Where should I fit in the community?

[Hazardo]

Hi. First post. Go easy on me.

So I'm a 35 y/o straight male in the UK, and been single for about a year now. That is not to say haven't had a few adventures though. I've always been really curious about the darker side of my desires, and have dabbled in bondage and light non-consent fantasies in relationships. I've written erotic literature on and off for maybe 10 years and been active in a few forums on and off.

BDSM has always been a curiosity for me, but a lot of it has seemed too 'pantomime' for me. I think from a distance, all we see is the visual, and the mechanics and aesthetics aren't that interesting to me (i.e. outfits, materials, devices). However, the psychology is 100% where I'm at. I'm very interested in the rush, fear, humiliation, degradation, anticipation, power-play, etc. Sex has always been exhilarating for me when there has been a psychological element outside the vanilla.

I guess I'd like to establish my place, and what I might want from getting more involved, and obviously whether it'd make sense for me to try and find a partner who's into the same thing.

I never really considered myself a Dom, despite my obvious interest in control and power-play, because I have quite a lot of conflict with my caring nature. Non-consent fantasies were always exciting to me, but a struggle because ultimately the wellbeing of the person I was with was far more important, so I was always very restrained. But having had a chat with a few kinksters over the years though, they've helped me see that the true role of a dominant is actually a caring role, where pleasure and control are taken, but nurturing is returned.

So actually, it sounds like maybe that is my place in the community, if I was to choose to immerse myself in it. There is zero danger of me not taking care of a submissive, as that's my overriding instinct, but I feel like, in real life, I would need a sub who could understand my conflict between caring and desire, and understand how to work with that.

In my head there is a perfect dynamic where it's exciting, and I get to indulge all these complex dark psychological sides of me, but she feels totally safe with me, and a completely normal and fulfilling relationship is possible in parallel. Does that actually work?

Where do I begin with this shit? Obviously in normal life I will just meet vanilla girls, perhaps with a little kink here and there, but not someone who could help me explore this side of me. I'm at a good time of life now where I think it's time to really explore more.

 

[malefica]

Top/service top? You can also be a Master, or a Daddy Dom, the latter of which is generally presented as being more caring and nurturing. Sensual domination is also very much a thing.

Perhaps go to a local munch*?

*Local meeting of kinksters in a non-kinky setting such as a pub or cafe.

 

[clistenovena]

In my head there is a perfect dynamic where it's exciting, and I get to indulge all these complex dark psychological sides of me, but she feels totally safe with me, and a completely normal and fulfilling relationship is possible in parallel. Does that actually work?

Yes. It does actually work. Quite well, when you find a like mind. And those type minds are to be found. You might find someone here, or another site, or you might find someone if you get involved in your local community. When you do find that someone, you'll see that dark and light can blend seamlessly. Just remember, nothing is ever perfect, and all relationships take effort.

Where do I begin with this shit? Obviously in normal life I will just meet vanilla girls, perhaps with a little kink here and there, but not someone who could help me explore this side of me. I'm at a good time of life now where I think it's time to really explore more.

You should be more open to what's available in "normal life." You, with all your "dark psychological sides" exist out there in the "real world." Why wouldn't the one you're looking for be out there as well? The people who post here exist out there in the face-to-face beyond this screen. ~thinks about that for a moment~ Well, most of them, anyway.

Best wishes in your search.

 

[Blue]

Based on this description, you fit right about...

 

[LucyBee01]

Top/service top? You can also be a Master, or a Daddy Dom, the latter of which is generally presented as being more caring and nurturing. Sensual domination is also very much a thing.

Perhaps go to a local munch*?

*Local meeting of kinksters in a non-kinky setting such as a pub or cafe.

Seconded. Best way to find a local munch is on Fetlife.
At munches, as well as meeting like minded kinksters, you will find out more about other local events. Can't beat meeting others in person, as well as soaking up all the good advice and experience available on forums such as these.

 

[Hazardo]

Top/service top? You can also be a Master, or a Daddy Dom, the latter of which is generally presented as being more caring and nurturing. Sensual domination is also very much a thing.

Perhaps go to a local munch*?

Thanks Malefica. This gave me some food for thought and at least helped me better understand how I might fit in.

"Service Top". Hadn't heard of this, so looked it up, and definitely no ... I don't enjoy any direction

"Master" definitely no. I've never been interested in the slave dynamic, as I get too much from emotional connection, and this is too extreme for me

"Daddy Dom", I'd never heard of this either, so looked it up, and another definite no. That little brat dynamic is not going to work for me.

