Request for specific suggestions re length and structure of sentences.

[AG31]

I have lately been happy to settle on words like "formal" and "static" to characterize my writing, but when I re-read my 3rd story a while ago, it struck me that I had gone too far. It was all simple declarative sentences of middle length. Thud, thud, thud. But I don't know what to do about it. I'm familiar with the construct of varying length and structure, but I look at what I've written and nothing comes to me to fix it.

I'm including three paragraphs here in hopes that some of you can suggest concrete alternatives to my language. Maybe that will prime the pump. And generic advice for how to achieve this sort of variety would be welcome also.

As an add on, I have here an example of what someone has called "Ikea instructions" -- "First," "then," "finally." Does anyone have ideas for how to get rid of that?

The story is The Recurrence, but it is BDSM set in a sex dungeon. There's no plot and little character, so I'm trying to set this up so those of you who don't care for such stuff don't feel the need to read the story. But if anyone thinks reading it would help them respond, here it is: The Recurrence

The sections of the table below his hips were dropped and Lewis drew closer with a thick dildo in his hand. He took his time applying lubricant. First he wiped it on with his palm flat. Then he drew a circle around Henderson's anus and then poked his finger in. Each lascivious touch caused Henderson's abdomen to clench and his penis to throb. Finally Lewis pushed the dildo into Henderson. It had been four years since he was used this way, and even though he offered no resistance and there was lubrication, the pain was significant. Even as he cried out the pain became mixed with warmth. Lewis jammed it in again and again and Henderson pulled on his legs to open himself as fully as possible. It was as if Lewis was pumping blood into Henderson's genitals.

Then the instrument was removed and Lewis placed his own penis at Henderson's anus. A charge swept through Henderson at the touch of another human, so different from the rubberized phallus. He felt himself open even more to the welcome friction of an alien presence in his body. With no extra touch required his body convulsed over and over in orgasm, his hips bucked. He gasped loudly and semen shot up his torso.

Lewis moved away and someone flipped up the dropped sections of the table. Henderson let go of his legs and slid them down till he was supine.

 

[SyleusSnow]

Yes, Ikea instructions... describing what takes place but with no meaning or authorial opinion in it.

I'm going to resist doing your homework for you and offer rewrites, but if you haven't discovered the Story Grid Youtube channel, perhaps give it a browse. Even if you don't subscribe to the rather complex Story Grid method, the videos they put out are invaluable and get right to the point.

This one in particular may help with Ikea writing:

 

[karina_jayde]

One thing I noticed from glancing over your examples is the use of passive voice. Minimizing passive voice can help to make passages feel more dynamic and active. I have taken pains to minimize it in my own writing (but it still pops up), and of course it's okay to use it in some situations. But sex is often very much an active thing, so I think it's particularly important to minimize the use of passive voice to make sex scenes less static.

The sections of the table below his hips were dropped and Lewis drew closer with a thick dildo in his hand

Right off the bat, the 'were dropped' takes me out of it. So making that more active would be like 'With a thud, the section of the table beneath Henderson's hips dropped. A soft, needy breath left Henderson's lungs as Lewis drew closer, a thick dildo in his hand.' That's just off the top of my head but I think that might flow a bit better and be more active.

Then the instrument was removed and Lewis placed his own penis at Henderson's anus.

Another instance of passive voice contributes to this maybe feeling a bit static. Something more like 'Lewis slipped the dildo free before bringing his penis up to the hole he'd so thoroughly used.' Again, not perfect and just off the top of my head, but it places more emphasis on Lewis taking action and connects it to a previous action, rather than 'Then the instrument was removed.' I also try to avoid adverbs at the start of a sentence, especially at the start of a paragraph.

Lewis moved away and someone flipped up the dropped sections of the table. Henderson let go of his legs and slid them down till he was supine

My main advice here pertains to two sentences in a row starting with a character's name. One personal rule I try to follow is to avoid two sentences in a row having the same structure. So I would try to avoid 'Person did this' followed by another sentence of 'Person did this.' Even adding in an additional action or clause can help break it up. So adding a phrase like 'With a trembling sigh,' to the start of the second sentence would give it just a bit more action and variety.

