Yowser Yelps

[yowser]

After an enjoyable Trial Month of reviews, I’ve decided to put up a shingle and continue more permanently here on the Story Feedback side of Literotica.

Any writer obsessed with improvement usually also wears the mantle of a keen reader, and I am an increasingly fussy, voracious, and demanding reader. In this past trial month, by doing reviews I’ve had a chance to survey stories I might not have discovered otherwise, and would like to contribute, as best I can, to the improvement of the writing here on Literotica (there are many tales here that could benefit from a more thoughtful, leveraged effort.)

If you would like another pair of (critical) eyes to take a look at one of your tales and can accept some honest feedback, I will take you on.

There are other threads here, notably AwkwardMD and Omenainen’s collaboration, devoted to providing excellent reviews. I don’t want to (and cannot) duplicate their efforts but aim to provide another avenue, a different perspective, one oriented towards the use of the language in creating an erotic tale. Writing has a craft element associated with how words are stitched together to make sentences, sentences aggregated to make paragraphs, and ultimately all assembled into a unified entity to result as an arousing story. There are many ways to go wrong in the process.

Vladimir Nabokov maintained that a good writer should be three things: a storyteller, a teacher, and an enchanter, the last representing the most important aspect. The best stories here show excellence in all three arenas.

My background and a sample of reviews can be seen in the March Reviews thread.

A few qualifications to this offer: the only category I won't do is Non-Consent (if your story leans more to the ‘Reluctance’ angle, I am game) and I reserve the right to decline a review (and I’ll tell you why in a private message.) 20k words is my ‘soft’ limit on length, anything greater just takes too long for a proper digestion.

I’ll promise you a comprehensive read and an authentic reaction. I’ll suggest areas that need work and ideas for increasing quality in your future endeavors. While I am keenly aware of how difficult it is to write (even substandard work takes effort) and will keep in mind the time and energy you may have put into your story, I won’t be kind if I think your story merits a beating. As a reader of erotica, I am hard to please. I encourage other authors to chime in in this thread as well IF they have also read the piece presented.

I welcome your offerings.

 

[AG31]

I'm a little confused about the purpose of this thread compared to "March Reviews Thread." But I'm always happy to find people willing to read my stories. I feel like I may have asked you for a review before, but I can't find it if I did.

a different perspective, one oriented towards the use of the language in creating an erotic tale.

This is my favorite kind of feedback, apart from feedback that catches errors and points of confusion. All of my stories have been revised multiple times on Smashwords (too cumbersome here, and I don't like to clog the input). Sometimes I re-read my stories and lie awake at night trying to come up with better wording for this or that. So, yeah, I'd like that kind of feedback.

I'm particularly interested in that kind of feedback because I write "simple erotica." I don't spend time on plot and character (see other posts from me about that), and that's what interests a lot of reviewers.

I've reflected on my stories and I don't think any involve pure "non consent."

Please pick the one or ones that interest you. They're all short. These are listed in the order written, and get slimmer and slimmer as time goes on. I'm leaving out my 3 vanilla stories.

Twelve Maxbridge Street - First and longest and best (in my opinion).
A young man signs up for an evening of sexual surrender.

Naked This is an outlier in my ouvre because it involves plot and character. There are some problems with quotation marks that I've fixed on Smashwords, but not here.
A man discovers he has a need for sexual surrender.

The Recurrence - Follows Naked
A police detective seeks out degradation.

Submission
A young man commits to an evening of sexual surrender.

An Enigma This is a takeoff on a scene from Gabaldon's The Outlander
To save his wife a man submits to pain & sexual humiliation.

After the Idyll This follows the vanilla Idyll, which I'm not listing here.
Scott's gay experiment leads him in unanticipated directions.

Vignette 1
Connor craves sexual surrender and Rachel obliges.

Vignette 2
An officer volunteers to become a slave to save a village.

and can accept some honest feedback,

No problem. Fire away.

 

[RBeemer]

I look forward to your review of one (or more!) of my stories.

