Joesephus
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2005
- Posts
- 279
What I would like most is feedback about the characters and the morality of their actions.
Second, and a very close second, I would like feed back about my style and language use. I'm not a native English speaker, but I really work to sound that way. Please don't cut me any slack on the language or usage. I really am a jock, and I'm used to abusive coaches... they're the best kind. I mean it when I say if you can't make me run wind sprints you can't hurt me. So please be as tough as you can!
This is a long story, but that's the norm for me, why use one word when you can stretch it to a few pages:
{{NOTE from the moderator: The story is about 16,000 words. There is a convenient stopping point marked at about 6200 words and the sentence, “Okay Matt, if that’s what you want, I’ll do it your way.”}}
As always I'd like to thank my editor Erik Thread for his hard work and advise. This isn't the story I wrote the first time, or the second or even the third. However, the last one Erik saw was the third, so I know I've made errors since he last fixed this.
I'd also like to thank fdkman262 who gave me some great insight into what I'd written as opposed to what I needed to write. It's a much better story because of his advise and skill as a writer.
** ** ** ** **
I was lying on our bed, lost in an erotic glow when I heard the garage door activate. ‘Shit!” I blurted. Vaulting to my feet, I glanced at the clock 10:45! No! She couldn’t be home yet! "Oh Shit! Shit! Shit! SHIT!"
I looked at our bedroom, the rose petals, the champagne and wondered if my whole life was about to crumble around me...
I'm an architect, and I'd been on my own for about a year. I’d been working incredible hours because with only one client, my staff consisted of me, myself and I. My office was in an abandoned gas station. I'd tried to have an office at home, but I found I was taking too many breaks to spend time with Judy and the girls. We had identical twin girls who were born nine weeks before I graduated from the University of Texas six years ago. They hadn't been planned, but we were overjoyed.
We both wanted a large family, but something had gone wrong during the birth process, and she’d had never been able to get pregnant again. We'd tried some fertility treatments, but although the doctors had been certain some of the newer techniques would be successful, we'd decided to put them off because of expenses when I struck out on my own.
Judy had stayed home with the girls until I opened my office. Money was tight, and we’d needed an extra salary. So, without complaint she started working for an oil company as an executive assistant. Judy thought her job had the prefect hours for a working mother. Monday to Thursday she didn’t go in until nine and she was off at three. Great hours, except on Fridays when she had to be at the airport for a 7:10 AM flight to Dallas to facilitate her boss’s weekly meetings. The airport was a twenty-minute mad dash from our house, or thirty if you drove the speed limit.
It made for a long day because they didn't leave Dallas until 6:25 and Judy rarely walked in the door before 8:15. Then, almost four months ago, it got much worse. Judy's boss got a promotion and the meetings started running longer. After they missed a few planes and had to pay a premium, they began to simply schedule the final flight, which didn't arrive in Midland until 9:55. It was generally close to eleven when Judy got home. I hadn’t been happy about it but since Judy didn’t complain, I didn’t say anything.
Tonight was supposed be pure fun and great sex! Now... now it looked like everything was going to be ruined! I glanced at the clock, again, 10:45! No, she couldn't be home!
I heard her car pulling into the garage. Why was she arriving home now, the time when she'd get in if the plane landed on time? But I knew the plane wasn't on time, because, out of character, I’d checked on the flight. I had wanted everything timed perfectly for when she walked through the door.
In a disoriented fog, I glanced around the room one more time. I saw the bowl of rose petals I’d planned to strew across the bedspread. The champagne in the ice bucket I’d rented from the liquor store. I thought of the "caramelized pecan apple pie" I bought at HEB. It took an hour to cook the frozen pie and I’d only put it in the oven a half hour ago. I'd also picked up the HEB store brand "1905 vanilla ice cream" to top it. Hot apple pie with ice cream is Judy’s favorite dessert, and it was one of the few things I could cook.
For a few precious seconds I was distraught that she’d ruined my surprise for her. This was a big day for us. I had learned today that the first house I’d designed had won a Frank Lloyd Wright prize! For an architect that’s like… like winning the Nobel Prize!
I'd debated announcing the prize at a family dinner, but I'd decided I wanted to make my announcement to Judy alone, make it the start of a romantic weekend before we again started the very un-sexy process of the fertility treatments. With all the business the prize would generate we should be able to afford the very best. I hoped Judy would be delighted.
So, the twins were with my folks on one of their weekend RV trips to sightsee. I had told them I'd have big news when we all went out for dinner Sunday night.
I heard the garage door activate to close, but Judy shouldn't be here yet. My long denied suspicions formed ranks and began a brutal assault on both my head and my heart. While my gut had been telling me she was having an affair, my heart continued to deny it. What do I really know? I asked myself.
Her recent habit of going straight to the hot tub when she got home on Friday started about the time of the late flights. She wouldn’t even change into a bathing suit first, she’d just hop in wearing her bra and panties. She called it “Momma’s come down time.” I now felt sure it was a terrible play on words; Judy had always been clever that way.
Since the late flights began, we never make love on Fridays when she comes home. She's too tired from work. But before the late flights began, when she arrived only a couple hours earlier, she practically attacked me when she got home from Dallas. If I hadn't been so pleasantly shocked, I would asked her about it. Before those Fridays, I could count on the fingers of one hand the times she'd initiated sex, and still have fingers and a thumb left over. Yet for over a month, she'd barely waited until the girls were down.
After she'd started the late flights, it never happened again. She was still as responsive as ever when I wanted to fool around, but never on Fridays. Of course that could make sense after putting in an eighteen hour day... but...
Her prattle about work had changed too. So had our social life. When she first started working, we frequently went to small gatherings with her co-workers, and she would rave about how wonderful her boss was. I remembered being jealous when I kept hearing about his incredible business acumen, or when I listened to her drone on and on about his resemblance to Sean Connery, in his prime, of course. Then about three or four months ago, she stopped talking about him, and we stopped seeing her co-workers. I remember being relieved because my own hectic schedule left me too drained to enjoy the evenings out. Now, I was certain it she changed because of a more sinister reason.
As the reasons continued to percolate, the most damning of all surfaced. I couldn't remember the last time she'd told me she loved me. The last time she'd given me one of her loving pecks on the cheek or and unsolicited hug. Judy had always been a demonstrative woman, and now she wasn't. At least not with me!
I froze mid-thought. I wanted to scream my denial. Judy, my Judy, the woman who taught me the difference between making love and fucking, the only woman I’d ever made love to, couldn't be about to walk in soiled from her lover's bed! That image threatened to overwhelm me. Then she called out, “Matt, where are you? I’m so glad to be home!” Her voice sounded so normal, her tone just didn't fit the mental image I'd formed.
I shook my head, it couldn't be, not my Judy, maybe I'd been looking at the wrong flight. Or maybe the plane had made up the time somehow.
In three strides I was at the computer in our bedroom. I hit the escape button and the screen saver cleared. I clicked the refresh button. There, displayed on the screen, was her flight number with the notation. It was going to be another half hour before it landed! I looked back at our bed, rumpled from where I’d been lying, and for a second I wanted to run away. I wanted to retreat back to the land of denial, but I'm not made that way. The question was in the open now and I had to have an answer.
Tumbling down the stairs, I knew I wasn't speaking, but I felt a guttural sound forming deep in my throat. When I got to the enclosed deck Judy had already shed her blouse and was unzipping her slacks. I came up behind her and grabbed her in a rough bear hug.
“Matt, please you know how tired I am when I get back, let me relax until tomor…” As I began to push my hand into her panties she began to squirm in my arms.
“No Matt, maybe later… NO MATT! She was squirming harder but as my hand worked its way toward her thatch she became frantic. Twisting violently and with surprising strength, she burst free and shouted, “DAMN IT. I SAID NO!” She stood there panting from the effort and glaring at me. I moved toward her, my intention clear. Her eyes got very big and she said in a quiet voice that stopped me in my tracks. “No Matt, not this way. I won’t let you find out this way.”
I don't think I'd actually processed what I was doing until that second. Those thirteen words, left me as pole-axed as a bull at a slaughter house. I was as surely in medical shock as if she'd shot me. I looked at her and... I felt nothing. I couldn't understand it. I knew my world had just been destroyed yet I felt nothing. I was preternaturally calm. I tried to feel something, anything, but there was nothing there.
In a voice so calm I had trouble believing it was mine I said, "You wouldn’t do this to us unless you loved him. Did you ever love me?"
Her face turned tender, “I did love you. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t mean for this… I never wanted this to happen. I never thought it would be like this, I'll always…”
I didn't want to hear any more. I cut her off, "Are you going to marry him?”
There was a charged silence, I stared at her silently demanding an answer. She bit her lower lip, "It's come up, he's been pushing me to decide, I'm so confused, I just haven't been able..."
I cut her off again. “Please do me the courtesy of going back to his place. I just figured this whole sordid affair out because your flight hasn’t landed yet. I need time alone to think this through.”
Judy moved towards me, her face full of compassion intending to take me in her arms as she said, “Oh Matt, I’m so sorry I wish this never got started. Please let me explain it to you, I’m so sorry you found out this way…”
I pulled back, feeling like I might have been made from the most delicate of cut glass crystal, knowing that at her slightest touch I would shatter, irreparably. I took another step back my hand extended to stop her. "Please, just get what you need and leave. Mom and Dad have taken the girls on one of their rambles. They'll be out of contact until Sunday evening. We'll talk Sunday afternoon. I don't want to see or hear from you before then." I was trembling. In a distant part of my brain some part of me wondered if it was rage, fear or a heart attack.
She looked at me her eyes pleading, opened her mouth to speak and I cut her of with firm "No!"
A flicker of fear passed over her face, she sighed and went to our bedroom. The numbness returned. I went into the den, sat heavily in my recliner and wondered just how long the gray void in my mind would last. I have no idea how much time passed before she returned. Her expression was wistful, but I also something I'd only seen when she'd been told she could never have another child.
"Matt? I saw what you had planned, I… I didn't mean to spoil it... If you would like...”
The words hit me like a thunder clap. The BITCH! She was offering me a mercy fuck! A sloppy seconds mercy fuck at that! I started to get out of my chair, she saw my face, sobbed and fled. She must have sat in her car for a while because it was several minutes before I heard the garage door open, then close.
As soon as I heard the garage door thunk closed, I slumped back in my chair and the colorless void descended again. I don't know how long I sat there, my mind a perfect Zen blankness before I fell asleep.
I awoke in a rage from a vivid dream of Judy making love to her boss. It hadn't been wild illicit sex but tender love. Every part of my body groaned as I arose from my chair, every joint screaming abuse, but I was also burning with a type of anger I'd never experienced. I stomped back to our bedroom. “OUR BEDROOM!” There was no more ‘us,’ there could be no more ‘our.’ In a red haze I grabbed the champagne bottle from the cooler and I smashed anything breakable… until I was poised over the delicate Dresden figurine of a young woman, with a hundred petty coats covered by a pale blue ball gown and holding a faun. It was Judy's only inheritance from her grandmother. As much as I wanted to smash that six inch high china doll I just couldn’t.
I looked around the room. I'd annihilated it, and I didn’t feel one bit better. I looked at the champagne bottle in my hand and marveled that it hadn’t broken. Not thinking I tore off the wrapper, untied the cork and pulled it out with a loud pop. The bubbly shot out, just like you see in the movies. I had never been a wine snob, but as a kid I'd once read a biography of the Rothschild family. I'd promised myself that if I ever "made it big" I'd celebrate with the one of the most expensive champagnes in the world, Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac. I drank directly from the heavy glass bottle and I vowed I'd never touch the stuff again. It tasted like shit. It didn’t put me to sleep either, but exhaustion did and I slept again. I didn’t dream, thank God.
I awoke a few hours later as the first light filtered through the window. Whatever type of rage I'd had was gone and my mind had retreated to that numbness. I was dead inside. I tried to summon anger, then sadness, and I got nothing. My marriage was over, I understood that, but my mind refused to accept the reality. Instead it looked for answers in the past.
Judy and I had met while I was at the University of Texas. She attended Southwestern University in Georgetown and played soccer on their Div III team. I played club soccer at UT and had put together a group to enter in a seven a side tournament held on SU's fields.
Judy had come out to watch, and caught my eye. I made a total ass of myself, trying to show off. We didn't even advance in the tourney we'd won the year before and would win the year after. Judy, bless her heart, pretended not to notice. From that day on we were inseparable. Driving the 26.8 miles up and down I35, we burned enough gas to fill the strategic reserve, but who cared.
She was a virgin when we met, I'd had one girlfriend in high school who I'd fucked seventy-three times before we broke up. Yes, I counted, and I couldn't imagine how anyone couldn't keep track of something as important as that! I knew Judy and I were destined to get married when I lost count of how many times we made love, not fucked but made love, on our first weekend together. It was in a nice room at the Four Seasons near the airport after the tri delt's, spring formal on a Friday night. The funny thing though was we didn't made love Friday night. As we were getting undressed Judy freaked out. She said she couldn't, not without a permanent commitment.
Naked, I got on one knee I asked Judy to marry me. Clad in her bra and panties while clutching the sheet to cover her, she accepted... but still wanted a ring! I spent the night on the floor. We were at Americus Diamond out by Highland Mall as soon as their doors were open, and I bought one I thought she would always be proud to wear. Back at our room we exchanged private vows before God as I slipped the ring on her finger.
As we kissed, I slid my hand down her back to her very tight and muscular ass. She snuggled into me and I was rock hard. With a sigh she pulled me to the bed. Without breaking our kiss she slowly sat then reclined.
I slipped my hand under her blouse and she took a deep breath to expand her smallish breast up to me while her tongue made its first ever entry into my mouth. I moved my hand from her breast to her thigh and slowly moved up under her pleated skirt. After a short hesitation she opened for me and her kiss deepened.
When my fingers reached her panties, the most intimate we'd been to that point, they were soaked through. As my fingers moved under her panties, her whole body began to tremble. I broke our kiss, pulled back and looked down on her. Her eyes had been clenched shut but now fluttered open. Looking up at me she gave me a nervous smile and slowly arched her back pushing against my hand. To make her point very clear, she used her free hand to pull up both her blouse and her bra baring her breast for me as she said "kiss me" softly.
Complying, I began to circle my tongue around her areola. Then I opened my mouth as wide as I could and took most of her breast into my mouth. I speared my tongue onto her nipple pushing it into her softness. For the very first time I heard her actually gasp in sexual pleasure.
Taking advantage of her passion and wetness, I pushed my finger inside her for the very first time. She flinched, but her hymen allowed entry, and it didn't tear. When my finger was all the way in I curled it up to search for her G spot.
I pulled off her breast and looked at her. She gave me a puckish but embarrassed grin, and pulled me back to her breast. As I took it back into my mouth I heard her sigh in pure sexual pleasure.
I knew I'd found her G spot when she began to squirm and shift to bring us fully up on the bed. I pulled my finger out as we repositioned ourselves, then I started to pull her panties off. Her reaction was immediate. She clutched them for a second then looking into my eyes and begged, "Please don't look at me down there, please, promise."
I nodded but vowed that this was one hang-up that we'd banish before we left the room. I'd learned to love giving head and I knew that Judy would too, but this wasn't the time to push.
Judy swallowed hard and using both hands she managed to keep her skirt from moving up as I pulled her panties down. She looked so vulnerable as she tentatively opened her legs barely enough to allow my hand between them. I kissed her and said softly. "Would you like to get under the sheets?"
She looked so relieved, I almost smiled. As we crawled under the sheets I gave a little tug on her blouse and with another nervous smile she pulled it over he head. "I'm sorry I'm so small..."
"Sweet heart..." I paused, it was the first time I'd used that word and it sounded strange. I rolled it around in my head and decided I liked it. "Sweetheart, I've always been an ass man, and yours is prefect. But you know the old saying, 'anything more than a mouthful is wasted.' Well you already know that you've got more than a mouthful, and they're so perfectly shaped I'd hate to have them any bigger."
"Oh Matt," She said in a tone of disbelief, but her face flushed with pleasure. With that quick move only a woman can do, her bra disappeared and she pulled me to the breast that I'd yet to suckle.
When I moved my hand back between her thighs she opened a tiny fraction more, perhaps enough to allow my leg between them. I moved over her a bit and pushed on my hand with my upper thigh as my finger moved back inside her. Again she flinched as my finger stretched her hymen. Her whole body tensed until I again curled up to press her G spot. As soon as I found it she pressed hard against me, turning slightly to rub on my hand.
My problem was that she also rubbed on my cock which almost made me explode. I knew I should take more time, but I was afraid I wouldn't make it. Pulling out I practically ripped my pants off, only slowing to retrieve a condom from my billfold.
