Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Is it bad that I sat there just picking this paragraph apart and wanting to point out the grammatical faults it's got?

Thank you, I think. I just post them usually the way I get them. All I know is that after reading that, I want to meet Christine.

 

[TE999]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down and says nothing.

The priest hears him enter and waits to hear a confession.

After a minute of silence, the priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally the priest knocks on the wall.

"Ain't no use knockin',"mumbles the drunk,"There's no paper on this side either."

 

[kimbalee]

hahahah! nice! that's just terrible, Tom. lol

 

[impressive]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down and says nothing.

The priest hears him enter and waits to hear a confession.

After a minute of silence, the priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally the priest knocks on the wall.

"Ain't no use knockin',"mumbles the drunk,"There's no paper on this side either."

. .

 

[TE999]

An elderly lady is sitting on a park bench when an elderly man walks up and sits on the end of the bench.

"Are you new in town?" she asks.

"I lived here years ago."

"So where have you been?"

"In prison."

"In prison? Whatever for?"

"I killed my wife."

"Oh, so you're single.."

 

[TE999]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch at the retirement home.

"Do you ever get horny, Martha?" says one.

"Yes Gladys, I do."

"What do you do about it?"

"I suck a lifesaver."

"Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[kimbalee]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch at the retirement home.

"Do you ever get horny, Martha?" says one.

"Yes Gladys, I do."

"What do you do about it?"

"I suck a lifesaver."

"Who drives you to the beach?"

hahahah... Tom, did you teach them that trick... we know you hang out at the beach every day...

 

[TE999]

hahahah... Tom, did you teach them that trick... we know you hang out at the beach every day...

Wearing a muscle shirt, baggies, hurache's, shades and a tan. The sweet old things don't know the difference.

 

[redpaint]

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?"

"I jumped in that creek down the road."

"Why did you do that?"

"I dunno."

His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan your hide - just because! Is that clear?"

"Yes dad," the boy replies.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?"

"Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"

His dad, being a religious man, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him - "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'."

"Ok dad," replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and... well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!"

"I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"

 

[TE999]

An elderly man was boasting to a friend about his new hearing aid.

"This is state of the art. Fully digital. Cost me four grand, but worth every penny."

"Really? What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

 

[TE999]

An elderly man went to his doctor for a physical. The next day the doctor meets him walking down the sidewalk holding hands with a beautiful blonde.

"You're really doing great aren't you Sam?"

"You bet Doc, I doin' just what you told me. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

"Sam, I said you have a heart murmur, be careful."

 

[TE999]

An elderly man shuffles into an ice cream parlor, pulls himself slowly and painfully onto a stool then orders a banana split.

"Crushed nuts?" asks the waitress.

"Nah. Hemorrhoids."

 

[DG Hear]

Drive through Cash Machines

Please note that banks are now installing drive through cash machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility easily, the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please remember the procedure applies to you when you use the machines for the first time.

Male Procedure

* Drive up to the cash machine.
* Wind down the window.
* Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.
* Enter the amount of cash required.
* Wind up window.
* Drive off.

Female Procedure

* Drive up to the cash machine.
* Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.
* Restart the stalled engine.
* Wind down the window.
* Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* Turn down radio.
* Attempt to insert card into machine.
* Open door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from car.
* Insert card.
* Re- insert card the right way up.
* Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on back page.
* Enter pin.
* Press cancel and enter correct PIN.
* Enter correct amount of cash required.
* Check make up in rear mirror.
* Retrieve cash and receipt.
* Empty handbag again to find purse to place cash in.
* Place receipt in back of chequebook.
* Re-check make up again.
* Drive forward two metres.
* Reverse back to machine.
* Retrieve card.
* Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card in slot provided.
* Restart stalled engine and drive off.
* Drive for two or three miles.
* Release hand brake.

 

[redpaint]

 

[redpaint]

 

[redpaint]

 

[redpaint]

Oh that is so worng.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

A woman's dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

 

[fieryjen]

Nero... it's scary how true some of these are

Let's see... Arguments... Barbeque... Grocery List... Hair Dresser... Waterproof Mascara...

These are 100% spot on for my life.

 

[DesertPirate]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) Ho w long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after

what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial

airplane?



Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.



ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Year s War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) Whats a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? <BNew Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)


What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

 

[fieryjen]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) Ho w long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after

what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial

airplane?



Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.



ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Year s War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) Whats a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? <BNew Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)


What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

I actually passed this, but only because I'd seen a quiz like it before so I knew there was a twist. Only barely, too. I knew about the 100 years war, the black box, the october revolution and the cat gut. The others I had no idea.

 

[DesertPirate]

I actually passed this, but only because I'd seen a quiz like it before so I knew there was a twist. Only barely, too. I knew about the 100 years war, the black box, the october revolution and the cat gut. The others I had no idea.

I got the same ones.
The only other one I knew was George VI's name. I don't have a clue where or when I learned that bit of trivia?

 

[fieryjen]

I got the same ones.
The only other one I knew was George VI's name. I don't have a clue where or when I learned that bit of trivia?

I definitely didn't know this one. And I feel like I should have known the Panama hats one - I was aware they weren't made in Panama, anyway - but I couldn't think of which country it was.

 

[DG Hear]

Beer Drinkers!

A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer". Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. "
--Mellanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
--Shirley, 7 years ol d

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old

 

[DG Hear]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.