How NOT to Get Lit Laid- A Parody Thread

[EvaLane]

"Who wants sloppy fourths?! None of the previous guys this afternoon managed to make me cum..."

And we call that someone who’s ready to put their best foot face forward

 

[Qky75]

And we call that someone who’s ready to put their best foot face forward
View attachment 2559674

Ouch.

 

[MindYaBitness]

Ehhhh... you do know, of course, all these have been tried- right?

I post whack shit and people send me pretty whack shit too as a consequence. Unbelievable. The stories my inbox can tell.

Do you have a spreadsheet, cause I do

 

[Shenanigans90]

Easy peasy, I wrote the book.

 

[MindYaBitness]

Easy peasy, I wrote the book.

Wait, are you the one who inboxed me with something like "great tits! Are you kinda stupid? Please tell me your stupid, I love big tittied dumb chicks"

 

[Shenanigans90]

Wait, are you the one who inboxed me with something like "great tits! Are you kinda stupid? Please tell me your stupid, I love big tittied dumb chicks"

Well…I thought that was kinda charming.

 

[LostHorizon]

"Who wants sloppy fourths?! None of the previous guys this afternoon managed to make me cum..."

Damn amateurs.

 

[EvaLane]

Easy peasy, I wrote the book.

Fun fact, that’s a method used to quit pornography! (Warning!!! Only click if you want to QUIT PORNOGRAPHY!!! lol the link is a safe PDF for the book “The Easy Peasy Method”)

Another absolute dickthrobber of a conversation starter.

 

[LustfulIntentions2]

Fun fact, that’s a method used to quit pornography! (Warning!!! Only click if you want to QUIT PORNOGRAPHY!!! lol the link is a safe PDF for the book “The Easy Peasy Method”)

Another absolute dickthrobber of a conversation starter.

Wait, why would I *want* to quit pornography? Other than so I can feel better about not getting fucked?

 

[Biglibido99]

Ladies love it when I talk wave functions!

Yes & Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle leaves them dripping
As does always using text speak
If you combine both you have nailed it "If we kno evrythin bout whr a particle is, we kno nthin bout its momentum"

 

[Shenanigans90]

Fun fact, that’s a method used to quit pornography! (Warning!!! Only click if you want to QUIT PORNOGRAPHY!!! lol the link is a safe PDF for the book “The Easy Peasy Method”)

Another absolute dickthrobber of a conversation starter.

Most of the women that I interact with suggest I change my username to panty dryer.

 

[EvaLane]

Wait, why would I *want* to quit pornography? Other than so I can feel better about not getting fucked?

I hear too much of a good thing can be dangerous, I wouldn’t know of course, for me there’s never enough

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

Wait, why would I *want* to quit pornography? Other than so I can feel better about not getting fucked?

 

[Biglibido99]

View attachment 2559690

But aren't idle hands the devil's playground?
Now, I'm confused

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

But aren't idle hands the devil's playground?
Now, I'm confused

If these hands ain’t working they must be jerkin’

 

[MindYaBitness]

But aren't idle hands the devil's playground?
Now, I'm confused

Squeeze one out for Jesus?

 

[MindYaBitness]

Well…I thought that was kinda charming.

I just love charming stupid guys

 

[SalaciousMonkey22]

Squeeze one out for Jesus?

I think the kids just say squeezus.

 

[HopefulRetirement]

This is getting out of control. Not only have I learned how to absolutely trash any prospects of getting Lit laid but now, for some reason, I find myself wanting to get rid of all the 1980s/90s porn I stashed so I can go see the Big Guy? This was all a conspiracy!

 

[Apisto42]

View attachment 2559690

I’m perfectly happy with my dick size, and it doesn’t take two full hands to jerk off. Maybe these Christian kids are having circle jerks?

 

[HopefulRetirement]

Listen, if you need more than 2 hands to handle your dick, make sure you have good blood pressure.

 

[subdudeme13]

Squeeze one out for Jesus?

AMEN! HALLELUJAH!

 

[Ratchetman1982]

We could masturbate to Excel together

 

[Mei5ter]

Can't get Lit laid?

Has Lit dating left you as lost as Nigel Farage's moral compass?

Is your inbox as empty as a Reform voter's brain pan?

Do your PMs always seem cause erectile flaccidity or vaginal desiccation? Or both?

The answer is simple...

*** VAGUE LIT SHIT POSTING!!! ***

Yes! Just post endless vague, negative crap about the 47 other Litsters you've played with, haven't played with, or wish you'd played with, and your inbox will immediately be flooded with dozens of offers! Who wouldn't want to join them as your #48???

Or why not go further? Post about how all men are bastards, or how all women on Lit are liars, and your DMs will be swamped with people desperate to prove you wrong! Or right!

Vague Lit Shit Posting. Where it's never about you.

 

[Pad_Foot]

It’s as easy as putting out a fire.

Heat.. don’t let her(him) express thoughts about what heats them up. Tell them every tidbit about what you need. Avoid the topics you find they love

Oxygen- get their full attention. Get in close with immediate forms of intimate communication. Teach them to be more open with you. Get their address to send them more stuff for living your fantasies.

Fuel- just keep throwing more messages and onto your blaze. The more the better. Share every hot thought you have about them. Do this around the clock!! New relationships are so much fun!

Focus all your attention on building your perfect lover. Old flame?? Do all this at double speed. They needed you and your affection for years.

OH.............. LAST POINT............. if you manage to spark the smallest itty bitty flame of interest????????
Grab that whole new relationship and run to put in in the firepit where all your previous attempts have been taken to die, because you think that it's a better spot to enjoy the new flame!!