Sexless Marriages

[Tweedledude]

Sometimes humor is the only thing that helps

 

[Winchester3030]

Sometimes humor is the only thing that helps

Exactly

 

[JudyCD]

Sigh!!

 

[Hopeful1972]

Yes that part is particularly hard to deal with. That particularly is painful.

Yes, indeed

 

[Tweedledude]

Ya I'm thinking it's time for another week long walk about. US style in a car

 

[Hopeful1972]

Yay!
Another Saturday night without the slightest hope of sex.

#goingmadbyhormones

 

[Britva415]

A huge part of me wonders why others (both male and female) seem to get to have sex so easily, whereas it doesn't happen the same for me.

Are you married, and talking about sex with just the one person? What's the story with fidelity for you? If the one person isn't going to do it, then you aren't going to get it if that's your only option.

 

[Britva415]

Hang in there peeps…

Not sure what you mean, here. Hang in there for what?

Speaking for myself, hanging in there doesn't change anything, so, I made a change. My wife agreed to extramarital sex.

 

[Hopeful1972]

Are you married, and talking about sex with just the one person? What's the story with fidelity for you? If the one person isn't going to do it, then you aren't going to get it if that's your only option.

I am married, but the people I spoke of seem to get sex effortlessly, 4-5 times a week for instance...

 

[Canisborealis]

From what I can tell after being here awhile and chatting to others, we make up the majority in here!! It always amazes me how so many of us in our 40’s & 50’s eventually find ourselves in this situation

You’re in the right place!

And our 60s, and 70s .....

 

[Congeekid]

I was with my ex-girlfriend for 4 and a half years, and we only had sex for the first 6 months. I had to deal with my sexual desires on my own for the next four years, so even though I'm still married, I understand how it feels. .

 

[Tweedledude]

My wife and I get along great in every aspect except the most important one to me!!! Sex, I don’t think she has ever even thought about having sex. She says I am her only man but I really feel like something happened to her before we met that made her non sexual! I have lots of trust issues with finding a FWB - I have had one female friend in my life since I have been married that I would trust with my life but she was no go on the sex part

Almost exactly my story.
It's a sad tale. A very common situation...
Motorcycles, gym, work distractions hobbies etc....
Still isn't enough to remove the disappointment ie the morning of something that was never to be. Gadfry I'm on a downer

 

[Hopeful1972]

Almost exactly my story.
It's a sad tale. A very common situation...
Motorcycles, gym, work distractions hobbies etc....
Still isn't enough to remove the disappointment ie the morning of something that was never to be. Gadfry I'm on a downer

Sad but true. We feel hollow that something is missing, and cannot find an adequate replacement/ substitute.

 

[Tweedledude]

Yes exactly. It's interesting to watch the spouse charge ahead in life never considering that someone may be feeling isolated in their very relationship. It's a human mystery

 

[Winchester3030]

Yes exactly. It's interesting to watch the spouse charge ahead in life never considering that someone may be feeling isolated in their very relationship. It's a human mystery

You are so right, I can just never understand how my wife can never even think about sex, or at least if she does she never lets me know! I really think she is a lesbian and just will not let herself go to accept that fact

 

[Tweedledude]

I've had that thought. One author I've read a female author claims our Elizabethan/religious cultures from way back have engrained the female with all kinds of hangups most notably that it's not good to desire or feel desired. She claims that a woman can accept her sexuality but it's gonna take a pity darn good life coach or sexual therapist to get them there. But woman who see that there is nothing wrong typically won't put in the effort. But i see allot more books and of podcasts and ads for women coaches and sex therapists. For me it's too little to late. I made the conscience decision to stay in it for my kids. They are all adults now and are gone. I guess I've just gotten use to it though as you can tell I've spent way too much time reading and studying the topic.

 

[Tweedledude]

I don't want people to think it's an exclusive situation with women it isn't. Sexual disparity, that door swings both directions.

