Yowser Yelps

[yowser]

After an enjoyable Trial Month of reviews, I’ve decided to put up a shingle and continue more permanently here on the Story Feedback side of Literotica.

Any writer obsessed with improvement usually also wears the mantle of a keen reader, and I am an increasingly fussy, voracious, and demanding reader. In this past trial month, by doing reviews I’ve had a chance to survey stories I might not have discovered otherwise, and would like to contribute, as best I can, to the improvement of the writing here on Literotica (there are many tales here that could benefit from a more thoughtful, leveraged effort.)

If you would like another pair of (critical) eyes to take a look at one of your tales and can accept some honest feedback, I will take you on.

There are other threads here, notably AwkwardMD and Omenainen’s collaboration, devoted to providing excellent reviews. I don’t want to (and cannot) duplicate their efforts but aim to provide another avenue, a different perspective, one oriented towards the use of the language in creating an erotic tale. Writing has a craft element associated with how words are stitched together to make sentences, sentences aggregated to make paragraphs, and ultimately all assembled into a unified entity to result as an arousing story. There are many ways to go wrong in the process.

Vladimir Nabokov maintained that a good writer should be three things: a storyteller, a teacher, and an enchanter, the last representing the most important aspect. The best stories here show excellence in all three arenas.

My background and a sample of reviews can be seen in the March Reviews thread.

A few qualifications to this offer: the only category I won't do is Non-Consent (if your story leans more to the ‘Reluctance’ angle, I am game) and I reserve the right to decline a review (and I’ll tell you why in a private message.) 20k words is my ‘soft’ limit on length, anything greater just takes too long for a proper digestion.

I’ll promise you a comprehensive read and an authentic reaction. I’ll suggest areas that need work and ideas for increasing quality in your future endeavors. While I am keenly aware of how difficult it is to write (even substandard work takes effort) and will keep in mind the time and energy you may have put into your story, I won’t be kind if I think your story merits a beating. As a reader of erotica, I am hard to please. I encourage other authors to chime in in this thread as well IF they have also read the piece presented.

I welcome your offerings.

 

[AG31]

I'm a little confused about the purpose of this thread compared to "March Reviews Thread." But I'm always happy to find people willing to read my stories. I feel like I may have asked you for a review before, but I can't find it if I did.

a different perspective, one oriented towards the use of the language in creating an erotic tale.

This is my favorite kind of feedback, apart from feedback that catches errors and points of confusion. All of my stories have been revised multiple times on Smashwords (too cumbersome here, and I don't like to clog the input). Sometimes I re-read my stories and lie awake at night trying to come up with better wording for this or that. So, yeah, I'd like that kind of feedback.

I'm particularly interested in that kind of feedback because I write "simple erotica." I don't spend time on plot and character (see other posts from me about that), and that's what interests a lot of reviewers.

I've reflected on my stories and I don't think any involve pure "non consent."

Please pick the one or ones that interest you. They're all short. These are listed in the order written, and get slimmer and slimmer as time goes on. I'm leaving out my 3 vanilla stories.

Twelve Maxbridge Street - First and longest and best (in my opinion).
A young man signs up for an evening of sexual surrender.

Naked This is an outlier in my ouvre because it involves plot and character. There are some problems with quotation marks that I've fixed on Smashwords, but not here.
A man discovers he has a need for sexual surrender.

The Recurrence - Follows Naked
A police detective seeks out degradation.

Submission
A young man commits to an evening of sexual surrender.

An Enigma This is a takeoff on a scene from Gabaldon's The Outlander
To save his wife a man submits to pain & sexual humiliation.

After the Idyll This follows the vanilla Idyll, which I'm not listing here.
Scott's gay experiment leads him in unanticipated directions.

Vignette 1
Connor craves sexual surrender and Rachel obliges.

Vignette 2
An officer volunteers to become a slave to save a village.

and can accept some honest feedback,

No problem. Fire away.

 

[RBeemer]

I look forward to your review of one (or more!) of my stories.