Trying to think of cold showers and the shriveled crone that taught me algebra in eighth grade I tore open the package and rolled it on. I tried, I really tried to go slow as I moved over her. I could see the apprehension in her eyes as my body forced her legs open enough to let me between them.
With a wan smile Judy pulled her knees back to give me access. I told her I loved her, pushed forward and felt her hymen rip. She winced and I came!
I was mortified. I'd never cum so much in my life, or gone soft so quickly. I tried. I squeezed the base of my cock trying to hold the blood in to stay hard. I tried to push that limp noodle into her, but all I accomplished was to pull out of my condom.
Judy didn't say word but her quizzical expression spoke volumes. I blushed, "No, that's not supposed to be all there is, but... I just got too excited. I've wanted you so long you felt so good that I couldn't help it. The next time will be much better I promise."
Judy wasn't able to keep all the disappointment from her expression but her words were more than kind. "We've got a lifetime to get this right, and practice makes perfect. Are you ready to try again, now?"
I didn't have the courage or the heart to tell her that as much as I wished otherwise I required more than three minutes to re-charge. Instead I said, "I'd love to, but I only have one condom." I silently added in my billfold. "I'm going to need to run to a drug store to buy more."
Judy looked skeptical, after all I had rented the room for two nights when we checked in, but bless her heart she didn't say anything. I said, "I'm going to clean up a bit and be back in no time."
I didn't actually take that long. By the time I'd bought another box, to go with the box I had in my overnight bag, I knew I was ready. The second time started out worse than the first. Because the first condom had slipped off I decided to use two the second time. Unfortunately, I slipped them on before I was fully hard. Cutting off the blood flow they kept me from getting fully hard until tore one off.
With my pressure relieved, I was able to concentrate on Judy and brought her to an orgasm before I tried to enter her. The only other mistake I made was because neither of us knew that a hymen could be torn more than once. Since my first entry wasn't complete I'd only partially ripped it. The second time I was surprised when she yelped as I finished the job.
That was the only mistake that I'd made the rest of the weekend. By the time we left the room on Sunday, Judy loved oral sex as much as I did. Unlike my first girlfriend she was anxious to have me cum in her mouth, and she always swallowed.
We were married during the following Christmas holidays. We lived in Round Rock, and both finished a year later. Except for those first two times, I couldn't remember a single time when I wasn't certain that Judy enjoyed sex at least as much as I did. Thinking back to the last few times when we'd made love, I was certain that she'd been more than satisfied.
Nor had I been inattentive. Even with all the extra hours I'd been working she'd never said a word about being lonesome or needing more of my time. You've heard the expression "I worshiped the ground she walked on." In my case it was true. When we built this house, I made a trip back to Georgetown and took a grass plug from their soccer field. It was from the very the spot I'd first seen her. I bought enough sod of the same type of grass to make our yard, but that little plug was the first thing I planted. No, our sex life was the stuff of dreams. Our family life? Frankly, although Judy would never allow me anal, about the only thing we never tried, I was convinced her shit didn't stink.
I pursed my lips, I couldn't find the answers in our past. As I fixed myself a cup of Twinning's China Black tea, I tried again to summon some sort of emotion, even pain. I still felt nothing. I could generate faux feelings, but real emotion of any kind were just beyond me. I think my sub-conscious understood that I couldn't deal with the pain yet, and I didn't have the stamina for the rage I felt earlier. Besides, I needed to be unemotional if I was going to salvage anything from the fetid swamp where Judy had cast me.
I'd known our marriage was over as soon as I realized that she was cheating. As I was destroying the bedroom last night, I knew I wanted to hurt her, to punish her. I WAS surprised this morning to find that I'd slashed everything in her closet. I had shredded all of her underwear, and ripped up everything else in her closet. I hadn't even been aware that I'd gotten my fish filet knife from my tackle box until I saw it on the floor near the bed. That realization brought back memories of a boyhood friend and it terrified me.
Desperate not to revive that gruesome memory, I began to review what I knew about Judy's affair. First, she'd said she'd thought about marrying him. I wondered why that concept wasn't causing me pain. My mind shied away from even the image of a fully clothed Judy in that man's arms, but the idea of her getting married to him didn't seem to bother me at all.
I explored that line a bit further with that same unnatural detachment. I felt to the fiber of my being that Judy still loved me. I was certain that if I pushed it I could "win" her back. I knew all her levers, and I had the advantage of the twins and her own moral code. I knew how guilty she had to be feeling, and if I were honest how easy Judy is to manipulate.
I then thought about man who was fucking her. I knew a fair amount about her boss, James Capote. In his late forties, he'd been divorced from his second wife for over five years, with two children, a boy about to graduate from Midland Lee high school and a daughter two years behind him. According to Judy he was always trying to increase his access to them, but only had them every other weekend and alternating holidays. He didn't even get them over the summer.
I'd met him many times shortly after Judy started working, but not at all for the last three or four months. I didn't like him from the start. He had wandering eyes. Although I could understand him going after Judy, I had trouble believing that Judy could have actually fallen for him.
That line of thinking tempted me to go down the "what if" memory lane, or the "what did I do wrong" path. Instead, I went to my computer and began to research the divorce laws in Texas. I discovered that a divorce can be final in Texas in as little as 60 days after the filing. The decree had to be read in open court but the parties didn't even have to be there if it wasn't contested. The quicker this is over the better I thought.
There were forms you could print out, for a fee, and I gladly paid. I spent several hours thinking about what I wanted out of a settlement and how I could get Judy to agree to my terms. I finally decided that I wanted what was best for my girls. I thought about calling and cancelling our credit cards, emptying our bank accounts, but I decided that as much as I hated Judy right now, I didn't think she'd try to steal from me, or from our girls.
I wanted the house so the girls wouldn't have to move. We'd borrowed every penny of equity to help me start my business, which had only amounted to about ten grand. With the prize I'd be able to borrow what I needed to buy Judy out. With the award my business was going to be worth a fortune. I didn't want her, or more importantly that asshole Capote to have any claim. That was another reason to get this done quickly. The awarding of the prize wouldn't be made public until the big banquet in three months. The winners wouldn't be publicly announced until then, but it wasn't like the academy awards, the winner sometimes knew in advance. Held in New York City, I'd been given a heads up since I normally wouldn't have made plans to attend. Hell, if I wasn't winning a prize I couldn't have gotten a ticket.
Yes, that was another excellent reason to get this settled quickly. Which meant I had to provide a fair division if I wanted it done. I was torn between wanting everything that hinted at our life together gone and wanting to have as few changes made as possible for the girls. I decided that I'd have an appraiser come in a value everything we had, including the things I'd destroyed. I'd offer to buy replacement stuff in addition to her half of our property. We would alternate picking what we wanted until someone reached half the total value.
I went through the rest of the housekeeping details of how to sunder our relationship, making notes and adding specifics to the forms I'd bought. By evening I thought I had a plan I could live with and that Judy would readily accept. I realized that I hadn't eaten a thing all day and that the very thought of food turned my stomach. Still, if I was going achieve my goals, I'd need my strength. Not trusting my culinary skills I wondered what kind of food would go best with slicing up our life together. I ordered pizza.
As I ate my mind returned to what I could do to hurt Judy, to make her hurt. I knew that when I got past the denial stage the emotional pain was going to be unbearable. But how could I make her feel that kind of pain too. Leaving me wasn't going to hurt her, not like it was me. I mean sure there would be regrets, but she was leaving me for someone. I would be the one alone. There was nothing that I could do that would break her heart. Yet as much as I was in denial, as unacceptable as what she had done was, I didn't think I could stop loving her. After much internal debate and rationalizing I realized that it wasn't my choice to keep her or send her away. She made that choice when she accepted Capote into her body. Having a wife do that was something I would not live with, period.
If it wasn't my choice if she stayed or left, what was the worst that I could reasonably hope for? Then it came to me, the perfect solution. I still had to ask myself if I could pull it off. Judy had always been deferred to my wishes. It used to drive me nuts that I could never get her to tell me things like where she'd like to go out for dinner. She might pout later about my choice but she refused to ever give me her opinion unless I made an issue out of it.
Could I use that to push her into what I wanted her to do? Ultimately it would be her choice. Still, I knew I had a good shot. I knew her... perhaps not as well as I should have, but I did know what sorts of pressures she responded to, and I knew I could bring a lot of pressure... Late into the night I plotted and planned. This was going to take a very delicate touch.
Judy called a little after eight. I took several deep breaths before I answered. "Judy, you've made your choice; even if you didn't mean to you've made the choice for both of us. The question now is how this is going to affect the girls. You know divorce is always hard on kids, especially ones the girls' age. The question is, do you want a war or are we going to work to make it as easy on them as possible."
“Matt, please let me talk, I’m sorry I hurt you, I love you, I don’t want you to hate me… I never expected for it to get this far, but I still...”
I almost lost it when I heard the word LOVE “Judy, every time I hear your voice it just makes me hate you and what you’ve done more. Do you realize the effect this sorry affair is going to have on the twins? We're trying to raise them with values and morals. How are we going to explain that you threw away the most solemn vows a person can make for some recreational sex?"
Judy was sobbing, "It wasn't like that..."
"Oh really! Even after months you still hadn't decided to marry him. How's that going to sound to the girls?" I paused and let the silence linger. Then I continued, "I'm sorry, I managed to reach my folks and told them to plan on keeping the girls a little late. If you agree, I’ll have them brought over here at five and we can give them the news together. Otherwise I’ll tell them alone.
"I will be civil to you while we talk to the girls but that’s the last time I ever want to hear your voice until we’re divorced. I’m working very hard not to say the things I want to say. You will always be the mother of my children and we will have to talk about them. Just don’t push me right now.”
“Matt, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, it just…”
“Yeah I know it just worked out that way. Let’s get this done as quickly as possible. I’ll pay for an apartment for you, I just hope you don't plan to live with your asshole unless you get married. That would really wrap them." I paused and let my heart rate slow. "I’d like to keep as much of this sordid mess from them as I can. It’s up to you, you’re calling the shots.”
“Could I come right now and talk...”
“No.”
“Please Matt, I don’t want it to be this way…”
I cut her off. In my most forceful voice I said, “Our marriage has been over from the second you spread your legs for him" I sighed dramatically. "Whatever your reasons you killed it. So let’s just bury it as decently as we can." I paused for emphasis then said in a wistful tone, "I really hope you'll marry him. Not just for the girls, I think it'll make it easier on me too. I don't want to think you killed our marriage just for some hot sex..."
I then let the silence build. Finally Judy slumped and said, “Okay Matt, if that’s what you want, I’ll do it your way.”
** ** ** ** ** **
If there’s a hell, I’ve been there. The detachment stayed, or I think I would have died from the pain I saw in my little girls when Judy started the “You need to know that your daddy and I love you very much, but sometimes adults make mistakes…" talk.
She went on for several minutes using euphemism the girls didn’t understand. Finally I said as gently as I could, “Your mommy has fallen in love with another man and now she wants to marry him. I’ve said it was okay so we will need to get a divorce.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew that I would have done anything not to have said them. A poem by Omar Khayyam I learned in high school ricocheted around in my brain and I had to fight back the tears.
Nothing has changed in the ten centuries since he wrote that. My whole universe consisted of their two precious faces. I couldn’t even see the rest of their bodies, just two little masks of pain. I wasn’t much older than they when the father of a friend on my soccer team murdered his mother and then killed himself right in their living room. His little sister and my friend had been hiding in their room as their parents yelled at each other. The only thing he remembered hearing before the shots was his father yelling, “They’re better off with dead parents than this.”
There had been a terrible fight between his grandparents for custody, and his mom’s parents who lived in another state won. I never saw him again, but at that moment I knew just how his father had felt. It took every erg of my willpower not to get my gun and kill Judy. I’ve never hated anyone like that in my whole life. I thought I had, but until I saw what this was doing to my daughters I hadn't the tiniest inkling of what real hate was.
I know other things were said, the girls asked questions and Judy must have answered them. I couldn’t hear a sound. All I knew was that I was holding two waling little treasures. Finally a question penetrated, “But, Mommy why don’t you love Daddy anymore?”
I blinked and color returned to the world. I saw a creature, it couldn’t be human. No human could bear the pain written on the body that looked like Judy’s. Its face was a confused contortion of pain trying to radiate love to my daughters, “Mommy still loves Daddy, she will always love Daddy...”
I jumped in, "You won't understand this until you get older, but Mommy had to choose and she choose him. Sometimes people love more than one person but you can only be married to one. Mommy needs to be married to Mr. Capote, but we're all going to try to make this as easy on you as we can. Mr. Capote will love you very much, but I will always be your daddy. You're just getting an extra person to love you, just like mommy is."
Carrie, always the more demonstrative of the twins pulled herself out of my arms, rushed her mother and began to windmill blows on Judy using every ounce of her strength. Laurie followed her sisters lead a few seconds later but she’d picked up a long brass kaleidoscope from the coffee table. Her first blow cut Judy’s forehead just above her left eye. I grabbed Laurie back, but made no attempt to help Judy. Instead I said in a voice that sounded unnaturally cold, “You’ve upset the girls, I think you’d better go. I’ll let the Captain know when you can pick up your stuff.”
Judy stood, blood pouring over her eye, and walked into the kitchen to get ice and paper towels. When she returned a few minutes later both girls had their arms wrapped around me and were crying. Judy started to open her mouth but I cut her off. "You will be staying with the Captain won't you, or do you want the girls to only call you on your cell?"
Washing her face had taken off her makeup and her eye was swelling shut, but her voice was calm when she answered, "It's where I've been the last two nights. I haven't said anything yet... I hoped we'd talk to him as a family..."
I cut her off again, "Girls, please go to your room, your mother and I need to talk alone for a few minutes."
As soon as they'd left I said, "As much as I admire and love the Captain, he's your father and I think you need to tell him alone. Besides, I'm sure you'll want to start planning the wedding."
I took a deep breath, "I've got a packet with some legal papers I've drawn up. I'd like you to take them with you. This is my plan for how to divide our property and settle our affairs... sorry bad choice of words. I will agree to pretty much anything you want, except the girl's custody and your using my name... I'll relent on that if you marry Capote as soon as this is final, it'll help hide what happened from the girls, but either way, I want this over in the minimum time, which is sixty days from Monday.
"I sort of lost it a minute ago, but if you'll agree, we can meet with our lawyer in the morning and work out a deal. I'm sure your boss will give you the day off and I want the papers filed by tomorrow night. If we can do that, I'll promise to do everything I can to help your relationship with the girls. I'll never tell them, the Captain, or anyone else that you're a lying cheating whore who tore up our happy home."
Judy had been looking like she wanted to interrupt but her tears finally started to fall. Without a word she turned and walked quietly out the door.
When I finally got the girls down for the night, I retired to my chair. I put my head in my hands and I whispered, "The Captain, oh shit, this is going to kill him. I'm so sorry this had to happen to him; he doesn't deserve this!!"
Judy's father had retired as an admiral, although he never served in that rank and refused to use the title. His last command had been one of the super aircraft carriers. A botched landing when he was riding backseat with a pilot new to the ship had left him paralyzed from the waist down. Although I had never been able to think of him as crippled, he lived in a wheelchair and had to pee through a tube. Judy, a very late first child, was fathered just before his accident.
Judy's mother had passed away from cancer when Judy was still in junior high, and the Captain raised her all by himself. I've never met a finer man. He was as much my father as my own, more. No, that's not fair, my father was a good dad, he just spent his life as a petroleum engineer and geologist. He was gone more than he was home, and while he did his best we were never close.
It was different with the Captain. I had always said I could never leave Judy unless the Captain left her too. He was the first man I'd ever admired who also treated me like a man instead of as a kid. Judy and I still had almost a year and a half of school left when we got married. Even I knew I was a bit immature for marriage, but the Captain brought out the best in me. Trapped in a wheelchair, still he was the most intimidating man I'd ever met and... I guess I could go on for days about how I felt about him and the influence he'd been in my life.
I took a deep breath, looked at the clock and for a second tried to convince myself it was too late to call him. He answered on the second ring. "Son, first let me say that I'm on your side. She's my daughter, and I love her, but I can't believe she did something this stupid. I know she's confused, but..." we talked for a long time. He talked about problems he'd seen in the Navy with wives cheating when their husbands had been gone for six months or even a year. He never actually said that some of them lived happily ever after, but I knew where he was going. As much as I wanted, I had too much respect for him to cut him short. Finally he got to his point. "I've read your paper work, is there any chance that if I beat this silly bitch to a bloody pulp that you'd consider giving her another chance?"
