Some input on the very start of a story

[RachelPost]

I have started a yet unnamed story about a woman CEO and her younger personal assistant. Unknown to the other, each one finds the other desirable. I am opening the story with a back-and-forth flow. First from one woman's point of view, then the other. I want the reader to feel the tension building as each wrestles with their desire. Without taking up too much space, here's a section from the opening part of the book:

Hannah marveled at how gorgeous Katie was. She thought to herself, “I’d love to have a figure like hers, and that long red hair.” Katie’s tailored gray jacket and skirt were chosen because they showed both class and sensuality. A sense of arousal sparked in her brain. “God damn, that woman is hot.

Katie introduced herself and started off with, “To answer the question that many of you are asking, yes, I am qualified to take over the company with my father’s passing. Not only did he groom me for the position, but my engineering degree from M.I.T. demonstrates my knowledge to run the company.” She continued her speech, discussing how she planned to carry on the excellent reputation her father had built in the industry.

Hannah tried to stop the thoughts. It wasn’t appropriate, this woman was probably going to be her boss. Despite her best efforts, Hannah was trying to focus on what she was saying but got caught up in her infatuation with the woman at the podium. It had been months since she enjoyed the pleasure of another woman. Focusing on her breasts, she wondered, “What do those titties look like without the bra?” She became lost in the fog of desire, this had now become more than just a crush, it was turning into lust. She started thinking about them in bed together.

Katie finished her speech while Hannah was still in her fantasy world. “Excuse me, Hannah?” Hannah was surprised and a little startled. “Do you like what you see? Do I meet your approval?” Katie smiled and Hannah realized she’d been caught. Her face turned beet red with embarrassment. “It’s okay, I don’t mind you looking. I take it as a compliment. And if you are going to be my personal assistant, you need to get to know me all over.”

Katie looked Hannah over just as Hannah did her. She really liked what she saw. Her innocent face, the doe-like brown eyes, the simplicity of her outfit, and her petite perky breasts, hid modestly behind a conservative blouse. “Good god, I’d love to get to know her better.”


Please and thank you for your constructive input. Please remember, this is the rough draft of a fleshing-out of the story.

 

[GlennJenko]

It's good for a first draft.

I have a couple of notes, though some of them are more nitpicks based and personal preferences.

“God damn, that woman is hot.

Random thing to start, but there's a quotation mark missing at the end here. Also, is she still thinking to herself, or is this like a whisper to herself? Of course it's your story and your choice, but I think it could be interesting if this is muttered out loud and Katie catches Hannah mouthing the word "hot" while checking her out.

Also, it's a little unclear. Is this the first time they meet, or do they already know each other? Because if it is the first meeting, I think it maybe moves a little quickly from "I wish I was like her" to "she's attractive" to "oh this is lust." But that really could just be me.

The nitpick is that I personally don't use quotations when a character is thinking to themselves. So instead of being like, 'She thought to herself, “I’d love to have a figure like hers, and that long red hair.”', I'd write it as something like 'Hannah thought to herself that she would love a figure like hers, to have that long red hair.'

And finally, a random comment. In my WIP the FMC is also called Katie and also has red hair.

 

[CuttingEdge]

What you are looking for is called "the opening hook" in the writing world. There are a lot of videos online about how to do this, and I encourage you to watch some videos on the topic.

An opening hook is just kind of some quick words that immediately gain the interest of your readers and get them involved in your story. It has to be in the first sentence or two of your story, whether a short story or a novel. If it sounds daunting, it is because it is VERY daunting. I write mainstream non-erotic novels, and because the opening hook is so tough to pull off, I often write the second chapter of my novel first.

After looking at some videos of opening hooks, you may change your story some, but it is your call.

One way you might do that in your story is bring some tension into it right from the beginning.

'Don't bend over Katie. Please don't. Just don't', Hanna thought to herself as she looked at Katie at the water cooler. 'You really don't have to pick up that dropped cup', and then a second later, a long 'Damnnnnnnn', emanated in her mind as she watched Katie do just that... at the waist, bum glowing like a hunter's moon. "Damn, damn, damn".

This is an example of an opening hook. It sets your story apart and brings your reader right into the action. Katie is DOING something, and Hanna is internalizing just how she feels about what she is seeing Katie do. I think you can come up with something better than this I am sure, this is just an example, done at 3 AM with little coffee in me, but you hopefully see the point.