 

[yowser]

I'm a little confused about the purpose of this thread compared to "March Reviews Thread." But I'm always happy to find people willing to read my stories. I feel like I may have asked you for a review before, but I can't find it if I did.
...
No problem. Fire away.

The March thread was an experiment/trial run. I didn't know whether I would get a hundred requests (which would mean I could not continue) or none (ditto.) Instead there was some interest, and I gained some sense of whether this would be at all valuable and if my commentary would be useful.

I've decided to continue indefinitely, so this thread is just announcing a change in status and a welcome for contributions, and I'd rather be clear about that up front.

I have reviewed one of your stories off-line, but am happy to take a look at another. I'll get one out to you here shortly.

 

[yowser]

@RBeemer
Sight is Overrated

I've got mixed reactions to this one, probably why it has taken so long to post my thoughts.

Writing second person POV is a huge challenge, it really only works for certain types of stories. I give you credit for a try, which is modestly successful. And your story is true 'second person' not the first person business often mistakenly regarded as second.

I like how you immediately set the scene, we know right away what is going on and who the characters are, although they are never named or even identified very clearly.

The 'instructions' are a bit over the top, but work, and are appropriate to the story.

Besides the second person narration (more later) the major issue for me here is that it reads like a man writing a woman's perspective. (I'm taking the 'male' self-identification in your profile at face value, apologies if this is not the case.) As a male who frequently writes female POV, I am keenly aware of the pitfalls inherent in doing this. You mostly handle matters well, but there are enough times that the male POV shows through that the narration is compromised.

The first real clue is the make-up-in-the-mirror business. Doing the MC's face 'to perfection.' Sounds like a restaurant menu description.

The assertion that the MC decides she looks 'pretty damn sexy' would be plausible, but only if preceded by a few paragraphs of some self-doubt in front of the mirror. All the women I know confess to some appearance insecurities. If your MC had made a couple self-critical observations 'sure wish my shoulders had a tighter curve to them,' 'never liked the gap between my eyebrows'-- even a 'the cat suit does a nice job of tightening the ol' tummy' observation would have make the 'pretty damn sexy' phrase snap into place and work marvelous well.

As the story proceeds (you lead us along nicely, ratcheting up the actions and sensations confidently and clearly) you get a lot of sensuous detail described in detail. Sometimes a bit over the top, but all works towards the story's ultimate conclusion. Writing mechanics are largely sound.

But the writing gets sloppier as the sex ramps up, a not infrequent pattern here on Lit. The clichés start piling up, the feeling that we are reading a man writing a woman's story becomes more apparent, the deeper you get into the sex the less appealing it becomes. Verbs get botched, the picture feels like the camera-hand is shaking. A keen editorial eye, and some ruthless pruning would do the last third of the story some real good.

'pleasure sleeve'
'magnificent meat stick'
'silky slit'

Oh please.

Here are a couple clunkers:

Even though you weren't sure you could at first you were able to slip right in to trusting this man one hundred percent.

His hot mouth returns to your pussy lips and he begins to lick, suck and probe you while his thumbs massage around the area and stimulated your hot button.

Even worse, we get the 'you feel him guide the tip of his hammer into your mossy cave.' Wait, I thought she did the total shave thing right at the beginning? What 'moss' might be left?

You did end on a sweet and satisfying note, and I appreciated the deft way you handled the pair's relationship and expectations for more in the future.

I don't know whether second person is a perspective you want to pursue in future work, but if you haven't read one thread on this topic, you might benefit from a look. I think it's an approach that puts off a good chunk of readers, if that is a consideration for you. The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

 

[intim8]

I really liked the review you did for my Christmas story last month. If it's OK, I'd love to get another one, but I don't want to hog the line.

This is a story in a different style than my usual, also a little over the top, but in a different and much less extreme way. It's 1P and has a really casual, conversational narration style, sometimes addressing the reader directlym and some humor. I really enjoyed writing it and would like to do more like it (though not all as wild as this). And this one has a good guy/bad guy plot to it, which is also unusual for my stories here. It was my On The Job entry last year.

I'm aware of the punctuation issues and a few typos. I'm putting more effort into that in my more recent work.