I had to smile at the Captain's hyperbole. He and I had talked many times about the problem with trying to spank our girls. We both believed that the mild spanking of a young child was more effective than trying to reason with an immature brain, but neither of us was very good at it.
I felt a coldness in my chest, and I worried that I might be having heart problems. "No, sir. Captain, I'm sorry but this wasn't a one time mistake. I've never understood how a man could kill his wife, but I do now. I'll spend the rest of my life working on forgiving her, but even if I could, I still couldn't live with her."
I sighed, I hadn't wanted to hear the words, especially coming from my own lips, but I couldn't equivocate with the Captain. "Besides, Sir, even if I could, we talked and she loves him. I couldn’t live with that, not even for the sake of the girls."
The Captain's voice got very soft, "Son, she's pretty screwed up right now, if you give it some time..."
"She said they were talking marriage, I didn't even know what was going on and they were talking marriage. I know I was working long hours, but... I just can't excuse this. I want her to marry the bas... the guy, and we'll both live with it. I've said I won't bitch about her. Captain, our marriage is dead. But I do think it would be best if the twins didn't grow up thinking their mother threw away our marriage for the cheap thrills of a fling.
There was a long pause, "She hadn't told me that. Son... Son, are you sure this is what you want to do? You want to push her into this marriage?"
I made my voice as firm as I could. "Judy and I will always be tied together by the twins. Right now I have absolutely no respect for her. If she marries, at least she's trying to do the honorable thing. Who knows, maybe a few years from now we can both look at this dif..."
The Captain broke in, "If she marries him it's going to be bad, and that will make it awfully hard on our relationship, yours and mine..."
"You'll always be the girls granddad, and I'll always be their father. I'll let you decide how much more you're comfortable with, but... but I'll never be the one to step back from what you and I have."
I heard the Captain sigh; then he said, "This is harsh, but we'll play it your way. She's made her bed, I guess we'll just have to see how much she likes it, but... but, you know how I feel about you and you know I don't think two wrongs make a right."
I don't know how many times I've heard some variation of the expression "hard heart." All through our conversation, I'd been feeling mine morph. I didn't exactly hear a voice in my head, but I knew I was crossing a line, a line that turned my heart into case-harden steel. "I know sir, but I don't have a choice I couldn’t take her back now and look myself in the mirror. As much as I loved Judy, I won't be a wimp husband. Even if I were willing, what sort of example would that set for my girls? Judy severed our marriage bonds. The sooner we make it legal the better, the sooner we past this, the sooner the future can work itself out."
If I hadn't known the Captain, I might have thought I heard tears in his voice, "Son, I'm going to encourage her to take your offer, to... to get this settled tomorrow. Just promise me that you and I can continue to talk, that you won't shut me out no matter how bad it gets. Please, promise me that..." His voice broke.
My own voice was a bit husky when I said, "You have my word on it, sir."
There was a very heavy silence and I heard the Captain croak something that might have been goodbye. I didn't trust my own voice to say even that. I knew his pain was worse than mine, he loved us both. I hung up the phone and though I tried, I had no tears. I didn't like myself very much and I hated Judy for making me this way.
Three months later:
I sat, alone, at a table near the back of the huge auditorium. While I was coming forward to claim my prize, they announced that I was the youngest person ever to receive the award. At 28 I was seven years younger than the previous youngest. I got up, made an acceptance speech and tried not to let the ashes in my mouth show too much. Still, it was impossible not to remember the days after I learned I was the winner.
The Captain had come to the lawyers office that Monday morning and anytime Judy started to balk at one of the terms he browbeat her into a good compromise. We were finished before noon and the papers were filed before the courthouse closed. Sixty-one days later the judge read the decree in open court and we were divorced. A week after that Judy became Mrs. James Capote. It hurt, and the girls cried for the whole week they were on their honeymoon.
As I flew home, for the first time I was aware of just what I'd lost. I was the hottest architect on the planet. Clients were begging to give me retainers. Yet here I was, alone on a plane. I had the girls, my parents, but... but although I'd killed the mastodon and I didn't have a mate to bring the prize to.
When I got home my service was inundated with calls from potential clients. The only call I answered was the one from the Captain. He said all the right things to make me feel good, to let me know how proud of me he was. Then using a gentle voice he asked, "When did you find out about it?"
When I told him, he cursed, as only an ex-Navy man can. When he'd calmed down he said, "That sucks! That really sucks." Then in a quieter tone he said, "I know what it feels like to have life kick you in the balls. Words can't help, but I'm here for you." He paused for a long time then added, "Son, there's nothing I can do to make it better, but if you'd like to go out and kick up your heels, I'll either watch the girls or join you and put it on my tab."
"Thanks Captain, if you can refrain from talking about her, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be out with tonight."
I did go out with the Captain, but I think that was the most forlorn week of my life.
Two years after the divorce:
Once again I was in New York for a professional triumph. At this year's banquet my number of Frank Lloyd Wright prizes increased to four. I'd won on a home last year and I won on another home this year for an unprecedented threepeat! My fourth prize was for a commercial building I'd designed for the city of Midland. The architecture world went crazy over that. I was also the first person to win in two separate categories in the same year in the history of the prize. So why was I sitting at a table without a single friend? Alone among total strangers? Why was I more lonely than I'd ever been in my life?
Why was I lonely? It wasn't because people weren't contacting me. I'd had to get an unlisted home phone because potential clients from all over the world were calling at all hours of the night. I was gone more than I intended, but at least when I was home, I was home. I'd built an office attachment to my house and only went to the downtown office under dire threats. When I was home I never worked while the girls were out of school. Except for the month Judy had them, our summer was one long tour. Granted, some of that was visiting potential construction sites, but the girls loved seeing where my next design might be built. Besides, we spent most of the time exploring the surrounding area. I never wanted a design of mine not to harmonize with the local environment.
Why was I lonely? It wasn't for the lack of attention by the fair sex. I hadn't dated much, but I'd had women calling me from all over the world asking if I could meet them. It seems that the story of my "broken-heart" at the time of what should be my greatest triumph had been picked up nationally and the world was full of women with big hearts who wanted to help mend it. That I was raking in money faster than the mint could print it probably didn't hurt either.
Unfortunately, I didn't like myself, not even a little!
I couldn't like, much less fall in love with someone else, until I did. I hadn't been celibate, I could have all the sex I wanted, I just hadn't found anyone who would make love, or more accurately, to whom I could make love. I couldn’t get past my issues. I just couldn't think very highly of any woman who would want someone like me.
Rather than blame myself, I tried to blame it all on trust. I told myself I just couldn't trust, and unless I reached that point I wasn't going to bring anyone home whom the twins might attach to.
Frankly, divorce sucks! As a supposedly adult person, I hadn't found it much fun, but as a parent it was breaking my heart to see what it was doing to my beautiful girls. They never said a word about their mother, but constantly let "slip" comments about their step-father and his children. They never mentioned anything more than shouting matches with their step-siblings but I knew that it had to be difficult for them. I tortured myself with wondering about just how hostile that household might be to them.
** ** ** ** **
I'd caught the red eye back from New York and was sitting in my easy chair trying to recover from my the trip when the phone rang. The Captain didn't waste any words. "Son, that son of a bitch has put her in the hospital this time. He started beating her right after you got him fired and now he's put her in the hospital. You've got to get her out there before he kills her. Even if you won't do it for Judy, think about the twins. They shouldn't see their mother being used for a damn punching bag."
I felt a stab of panic, "Where are the girls..."
"Relax, they're fine. They were spending the night at their girlfriend Lara's house, and I called your folks to pick them up. Your folks were off like a shot with them on one of their trips. They'll bring them to you Sunday evening."
I breathed a sigh of relief, "Why don't you come over and we can talk about it. This is the first I've heard that he's been beating her. Why would she allow that?"
"You know why, don't pretend with me. You… No, we did everything we could to push her into that marriage. If she didn't know at the time that you were out to give her a taste of her own medicine it didn't take long to figure it out. She feels so guilty about what she did, she'd accept anything, even his beatings."
I gritted my teeth, I could deceive myself but I couldn't fool the Captain. "I didn't think it would ever get this far..."
"You knew he was a bastard, what did you think he'd do when he found out you were responsible for his firing and the sexual harassment charges?"
I swallowed hard, "I guess because I'd never think about hitting a woman I just assumed he wouldn't either --- Come on over, Captain, and we'll work it out I promise."
There was a long silence and then the Captain's voice turned determined, "This shit has to stop! No one can do that to my baby. Judy made me promise not to do anything rash the last time... I may be stuck in this chair, but... this shit has to stop!"
"Sure... Captain, I AM sorry... for your sake... I really never thought it would come to something like this."
"I'll be there in about an hour and half. I'm going to stop by the hospital to see if I can convince Judy... damn him! God DAMN him to hell!" he hung up, and I felt a chill run down my spine. That last hadn't been a profanity but a heart felt curse. The Captain was in his sixties and not in the best of health, but he'd never been a man to stand by when an innocent was attacked.
As I waited I thought about my latest revenge. When the divorce went through, I'd spent days, weeks, trying to come up with a method of getting back at Capote. I just couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't hurt me worse than him.
I was in pretty good shape but even though he was almost twenty years older he was close to his weight when he played linebacker for Tech. I might be able to land a sucker punch, but even if he didn't press charges, I wasn't confident I could take him in a fight, unless I was prepared to spend years in something like Karate, as if I had time for that. I checked Texas laws and I couldn't file an alienation of affection. Judy might have a case for sexual harassment, but I didn't.
For over a year and a half my lack of revenge was like a big embedded splinter I couldn't pull. Then I got a gift from fate. The CEO of Capote's company "casually" bumped into me at a charity event. For heaven's sake, the event was in Midland and the man lived in New York City. Somehow he got advanced word of my this year's FLW public building award and wanted me to design a large office building for them in Midland. I set up a meeting, showed him a computer image of a design I'd worked on over the years.
Then I told him the truth. If it was any other company in the world I'd jump at the chance to build the dream I'd worked on since I was a kid, but no amount of money could buy it for his company!
Of course in a company that size he'd never heard of Capote, much less my ex-wife. When I insisted I wouldn't work for a company that allowed that sort of behavior, he didn't take it very well. A few weeks later Capote was fired for sexual harassment. The CEO called me to thank me. He said Capote had been accused half a dozen times of harassment during his fifteen years with them. He told me that he had two recent cases re-investigated, found a new one and established a basis to fire him! We signed a contract a week later.
Like I said, professionally I was on top of the world, but with the Captain's call I was afraid my personal life was about to hit a new bottom.
When the Captain arrived, over an hour late, he just wheeled into the house and didn't give a reason for the delay. Without waiting for me to offer coffee or anything else he launched. "Jesus Son, she's a mess. She'll be in the hospital for at least a week. Hell, they only kept me three days when I had a sextuple bypass!"
He was trembling and I couldn't help but notice that it stopped right at the point where he was paralyzed. That added to the pathos. He was quiet for about ninety seconds and still wasn't under control when he continued. "I can't allow this! I supported everything you've done to her because I thought she deserved it. But, she doesn't deserve this and you have to put a stop to it!"
"How can I stop it Captain, she's not my wife, I don't have any power to do anything. All she has to do is divorce him or press charges..."
The Captain's voice crackled with a command authority I'd never seen. I suddenly knew how one of his junior officer must have felt when they screwed up on his carrier. "Don’t try that bullshit with me. I was there, I helped you! Damn it, you knew what you were doing and you did it. You wanted her to know what it felt like to have someone you loved cheat on you and made sure she would. I love you, but you're as cold-eyed a bastard as I've ever met. You'd have made a good fighter-bomber pilot. You attack with a plan but without emotion. You knew what you wanted to do to Judy and you did it. But for the love of God, tell me you didn't intend for this to happen."
I came within a nanosecond of a hot denial, but the look in his eyes froze my words. I hung my head, "Yeah, Captain, I knew what I was doing. I knew that any man who cheated like he did wouldn't stop cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater."
I looked up and met his eyes. They weren't hard or even angry, as I'd expected but showed a hint of what I thought might be compassion. I swallowed hard and continued. "I didn't think she'd stay with him. Midland's a small town in a lot of ways, I made sure she knew he was cheating and I thought she'd divorce him..."
He cut me off, "Were you going to take her back?"
"No, Captain I loved Judy, but I couldn't live with someone who didn't love me or who chose someone else. I might have been able to forgive her cheating but not her falling in love with someone else. I know I pushed all her buttons to get her to marry him. I used the girls, I thought I was using you and I used her own morality, to push her into a marriage I was sure wouldn't last a six months. I wanted to hurt her, but..." I stopped I wanted to say I didn't want her hurt like this, but I wasn't sure I meant it. I was sorry for Captain's sake, but damn it she'd made her bed and I was more than happy that it was made of nails!
The Captain locked eyes with me, "I tried to get her to leave him when I saw her at the hospital but she wouldn't. The only man who can make her leave is you. You sentenced her to this, you're the only one that can commute it. Isn't it about time you showed her a bit of mercy?"
The Captain was quiet for a bit, "Frankly, this didn't work out they way I thought it would. I'd hoped that after she'd learned her lesson, repented and crawled back on her hands and knees you'd take her back. I've never seen anyone as devoted as you were to her. I still think if she'll leave him you'll take her back. But I don't understand why you think she stopped loving you?"
"I asked her that night and she said, 'I did love you." Not 'I do love you.' She used the past tense and that's when I knew there was no hope!" It was lame response to his question, but it was the best I could do.
The Captain exploded, "That's it! That's all you had? The tense of one word!" The Captain got control and gave me a hard look. "No... no, you knew better than that. It's about damn time you found out about what this has done to her!" he'd been shouting then stopped. After a few seconds seemed to get control of himself. He made one of those 180 degree turns that reminded me of motorcycle doing a wheelie and sped for my front door. "Wait right here, I need to get something from the car..." He then did another 180, faced me and using that command voice I'd not heard before, he ordered, "No! You do it. On the passenger seat of my car you'll find a brown paper grocery sack with some books in it. Bring them here."
I normally don't respond well to perfunctory orders, but I retrieved them. When I offered him the sack he instructed that I put in on my table. "Did you know that Judy kept a journal?" When I shook my head he continued, "Well I didn't either but she did. When I got to the hospital I railed at her about getting a divorce but she wouldn't listen.
"When I calmed down a bit I asked what excuse he gave for this beating and she said he'd just bought a new journal and he saw it. He demanded that she turn over her old ones and she refused. A blind man could see my baby was scared of what he'd do if he found them. When I offered to pick them up for safekeeping, she jumped at the offer. She made me promise not to read them before she told me where they were hidden. I also promised that I wouldn't let the guy I took with me read them..." He looked at his chair. I couldn't reach her hiding place. She had them hidden in the attic under some of the insulation so I took a friend.
"I had her write me a note giving me permission to retrieve them up. I picked up the son of a friend of mine, a cop, and we went over there. He was wearing his uniform and Capote didn't give us any trouble. The place was a disaster area. Kyle climbed into the attic and when he got down, I retrieve her most recent journal. She'd cut the center out of a cook book. Capote glared at us the whole time, but that's all the gutless coward would do.
"I haven't read them, and I know Kyle didn't. I did NOT promise not to give them to you and you did NOT promise not to read them." he paused and gave me another of those penetrating stares. "Look, Son... and I couldn't love you more if you were my flesh and blood. Judy has a room full of faults, but she's not a liar..."
He paused again and my face must have betrayed my thoughts because he continued, "Not telling you about her affair is a kind of lying, but we both know that if you'd asked her straight up she would have told you. Even so, what's in those journals is her talking to herself. It's going to be the straight unvarnished truth. You know that. I want you to read them. Figure out why she did what she did. We both know it wasn't because she fell in love with that jackass!
He paused and rubbed his chin. "I can't make you forgive her, but they say 'that to understand all is to forgive all." Maybe if you know more... well if you can't forgive maybe... for God's sake, you can have mercy on her... please!"
The Captain left and I sat there looking at the sack of journals, but my mind wasn't on them. My mind was still on the Captain's last words. He'd said mercy twice. He'd said I had Judy at my mercy. I didn't like the idea, but I wasn't sure I understood the concept. I went to my computer and called up the American Heritage Dictionary and checked the definition of "mercy."
It gave four meanings starting with the most common first: "
I angrily clicked it closed and tried to rationalize what I'd done to Judy. I just gave her what she wanted... I just helped her make a moral choice to marry the man... but I couldn't even finish that thought. Yes it was her choice and she was responsible, but... I pushed her. What's more I knew I had "power" over her. Even in the process of getting divorced I knew she wanted to do anything she could to make up for the pain she'd caused me, and I'd used that shamelessly.