I definitely want to respect my sub as an equal, who relinquishes control to me, but I can admire. I guess a munch might well be the next step then.

Yes. It does actually work. Quite well, when you find a like mind. And those type minds are to be found. You might find someone here, or another site, or you might find someone if you get involved in your local community. When you do find that someone, you'll see that dark and light can blend seamlessly. Just remember, nothing is ever perfect, and all relationships take effort.

It's nice to know it's possible, but I guess it takes a real meeting of motivations of both parties for it to be sustained. I was reading the other threads and seeing the trend of doms disappointing their subs by losing interest and intensity, and I guess that's a real possibility unless you're both maintaining the dynamic and keeping it fresh.

You should be more open to what's available in "normal life." You, with all your "dark psychological sides" exist out there in the "real world." Why wouldn't the one you're looking for be out there as well? The people who post here exist out there in the face-to-face beyond this screen. ~thinks about that for a moment~ Well, most of them, anyway.

Well I do seem to attract them on some level. My last 3 girlfriends had non-consent fantasies, but then I think that's fairly common. The thing is, I don't really exude these thoughts in my day life, so how would these two opposite sides of the coin notice each other? And that ignores the fact I rarely meet single people now. I'm internet dating atm!

Seconded. Best way to find a local munch is on Fetlife.
At munches, as well as meeting like minded kinksters, you will find out more about other local events. Can't beat meeting others in person, as well as soaking up all the good advice and experience available on forums such as these.

Maybe time to reactivate my Fetlife account then. A munch does seem like the way forward. It also seems like a weird concept to head out to one of those with no experience and nobody that I know in person that's ever been to one. I guess it's like MeetUp (which I haven't used either) for kinksters?

 

[malefica]

Maybe time to reactivate my Fetlife account then. A munch does seem like the way forward. It also seems like a weird concept to head out to one of those with no experience and nobody that I know in person that's ever been to one. I guess it's like MeetUp (which I haven't used either) for kinksters?

Not all brats are littles, and not all littles are brats Just a note there.


Pretty much? At my local one, a section of the pub is reserved for us. To anyone passing by and not intentionally eavesdropping, it is just a medium-sized social of people. We've all got that common interest.

 

[LucyBee01]

Most munches are friendly and welcome newcomers. Also, they often encourage you to contact the munch organiser if you are feeling nervous or it is your first munch, so they can answer any questions you might have and look out for you at the munch and introduce you to a few people.

It took me three attempts to walk into my first munch and get into a conversation. Totally worth it.

 

[Hazardo]

Thanks guys. I tried to log into Fetlife but it wants a phone number now. I wouldn't give my phone number to any website, so that's a dead end then.

I don't think I'd have an anxiety problem going to munches. My main concern would be my motivations. Does it really make sense to go to a munch when your only real motivation is to meet a girl? Seems a bit shallow. I don't want to be "that guy". All my social groups are typically activity oriented (motorbikes mostly), so going to meet new people to hang out in a restaurant/pub and chat to randoms .... it's not me typically. I'm going to be going with loaded expectations.

Oh yeah, I'm quite the over-thinker btw.

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Hi. First post. Go easy on me.

So I'm a 35 y/o straight male in the UK, and been single for about a year now. That is not to say haven't had a few adventures though. I've always been really curious about the darker side of my desires, and have dabbled in bondage and light non-consent fantasies in relationships. I've written erotic literature on and off for maybe 10 years and been active in a few forums on and off.

BDSM has always been a curiosity for me, but a lot of it has seemed too 'pantomime' for me. I think from a distance, all we see is the visual, and the mechanics and aesthetics aren't that interesting to me (i.e. outfits, materials, devices). However, the psychology is 100% where I'm at. I'm very interested in the rush, fear, humiliation, degradation, anticipation, power-play, etc. Sex has always been exhilarating for me when there has been a psychological element outside the vanilla.

I guess I'd like to establish my place, and what I might want from getting more involved, and obviously whether it'd make sense for me to try and find a partner who's into the same thing.

