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How NOT to Get Lit Laid- A Parody Thread

AtramentousRex said:
Hello Children. Its your favorite neighborhood emo boy, AtramentousRex/Nevyn_Black/Neefull Thing/WhoKnowsNextWeek

I'd like to take a brief moment to talk about the methods I use to avoid getting Lit pussy, or even Lit dick, which is very hard to do I might add.
Now, the first and most important thing is, never lie about anything.

1. Always be Brutally honest - If someone sends you a pic asking if they are pretty, make sure to tell them how ugly they are in the worst, most personally derogatory and disrespectful a way as possible. Point out all their flaws, starting with the physical ones and moving on to personal traits that they are secretly self-conscious about. It works most of the time - Unless they are into that kind of thing. Sick fucks.

2. If they ask questions about you - Paint yourself in the absolute worst way you can imagine. Send them the palest, most bloated, scarred, stretch marked, unshaven, unkempt, unbathed pics you can. Bonus points if you have a fungal infection or a rash! But don't stop there, please list every personal tragedy you've ever had and each way in which you are an abject failure! Whine about how broke and crazy you are, talk about your time in prison/the psych ward. A lot. Incessantly. If the first one doesn't work, this one will. Be sure to make it clear that you possess no confidence or self esteem to any measurable degree. Hetero ladies in particular hate this...unless they are dommy mommies. Icky.

3. Nothing is, has ever been, or ever will be your fault - Remember, denial is not just a river in Egypt. You should constantly point out how you have been mistreated and vilified by everyone who talks to you, if possible develop and actual persecution complex. Incel behaviors of any kind, or even sympathy for anyone who has ever been even temporarily labeled as an incel, will ensure that you have lots of material for this. Be vehemently anti-Feminist, in spaces that are dedicated to feminism, and then complain that its not fair that they get their own spaces!
(note: This one will maybe lead to physical harm, which is the ultimate badge of honor)

4. Call yourself a 'Nice Guy'. That's it. Nothing complicated, just say it as often as possible, wherever you can. The rest will happen organically.
(do not do this if you are prone to depression, or struggle when socially isolated.)

Anyone else who wishes to contribute to this list will be greatly assisting those who wish to remain pure and unsullied. Let there be Celibacy, or let there be Banning!
Click to expand...
5. Be sure to make it a HUGE point to describe, in detail, all your collections ESPECIALLY if they are toy-based - legos, etc. Oh! And be sure to boast about your mastery of the lexicon whilst peppering your...thesis...with misspellings or (my favorite) non-existent words, e.g. "alot". Cuz like, I realized that I'm really good at, like...using words....to say....stuff?

6. For the guys, spend at least a full paragraph detailing your cock. Womyn LOVE hearing about your cock! If you haven't, prior to penning your dissertation, give that member a name! A name that will endure - a name that would embarrass the most 80's of 80's porn stars. In this discussion, be ADAMANT...that you are "straight". Do NOT deviate from this label - look, so you find yourself "intrigued" or "curious" about, oh...pegging? You know, just because you bought 2 strap-ons (caucasian and BBC) for her to put on not necessarily first date, but...you know...to "explore" with you? That don't mean you ain't straight cuz brutha? Straight means whatever....DA FUCK...you mean it...to mean. KnowwhatImean? And if she even implies...that you've even been OPEN to something other than super-duper-laserbeam-straight? Freak. The. Fuck. Out. Womyn like a dude with passion and your passion over the label "Straight" trumps HER passion for life itself.

7. Do NOT - I repeat do NOT require her to agree with you on everything, however DO remind her that your words carry the authority of the Holy Trinity itself. Of course, for those not religiously bent, the Holy Trinity consists of Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee and the late great Neil "The Professor" Peart (pronounced like a Navy Pier - T). If she slips and says "Pert" like the shampoo? What do we do, gentlemen? That's right....Freak. The. Fuck. Out.
 
SissyBrandi19 said:
5. Be sure to make it a HUGE point to describe, in detail, all your collections ESPECIALLY if they are toy-based - legos, etc. Oh! And be sure to boast about your mastery of the lexicon whilst peppering your...thesis...with misspellings or (my favorite) non-existent words, e.g. "alot". Cuz like, I realized that I'm really good at, like...using words....to say....stuff?

6. For the guys, spend at least a full paragraph detailing your cock. Womyn LOVE hearing about your cock! If you haven't, prior to penning your dissertation, give that member a name! A name that will endure - a name that would embarrass the most 80's of 80's porn stars. In this discussion, be ADAMANT...that you are "straight". Do NOT deviate from this label - look, so you find yourself "intrigued" or "curious" about, oh...pegging? You know, just because you bought 2 strap-ons (caucasian and BBC) for her to put on not necessarily first date, but...you know...to "explore" with you? That don't mean you ain't straight cuz brutha? Straight means whatever....DA FUCK...you mean it...to mean. KnowwhatImean? And if she even implies...that you've even been OPEN to something other than super-duper-laserbeam-straight? Freak. The. Fuck. Out. Womyn like a dude with passion and your passion over the label "Straight" trumps HER passion for life itself.