As a general piece of advice, reading work aloud can help, even if it's sort of mouthing it to yourself. That can help identify repetitive sentences with similar structures.

There is definitely a time and a place for simple, 'thud' like sentences, though, so I wouldn't focus solely on just tossing those out. If there's a repetitive action being described, for example, and you're trying to emphasize the drudgery (or even the intensity) of something, such structure can certainly work.

 

[AG31]

One thing I noticed from glancing over your examples is the use of passive voice. Minimizing passive voice can help to make passages feel more dynamic and active. I have taken pains to minimize it in my own writing (but it still pops up), and of course it's okay to use it in some situations. But sex is often very much an active thing, so I think it's particularly important to minimize the use of passive voice to make sex scenes less static.



Right off the bat, the 'were dropped' takes me out of it. So making that more active would be like 'With a thud, the section of the table beneath Henderson's hips dropped. A soft, needy breath left Henderson's lungs as Lewis drew closer, a thick dildo in his hand.' That's just off the top of my head but I think that might flow a bit better and be more active.



Another instance of passive voice contributes to this maybe feeling a bit static. Something more like 'Lewis slipped the dildo free before bringing his penis up to the hole he'd so thoroughly used.' Again, not perfect and just off the top of my head, but it places more emphasis on Lewis taking action and connects it to a previous action, rather than 'Then the instrument was removed.' I also try to avoid adverbs at the start of a sentence, especially at the start of a paragraph.



My main advice here pertains to two sentences in a row starting with a character's name. One personal rule I try to follow is to avoid two sentences in a row having the same structure. So I would try to avoid 'Person did this' followed by another sentence of 'Person did this.' Even adding in an additional action or clause can help break it up. So adding a phrase like 'With a trembling sigh,' to the start of the second sentence would give it just a bit more action and variety.

As a general piece of advice, reading work aloud can help, even if it's sort of mouthing it to yourself. That can help identify repetitive sentences with similar structures.

There is definitely a time and a place for simple, 'thud' like sentences, though, so I wouldn't focus solely on just tossing those out. If there's a repetitive action being described, for example, and you're trying to emphasize the drudgery (or even the intensity) of something, such structure can certainly work.

Thanks! So valuable!

EDIT
I see I've responded with a new "thanks" today. That's because I'm going through the whole thread more slowly and I forgot that I'd done it. But can't hurt, right???

 

[8letters]

The story is The Recurrence, but it is BDSM set in a sex dungeon. There's no plot and little character

I've highlighted one of the two big problems I see. The other is no dialog. "Tab A goes into Hole B" gets boring fast. What is Henderson thinking and feeling? How does he use his words to try to control the situation? What is Lewis thinking and feeling? How does he use his words to try to control the situation?

 

[AlinaX]

The sections of the table below his hips were dropped

Is this a mechanism? What is the effect on H's hips? How does H react?

and Lewis drew closer with a thick dildo in his hand. He took his time applying lubricant. First he wiped it on with his palm flat. Then he drew a circle around Henderson's anus and then poked his finger in. Each lascivious touch caused Henderson's abdomen to clench and his penis to throb. Finally Lewis pushed the dildo into Henderson.

There's no intimacy here. No seduction.

Lewis had a dildo in his hand, long and thick, fluorescent pink with black veins that Lewis's fingers traced slowly with gel-slick fingertips. As he drew close, he stroked the shaft as if caressing a living cock, and grinned as he teased Henderson's anxious sphincter with a probing finger. Henderson's stomach clenched with each intimate touch, his cock achingly hard, throbbing with need, and he moaned with lust as much as denial as that lurid dildo pressed into his tight rear.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I'll show you a rewrite and then try to describe what I did more abstractly. I'll warn you that it won't have quite the same effect as the original: ultimately, every rewrite is also a re-imagination. Here goes:

Something clicked under him. With a clang, half the table dropped away. Henderson drew his now-unsupported legs upward to his chest. Cold air wafted across his most private orifice.