I never really considered myself a Dom, despite my obvious interest in control and power-play, because I have quite a lot of conflict with my caring nature. Non-consent fantasies were always exciting to me, but a struggle because ultimately the wellbeing of the person I was with was far more important, so I was always very restrained. But having had a chat with a few kinksters over the years though, they've helped me see that the true role of a dominant is actually a caring role, where pleasure and control are taken, but nurturing is returned.

So actually, it sounds like maybe that is my place in the community, if I was to choose to immerse myself in it. There is zero danger of me not taking care of a submissive, as that's my overriding instinct, but I feel like, in real life, I would need a sub who could understand my conflict between caring and desire, and understand how to work with that.

In my head there is a perfect dynamic where it's exciting, and I get to indulge all these complex dark psychological sides of me, but she feels totally safe with me, and a completely normal and fulfilling relationship is possible in parallel. Does that actually work?

Where do I begin with this shit? Obviously in normal life I will just meet vanilla girls, perhaps with a little kink here and there, but not someone who could help me explore this side of me. I'm at a good time of life now where I think it's time to really explore more.

Thanks for starting this thread. Your OP is great. I feel similarly to you about fitting in and I know I want a relationship but I am unique and need to meet someone unique too. So fitting into a box is not me, I am like some subs in some ways and other subs in other ways. But I am also content being single and meeting people on dates and being in the dating scene.

I love exploring and experimenting. I think I might go to a munch locally, sounds like fun xx

 

[Hazardo]

Thanks for starting this thread. Your OP is great. I feel similarly to you about fitting in and I know I want a relationship but I am unique and need to meet someone unique too. So fitting into a box is not me, I am like some subs in some ways and other subs in other ways. But I am also content being single and meeting people on dates and being in the dating scene.

I love exploring and experimenting. I think I might go to a munch locally, sounds like fun xx

Sam, how about explaining your ideal relationship/sexual dynamic? I'm quite curious if you don't feel like you fit under a common label.

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Sam, how about explaining your ideal relationship/sexual dynamic? I'm quite curious if you don't feel like you fit under a common label.

It's not just about relationship or sexual dynamic. It's practical things to like location, age, financial stability and commitment.

BDSM is not the priority it's a bonus. Commitment is the main criteria. I have found at 43 years, most people at my age are busy and don't have time to have play sessions even once a week. In a relationship I like to go out to museums and walks, for meals, and have kink involved.

For me ideal is a Dom who has more spare time than people I have met, who is happy with my hard limits that are specific to me, and understands to push me on my soft limits.

I don't think this exists in my location. That's cool. I am not in a position to relocate, and going out on a new date every couple of months is great fun too.

Sam xx

 

[Hazardo]

Wow, what happens at 43 when you suddenly don't have time for fucking?! Man, so I've got about 8 years left. I best get on with this, hadn't I?

When you break down what you're saying, it sounds like you want a normal life with a kinky edge flowing through everything you do. That doesn't sound unattainable. I want a similar thing ... I guess you just need to meet the right fella. I'm sure he's out there, but I'm sure the right lady is out there for me too. It's just down to that incredibly frustrating luck, and just happening to cross paths and recognise it. If you're dating every few months then that's at least raising your chances, right?

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Wow, what happens at 43 when you suddenly don't have time for fucking?! Man, so I've got about 8 years left. I best get on with this, hadn't I?

When you break down what you're saying, it sounds like you want a normal life with a kinky edge flowing through everything you do. That doesn't sound unattainable. I want a similar thing ... I guess you just need to meet the right fella. I'm sure he's out there, but I'm sure the right lady is out there for me too. It's just down to that incredibly frustrating luck, and just happening to cross paths and recognise it. If you're dating every few months then that's at least raising your chances, right?

I suppose, I don't feel a relationship is a priority though so I enjoy company as and when it fits in with my real life xx

 

[MeekMe]

Thanks guys. I tried to log into Fetlife but it wants a phone number now. I wouldn't give my phone number to any website, so that's a dead end then.

There are ways around this, like getting an invite or using a site that generates a phone number for you. Or you can try googling munches in your area. A lot of clubs have moved more information from FetLife to their own sites because of the difficulties with signup recently.

I don't think I'd have an anxiety problem going to munches. My main concern would be my motivations. Does it really make sense to go to a munch when your only real motivation is to meet a girl? Seems a bit shallow. I don't want to be "that guy". All my social groups are typically activity oriented (motorbikes mostly), so going to meet new people to hang out in a restaurant/pub and chat to randoms .... it's not me typically. I'm going to be going with loaded expectations.

