How to not be so jaded about sex

[Bighammerfucker]

I used to be a very sex-positive person. I actually used to be a very sexually active person, even … for many years I had a great sex life and attitude.

However, even back then, I had my own share of insecurities. Actually maybe a lot. Enough that I really let it get to my head sometimes. It was usually about ability to reach orgasm with a partner (or lack thereof - I’m female).

Male partners have never felt like my cup of tea. But I let pressures, insecurities, and the words of others get to me over the years, and I ended up leading a life for a while where I desperately searched for a man who could “please” me properly, regardless of the fact I’ve never been attracted to them much.

One day it happened. One day I entered a relationship with a male in which we had very satisfying sex repeatedly. We then also entered an exclusive relationship.

Time wore on. The good sex started to get … not less good, but it took so much effort to keep up. I didn’t feel like it was natural for me, to do it so much, even if it was good. I felt tired. I knew it wasn’t because of what we were doing. We were kinky. But I felt like I was somehow locking my true self away, ignoring her. I ignored this and continued the relationship.

It got worse. I got to the point where I started to lose myself entirely. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for my partner. But I felt I had cut off the most important parts of who I was in order to try to be fully functioning at something that just … wasn’t me. I began to resent them. I began to resent myself. I started to get very angry at the world. I hated the way I felt like society had tricked me, finally tricked me into betting everything in order to play this game that they said was so great, only for me to find out that my life was so much more quality before it. I had lost who I was because of making these mistakes of listening to others, and I didn’t know if I could get myself back. On top of it, the messages out there, everywhere, including all over places like this forum still weren’t things I identified with. Everything felt wrong. It felt constantly like everyone’s playing this game I don’t understand, and now my experiences have made me very jaded.

I have since mostly rebuilt myself and my past life, but it was a very close call. I still feel jaded. I still feel angry sometimes. I am wondering how can I ever fully get rid of this jadedness when it comes to sex. I scoff now at things I used to feel positive or at least empathetic about. I no longer see even searching for a female partner like I used to (as I find them more attractive) as a desirable activity. I feel so jaded from constant experience of the same thing repeated again and again. The pictures on these forums are all the same. The threads are all the same. Discussions, “fetishes”. Even the fetishes are not really fetishes. It makes me feel lesser of everyone somehow, like, how can you all sit here and not feel bored, why would you want to repeat the same activity so much, so often, so specifically?

It makes me feel like I have become a bad person. Unempathetic and jaded. I know I’m not a bad person and it’s not on purpose. But I don’t know how after my experiences and self-discovery as a person who is simply so different how I can return to the innocently happy and positive person I once was on the subject of sex.

 

[KatieDoes]

Do you WANT to have sex?

You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. If you don’t enjoy it, and if brings you more stress than pleasure, there is no requirement that you participate in it at all.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

Do you WANT to have sex?

You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. If you don’t enjoy it, and if brings you more stress than pleasure, there is no requirement that you participate in it at all.

No, and I’m absolutely fine with that. I’m finally listening to myself and not seeking a relationship.

But I don’t think that’s license to be as jaded as I feel, which is to the point where it gets hard not to look down on others for their desires, especially when they’re heterosexual. That’s not the person I want to be. And I do want to be someone potentially open to meeting the right woman. I feel jaded by constantly encountering the same issues, the same personalities, the same sexual orientations, again and again. Maybe that is a lack of positive thinking. But I really feel that positivity on that subject has been drained out of me, if not wrestled rigorously by continuous disappointing and even bad experiences. Like I said. I used to be a lot more positive.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I am not - not - a clinician, but it sounds to me like you might be suffering from depression. YMMV, but were it me, I'd have a talk with my doctor or a psychologist. Depression is a medical condition, as real as and no more shameful than cholera or a broken leg. It can be treated.

Good luck, truly.

 

[KatieDoes]

Well, a lot of people ain’t shit. So I don’t know if recognizing that makes you jaded.

However, you aren’t happy with how you feel, so that’s something worth addressing.

I suspect you’ll get a bunch of advice here, telling you how to feel and what to do, and that if you just got fucked with a big enough dick, it would cure all of your problems. But I’d recommend scheduling a few sessions with a licensed therapist. Unbiased, professional perspective can be invaluable.

There‘s a lot going on in the world lately that could exacerbate feeling hopeless and jaded. We can’t change that, but we can learn healthier ways to cope with it and find peace with ourselves.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

I am not - not - a clinician, but it sounds to me like you might be suffering from depression. YMMV, but were it me, I'd have a talk with my doctor or a psychologist. Depression is a medical condition, as real as and no more shameful than cholera or a broken leg. It can be treated.

Good luck, truly.

Why, though?

Like I don’t really see how what I’ve said here means I’m depressed. I said I’m jaded. But as said (and implied by the usage of the term), that’s been caused by the situations I’ve been in.

