Humiliation, degradation and all that hurts

[cookiecat]

Personally, I don't think I could do this with someone I didn't know well and really care for. A lot.

It feels cathartic rather than destructive. It's taking control of someone's demons, and not just acknowledging that it's okay to have those demons, but being trusted to bend them to your will so they give your partner pleasure rather than fear or pain. Which is, actually, a rather wonderful and positive thing to do.

But it's also all too possible to reinforce those demons if you get it wrong. Maybe others have found safer ways of doing this with relative strangers. I wouldn't make that claim.

1000% the cathartic part. Being told it's ok to embrace the dirty slut. Letting go. It's freeing. It's like I have these horrible secrets I hold tight. They weigh me down.

I talked to the guy I'm dating about this question. We're fairly new, so we haven't done anything really deep or intense but we both keep moving toward more degradation.

I asked him why he wants to make me feel shameful. See me do degrading things. Call me names.

He said, "no baby! I never want you to feel ashamed!" He wants me to love being degraded. Revel in the dark, dirty stuff and ask him for more. He believes this will bring us deeper intimacy. Open us up to each other. He thinks by degrading me, I will be more vulnerable to him.

I'm curious where we're headed

 

[SmokeInMyEyes]

1000% the cathartic part. Being told it's ok to embrace the dirty slut. Letting go. It's freeing. It's like I have these horrible secrets I hold tight. They weigh me down.

I talked to the guy I'm dating about this question. We're fairly new, so we haven't done anything really deep or intense but we both keep moving toward more degradation.

I asked him why he wants to make me feel shameful. See me do degrading things. Call me names.

He said, "no baby! I never want you to feel ashamed!" He wants me to love being degraded. Revel in the dark, dirty stuff and ask him for more. He believes this will bring us deeper intimacy. Open us up to each other. He thinks by degrading me, I will be more vulnerable to him.

I'm curious where we're headed

Well, I'd certainly be open to at least looking at the map . . .

Having forced myself to read yesterday's ramble makes me wonder if I spend entirely too much time analyzing and overthinking everything my wife and I have been doing between the sheets over the years. Maybe instead I should stop with the pop psychology and just get back to enjoying it for what it really is in its simplest form - exciting, mind-blowing, spine-tingling SEX!

Maybe the curse of age is that nagging need to justify your actions, and that goes double for the aging male who feels he now has to mansplain everything to death the way my wife says I do. I'm definitely the wrong person to even offer advice unless I'm the poster child for how not to do things, but it occurs to me that things in the bedroom should just flow organically . . .

If what you're being asked to do seems forced in any way to you, well . . . it probably is! But if it gives you that little tingle . . . oh my!

 

[IrisAlthea]

This is a topic I've rambled so much about on Lit that I don't think I have much new to add here. Nice to see this discussed!



This is a good point.

In a way I think it's a lot easier to go too far and have things explode in your face in a very bad way with someone you don't know that well, but at the same time it hasn't been my experience. When I've played with these themes with someone with whom my bond hasn't been quite as strong, the humiliation and degradation has felt a lot more superficial and a lot more...lacking. The juxtaposition of knowing the other person actually cares and yet is this really mean person that hurts me emotionally makes it more satisfying for me, as well.

Doing degradation/humiliation with a bit more casual partner opens some other possibilities and it feels edgier than in a more established dynamic, though. It can be really good, but it's good in a way that a fancy cupcake you buy at a bakery is good. Doing it with an established partner with the underlying caring and deep bond is good in the way that a tasty, lovingly home cooked meal is good, it feeds your soul.

Even if some of the things you do in a more casual relationship seem edgier, I think it’s easy to feel that you are risking much more when doing objectively tamer things in a relationship that is really imortant to you.

Amy, I'm glad you brought this back. I have lots of thoughts that will probably come in fits and starts but we did an episode on this very topic on Audiophiles! I was asked to remove it but it was really good and thorough. It definitely broadened my thoughts on the matter.

Firstly, these both fall under thr emotional sadism/masochism umbrella which we've all dipped our tow into whether we know it or not. Things as simple as sweetly teasing someone or telling an embarrassing story can be the most vanilla forms of this play.

Secondly, this kind of play is possible with a stranger but not nearly as effective (speaking from the receiving end). Having someone crawl around in your brain and find those dark, secret places and then gently (or not so gently) poke and pry and bring those into the light ... it's powerful. But it takes work.

Lastly, I think this is my oldest form of kink. For the longest time, calling myself the dirtiest most degrading things in my head was the only way young PLP knew how to get off and it must have carved a neuro pathway in my brain.

I'd like to know how everyone's play manifests. What does it look like for you?

