Humor Thread

[TE999]

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All his tests come back normal.

The doctor says "George, everything looks great. How are you doing emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies "God and I are in synch. He knows I have poor eyesight, so when I get up in the night to use the bathroom and I open the door, poof ,the light goes on and when I close it, poof, it goes off. It's a miracle."

"I guess it is", says the astonished doctor.

When George leaves, the doctor calls Georges wife.

"Ethel. George is doing fine, but I had to call about the miracle. Is it true that when he opens the bathroom door the light goes on and when he closes it the light goes off."

"Land sakes," Ethel exclaims, "The old fool's peeing in the refrigerator again."

 

[DG Hear]

Hey DP & TE 999 You two put our thread over the 1000 post mark. Thank you for taking part. Have to thank RedPaint for his many posts also. Let's keep it going people. Thanks again
DG Hear

 

[redpaint]

Hey DP & TE 999 You two put our thread over the 1000 post mark. Thank you for taking part. Have to thank RedPaint for his many posts also. Let's keep it going people. Thanks again
DG Hear

I have to thank you DG you gave me a place to do what I do best and that try and make people laugh. Without you there would have been no Humor thread. So Thank you.

 

[redpaint]

KITTY STUTTER



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.



A little girl raises her hand.. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."



The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.



"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"



"That must've been scary," said the teacher.



"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "Shit," the Rottweiler ate him!



The teacher wet her pants laughing so hard.

 

[redpaint]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

 

[TE999]

A spaceship lands in front of a gas station in the dead of night and two extraterrestrials emerge.

They approach a gas pump and one says,"Take us to your leader Earthling."

No response.

"I said take us to your leader."

No response.

The alien pulls a ray gun.

"Talk to me or I'll blast you to atoms."

"I don't think you should do that..." the second one begins.

Too late, the first one fires, the gas fumes ignite and the beings are blown fifty feet away into a clump of bushes.

They lie stunned for a moment and then the second one says, "I told you not to do that. Any being who can stick his dick in his ear is no one you want to get pissed off at you,"

 

[DG Hear]

Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,... No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, . 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, ....... 'Screw the Preacher!'

Isn't senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

[DG Hear]

Answering machine at Mental Hospital

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

[DesertPirate]

Somewhat dated but with the release of Vista, still very true.

An old joke thats been revised.

If operating systems ran airlines:

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they
come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane
together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they
are suposed to be building.

Mac Airlines: All the airline personnel look and act exactly the same.
Every time you ask questions about details you are gently but firmly told
that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be
done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows XP Air: The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,
easy baggage check and boarding and a smooth take off. After about 10
minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows Vista Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, and uses much
bigger planes, and takes out all other planes in a 40 mile radius when it
explodes.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all other OS Airlines, (with UNIX
geeks who finally figured out what kind of plane they were suposed to be
building) decide to start their own airline. They build the planes,
ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee
to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download the
ticket and print it yourself. When you board the plane you are given a
seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once
settled, the fully adjusable seat is very comfotable, the plane leaves
and arrives on time without problems, and the in-flight meal is
wonderful. You try to tell the customers of the other airlines about the
great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to what with the seat?"



with apologies to Doc Searls and Linux Journal.

 

[DG Hear]

Halloween Moods

It might take a little bit of thought to figure this one out.
DG


A couple decided to have a "theme" Halloween party. Everybody was supposed to dress up as a "mood" and whoever had the best costume would win the grand prize.

So Halloween night arrived and the party was in full swing. The doorbell rings and the wife answers the door to a woman all dressed in red. "Oh, I know what you're supposed to represent, you're anger, right?"

Sure enough she was right.

A short while later the doorbell rang again and this time the husband answered the door. There stood another woman all dressed in blue. "Okay, I'll bet you represent depression."

And of course he was right on.

Before he could close the door another couple walked up all dressed in yellow. The husband joked, "I know, you're cowardly, right?" And he was.

Then a few minutes later the bell rang and the wife answered the door. After a minute she called out to her husband who came to the front door. What he saw shocked him. There stood a big brawny black man completely naked with a huge erection. And hanging from his 12" monster was an old used car tire.

The husband looks at his blushing wife and then back at the black man. "Buddy, for the life of me I can't guess what you're supposed to be."

The black man looks back at the couple and says, "I'm fucking despair, man!"

 

[redpaint]

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork.

An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.

Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

 

[DG Hear]

How smart are you? Can you figure this one out….?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too.
Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."
Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog which jumps into the water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
?
?
?


" 7 UP "

 

[TE999]

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all Jews had to convert to Catholocisim or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry in the Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the Chief Rabbi and if he won, the Jews could stay; if the Pope won. the Jews would convert or leave.

Since the Pope spoke no Yiddish, and the Chief Rabbi no Italian, they agreed to have a silent debate using gestures.

On the chosen day, the two men sat opposite each other in the Vatican.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three finges.

The Rabbi raised one finger.

The Pope made a circle around his head with his finger.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground.

The Pope held up a communion wafer and wine.

The Rabbi took an apple from his pocket.

The Pope stood and declared the Rabbi the winner; the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope to discuss the debate.