The next thing he felt was Lewis's hand. Warm, gentle, and slick with lubricant, it circled his anus. It massaged his tight, puckered ring. And then it pushed into him, slowly but inexorably.

Henderson's abdomen clenched. He pulled at his own legs, trying to open himself further. It had been years since he had been used this way. Even thorough lubrication could not make the process entirely painless.

Lewis was insistent. Using first his finger and then a dildo, he forced Henderson open. He thrust into Henderson, again and again, until warmth joined pain and each stroke seemed to pump blood directly into Henderson's genitals.

And then the dildo was gone. Henderson's anus gaped, bereft.

Lewis's own penis replaced the rubberized phallus. A charge swept through Henderson at the touch of warm human flesh. His penis throbbed. He felt himself open even more to the welcome friction of Lewis's alien presence.

No extra touch was necessary. Henderson convulsed with the force of his orgasm. His hips bucked. He gasped loudly. His semen shot up his torso.

Lewis withdrew. Someone raised the dropped sections of the table. Henderson let himself relax onto the table, stretching full-length. An immense lassitude swept over him.

Here's a rough summary of my changes:

1. Much shorter paragraphs, somewhat shorter sentences on average. Especially for what sounds like a climactic scene, I've been told by better writers than I that readers prefer short paragraphs and short sentences. And a few really short sentences excuses (demands, even) a longer one. Sort of a literary idiosyncrasy credit.

2. More varied sentence structure. You mentioned this yourself, so I'll assume you understand the principle.

A tedious but illuminating exercise is to go through each sentence and replacing words by their grammatical role. E.g., "I am Sam. Sam I am." might become "SUBJECT VERB OBJECT. OBJECT SUBJECT VERB." or it might become "PRONOUN am PROPER-NOUN. PROPER-NOUN am VERB." depending on whether you were focusing on word order or your ratio of pronouns vs names.

When I do this with my own text it becomes very clear how much I like gerund phrases. E.g., "He opened the door, letting in the chill fall air. The sun was setting, casting long shadows across the concrete." And then I might rewrite the second gerund phrase to, "The setting sun cast long shadows across the concrete."

3. More deliberate repetition. I do repeat structures sometimes, to create a sense of rhythm. E.g., here are three SUBJECT-VERB-OBJECT sentences in a row: "Warm, gentle, and slick with lubricant, it circled his anus. It massaged his tight, puckered ring. And then it pushed into him, slowly but inexorably." But those three sentences culminate in a change (the penetration) so I like to think the effect is one of rocking back and forth before launching forward, rather than being stuck in a rut.

4. More senses. I don't think the original text has any sound or (physical) temperature. We're mostly left to infer Henderson's experience, but sometimes readers like the author to do the work of figuring out what it feels like to be penetrated or whatever.

5. More feelings. This was the iffiest thing I did, because if I understand correctly you don't want feelings. But readers do. So I tried to be restrained, but I did add little touches like the "bereft" anus, then "gentle" hand, the "lassitude."

6. More topic-oriented paragraphs? I'm not sure how to describe that one. I really couldn't tell how you chose your paragraph breaks, but I put mine at changes of topic. E.g., when I write

The next thing he felt was Lewis's hand. Warm, gentle, and slick with lubricant, it circled his anus. It massaged his tight, puckered ring. And then it pushed into him, slowly but inexorably.

That whole paragraph is about Lewis's hand, and I say so right at the front.

Whereas this paragraph is also focused, but it's not clear on what until the end. I build up to the point that Henderson is struggling to receive Lewis's penetration:

Henderson's abdomen clenched. He pulled at his own legs, trying to open himself further. It had been years since he had been used this way. Even thorough lubrication could not make the process entirely painless.

(The alternation of point-first and point-last paragraphs also helps create a varied reader experience, at the syntactic level.)

Wow, this has been a wall of text. I hope you find something useful in there. If not, sorry. My ego took a beating today. Maybe I was a little too excited to act like I know something.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Active voice rather than passive, vary sentence lengths, and vary their pace with punctuation.

Read it out loud can help - although I have "a reader's voice in my head" does that for me.