 

[Tweedledude]

I have been through the gammit including going to a shrink to see if was me.
Initially it was confusion, then anger, then disappointment, resentment then mourning, and now it's acceptance it ain't gonna happen. That's 44 years of wondering what the hell???? Okay now for silence

 

[Tweedledude]

It's happening over and over again. Anyone got a way of dealing with this?
I wake up to a list a regular litteny of items that she wants done. I've gotten used to that part but when the list wants me to go and get ie chauffer her about why is it that when i am ready to go she hasn't started to prep to leave yet. What the hell am i suppose to do with that? At wits end.

 

[TemptationTango]

Mlle Sophie,

My brain can easily do it, but my body won't separate intimacy from sex(Schwing!). If there is a way to stop that, do tell, because i agree, it puts pressure on an interaction when it is not needed.

It's been a while, but I recently had a mental and physical epiphany with the help of a woman on Lit. Out of respect, I will write it and make sure she is ok with the content before posting, so it may take a day or three.

 

[overwatcher]

I came to this thread because I have a friend living in a loveless, including limited (maybe a couple of times a year) sex marriage. Both mid-thirties. Started approximately 3-ish years ago. He thought there were signs of it before.

He and I are not old friends and have met socially for a couple of years, rarely with partners so my understanding of their relationship is what he's happy to tell me.

I have absolutely no skills with these types of problems which I told him. Why me? I don't talk much but I listen (this isn't about me).
So, while the conversation was initially awkward it developed to the stage where we were both comfortable.

He asked about my relationship and what we placed as important. That was easy, lots of communication from both of us and my partner isn't slow in coming forward when something nags her, that and she pretty much calls a spade, a spade. And it is conciliatory in the other direction too.

Just before our fourth meeting, we meet one on one, I found this thread and through a lot of your life stories it's given me some valuable insight and understanding, thanks for that.

I've been cautious in our meetings staying away from emotion, sex (the act) and love as much as possible concentrating more on day to day getting through, earlier individual and couple history. I have no idea if this is how it's meant to work but it works for him: He talks, I listen and comment or query when somethings not totally clear or I have a thought.

Before we finish our meetings, we've posed questions for him to ponder 'til next time. We've covered things like: 'Do you think that parental influence in her earlier life has coloured her present?' or 'What influence do friends lives or lifestyles present to you, or her and are you on the same page about it?'

He has found some difficulty with some, I think others maybe not been totally revealing. Thats absolutely fine like I said, ain't about me.
But the man now has a dairy. And he uses it religiously.

So, had our last meeting a few days ago and the questions that he needs to ponder over, 'Can I live without loving partner sex?' For once I told him to leave out any reference to a time frame. The second question came from us discussing the first question, 'Do WE need to renegotiate the terms of our marriage?'

The more I've thought about it I think we'll arrange a meet-up only when he's got answers that sit well for him.

 

[TemptationTango]

So I'm looking for friends with benefits out there. I absolutely don't consider it cheating because - she's not even in the game, so how can it be cheating???

It is not cheating. I used to think that way, because I tied sex to love...bonded forever. If you believe that, then your wife or s/o has violated it. For whatever reason, she walked out on sex. Leaving us totally abandoned to fend for ourselves. And there is my sticking point....ok, we know that the underlying cause is either a medical event/condition or a lack of hormones. A failure that is not a conscious act by the spouse....so "not guilty" we say. I now disagree. Societal norms have conditioned all of us to suck it up and never "cheat"....effectively sealing all other options shut.

Those that do cheat under these circumstances probably have guilt and living with that is harmful to the psyche. Those that don't cheat live a painful life along with the spouse. The answer is right in front of our face...the afflicted spouse has zero interest in something, so why not release their s/o from that one obligation?

 

[TemptationTango]

Ok, so an update on my situation. Wife was out of town with a family illness(Fuk Cancer). I had a lot of alone time, and I spent it thinking. Living in a sexless relationship....everyday is a ground hog day movie without the happy ending. I decided to try a new tact.

My wife has a hormone problem....blood test years ago....her numbers are at zero. Sex over the last 10 years averaged twice a year, usually ended badly. I tried to back off to only touching/hugging/kissing....nope, that made her feel obligated to deal with ROH....Rapid Onset Hardon (hey, I AM human).

