To Ghost or To Be Ghosted, that is the question?

[Paul_Chance]

One of the factors to filter in when some says "I was ghosted" is that you're only hearing one side of the story. Yes, being ghosted sucks - but, I would bet in a high percentage of the cases, the other side had their reasons that, if we heard them, would make us go "oh, that makes sense". I suspect that some of the people complaining about being ghosted were, if fact, broken up with but didn't want to hear or accept the reason. I'd bet a high percentage of them know why they were ghosted...but just can't/won't accept it.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I see your point of reason, BUT, that is not relevant to the people your reasoning does not apply to.

Just out of curiosity, do you know anyone where you've known or heard both sides of the ghost story? I don't. IRL I might know both sides of a breakup story, but online - it's rare.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Another important point you make, however, that’s the main premise for the OPs thread, I think. Some of the people who have been ghosted want to know why, because there was no apparent reason TO THEM in the dialogue before the silence.

Sadly, some of the ghosters spread negative talk around to others in their social group(s) as a form of what…? Gossip? Sympathy? To elevate their own self worth? What? They do significant damage to another even more so. Would you advocate for these people?

I think, on either side, the ghostee or the ghosted, people talk about it for all the many complex and varied reasons people talk about their old relationships - and you illuminated a handful of those reasons.

How many times IRL have you known both sides, considered both as friends and stayed in contact after the breakup and you've heard wildly different accounts of the end of the relationship? That's fairly common.

Common enough that the amicable breakup is rare and generally admired. I generally advocate for all people - simply because this being human is tough and everyone has their story.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I think it's hilarious that the guy who let people close to him think he died, and came back with a new alt less than a month later, is in this thread saying "goodbyes are polite". I won't talk about why his other alts have been banned. Of course, he thinks I'm filled with hate. It's actually disgust that he is a creep.

As far as ghosting, I don't think the natural ending of conversations is ghosting. There are just some people we won't connect with and it's much like being at party...you move on to converse with others, even if you're in the same room.

However, if there's time and emotion involved, if there's a pattern of talking every day, good morning/night messages, and a clear connection and that suddenly stops, it's gut wrenching. One questions if they are okay or whether they did/said something wrong. It's rude, but "easy" to walk away from others simply by not returning messages or blocking them

 

[lanceGibs]

I think it's hilarious that the guy who let people close to him think he died, and came back with a new alt less than a month later, is in this thread saying "goodbyes are polite". I won't talk about why his other alts have been banned. Of course, he thinks I'm filled with hate. It's actually disgust that he is a creep.

As far as ghosting, I don't think the natural ending of conversations is ghosting. There are just some people we won't connect with and it's much like being at party...you move on to converse with others, even if you're in the same room.

However, if there's time and emotion involved, if there's a pattern of talking every day, good morning/night messages, and a clear connection and that suddenly stops, it's gut wrenching. One questions if they are okay or whether they did/said something wrong. It's rude, but "easy" to walk away from others simply by not returning messages or blocking them

It is nice to see that this barefoot girl has emotions and rational thinking as different from her one track personna
Yes if there is an emotional connection and you break it ,it amounts to ghosting and is bad .

 

[Cernunnos69]

I agree 100%. Couldn’t have put it better myself.

I recently experience being ghosted after chatting for over 6 months and it was quite unpleasant. I would never do this to someone so it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around. Playing with someone’s emotions is cruel and reprehensible, in my opinion. Even if you aren’t emotionally involved, suddenly stopping all contact is simply rude.

I am someone who prefers closure. It helps me move on, but I also appreciate input so I can grow and learn as a person. Not everyone is like this, I know. It just seems sad that common courtesy isn’t so common anymore.

Replied to your PM to me, check it out.

 

[Fibella]

At that time, simply bow out of the conversation and wish them well. I don’t agree with your totally selfish “Do I need this?” reason for being discourteous to said person.

Define “bad” please? Some things I would imagine are:
- Criminal behavior/threats to you or your loved ones (in which case I would also file criminal charges against them with the police)
- Hateful, harsh or disrespectful behavior toward you

Just because you don’t agree with someone about some things in life, does not justify ghosting them—I see this as very selfish and coming from someone who is emotionally immature.

Throwing a safe word even if it's online and the ignore it. Especially if you have to keep repeating. Or even just once I'd rather just yeet myself from the convo than have triggers. Especially if it's the first day of contact.
It's easier to just dip from a conversation the earlier into contact it is.
The ghosted can also feel bad but if I get sent a dm that makes me uncomfortable in the person's opening line I'm not inclined to reply. In a way that's probably more upfront than trying to let them down slowly.