That's the one area I really focus on during edit, the cadence and cascade of the prose, getting the beat and pace right.

 

[AG31]

I've highlighted one of the two big problems I see. The other is no dialog. "Tab A goes into Hole B" gets boring fast. What is Henderson thinking and feeling? How does he use his words to try to control the situation? What is Lewis thinking and feeling? How does he use his words to try to control the situation?

You're not addressing my question. The selection was meant to highlight the structure of sentences, not the structure of the story.

 

[AG31]

Active voice rather than passive, vary sentence lengths, and vary their pace with punctuation.

Read it out loud can help - although I have "a reader's voice in my head" does that for me.

That's the one area I really focus on during edit, the cadence and cascade of the prose, getting the beat and pace right.

Can you give me one or two examples of how to alter what I've got here? That's my problem. I understand the principle. I just can't come up with concrete fixes. I'm hoping examples will prime the pump.

 

[AG31]

I'll show you a rewrite and then try to describe what I did more abstractly. I'll warn you that it won't have quite the same effect as the original: ultimately, every rewrite is also a re-imagination. Here goes:



Here's a rough summary of my changes:

1. Much shorter paragraphs, somewhat shorter sentences on average. Especially for what sounds like a climactic scene, I've been told by better writers than I that readers prefer short paragraphs and short sentences. And a few really short sentences excuses (demands, even) a longer one. Sort of a literary idiosyncrasy credit.

2. More varied sentence structure. You mentioned this yourself, so I'll assume you understand the principle.

A tedious but illuminating exercise is to go through each sentence and replacing words by their grammatical role. E.g., "I am Sam. Sam I am." might become "SUBJECT VERB OBJECT. OBJECT SUBJECT VERB." or it might become "PRONOUN am PROPER-NOUN. PROPER-NOUN am VERB." depending on whether you were focusing on word order or your ratio of pronouns vs names.

When I do this with my own text it becomes very clear how much I like gerund phrases. E.g., "He opened the door, letting in the chill fall air. The sun was setting, casting long shadows across the concrete." And then I might rewrite the second gerund phrase to, "The setting sun cast long shadows across the concrete."

3. More deliberate repetition. I do repeat structures sometimes, to create a sense of rhythm. E.g., here are three SUBJECT-VERB-OBJECT sentences in a row: "Warm, gentle, and slick with lubricant, it circled his anus. It massaged his tight, puckered ring. And then it pushed into him, slowly but inexorably." But those three sentences culminate in a change (the penetration) so I like to think the effect is one of rocking back and forth before launching forward, rather than being stuck in a rut.

4. More senses. I don't think the original text has any sound or (physical) temperature. We're mostly left to infer Henderson's experience, but sometimes readers like the author to do the work of figuring out what it feels like to be penetrated or whatever.

5. More feelings. This was the iffiest thing I did, because if I understand correctly you don't want feelings. But readers do. So I tried to be restrained, but I did add little touches like the "bereft" anus, then "gentle" hand, the "lassitude."

6. More topic-oriented paragraphs? I'm not sure how to describe that one. I really couldn't tell how you chose your paragraph breaks, but I put mine at changes of topic. E.g., when I write



That whole paragraph is about Lewis's hand, and I say so right at the front.

Whereas this paragraph is also focused, but it's not clear on what until the end. I build up to the point that Henderson is struggling to receive Lewis's penetration:



(The alternation of point-first and point-last paragraphs also helps create a varied reader experience, at the syntactic level.)

Wow, this has been a wall of text. I hope you find something useful in there. If not, sorry. My ego took a beating today. Maybe I was a little too excited to act like I know something.

Super!!! Thanks so much! I haven't read it all, but just the beginning really clicked.

 

[AG31]

Is this a mechanism? What is the effect on H's hips? How does H react?


There's no intimacy here. No seduction.

Any thoughts about the length or complexity of the sentences?????

 

[AlinaX]

Any thoughts about the length or complexity of the sentences?????

You have neither, which is what I tried to illustrate in the rewritten passage. You have statements describing action, when you should be giving us tastes and smells and colours and music. Don't just say L. has a dildo, make us the readers as singularly aware of that dildo as H. must be. Make us want him to fear that dildo and love it too.