Oh yeah, I'm quite the over-thinker btw.

Well, up thread you asked about joining a community and getting "involved" whatever that means. Now you don't want to go and be a creep because you aren't actually interested in joining a group but finding someone to act out your fantasies with. If you're just going to go and focus on pretty women, don't go. If you want to go, join a group of people and learn some things, then definitely go. Meeting lots of people and being known to people as being a decent guy gives you more of a chance at meeting locals that might be interested in playing with you.

"Service Top". Hadn't heard of this, so looked it up, and definitely no ... I don't enjoy any direction

;; Even a little, "oh, I like when you touch this spot but not that spot, could you try to avoid it?"

"Master" definitely no. I've never been interested in the slave dynamic, as I get too much from emotional connection, and this is too extreme for me

Please read some more. Not all m/s is devoid of emotion. There are plenty of loving married couples also enjoying a m/s dynamic. (And a plethora of other ways this can work.)

"Daddy Dom", I'd never heard of this either, so looked it up, and another definite no. That little brat dynamic is not going to work for me.

As someone else said, it's not set in stone and little doesn't equal brat.

Labels are there to help identify a very broad aspect of yourself or others. You can use one, or not. People are people regardless of the label they slap on themselves, and with that comes a unique compatibility in a relationship. I don't care what label you go with, just don't make assumptions about how others do things.

 

[CutieMouse]

I snippaged...

Hi. First post. Go easy on me.
BDSM has always been a curiosity for me, but a lot of it has seemed too 'pantomime' for me. I think from a distance, all we see is the visual, and the mechanics and aesthetics aren't that interesting to me (i.e. outfits, materials, devices).

My partner and I (inappropriately) refer to that stuff as the "BDSM Dungeons & Dragons Crew". None of my D/s relationships have involved the whole outfits, planned scenes, toys, blahblahblah stuff. This [current] relationship is accumulating a few toys, but that's more of a "hey I found this thing that looks fun - wanna try it?" thing. If it's fun - awesome; if not, no big deal.

However, the psychology is 100% where I'm at. I'm very interested in the rush, fear, humiliation, degradation, anticipation, power-play, etc. Sex has always been exhilarating for me when there has been a psychological element outside the vanilla.

I'd argue you aren't alone in that. I'd even go so far as to say for a lot of people the "trappings" of BDSM are primarily there to assist/enhance the mental aspect of it all.

I guess I'd like to establish my place, and what I might want from getting more involved, and obviously whether it'd make sense for me to try and find a partner who's into the same thing.

I never really considered myself a Dom, despite my obvious interest in control and power-play, because I have quite a lot of conflict with my caring nature.

Unpack this a bit... where did you get the idea that a caring nature is inconsistent with dominance? While there are people out there who are 100% on board with the submissive = object, no emotions [or humanity] involved, most successful power based relationships are exactly that - relationships. And relationships rarely thrive without care.

Non-consent fantasies were always exciting to me, but a struggle because ultimately the wellbeing of the person I was with was far more important, so I was always very restrained.

<snippage>

There is zero danger of me not taking care of a submissive, as that's my overriding instinct, but I feel like, in real life, I would need a sub who could understand my conflict between caring and desire, and understand how to work with that.

And for some of us, CNC (Consensual Non-Consent), rough sex, etc is an important part of maintaining our well-being. There are things that I need from an intimate relationship that might look disrespectful or misogynistic to an outsider, but my brain translates as acceptance and undestanding [of my odd odd little brain].

So, one might actually argue that the typical "caring" relationship is more harmful to me that one that involves some degree of CNC. So with that insight, where is the conflict?

In my head there is a perfect dynamic where it's exciting, and I get to indulge all these complex dark psychological sides of me, but she feels totally safe with me, and a completely normal and fulfilling relationship is possible in parallel. Does that actually work?

Yep. Quite well, actually.

Where do I begin with this shit? Obviously in normal life I will just meet vanilla girls, perhaps with a little kink here and there, but not someone who could help me explore this side of me. I'm at a good time of life now where I think it's time to really explore more.

Who says you can't do it that way? I mean, she has to be open to exploring, and you need to get consent AND both be capable of open, mature, productive communication, but where's the rule that says you can only find kink in designated BDSM areas?

