Djmac1031
Consumate BS Artist
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2021
- Posts
- 3,902
I didn't necessarily set out to start my own Story Review Service here.
But I did mention I would try to do so if asked, when I could.
And so when @MediocreAuthor asked me to review her story Eldritch Pact, I agreed.
Now let me be very clear; I make no claim to be an “Expert,” neither as a writer nor reviewer. So this may be rough around the edges.
My goal here isn't to destroy a story, pick apart the minutiae of it. Nor am I here to embarrass anybody, or shame their kink, or their skills.
So this will be less a “review” than just tips or advice or my random thoughts while reading the story.
So let's get to it. Eldritch Pact, mild spoilers may apply. Link below if you wanna read first.
https://www.literotica.com/s/eldritch-pact
Okay so right off the bat: I'm not one of those readers put off by long forwards with lots of disclaimers. That said, there's an argument to be made that it will either scare off or bore a new reader and chase them off your story before they even begin.
Disclaimers / forwards are fine, just keep them brief.
On to the story.
I don't wanna do too many of these, because they're the kind of mistakes we all make. But there are a few I'll touch on.
An example of overstating the obvious. I would have suggested dropping “uncomprehendingly.” It's a long, awkward word anyway.
“Seemed to be” is one of my pet peeves. Most times it's unnecessary. The light was either absorbed or it wasn't.
The “exaggerated diacritics” with the character dialog was a bold choice. If the intent was to make the reader uncomfortable, mission accomplished. That said, I don't hate it.
This is one of those things I can't help but feel is for the readers benefit more than something a character would actually think. Even if that is indeed the case.
Pretty sure this is the second time you stressed this.
I think we get it.
Okay good save here because I also was wondering how this guy you've stressed repeatedly has no experience and never even touched himself hadn't popped yet lol.
“Also noticed” is another one of my nit picky pet peeves.
Could just as easily have read “He let out a muffled cry of distress, but his manhood was once again as stiff as stone.”
I gotta admit: the vibrating phallic hair tendrils are clever and unique lol.
Okay, so I've picked at some little details. Now to the overall story.
I was a little worried, as generally, Non Con isn't my thing. That said I try to judge on a case by case basis and in this instance it's fine.
Stavos consented to the “pact,” knowing full well what it entailed. So more “reluctance” than actual non con.
Overall I enjoyed the story. Always love a good She-Demon / Succubus tale; I've written a few of my own.
I've edited a good chunk of this out after realizing it truly did spoil quite a bit of the story, including the ending.
@MediocreAuthor and I discussed it more privately instead.
What I will say is I think that overall the story is solid, although I felt there were a few missed opportunities to expand on both the nature of the MMCs quest, and his pact with the Succubus / Demon.
And then there were other times I felt the author didn't trust her readers and several times overstated things or clearly spelled out things to the point of it being redundant.
That said; I liked it. it flows well. It's an interesting premise with potential to carry it on should you wish to do so.
The world building was great, as were the action scenes. I never found myself confused as to what was going on.
The main male character is sympathetic; the She Demon, both alluring and frightening. Good characterization goes a long way to making an interesting story even better.
Would I recommend it to others? Absolutely. IF you enjoy fantasy stories, of course.
Don't let the Non Con category throw you off. It's not an apologetic rape story. I think it would have been better served being put in Fantasy. But maybe that's just me.
I hope this is what you were looking for, and that it's been helpful.
But I did mention I would try to do so if asked, when I could.
And so when @MediocreAuthor asked me to review her story Eldritch Pact, I agreed.
Now let me be very clear; I make no claim to be an “Expert,” neither as a writer nor reviewer. So this may be rough around the edges.
My goal here isn't to destroy a story, pick apart the minutiae of it. Nor am I here to embarrass anybody, or shame their kink, or their skills.
So this will be less a “review” than just tips or advice or my random thoughts while reading the story.
So let's get to it. Eldritch Pact, mild spoilers may apply. Link below if you wanna read first.
https://www.literotica.com/s/eldritch-pact
Okay so right off the bat: I'm not one of those readers put off by long forwards with lots of disclaimers. That said, there's an argument to be made that it will either scare off or bore a new reader and chase them off your story before they even begin.
Disclaimers / forwards are fine, just keep them brief.
On to the story.
I don't wanna do too many of these, because they're the kind of mistakes we all make. But there are a few I'll touch on.
An example of overstating the obvious. I would have suggested dropping “uncomprehendingly.” It's a long, awkward word anyway.
“Seemed to be” is one of my pet peeves. Most times it's unnecessary. The light was either absorbed or it wasn't.
The “exaggerated diacritics” with the character dialog was a bold choice. If the intent was to make the reader uncomfortable, mission accomplished. That said, I don't hate it.
This is one of those things I can't help but feel is for the readers benefit more than something a character would actually think. Even if that is indeed the case.
Pretty sure this is the second time you stressed this.
I think we get it.
Okay good save here because I also was wondering how this guy you've stressed repeatedly has no experience and never even touched himself hadn't popped yet lol.
“Also noticed” is another one of my nit picky pet peeves.
Could just as easily have read “He let out a muffled cry of distress, but his manhood was once again as stiff as stone.”
I gotta admit: the vibrating phallic hair tendrils are clever and unique lol.
Okay, so I've picked at some little details. Now to the overall story.
I was a little worried, as generally, Non Con isn't my thing. That said I try to judge on a case by case basis and in this instance it's fine.
Stavos consented to the “pact,” knowing full well what it entailed. So more “reluctance” than actual non con.
Overall I enjoyed the story. Always love a good She-Demon / Succubus tale; I've written a few of my own.
I've edited a good chunk of this out after realizing it truly did spoil quite a bit of the story, including the ending.
@MediocreAuthor and I discussed it more privately instead.
What I will say is I think that overall the story is solid, although I felt there were a few missed opportunities to expand on both the nature of the MMCs quest, and his pact with the Succubus / Demon.
And then there were other times I felt the author didn't trust her readers and several times overstated things or clearly spelled out things to the point of it being redundant.
That said; I liked it. it flows well. It's an interesting premise with potential to carry it on should you wish to do so.
The world building was great, as were the action scenes. I never found myself confused as to what was going on.
The main male character is sympathetic; the She Demon, both alluring and frightening. Good characterization goes a long way to making an interesting story even better.
Would I recommend it to others? Absolutely. IF you enjoy fantasy stories, of course.
Don't let the Non Con category throw you off. It's not an apologetic rape story. I think it would have been better served being put in Fantasy. But maybe that's just me.
I hope this is what you were looking for, and that it's been helpful.
.