Sentence length and complexity create mood. Long, drifting sentences slow the action and give you time to set the scene, but ask yourself why the reader should care about the scene and tease them with details that excite them and make them wonder if the terrible things we do to our characters might not also be wonderful... but once that dildo is in, and fucking, and fucking, and because the rule of three works everywhere and not just in fairytales, fucking, then don't. be. afraid. to. just. ohmyfuckinggod. Come!

 

[StillStunned]

I haven't read all the previous replies, just looked at your question and the paragraphs you posted. I think one problem is how you've broken up the sentences. You might want to consider looking at how the pieces of information should be grouped, and then how one flows into the next.

Your version:

The sections of the table below his hips were dropped and Lewis drew closer with a thick dildo in his hand. He took his time applying lubricant. First he wiped it on with his palm flat. Then he drew a circle around Henderson's anus and then poked his finger in. Each lascivious touch caused Henderson's abdomen to clench and his penis to throb. Finally Lewis pushed the dildo into Henderson. It had been four years since he was used this way, and even though he offered no resistance and there was lubrication, the pain was significant. Even as he cried out the pain became mixed with warmth. Lewis jammed it in again and again and Henderson pulled on his legs to open himself as fully as possible. It was as if Lewis was pumping blood into Henderson's genitals.

My suggestion:

The sections of the table below his hips were dropped. Lewis drew closer, a thick dildo held in his hand. He took his time with the lubricant, first applying it with an open palm to the dildo before tracing a circle around Henderson's anus and at last probing at his hole. With each lascivious touch, Henderson's abdomen clench, his penis throbbed.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Lewis pressed the dildo into Henderson. It had been four years since he was used this way, and despite the lube, and even though he offered no resistance, the pain was significant. Yet even as he cried out, the pain receded and became mixed with a sensation of warmth.

Again and again Lewis jammed the dildo into him. Henderson welcomed him in, pulling on his legs to open himself as fully as possible. It was as if Lewis was pumping blood directly into Henderson's genitals.

Your version:

Then the instrument was removed and Lewis placed his own penis at Henderson's anus. A charge swept through Henderson at the touch of another human, so different from the rubberized phallus. He felt himself open even more to the welcome friction of an alien presence in his body. With no extra touch required his body convulsed over and over in orgasm, his hips bucked. He gasped loudly and semen shot up his torso.

My suggestion:

After a while Henderson felt the instrument being removed from his anus, to be replaced a moment later by Lewis's penis. A charge swept through him at the touch of another human, so different from the rubberized phallus. His body opened itself even more to the welcome friction of an alien presence inside. Just like that, with no extra touch required, his hips bucked and his body convulsed over and over in orgasm, forcing a loud gasp from him as his semen shot up his torso.

Your version:

Lewis moved away and someone flipped up the dropped sections of the table. Henderson let go of his legs and slid them down till he was supine.

My suggestion:

Then Lewis moved away. Someone Henderson couldn't see flipped up the dropped sections of the table. He let go of his legs and lowered them until he lay supine.

A few of my changes focus the POV more firmly on Henderson. The reader experiences what he experiences, and it breaks up the repetitiveness of "this happened, then that."

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

Ooh, this is a fun exercise. I have a tendency to do this too... though I don't think its necessarily bad to have "IKEA instruction" exposition or passive voice. I think both of those have a place in storytelling, but definitely not somewhere as important as a sex scene in a sex story. As a reader, I want to be fully immersed in a sex scene. I like knowing the MC's thoughts, I like to see the scene expanded to include the sensual details - sights, scents, touch, sounds - as a direct reflection of the MC's heightened senses. Also try to be creative with literary techniques. Use metaphors and similes. Make the weather reflect the MC's mood. Have thunder clap as the dildo penetrates him . Add dialogue. Dialogue is important. And by the way, it doesn't have to be verbal. Eyes can speak. So can fingers. Be creative.
Also, don't underestimate the power of little details. What sort of sound does the lubricant make when Lewis lathers it onto the dildo? What does it smell like? Is there a portrait painting hanging on the wall facing Henderson? What's it a painting of? His wife? How does he feel being rammed by a dildo being stared down by his wife's portrait. Guilty? ...Gratified?