My BDSM D&D comment above? I don't do public kink. I don't do munches. I tried once upon a time, but A) people kept assuming I was a dominant woman and B) I couldn't find common ground. I met my last 3 partners through normal "vanilla" dating sites. (OKCupid has the highest % of alternative lifestyle/kink friendly members, BTW.)

"Service Top". Hadn't heard of this, so looked it up, and definitely no ... I don't enjoy any direction.

My current lover spent his first couple of years Service Topping his way through dungeons in NYC and LA*. It gave him a chance to try things out, meet people, develop some skills, see what he was and wasn't interested in, and see what was out there. Another way to think about it is "pick up play"... wanna spank someone to see what it's like? Hanging out with kinky people and letting it be known you're up for casual play is one way to get experience while you're looking for a relationship. It's also a way to develop a reputation "in the scene".

*I tease him about slutting his way through dungeons on both coasts. lol

"Master" definitely no. I've never been interested in the slave dynamic, as I get too much from emotional connection, and this is too extreme for me

Who says a Master/slave dynamic doesn't have an emotional connection? You do realize that you get to tailor your relationship however you want, right? It's not like you have to pass a certification test or be board approved or anything...

"Daddy Dom", I'd never heard of this either, so looked it up, and another definite no. That little brat dynamic is not going to work for me.

Except that "daddy dom" dynamics tend to incorporate a lot of nurturing, mentoring, guiding energy - which sounds like it would fit the side of you that wants to maintain that aspect of a relationship while engaging in CNC/psychological/mental BDSM.

Again - you get to tailor a relationship to your wants and needs. The label "daddy dom" is just a shorthand starting point. The devil is in the details, and you get to decide the details.

(BTW- daddy dom energy and yummy sadistic bastard energy are not mutually exclusive...)

I definitely want to respect my sub as an equal, who relinquishes control to me, but I can admire.

Which is (I would hope) what most people who have relationship-based BDSM relationships want. The men I've been involved with want me in their lives (in part) because I am intelligent, business minded, responsible, self sufficient, cultured and accomplished.

I bring skills to the table, and they use those skills to their advantage; that's one of the ways I serve them. There are areas/subjects that I know more about than my lovers, just like there are areas/subjects they know more about than me. The fact that I am submissive and my relationships are D/s (I tend to "belong" to my lovers) doesn't negate any of the above.

It's nice to know it's possible, but I guess it takes a real meeting of motivations of both parties for it to be sustained. I was reading the other threads and seeing the trend of doms disappointing their subs by losing interest and intensity, and I guess that's a real possibility unless you're both maintaining the dynamic and keeping it fresh.

IMO this tends to happen when people either rush into things (might be helpful to read up on sub frenzy and dom frenzy) or pay more attention to the kink stuff than the relationship stuff.

Well I do seem to attract them on some level. My last 3 girlfriends had non-consent fantasies, but then I think that's fairly common. The thing is, I don't really exude these thoughts in my day life, so how would these two opposite sides of the coin notice each other? And that ignores the fact I rarely meet single people now. I'm internet dating atm!

In everyday life he's a pretty easy going guy, and doesn't pull rank; in my everyday life, I'm very in control of whatever situation I'm in. Very few people in everyday life can "read" how we operate in our relationship.

Most people meet people by internet dating. (Again - OKCupid tends to have a higher % of kinky/alternative lifestyle people.)

Maybe time to reactivate my Fetlife account then. A munch does seem like the way forward. It also seems like a weird concept to head out to one of those with no experience and nobody that I know in person that's ever been to one. I guess it's like MeetUp (which I haven't used either) for kinksters?

It's drinks and food with people who all happen to have some degree of kink in their lives. Business/social networking, with a twist. Not my thing, but if you want to increase the odds of meeting kinky people, munches are one way to do it.

Does it really make sense to go to a munch when your only real motivation is to meet a girl? Seems a bit shallow. I don't want to be "that guy". All my social groups are typically activity oriented (motorbikes mostly), so going to meet new people to hang out in a restaurant/pub and chat to randoms .... it's not me typically. I'm going to be going with loaded expectations.

Oh yeah, I'm quite the over-thinker btw.

By that measure, online dating is shallow. I mean, after all, your only purpose in online dating is to meet a girl. Munches aren't just a place to meet a girl. You'll find out about local groups, demonstrations, classes, etc. I don't think a lot has to be "studied", personally, but certain things like whips, rope suspension, etc are worth some formal training.