Bad doesn't have to be hateful or harsh and disrespectful can feel very different on the other end. Which is hard for say someone who doesn't have to worry about the fact they are weaker or in a minority.

 

[Fibella]

Very legitimate point!

Yeah like if you had full confidence you might not feel the need to dip but you know things can escalate quickly and would rather leave before the worst occurs. Yet you'll still feel guilty second guessing if it was all just a misunderstanding

 

[tulsa4taboo]

Personally I live by the rule that when I communicate with someone online I treat them as if it was face to face. It's to easy to let anonymity show disrespect and bad behavior. The person on the other end is just that a human being with feelings and emotions.

Bad people exist and ghosting does have it's time. However I think in those situations received or giving both people are probably aware why it happened or at least it wasn't working leading up to that point.

I am a man and can only speak to my gender. Men online often treat women as objects forgetting women are driven by emotions. It's easy for a man to forget that he should be paying attention and listening to what she is actually saying. Although it is at times difficult I am yet to meet a woman who won't let me know what she needs. Don't let anonymity cause you to be a creep, indifferent, or rude guys. Next time you talk to a woman online listen to her and act like you are physically in front of her. Maybe you two click maybe you don't but anything less than being yourself is a lie, online or real world.

P.S. I force myself to ready each reply I receive from a woman twice. Before ever responding to her I make sure I have really listened. Communication is understanding the message and the meaning.

 

[Strixaluco]

I am genuinely curious though.. what do you see as ghosting? And does it only apply after you've established a connection?

The most common conversation I experience on here goes like this..
Random guy: Hi there, I'm RandomGuy. How are you today?
Me: I'm good, thanks. And you?
Random guy: I'm good too.
Silence.

Am I ghosting him if I don't reply after that?

I wouldn't count that as ghosting. You merely did not pick up the ball he let fall on the ground. Probably because you barely even participated in the conversation to start with.

Actually to meet this seems similar to the Random guy knocking on your shoulder in a bar to introduce himself, you just looking at him over your shoulder to answer, and when the silence happens you just turned back to another conversation you were already having with your friend.

 

[Fibella]

I have stopped communicating with a number of women for a number of reasons all of which we both discussed the futility in try to continue (schedules, serious drama in their life, wanting money, obvious mental issue(s), or we agreed to move on amicably… and others I cannot recall).

*makes plans to mug you for money*

 

[Fibella]

I live by the rule that when I communicate with someone online I treat them as if it was face to face. It's to easy to let anonymity show disrespect and bad behavior.

Oh I'm all about being consistent. I will get up and run from people irl aswell if I feel the need is there.
Like I mean they trigger the creepy radar I stop mid convo and get the hell out of dodge.
It also worked extremely well for peer pressure. No one bothers trying to pressure someone who will get up and leave the oarty so to speak...

 

[Fibella]

Goodbyes are polite

But so many people take a polite goodbye to mean please keep trying to convince me otherwise

 

[AnnieLit]

Define “bad” please? Some things I would imagine are:
- Criminal behavior/threats to you or your loved ones (in which case I would also file criminal charges against them with the police)
- Hateful, harsh or disrespectful behavior toward you

- forgetting where my hard limits are. After they were discussed twice. Or crossing them intentionally. I don't really care which it is because in my book these are equally bad.
- Lying. Especially on topics that could have been easily avoided altogether. I don't ask too many personal questions, at least not early on in a relationship, and I never insist on getting the answers, but if he volunteers details about his age, marital status, education, whatever else, they better be true. Do I really care if he is married? No. But I do care that he doesn't respect his wife enough to lie about her existence.

In role playing it's ok to present yourself as a 35 yo single history professor that enjoys morning jogging even if you are a 60 yo married office janitor that dropped out of HS and never jogged in your life. If you can pull off the illusion and stay in character - good for you! But that applies only to roleplaying. If we are in a relationship, or if we are trying to build one, or if I think that we are trying to build one, personal details better be either true or omitted.

 

[Fibella]

How can I correct my behavior if I don't learn from my mistakes.

People have to consent and be willing to serve as your teacher. If someone doesn't get the message after a few attempts I feel even if I try I am not going to be able to help them learn.

 

[Fibella]

- forgetting where my hard limits are. After they were discussed twice. Or crossing them intentionally. I don't really care which it is because in my book these are equally bad.
- Lying. Especially on topics that could have been easily avoided altogether. I don't ask too many personal questions, at least not early on in a relationship, and I never insist on getting the answers, but if he volunteers details about his age, marital status, education, whatever else, they better be true. Do I really care if he is married? No. But I do care that he doesn't respect his wife enough to lie about her existence.