The Pope said "I held up three fingers representing the Holy Trinity, the Rabbi held up one finger telling me that there isone God common to both our beliefs."

"Then I waved my finger around my head indicating God was everywhere, the Rabbi pointed to the ground to show God is with us too."

"I showed him the wine and the wafer to show God absolves us of our sins, the Rabbi showed an apple to remind me of original sin. He bested me at every move and he won."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community asked the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" he replied.

"First he told me we had 3 days to leave Italy, so I gave him the finger."

"Then he indicated the country would be cleared of Jews and I indicated we're staying right here."

"Then what happened?" A woman asked.

"Who knows? He took out his lunch, I took out mine and like that the debate's over."

 

[DG Hear]

The Word FUCK!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful word in the English
language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

Fuck can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Christine) and
intransitive (Christine was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Christine really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Christine is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Christine is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Christine is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Christine). It can even be used as a conjunction (Christine is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Surprise "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck...?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we?"
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Awe "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Clinton!"

 

[DG Hear]

Continuing with FUCK!

The word FUCK has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" -Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from? -General Custer

"That's not a real fucking gun." -John Lennon

"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" -Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll." -Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive."
-Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"What fucking map?" -Ulysses

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" -Captain of the Titanic

"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -Albert Einstein

"That's one big motherfucker!" -David

"It does so fucking look like her!" -Picasso

"Okay, I know...we build this BIG fucking wall..."
-Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty

"I can't believe I just fucking said that." -Patrick Henry

"How the fuck did you work that out?" -Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -Michelangelo

"Fuck a duck." -Walt Disney

"Where the fuck is McDonalds?" -Billy Clinton

"Why?- Because its fucking there!" -Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass." -Noah

"Who left the fucking gate open?!" -David Koresh

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." -John F. Kennedy

"Who the fuck are those guys?" -Sundance

"Where the fuck are the Browns?" -Cleveland

Hope you enjoyed the History and english lesson,
DG

 

[redpaint]

Pants vs Panties

> Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat
> him down for a > little chat.

> He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my
> wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said,
> 'Here - try these > on.

> She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear
> them. I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
> and I always will.> Ever since that night> we have never had any problems.
>
> Hmmm,said Mike. He thought that might be a good
> thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to
> Karen, 'Here - try these on.> She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They
> don't fit me.> Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
> and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.

> Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.
> She said 'Here- you try on mine.'He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your
> smart-ass attitude, you never will..!

 

[redpaint]

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE



There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?????...........................



OH, Come on...take a guess!


Think about it...


(You're going to love this!)


And the moral is.... (keep reading down... )













You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

 

[redpaint]

Something to stretch your mind...

.

The Banana Test!

.

.

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win.

Your answer will reflect your personality.

Think carefully . . .. and try and answer within 30 seconds.

.

.

Got your answer?



..

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

If your answer is:

.

.

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

.

.

.

If you guessed any of the above, you're obviously just too stressed out and overworked.

You should take some time off and relax!

Then try again next year.

 

[redpaint]

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.
"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know...".

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, he body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whisky bottle in each back pocket broke, making the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his ass cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quickly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them, as best he could, on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and suffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Ole woke up with a searing pain in both his head and his ass and Lena staring at him from across the room.

"You were drunk again last night, weren't you Ole?" she said.

Ole responded, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing throughout the house or it could be your bloodshot eyes.

"But mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hallway mirror."

 

[DG Hear]

A cat named Lucky

A CAT NAMED LUCKY!

When I saw the title of this email, I thought this was going to be a heart wrenching story about a poor little cat that got tossed out along the highway and run over by a truck, then had gotten mauled by a vicious dog and bitten by a snake and had to spend the next six months walking the 100 miles after swimming across rivers and streams to finally make it back to it's home to make some poor little grief stricken, sick kid happy once more...but I was wrong *
*
*
*
*
*

 

[fieryjen]

Fuck can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Christine) and
intransitive (Christine was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Christine really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Christine is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Christine is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Christine is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Christine). It can even be used as a conjunction (Christine is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Is it bad that I sat there just picking this paragraph apart and wanting to point out the grammatical faults it's got?

 

[TE999]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?"

"You're always welcome Tim, but where's my husband?"

"There was an accident at the Guinness brewery, Brenda. I'm sorry lass, but Shamus is dead."

"Sweet Jesus! How did it happen Tim."

"He fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."

"Oh my Lord! Did he go quickly Tim?"

"Well...no, he didn't...In fact he got out four times to pee."

 

[TE999]

Brandon Dugan is swerving his car all over the road and a cop pulls him over.

"Had a bit to much to drink tonight?"

"Well, maybe a little. But I'm perfectly fine."

"No you're not. Did you know your wife fell out a mile back?"

"Oh thank the Lord, for a minute there I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[TE999]

Mary Clancy dashes into the Rectory to Father Dugan's office.

"Oh Father, it's horrible, my Liam's dead."

"How horrible Mary. When did this happen?"

"Just this morning."

"Did he have any last words my child."

"Yes Father. He said 'Mary, put down that gun'."