Nudio's Pizza (Exhibitionist & Voyeur, 11K words). (includes anal and cucking, but isn't focused on it) (and there's an Easter Egg reference to an 80s song)

If you'd like to do it, I'd appreciate it. But if you'd rather not do repeat authors, I understand.

 

[RBeemer]

@RBeemer
Sight is Overrated

I've got mixed reactions to this one, probably why it has taken so long to post my thoughts.

Writing second person POV is a huge challenge, it really only works for certain types of stories. I give you credit for a try, which is modestly successful. And your story is true 'second person' not the first person business often mistakenly regarded as second.

I like how you immediately set the scene, we know right away what is going on and who the characters are, although they are never named or even identified very clearly.

The 'instructions' are a bit over the top, but work, and are appropriate to the story.

Besides the second person narration (more later) the major issue for me here is that it reads like a man writing a woman's perspective. (I'm taking the 'male' self-identification in your profile at face value, apologies if this is not the case.) As a male who frequently writes female POV, I am keenly aware of the pitfalls inherent in doing this. You mostly handle matters well, but there are enough times that the male POV shows through that the narration is compromised.

The first real clue is the make-up-in-the-mirror business. Doing the MC's face 'to perfection.' Sounds like a restaurant menu description.

The assertion that the MC decides she looks 'pretty damn sexy' would be plausible, but only if preceded by a few paragraphs of some self-doubt in front of the mirror. All the women I know confess to some appearance insecurities. If your MC had made a couple self-critical observations 'sure wish my shoulders had a tighter curve to them,' 'never liked the gap between my eyebrows'-- even a 'the cat suit does a nice job of tightening the ol' tummy' observation would have make the 'pretty damn sexy' phrase snap into place and work marvelous well.

As the story proceeds (you lead us along nicely, ratcheting up the actions and sensations confidently and clearly) you get a lot of sensuous detail described in detail. Sometimes a bit over the top, but all works towards the story's ultimate conclusion. Writing mechanics are largely sound.

But the writing gets sloppier as the sex ramps up, a not infrequent pattern here on Lit. The clichés start piling up, the feeling that we are reading a man writing a woman's story becomes more apparent, the deeper you get into the sex the less appealing it becomes. Verbs get botched, the picture feels like the camera-hand is shaking. A keen editorial eye, and some ruthless pruning would do the last third of the story some real good.

'pleasure sleeve'
'magnificent meat stick'
'silky slit'

Oh please.

Here are a couple clunkers:

Even though you weren't sure you could at first you were able to slip right in to trusting this man one hundred percent.

His hot mouth returns to your pussy lips and he begins to lick, suck and probe you while his thumbs massage around the area and stimulated your hot button.

Even worse, we get the 'you feel him guide the tip of his hammer into your mossy cave.' Wait, I thought she did the total shave thing right at the beginning? What 'moss' might be left?

You did end on a sweet and satisfying note, and I appreciated the deft way you handled the pair's relationship and expectations for more in the future.

I don't know whether second person is a perspective you want to pursue in future work, but if you haven't read one thread on this topic, you might benefit from a look. I think it's an approach that puts off a good chunk of readers, if that is a consideration for you. The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

Yowser -

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my story Sight is Overrated. I accept your compliments and criticisms with equal gratitude.

I write my stories for an "audience of one" so some things just will not work with a wider, more diverse readership. However, it is great to know how my stories land for someone with the experience and intelligence to put together a thoughtful review.

I knew that my attempt at a non-traditional narrative perspective would be challenging but I had hoped to be able to pull it off better than I apparently did. It was NOT my intention to write from the heroine's point of view. I don't think I would ever attempt a female POV. My intended POV was that of the male telling the female what he hoped and dreamed for her experience to be. I was apparently unsuccessful in this attempt.

Sometimes I’m too META for my own good.

In fact my "audience of one" also scoffed at some of the heroine's reactions to the situation. I told her, "Hey. This is MY fantasy. Not yours."

My sloppy euphemisms for privates is a problem with which I struggle constantly.