A sex scene in an erotic story should be immersive and to make it immersive, you should make your language more striking. How you do that really depends on your style, so I can't really help except to throw out the standard advice of simply reading more and try to make a concerted effort of seeing how the authors you most admire manage to blow your hair back. As for me, I like diving into the mind of the MC. I tend to be sparse with my dialogue, but I do have dialogue, and I try to make the words impactful and plot-forwarding.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. I'm by no means a great writer, but I like to think I'm a pretty observant reader. In any case, what I have to say is obviously only one way to skin a potato.

Here's my rough attempt at the first part of your scene:

The sections of the table below his hips were dropped and Lewis drew closer with a thick dildo in his hand. He took his time applying lubricant. First he wiped it on with his palm flat. Then he drew a circle around Henderson's anus and then poked his finger in. Each lascivious touch caused Henderson's abdomen to clench and his penis to throb. Finally Lewis pushed the dildo into Henderson. It had been four years since he was used this way, and even though he offered no resistance and there was lubrication, the pain was significant. Even as he cried out the pain became mixed with warmth. Lewis jammed it in again and again and Henderson pulled on his legs to open himself as fully as possible. It was as if Lewis was pumping blood into Henderson's genitals.

Henderson sensed Lewis drawing closer with the impossibly thick dildo in his hand. The wet sound of lubricant being applied to the dildo made his heart race. What was the largest he had ever taken? At the moment, he was having a hard time remembering, but it sure as hell wasn't anywhere close to the monster in Lewis's hands. The safe word teetered on the tip of his tongue. All he had to do was speak it, and this could all be over. But then, it would all be over. All before it ever began. No. He wanted this. He wanted Lewis to push him over the edge. He wanted the pain. He wanted his asshole stretched. He wanted it destroyed. He swallowed the safe word and braced himself for the fulfilment of this burning desire.

Lewis was behind him now. "You are really clenched up. The more you relax your muscles, the easier it'll slide in. So, try to relax," he said, dragging circles with his forefinger around the edge of Henderson's anus....


p.s. apologies, realizing now that I'm mostly reiterating what others have said. but I hope I added some value

 

[AlinaX]

Which reminds me. A key part of eroticism is the anticipation, the imagining of what will or might happen and how it will feel.

 

[yowser]

Which reminds me. A key part of eroticism is the anticipation, the imagining of what will or might happen and how it will feel.

I second this. Arousal without anticipation is lifeless, a quality reflected in the passages you offer.

Where are the participants thoughts? Sensations? Here's where you can vary sentences: a long dreamy/fraught capture of a character's mind. What's going to happen next? Will it be like last time? What's he seeing? Feeling? Then a short sudden sentence of action.

New paragraph. What was that like internally? Bring the character to life with his thoughts. Another short lively action sentence.

Think here of the reader, can you keep them on the edge of their seats, in anticipation themselves?

 

[AG31]

I haven't read all the previous replies, just looked at your question and the paragraphs you posted. I think one problem is how you've broken up the sentences. You might want to consider looking at how the pieces of information should be grouped, and then how one flows into the next.

Your version:


My suggestion:


Your version:


My suggestion:


Your version:


My suggestion:


A few of my changes focus the POV more firmly on Henderson. The reader experiences what he experiences, and it breaks up the repetitiveness of "this happened, then that."

Thanks so much! Very helpful.

 

[AG31]

Yes, Ikea instructions... describing what takes place but with no meaning or authorial opinion in it.

If you haven't discovered the Story Grid Youtube channel, give it a browse. Even if you don't subscribe to the rather complex Story Grid method, the videos they put out are invaluable and get right to the point.

This one in particular may help with Ikea writing:

Just into the first episode. Super! I recommend it to anyone who's just interested in hearing articulate, knowledgeable people talk about writing. I look forward to watching more of it.