I don’t feel emotionally sad or empty in general, but I do feel repulsed by the situations I’ve gone through, and I feel repulsed by the ideas of repeating them. Enough that thinking of a man’s cock has now made me gag (not in a good way).

I feel like that might be a preference, not depression. But I’m posting this because I don’t want my preference to start to make me view people in a negative way, which I think it’s began to.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

Well, a lot of people ain’t shit. So I don’t know if recognizing that makes you jaded.

However, you aren’t happy with how you feel, so that’s something worth addressing.

I suspect you’ll get a bunch of advice here, telling you how to feel and what to do, and that if you just got fucked with a big enough dick, it would cure all of your problems. But I’d recommend scheduling a few sessions with a licensed therapist. Unbiased, professional perspective can be invaluable.

There‘s a lot going on in the world lately that could exacerbate feeling hopeless and jaded. We can’t change that, but we can learn healthier ways to cope with it and find peace with ourselves.

Yeah! Like I agree with what you said that for sure in some ways it could be just from being more … aware of who’s being a dick, and who’s not. I just wish that that realization didn’t come with a loss of … positivity, and happy innocence.

Haha! The big dick part is funny considering that exact constant attitude by straight guys is pretty much what led to all of this in the first place. It was a journey of me finding out to the extreme degree how wrong that advice was … again unfortunately at the cost of a lot of positivity and happy innocence.

I’ve talked to some, but they didn’t really say too much besides like I mentioned about positivity. I do wonder though, why the thought of cock makes me feel nauseous now, whereas it didn’t before this experience.

Like I said I feel truly lucky to have been able to rediscover myself and heal. I’m really doing good right now, besides noticing my reaction to straight guys is wholly more gut-wrenchingly NOPE, and my hopefulness of someday finding a likeminded gay woman who desires to be sensual AND just best friends and not exclusively a girlfriend is … not in the greatest shape

I guess I could have just said in this thread “how do you be more positive” but maybe the fact that I now realize that means I’m getting somewhere, I don’t know.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Nothing you have said makes me view you in a negative way. It sounds like you're had a tough time of it. Sympathies, truly.

The medical condition known as 'depression' includes far more than just melancholy feelings. Like I said, I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but I know a bit about the problem firsthand. One of the problems with the condition is that nobody wants to admit to the possibility of it being their problem; it's the poster-child for 'big boys don't cry'. Men and women are expected (well, often as not, expect themselves) to be able to simply cheer up and stop being wusses. That's often unreasonable and futile.

Nor am I saying that it's your problem. How can I? I don't know the details and I don't have the right postnomials. What I'm saying, based on what I'm seeing, is that it's a possibility.

It's your call, your life and I wish you happiness, whatever choices you make.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

Nothing you have said makes me view you in a negative way. It sounds like you're had a tough time of it. Sympathies, truly.

The medical condition known as 'depression' includes far more than just melancholy feelings. Like I said, I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but I know a bit about the problem firsthand. One of the problems with the condition is that nobody wants to admit to the possibility of it being their problem; it's the poster-child for 'big boys don't cry'. Men and women are expected (well, often as not, expect themselves) to be able to simply cheer up and stop being wusses. That's often unreasonable and futile.

Nor am I saying that it's your problem. How can I? I don't know the details and I don't have the right postnomials. What I'm saying, based on what I'm seeing, is that it's a possibility.

It's your call, your life and I wish you happiness, whatever choices you make.

I think for me personally, I do have a lot of overlapping symptoms, but most (if not all) are not from depression. I have ADHD, diagnosed, and anxiety, though I feel like ADHD is more of a pain than anxiety is.

I had a doctor once (just one, and no doctor’s said this to me since) that I had depression. I do get him, that’s why I heard him out and tried the medicine for a few months. It didn’t help my problems but it sure did make me sick.

Honestly? I think anyone can look at someone else and go “you might have depression”. And sometimes that person might have it. But I also think that depression has become this catch-all statement of “something seems off, mentally” and especially as someone who like I said has ADHD and can see why it might be misconstrued with that alone, I don’t really think that this is a good thing

 

[docisin]

I used to be a very sex-positive person. I actually used to be a very sexually active person, even … for many years I had a great sex life and attitude.

However, even back then, I had my own share of insecurities. Actually maybe a lot. Enough that I really let it get to my head sometimes. It was usually about ability to reach orgasm with a partner (or lack thereof - I’m female).

Male partners have never felt like my cup of tea. But I let pressures, insecurities, and the words of others get to me over the years, and I ended up leading a life for a while where I desperately searched for a man who could “please” me properly, regardless of the fact I’ve never been attracted to them much.

One day it happened. One day I entered a relationship with a male in which we had very satisfying sex repeatedly. We then also entered an exclusive relationship.

Time wore on. The good sex started to get … not less good, but it took so much effort to keep up. I didn’t feel like it was natural for me, to do it so much, even if it was good. I felt tired. I knew it wasn’t because of what we were doing. We were kinky. But I felt like I was somehow locking my true self away, ignoring her. I ignored this and continued the relationship.

