likitisplit
Really Really Experienced
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- Aug 6, 2012
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what did one tampon say to the other?
nothing...they were both stuck up cunts.
nothing...they were both stuck up cunts.
Britva415
"Alabaster," my ass
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mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Private Eye
A recently married woman, a bit suspicious of her husband, hired a private detective to follow him.
After a week, the detective reported that he had tracked her husband in to four bars and a bachelor's apartment.
"Aha," she exclaimed, "I knew that skunk was cheating on me. Go on, what was he doing in those places?"
Embarrassed, and with a halting voice, the detective said, "Ma'am, he was trailing you."
A recently married woman, a bit suspicious of her husband, hired a private detective to follow him.
After a week, the detective reported that he had tracked her husband in to four bars and a bachelor's apartment.
"Aha," she exclaimed, "I knew that skunk was cheating on me. Go on, what was he doing in those places?"
Embarrassed, and with a halting voice, the detective said, "Ma'am, he was trailing you."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A dad walks past his Son's room
He notices the room is super clean, the beds well kept and everything looks organized. A bit suspicious he looks inside and finds a letter on the study table marked just DAD.
With trembling hands he opens the letter and it reads "Dad, I have run away with Tracey. I know she is 30 years older than me but I love her. We had to elope as she became pregnant ,and she told me it's my child. Didn't have enough money so stole some from your wallet. We will live in the woods where she has a trailer and where we will be growing Marijuana and bartering it with cocaine and other drugs with the community there. Once we have enough money we can start treatment for her AIDS. We plan of having many children and we will visit you each year.
Hey, don't worry! I was just kidding around. I'm hanging out at Tim's place right now. I just wanted to say there are scarier things than my report card, which is over on the other table if you want to check it out. Once you're feeling calm, give me a call, and I'll head back home."
Your Son
He notices the room is super clean, the beds well kept and everything looks organized. A bit suspicious he looks inside and finds a letter on the study table marked just DAD.
With trembling hands he opens the letter and it reads "Dad, I have run away with Tracey. I know she is 30 years older than me but I love her. We had to elope as she became pregnant ,and she told me it's my child. Didn't have enough money so stole some from your wallet. We will live in the woods where she has a trailer and where we will be growing Marijuana and bartering it with cocaine and other drugs with the community there. Once we have enough money we can start treatment for her AIDS. We plan of having many children and we will visit you each year.
Hey, don't worry! I was just kidding around. I'm hanging out at Tim's place right now. I just wanted to say there are scarier things than my report card, which is over on the other table if you want to check it out. Once you're feeling calm, give me a call, and I'll head back home."
Your Son
Elmo_Lincoln
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 12, 2012
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his willy into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed to talk about it. He vowed to overcome his compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home early. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I had told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my willy into the pickle slicer?" he said.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," his wife said.
"Yes, I did," Bill replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" his wife asked.
"I got fired," Bill answered.
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" his wife asked.
Bill said, "Oh... she got fired, too!"
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed to talk about it. He vowed to overcome his compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home early. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I had told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my willy into the pickle slicer?" he said.
"Oh, Bill, you didn't," his wife said.
"Yes, I did," Bill replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" his wife asked.
"I got fired," Bill answered.
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" his wife asked.
Bill said, "Oh... she got fired, too!"
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A guy goes to a brothel. The madame meets him at the door and asks if she can help him, he tells her it's been a while and he needs to get some relief. The madame takes him in to meet the girls, one asked him what he had, so he dropped his pants and reveals. 2" dick with 'Shortys' tattooed on it.
One girl in the back giggled and said she hasn't got any business in a while so she would take him. 2 hours later, she came back down stairs looking like she was in a war. Hair a mess, clothes falling off of her, walking like she was spent.
The madame ran over and asked what the hell did he do to you?
"Nothing" she said, "But when we were down here it said Shortys, upstairs it said "Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee."
One girl in the back giggled and said she hasn't got any business in a while so she would take him. 2 hours later, she came back down stairs looking like she was in a war. Hair a mess, clothes falling off of her, walking like she was spent.
The madame ran over and asked what the hell did he do to you?
"Nothing" she said, "But when we were down here it said Shortys, upstairs it said "Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee."
mugsgame
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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman....they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"
The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker." She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.
The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his dick while he's asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.
The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you're sleeping?"
The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."