 

[AG31]

One thing I noticed from glancing over your examples is the use of passive voice. Minimizing passive voice can help to make passages feel more dynamic and active. I have taken pains to minimize it in my own writing (but it still pops up), and of course it's okay to use it in some situations. But sex is often very much an active thing, so I think it's particularly important to minimize the use of passive voice to make sex scenes less static.



Right off the bat, the 'were dropped' takes me out of it. So making that more active would be like 'With a thud, the section of the table beneath Henderson's hips dropped. A soft, needy breath left Henderson's lungs as Lewis drew closer, a thick dildo in his hand.' That's just off the top of my head but I think that might flow a bit better and be more active.



Another instance of passive voice contributes to this maybe feeling a bit static. Something more like 'Lewis slipped the dildo free before bringing his penis up to the hole he'd so thoroughly used.' Again, not perfect and just off the top of my head, but it places more emphasis on Lewis taking action and connects it to a previous action, rather than 'Then the instrument was removed.' I also try to avoid adverbs at the start of a sentence, especially at the start of a paragraph.



My main advice here pertains to two sentences in a row starting with a character's name. One personal rule I try to follow is to avoid two sentences in a row having the same structure. So I would try to avoid 'Person did this' followed by another sentence of 'Person did this.' Even adding in an additional action or clause can help break it up. So adding a phrase like 'With a trembling sigh,' to the start of the second sentence would give it just a bit more action and variety.

As a general piece of advice, reading work aloud can help, even if it's sort of mouthing it to yourself. That can help identify repetitive sentences with similar structures.

There is definitely a time and a place for simple, 'thud' like sentences, though, so I wouldn't focus solely on just tossing those out. If there's a repetitive action being described, for example, and you're trying to emphasize the drudgery (or even the intensity) of something, such structure can certainly work.

Thank you!! The pump is already getting primed!

 

[AG31]

I'll show you a rewrite and then try to describe what I did more abstractly. I'll warn you that it won't have quite the same effect as the original: ultimately, every rewrite is also a re-imagination. Here goes:



Here's a rough summary of my changes:

1. Much shorter paragraphs, somewhat shorter sentences on average. Especially for what sounds like a climactic scene, I've been told by better writers than I that readers prefer short paragraphs and short sentences. And a few really short sentences excuses (demands, even) a longer one. Sort of a literary idiosyncrasy credit.

2. More varied sentence structure. You mentioned this yourself, so I'll assume you understand the principle.

A tedious but illuminating exercise is to go through each sentence and replacing words by their grammatical role. E.g., "I am Sam. Sam I am." might become "SUBJECT VERB OBJECT. OBJECT SUBJECT VERB." or it might become "PRONOUN am PROPER-NOUN. PROPER-NOUN am VERB." depending on whether you were focusing on word order or your ratio of pronouns vs names.

When I do this with my own text it becomes very clear how much I like gerund phrases. E.g., "He opened the door, letting in the chill fall air. The sun was setting, casting long shadows across the concrete." And then I might rewrite the second gerund phrase to, "The setting sun cast long shadows across the concrete."

3. More deliberate repetition. I do repeat structures sometimes, to create a sense of rhythm. E.g., here are three SUBJECT-VERB-OBJECT sentences in a row: "Warm, gentle, and slick with lubricant, it circled his anus. It massaged his tight, puckered ring. And then it pushed into him, slowly but inexorably." But those three sentences culminate in a change (the penetration) so I like to think the effect is one of rocking back and forth before launching forward, rather than being stuck in a rut.

4. More senses. I don't think the original text has any sound or (physical) temperature. We're mostly left to infer Henderson's experience, but sometimes readers like the author to do the work of figuring out what it feels like to be penetrated or whatever.

5. More feelings. This was the iffiest thing I did, because if I understand correctly you don't want feelings. But readers do. So I tried to be restrained, but I did add little touches like the "bereft" anus, then "gentle" hand, the "lassitude."

6. More topic-oriented paragraphs? I'm not sure how to describe that one. I really couldn't tell how you chose your paragraph breaks, but I put mine at changes of topic. E.g., when I write



That whole paragraph is about Lewis's hand, and I say so right at the front.