So back to the story, I wait until she comes home and I sit her down and have a talk. I acknowledge that my physical reactions puts pressure on her, so I suggest no more sex attempts unless she wants to try. If I get hard from a hug, it will be ignored. I only ask that we be able to kiss, hug, touch in non sexual ways...she agrees. I reiterate how much this means to me...she is on board.

6-7 months go by,,,,nothing. No hugs, no kisses, no touching. I have kept out of her flight path, no innuendos, no pouting. What broke me was this....she walked by, and touched my shoulder. I looked up and there it was ...the pity face, I smiled, and she said, "Awe, it's been sooo long"....I said, "Yes, yes it has"...then she walked away. It crushed me...after 10+ years that was what it came down to..... I had been reduced down to an inanimate object, I felt, no longer human.

So, one night recently I was perusing Lit, and I got a PM, from a member,... a female member. Her sexless marriage was from a medical condition which effectively stopped intimacy years ago. After much discussion, her husband had allowed her to acquire a FWB. This is a huge step and kudos to her husband for loving her so much that he did something that only benefited her. It takes a big man to separate love from sex, it's not how men are wired.

So, we spent a lot of time talking online, getting to know each other...we mesh very well. We don't live close to each other, but it is doable. We went all private eye checking out each others back ground...and we met for lunch. I was a total wreck, literally vibrating from fear, a fear of failure, & the unknown. What I did not have was guilt, it was gone and I had not even really justified it in my own head. She held my hand, we talked for an hour and a half. I thought the waitress was going to go into defib because we kinda ignored her.

In the last 40+ years I have been with 2 women. My Ex and my current wife. Talk about a fish out of water. So we decide on a meet, at a Hotel. I do not kiss and tell, but I will say that both of us found exactly what we were looking for. We do not want to hurt anybody, we both love our spouses and want no changes there. Our needs are quite simple and un-complicated. We are two adults that need physical touch to survive in this world. We are already planning on a second meet and my vibrations are less, my confidence is boosted and a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

So, my suggestion to those that feel trapped. The chance of anything changing on it's own are minuscule. You have to change it by talking to your spouse and asking for some freedom. My wife years ago took on the "don't ask don't tell" attitude. That is not good enough for me & I will be talking to her soon. I will never go back and live the way I was living....the price was too high.

To the Lit ladies in similar relationships....maybe reach out to the men here on this thread, you just might find a friend for life, I know I did.

 

[overwatcher]

It's happening over and over again. Anyone got a way of dealing with this?
I wake up to a list a regular litteny of items that she wants done. I've gotten used to that part but when the list wants me to go and get ie chauffer her about why is it that when i am ready to go she hasn't started to prep to leave yet. What the hell am i suppose to do with that? At wits end.

You need to put together an exit strategy. Now. Not for your marriage. Not for your Wife. But for You. Y.O.U.

Your present situation is causing stress and obviously it's not going away.

If your health either physical or mental suffers because of stress it may very well put you in a state of strife neither you or your wife maybe capable of solving or finding a way back from.

You do not have to act on your strategy. Just put it together using the pro's and con's you come up with to give you a visible pathway or maybe, hopefully even an overall solution to some if not all of the problem. Find some answers that allow YOU some go forward. Good Luck.

 

[Tweedledude]

You need to put together an exit strategy. Now. Not for your marriage. Not for your Wife. But for You. Y.O.U.

Your present situation is causing stress and obviously it's not going away.

If your health either physical or mental suffers because of stress it may very well put you in a state of strife neither you or your wife maybe capable of solving or finding a way back from.

You do not have to act on your strategy. Just put it together using the pro's and con's you come up with to give you a visible pathway or maybe, hopefully even an overall solution to some if not all of the problem. Find some answers that allow YOU some go forward. Good Luck.

Thanks. I have a plan that covers from a daily routine to a long term plan. My daily gives me calm and joy in progress. Ie i train in a training gym and involve myself in activities to find calm. Retirement has been a bit of a stretch I've had to adapt there for sure.
I've just been Friday tried by the fact that for some people it's like talking to a concrete wall. It doesn't even register that perhaps for in some way their behavior is behind irritating. It's totally amazing. Thank goodness for trainers and friends.

Thanks much