12oclocktales
siren songs
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- Dec 19, 2022
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- 570
A young man tries repeatedly to get his sweetheart to have sex with him, but she steadfastly refuses until they are married. Finally they’re wed, and after making love on their wedding night, he admits to her that, “Yes, you were smart not to have sex with me before tonight – I might never have married you if you had.”
“Don’t I know it,” she tells him. “That’s the way the last five guys fooled me.”
“Don’t I know it,” she tells him. “That’s the way the last five guys fooled me.”
Elmo_Lincoln
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A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visited a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asked the wife, "What's the problem?"
She responded, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turned to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replied, "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me. I'm fine."
She responded, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turned to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband replied, "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me. I'm fine."
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A priest is sitting next to a drunk on a bus
On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.
Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: "Do you know what arthritis is?"
The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, asked the drunk: "How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.
Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: "Do you know what arthritis is?"
The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, asked the drunk: "How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
crazychemgirl
all about the tits
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mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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A teacher says to Little Johnny "If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny says "Seven."
Teacher says "No, listen carefully. If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny again says "Seven."
Teacher says "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny says "Six."
Teacher says "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny says "Seven!!"
Teacher says "Johnny! Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says "Because I'VE ALREADY GOT A FUCKING CAT!"
Johnny says "Seven."
Teacher says "No, listen carefully. If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny again says "Seven."
Teacher says "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny says "Six."
Teacher says "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny says "Seven!!"
Teacher says "Johnny! Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says "Because I'VE ALREADY GOT A FUCKING CAT!"
Britva415
"Alabaster," my ass
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"stop me if you've heard this one"
mugsgame
Literotica Guru
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of university, "what starting salary are you expecting?"
The engineer replies, "$200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer says, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, full medical and dental, gym membership, all meals provided and a Lamborghini company car to use?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow, are you kidding?!"
The interviewer says, "Yeah, but you started it."
The engineer replies, "$200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer says, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, full medical and dental, gym membership, all meals provided and a Lamborghini company car to use?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow, are you kidding?!"
The interviewer says, "Yeah, but you started it."
12oclocktales
siren songs
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- Dec 19, 2022
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- 570
Groucho lives!!
XShadynzX
Little Kiwi
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- Jan 25, 2024
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- 2,431
A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.
CuriousGuy62
Really Really Experienced
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- Sep 23, 2012
- Posts
- 442
Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
CuriousGuy62
Really Really Experienced
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- Sep 23, 2012
- Posts
- 442
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and I hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." the man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole". "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
mortis
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- Oct 15, 2002
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- 2,943
Bump this back up we need some good old fashioned jokes.
Baptizing in the Spirit
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
Baptizing in the Spirit
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
djole_i_mira
Virgin
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- Jul 9, 2006
- Posts
- 561
This was only the first part of the story and I feel the need to inform everybody on how it all ended.
So after having a nice time at the brothel, the guy gets in his car and heads home and wakes up in a hospital.
The nurse is taking care of his wounds and greets him as he regains his consciousness.
"Where am I? What happened?" He asks as he tries to move and notices that he is in a full body cast.
"Well, there is no other way to tell you this, but you barely survived the collision with that truck on the highway." She tells him.
He looks down his arms and legs barely Being able to move his fingers, and says: "It must have been a terrible hit, I can barely move a muscle. Am I going to survive this?"
"I don't think that you have to worry about recovery. We had two of our best surgeons on call and they successfully patched you up very quickly, and they expect you to be on your feet in just a couple of months." She tells him as she is holding the cup for him to drink from.
"I was on call when they brought you in, and I don't usually comment on such things, but you are a wild one aren't you?" She says smiling at him.
"I don't know what you mean miss." he says looking at her from his bloodshot eyes.
"Well, as we worked on stitching you up, you were on the operating table for quite a while, and I couldnt help but notice that you had a tattoo on your penis." She said blushing.
He managed a weak smile at her.
"And what did it say?" he asked coyly.
"It said 'Shorty', but it was very courageous of you to endure the pain of having it tattooed there." She said giggling.
"Nurse, get me a gun! Get me a gun I am going to shoot myself!" He screamed at her.
"No, dont worry, the doctors did a very good job. They stitched you up very well, everything will work just as it did before." She consoled him.
"Yes nurse, it might work fine, but it won't be like before..." He sighed falling back into the pillows.
"...I dont understand...." She said.
"Nurse, it used to read: 'Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee', nurse, it read: 'Shortys Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee'..." He said as he fell deeper into the pillows of the bed.
The nurse looked at the man compassionately.
"I'll go get you that gun sir..." She said as she left him.
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