I certainly wasn't in any disposition to be kind or forgiving... I thought about that. It was true, but who did I still want to punish? Judy or Capote? I'd wrecked his career, no one would hire a man for any sort of management job when he had a fifteen year gap in his record. Yet if he cited his last job, any check would reveal that he was fired for repeated sexual harassment that resulted in legal settlements. Who would take that sort of risk? He was currently working in a convenience store, and lucky to have that. Quite a come down from a six figure salary. Yet, I recognized that I still didn't think the books were balanced. I wanted him killed in a robbery!
In a flash of insight I realized that in my mind the books would never balance as long as he had Judy. I might not want her, but he damn sure didn't deserve her, and that was before he began hitting her!
I didn't think the third definition of mercy applied in this case but what about the fourth. Was I inclined to alleviate Judy's pain? I didn't think so, but that realization didn't make me think too highly of myself. In fact it made me feel a bit ashamed.
I tried to remember anything I could about mercy and I remembered a phrase "The quality of mercy be not strained." I had no idea what it meant or where it came from so I googled it. This is what I found:
It didn't make me feel any better!
I was still bushed, it was just a bit after noon, but by my body clock it was the middle of the night. The air was hot inside, but boiling outside, as if you would expect anything else in Midland in late July. I went to my room and sprawled across my bed and I dreamed; I didn't care much for what they showed me.
When I woke up it was 4:30 AM. I found I was mumbling the phrase "to understand all is to forgive all." In the heavy darkness of that predawn, I wondered if that cliché were true. If I understood, would I forgive? What would that forgiveness look like?
I had sworn that I wouldn't look at her journals, but I now I wanted to find answers.
Initially I'd just intended to read what she might have written about the affair. The problem was that she almost never gave the year and only rarely the month. Instead she used the day of the week. It was immediately clear she wasn't writing for anyone else to read, she wasn't really writing for her to read. This was how she tried to makes sense of the events in her life.
Once I started reading, I just couldn't stop. This was the essence of the woman I loved more than I thought a man could love a woman. I might have hated what she'd done... I did hate what she'd done, but this was soul of the creature I would have fought a hundred dragons to shield.
I picked one of the books, opened it and began to read.
As I continued to read a few thing slowly became clear. First, Judy was a subservient personality! She wasn't a submissive, but she was very inclined to bend her will to that of someone she perceived as having power over her. She saw Capote in that capacity and he seemed to have figured out how to take advantage of her.
Second, I had no idea just how deep the pain of not having other children was for her. She was afraid that I'd just used my business as an excuse. She was afraid I'd given up for good when we'd stopped the fertility treatments. She'd been crushed and resentful. I hadn't had grasped just how important it was to her. I think her depression made her even more susceptible to a user like Capote.
It didn't make her any less responsible for her affair. She still made the choice to submit to Capote. Her journal make clear that she knew what she was risking when she took her clothes off and spread her legs for him. She was guilty as sin and she knew it. I don't think she ever figured out why she did it, but she rarely made an entry when she didn't bemoan her weakness.
There were other surprises. She'd figured out I was trying to punish her by forcing her to marry Capote the first time she caught him cheating. She'd thought about it and decided she deserved the punishment.
Instead of complaining, she went on for pages about the pain. Not hers, but a new and visceral understanding of how she'd hurt me. After the first time, she didn't write about it much. She didn't like it, worried that he might bring home an unwelcome social disease, but didn't really care who he slept with.
Then I found the part where her story got ugly. It broke my heart to see the simple stark words she used describe his abuse. "Put too much sugar in his coffee --- hard punch in the stomach, I bruised my hip when I hit the floor." That had happened within three months of their wedding!
She never made a big deal about them, she accepted his beatings as her just reward for what she did to me. What did break her heart was every time she thought I might have slept with someone. She went on for pages emoting and bemoaning the first time she was certain I'd had sex with another woman. In fact she was wrong about that woman, we never had sex, but I'd already had sex with another woman before that time.
My most recent love affair, combined with the beatings and the pressure from Capote, had made her close to suicidal. The pressure from Capote had been two-fold. He'd wanted her to go to a fertility clinic, his parents were willing to foot the bill, and he want her to allow him anal sex. She'd used all sorts of excuses on both, but the fact was she didn't want his child and she didn't want ever to do anything sexual with him she "hadn't done with my husband." That's what she called me repeatedly. Two years after the divorce she still rarely referred to me as anything other than her husband. She never referred to Capote that way.
When I closed the last journal I was exhausted, I went back to bed and I slept. One nice thing about owning your own design company is that you are allowed to be as eccentric about your hours as you wish. I had standing orders that no one was to ever call me at home for anything short of a collapsed structure. No one called for the next two days while I brooded.
At the end of that time, I still wasn't resolved. James Capote was in a world of hurt, he just didn't know it. I didn't know how I would dispose of him, the only question was whether he would survive the experience. I was seriously thinking about contacting some of the people I knew who preyed on construction projects. I wouldn't let them on any of my job sites, but even thugs liked nice houses. My fee for designing a house was now in the seven figures, and a bargain, based on what some of them had sold for. A botched robbery...
Still, Capote was a problem that could wait. What couldn’t wait was Judy. She would be getting out of the hospital in a few days and while I didn't know what I wanted from or for her, I knew I didn't want her going back to their home. Even if I'd cared nothing for her, the thought of the twins in the same house with Capote terrified me.
At least that's what I tried to tell myself. But every time I thought about taking action I'd have an image of Judy the way she used to look as she stripped for her "Cum down time," or a replay of my dream of that Friday night of the two of them making love, only now I added Capote jeering at my shortcoming as a lover.
The arguments went back and forth in my head. For every reason I could generate for granting mercy, I could come with an equally good reason why I shouldn't. As they went round and round in my head, I clicked on the news on TV to get relief. The announcer was talking about yet another atrocity committed by someone in the Middle East. I gritted my teeth and hung my head.
Bright and early on the third morning, determined but still very uncertain as to what I was determined about, I headed for the hospital.
When I got to her room, she was still sleeping. I stood beside her bed and peered at her face. It was a mass of ugly purple bruises, now fading to that horrible shade of green and brown. I'd never seen anyone so horribly beaten. I knew her cheek bone had been cracked although, thank God, not broken.
As leaned over her to see the other side of her face, I wasn't aware that I was weeping. I'll never know if it was one of my tears falling on her or my muffled sob that woke her.
Her eyes fluttered open and for just a second she smiled at me. Then as she became aware of where she was she gave a small shriek and covered her head with her sheet.
"Judy, we have to talk. I've seen it all and we'll both feel like something from a bad movie if we try to talk through that sheet."
She made a sound between a chuckle and a snort but lowered the sheet. Although she was smiling, it didn't extend to her eyes. "Daddy told me that he gave you my journals. He had no right to do that, and I'm sorry that he did. I got pretty mad but then I realized that I had never wanted to hide anything from you. If you'd asked I'd have given them to you. I don't remember what all I wrote, but I would appreciate it if you clean them up before you ever let the girls read them."
I chuckled, "I could never let them see what you thought about our dating years..." I looked at her eyes and they were so wide open that indeed I felt I had a window into her soul. It was her whole soul. I had always loved to see her naked body. Images of her showing it to Capote had been my very worst nightmare, even worse than picturing him fucking her. But this, what she was allowing me to see now was too naked, it was too much. No human should ever be as vulnerable as she was to me.
In a very soft voice she almost whispered, "I wish I could tell you why I did it. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to, but I did. I don't blame you for divorcing me, or getting me to marry James. It's what I deserve, but I want you to know I'll still do anything to make it hurt you less."
She paused to blow her nose, which turned into a snort, looked chagrined and continued. "I can't even say I didn't know how much it would hurt you when you caught me. I thought it would be right after that first time. When it kept going on, I didn't know what to think. I never loved you any less, but I think I wanted you to rescue me and as strange as it sounds I think I was upset that you didn't. I kept dropping all the hints like "mommy's cum down time" and you never said anything. I've always wanted to ask if you didn't suspect before that night?"
I gritted my teeth, "No, I didn't. My trust for you was absolute. If you'd told me the sun was rising in the west I would have called the McDonald Observatory over in the Davis Mountains to ask why, and then argued with them if they tried to deny it.
She took a deep breath, held it, then slowly released it. "I never belonged on that kind of pedestal, I could live like..." She paused then as she was wont to do and changed tacks. "Where do we go from here?"
I gave her a half smile, she knew how these sudden changes in the course of a conversation affected me. I'd loved the agility of her mind but hated having to plod after her. "First, you don't go back to his house. Ever, that's final."
She cocked her head and gave me the expression a teacher might give a particularly slow student, "That's not an option, I married him, for better or worse, there's just been a lot more worse than I planned for..."
I could feel my temper begin to stir. "Judy that's not an option. Just pretend I'm riding a white horse and I'm here to rescue you. I’m telling you that you ARE NOT going back."
I saw a bit of confusion for the first time, "You read that in my journal didn’t you? I swore I'd never break my marriage vows again... you have to know that too."
I cut her off, "He's broken every vow of that marriage; he's cheated on you and he hasn't loved and cherished you. He killed this marriage, not you. You are not bound to him!"
She blinked several times and I saw indecision. "If you ever go back to him, I will not ever let you see the girls again. I can't risk his hurting them, too."
She broke, and with her head in her hands she cried. I sat on the bed and held her. When she realized what I was doing she clutched me to her and soaked my shirt.
When she'd cried out she said "Where will I go, what will I do?"
"I'll help you, and I'll make sure he can't hurt you... I'll get my lawyer to draw up divorce papers and restraining orders. If I bring those to you this afternoon will you sign them?" Without looking up Judy nodded into my chest.
That afternoon my lawyer and two of his secretaries arrived at Judy's room. He had her sign and his secretaries witnessed the documents. When it was all done he left to get them filed before the courthouse closed, leaving me alone with Judy.
She took my hand, held it to her cheek, still wet from her tears. Then with her eyes glistening she asked, "When this is all done, will you take me back?"
There was the question, the question I'd dreaded. I thought back to the insight I had while I listened to the news on TV. War, by its nature was brutal and inhuman. Yet if it wasn't to be a war where you took no prisoners, a war were every man, woman, and baby of the enemy was destroyed, you had to leave room for peace. Without mercy, you ended up with wars that lasted millennium. You had to show mercy to your enemy. Anything less and you were nothing but a savage. Mercy didn't mean surrender it just meant that you retained some portion of your humanity and let the enemy retain his. This was the time to show mercy to Judy. I did my best.
I was sitting in the waiting room on the maternity floor. Judy was being moved from her labor room to the delivery room, another set of twins, boys this time. I was seated next to a nervous first-time father and we were talking when the nurse announced that Judy was ready.
Mark stood shook my hand and said, "I appreciate you coming by. It's going to be a tough couple of months isn't it?"
I smiled, "Yes, and the girls are going nuts. I'll try to keep them at my house as much as I can, but I'm going to have my hands full too.
He nodded nervously and left to join Judy as she gave birth. Mark's a good guy, a major in the army reserves, and a captain in the Midland Fire Department. He earned (not won) a silver star in Afghanistan and a second purple heart in Iraq. I admire him.
He was a good match for Judy and I was glad they'd found each other.
So, what about me? How had I answered that question Judy asked me five years ago?
I had tried to let my mercy show. "No, Judy I won't." Her face fell and the tears started again.
When she finally regained her composure she managed to meet my eye and asked "Why?"
I really wanted to say, "Because I want a wife I can put on a pedestal; not one I have to keep on a short leash to keep her faithful." But I didn't, Shakespeare's "gentle rain from heaven" droppeth and drowndeth my vitriol. Okay, I did say that, but I tried to say it in a merciful way. I said, "I understand us better now than when we were married. We just aren't a match. That doesn't make either of us a bad person, but you need someone who will give you direction, and that's just not me. I'm too wrapped up in myself. I will always have a special place in my heart for the woman to gave me the twins. No, that's not true either. You will always be my first love, but we just aren't right for each other. We've both made bad choices, but together as friends maybe we can help each other make better ones."
Mark was right for Judy. He didn't keep her on a leash, more like on the kind of tether a team of mountain climbers use. They were good for each other and Judy, secure in her tether, bloomed in a way she never had when we were married.
Mark and Judy lived in the same school boundaries as me. The twins could ride back and forth between our houses on their bikes. We didn't socialize, but we were very supportive of each other. If we didn't agree about something, we'd go to the Captain to arbitrate, and the girls never knew we had disagreed. The twins complained in mock bitterness that they were cursed with too many parents. Still for all their complaining, they loved Mark and he loved them. They were ecstatic about having some new brothers.
A lot of new brothers! You see I wasn't at the hospital to support either Mark or Judy; we weren’t that close. It was one of those strange tricks life plays on you. I was there to see my wife and our new twin boys who had been born the day before.
Happily ever after? Perhaps, mercy doesn't meant that you have to let the other avoid the consequences, just fewer than they earned. It meant I didn't have to punish Judy to the extent I could. To have taken Judy back wouldn’t have been mercy, it would have been something else.
I'd met my wife through a friend of Judy's and we were everyone's dream couple. I keep her on a special pedestal and she keeps my oversized ego in check. She loves my girls and they love her. If Judy hadn't cheated, we would still be married. It would have been better for the twins, but not for me. Perhaps we married too young. Perhaps we saw in each other acceptable mates and didn't wait for perfection. Perhaps we hadn't finished growing up and both of us changed when we did. All I know for sure is that I never was, nor could be as happy with Judy as I am with my wife.
Showing mercy to Capote was harder. It was close but I finally decided that having to work at almost minimum wage for man like him was enough. He was a broken man, I didn't need to break his body too. Okay, the jail time he did for the assault might have been a factor too. I did have reason to have him contacted about a year ago though. A very foolish woman, despite being warned, just "had to open her heart to this good man." I'll never understand why some people are such fools. When I heard about his wedding, my heart was so full of mercy for that foolish woman that I unburdened myself to a client. It just so happen that the cousin of a friend of my client's was in the high risk personal loan business. When said cousin happened to hear about the situation, he was so filled with the milk of human kindness he sent one of his business associates to see Capote and gently explain that good boys don't hit girls. I heard the lesson didn't have to be repeated. It's good to have friends in low places.
Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I still have a lot to learn and long way to go before anyone would consider me merciful. But here's the thing about failing to give mercy, it keeps you bound to the person or the problem. It's also an affront to your better nature. I couldn't forgive myself for what I'd done to Judy, but when I extended mercy to her, I was able to extend it to myself too. That broke that steel shell I'd created around my heart and opened it to the possibility of a happily ever after.
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If you enjoyed my story I hope you'll take a second or two to email me telling me why. If you didn't like it, I especially like to hear from you. Your feedback is not only my only payment, it's how I'll get better.
Second, and a very close second, I would like feed back about my style and language use. I'm not a native English speaker, but I really work to sound that way. Please don't cut me any slack on the language or usage. I really am a jock, and I'm used to abusive coaches... they're the best kind. I mean it when I say if you can't make me run wind sprints you can't hurt me. So please be as tough as you can!
This is a long story, but that's the norm for me, why use one word when you can stretch it to a few pages:
{{NOTE from the moderator: The story is about 16,000 words. There is a convenient stopping point marked at about 6200 words and the sentence, “Okay Matt, if that’s what you want, I’ll do it your way.”}}
As always I'd like to thank my editor Erik Thread for his hard work and advise. This isn't the story I wrote the first time, or the second or even the third. However, the last one Erik saw was the third, so I know I've made errors since he last fixed this.
I'd also like to thank fdkman262 who gave me some great insight into what I'd written as opposed to what I needed to write. It's a much better story because of his advise and skill as a writer.
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I was lying on our bed, lost in an erotic glow when I heard the garage door activate. ‘Shit!” I blurted. Vaulting to my feet, I glanced at the clock 10:45! No! She couldn’t be home yet! "Oh Shit! Shit! Shit! SHIT!"
I looked at our bedroom, the rose petals, the champagne and wondered if my whole life was about to crumble around me...
I'm an architect, and I'd been on my own for about a year. I’d been working incredible hours because with only one client, my staff consisted of me, myself and I. My office was in an abandoned gas station. I'd tried to have an office at home, but I found I was taking too many breaks to spend time with Judy and the girls. We had identical twin girls who were born nine weeks before I graduated from the University of Texas six years ago. They hadn't been planned, but we were overjoyed.
We both wanted a large family, but something had gone wrong during the birth process, and she’d had never been able to get pregnant again. We'd tried some fertility treatments, but although the doctors had been certain some of the newer techniques would be successful, we'd decided to put them off because of expenses when I struck out on my own.