All of my other stories are written from a first-person perspective. This one is an outlier in that regard. I'd love to get your take on my other stories but I know you have many other authors clamoring for your review.

Thank you again for your kind attention.

 

[AG31]

I write my stories for an "audience of one" so some things just will not work with a wider, more diverse readership.

Here, here! (Hear, hear????)

 

[AlinaX]

The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

Thanks for the shout, and thanks @intim8 for the nice comment!

 

[RoperTrace]

@RBeemer
Sight is Overrated

I've got mixed reactions to this one, probably why it has taken so long to post my thoughts.

Writing second person POV is a huge challenge, it really only works for certain types of stories. I give you credit for a try, which is modestly successful. And your story is true 'second person' not the first person business often mistakenly regarded as second.

I like how you immediately set the scene, we know right away what is going on and who the characters are, although they are never named or even identified very clearly.

The 'instructions' are a bit over the top, but work, and are appropriate to the story.

Besides the second person narration (more later) the major issue for me here is that it reads like a man writing a woman's perspective. (I'm taking the 'male' self-identification in your profile at face value, apologies if this is not the case.) As a male who frequently writes female POV, I am keenly aware of the pitfalls inherent in doing this. You mostly handle matters well, but there are enough times that the male POV shows through that the narration is compromised.

The first real clue is the make-up-in-the-mirror business. Doing the MC's face 'to perfection.' Sounds like a restaurant menu description.

The assertion that the MC decides she looks 'pretty damn sexy' would be plausible, but only if preceded by a few paragraphs of some self-doubt in front of the mirror. All the women I know confess to some appearance insecurities. If your MC had made a couple self-critical observations 'sure wish my shoulders had a tighter curve to them,' 'never liked the gap between my eyebrows'-- even a 'the cat suit does a nice job of tightening the ol' tummy' observation would have make the 'pretty damn sexy' phrase snap into place and work marvelous well.

As the story proceeds (you lead us along nicely, ratcheting up the actions and sensations confidently and clearly) you get a lot of sensuous detail described in detail. Sometimes a bit over the top, but all works towards the story's ultimate conclusion. Writing mechanics are largely sound.

But the writing gets sloppier as the sex ramps up, a not infrequent pattern here on Lit. The clichés start piling up, the feeling that we are reading a man writing a woman's story becomes more apparent, the deeper you get into the sex the less appealing it becomes. Verbs get botched, the picture feels like the camera-hand is shaking. A keen editorial eye, and some ruthless pruning would do the last third of the story some real good.

'pleasure sleeve'
'magnificent meat stick'
'silky slit'

Oh please.

Here are a couple clunkers:

Even though you weren't sure you could at first you were able to slip right in to trusting this man one hundred percent.

His hot mouth returns to your pussy lips and he begins to lick, suck and probe you while his thumbs massage around the area and stimulated your hot button.

Even worse, we get the 'you feel him guide the tip of his hammer into your mossy cave.' Wait, I thought she did the total shave thing right at the beginning? What 'moss' might be left?

You did end on a sweet and satisfying note, and I appreciated the deft way you handled the pair's relationship and expectations for more in the future.

I don't know whether second person is a perspective you want to pursue in future work, but if you haven't read one thread on this topic, you might benefit from a look. I think it's an approach that puts off a good chunk of readers, if that is a consideration for you. The best effort with this perspective I have read here is by @AlinaX, called Swallow.

Are you sure it wasn't a muddy cave? Hey, I think I'm onto something.

 

[lc69hunter]

Thanks for the shout, and thanks @intim8 for the nice comment!

Just read your latesthttps://www.literotica.com/s/summer-wine-2 . A great fantasy. gave it a 5.

 

[AlinaX]

Just read your latest Summer Wine. A great fantasy. gave it a 5.

Thank you I started out planning a daft gameshow and ended up with an interesting throuple romance.

 

[yowser]

@AG31
Twelve Maxbridge Street

This is a longer and more complex work than anything I have read of yours before (conversations offline). As you have noted, your main theme is surrender, of a Male MC. I also recall your assertion that you don't write with 'plot' or 'character' in mind. This naturally poses problems in making improvement suggestions, since without these two elements, you don’t really have a story.