Wow, what happens at 43 when you suddenly don't have time for fucking?! Man, so I've got about 8 years left. I best get on with this, hadn't I?

Nothing; it's a priorities thing. We don't "scene"; we have a relationship. We don't get as much time as we'd like (long distance; we see each other a few days a month), but when we do we find a way to squeeze in sex, and kink, and errands, and dinner with friends, and work because that's Adulting.

(BTW, I'm 44, he'll be 50 soon.)

When you break down what you're saying, it sounds like you want a normal life with a kinky edge flowing through everything you do. That doesn't sound unattainable. I want a similar thing ... I guess you just need to meet the right fella. I'm sure he's out there, but I'm sure the right lady is out there for me too. It's just down to that incredibly frustrating luck, and just happening to cross paths and recognize it. If you're dating every few months then that's at least raising your chances, right?

The odds of success increase dramatically when the primary focus is compatibility. I've had D/s relationships that crashed and burned 6 weeks to 6 months down the road because I ignored some basic incompatibilities. I've had D/s based intimate friendships last 5+ years because we were such good friends. The current relationship is a year old, with no signs of slowing down. He commented the other day that it's been a year and we're both still dealing with NRE. lol

Dating is still dating and relationships are still relationships, even kinky ones.

 

[Hazardo]

Wow. That's a lot of thoughts and opinions. Definitely getting my money's worth out of this post. Thanks guys. I'm not going to quote and reply to every point, but I'll try and pick out the key parts from your posts which resonated with me in some way ...

So I don't think munches are for me then. Yes, I stressed an interest in "getting involved", but I think that's actually me saying "accessing the right pool of potential suitors" without me realising it.

At first mention, it seemed like munches were the logical avenue (I've considered them a lot in the past), but with hindsight it's not me. While I could imagine myself being interested in learning good bondage techniques for example, to be fair my real motivation to go would be to meet a girl ... and specifically one girl. I'm not interested in generating a reputation in "the scene", or even being involved in it. I simply like the idea of meeting one girl, and exploring this stuff with her privately. I obviously have completely the wrong mind set for a social gathering. So I guess I can rule those out.

Sorry if that was misleading. As with all new things, when you start to explore them, you clarify what you think as you go. I don't want to be "involved" in the scene. While I'm not opposed to it, and would happily experience some adventures with kinksters if they were to happen, I am actually more of a private person sexually, and at that time of life where I am looking to make someone my queen for the rest of my/her life.

I guess I am here to gain a better understanding of myself, how my desires might fit into a normal relationship, the psychology of the kind of girl I'm looking for, how the kink could sustainably grow ... all those interesting areas ... and I guess if I was fortunate enough to meet someone here, that's just an unlikely bonus.

I think these labels could wind me up too. They're just like music genre labels. They apparently just become more and more granular, in an attempt for people to easily categorize themselves, until you reach a point where interpretations are different, because the lines they attempt to draw become blurred. I would put it to anybody who defines their relationship with a label, and becomes offended by it being misinterpreted, that you victimized yourself by putting yourself into a box and sliding yourself under the stamping shoe of that person's ignorance.

Basically, I think just sticking with Dominant will be granular enough for me and allow me the freedom to not be misjudged.

As for "direction", I don't want any direction in the bedroom unless I ask for it myself. That would spoil the dynamic for me. But outside the bedroom, I'm chasing a truly equal relationship, so I want all the pointers and suggestions and requests she'd want to give me for next time. I may then choose to ask if I'm meeting her request when we're next at it, but that'd be my choice (but typically I would ask if I was attempting to fulfil her request). I guess since I don't want to 'play' with multiple partners in the scene, but instead just want to meet one person and have a full relationship, I'll have the luxury of discussing all of this at our leisure without any pressures to get a particular encounter right.

Basically, totally open and mutual communications outside the bedroom, one sided tyrannical discipline inside it.

I've miscommunicated myself if I came across as associating dominance with lack of caring. I've been dominant in all of my relationships and always been very caring. The difficulty is with things like pain and non-consent, which are not caring acts, and therefore cause conflict. I totally understand they ARE caring acts if they provide pleasure for the person who wishes to receive them and are provided in a safe and trustworthy way with the intention of enriching that person's happiness .... that would be 50% of my motivation to do them (the other 50% being to indulge my own selfish dark desires). But having never been with someone who has the desires to explore my limits, it's new ground I can only speculate on.