 

[yowser]

I'm a little confused about the purpose of this thread compared to "March Reviews Thread." But I'm always happy to find people willing to read my stories. I feel like I may have asked you for a review before, but I can't find it if I did.
...
No problem. Fire away.

The March thread was an experiment/trial run. I didn't know whether I would get a hundred requests (which would mean I could not continue) or none (ditto.) Instead there was some interest, and I gained some sense of whether this would be at all valuable and if my commentary would be useful.

I've decided to continue indefinitely, so this thread is just announcing a change in status and a welcome for contributions, and I'd rather be clear about that up front.

I have reviewed one of your stories off-line, but am happy to take a look at another. I'll get one out to you here shortly.

 

[yowser]

@RBeemer
Sight is Overrated

I've got mixed reactions to this one, probably why it has taken so long to post my thoughts.

Writing second person POV is a huge challenge, it really only works for certain types of stories. I give you credit for a try, which is modestly successful. And your story is true 'second person' not the first person business often mistakenly regarded as second.

I like how you immediately set the scene, we know right away what is going on and who the characters are, although they are never named or even identified very clearly.

The 'instructions' are a bit over the top, but work, and are appropriate to the story.

Besides the second person narration (more later) the major issue for me here is that it reads like a man writing a woman's perspective. (I'm taking the 'male' self-identification in your profile at face value, apologies if this is not the case.) As a male who frequently writes female POV, I am keenly aware of the pitfalls inherent in doing this. You mostly handle matters well, but there are enough times that the male POV shows through that the narration is compromised.

The first real clue is the make-up-in-the-mirror business. Doing the MC's face 'to perfection.' Sounds like a restaurant menu description.

The assertion that the MC decides she looks 'pretty damn sexy' would be plausible, but only if preceded by a few paragraphs of some self-doubt in front of the mirror. All the women I know confess to some appearance insecurities. If your MC had made a couple self-critical observations 'sure wish my shoulders had a tighter curve to them,' 'never liked the gap between my eyebrows'-- even a 'the cat suit does a nice job of tightening the ol' tummy' observation would have make the 'pretty damn sexy' phrase snap into place and work marvelous well.

As the story proceeds (you lead us along nicely, ratcheting up the actions and sensations confidently and clearly) you get a lot of sensuous detail described in detail. Sometimes a bit over the top, but all works towards the story's ultimate conclusion. Writing mechanics are largely sound.

But the writing gets sloppier as the sex ramps up, a not infrequent pattern here on Lit. The clichés start piling up, the feeling that we are reading a man writing a woman's story becomes more apparent, the deeper you get into the sex the less appealing it becomes. Verbs get botched, the picture feels like the camera-hand is shaking. A keen editorial eye, and some ruthless pruning would do the last third of the story some real good.

'pleasure sleeve'
'magnificent meat stick'
'silky slit'

Oh please.

Here are a couple clunkers:

Even though you weren't sure you could at first you were able to slip right in to trusting this man one hundred percent.

His hot mouth returns to your pussy lips and he begins to lick, suck and probe you while his thumbs massage around the area and stimulated your hot button.

Even worse, we get the 'you feel him guide the tip of his hammer into your mossy cave.' Wait, I thought she did the total shave thing right at the beginning? What 'moss' might be left?

You did end on a sweet and satisfying note, and I appreciated the deft way you handled the pair's relationship and expectations for more in the future.

I don't know whether second person is a perspective you want to pursue in future work, but if you haven't read one thread on this topic, you might benefit from a look. I think it's an approach that puts off a good chunk of readers, if that is a consideration for you. The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

 

[intim8]

I really liked the review you did for my Christmas story last month. If it's OK, I'd love to get another one, but I don't want to hog the line.

This is a story in a different style than my usual, also a little over the top, but in a different and much less extreme way. It's 1P and has a really casual, conversational narration style, sometimes addressing the reader directlym and some humor. I really enjoyed writing it and would like to do more like it (though not all as wild as this). And this one has a good guy/bad guy plot to it, which is also unusual for my stories here. It was my On The Job entry last year.