I understand that you are writing fantasies, for your own purposes, so will focus on the use of language to do so.

First of all, good news, this is a far better effort than the work I have provided feedback on before (offline), An Enigma, and you should be pleased at the differences, apparent and tangible in your prose.

Sentence structure is more varied, word choices better, the overall descriptions and story arc far more nuanced and developed. All good.

I am aware that your goal is setting your fantasies down and exploring your theme to the best of your ability, and that improving is a significant desire. I am going to suggest an approach you may want to consider:

Think of your reader.

Perhaps your main reader is you. Maybe that is the only reader you care about. But if you are able to put your awareness into the mind of another reader, you may find that your own written fantasies become better and more exciting. If you can do this, I think you’ll find ways to make your stories more enjoyable, immersive, and satisfying. And to me, the harnessing of the language to tell a tale is one of the most important activities an artist can accomplish.

(Clarification: think of your reader after writing your story. Not sure of your writing process so might be draft No. 2 or 8. But somewhere in your edit/revise cycle, try to imagine how a reader is getting your words/sentences/paragraphs/descriptions and consider how you might improve their experience. But get the meat of the story out first, for yourself. I think @NoTalentHack says it well elsewhere in the AH: ‘write for yourself, publish for your readers.’)

So I’m going to give you my reactions as a reader - not necessarily one who fits your interest bracket (I understand the appeal of surrender, and what it can do with the ways of pleasure in sexual situations, but it is hardly a main interest of mine.) But surrender - giving oneself to another, to others, in situations that eliminate one’s will and agency, and force one into a position of receptivity: alive, sentient, aware of what is being done to you and how you are reacting – this can be powerful stuff.

So as a reader, here is how it goes for me, I’ll take you through my understandings/reactions:

Setting, the ‘Association’, fairly explicitly a club sexual in nature. Our hero (named but the name is almost irrelevant, and although he remains nameless for a lengthy first section of the story I am glad you find a suitably satisfying way to give him an appellation by including his co-workers into the drama) leaves his office (down the stairs to the street) and goes to the club, symbolically down (again) a flight of stairs from the street and into a large and fairly undefined room. We’re doing the ‘down’ theme here. So far, so good, although I am annoyed that you need to mention ‘perfect’ so frequently. (Four times in the first three paragraphs. Understood.)

I do like how you introduce his physical sensations along the way, not too much, although often too much ‘telling’ and not ‘showing.’ Mostly you handle this well, stretching the sensations out with writerly intent and purpose.

Once in place our MC is commanded to masturbate and does so, with some hints of pain provided at the end, with various boots applied to genitals and the threat of more to come hovering in the air.

Then we get odd mysterious costumes added, and more mysterious people enter the scene in ones and twos, partners in crime as it were. Various mechanisms and tools of torture are added. I know the effect intended, but it all does get a bit complicated and confusing as time goes on, with increasingly complicated mechanisms and apparatus introduced into our hero’s passage through the humiliation labyrinth.

(One suggestion, when complex apparatus is introduced, instead of trying for a clinical third-person narration, perhaps frame it all from the MC’s perspective. You won’t need to get all the shiny bits of detail right and the physics of it all, and ambiguity can be understood in the natural way that the MC is experiencing the new tools of torture. This will heighten reader attention and draw them into the MC’s head, making a clearer picture in general. The reader will appreciate this.)

Various persons are introduced into the journey, each with some sort of torturous role for our hero, and while you attempt to keep individuals distinct, I suspect you could do a better job of this, even if the throng of dozens are just bit parts. Some descriptions (‘callow youth’) don’t work all that well, and things get more confusing as the cast grows and the reader has to keep track of them all.

(You likely have a clear picture in your head of all the complexity, but readers are poor mind-readers and need real clues from the author.)

Hero is put through the paces (not sure the segment subtitles ‘punishment,’ ‘bondage,’ etc are necessary or even a good idea, it might perhaps be more effective to have the ‘officials’ announce them rather than just inserting them into the narration as subheadings.)