Judy had stayed home with the girls until I opened my office. Money was tight, and we’d needed an extra salary. So, without complaint she started working for an oil company as an executive assistant. Judy thought her job had the prefect hours for a working mother. Monday to Thursday she didn’t go in until nine and she was off at three. Great hours, except on Fridays when she had to be at the airport for a 7:10 AM flight to Dallas to facilitate her boss’s weekly meetings. The airport was a twenty-minute mad dash from our house, or thirty if you drove the speed limit.
It made for a long day because they didn't leave Dallas until 6:25 and Judy rarely walked in the door before 8:15. Then, almost four months ago, it got much worse. Judy's boss got a promotion and the meetings started running longer. After they missed a few planes and had to pay a premium, they began to simply schedule the final flight, which didn't arrive in Midland until 9:55. It was generally close to eleven when Judy got home. I hadn’t been happy about it but since Judy didn’t complain, I didn’t say anything.
Tonight was supposed be pure fun and great sex! Now... now it looked like everything was going to be ruined! I glanced at the clock, again, 10:45! No, she couldn't be home!
I heard her car pulling into the garage. Why was she arriving home now, the time when she'd get in if the plane landed on time? But I knew the plane wasn't on time, because, out of character, I’d checked on the flight. I had wanted everything timed perfectly for when she walked through the door.
In a disoriented fog, I glanced around the room one more time. I saw the bowl of rose petals I’d planned to strew across the bedspread. The champagne in the ice bucket I’d rented from the liquor store. I thought of the "caramelized pecan apple pie" I bought at HEB. It took an hour to cook the frozen pie and I’d only put it in the oven a half hour ago. I'd also picked up the HEB store brand "1905 vanilla ice cream" to top it. Hot apple pie with ice cream is Judy’s favorite dessert, and it was one of the few things I could cook.
For a few precious seconds I was distraught that she’d ruined my surprise for her. This was a big day for us. I had learned today that the first house I’d designed had won a Frank Lloyd Wright prize! For an architect that’s like… like winning the Nobel Prize!
I'd debated announcing the prize at a family dinner, but I'd decided I wanted to make my announcement to Judy alone, make it the start of a romantic weekend before we again started the very un-sexy process of the fertility treatments. With all the business the prize would generate we should be able to afford the very best. I hoped Judy would be delighted.
So, the twins were with my folks on one of their weekend RV trips to sightsee. I had told them I'd have big news when we all went out for dinner Sunday night.
I heard the garage door activate to close, but Judy shouldn't be here yet. My long denied suspicions formed ranks and began a brutal assault on both my head and my heart. While my gut had been telling me she was having an affair, my heart continued to deny it. What do I really know? I asked myself.
Her recent habit of going straight to the hot tub when she got home on Friday started about the time of the late flights. She wouldn’t even change into a bathing suit first, she’d just hop in wearing her bra and panties. She called it “Momma’s come down time.” I now felt sure it was a terrible play on words; Judy had always been clever that way.
Since the late flights began, we never make love on Fridays when she comes home. She's too tired from work. But before the late flights began, when she arrived only a couple hours earlier, she practically attacked me when she got home from Dallas. If I hadn't been so pleasantly shocked, I would asked her about it. Before those Fridays, I could count on the fingers of one hand the times she'd initiated sex, and still have fingers and a thumb left over. Yet for over a month, she'd barely waited until the girls were down.
After she'd started the late flights, it never happened again. She was still as responsive as ever when I wanted to fool around, but never on Fridays. Of course that could make sense after putting in an eighteen hour day... but...
Her prattle about work had changed too. So had our social life. When she first started working, we frequently went to small gatherings with her co-workers, and she would rave about how wonderful her boss was. I remembered being jealous when I kept hearing about his incredible business acumen, or when I listened to her drone on and on about his resemblance to Sean Connery, in his prime, of course. Then about three or four months ago, she stopped talking about him, and we stopped seeing her co-workers. I remember being relieved because my own hectic schedule left me too drained to enjoy the evenings out. Now, I was certain it she changed because of a more sinister reason.
As the reasons continued to percolate, the most damning of all surfaced. I couldn't remember the last time she'd told me she loved me. The last time she'd given me one of her loving pecks on the cheek or and unsolicited hug. Judy had always been a demonstrative woman, and now she wasn't. At least not with me!
I froze mid-thought. I wanted to scream my denial. Judy, my Judy, the woman who taught me the difference between making love and fucking, the only woman I’d ever made love to, couldn't be about to walk in soiled from her lover's bed! That image threatened to overwhelm me. Then she called out, “Matt, where are you? I’m so glad to be home!” Her voice sounded so normal, her tone just didn't fit the mental image I'd formed.
I shook my head, it couldn't be, not my Judy, maybe I'd been looking at the wrong flight. Or maybe the plane had made up the time somehow.
In three strides I was at the computer in our bedroom. I hit the escape button and the screen saver cleared. I clicked the refresh button. There, displayed on the screen, was her flight number with the notation. It was going to be another half hour before it landed! I looked back at our bed, rumpled from where I’d been lying, and for a second I wanted to run away. I wanted to retreat back to the land of denial, but I'm not made that way. The question was in the open now and I had to have an answer.
Tumbling down the stairs, I knew I wasn't speaking, but I felt a guttural sound forming deep in my throat. When I got to the enclosed deck Judy had already shed her blouse and was unzipping her slacks. I came up behind her and grabbed her in a rough bear hug.
“Matt, please you know how tired I am when I get back, let me relax until tomor…” As I began to push my hand into her panties she began to squirm in my arms.
“No Matt, maybe later… NO MATT! She was squirming harder but as my hand worked its way toward her thatch she became frantic. Twisting violently and with surprising strength, she burst free and shouted, “DAMN IT. I SAID NO!” She stood there panting from the effort and glaring at me. I moved toward her, my intention clear. Her eyes got very big and she said in a quiet voice that stopped me in my tracks. “No Matt, not this way. I won’t let you find out this way.”
I don't think I'd actually processed what I was doing until that second. Those thirteen words, left me as pole-axed as a bull at a slaughter house. I was as surely in medical shock as if she'd shot me. I looked at her and... I felt nothing. I couldn't understand it. I knew my world had just been destroyed yet I felt nothing. I was preternaturally calm. I tried to feel something, anything, but there was nothing there.
In a voice so calm I had trouble believing it was mine I said, "You wouldn’t do this to us unless you loved him. Did you ever love me?"
Her face turned tender, “I did love you. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t mean for this… I never wanted this to happen. I never thought it would be like this, I'll always…”
I didn't want to hear any more. I cut her off, "Are you going to marry him?”
There was a charged silence, I stared at her silently demanding an answer. She bit her lower lip, "It's come up, he's been pushing me to decide, I'm so confused, I just haven't been able..."
I cut her off again. “Please do me the courtesy of going back to his place. I just figured this whole sordid affair out because your flight hasn’t landed yet. I need time alone to think this through.”
Judy moved towards me, her face full of compassion intending to take me in her arms as she said, “Oh Matt, I’m so sorry I wish this never got started. Please let me explain it to you, I’m so sorry you found out this way…”
I pulled back, feeling like I might have been made from the most delicate of cut glass crystal, knowing that at her slightest touch I would shatter, irreparably. I took another step back my hand extended to stop her. "Please, just get what you need and leave. Mom and Dad have taken the girls on one of their rambles. They'll be out of contact until Sunday evening. We'll talk Sunday afternoon. I don't want to see or hear from you before then." I was trembling. In a distant part of my brain some part of me wondered if it was rage, fear or a heart attack.
She looked at me her eyes pleading, opened her mouth to speak and I cut her of with firm "No!"
A flicker of fear passed over her face, she sighed and went to our bedroom. The numbness returned. I went into the den, sat heavily in my recliner and wondered just how long the gray void in my mind would last. I have no idea how much time passed before she returned. Her expression was wistful, but I also something I'd only seen when she'd been told she could never have another child.
"Matt? I saw what you had planned, I… I didn't mean to spoil it... If you would like...”
The words hit me like a thunder clap. The BITCH! She was offering me a mercy fuck! A sloppy seconds mercy fuck at that! I started to get out of my chair, she saw my face, sobbed and fled. She must have sat in her car for a while because it was several minutes before I heard the garage door open, then close.
As soon as I heard the garage door thunk closed, I slumped back in my chair and the colorless void descended again. I don't know how long I sat there, my mind a perfect Zen blankness before I fell asleep.
I awoke in a rage from a vivid dream of Judy making love to her boss. It hadn't been wild illicit sex but tender love. Every part of my body groaned as I arose from my chair, every joint screaming abuse, but I was also burning with a type of anger I'd never experienced. I stomped back to our bedroom. “OUR BEDROOM!” There was no more ‘us,’ there could be no more ‘our.’ In a red haze I grabbed the champagne bottle from the cooler and I smashed anything breakable… until I was poised over the delicate Dresden figurine of a young woman, with a hundred petty coats covered by a pale blue ball gown and holding a faun. It was Judy's only inheritance from her grandmother. As much as I wanted to smash that six inch high china doll I just couldn’t.
I looked around the room. I'd annihilated it, and I didn’t feel one bit better. I looked at the champagne bottle in my hand and marveled that it hadn’t broken. Not thinking I tore off the wrapper, untied the cork and pulled it out with a loud pop. The bubbly shot out, just like you see in the movies. I had never been a wine snob, but as a kid I'd once read a biography of the Rothschild family. I'd promised myself that if I ever "made it big" I'd celebrate with the one of the most expensive champagnes in the world, Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac. I drank directly from the heavy glass bottle and I vowed I'd never touch the stuff again. It tasted like shit. It didn’t put me to sleep either, but exhaustion did and I slept again. I didn’t dream, thank God.
I awoke a few hours later as the first light filtered through the window. Whatever type of rage I'd had was gone and my mind had retreated to that numbness. I was dead inside. I tried to summon anger, then sadness, and I got nothing. My marriage was over, I understood that, but my mind refused to accept the reality. Instead it looked for answers in the past.
Judy and I had met while I was at the University of Texas. She attended Southwestern University in Georgetown and played soccer on their Div III team. I played club soccer at UT and had put together a group to enter in a seven a side tournament held on SU's fields.
Judy had come out to watch, and caught my eye. I made a total ass of myself, trying to show off. We didn't even advance in the tourney we'd won the year before and would win the year after. Judy, bless her heart, pretended not to notice. From that day on we were inseparable. Driving the 26.8 miles up and down I35, we burned enough gas to fill the strategic reserve, but who cared.
She was a virgin when we met, I'd had one girlfriend in high school who I'd fucked seventy-three times before we broke up. Yes, I counted, and I couldn't imagine how anyone couldn't keep track of something as important as that! I knew Judy and I were destined to get married when I lost count of how many times we made love, not fucked but made love, on our first weekend together. It was in a nice room at the Four Seasons near the airport after the tri delt's, spring formal on a Friday night. The funny thing though was we didn't made love Friday night. As we were getting undressed Judy freaked out. She said she couldn't, not without a permanent commitment.
Naked, I got on one knee I asked Judy to marry me. Clad in her bra and panties while clutching the sheet to cover her, she accepted... but still wanted a ring! I spent the night on the floor. We were at Americus Diamond out by Highland Mall as soon as their doors were open, and I bought one I thought she would always be proud to wear. Back at our room we exchanged private vows before God as I slipped the ring on her finger.
As we kissed, I slid my hand down her back to her very tight and muscular ass. She snuggled into me and I was rock hard. With a sigh she pulled me to the bed. Without breaking our kiss she slowly sat then reclined.
I slipped my hand under her blouse and she took a deep breath to expand her smallish breast up to me while her tongue made its first ever entry into my mouth. I moved my hand from her breast to her thigh and slowly moved up under her pleated skirt. After a short hesitation she opened for me and her kiss deepened.
When my fingers reached her panties, the most intimate we'd been to that point, they were soaked through. As my fingers moved under her panties, her whole body began to tremble. I broke our kiss, pulled back and looked down on her. Her eyes had been clenched shut but now fluttered open. Looking up at me she gave me a nervous smile and slowly arched her back pushing against my hand. To make her point very clear, she used her free hand to pull up both her blouse and her bra baring her breast for me as she said "kiss me" softly.
Complying, I began to circle my tongue around her areola. Then I opened my mouth as wide as I could and took most of her breast into my mouth. I speared my tongue onto her nipple pushing it into her softness. For the very first time I heard her actually gasp in sexual pleasure.
Taking advantage of her passion and wetness, I pushed my finger inside her for the very first time. She flinched, but her hymen allowed entry, and it didn't tear. When my finger was all the way in I curled it up to search for her G spot.
I pulled off her breast and looked at her. She gave me a puckish but embarrassed grin, and pulled me back to her breast. As I took it back into my mouth I heard her sigh in pure sexual pleasure.
I knew I'd found her G spot when she began to squirm and shift to bring us fully up on the bed. I pulled my finger out as we repositioned ourselves, then I started to pull her panties off. Her reaction was immediate. She clutched them for a second then looking into my eyes and begged, "Please don't look at me down there, please, promise."
I nodded but vowed that this was one hang-up that we'd banish before we left the room. I'd learned to love giving head and I knew that Judy would too, but this wasn't the time to push.
Judy swallowed hard and using both hands she managed to keep her skirt from moving up as I pulled her panties down. She looked so vulnerable as she tentatively opened her legs barely enough to allow my hand between them. I kissed her and said softly. "Would you like to get under the sheets?"
She looked so relieved, I almost smiled. As we crawled under the sheets I gave a little tug on her blouse and with another nervous smile she pulled it over he head. "I'm sorry I'm so small..."
"Sweet heart..." I paused, it was the first time I'd used that word and it sounded strange. I rolled it around in my head and decided I liked it. "Sweetheart, I've always been an ass man, and yours is prefect. But you know the old saying, 'anything more than a mouthful is wasted.' Well you already know that you've got more than a mouthful, and they're so perfectly shaped I'd hate to have them any bigger."
"Oh Matt," She said in a tone of disbelief, but her face flushed with pleasure. With that quick move only a woman can do, her bra disappeared and she pulled me to the breast that I'd yet to suckle.
When I moved my hand back between her thighs she opened a tiny fraction more, perhaps enough to allow my leg between them. I moved over her a bit and pushed on my hand with my upper thigh as my finger moved back inside her. Again she flinched as my finger stretched her hymen. Her whole body tensed until I again curled up to press her G spot. As soon as I found it she pressed hard against me, turning slightly to rub on my hand.
My problem was that she also rubbed on my cock which almost made me explode. I knew I should take more time, but I was afraid I wouldn't make it. Pulling out I practically ripped my pants off, only slowing to retrieve a condom from my billfold.
Trying to think of cold showers and the shriveled crone that taught me algebra in eighth grade I tore open the package and rolled it on. I tried, I really tried to go slow as I moved over her. I could see the apprehension in her eyes as my body forced her legs open enough to let me between them.
With a wan smile Judy pulled her knees back to give me access. I told her I loved her, pushed forward and felt her hymen rip. She winced and I came!
I was mortified. I'd never cum so much in my life, or gone soft so quickly. I tried. I squeezed the base of my cock trying to hold the blood in to stay hard. I tried to push that limp noodle into her, but all I accomplished was to pull out of my condom.
Judy didn't say word but her quizzical expression spoke volumes. I blushed, "No, that's not supposed to be all there is, but... I just got too excited. I've wanted you so long you felt so good that I couldn't help it. The next time will be much better I promise."
Judy wasn't able to keep all the disappointment from her expression but her words were more than kind. "We've got a lifetime to get this right, and practice makes perfect. Are you ready to try again, now?"
I didn't have the courage or the heart to tell her that as much as I wished otherwise I required more than three minutes to re-charge. Instead I said, "I'd love to, but I only have one condom." I silently added in my billfold. "I'm going to need to run to a drug store to buy more."
Judy looked skeptical, after all I had rented the room for two nights when we checked in, but bless her heart she didn't say anything. I said, "I'm going to clean up a bit and be back in no time."
I didn't actually take that long. By the time I'd bought another box, to go with the box I had in my overnight bag, I knew I was ready. The second time started out worse than the first. Because the first condom had slipped off I decided to use two the second time. Unfortunately, I slipped them on before I was fully hard. Cutting off the blood flow they kept me from getting fully hard until tore one off.
With my pressure relieved, I was able to concentrate on Judy and brought her to an orgasm before I tried to enter her. The only other mistake I made was because neither of us knew that a hymen could be torn more than once. Since my first entry wasn't complete I'd only partially ripped it. The second time I was surprised when she yelped as I finished the job.
That was the only mistake that I'd made the rest of the weekend. By the time we left the room on Sunday, Judy loved oral sex as much as I did. Unlike my first girlfriend she was anxious to have me cum in her mouth, and she always swallowed.