I'm aware of the punctuation issues and a few typos. I'm putting more effort into that in my more recent work.

Nudio's Pizza (Exhibitionist & Voyeur, 11K words). (includes anal and cucking, but isn't focused on it) (and there's an Easter Egg reference to an 80s song)

If you'd like to do it, I'd appreciate it. But if you'd rather not do repeat authors, I understand.

 

[RBeemer]

@RBeemer
Sight is Overrated

I've got mixed reactions to this one, probably why it has taken so long to post my thoughts.

Writing second person POV is a huge challenge, it really only works for certain types of stories. I give you credit for a try, which is modestly successful. And your story is true 'second person' not the first person business often mistakenly regarded as second.

I like how you immediately set the scene, we know right away what is going on and who the characters are, although they are never named or even identified very clearly.

The 'instructions' are a bit over the top, but work, and are appropriate to the story.

Besides the second person narration (more later) the major issue for me here is that it reads like a man writing a woman's perspective. (I'm taking the 'male' self-identification in your profile at face value, apologies if this is not the case.) As a male who frequently writes female POV, I am keenly aware of the pitfalls inherent in doing this. You mostly handle matters well, but there are enough times that the male POV shows through that the narration is compromised.

The first real clue is the make-up-in-the-mirror business. Doing the MC's face 'to perfection.' Sounds like a restaurant menu description.

The assertion that the MC decides she looks 'pretty damn sexy' would be plausible, but only if preceded by a few paragraphs of some self-doubt in front of the mirror. All the women I know confess to some appearance insecurities. If your MC had made a couple self-critical observations 'sure wish my shoulders had a tighter curve to them,' 'never liked the gap between my eyebrows'-- even a 'the cat suit does a nice job of tightening the ol' tummy' observation would have make the 'pretty damn sexy' phrase snap into place and work marvelous well.

As the story proceeds (you lead us along nicely, ratcheting up the actions and sensations confidently and clearly) you get a lot of sensuous detail described in detail. Sometimes a bit over the top, but all works towards the story's ultimate conclusion. Writing mechanics are largely sound.

But the writing gets sloppier as the sex ramps up, a not infrequent pattern here on Lit. The clichés start piling up, the feeling that we are reading a man writing a woman's story becomes more apparent, the deeper you get into the sex the less appealing it becomes. Verbs get botched, the picture feels like the camera-hand is shaking. A keen editorial eye, and some ruthless pruning would do the last third of the story some real good.

'pleasure sleeve'
'magnificent meat stick'
'silky slit'

Oh please.

Here are a couple clunkers:

Even though you weren't sure you could at first you were able to slip right in to trusting this man one hundred percent.

His hot mouth returns to your pussy lips and he begins to lick, suck and probe you while his thumbs massage around the area and stimulated your hot button.

Even worse, we get the 'you feel him guide the tip of his hammer into your mossy cave.' Wait, I thought she did the total shave thing right at the beginning? What 'moss' might be left?

You did end on a sweet and satisfying note, and I appreciated the deft way you handled the pair's relationship and expectations for more in the future.

I don't know whether second person is a perspective you want to pursue in future work, but if you haven't read one thread on this topic, you might benefit from a look. I think it's an approach that puts off a good chunk of readers, if that is a consideration for you. The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

Yowser -

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my story Sight is Overrated. I accept your compliments and criticisms with equal gratitude.

I write my stories for an "audience of one" so some things just will not work with a wider, more diverse readership. However, it is great to know how my stories land for someone with the experience and intelligence to put together a thoughtful review.

I knew that my attempt at a non-traditional narrative perspective would be challenging but I had hoped to be able to pull it off better than I apparently did. It was NOT my intention to write from the heroine's point of view. I don't think I would ever attempt a female POV. My intended POV was that of the male telling the female what he hoped and dreamed for her experience to be. I was apparently unsuccessful in this attempt.

Sometimes I’m too META for my own good.

