my mood, if i am in the mood i became a dom but if not then it is my time to become a sub. but i really prepare to be a dom but there are times that i need to become a sub, nature calls for it sometimes