We were married during the following Christmas holidays. We lived in Round Rock, and both finished a year later. Except for those first two times, I couldn't remember a single time when I wasn't certain that Judy enjoyed sex at least as much as I did. Thinking back to the last few times when we'd made love, I was certain that she'd been more than satisfied.
Nor had I been inattentive. Even with all the extra hours I'd been working she'd never said a word about being lonesome or needing more of my time. You've heard the expression "I worshiped the ground she walked on." In my case it was true. When we built this house, I made a trip back to Georgetown and took a grass plug from their soccer field. It was from the very the spot I'd first seen her. I bought enough sod of the same type of grass to make our yard, but that little plug was the first thing I planted. No, our sex life was the stuff of dreams. Our family life? Frankly, although Judy would never allow me anal, about the only thing we never tried, I was convinced her shit didn't stink.
I pursed my lips, I couldn't find the answers in our past. As I fixed myself a cup of Twinning's China Black tea, I tried again to summon some sort of emotion, even pain. I still felt nothing. I could generate faux feelings, but real emotion of any kind were just beyond me. I think my sub-conscious understood that I couldn't deal with the pain yet, and I didn't have the stamina for the rage I felt earlier. Besides, I needed to be unemotional if I was going to salvage anything from the fetid swamp where Judy had cast me.
I'd known our marriage was over as soon as I realized that she was cheating. As I was destroying the bedroom last night, I knew I wanted to hurt her, to punish her. I WAS surprised this morning to find that I'd slashed everything in her closet. I had shredded all of her underwear, and ripped up everything else in her closet. I hadn't even been aware that I'd gotten my fish filet knife from my tackle box until I saw it on the floor near the bed. That realization brought back memories of a boyhood friend and it terrified me.
Desperate not to revive that gruesome memory, I began to review what I knew about Judy's affair. First, she'd said she'd thought about marrying him. I wondered why that concept wasn't causing me pain. My mind shied away from even the image of a fully clothed Judy in that man's arms, but the idea of her getting married to him didn't seem to bother me at all.
I explored that line a bit further with that same unnatural detachment. I felt to the fiber of my being that Judy still loved me. I was certain that if I pushed it I could "win" her back. I knew all her levers, and I had the advantage of the twins and her own moral code. I knew how guilty she had to be feeling, and if I were honest how easy Judy is to manipulate.
I then thought about man who was fucking her. I knew a fair amount about her boss, James Capote. In his late forties, he'd been divorced from his second wife for over five years, with two children, a boy about to graduate from Midland Lee high school and a daughter two years behind him. According to Judy he was always trying to increase his access to them, but only had them every other weekend and alternating holidays. He didn't even get them over the summer.
I'd met him many times shortly after Judy started working, but not at all for the last three or four months. I didn't like him from the start. He had wandering eyes. Although I could understand him going after Judy, I had trouble believing that Judy could have actually fallen for him.
That line of thinking tempted me to go down the "what if" memory lane, or the "what did I do wrong" path. Instead, I went to my computer and began to research the divorce laws in Texas. I discovered that a divorce can be final in Texas in as little as 60 days after the filing. The decree had to be read in open court but the parties didn't even have to be there if it wasn't contested. The quicker this is over the better I thought.
There were forms you could print out, for a fee, and I gladly paid. I spent several hours thinking about what I wanted out of a settlement and how I could get Judy to agree to my terms. I finally decided that I wanted what was best for my girls. I thought about calling and cancelling our credit cards, emptying our bank accounts, but I decided that as much as I hated Judy right now, I didn't think she'd try to steal from me, or from our girls.
I wanted the house so the girls wouldn't have to move. We'd borrowed every penny of equity to help me start my business, which had only amounted to about ten grand. With the prize I'd be able to borrow what I needed to buy Judy out. With the award my business was going to be worth a fortune. I didn't want her, or more importantly that asshole Capote to have any claim. That was another reason to get this done quickly. The awarding of the prize wouldn't be made public until the big banquet in three months. The winners wouldn't be publicly announced until then, but it wasn't like the academy awards, the winner sometimes knew in advance. Held in New York City, I'd been given a heads up since I normally wouldn't have made plans to attend. Hell, if I wasn't winning a prize I couldn't have gotten a ticket.
Yes, that was another excellent reason to get this settled quickly. Which meant I had to provide a fair division if I wanted it done. I was torn between wanting everything that hinted at our life together gone and wanting to have as few changes made as possible for the girls. I decided that I'd have an appraiser come in a value everything we had, including the things I'd destroyed. I'd offer to buy replacement stuff in addition to her half of our property. We would alternate picking what we wanted until someone reached half the total value.
I went through the rest of the housekeeping details of how to sunder our relationship, making notes and adding specifics to the forms I'd bought. By evening I thought I had a plan I could live with and that Judy would readily accept. I realized that I hadn't eaten a thing all day and that the very thought of food turned my stomach. Still, if I was going achieve my goals, I'd need my strength. Not trusting my culinary skills I wondered what kind of food would go best with slicing up our life together. I ordered pizza.
As I ate my mind returned to what I could do to hurt Judy, to make her hurt. I knew that when I got past the denial stage the emotional pain was going to be unbearable. But how could I make her feel that kind of pain too. Leaving me wasn't going to hurt her, not like it was me. I mean sure there would be regrets, but she was leaving me for someone. I would be the one alone. There was nothing that I could do that would break her heart. Yet as much as I was in denial, as unacceptable as what she had done was, I didn't think I could stop loving her. After much internal debate and rationalizing I realized that it wasn't my choice to keep her or send her away. She made that choice when she accepted Capote into her body. Having a wife do that was something I would not live with, period.
If it wasn't my choice if she stayed or left, what was the worst that I could reasonably hope for? Then it came to me, the perfect solution. I still had to ask myself if I could pull it off. Judy had always been deferred to my wishes. It used to drive me nuts that I could never get her to tell me things like where she'd like to go out for dinner. She might pout later about my choice but she refused to ever give me her opinion unless I made an issue out of it.
Could I use that to push her into what I wanted her to do? Ultimately it would be her choice. Still, I knew I had a good shot. I knew her... perhaps not as well as I should have, but I did know what sorts of pressures she responded to, and I knew I could bring a lot of pressure... Late into the night I plotted and planned. This was going to take a very delicate touch.
Judy called a little after eight. I took several deep breaths before I answered. "Judy, you've made your choice; even if you didn't mean to you've made the choice for both of us. The question now is how this is going to affect the girls. You know divorce is always hard on kids, especially ones the girls' age. The question is, do you want a war or are we going to work to make it as easy on them as possible."
“Matt, please let me talk, I’m sorry I hurt you, I love you, I don’t want you to hate me… I never expected for it to get this far, but I still...”
I almost lost it when I heard the word LOVE “Judy, every time I hear your voice it just makes me hate you and what you’ve done more. Do you realize the effect this sorry affair is going to have on the twins? We're trying to raise them with values and morals. How are we going to explain that you threw away the most solemn vows a person can make for some recreational sex?"
Judy was sobbing, "It wasn't like that..."
"Oh really! Even after months you still hadn't decided to marry him. How's that going to sound to the girls?" I paused and let the silence linger. Then I continued, "I'm sorry, I managed to reach my folks and told them to plan on keeping the girls a little late. If you agree, I’ll have them brought over here at five and we can give them the news together. Otherwise I’ll tell them alone.
"I will be civil to you while we talk to the girls but that’s the last time I ever want to hear your voice until we’re divorced. I’m working very hard not to say the things I want to say. You will always be the mother of my children and we will have to talk about them. Just don’t push me right now.”
“Matt, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, it just…”
“Yeah I know it just worked out that way. Let’s get this done as quickly as possible. I’ll pay for an apartment for you, I just hope you don't plan to live with your asshole unless you get married. That would really wrap them." I paused and let my heart rate slow. "I’d like to keep as much of this sordid mess from them as I can. It’s up to you, you’re calling the shots.”
“Could I come right now and talk...”
“No.”
“Please Matt, I don’t want it to be this way…”
I cut her off. In my most forceful voice I said, “Our marriage has been over from the second you spread your legs for him" I sighed dramatically. "Whatever your reasons you killed it. So let’s just bury it as decently as we can." I paused for emphasis then said in a wistful tone, "I really hope you'll marry him. Not just for the girls, I think it'll make it easier on me too. I don't want to think you killed our marriage just for some hot sex..."
I then let the silence build. Finally Judy slumped and said, “Okay Matt, if that’s what you want, I’ll do it your way.”
** ** ** ** ** **
If there’s a hell, I’ve been there. The detachment stayed, or I think I would have died from the pain I saw in my little girls when Judy started the “You need to know that your daddy and I love you very much, but sometimes adults make mistakes…" talk.
She went on for several minutes using euphemism the girls didn’t understand. Finally I said as gently as I could, “Your mommy has fallen in love with another man and now she wants to marry him. I’ve said it was okay so we will need to get a divorce.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew that I would have done anything not to have said them. A poem by Omar Khayyam I learned in high school ricocheted around in my brain and I had to fight back the tears.
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.
Nothing has changed in the ten centuries since he wrote that. My whole universe consisted of their two precious faces. I couldn’t even see the rest of their bodies, just two little masks of pain. I wasn’t much older than they when the father of a friend on my soccer team murdered his mother and then killed himself right in their living room. His little sister and my friend had been hiding in their room as their parents yelled at each other. The only thing he remembered hearing before the shots was his father yelling, “They’re better off with dead parents than this.”
There had been a terrible fight between his grandparents for custody, and his mom’s parents who lived in another state won. I never saw him again, but at that moment I knew just how his father had felt. It took every erg of my willpower not to get my gun and kill Judy. I’ve never hated anyone like that in my whole life. I thought I had, but until I saw what this was doing to my daughters I hadn't the tiniest inkling of what real hate was.
I know other things were said, the girls asked questions and Judy must have answered them. I couldn’t hear a sound. All I knew was that I was holding two waling little treasures. Finally a question penetrated, “But, Mommy why don’t you love Daddy anymore?”
I blinked and color returned to the world. I saw a creature, it couldn’t be human. No human could bear the pain written on the body that looked like Judy’s. Its face was a confused contortion of pain trying to radiate love to my daughters, “Mommy still loves Daddy, she will always love Daddy...”
I jumped in, "You won't understand this until you get older, but Mommy had to choose and she choose him. Sometimes people love more than one person but you can only be married to one. Mommy needs to be married to Mr. Capote, but we're all going to try to make this as easy on you as we can. Mr. Capote will love you very much, but I will always be your daddy. You're just getting an extra person to love you, just like mommy is."
Carrie, always the more demonstrative of the twins pulled herself out of my arms, rushed her mother and began to windmill blows on Judy using every ounce of her strength. Laurie followed her sisters lead a few seconds later but she’d picked up a long brass kaleidoscope from the coffee table. Her first blow cut Judy’s forehead just above her left eye. I grabbed Laurie back, but made no attempt to help Judy. Instead I said in a voice that sounded unnaturally cold, “You’ve upset the girls, I think you’d better go. I’ll let the Captain know when you can pick up your stuff.”
Judy stood, blood pouring over her eye, and walked into the kitchen to get ice and paper towels. When she returned a few minutes later both girls had their arms wrapped around me and were crying. Judy started to open her mouth but I cut her off. "You will be staying with the Captain won't you, or do you want the girls to only call you on your cell?"
Washing her face had taken off her makeup and her eye was swelling shut, but her voice was calm when she answered, "It's where I've been the last two nights. I haven't said anything yet... I hoped we'd talk to him as a family..."
I cut her off again, "Girls, please go to your room, your mother and I need to talk alone for a few minutes."
As soon as they'd left I said, "As much as I admire and love the Captain, he's your father and I think you need to tell him alone. Besides, I'm sure you'll want to start planning the wedding."
I took a deep breath, "I've got a packet with some legal papers I've drawn up. I'd like you to take them with you. This is my plan for how to divide our property and settle our affairs... sorry bad choice of words. I will agree to pretty much anything you want, except the girl's custody and your using my name... I'll relent on that if you marry Capote as soon as this is final, it'll help hide what happened from the girls, but either way, I want this over in the minimum time, which is sixty days from Monday.
"I sort of lost it a minute ago, but if you'll agree, we can meet with our lawyer in the morning and work out a deal. I'm sure your boss will give you the day off and I want the papers filed by tomorrow night. If we can do that, I'll promise to do everything I can to help your relationship with the girls. I'll never tell them, the Captain, or anyone else that you're a lying cheating whore who tore up our happy home."
Judy had been looking like she wanted to interrupt but her tears finally started to fall. Without a word she turned and walked quietly out the door.
When I finally got the girls down for the night, I retired to my chair. I put my head in my hands and I whispered, "The Captain, oh shit, this is going to kill him. I'm so sorry this had to happen to him; he doesn't deserve this!!"
Judy's father had retired as an admiral, although he never served in that rank and refused to use the title. His last command had been one of the super aircraft carriers. A botched landing when he was riding backseat with a pilot new to the ship had left him paralyzed from the waist down. Although I had never been able to think of him as crippled, he lived in a wheelchair and had to pee through a tube. Judy, a very late first child, was fathered just before his accident.
Judy's mother had passed away from cancer when Judy was still in junior high, and the Captain raised her all by himself. I've never met a finer man. He was as much my father as my own, more. No, that's not fair, my father was a good dad, he just spent his life as a petroleum engineer and geologist. He was gone more than he was home, and while he did his best we were never close.
It was different with the Captain. I had always said I could never leave Judy unless the Captain left her too. He was the first man I'd ever admired who also treated me like a man instead of as a kid. Judy and I still had almost a year and a half of school left when we got married. Even I knew I was a bit immature for marriage, but the Captain brought out the best in me. Trapped in a wheelchair, still he was the most intimidating man I'd ever met and... I guess I could go on for days about how I felt about him and the influence he'd been in my life.
I took a deep breath, looked at the clock and for a second tried to convince myself it was too late to call him. He answered on the second ring. "Son, first let me say that I'm on your side. She's my daughter, and I love her, but I can't believe she did something this stupid. I know she's confused, but..." we talked for a long time. He talked about problems he'd seen in the Navy with wives cheating when their husbands had been gone for six months or even a year. He never actually said that some of them lived happily ever after, but I knew where he was going. As much as I wanted, I had too much respect for him to cut him short. Finally he got to his point. "I've read your paper work, is there any chance that if I beat this silly bitch to a bloody pulp that you'd consider giving her another chance?"
I had to smile at the Captain's hyperbole. He and I had talked many times about the problem with trying to spank our girls. We both believed that the mild spanking of a young child was more effective than trying to reason with an immature brain, but neither of us was very good at it.
I felt a coldness in my chest, and I worried that I might be having heart problems. "No, sir. Captain, I'm sorry but this wasn't a one time mistake. I've never understood how a man could kill his wife, but I do now. I'll spend the rest of my life working on forgiving her, but even if I could, I still couldn't live with her."
I sighed, I hadn't wanted to hear the words, especially coming from my own lips, but I couldn't equivocate with the Captain. "Besides, Sir, even if I could, we talked and she loves him. I couldn’t live with that, not even for the sake of the girls."
The Captain's voice got very soft, "Son, she's pretty screwed up right now, if you give it some time..."
"She said they were talking marriage, I didn't even know what was going on and they were talking marriage. I know I was working long hours, but... I just can't excuse this. I want her to marry the bas... the guy, and we'll both live with it. I've said I won't bitch about her. Captain, our marriage is dead. But I do think it would be best if the twins didn't grow up thinking their mother threw away our marriage for the cheap thrills of a fling.
There was a long pause, "She hadn't told me that. Son... Son, are you sure this is what you want to do? You want to push her into this marriage?"
I made my voice as firm as I could. "Judy and I will always be tied together by the twins. Right now I have absolutely no respect for her. If she marries, at least she's trying to do the honorable thing. Who knows, maybe a few years from now we can both look at this dif..."
The Captain broke in, "If she marries him it's going to be bad, and that will make it awfully hard on our relationship, yours and mine..."
"You'll always be the girls granddad, and I'll always be their father. I'll let you decide how much more you're comfortable with, but... but I'll never be the one to step back from what you and I have."
I heard the Captain sigh; then he said, "This is harsh, but we'll play it your way. She's made her bed, I guess we'll just have to see how much she likes it, but... but, you know how I feel about you and you know I don't think two wrongs make a right."