Many of the descriptions are handled in a flat impersonal tone, with none of the sentence structure variation you managed in earlier sections. It all begins to read like some sort of manual. This person does this. That person does something different. And some of MC’s reactions are flat out B-movie stuff:

They're playing me like a bass fiddle, Faranger thought ruefully.

Dialog similarly is flat. Perhaps you are intending to introduce an element of ‘formality’ to the proceedings for effect (inspiration from old-style French erotica is mentioned in your meta-musings), but I suggest a more realistic approach to the participants’ speaking parts.

Here’s an example:

"We are the most scientific and practiced of the groups in The Association. We've studied whipping strategies, and we know what works and doesn't. The goal is to bring you to orgasm without resorting to any other method than pain. We're always successful."

Surely you can have them do their spiel in a more authentic and natural fashion? It all is monotone. Even suggesting the hint of delivery (Supercilious? Overly practiced?) would give some flavor and provide some depth to the speaking parts.

Words emerge from the mouths of your various characters, but there is no register difference between them in the slightest. No way to identify a character by the way they speak, and since you have so many individuals in your scene, you leave the reader with no dialog clues as to who is who, no variation amongst the speaking parts.

The closest you come to a sense of human speech is here:

"Pity," she said again, with a rueful twist of her lips.

My only suggestion is observation: amongst real live humans engaged in conversation, reading writers who handle dialog well (Barbara Kingsolver comes to mind.) Review your old erotica if that is the flavor you seek. An easy step to take that will enliven your tales.
So our hero is whipped and forced to climax over and over, thrown in a cage, given some healing ointments and so forth and inexplicably is settled into unconsciousness with a person who is is appointed caretaker alongside, Sandra, and who then proceeds to inhabit the last, post-event, sections of the story.

What? Why? Was this planned by the Association? You end up with an explanation for Sandra and her continued interest but as a reader I am jarred by the suddenness of it all and it feels like her arrival was tacked on to the tale out of the blue. The couple do movies and sports events and dinner together without much development and it all is so remarkable.

At the very least, I think you need more work on a transition and how their connection grows, it’s quite wooden as is.

Another fairly major issue that is going to trouble anyone reading this who has experienced anal penetration:

Zero lubrication. That’s just not how it is handled in the real world. Things just don’t get shoved into position without some sort of fluid to ease things along. You can still get pain and blood-stains on towels and pure hurt, but without some sort of fluid application, folks are just going to scoff/tune out or worse.

Here’s a couple examples of awkward phrasings, about as far from classic French erotica that you can get, anachronistic and glaringly divergent in tone from the rest of the tale:

Faranger was too wiped out to really absorb the terror of that thought.

By this time Faranger was not sure at all that the punishment station was a good idea. But there was nothing for it but to hang in there.

For better stories in the future, here’s what you can do:

Court your reader. Caress your reader. Let them know you care. Fine to surprise them, but don’t let them be stumped. Make life as easy and exciting for them as possible, their reading an enjoyable excursion.

So there you are. I appreciate your ambition, your focus, your generally good command of language at the mortar-and-brick level, but your main goal of improvement will I think prove difficult until you try to look at your work from the reader’s perspective. Second oldest dance in history, writer and reader, make it a good one.

 

[AG31]

Thanks for one of the best reviews I've gotten (not "best" in the sense of "great story," but "best" in the sense that you accurately recognize what I'm doing and what I'm intending to do, whether or not you approve.

Here are a few comments on your comments.

I understand that you are writing fantasies, for your own purposes, so will focus on the use of language to do so.

THANK YOU!

Think of your reader.

I take comfort in never doing that. I don't consider myself a writer, and the one time I tried to "create" a story, instead of just record it, I failed miserably and am thinkful it was caught by a beta reader before I submitted it.

Perhaps your main reader is you. Maybe that is the only reader you care about. But if you are able to put your awareness into the mind of another reader, you may find that your own written fantasies become better and more exciting.

I think this is an excellent suggestion, and will re-visit my stories with this in mind.

