Request for specific suggestions re length and structure of sentences.

[VerbalAbuse]

Is this a mechanism? What is the effect on H's hips? How does H react?


There's no intimacy here. No seduction.

Lewis had a dildo in his hand, long and thick, fluorescent pink with black veins that Lewis's fingers traced slowly with gel-slick fingertips. As he drew close, he stroked the shaft as if caressing a living cock, and grinned as he teased Henderson's anxious sphincter with a probing finger. Henderson's stomach clenched with each intimate touch, his cock achingly hard, throbbing with need, and he moaned with lust as much as denial as that lurid dildo pressed into his tight rear.

There's a mix of third person intimate and gratuitous wording here, that sits well with some readers, but not with others. How do we know the cock is aching hard? Or throbbing with need? Throbbing is a visual, the need isn't. I don't even know what throbbing with need can possibly be. Moaned with lust is easy to grasp, but the denial afterwards is a poor word choice. Perhaps frustration would have been a better choice. Sphincters don't have emotions -- anxiety or other types.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

A lot of writers like to throw gratuitous words at the scene, and I'm guessing, a lot of readers like that. More pretentious readers would hold you to stricter standards. Style is one of them. You can chose one in many, mixing them is a bad idea.

The sections of the table below his hips were dropped and Lewis drew closer with a thick dildo in his hand. He took his time applying lubricant. First he wiped it on with his palm flat. Then he drew a circle around Henderson's anus and then poked his finger in. Each lascivious touch caused Henderson's abdomen to clench and his penis to throb. Finally Lewis pushed the dildo into Henderson. It had been four years since he was used this way, and even though he offered no resistance and there was lubrication, the pain was significant. Even as he cried out the pain became mixed with warmth. Lewis jammed it in again and again and Henderson pulled on his legs to open himself as fully as possible. It was as if Lewis was pumping blood into Henderson's genitals.

What is the scene suppose to convey? The perspective of a third person? Is this narration third person omniscient? Third person intimate? It appears as if somebody not named is observing -- finally Lewis pushed the dildo into Henderson... Lewis jammed it in again and again... then he drew a circle around Henderson's anus -- these are actions Henderson cannot see directly, it cannot be his perspective. Yet, Henderson's life story intervenes here (It had been four years since he was used this way). Why? Is Henderson reflecting at it while getting fucked in the ass? If he is, then we're doing a third person intimate story telling. But truly, is that what's on his mind? The four years? It feels more like yet another somebody, an omniscient and reflective narrator tells the story. Somebody with an opinion or stake in this tells the reader something that's not then and there -- not in fact, not in any of the characters' minds. The pain was significant again suggests third person intimate -- we have access to Hen's mind.

The penis is throbbing already. What can pumping blood into it do to that? What's the visual?

We know there was lubrication. It has been established by Lewis applying it. Best not to mention it again in such short order.

Here's an objective rendering of the scene (an external observer, that has no access to the characters' minds):

The sections of the table below Henderson's hips were dropped. Lewis drew closer with a thick dildo and a jar of lube in his hands. He lubed Hen's asshole liberally, then proceeded to play with it. He drew circles around it with his thumb, then poked a finger inside. Henderson's abdomen clenched and his very erect penis throbbed. Lewis switched to using the dildo, which he slowly pushed and rolled inside Hen. He gradually increased the tempo, until it got to jamming it in hard, again and again in Hen's hole. In the midst of it, Henderson spread his legs further and pulled them down with his arms. He cried in pain for a while, then that turned to lustful moans.

Personally, I'm more for first person narrations. That way, you can convey freely the thoughts and emotions of one of the characters. Of course, you have to stick to what that character experiences. If he cannot see something, you don't mention it. In past tense, they can be accompanied by "later" commentary -- that is, you recount the story as you remember it, but in a structured manner, with observations that could not have occurred at the moment. It had been four years since I got fucked in the ass, boy, did it hurt... -- this is something reflected when telling the story, not an actual thought from the event.

 

[AlinaX]

There's a mix of third person intimate and gratuitous wording here... Sphincters don't have emotions -- anxiety or other types.

Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion and maybe you know now not to bother reading my stories.

But we often talk about body parts as if they have minds of their own. (I begged her to stop but my traitorous cock was more than willing to be used. My ass clenched with every teasing touch of her tongue, hungry even as I cried for less.)

Perhaps because the conflict between what the body wants and what the mind wants is a fundamental part of the eroticism of the forbidden.

One other thing. Denial and frustration convey two entirely different states of mind.

 

[StillStunned]

But we often talk about body parts as if they have minds of their own. (I begged her to stop but my traitorous cock was more than willing to be used. My ass clenched with every teasing touch of her tongue, hungry even as I cried for less.)

From one of my stories:

My friend Robert once said that when you're horny it becomes impossible to imagine that other people aren't horny as well. You start interpreting everything they do as an expression of their supposed horniness.

He could be right. It's quite possible that Gan's smile is perfectly innocent. That the flush on her cheeks is from the chill in the corridor outside my office. That the nipples on her slight breasts are pressing through her white top for the same reason. But I'm horny, and my cock's telling me, See? She's gagging for it!

When cock and reason collide, it's usually best to listen to reason. But like I mentioned, this is one mistake I can't help myself from making.

"You wanted to see me, Professor?" Gan asks. Her dark eyes are enigmatic. Little minx, my cock growls at her. Feigning innocence.

"Yes Gan. Have a seat." I've cleverly positioned the chair opposite my desk just far enough away that I can see her golden thighs above her knee-high white socks, all the way up until they disappear beneath that pleated blue skirt she likes to wear. What's she wearing underneath? my cock wants to know. See if you can get a look!