By that measure, online dating is shallow. I mean, after all, your only purpose in online dating is to meet a girl.

I didn't really get that CutieMouse. The entire point of online dating is to meet someone to date, therefore going onto it to meet someone to date cannot be shallow, as that is the entire depth of online dating. Whereas, the munches obviously have far more depth (socialising, friends, learning stuff, support), so going just to date would be using it (and the people) for one small part of the point of it, and would therefore be shallow. That's what I meant by shallow.

Your relationship sounds like a proper win though CutieMouse. I must admit, it's far harder for me to find someone that I genuinely like in a relationship sense than enjoy sleeping with, so the focus for me definitely had to be on finding someone like me first who I can have a life with. It's just that I know that having the kink in common can be a good foundation for a dynamic and vibe which persists through everything ... that is what I'm look for, and hence why I'm open to having that in common first.

Plus I think exploring and knowing myself better can only help with stability for my future lady when I meet her.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Thanks Malefica. This gave me some food for thought and at least helped me better understand how I might fit in.

"Service Top". Hadn't heard of this, so looked it up, and definitely no ... I don't enjoy any direction

"Master" definitely no. I've never been interested in the slave dynamic, as I get too much from emotional connection, and this is too extreme for me

"Daddy Dom", I'd never heard of this either, so looked it up, and another definite no. That little brat dynamic is not going to work for me.

I definitely want to respect my sub as an equal, who relinquishes control to me, but I can admire. I guess a munch might well be the next step then.

It's nice to know it's possible, but I guess it takes a real meeting of motivations of both parties for it to be sustained. I was reading the other threads and seeing the trend of doms disappointing their subs by losing interest and intensity, and I guess that's a real possibility unless you're both maintaining the dynamic and keeping it fresh.

Well I do seem to attract them on some level. My last 3 girlfriends had non-consent fantasies, but then I think that's fairly common. The thing is, I don't really exude these thoughts in my day life, so how would these two opposite sides of the coin notice each other? And that ignores the fact I rarely meet single people now. I'm internet dating atm!



Maybe time to reactivate my Fetlife account then. A munch does seem like the way forward. It also seems like a weird concept to head out to one of those with no experience and nobody that I know in person that's ever been to one. I guess it's like MeetUp (which I haven't used either) for kinksters?

Not all of us are brats *stomps my foot*
Truly, not all of us are!

 

[DemiAngora]

Join Fetlife.

 

[MastersDelight]

I skimmed so forgive me if I say something someone already did.

I was REALLY hung up on names and titles when we started. I'm not anymore, because one person's definition of a "Daddy" is going to be different than someone else's.

I don't identify as a little. But sometimes I like to color, make slime, play with glitter, or watch Disney movies.

I don't identify as a slave. But I am naturally service oriented, especially to my Master.

I don't identify as a brat. But I do like mouthing off sometimes if I know he's in the right mood for it.

I don't identify as a slut. (unless you put "pain" in front of it ). But I enjoy sex a lot, and will do just about anything for him to satisfy me.

When someone asks me what I am I simply say submissive. Because that lets them know what side of the slash I'm on. But I don't really fit into a single category. And that's ok. I don't need to. I don't want to conform to a single title.

I guess what I'm getting at is don't get too hung up on "where you fit". But work on carving out your own shape in the BDSM world. You'll be a whole lot happier.

 

[Monica_112]

I don't think you have to be "community" I think you just have to be open to play within a relationship.

Fetlife isn't the only way

I've never been scene but I'd say more often than not I've ended up with a sexual control dynamic.

And yes lots of people seem to enjoy the non-consent style of play. So much so it doesn't even sound kinky to me, Maybe I should worry about that

 

[KayceeCharles]

There is nothing wrong with being a "switch" (can flip from dom to sub and back again, though preferably not in the same scene).

And to the OP, there definitely are doms who's not into pain play.

However, having a sub, even one that doesn't wear a collar, is NOT a step to be taken lightly. You need a very trusting partner, who, for the duration of scene (or life, should she chooses) virtually entrusts you of her life (within the limits of the negotiated contract and terms, if you want to be formal).

If you really want to explore that side, I'd say find a BDSM club in your area and observe the dynamics, learn from the existing doms there and if they permit so, play with their subs within the boundaries set by their doms. Make sure you know what you want.

Once you're certain it's a lifestyle choice, THEN you can go search for a sub.