I’v been thinking about the sadism/masochism part of this, since I first saw the thread.
It seems to me like there is more of a stigma around emotional masochism and perhaps sadism too. I get the feeling that this kind of topic makes people way more uncomfortable and that there is an unwillingness to label it as s/m.

Well, I'd certainly be open to at least looking at the map . . .

Having forced myself to read yesterday's ramble makes me wonder if I spend entirely too much time analyzing and overthinking everything my wife and I have been doing between the sheets over the years. Maybe instead I should stop with the pop psychology and just get back to enjoying it for what it really is in its simplest form - exciting, mind-blowing, spine-tingling SEX!

Maybe the curse of age is that nagging need to justify your actions, and that goes double for the aging male who feels he now has to mansplain everything to death the way my wife says I do. I'm definitely the wrong person to even offer advice unless I'm the poster child for how not to do things, but it occurs to me that things in the bedroom should just flow organically . . .

If what you're being asked to do seems forced in any way to you, well . . . it probably is! But if it gives you that little tingle . . . oh my!

To me, the need to search for reasons behind kinks etc hav been partly intellectual curiosity but also very much about ”explaining them away” or making them seem less… questionable, if that makes sense?
I actually feel that with age, I’m more ok with things fitting with my own moral standards and less interested in makingthem seem reasonable, logical, healthy etc. Don’t know if I’m very clear here? Been trying to put words to it for a while now.

 

[seela]

Even if some of the things you do in a more casual relationship seem edgier, I think it’s easy to feel that you are risking much more when doing objectively tamer things in a relationship that is really imortant to you.

Yes.

I’v been thinking about the sadism/masochism part of this, since I first saw the thread.
It seems to me like there is more of a stigma around emotional masochism and perhaps sadism too. I get the feeling that this kind of topic makes people way more uncomfortable and that there is an unwillingness to label it as s/m.

Yes.

To me, the need to search for reasons behind kinks etc hav been partly intellectual curiosity but also very much about ”explaining them away” or making them seem less… questionable, if that makes sense?
I actually feel that with age, I’m more ok with things fitting with my own moral standards and less interested in makingthem seem reasonable, logical, healthy etc. Don’t know if I’m very clear here? Been trying to put words to it for a while now.

Yes.

 

[BadAmy]

So hi! Been a while I appreciate all your comments, thank you for keeping the discussion going!
I still have these ideas clanging around in my head, today in particular.
I really love the psychological aspect of being made to endure something. Whether the pain is physical or mental.
But what's more is knowing that my suffering is being exploited and enjoyed by the one causing it. That is the erotic component for me. I really love sadists.
I don't think, oh I'll experience this for his pleasure because when it's over, he'll comfort me. I'm not aiming for that comfort.
What I aim for it to be fully in the moment of pain and suffering, but in a controlled environment.
I can think of no other emotional response that can keep me so present in the moment, than pain. Even though it is exhausting, my mind cannot focus on anything else, and that is comforting to me.
Know what I mean?
It kind of overwhelms me to think, I'm suffering for his pleasure, because he gets off on it and he wants me to suffer, and that turns me on...and is so fulfilling because he cares enough to put me through theses things, because he knows I love it, because he loves it...and...ahhhh! My head!
Ok. Thanks for reading

 

[dirtyfuncpl]

I have found a good deal of women do, in fact, get off on both humiliation AND degradation. Be it verbal, physical, or both. My wife loves it and I do not cause any pain, and always keep it safe. She is insatiable though.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

What does this mean?

In my case it meant (when I was allowed to touch her) that she did not want me touching her but she would allow it because she then thought it was her duty. She was performing a duty to me her husband but with men she was having sex and making love and she was having fun.

 

[ritame25]

Howdy! It's me, again. with a thought provoking thread. I don't know if it has been explored here, but perhaps it would be a nice addition.

What makes this such a yummy thing for you?
Humiliation &
Degradation


Fara and I were discussing it previously, and she feels this is definitely a BDSM thing, but could it exist outside that dynamic?
Is it more than just a fetish? is it even a fetish?

I love both, personally. Being made to endure things. How far can it be taken with me, would I crack? I like the challenge of seeing just how mean and cruel he can be with me. (he's a sweety, tho)
of course it must be consensual. That's a given.


what say you?

I am very aroused when my dom spanks me in front of others. I know somewhere during the punishment I will be moving all over the bench and it's impossible to keep my legs close together. Everything is exposed. After a good whooping, I am made to stand in the corner wirh my red bottom displayed for all to see. It's humiliation for sure but I can't do without it.

 

[sterculius]

Humiliation as a result of being 'outed" as a "Cocksucker" has always been a vivid source of arousal for me. It began when my best friend Larry would tease me by threatening to tell all our friends I was his personal cocksucker so that I would be required to service them also. I would beg him not to tell them, but I used to routinely jerk off to the fantasy of being on my knees at the head of a line of our friends, sucking cock after cock as they all stood on line, stroking their cocks and laughing at me while waiting to take their turn fucking my throat. He never did tell them, but I often wish he had.