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion and maybe you know now not to bother reading my stories.

But we often talk about body parts as if they have minds of their own. (I begged her to stop but my traitorous cock was more than willing to be used. My ass clenched with every teasing touch of her tongue, hungry even as I cried for less.)

Perhaps because the conflict between what the body wants and what the mind wants is a fundamental part of the eroticism of the forbidden.

One other thing. Denial and frustration convey two entirely different states of mind.

Different writers write them differently. Needy eyes is fairly conventional and easy to picture. Anxious cock is, well, less so. I wouldn't know what the author meant.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion and maybe you know now not to bother reading my stories.

But we often talk about body parts as if they have minds of their own. (I begged her to stop but my traitorous cock was more than willing to be used. My ass clenched with every teasing touch of her tongue, hungry even as I cried for less.)

Perhaps because the conflict between what the body wants and what the mind wants is a fundamental part of the eroticism of the forbidden.

One other thing. Denial and frustration convey two entirely different states of mind nothing wrong

I see nothing wrong with traitorous cock. It's a matter a style. traitorous cock belongs to a comical / tongue-in-cheek / self-indulgent style, which may work great for some writers and some stories. Certainly, there'll be readers liking that.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

Different writers write them differently. Needy eyes is fairly conventional and easy to picture. Anxious cock is, well, less so. I wouldn't know what the author meant.

Anxious cock paints a pretty clear picture to me.

 

[AlinaX]

Different writers write them differently. Needy eyes is fairly conventional and easy to picture. Anxious cock is, well, less so. I wouldn't know what the author meant.

Is 'needy eyes' really a convention?

That aside, you seem to have a need to interpret and describe in an external and visual way. 'Needy eyes' is something you can see, an 'anxious cock' is not.

 

[StillStunned]

Anxious cock paints a pretty clear picture to me.

I'm pretty sure I've had it on occasion.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

I'm pretty sure I've had it on occasion.

But what about a needy cock?

 

[StillStunned]

But what about a needy cock?

Needy cock, anxious cock... It's all related.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

Needy cock, anxious cock... It's all related.

Angsty?

 

[StillStunned]

Angsty?

Is that when it goes dark and mopes around?

 

[AlinaX]

His cock was a good size, and very reliably hard whenever the mood struck me, but I must say it was a bit of a needy cock and I simply wasn't a big enough slut to have the patience for it.

 

[StillStunned]

I'm picturing something with a French beret and a pack of Gaulloise.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

Is that when it goes dark and mopes around?

The masculine equivalent of a depressed bean.

 

[AlinaX]

"Have you a condom, Monsieur?" Jacqueline asked, her insolent cunt pursing its sweet lips with cool indifference.

As his angsty cock peered uncertainly at her from beneath its blue beret, torn between danger and delight, Claude tapped his packet of Gauloises. "Here, my little Jesus," he said, offering a lit cigarette to his cock, "I think we'll both enjoy this..."

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

"Have you a condom, Monsieur?" Jacqueline asked, her insolent cunt pursing its sweet lips with cool indifference.

As his angsty cock peered uncertainly at her from beneath its blue beret, torn between danger and delight, Claude tapped his packet of Gauloises. "Here, my little Jesus," he said, offering a lit cigarette to his cock, "I think we'll both enjoy this..."

I definitely visualized this scene as black and white.

 

[alohadave]

Needy cock, anxious cock... It's all related.

Does an anxious cock randomly throw up?

 

[AlexBailey]

If I could spill some thoughts here…

A friend who is a new cop was talking about his trouble with writing reports, he was always wanting to add more description of the scene including detailed descriptions of the situation and the emotions of people on the scene. His supervisor kept telling him “just the facts, everything else is your own speculation and is usually inappropriate in police reports.”

It was fine to say someone was agitated but he was not supposed to say why.

When I read porn I want to know why someone feels the way they do and I want to know way more than just the objective facts.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

If I could spill some thoughts here…

A friend who is a new cop was talking about his trouble with writing reports, he was always wanting to add more description of the scene including detailed descriptions of the situation and the emotions of people on the scene. His supervisor kept telling him “just the facts, everything else is your interpretation and is usually inappropriate in police reports.”

It was fine to say someone was agitated but he was not supposed to say why.

When I read porn I want to know why someone feels the way they do and I want to know way more than just the objective facts.

Style matters. A police report must be written in a certain style -- sober, matter-of-fact, not familiar/comical/preachy.

Some talk about a "narrative device", a larger something that incorporates the style, but also who is the narrator, for what audience is he telling the story, with what goals, etc.

When you read a story, not just porn, you want to know stuff. What are the stakes, the feelings, motivations, etc. It is the duty of the writer to inform your understanding of what's going on.

The writer needs to decide what perspective he wants to project for the reader. Erotica -- written erotica -- in particular is about how people feel about the events around them. The objective facts tends to matter not that much -- because at their most objective they're bland, ordinary. For an instance, a couple is having sex. Nothing more ordinary and least interesting.

Given all this, the writer selects an appropriate style (and narrative device). The feelings of the characters can be described in many different manners, and it should be done in accordance with the writer's goals.

 

[AlinaX]

Yes, and...?

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Check this vid about show vs tell, facts vs feelings:

 

[AlinaX]

Reminds me of the time I taught my grandmother to suck, um, eggs.

 

[StillStunned]

Reminds me of the time I taught my grandmother to suck, um, eggs.

Ten years worth of stories, an impressive smattering of red Hs... I bet you could teach Nan a thing or two.