So I’m going to give you my reactions as a reader - not necessarily one who fits your interest bracket (I understand the appeal of surrender, and what it can do with the ways of pleasure in sexual situations, but it is hardly a main interest of mine.) But surrender - giving oneself to another, to others, in situations that eliminate one’s will and agency, and force one into a position of receptivity: alive, sentient, aware of what is being done to you and how you are reacting – this can be powerful stuff.

Thanks for this expression of what I'm writing about.

So far, so good, although I am annoyed that you need to mention ‘perfect’ so frequently. (Four times in the first three paragraphs. Understood.)

Half the people who have commented on this thought it was funny (as it was meant to be - that is, he's mocking himself). The other half get annoyed. It's one of the main points that have taught me that sometimes things work for people and sometimes they don't.

I do like how you introduce his physical sensations along the way, not too much, although often too much ‘telling’ and not ‘showing.’ Mostly you handle this well, stretching the sensations out with writerly intent and purpose.

Thanks!

I know the effect intended, but it all does get a bit complicated and confusing as time goes on, with increasingly complicated mechanisms and apparatus introduced into our hero’s passage through the humiliation labyrinth.

Yes, indeed. I really struggled to put the gadgets into words. I'm going to keep my eye open for the way other authors handle it.

(One suggestion, when complex apparatus is introduced, instead of trying for a clinical third-person narration, perhaps frame it all from the MC’s perspective. You won’t need to get all the shiny bits of detail right and the physics of it all, and ambiguity can be understood in the natural way that the MC is experiencing the new tools of torture. This will heighten reader attention and draw them into the MC’s head, making a clearer picture in general. The reader will appreciate this.)

Wouldn't I have to put the whole thing into first person?

Some descriptions (‘callow youth’) don’t work all that well,

Awww... That's one of my favorite inspirations! (See comment above on "perfect, perfect.")

(You likely have a clear picture in your head of all the complexity, but readers are poor mind-readers and need real clues from the author.)

Will keep this in mind for future revisions.

Many of the descriptions are handled in a flat impersonal tone, with none of the sentence structure variation you managed in earlier sections. It all begins to read like some sort of manual. This person does this. That person does something different.

One reader liked my "static" style. And I've recently re-read The Story of O, and it's clear that my inspiration was well founded. So I'll stick with it.

And some of MC’s reactions are flat out B-movie stuff:

They're playing me like a bass fiddle, Faranger thought ruefully.

Did I really right this???? I'll have to go check.

Dialog similarly is flat. Perhaps you are intending to introduce an element of ‘formality’ to the proceedings for effect (inspiration from old-style French erotica is mentioned in your meta-musings), but I suggest a more realistic approach to the participants’ speaking parts.

Bingo. "Formality" is it. @RainyDayPen described her own writing in this way and after about 3 years of wishing I could describe what I was doing to myself, that did it for me. And yes, classic French erotica.

Here’s an example:

"We are the most scientific and practiced of the groups in The Association. We've studied whipping strategies, and we know what works and doesn't. The goal is to bring you to orgasm without resorting to any other method than pain. We're always successful."

Surely you can have them do their spiel in a more authentic and natural fashion? It all is monotone. Even suggesting the hint of delivery (Supercilious? Overly practiced?) would give some flavor and provide some depth to the speaking parts.

Again, one of my favorite bits. But I continue to appreciate your peek into the mind of the reader for whom this doesn't work.

What? Why? Was this planned by the Association?

Here's where my psyche must be driving things. As I said, this is a fantasy that came to me. There's a different side of my psyche coming into view in this section.

Another fairly major issue that is going to trouble anyone reading this who has experienced anal penetration:

Zero lubrication. That’s just not how it is handled in the real world. Things just don’t get shoved into position without some sort of fluid to ease things along. You can still get pain and blood-stains on towels and pure hurt, but without some sort of fluid application, folks are just going to scoff/tune out or worse.

You're not the first to notice this, and I fixed it in the Smashwords edition. But it's just too cumbersome to try to edit here on Lit, so I've let it be.

