Reviews welcome!

[submissivebaby]

I just published a story that I would love some feedback/reviews on. I post infrequently but I do enjoy writing when I can get my head into it.

https://literotica.com/s/fun-in-nature

 

[TheRedChamber]

I had a look at this one. It's not a bad story by any means, though I should probably say up-front that I'm not really 'into' the whole daddy-lg scene and that will undoubtedly colour my comments somewhat.

- The plot is good for this kind of story - drive into the country, infraction and then punishment in nature. It makes a good episode or vignette.

- The main issue I had is your paragraphing. You have a whole bunch of paragraphs which often exceed 200 or sometimes 300 words often one after another. I tend to write long paragraphs myself and there's nothing wrong with have some longer descriptive paragraphs. In this story, I often had to drag myself through one long paragraph only to find myself staring down the beginning of another equally long one.

I was wrapped up in a slightly thick cardigan and his tee. I hadn't any underwear on and was barefoot. One of the things that I enjoyed about being a stay at home was how much I could be barefoot. There is something so comforting about being able to wander around our home and gardens with no socks and shoes. We had quite a nice bit of land around our home. I enjoyed having a little veg patch and a small orchard. We also had a few chickens, which was a delight for daddy to have fresh eggs cooked in the morning. He had pulled some joggers on and I perversely watched as his muscles moved this way and that way with just his general movements. He had a Spanish background so enjoyed any slight sunshine, practically worshipping the rays. Me on the other hand, had ginger hair and fair skin, so I had to be careful. Most summers I ended up with some sort of self inflicted degree of sunstroke. He walked outside and left me to make coffee.

This is an example from early on. At 180 words it's not the longest, but you cover - the clothes the MC wears, the house they live in, the daddy, and the MC skin. You then finish with the only 'movement' in the paragraph. This could easily be three paragraphs (maybe green and orange then blue and purple and finally yellow), but it could also be the case that not all of this is relevant anyway - I get that you want to paint a picture of domesticity, but they're going to be leaving home in a couple of paragraphs anyway. I found a lot of the movement in other paragraphs tends to get hidden within the other lengthy descriptions.

'No daddy! That's not what I said!!' I had tears in my eyes when he opened his and turned his head to look at me. He smiled at me wickedly and reached his hand to my face, cupping it and kissing me. I relaxed into his lips, his kiss deep and slow. It was like he was trying to coax out the anxiety from me. I rolled over on top of him, my body pressing against his. My argument for someone seeing us had been quickly forgotten; however, I knew it was unlikely anyone would see us as we were so far into the route that not many take. I pressed my breasts into his chest. He had chosen a thin lounge style bra for me this morning so as my nipples hardened, I knew he would feel it against his bare skin. His hands slowly lowered down my sides and stopped at my hips. I moved them ever so slightly, brushing against his crotch. I let out a tiny little moan and he pushed me deeper into his crotch. I began to grind against him, his cock hardening quickly. His tongue snaked into my mouth, almost like he was pulling out the moans escaping from me. I could feel my knickers getting wet. I pressed down harder against his cock, desperate to have him inside of me. My grinding soon got the better of him and with a deep groan he turned and flipped me onto my back, my legs either side of him. I giggled.

This paragraph is noticeable because it starts with tears in her eyes and ends with her giggling and there's a hell of a lot happening in-between

- It doesn't help that there are long stories without much dialogue - and I started enjoying the story a bit more when they actually started to talk to each other and a lot more when they started arguing.

- Related to that, and perhaps an indication of me not being into the whole DD/lg genre, you had the characters in, well, 'character' through the whole story. This means that the best that can be said about Daddy is that he's 'strict and taciturn' although the words 'arsehole' flashed into my mind at times. She is very passive. Some people probably like that. Personally, my preference (and it is just a preference) is to have real-life creep into the story in parts. Which again, is probably while I enjoyed it when she stood up for herself.

- You are to be commended for making some drink a cup of cold tea feel a more sadistic act than many authors manage with whips, clamps and chains.