I don't know how many times I've heard some variation of the expression "hard heart." All through our conversation, I'd been feeling mine morph. I didn't exactly hear a voice in my head, but I knew I was crossing a line, a line that turned my heart into case-harden steel. "I know sir, but I don't have a choice I couldn’t take her back now and look myself in the mirror. As much as I loved Judy, I won't be a wimp husband. Even if I were willing, what sort of example would that set for my girls? Judy severed our marriage bonds. The sooner we make it legal the better, the sooner we past this, the sooner the future can work itself out."
If I hadn't known the Captain, I might have thought I heard tears in his voice, "Son, I'm going to encourage her to take your offer, to... to get this settled tomorrow. Just promise me that you and I can continue to talk, that you won't shut me out no matter how bad it gets. Please, promise me that..." His voice broke.
My own voice was a bit husky when I said, "You have my word on it, sir."
There was a very heavy silence and I heard the Captain croak something that might have been goodbye. I didn't trust my own voice to say even that. I knew his pain was worse than mine, he loved us both. I hung up the phone and though I tried, I had no tears. I didn't like myself very much and I hated Judy for making me this way.
Three months later:
I sat, alone, at a table near the back of the huge auditorium. While I was coming forward to claim my prize, they announced that I was the youngest person ever to receive the award. At 28 I was seven years younger than the previous youngest. I got up, made an acceptance speech and tried not to let the ashes in my mouth show too much. Still, it was impossible not to remember the days after I learned I was the winner.
The Captain had come to the lawyers office that Monday morning and anytime Judy started to balk at one of the terms he browbeat her into a good compromise. We were finished before noon and the papers were filed before the courthouse closed. Sixty-one days later the judge read the decree in open court and we were divorced. A week after that Judy became Mrs. James Capote. It hurt, and the girls cried for the whole week they were on their honeymoon.
As I flew home, for the first time I was aware of just what I'd lost. I was the hottest architect on the planet. Clients were begging to give me retainers. Yet here I was, alone on a plane. I had the girls, my parents, but... but although I'd killed the mastodon and I didn't have a mate to bring the prize to.
When I got home my service was inundated with calls from potential clients. The only call I answered was the one from the Captain. He said all the right things to make me feel good, to let me know how proud of me he was. Then using a gentle voice he asked, "When did you find out about it?"
When I told him, he cursed, as only an ex-Navy man can. When he'd calmed down he said, "That sucks! That really sucks." Then in a quieter tone he said, "I know what it feels like to have life kick you in the balls. Words can't help, but I'm here for you." He paused for a long time then added, "Son, there's nothing I can do to make it better, but if you'd like to go out and kick up your heels, I'll either watch the girls or join you and put it on my tab."
"Thanks Captain, if you can refrain from talking about her, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be out with tonight."
I did go out with the Captain, but I think that was the most forlorn week of my life.
Two years after the divorce:
Once again I was in New York for a professional triumph. At this year's banquet my number of Frank Lloyd Wright prizes increased to four. I'd won on a home last year and I won on another home this year for an unprecedented threepeat! My fourth prize was for a commercial building I'd designed for the city of Midland. The architecture world went crazy over that. I was also the first person to win in two separate categories in the same year in the history of the prize. So why was I sitting at a table without a single friend? Alone among total strangers? Why was I more lonely than I'd ever been in my life?
Why was I lonely? It wasn't because people weren't contacting me. I'd had to get an unlisted home phone because potential clients from all over the world were calling at all hours of the night. I was gone more than I intended, but at least when I was home, I was home. I'd built an office attachment to my house and only went to the downtown office under dire threats. When I was home I never worked while the girls were out of school. Except for the month Judy had them, our summer was one long tour. Granted, some of that was visiting potential construction sites, but the girls loved seeing where my next design might be built. Besides, we spent most of the time exploring the surrounding area. I never wanted a design of mine not to harmonize with the local environment.
Why was I lonely? It wasn't for the lack of attention by the fair sex. I hadn't dated much, but I'd had women calling me from all over the world asking if I could meet them. It seems that the story of my "broken-heart" at the time of what should be my greatest triumph had been picked up nationally and the world was full of women with big hearts who wanted to help mend it. That I was raking in money faster than the mint could print it probably didn't hurt either.
Unfortunately, I didn't like myself, not even a little!
I couldn't like, much less fall in love with someone else, until I did. I hadn't been celibate, I could have all the sex I wanted, I just hadn't found anyone who would make love, or more accurately, to whom I could make love. I couldn’t get past my issues. I just couldn't think very highly of any woman who would want someone like me.
Rather than blame myself, I tried to blame it all on trust. I told myself I just couldn't trust, and unless I reached that point I wasn't going to bring anyone home whom the twins might attach to.
Frankly, divorce sucks! As a supposedly adult person, I hadn't found it much fun, but as a parent it was breaking my heart to see what it was doing to my beautiful girls. They never said a word about their mother, but constantly let "slip" comments about their step-father and his children. They never mentioned anything more than shouting matches with their step-siblings but I knew that it had to be difficult for them. I tortured myself with wondering about just how hostile that household might be to them.
** ** ** ** **
I'd caught the red eye back from New York and was sitting in my easy chair trying to recover from my the trip when the phone rang. The Captain didn't waste any words. "Son, that son of a bitch has put her in the hospital this time. He started beating her right after you got him fired and now he's put her in the hospital. You've got to get her out there before he kills her. Even if you won't do it for Judy, think about the twins. They shouldn't see their mother being used for a damn punching bag."
I felt a stab of panic, "Where are the girls..."
"Relax, they're fine. They were spending the night at their girlfriend Lara's house, and I called your folks to pick them up. Your folks were off like a shot with them on one of their trips. They'll bring them to you Sunday evening."
I breathed a sigh of relief, "Why don't you come over and we can talk about it. This is the first I've heard that he's been beating her. Why would she allow that?"
"You know why, don't pretend with me. You… No, we did everything we could to push her into that marriage. If she didn't know at the time that you were out to give her a taste of her own medicine it didn't take long to figure it out. She feels so guilty about what she did, she'd accept anything, even his beatings."
I gritted my teeth, I could deceive myself but I couldn't fool the Captain. "I didn't think it would ever get this far..."
"You knew he was a bastard, what did you think he'd do when he found out you were responsible for his firing and the sexual harassment charges?"
I swallowed hard, "I guess because I'd never think about hitting a woman I just assumed he wouldn't either --- Come on over, Captain, and we'll work it out I promise."
There was a long silence and then the Captain's voice turned determined, "This shit has to stop! No one can do that to my baby. Judy made me promise not to do anything rash the last time... I may be stuck in this chair, but... this shit has to stop!"
"Sure... Captain, I AM sorry... for your sake... I really never thought it would come to something like this."
"I'll be there in about an hour and half. I'm going to stop by the hospital to see if I can convince Judy... damn him! God DAMN him to hell!" he hung up, and I felt a chill run down my spine. That last hadn't been a profanity but a heart felt curse. The Captain was in his sixties and not in the best of health, but he'd never been a man to stand by when an innocent was attacked.
As I waited I thought about my latest revenge. When the divorce went through, I'd spent days, weeks, trying to come up with a method of getting back at Capote. I just couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't hurt me worse than him.
I was in pretty good shape but even though he was almost twenty years older he was close to his weight when he played linebacker for Tech. I might be able to land a sucker punch, but even if he didn't press charges, I wasn't confident I could take him in a fight, unless I was prepared to spend years in something like Karate, as if I had time for that. I checked Texas laws and I couldn't file an alienation of affection. Judy might have a case for sexual harassment, but I didn't.
For over a year and a half my lack of revenge was like a big embedded splinter I couldn't pull. Then I got a gift from fate. The CEO of Capote's company "casually" bumped into me at a charity event. For heaven's sake, the event was in Midland and the man lived in New York City. Somehow he got advanced word of my this year's FLW public building award and wanted me to design a large office building for them in Midland. I set up a meeting, showed him a computer image of a design I'd worked on over the years.
Then I told him the truth. If it was any other company in the world I'd jump at the chance to build the dream I'd worked on since I was a kid, but no amount of money could buy it for his company!
Of course in a company that size he'd never heard of Capote, much less my ex-wife. When I insisted I wouldn't work for a company that allowed that sort of behavior, he didn't take it very well. A few weeks later Capote was fired for sexual harassment. The CEO called me to thank me. He said Capote had been accused half a dozen times of harassment during his fifteen years with them. He told me that he had two recent cases re-investigated, found a new one and established a basis to fire him! We signed a contract a week later.
Like I said, professionally I was on top of the world, but with the Captain's call I was afraid my personal life was about to hit a new bottom.
When the Captain arrived, over an hour late, he just wheeled into the house and didn't give a reason for the delay. Without waiting for me to offer coffee or anything else he launched. "Jesus Son, she's a mess. She'll be in the hospital for at least a week. Hell, they only kept me three days when I had a sextuple bypass!"
He was trembling and I couldn't help but notice that it stopped right at the point where he was paralyzed. That added to the pathos. He was quiet for about ninety seconds and still wasn't under control when he continued. "I can't allow this! I supported everything you've done to her because I thought she deserved it. But, she doesn't deserve this and you have to put a stop to it!"
"How can I stop it Captain, she's not my wife, I don't have any power to do anything. All she has to do is divorce him or press charges..."
The Captain's voice crackled with a command authority I'd never seen. I suddenly knew how one of his junior officer must have felt when they screwed up on his carrier. "Don’t try that bullshit with me. I was there, I helped you! Damn it, you knew what you were doing and you did it. You wanted her to know what it felt like to have someone you loved cheat on you and made sure she would. I love you, but you're as cold-eyed a bastard as I've ever met. You'd have made a good fighter-bomber pilot. You attack with a plan but without emotion. You knew what you wanted to do to Judy and you did it. But for the love of God, tell me you didn't intend for this to happen."
I came within a nanosecond of a hot denial, but the look in his eyes froze my words. I hung my head, "Yeah, Captain, I knew what I was doing. I knew that any man who cheated like he did wouldn't stop cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater."
I looked up and met his eyes. They weren't hard or even angry, as I'd expected but showed a hint of what I thought might be compassion. I swallowed hard and continued. "I didn't think she'd stay with him. Midland's a small town in a lot of ways, I made sure she knew he was cheating and I thought she'd divorce him..."
He cut me off, "Were you going to take her back?"
"No, Captain I loved Judy, but I couldn't live with someone who didn't love me or who chose someone else. I might have been able to forgive her cheating but not her falling in love with someone else. I know I pushed all her buttons to get her to marry him. I used the girls, I thought I was using you and I used her own morality, to push her into a marriage I was sure wouldn't last a six months. I wanted to hurt her, but..." I stopped I wanted to say I didn't want her hurt like this, but I wasn't sure I meant it. I was sorry for Captain's sake, but damn it she'd made her bed and I was more than happy that it was made of nails!
The Captain locked eyes with me, "I tried to get her to leave him when I saw her at the hospital but she wouldn't. The only man who can make her leave is you. You sentenced her to this, you're the only one that can commute it. Isn't it about time you showed her a bit of mercy?"
The Captain was quiet for a bit, "Frankly, this didn't work out they way I thought it would. I'd hoped that after she'd learned her lesson, repented and crawled back on her hands and knees you'd take her back. I've never seen anyone as devoted as you were to her. I still think if she'll leave him you'll take her back. But I don't understand why you think she stopped loving you?"
"I asked her that night and she said, 'I did love you." Not 'I do love you.' She used the past tense and that's when I knew there was no hope!" It was lame response to his question, but it was the best I could do.
The Captain exploded, "That's it! That's all you had? The tense of one word!" The Captain got control and gave me a hard look. "No... no, you knew better than that. It's about damn time you found out about what this has done to her!" he'd been shouting then stopped. After a few seconds seemed to get control of himself. He made one of those 180 degree turns that reminded me of motorcycle doing a wheelie and sped for my front door. "Wait right here, I need to get something from the car..." He then did another 180, faced me and using that command voice I'd not heard before, he ordered, "No! You do it. On the passenger seat of my car you'll find a brown paper grocery sack with some books in it. Bring them here."
I normally don't respond well to perfunctory orders, but I retrieved them. When I offered him the sack he instructed that I put in on my table. "Did you know that Judy kept a journal?" When I shook my head he continued, "Well I didn't either but she did. When I got to the hospital I railed at her about getting a divorce but she wouldn't listen.
"When I calmed down a bit I asked what excuse he gave for this beating and she said he'd just bought a new journal and he saw it. He demanded that she turn over her old ones and she refused. A blind man could see my baby was scared of what he'd do if he found them. When I offered to pick them up for safekeeping, she jumped at the offer. She made me promise not to read them before she told me where they were hidden. I also promised that I wouldn't let the guy I took with me read them..." He looked at his chair. I couldn't reach her hiding place. She had them hidden in the attic under some of the insulation so I took a friend.
"I had her write me a note giving me permission to retrieve them up. I picked up the son of a friend of mine, a cop, and we went over there. He was wearing his uniform and Capote didn't give us any trouble. The place was a disaster area. Kyle climbed into the attic and when he got down, I retrieve her most recent journal. She'd cut the center out of a cook book. Capote glared at us the whole time, but that's all the gutless coward would do.
"I haven't read them, and I know Kyle didn't. I did NOT promise not to give them to you and you did NOT promise not to read them." he paused and gave me another of those penetrating stares. "Look, Son... and I couldn't love you more if you were my flesh and blood. Judy has a room full of faults, but she's not a liar..."
He paused again and my face must have betrayed my thoughts because he continued, "Not telling you about her affair is a kind of lying, but we both know that if you'd asked her straight up she would have told you. Even so, what's in those journals is her talking to herself. It's going to be the straight unvarnished truth. You know that. I want you to read them. Figure out why she did what she did. We both know it wasn't because she fell in love with that jackass!
He paused and rubbed his chin. "I can't make you forgive her, but they say 'that to understand all is to forgive all." Maybe if you know more... well if you can't forgive maybe... for God's sake, you can have mercy on her... please!"
The Captain left and I sat there looking at the sack of journals, but my mind wasn't on them. My mind was still on the Captain's last words. He'd said mercy twice. He'd said I had Judy at my mercy. I didn't like the idea, but I wasn't sure I understood the concept. I went to my computer and called up the American Heritage Dictionary and checked the definition of "mercy."
It gave four meanings starting with the most common first: "
1. Compassionate treatment, especially of those under one's power; clemency. 2. A disposition to be kind and forgiving: a heart full of mercy. 3. Something for which to be thankful; a blessing: It was a mercy that no one was hurt. 4. Alleviation of distress; relief: Distributing food among the homeless was an act of mercy."
I angrily clicked it closed and tried to rationalize what I'd done to Judy. I just gave her what she wanted... I just helped her make a moral choice to marry the man... but I couldn't even finish that thought. Yes it was her choice and she was responsible, but... I pushed her. What's more I knew I had "power" over her. Even in the process of getting divorced I knew she wanted to do anything she could to make up for the pain she'd caused me, and I'd used that shamelessly.
I certainly wasn't in any disposition to be kind or forgiving... I thought about that. It was true, but who did I still want to punish? Judy or Capote? I'd wrecked his career, no one would hire a man for any sort of management job when he had a fifteen year gap in his record. Yet if he cited his last job, any check would reveal that he was fired for repeated sexual harassment that resulted in legal settlements. Who would take that sort of risk? He was currently working in a convenience store, and lucky to have that. Quite a come down from a six figure salary. Yet, I recognized that I still didn't think the books were balanced. I wanted him killed in a robbery!
In a flash of insight I realized that in my mind the books would never balance as long as he had Judy. I might not want her, but he damn sure didn't deserve her, and that was before he began hitting her!
I didn't think the third definition of mercy applied in this case but what about the fourth. Was I inclined to alleviate Judy's pain? I didn't think so, but that realization didn't make me think too highly of myself. In fact it made me feel a bit ashamed.
I tried to remember anything I could about mercy and I remembered a phrase "The quality of mercy be not strained." I had no idea what it meant or where it came from so I googled it. This is what I found:
Origin
From Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.
PORTIA: The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
... It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice.
From Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.
PORTIA: The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
... It is an attribute to God himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice.
It didn't make me feel any better!
I was still bushed, it was just a bit after noon, but by my body clock it was the middle of the night. The air was hot inside, but boiling outside, as if you would expect anything else in Midland in late July. I went to my room and sprawled across my bed and I dreamed; I didn't care much for what they showed me.
When I woke up it was 4:30 AM. I found I was mumbling the phrase "to understand all is to forgive all." In the heavy darkness of that predawn, I wondered if that cliché were true. If I understood, would I forgive? What would that forgiveness look like?
I had sworn that I wouldn't look at her journals, but I now I wanted to find answers.