In role playing it's ok to present yourself as a 35 yo single history professor that enjoys morning jogging even if you are a 60 yo married office janitor that dropped out of HS and never jogged in your life. If you can pull off the illusion and stay in character - good for you! But that applies only to roleplaying. If we are in a relationship, or if we are trying to build one, or if I think that we are trying to build one, personal details better be either true or omitted.

To play devils advocate:
On the other side of the coin i feel like people forget early internet education. You'll never know who someone truly is on the internet.
Social media lulled people into a false sense that they can connect on the internet. Really you will never know so don't go looking to bond with more than the words they are typing.

 

[AnnieLit]

But so many people take a polite goodbye to mean please keep trying to convince me otherwise

And feel that they were ghosted after they were *told* it is over more than once.

This is very much going back to the question that was asked above - do you know both sides of a story? Do you ever feel the same sympathy to the ghosted party after you hear out the ghoster?

 

[Fibella]

And feel that they were ghosted after they were *told* it is over more than once.

This is very much going back to the question that was asked above - do you know both sides of a story? Do you ever feel the same sympathy to the ghosted party after you hear out the ghoster?

I've been ghosted. They came back ten years later. We are good friends now.
I like to think everyone has a reason and I'm sad they couldn't say theirs but I won't hold a grudge over it

 

[AnnieLit]

To play devils advocate:
On the other side of the coin i feel like people forget early internet education. You'll never know who someone truly is on the internet.
Social media lulled people into a false sense that they can connect on the internet. Really you will never know so don't go looking to bond with more than the words they are typing.

Well, it is all about choices. I *choose* to believe that yes, it is possible to truly connect. Will we be a good match if he *chooses* otherwise? No. But I don't see why this has to be my problem.

PS: I have been in an online relationship for 4+ years now, so you will have really hard time convincing me that it's impossible.

As for bonding with the words... Isn't that what you do in real life too? Nobody knows what's going on in another person's head.

 

[AnnieLit]

I've been ghosted. They came back ten years later. We are good friends now.
I like to think everyone has a reason and I'm sad they couldn't say theirs but I won't hold a grudge over it

When they came back, did they explain what happened? Why they left the way they did? Did their explanation make sense to you?

 

[Fibella]

Well, it is all about choices. I *choose* to believe that yes, it is possible to truly connect. Will we be a good match if he *chooses* otherwise? No. But I don't see why this has to be my problem.

PS: I have been in an online relationship for 4+ years now, so you will have really hard time convincing me that it's impossible.

As for bonding with the words... Isn't that what you do in real life too? Nobody knows what's going on in another person's head.

I like your reply. Because you will never know what another person is thinking.
I guess I mean you can't bond with a smell or any other sensory feeling.
irl or online. You will never be able to know anything for sure. IRL just smells and has texture.

 

[tulsa4taboo]

As the person who started this thread I want to say thank you to all of you regardless of your views and opinions. Talking helps all of us see each others perspectives and maybe in the end treat each other better.

 

[Fibella]

When they came back, did they explain what happened? Why they left the way they did? Did their explanation make sense to you?

they explained a little. I told them I figured they had reasons and no need to hash out the past. I wouldn't go search someone's house if they didn't show up to a meet up I'm the same irl. Obviously something happened they felt the need to not be there. Can it be a sucky feeling? Yes. Can I control the world? No.
I mean I'd do the same if I felt it was necessary. How could I hold it against them.
I think we were back in contact 2 years before I got most of the story.
In a way I guess it's a relief to think if someone doesn't want to be in contact, they won't be. And when they are I know they do?

 

[Fibella]

Now if someone asks for my honest opinion then gets mad I didn't lie to them... I'm sorry the brides maids dresses would look terrible in that colour or, yes I can tell you are 8 months pregnant the baby seems big and healthy why do you ask?

 

[DaddysYogaBabyGirl]

Being 23 years old I have been ghosted on this site and others. Ghosting works two ways. I'm tired of grown men whining about how women ghost them without substantial proof. Granted, there are hundreds of money users and fake usernames on here ... After some long chats they just abruptly stop and end. Why?? Many mornings I will awaken to find more than 60 private messages from men from all over the country. Full body nudes, GIF's of sex acts, and the unsolicited DICK PICK. I sort through them and over time I keep in steady chat with a dozen older men who enjoy graphic Age Gap role play, or intimate sexual chat they don't get from the woman in their lives. There are also some very lonely men who enjoy just venting about their DEAD BED marriages and they want to chat with an sympathetic ear and heart. A kind shoulder to lean on. When some chats die off through no fault of my own I first reach out and act WHY? When they don't respond I simply move on. You shift through the bad apples and the rotten eggs and the fakes in order to keep the gems and the true online friends that enhance the social media experience.