Here’s a couple examples of awkward phrasings, about as far from classic French erotica that you can get, anachronistic and glaringly divergent in tone from the rest of the tale:

Faranger was too wiped out to really absorb the terror of that thought.

Good catch. Will change that somehow.

By this time Faranger was not sure at all that the punishment station was a good idea. But there was nothing for it but to hang in there.

Will work on this too.

So there you are. I appreciate your ambition, your focus, your generally good command of language at the mortar-and-brick level, but your main goal of improvement will I think prove difficult until you try to look at your work from the reader’s perspective. Second oldest dance in history, writer and reader, make it a good one.

Again, thanks very much. And even though I don't write for the reader, your suggestion of thinking about the reader when tackling tough stuff like describing gadgets is appreciated.

And, again, thanks for your perceptiveness about what I'm about.

 

[AG31]

(One suggestion, when complex apparatus is introduced, instead of trying for a clinical third-person narration, perhaps frame it all from the MC’s perspective. You won’t need to get all the shiny bits of detail right and the physics of it all, and ambiguity can be understood in the natural way that the MC is experiencing the new tools of torture.

When I first read this, I thought you meant to switch to first person. But, on reflection, you mean, I think, to continue in 3rd person to describe the MC's perspective on what's happening. Excellent suggestion. I'll give it a go.

 

[AG31]

(One suggestion, when complex apparatus is introduced, instead of trying for a clinical third-person narration, perhaps frame it all from the MC’s perspective. You won’t need to get all the shiny bits of detail right and the physics of it all, and ambiguity can be understood in the natural way that the MC is experiencing the new tools of torture. This will heighten reader attention and draw them into the MC’s head, making a clearer picture in general. The reader will appreciate this.)

I've translated "heighten reader attention" to "get inside the MCs head and report his experience more fully."

This is an interesting point about my writing. As you know, early on I identified Pauline Reage (Story of O) as my model, but also, early on, I was aware that I was extremely explicit about the MC's perceived experience, whereas Reage tells us almost nothing about O's physical reactions. All we know is she wanted to give herself to whatever her lover required of her.

So when I write a passage like you identified, it's not just laziness. It's forgetting who I am as a writer and just slipping into Reage mode.

Is this the kind of thing you were talking about? Do you remember any other specifics where I could have shifted to the MCs perspective?

BEFORE

“OK, Mike. Time’s up,” said the woman in black.

“Now we’d like you to mount this frame,” she said. The handlers were rolling up a metal contraption that had a cross bar at the end closest to the table, a leather strap about a foot wide across the middle, and in back two fiber glass structures which were obviously for his knees, if they were spread apart as far as possible. The handlers helped him get his knees in place and to lay his forearms across the bar in front. It was padded and covered in leather and there was a depression in the middle that reminded him of the head rest at the ophthalmologist’s office. When he rested his ribs on the leather strap he could rest his forehead on the depression in the front bar or on his hands. The frame had him angled up enough so that if he tipped his head just a little downward he had the same view of his naked, splayed body as the people at the table. He closed his eyes momentarily to savor his exposure. The people at the sides and end of the table got up and gathered around so they could watch what was happening in the back. He could feel the beat of his heart in his penis.

AFTER

There seemed to be no more people armed with phalluses approaching. Faranger let his arms drop and stood relaxed, passive, but his flesh was alight with anticipation for the next touch, whatever it might be. He remained erect.

Presently an apparatus made of shiny stainless steel parts was rolled next to him. At first Faranger could make no sense of it, but then its use became clearer. He acquiesced to the unspoken command and grasped the side bars so he could place his knees in the obvious shapes. He shifted his hands to a bar closest to the table, and let his forehead and torso rest on the places provided. All of the points where he rested were padded, thus allowing him to focus on his exposure without the distraction of discomfort.

His thighs were pulled apart just short of pain and his genitals hung heavy and free, his erection declaring his willing participation to the onlookers.

He was angled to give the people at the table an unobstructed view and his body was flooded with an erotic flush, both humiliating and welcome.

The people at the sides and end of the table got up and gathered around so they could watch what was happening in the back. He could feel the beat of his heart in his penis.