Whereas this paragraph is also focused, but it's not clear on what until the end. I build up to the point that Henderson is struggling to receive Lewis's penetration:



(The alternation of point-first and point-last paragraphs also helps create a varied reader experience, at the syntactic level.)

Wow, this has been a wall of text. I hope you find something useful in there. If not, sorry. My ego took a beating today. Maybe I was a little too excited to act like I know something.

This is absolutely invaluable. I look forward to going through the story with a paper copy of this in hand. (I don't do well flipping back and forth between screens.) Thanks!!!

 

[AG31]

I haven't read all the previous replies, just looked at your question and the paragraphs you posted. I think one problem is how you've broken up the sentences. You might want to consider looking at how the pieces of information should be grouped, and then how one flows into the next.

Your version:


My suggestion:


Your version:


My suggestion:


Your version:


My suggestion:


A few of my changes focus the POV more firmly on Henderson. The reader experiences what he experiences, and it breaks up the repetitiveness of "this happened, then that."

Thanks so much!! This is perfect pump priming!

 

[AG31]

Ooh, this is a fun exercise. I have a tendency to do this too... though I don't think its necessarily bad to have "IKEA instruction" exposition or passive voice. I think both of those have a place in storytelling, but definitely not somewhere as important as a sex scene in a sex story. As a reader, I want to be fully immersed in a sex scene. I like knowing the MC's thoughts, I like to see the scene expanded to include the sensual details - sights, scents, touch, sounds - as a direct reflection of the MC's heightened senses. Also try to be creative with literary techniques. Use metaphors and similes. Make the weather reflect the MC's mood. Have thunder clap as the dildo penetrates him . Add dialogue. Dialogue is important. And by the way, it doesn't have to be verbal. Eyes can speak. So can fingers. Be creative.
Also, don't underestimate the power of little details. What sort of sound does the lubricant make when Lewis lathers it onto the dildo? What does it smell like? Is there a portrait painting hanging on the wall facing Henderson? What's it a painting of? His wife? How does he feel being rammed by a dildo being stared down by his wife's portrait. Guilty? ...Gratified?

A sex scene in an erotic story should be immersive and to make it immersive, you should make your language more striking. How you do that really depends on your style, so I can't really help except to throw out the standard advice of simply reading more and try to make a concerted effort of seeing how the authors you most admire manage to blow your hair back. As for me, I like diving into the mind of the MC. I tend to be sparse with my dialogue, but I do have dialogue, and I try to make the words impactful and plot-forwarding.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. I'm by no means a great writer, but I like to think I'm a pretty observant reader. In any case, what I have to say is obviously only one way to skin a potato.

Here's my rough attempt at the first part of your scene:

Henderson sensed Lewis drawing closer with the impossibly thick dildo in his hand. The wet sound of lubricant being applied to the dildo made his heart race. What was the largest he had ever taken? At the moment, he was having a hard time remembering, but it sure as hell wasn't anywhere close to the monster in Lewis's hands. The safe word teetered on the tip of his tongue. All he had to do was speak it, and this could all be over. But then, it would all be over. All before it ever began. No. He wanted this. He wanted Lewis to push him over the edge. He wanted the pain. He wanted his asshole stretched. He wanted it destroyed. He swallowed the safe word and braced himself for the fulfilment of this burning desire.

Lewis was behind him now. "You are really clenched up. The more you relax your muscles, the easier it'll slide in. So, try to relax," he said, dragging circles with his forefinger around the edge of Henderson's anus....


p.s. apologies, realizing now that I'm mostly reiterating what others have said. but I hope I added some value

Thank you! I'm eager to print out all these suggestions and start working my way through the story.

 

[Jackie.Hikaru]

Thank you! I'm eager to print out all these suggestions and start working my way through the story.

No problem! Great question. Love the workshopping that goes on in these sorts of threads .

 

[AG31]

You have neither, which is what I tried to illustrate in the rewritten passage.

Oh, sorry! It was in very light blue at the bottom and I took it as part of your signature. Yes, OK. Thanks!