In fact my "audience of one" also scoffed at some of the heroine's reactions to the situation. I told her, "Hey. This is MY fantasy. Not yours."

My sloppy euphemisms for privates is a problem with which I struggle constantly.

All of my other stories are written from a first-person perspective. This one is an outlier in that regard. I'd love to get your take on my other stories but I know you have many other authors clamoring for your review.

Thank you again for your kind attention.

 

[AG31]

I write my stories for an "audience of one" so some things just will not work with a wider, more diverse readership.

Here, here! (Hear, hear????)

 

[AlinaX]

The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

Thanks for the shout, and thanks @intim8 for the nice comment!

 

[RoperTrace]

@RBeemer
Sight is Overrated

I've got mixed reactions to this one, probably why it has taken so long to post my thoughts.

Writing second person POV is a huge challenge, it really only works for certain types of stories. I give you credit for a try, which is modestly successful. And your story is true 'second person' not the first person business often mistakenly regarded as second.

I like how you immediately set the scene, we know right away what is going on and who the characters are, although they are never named or even identified very clearly.

The 'instructions' are a bit over the top, but work, and are appropriate to the story.

Besides the second person narration (more later) the major issue for me here is that it reads like a man writing a woman's perspective. (I'm taking the 'male' self-identification in your profile at face value, apologies if this is not the case.) As a male who frequently writes female POV, I am keenly aware of the pitfalls inherent in doing this. You mostly handle matters well, but there are enough times that the male POV shows through that the narration is compromised.

The first real clue is the make-up-in-the-mirror business. Doing the MC's face 'to perfection.' Sounds like a restaurant menu description.

The assertion that the MC decides she looks 'pretty damn sexy' would be plausible, but only if preceded by a few paragraphs of some self-doubt in front of the mirror. All the women I know confess to some appearance insecurities. If your MC had made a couple self-critical observations 'sure wish my shoulders had a tighter curve to them,' 'never liked the gap between my eyebrows'-- even a 'the cat suit does a nice job of tightening the ol' tummy' observation would have make the 'pretty damn sexy' phrase snap into place and work marvelous well.

As the story proceeds (you lead us along nicely, ratcheting up the actions and sensations confidently and clearly) you get a lot of sensuous detail described in detail. Sometimes a bit over the top, but all works towards the story's ultimate conclusion. Writing mechanics are largely sound.

But the writing gets sloppier as the sex ramps up, a not infrequent pattern here on Lit. The clichés start piling up, the feeling that we are reading a man writing a woman's story becomes more apparent, the deeper you get into the sex the less appealing it becomes. Verbs get botched, the picture feels like the camera-hand is shaking. A keen editorial eye, and some ruthless pruning would do the last third of the story some real good.

'pleasure sleeve'
'magnificent meat stick'
'silky slit'

Oh please.

Here are a couple clunkers:

Even though you weren't sure you could at first you were able to slip right in to trusting this man one hundred percent.

His hot mouth returns to your pussy lips and he begins to lick, suck and probe you while his thumbs massage around the area and stimulated your hot button.

Even worse, we get the 'you feel him guide the tip of his hammer into your mossy cave.' Wait, I thought she did the total shave thing right at the beginning? What 'moss' might be left?

You did end on a sweet and satisfying note, and I appreciated the deft way you handled the pair's relationship and expectations for more in the future.

I don't know whether second person is a perspective you want to pursue in future work, but if you haven't read one thread on this topic, you might benefit from a look. I think it's an approach that puts off a good chunk of readers, if that is a consideration for you. The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

Are you sure it wasn't a muddy cave? Hey, I think I'm onto something.

 

[lc69hunter]

Thanks for the shout, and thanks @intim8 for the nice comment!

Just read your latesthttps://www.literotica.com/s/summer-wine-2 . A great fantasy. gave it a 5.

 

[AlinaX]

Just read your latest Summer Wine. A great fantasy. gave it a 5.

Thank you I started out planning a daft gameshow and ended up with an interesting throuple romance.