 

[southernf]

This is an interesting topic for sure. I came from a really conservative background growing up and honestly a lot of things that people think are really basic about sex felt shameful to me for a while...but the conflicting thing is that I enjoyed them at the same time. The "shame" aspect made it feel forbidden and naughty. Maybe other people feel turned on by it for the same reason. I don't know. There is definitely this basic shame element with sex even if it's all in your head. I also consider myself to be submissive but I never really connected the shame part of it to that or thought about it in terms of "bdsm." It is just how sex felt.

 

[Subsy]

When I was young , girlish and on my own…..I was proud to be wanted, owned and paid attention to. Spankings, collars, receiving admonition in public or private made me feel wanted. I could pass as a girl on hrt……loved it when my breasts got someone’s attention.

 

[Howardstark1910]

This is an interesting topic for sure. I came from a really conservative background growing up and honestly a lot of things that people think are really basic about sex felt shameful to me for a while...but the conflicting thing is that I enjoyed them at the same time. The "shame" aspect made it feel forbidden and naughty. Maybe other people feel turned on by it for the same reason. I don't know. There is definitely this basic shame element with sex even if it's all in your head. I also consider myself to be submissive but I never really connected the shame part of it to that or thought about it in terms of "bdsm." It is just how sex felt.

Taboo things are definitely shame centered. I love them

 

[AnnieLit]

Humiliation & Degradation...

I love it only as far as it pleases Him, as it does not affect me directly.

My problem with the whole concept is that I don't believe in it. I mean, if we got far enough for this to happen, it means that he at least somewhat cares about me. If he does, he can't possibly want to neither humiliate, nor degrade me, which means that all of this is a pretend play. And if it is a play, sure, I can play along, but this does not mean that I believe a word he is saying. Because if by any chance I were to believe that he really means it, then what the hell am I doing there?

Just in case: objectification to me is neither humiliating, nor degrading. I treat it as a sign of ownership, and that is the highest possible turn on for me.

 

[littlepinkpeepee]

For quite some time I've had fantasies along the lines of being a little boy getting bullied/hazed for having a limp little penis and for wearing girls undergarments under my boy clothes.
Recently though, I find my panties getting a wet spot thinking about Muslim or darker skinned folks humiliating me for being a fat white male with a tiny pale pecker in granny panties.

I'm not exactly sure why this is, other than being a bit of a weirdo, as they used to say...

 

[wallstreetguy]

I do not like humiliating or degrading a sub only because I found that I was really good at it. I did not realize I had that side of me. I did not want to think of myself as a bad guy. So, I called a halt. Prefer control and discipline or anything vicious.

 

[southernf]

Humiliation & Degradation...

I love it only as far as it pleases Him, as it does not affect me directly.

My problem with the whole concept is that I don't believe in it. I mean, if we got far enough for this to happen, it means that he at least somewhat cares about me. If he does, he can't possibly want to neither humiliate, nor degrade me, which means that all of this is a pretend play. And if it is a play, sure, I can play along, but this does not mean that I believe a word he is saying. Because if by any chance I were to believe that he really means it, then what the hell am I doing there?

Just in case: objectification to me is neither humiliating, nor degrading. I treat it as a sign of ownership, and that is the highest possible turn on for me.

Objectification is tricky. In a lot of non-sexual situations I see it as demeaning. But in the middle of a private sexual experience it is an almost surreal turn on to feel objectified and wanted physically by someone that you are also attracted to.

 

[AnnieLit]

Objectification is tricky. In a lot of non-sexual situations I see it as demeaning. But in the middle of a private sexual experience it is an almost surreal turn on to feel objectified and wanted physically by someone that you are also attracted to.

Non-sexual situations... I guess I have never been with someone who can do it and truly mean it in a non-sexual way. Because everything that comes to my mind went very quickly from non-sexual to highly charged sexual, though perhaps still public.

 

[1Humiliator]

My version of humiliation is more erotic and teasing than insulting or degrading. I like helplessness, vulnerability, exposure and nudity as a form of discipline. I love erotic control in combination with sweet shame and embarrassment for release, For some… it’s feeling small and dependent, like they're desperate for me and letting me open them up to anything I want of their body. Letting me use them and humiliate them then put them back together and love them after. it is degrading and so intimate at the same time. I do it in a sexual and non-sexual both, depending on the partner, situation and agreement.