7. Do NOT - I repeat do NOT require her to agree with you on everything, however DO remind her that your words carry the authority of the Holy Trinity itself. Of course, for those not religiously bent, the Holy Trinity consists of Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee and the late great Neil "The Professor" Peart (pronounced like a Navy Pier - T). If she slips and says "Pert" like the shampoo? What do we do, gentlemen? That's right....Freak. The. Fuck. Out.
Click to expand...
Who doesn’t want to hear about my miniature model painting? Raise your hands (or cocks, I know some of you freaks are already hard).
 
TunnelKing089 said:
It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.” Matthew 4:7 :ROFLMAO:
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Only because God has ZERO willpower - absolutely bereft of free will, that holy God who...loves genocide, slavery, rape, child trafficking...you know, the sin-free life. So YOU "shalt not kill" but the Invisible Sky Fairy? Fuckin' genocide...cuz, you know, the people were wicked! Wicked toddlers, wicked babies...wicked marmosets...fuckin' wicked. But God ain't gonna just...off ya...for nuthin', you know, he's pretty tolerant unless you, oh....I dunno...turn around? Then it's Pillar-of-Salt for you!

Here's the one thing that kinda...well, it's a head-scratcher, maybe y'all can help this...this slow-witted, feeb. God is love, or so I hear. But then I think - what is love? Then I think, oh! There's that thing in I Corinthians? They always say at weddings? About love is this, love is that...and what it is not. Like..."love does not envy"....that's one I remember. But...here's the enigma of a puzzler of a riddle...ok, so love doesn't envy, right? So...so....so.....WHY...does God call himself "Jealous" 14 times in the Bible!? Cuz I looked in one of those Themorous...Thesorious...that book that's like a dictionary but it's not? And Jealous and Envy? They're like...the freakin' exact, same thing! So....what the fuck?!
 
AtramentousRex said:
Just to understand....you're saying its....wrong...to fuck ones relatives? I guess my family really was dysfunctional. Uncle George lied to me about national 'hide the sausage day'.
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How...how can family luv be wrong...when it FEELS...feels so illegal!?
 
EvaLane said:
Even I have committed a blunder or two that have led to dry seasons 🫢

Call the wrong man Daddy and oops, bye bye 😔

Call the right man Daddy and he’ll never leave you alone 🫣
Click to expand...
I like calling him "daddy"...is that wrong? Am I bad? Or am I....naughty? Cuz if so? I need a spanking!
 
subdudeme13 said:
Isn't it supposed to be "heel"?
I do have a thing for heels. Is that ok?
Click to expand...

Getting back on track? Okay.

How Not to get laid...

See example above.

Go through a thread and quote each woman individually hoping at least one will think you're cute, funny, or interesting and message you.

Also, one of my favorites, talk about a shoe fetish with someone who hates foot prisons.
 
barefootgirl69 said:
Getting back on track? Okay.

How Not to get laid...

See example above.

Go through a thread and quote each woman individually hoping at least one will think you're cute, funny, or interesting and message you.

Also, one of my favorites, talk about a shoe fetish with someone who hates foot prisons.
Click to expand...
What did I do? Wrong?
 
Showing a girl the collector's edition Pog that you keep on your wallet to make it look like there is a condom in it is a sure fire way to get her juices flowing
 
LilKitKat said:
(apologies if this was previously mentioned and I somehow missed it)

One strongly advisable line of thinking to note that absiolutely works like a charm when writing flirty messages to arouse...DO NOT use more refined words, elevated adjectives and such.
Instead, use words that you first heard when you were about eight years old and then repeat them over and over, never exchanging them for other words.

Examples:
Is your thingie hard? I want to see your thingie and use my hand on it.
I want to touch your boobies! Your boobies look big.
Your tushy looks soft. My hand touching your tushy will make us both feel good.

This is guaranteed language to make cocks erupt and cause tidal waves in panties...
Click to expand...
Tidal waves in panties

Is this like a tempest in a teapot type thing?
 
Anyways.

I didn't want to give out all my secrets but here goes. Make every effort to compare her with every girl you ever liked, crushed, dated, married, divorced. Be honest about how you wish she made an effort to look and act like them. And then, just to add some spice, add her mother to the mix. Remember guys, women love being compared to their friends and mothers.

Guaranteed success.
 
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