Looking for feedback on a series - features alien futa on both F/M with large, high pleasure penetration and strong story moments

[Beta_Krogoth]

Hey all, i'm looking to get some feedback on a couple stories and generally get a bit more involved with the community, i'm focusing on my creative output a lot more recently and i'm actually getting a decent amount written. I'm getting some views and favourites on these so far but no real comments.

The first is a series i'm writing called "Sweet Venom", the main porn hook is sci-fi futa on male, alien and anthro characters but the story itself is a mix of action, horror and romance. A bit out there but if you like it, you like it. I'm focusing a lot more on the story though, this isn't technically the original SV i wrote, the original was a lot more porny but its old and needed redoing. I seem to be retaining some views between the chapters but if anyone is bored, i'd love some feedback. Theres a good chunk more story for me up to upload and its on-going but its coming along nicely. - I should note, chapter 1 of SV no longer has any sex in it, if you're looking for the hot stuff, Chapters 2 & 4 are where it happens.

The second is a stand-alone short story based in the same universe, its a futa on female sci-fi first person domination tale with some size difference, lesbian action, strapon and big penetration but it was also my first time doing a first person story, I seem to get a lot of "this is good" but not much else, appreciate any and all feedback.


Links below to both, feel free to read either or neither, thanks for reading and hope you're all doing well!


Sweet Venom Ch.01 - https://literotica.com/s/sweet-venom-ch-01
Sweet Venom Ch.02 - https://literotica.com/s/sweet-venom-ch-02
Expense Taste - https://literotica.com/s/heavy-weapons-expensive-taste

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read Expensive Taste. It's not normally the sort of thing I'd read, but I enjoyed it. It's fun and has a lot of energy to it, and the different sizes and races obviously allow you to get entreme with it. My feedback would be:

1) The story is about 7,700 words long and nearly 3,000 of these are about the party. Obviously setting the scene is important especially with it being a science-fiction story, but you have the main character meeting four different people all with the basic idea of her looking down on them. You could lose one or even two of these easily and get to the action a bit quicker. There are some good lines in this section 'his fight or flight instinct kicks in when someone sends him a badly formatted email'. 'I'm pretty sure he read about girls in a pop-up book and learnt that they like it when you remember things they say.' but a lot of it is repetatively vitriolic and could be cut down to show of the good lines more. The four characters do see the MC at the end, but this could easily just be Duncan who seems like the most important and still have the desired effect.

2) One the other hand the two assistants are important and are referenced a lot in the first few paragraphs of the story, but don't get proper introductions until they start fucking the MC. It might have been good to have their relationship be characterised a bit more at the start. I guess you can argue that she doesn't notice the assistants until they are allowed their way with her, but, even so, I think you could sneek some clues about them in there - e.g. they mess something up and are repremanded.

3) There's a couple of places where the vocubulary is a bit repetative. Two characters use the phrase 'bottoming out' very close together and you have 'fapping' three times within two paragraphs. Two paragraphs in a row start with 'My assistants finish'.

4) You have an issue with a lot of comma-splices in your writing. Formally, you're supposed to avoid these, though the occassional one doesn't really hurt, but you really do have a lot. For example:

My assistants finish up, my dress is a wonderful, vibrant purple, I think it matches well with my amber eyes, my make-up is on point, I give myself one final look in the mirror, I am lithe and elegant, with the right amount of intimidating.

This should be:

My assistants finish up. My dress is a wonderful, vibrant purple. I think it matches well with my amber eyes. My make up is on point. I give myself one final look in the mirror. I'm lithe and elegant with the right amount of intimidating.

That ends up with too many short sentences though, so I'd probably go with something like:

My assistants finish up. I give myself one final look in the mirror. My dress is a wonderful, vibrant purple which matches well with my amber eyes and my make up is on point. Overall I'm lithe and elegant and sufficiently intimidating.

5. There are a lot of places where you have I'm or I've without a capital letter. This doesn't happen with I so I'm not sure what's going on with it. Similarly there are quite a few missing apostrophes with 'she's' and 'it's'

 

[Beta_Krogoth]

I read Expensive Taste. It's not normally the sort of thing I'd read, but I enjoyed it. It's fun and has a lot of energy to it, and the different sizes and races obviously allow you to get entreme with it. My feedback would be:

1) The story is about 7,700 words long and nearly 3,000 of these are about the party. Obviously setting the scene is important especially with it being a science-fiction story, but you have the main character meeting four different people all with the basic idea of her looking down on them. You could lose one or even two of these easily and get to the action a bit quicker. There are some good lines in this section 'his fight or flight instinct kicks in when someone sends him a badly formatted email'. 'I'm pretty sure he read about girls in a pop-up book and learnt that they like it when you remember things they say.' but a lot of it is repetatively vitriolic and could be cut down to show of the good lines more. The four characters do see the MC at the end, but this could easily just be Duncan who seems like the most important and still have the desired effect.

2) One the other hand the two assistants are important and are referenced a lot in the first few paragraphs of the story, but don't get proper introductions until they start fucking the MC. It might have been good to have their relationship be characterised a bit more at the start. I guess you can argue that she doesn't notice the assistants until they are allowed their way with her, but, even so, I think you could sneek some clues about them in there - e.g. they mess something up and are repremanded.

3) There's a couple of places where the vocubulary is a bit repetative. Two characters use the phrase 'bottoming out' very close together and you have 'fapping' three times within two paragraphs. Two paragraphs in a row start with 'My assistants finish'.

4) You have an issue with a lot of comma-splices in your writing. Formally, you're supposed to avoid these, though the occassional one doesn't really hurt, but you really do have a lot. For example:



This should be:


That ends up with too many short sentences though, so I'd probably go with something like:



5. There are a lot of places where you have I'm or I've without a capital letter. This doesn't happen with I so I'm not sure what's going on with it. Similarly there are quite a few missing apostrophes with 'she's' and 'it's'

This is wonderful feedback, thank you and much appreciated! Glad you enjoyed too, this was my first time writing in this style and the story was technically split in two, the party and the sex afterwards, this is likely why the party felt a little long perhaps.

With the assistants, my intention was definitely to imply that Rosa didn't take much notice of them, but I could beef up their description just a little before that, I think I can hit a better balance, certainly.

1. Thats a fair point, I do think that I could have been snappier about that, truth be told I was really enjoying writing her sass and I went quite hard on it, I could do better though.

For point 3, absolutely agree, I do try to vary things up, i've amended those examples on my personal copy, appreciate the call out.

4. This will be a longer fix but its a fair point, I think i might produce a new version with snapper version with cleaner cuts and amended writing

5. This has always thrown me but thank you again, i've amended it on my personal copy.

Thank you once again, hugely appreciated!