Story Discussion: 20-Jun-2016. "The Bar in the Hotel Lobby" by string_theory

[string_theory]

Story Discussion: 20-Jun-2016. "The Bar in the Hotel Lobby" by string_theory

This is my first (completed) attempt at erotic fiction. It's very short, considerably less than will fit on one Lit page. It's categorized as Exhibitionist & Voyeur, but it's quite mild in that respect: all of the actual sex mentioned in the story happens in flashbacks to the privacy of a hotel room.

 

[string_theory]

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-bar-in-the-hotel-lobby

 

[geronimo_appleby]

second-person, present.

sorry, killed it for me from the off.

 

[string_theory]

I think often the sexiest part of the sexual process is anticipation. I set out here to write something that focused almost entirely on the anticipation: no long setup at the beginning and no big payoff at the end. It's like an erotic story that's all middle.

Does the format work, or do you end up wishing there was more at the beginning or the end? With something that tries to accomplish so much in so few words, I worry about choppiness: do transitions -- especially to flashbacks and back -- feel natural or are they abrupt and jarring? I spend very little time describing any of the characters: does that work to the story's favor or would it be sexier to be given a better idea of what the characters look like? Does it move too fast?

Thanks for anything. I'm not exactly new to writing, but this genre is pretty new to me.

 

[string_theory]

second-person, present.

sorry, killed it for me from the off.

Is that just a personal preference of yours, or do you think that makes the story weaker?

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Is that just a personal preference of yours, or do you think that makes the story weaker?

purely personal. i'll go back and read, but i ain't a fan of second POV. no disrespect intended, btw.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

I think often the sexiest part of the sexual process is anticipation. I set out here to write something that focused almost entirely on the anticipation: no long setup at the beginning and no big payoff at the end. It's like an erotic story that's all middle.

Does the format work, or do you end up wishing there was more at the beginning or the end? With something that tries to accomplish so much in so few words, I worry about choppiness: do transitions -- especially to flashbacks and back -- feel natural or are they abrupt and jarring? I spend very little time describing any of the characters: does that work to the story's favor or would it be sexier to be given a better idea of what the characters look like? Does it move too fast?

Thanks for anything. I'm not exactly new to writing, but this genre is pretty new to me.

this was said in another thread - mebbe story feedback? - but this is a scene.

i know nothing about either character, really. i got more about the barman than anything. him, i can relate to.

if this was part of something bigger, okay. but as it is, i'm sorry.

 

[lovecraft68]

Is that just a personal preference of yours, or do you think that makes the story weaker?

Second person in general turns most people off, honestly it always comes across creepy and stalkerish. It always makes me think I'm being hypnotized, "You do this, you said that, you are getting sleepy....sleepy"

It is also very hard to keep it up consistently and its very easy to slip into first person and then back again.

I think you'd be better off with first person straight through for this and anything else.

Third is an option as well, but then you'd really have to over haul the piece. You could make this into simple first person without as much work.