Physical punishments:

-- Rectal temperature taking
-- Butt plugs and ass/anal control
-- Figging, enema and anal punishment
-- Spanking (hand, cane, paddle, belt, strap, flogger)
-- Embarrassing physical exams, breast, vagina and rectal exams

--------------------------------------------------------------

Non-physical (embarrassing) punishments:

-- Naked exercise for weight loss -- Orgasm denial and control
-- Requirement to ask permission to use bathroom and go/wipe under
complete supervision and control
-- Being made to bend over for random intimate inspections (hygiene
control including panties, genital part and anus to ensure proper
wiping and cleanliness).
-----------------------------------------------------------

 

[1Humiliator]

Humiliation, embarrassment or as I call it sensual pleasure. I love erotic control in combination with sweet shame and embarrassment for release, For some… it’s feeling small and dependent, like they're desperate for me and letting me open them up to anything I want of their body. Letting me use them and humiliate them in a consensual way, then put them back together and love them after. It is degrading, but so intimate and bonding at the same time.

 

[1Humiliator]

A good article explaining the psychology behind humiliations and embarrassment:
https://spankingrx.blogspot.com/2022/03/erotic-humiliation-when-shame-turns.html

 

[ScarletsUniversityLife]

Being humiliated and degraded turns me on so much the taboo nature of it, the control it gives you over me, how it makes me feel if you do it to me in front of your friends or worse… my friends. however you like to do it, message me and tell me x

 

[staciliv]

Howdy! It's me, again. with a thought provoking thread. I don't know if it has been explored here, but perhaps it would be a nice addition.

What makes this such a yummy thing for you?
Humiliation &
Degradation


Fara and I were discussing it previously, and she feels this is definitely a BDSM thing, but could it exist outside that dynamic?
Is it more than just a fetish? is it even a fetish?

I love both, personally. Being made to endure things. How far can it be taken with me, would I crack? I like the challenge of seeing just how mean and cruel he can be with me. (he's a sweety, tho)
of course it must be consensual. That's a given.


what say you?

I can only speak for myself but when a man puts me in my place, talks down to me, makes it plain that he only values me for my body my first reaction is anger - but that anger is soon replaced by the hot sweet burn of humiliation. When this happens I will literally do anything - ANYTHING - he demands. I may hate myself afterward and even during but I cannot deny that it makes me all hot just thinking about it!

 

[Dearelliot]

But for me, its being sexually humiliated.

I enjoy being Humiliated by a Dominatrix, because I like the feeling of being sexually submissive to a woman.
Ex: I wouldn't want to be or tolerate being humiliated by a woman in a non sexual role.


When she physically abuses me, I dont think it's the pain I enjoy but rather I enjoy the position I'm in where she has the power in a sexual role to hurt me and I cant do anything about it. Example: I wouldn't tolerate that treatment from a woman on the street, or a man. Having a Dominant woman holding my genitals in her hand and asking me if they are hers and does she have the right to hurt them and I say Yes! That humiliation is sexually exciting, more so than the act of her hurting me.

I think of myself as a sexual submissive to dominant women only.

I whenever possible (Depending on the type of bar I am in), will ask the lady if I can buy a glass of her pee, and I enjoy the humiliation of drinking her pee while she watches me, I wouldn't go to a store and buy a small bottle of lady's pee, it's not urine that I want.

A Dominant lady or one playing the role of being Dominant being there, is the key for me to enjoy. It doesn't work with many women including my wife because she can't be a dominant woman.

 

[Gln1517]

I know that different people have different views of humiliation. I’m not at all into degradation. I dont enjoy or seek to be dehumanized. From my own experience, I never felt humiliated if I was naked in front of my Mistress or a small group of women. But the moment I was naked in a small group of dressed people, both men and women, I felt humiliated. What made the humiliation even more so was being told to orally service one of the males. When he pulled out and ordered me to put my head down and ass up I was actually trembling. But the ultimate humiliation, for me, was feeling his fingers push lube into my ass. I knew what was going to happen and it did. I think he understood what I was feeling because once in me, he held still and I had to move back and forth until he came.

 

[Subsy]

I have an young (legal age) acquaintance….not a close personal friend who desires public acting out of degradation….he talks with eagerness of explicit, wicked debasement. He has told me several aspects of his desires….just raunchy porn scenes really, not of particular interest to myself.
He is aware of my general background and confides, asks for my thoughts and wants my participation. I see several levels of of revelation for him to become the her of its’ fantasies.
The first task I have given her is just that: to immediately become her. It is so obvious to me…..but seemed to be a surprise to her. She is to shed all facial hair (not a masculine person to begin with and the little stash looked weak anyway). Included in first instruction is to make an appointment at a nice salon for a pixie cut. She must show the stylist a pic of a cute girl w a pixie.
This isn’t the wild scene she imagined but claiming my own femininity was/is my strongest instinct. One way or another she has an opportunity to discover herself in depth.
My initial reluctance reflected the gawdy nature of her imagination. But this more sensual path is fun to orchestrate.