Initially I'd just intended to read what she might have written about the affair. The problem was that she almost never gave the year and only rarely the month. Instead she used the day of the week. It was immediately clear she wasn't writing for anyone else to read, she wasn't really writing for her to read. This was how she tried to makes sense of the events in her life.
Once I started reading, I just couldn't stop. This was the essence of the woman I loved more than I thought a man could love a woman. I might have hated what she'd done... I did hate what she'd done, but this was soul of the creature I would have fought a hundred dragons to shield.
I picked one of the books, opened it and began to read.
It is done! The cavalry didn't come over the hill the good guys didn't arrive in the nick of time. Matt didn't stop the wedding. As I stood there at the altar, my daughters crying in their little bridesmaid dresses, the words "does anyone here have any reason..." and Matt didn't burst into the church and save me. I said the words, and this time I won't break them!!!!!!!!!!
What a silly fantasy. I didn't even know I'd been hoping to be rescued until this morning, so why would anyone else. Now, I am truly fucked, in every sense of that word. I think it began to dawn on me around sunrise. There really wasn't any reason to think that James would make love to me on our wedding night, he never had before. At least he finally stopped making fun of Matt while he fucked me. I hated that, and last night I told him that if he didn't stop it, I'd start talking about how much I loved Matt's larger cock. I just wish I'd done it the first time he did it. When he finally wore himself out and started snoring I fled to the bathroom and I cried for over an hour.
Now, James is out playing golf, what kind of man plays golf alone on his honeymoon? The kind of man who wants me to say "fuck me JAMES." He doesn't want a nickname or an endearment, just that very formal JAMES!" I vow I'll never do that again! Oh Matt why did you make me marry him? But I know that don't I?
I saw your face that Friday night and a large slice of me died. Still, I kept hoping, praying for you to change your mind about this marriage I'm now condemned to.
Would it have made any difference if I could have explained it to you? But how could I explain what I don't understand? How could I have resisted all his none too subtle hints that my job depended on making him happy then meekly obeying when to ordered me to have a 'drink' at his condo.
Why did I work so hard to keep what was happening from Matt? He would have put a stop to it, he would have rescued me. But then for the last month I wasn't sure I wanted to be rescued was I? Did I actually start loving James, or did I convince myself I did to justify what I was doing to the man I did love?
Well, if I did think I loved him, he's managed to kill it over the past two months, constantly bragging about how he 'won' me from a younger man. Parading me around like a stupid trophy... Oh my God that's what I am! I'm his twenty-eight year old trophy wife! His way to feel young as he faces fifty! Oh God what have I done?
Who can rescue me now?
What a silly fantasy. I didn't even know I'd been hoping to be rescued until this morning, so why would anyone else. Now, I am truly fucked, in every sense of that word. I think it began to dawn on me around sunrise. There really wasn't any reason to think that James would make love to me on our wedding night, he never had before. At least he finally stopped making fun of Matt while he fucked me. I hated that, and last night I told him that if he didn't stop it, I'd start talking about how much I loved Matt's larger cock. I just wish I'd done it the first time he did it. When he finally wore himself out and started snoring I fled to the bathroom and I cried for over an hour.
Now, James is out playing golf, what kind of man plays golf alone on his honeymoon? The kind of man who wants me to say "fuck me JAMES." He doesn't want a nickname or an endearment, just that very formal JAMES!" I vow I'll never do that again! Oh Matt why did you make me marry him? But I know that don't I?
I saw your face that Friday night and a large slice of me died. Still, I kept hoping, praying for you to change your mind about this marriage I'm now condemned to.
Would it have made any difference if I could have explained it to you? But how could I explain what I don't understand? How could I have resisted all his none too subtle hints that my job depended on making him happy then meekly obeying when to ordered me to have a 'drink' at his condo.
Why did I work so hard to keep what was happening from Matt? He would have put a stop to it, he would have rescued me. But then for the last month I wasn't sure I wanted to be rescued was I? Did I actually start loving James, or did I convince myself I did to justify what I was doing to the man I did love?
Well, if I did think I loved him, he's managed to kill it over the past two months, constantly bragging about how he 'won' me from a younger man. Parading me around like a stupid trophy... Oh my God that's what I am! I'm his twenty-eight year old trophy wife! His way to feel young as he faces fifty! Oh God what have I done?
Who can rescue me now?
As I continued to read a few thing slowly became clear. First, Judy was a subservient personality! She wasn't a submissive, but she was very inclined to bend her will to that of someone she perceived as having power over her. She saw Capote in that capacity and he seemed to have figured out how to take advantage of her.
Second, I had no idea just how deep the pain of not having other children was for her. She was afraid that I'd just used my business as an excuse. She was afraid I'd given up for good when we'd stopped the fertility treatments. She'd been crushed and resentful. I hadn't had grasped just how important it was to her. I think her depression made her even more susceptible to a user like Capote.
It didn't make her any less responsible for her affair. She still made the choice to submit to Capote. Her journal make clear that she knew what she was risking when she took her clothes off and spread her legs for him. She was guilty as sin and she knew it. I don't think she ever figured out why she did it, but she rarely made an entry when she didn't bemoan her weakness.
There were other surprises. She'd figured out I was trying to punish her by forcing her to marry Capote the first time she caught him cheating. She'd thought about it and decided she deserved the punishment.
Instead of complaining, she went on for pages about the pain. Not hers, but a new and visceral understanding of how she'd hurt me. After the first time, she didn't write about it much. She didn't like it, worried that he might bring home an unwelcome social disease, but didn't really care who he slept with.
Then I found the part where her story got ugly. It broke my heart to see the simple stark words she used describe his abuse. "Put too much sugar in his coffee --- hard punch in the stomach, I bruised my hip when I hit the floor." That had happened within three months of their wedding!
She never made a big deal about them, she accepted his beatings as her just reward for what she did to me. What did break her heart was every time she thought I might have slept with someone. She went on for pages emoting and bemoaning the first time she was certain I'd had sex with another woman. In fact she was wrong about that woman, we never had sex, but I'd already had sex with another woman before that time.
My most recent love affair, combined with the beatings and the pressure from Capote, had made her close to suicidal. The pressure from Capote had been two-fold. He'd wanted her to go to a fertility clinic, his parents were willing to foot the bill, and he want her to allow him anal sex. She'd used all sorts of excuses on both, but the fact was she didn't want his child and she didn't want ever to do anything sexual with him she "hadn't done with my husband." That's what she called me repeatedly. Two years after the divorce she still rarely referred to me as anything other than her husband. She never referred to Capote that way.
When I closed the last journal I was exhausted, I went back to bed and I slept. One nice thing about owning your own design company is that you are allowed to be as eccentric about your hours as you wish. I had standing orders that no one was to ever call me at home for anything short of a collapsed structure. No one called for the next two days while I brooded.
At the end of that time, I still wasn't resolved. James Capote was in a world of hurt, he just didn't know it. I didn't know how I would dispose of him, the only question was whether he would survive the experience. I was seriously thinking about contacting some of the people I knew who preyed on construction projects. I wouldn't let them on any of my job sites, but even thugs liked nice houses. My fee for designing a house was now in the seven figures, and a bargain, based on what some of them had sold for. A botched robbery...
Still, Capote was a problem that could wait. What couldn’t wait was Judy. She would be getting out of the hospital in a few days and while I didn't know what I wanted from or for her, I knew I didn't want her going back to their home. Even if I'd cared nothing for her, the thought of the twins in the same house with Capote terrified me.
At least that's what I tried to tell myself. But every time I thought about taking action I'd have an image of Judy the way she used to look as she stripped for her "Cum down time," or a replay of my dream of that Friday night of the two of them making love, only now I added Capote jeering at my shortcoming as a lover.
The arguments went back and forth in my head. For every reason I could generate for granting mercy, I could come with an equally good reason why I shouldn't. As they went round and round in my head, I clicked on the news on TV to get relief. The announcer was talking about yet another atrocity committed by someone in the Middle East. I gritted my teeth and hung my head.
Bright and early on the third morning, determined but still very uncertain as to what I was determined about, I headed for the hospital.
When I got to her room, she was still sleeping. I stood beside her bed and peered at her face. It was a mass of ugly purple bruises, now fading to that horrible shade of green and brown. I'd never seen anyone so horribly beaten. I knew her cheek bone had been cracked although, thank God, not broken.
As leaned over her to see the other side of her face, I wasn't aware that I was weeping. I'll never know if it was one of my tears falling on her or my muffled sob that woke her.
Her eyes fluttered open and for just a second she smiled at me. Then as she became aware of where she was she gave a small shriek and covered her head with her sheet.
"Judy, we have to talk. I've seen it all and we'll both feel like something from a bad movie if we try to talk through that sheet."
She made a sound between a chuckle and a snort but lowered the sheet. Although she was smiling, it didn't extend to her eyes. "Daddy told me that he gave you my journals. He had no right to do that, and I'm sorry that he did. I got pretty mad but then I realized that I had never wanted to hide anything from you. If you'd asked I'd have given them to you. I don't remember what all I wrote, but I would appreciate it if you clean them up before you ever let the girls read them."
I chuckled, "I could never let them see what you thought about our dating years..." I looked at her eyes and they were so wide open that indeed I felt I had a window into her soul. It was her whole soul. I had always loved to see her naked body. Images of her showing it to Capote had been my very worst nightmare, even worse than picturing him fucking her. But this, what she was allowing me to see now was too naked, it was too much. No human should ever be as vulnerable as she was to me.
In a very soft voice she almost whispered, "I wish I could tell you why I did it. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to, but I did. I don't blame you for divorcing me, or getting me to marry James. It's what I deserve, but I want you to know I'll still do anything to make it hurt you less."
She paused to blow her nose, which turned into a snort, looked chagrined and continued. "I can't even say I didn't know how much it would hurt you when you caught me. I thought it would be right after that first time. When it kept going on, I didn't know what to think. I never loved you any less, but I think I wanted you to rescue me and as strange as it sounds I think I was upset that you didn't. I kept dropping all the hints like "mommy's cum down time" and you never said anything. I've always wanted to ask if you didn't suspect before that night?"
I gritted my teeth, "No, I didn't. My trust for you was absolute. If you'd told me the sun was rising in the west I would have called the McDonald Observatory over in the Davis Mountains to ask why, and then argued with them if they tried to deny it.
She took a deep breath, held it, then slowly released it. "I never belonged on that kind of pedestal, I could live like..." She paused then as she was wont to do and changed tacks. "Where do we go from here?"
I gave her a half smile, she knew how these sudden changes in the course of a conversation affected me. I'd loved the agility of her mind but hated having to plod after her. "First, you don't go back to his house. Ever, that's final."
She cocked her head and gave me the expression a teacher might give a particularly slow student, "That's not an option, I married him, for better or worse, there's just been a lot more worse than I planned for..."
I could feel my temper begin to stir. "Judy that's not an option. Just pretend I'm riding a white horse and I'm here to rescue you. I’m telling you that you ARE NOT going back."
I saw a bit of confusion for the first time, "You read that in my journal didn’t you? I swore I'd never break my marriage vows again... you have to know that too."
I cut her off, "He's broken every vow of that marriage; he's cheated on you and he hasn't loved and cherished you. He killed this marriage, not you. You are not bound to him!"
She blinked several times and I saw indecision. "If you ever go back to him, I will not ever let you see the girls again. I can't risk his hurting them, too."
She broke, and with her head in her hands she cried. I sat on the bed and held her. When she realized what I was doing she clutched me to her and soaked my shirt.
When she'd cried out she said "Where will I go, what will I do?"
"I'll help you, and I'll make sure he can't hurt you... I'll get my lawyer to draw up divorce papers and restraining orders. If I bring those to you this afternoon will you sign them?" Without looking up Judy nodded into my chest.
That afternoon my lawyer and two of his secretaries arrived at Judy's room. He had her sign and his secretaries witnessed the documents. When it was all done he left to get them filed before the courthouse closed, leaving me alone with Judy.
She took my hand, held it to her cheek, still wet from her tears. Then with her eyes glistening she asked, "When this is all done, will you take me back?"
There was the question, the question I'd dreaded. I thought back to the insight I had while I listened to the news on TV. War, by its nature was brutal and inhuman. Yet if it wasn't to be a war where you took no prisoners, a war were every man, woman, and baby of the enemy was destroyed, you had to leave room for peace. Without mercy, you ended up with wars that lasted millennium. You had to show mercy to your enemy. Anything less and you were nothing but a savage. Mercy didn't mean surrender it just meant that you retained some portion of your humanity and let the enemy retain his. This was the time to show mercy to Judy. I did my best.
Five years later
I was sitting in the waiting room on the maternity floor. Judy was being moved from her labor room to the delivery room, another set of twins, boys this time. I was seated next to a nervous first-time father and we were talking when the nurse announced that Judy was ready.
Mark stood shook my hand and said, "I appreciate you coming by. It's going to be a tough couple of months isn't it?"
I smiled, "Yes, and the girls are going nuts. I'll try to keep them at my house as much as I can, but I'm going to have my hands full too.
He nodded nervously and left to join Judy as she gave birth. Mark's a good guy, a major in the army reserves, and a captain in the Midland Fire Department. He earned (not won) a silver star in Afghanistan and a second purple heart in Iraq. I admire him.
He was a good match for Judy and I was glad they'd found each other.
So, what about me? How had I answered that question Judy asked me five years ago?
I had tried to let my mercy show. "No, Judy I won't." Her face fell and the tears started again.
When she finally regained her composure she managed to meet my eye and asked "Why?"
I really wanted to say, "Because I want a wife I can put on a pedestal; not one I have to keep on a short leash to keep her faithful." But I didn't, Shakespeare's "gentle rain from heaven" droppeth and drowndeth my vitriol. Okay, I did say that, but I tried to say it in a merciful way. I said, "I understand us better now than when we were married. We just aren't a match. That doesn't make either of us a bad person, but you need someone who will give you direction, and that's just not me. I'm too wrapped up in myself. I will always have a special place in my heart for the woman to gave me the twins. No, that's not true either. You will always be my first love, but we just aren't right for each other. We've both made bad choices, but together as friends maybe we can help each other make better ones."
Mark was right for Judy. He didn't keep her on a leash, more like on the kind of tether a team of mountain climbers use. They were good for each other and Judy, secure in her tether, bloomed in a way she never had when we were married.
Mark and Judy lived in the same school boundaries as me. The twins could ride back and forth between our houses on their bikes. We didn't socialize, but we were very supportive of each other. If we didn't agree about something, we'd go to the Captain to arbitrate, and the girls never knew we had disagreed. The twins complained in mock bitterness that they were cursed with too many parents. Still for all their complaining, they loved Mark and he loved them. They were ecstatic about having some new brothers.
A lot of new brothers! You see I wasn't at the hospital to support either Mark or Judy; we weren’t that close. It was one of those strange tricks life plays on you. I was there to see my wife and our new twin boys who had been born the day before.
Happily ever after? Perhaps, mercy doesn't meant that you have to let the other avoid the consequences, just fewer than they earned. It meant I didn't have to punish Judy to the extent I could. To have taken Judy back wouldn’t have been mercy, it would have been something else.
I'd met my wife through a friend of Judy's and we were everyone's dream couple. I keep her on a special pedestal and she keeps my oversized ego in check. She loves my girls and they love her. If Judy hadn't cheated, we would still be married. It would have been better for the twins, but not for me. Perhaps we married too young. Perhaps we saw in each other acceptable mates and didn't wait for perfection. Perhaps we hadn't finished growing up and both of us changed when we did. All I know for sure is that I never was, nor could be as happy with Judy as I am with my wife.
Showing mercy to Capote was harder. It was close but I finally decided that having to work at almost minimum wage for man like him was enough. He was a broken man, I didn't need to break his body too. Okay, the jail time he did for the assault might have been a factor too. I did have reason to have him contacted about a year ago though. A very foolish woman, despite being warned, just "had to open her heart to this good man." I'll never understand why some people are such fools. When I heard about his wedding, my heart was so full of mercy for that foolish woman that I unburdened myself to a client. It just so happen that the cousin of a friend of my client's was in the high risk personal loan business. When said cousin happened to hear about the situation, he was so filled with the milk of human kindness he sent one of his business associates to see Capote and gently explain that good boys don't hit girls. I heard the lesson didn't have to be repeated. It's good to have friends in low places.
Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I still have a lot to learn and long way to go before anyone would consider me merciful. But here's the thing about failing to give mercy, it keeps you bound to the person or the problem. It's also an affront to your better nature. I couldn't forgive myself for what I'd done to Judy, but when I extended mercy to her, I was able to extend it to myself too. That broke that steel shell I'd created around my heart and opened it to the possibility of a happily ever after.
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"If you'd bought me chocolate instead of vanilla, none of this would have happened." 
Example of one broken up:
