How NOT to Get Lit Laid- A Parody Thread

[Ratchetman1982]

Planning a romantic evening with that special someone? Be sure prepare a meal that incorporates your homemade mayonnaise. Both men and women love trying something you made at home that most certainly wouldn't get you violently ill.

 

[SpicyBean99]

Planning a romantic evening with that special someone? Be sure prepare a meal that incorporates your homemade mayonnaise. Both men and women love trying something you made at home that most certainly wouldn't get you violently ill.

I knew the creamer in my coffee this morning was slightly thicker than usual…

 

[Ratchetman1982]

I knew the creamer in my coffee this morning was slightly thicker than usual…

I've been backed up...I mean, weird right?

 

[HopefulRetirement]

I knew the creamer in my coffee this morning was slightly thicker than usual…

Glad you liked it. Took me about 4 days to make it

 

[mickyp123]

Say its really strange and quite lovely, your eyes are so like my mum's

 

[Apisto42]

Did I miss the recommendation to always start a pm conversation with “hey babe, what would you do to get me hard” and an embedded pic of your soft cock? I find that one to be a winner.

 

[LilKitKat]

(apologies if this was previously mentioned and I somehow missed it)

One strongly advisable line of thinking to note that absiolutely works like a charm when writing flirty messages to arouse...DO NOT use more refined words, elevated adjectives and such.
Instead, use words that you first heard when you were about eight years old and then repeat them over and over, never exchanging them for other words.

Examples:
Is your thingie hard? I want to see your thingie and use my hand on it.
I want to touch your boobies! Your boobies look big.
Your tushy looks soft. My hand touching your tushy will make us both feel good.

This is guaranteed language to make cocks erupt and cause tidal waves in panties...

 

[Whiskeyjack]

(apologies if this was previously mentioned and I somehow missed it)

One strongly advisable line of thinking to note that absiolutely works like a charm when writing flirty messages to arouse...DO NOT use more refined words, elevated adjectives and such.
Instead, use words that you first heard when you were about eight years old and then repeat them over and over, never exchanging them for other words.

Examples:
Is your thingie hard? I want to see your thingie and use my hand on it.
I want to touch your boobies! Your boobies look big.
Your tushy looks soft. My hand touching your tushy will make us both feel good.

This is guaranteed language to make cocks erupt and cause tidal waves in panties...

Can confirm. When I've wanted to put my wee-wee in a hoo-ha, this has absolutely worked for me.

 

[HopefulRetirement]

(apologies if this was previously mentioned and I somehow missed it)

One strongly advisable line of thinking to note that absiolutely works like a charm when writing flirty messages to arouse...DO NOT use more refined words, elevated adjectives and such.
Instead, use words that you first heard when you were about eight years old and then repeat them over and over, never exchanging them for other words.

Examples:
Is your thingie hard? I want to see your thingie and use my hand on it.
I want to touch your boobies! Your boobies look big.
Your tushy looks soft. My hand touching your tushy will make us both feel good.

This is guaranteed language to make cocks erupt and cause tidal waves in panties...

Finally! I can use the words I've held onto for years! I can't wait to put my hot dog in your triangle!

 

[Pad_Foot]

Oh oh oh Meeee!!

As in… send a BILLION public and private messages to that person you want to get to know. Burying them in your affection.
Be the creepy pervert of their most intimate dreams you know they must be having about you. Make them feel your love!!

(Was it Horshack on “Welcome Back Kotter”? You know! Before Travolta was TRAVOLTA?? Or… yup.. I’m ancient)

 

[HopefulRetirement]

I have this album if nothing but dick pics I've taken of myself over the last 15 years. I can't wait to share it. I have absolutely no doubt the women will drool over it. It even comes with a magnifying glass!

 

[LilKitKat]

Can confirm. When I've wanted to put my wee-wee in a hoo-ha, this has absolutely worked for me.

shhhh yer going to make me go change already

 

[mickyp123]

(apologies if this was previously mentioned and I somehow missed it)

One strongly advisable line of thinking to note that absiolutely works like a charm when writing flirty messages to arouse...DO NOT use more refined words, elevated adjectives and such.
Instead, use words that you first heard when you were about eight years old and then repeat them over and over, never exchanging them for other words.

Examples:
Is your thingie hard? I want to see your thingie and use my hand on it.
I want to touch your boobies! Your boobies look big.
Your tushy looks soft. My hand touching your tushy will make us both feel good.

This is guaranteed language to make cocks erupt and cause tidal waves in panties...

Do you come from the North? cos every time i see you my thingy thinks its a cumpass

 

[LilKitKat]

Finally! I can use the words I've held onto for years! I can't wait to put my hot dog in your triangle!

ok thats it, you need to snap me NOW

 

[TunnelKing089]

Quoting Bible scripture usually works if you wanna scare em off,but I will admit it might work on a few.

 

[LilKitKat]

Quoting Bible scripture usually works if you wanna scare em off,but I will admit it might work on a few.

*points to thread title and the keyword "parody"*

 

[Hornymwtxn]

Quoting Bible scripture usually works if you wanna scare em off,but I will admit it might work on a few.

Rosy Psalms

 

[subdudeme13]

Yeah and in a VERY BAD WAY.

BAD? BAD? I wasn't bad. Honest!

 

[subdudeme13]

Honestly, it fits right in with how NOT to get laid.hin

Isn't it supposed to be "heel"?
I do have a thing for heels. Is that ok?

 

[subdudeme13]

*points to thread title and the keyword "parody"*

I would take an bite of the apple, I would eat the hole thing.

 

[subdudeme13]

5) Overshare about your weirdest, most niche fetish immediately. Do not hesitate. Don’t wait until someone asks what you’re into, or wait for the right moment to subtlety share. Lead with it. Drop it directly into a thread, or casual conversation. This often works better if it involves bodily fluids, the time you fucked your mum, torture devices or extreme R.P. If they use the ignore button or simply don’t respond, you must instantly, double down with graphic detail and maybe even write a long story about the last time you tried it. (Often works best when sent in a PM with no hello or other introduction.) Works every time, unless they’re into it, in which case, congratulations, you’ve unlocked a new level of hell.

I have a thing for full body prostate orgasms.

 

[subdudeme13]

I fear many of these would work on me
View attachment 2559300

censored

 

[subdudeme13]

One area we haven't covered much of are the amazing examples of skin infections the human body can experience. Nothing screams "look at me!" quite like some colorful and often odiferous discharges.

Discussing how intimate mutual pimple popping can be as a means to bond is just another example - especially those beautiful zits that make an audible pop as it squirts into your partner's eye...

I think you get the prize, what ever it is. Maybe a little jar of pimple mayo?

 

[subdudeme13]

I am going away now, I think I have earned a...................you know.

 

[TunnelKing089]

*points to thread title and the keyword "parody"*

It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.” Matthew 4:7