It got worse. I got to the point where I started to lose myself entirely. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for my partner. But I felt I had cut off the most important parts of who I was in order to try to be fully functioning at something that just … wasn’t me. I began to resent them. I began to resent myself. I started to get very angry at the world. I hated the way I felt like society had tricked me, finally tricked me into betting everything in order to play this game that they said was so great, only for me to find out that my life was so much more quality before it. I had lost who I was because of making these mistakes of listening to others, and I didn’t know if I could get myself back. On top of it, the messages out there, everywhere, including all over places like this forum still weren’t things I identified with. Everything felt wrong. It felt constantly like everyone’s playing this game I don’t understand, and now my experiences have made me very jaded.

I have since mostly rebuilt myself and my past life, but it was a very close call. I still feel jaded. I still feel angry sometimes. I am wondering how can I ever fully get rid of this jadedness when it comes to sex. I scoff now at things I used to feel positive or at least empathetic about. I no longer see even searching for a female partner like I used to (as I find them more attractive) as a desirable activity. I feel so jaded from constant experience of the same thing repeated again and again. The pictures on these forums are all the same. The threads are all the same. Discussions, “fetishes”. Even the fetishes are not really fetishes. It makes me feel lesser of everyone somehow, like, how can you all sit here and not feel bored, why would you want to repeat the same activity so much, so often, so specifically?

It makes me feel like I have become a bad person. Unempathetic and jaded. I know I’m not a bad person and it’s not on purpose. But I don’t know how after my experiences and self-discovery as a person who is simply so different how I can return to the innocently happy and positive person I once was on the subject of sex.

I appreciate what you’ve written, and sympathize enormously. You might be jaded, but you’re certainly NOT a “bad person.” As we age, sex and sexual desires change. I used to have quite a healthy sex life, two long-term partners (I married one), but since then, haven’t really been able to be consistently sexually satisfied, so, like zillions of other, I turn to porn, or on-line forums, the odd massage parlor, and there’s really nothing as fulfilling as the real thing. I read an interesting article a few weeks ago, and while it wasn’t specially about porn and the endless variety of it, it implied it, and was generally about social media. Our brains produce dopamine for pleasure, and as that pleasure happens we want more of it. So the “scroll” of social media happens (and by extension, porn), looking for the next and better dopamine high, and it becomes and endless cycle, which will lead to burn out and being jaded. I’m not saying you scroll for porn, but in today’s society, because of social media and porn, we’re always looking for the next and greater fix. The solution, according to this article (as obvious as it might seem), stop. Stop the scroll. Stop the email, facebook, Instagram scroll as soon as your eyes open in the morning. Your receptor cells need to recover, and need to go through withdrawl. If you pull away from your sexual experiences (or thoughts ABOUT them), and leave it alone for a while, you’ll likely pull out of the feeling of being “jaded.” Just my thoughts…

 

[Bighammerfucker]

I appreciate what you’ve written, and sympathize enormously. You might be jaded, but you’re certainly NOT a “bad person.” As we age, sex and sexual desires change. I used to have quite a healthy sex life, two long-term partners (I married one), but since then, haven’t really been able to be consistently sexually satisfied, so, like zillions of other, I turn to porn, or on-line forums, the odd massage parlor, and there’s really nothing as fulfilling as the real thing. I read an interesting article a few weeks ago, and while it wasn’t specially about porn and the endless variety of it, it implied it, and was generally about social media. Our brains produce dopamine for pleasure, and as that pleasure happens we want more of it. So the “scroll” of social media happens (and by extension, porn), looking for the next and better dopamine high, and it becomes and endless cycle, which will lead to burn out and being jaded. I’m not saying you scroll for porn, but in today’s society, because of social media and porn, we’re always looking for the next and greater fix. The solution, according to this article (as obvious as it might seem), stop. Stop the scroll. Stop the email, facebook, Instagram scroll as soon as your eyes open in the morning. Your receptor cells need to recover, and need to go through withdrawl. If you pull away from your sexual experiences (or thoughts ABOUT them), and leave it alone for a while, you’ll likely pull out of the feeling of being “jaded.” Just my thoughts…

I do hear you, but when I said I feel that way, it’s not because I feel my own desire is lacking. I think it comes more from not being able to understand where others are coming from with these desires that I feel like I’ve never understood the way they do, even before social media had the options for endless scrolling, and even before I was actually old enough to view porn.

I feel like, these “differences” were a lot easier to deal with BEFORE I had the above experience. I used to (and do again) live a life where I celebrate what I DO like a satisfactory amount. But when I entered that relationship, it was like, all these messages that are always sent about heterosexual sex being the greatest thing, just never felt as good to me as other stuff. And it angers me that these messages about it being the greatest are still the ones constantly sent, etc

I did like what you said though because it shed some light for me on maybe why people act the way they do on forums like this and stuff. I am not a forum person really so I don’t know. I do have my own places where I endlessly scroll though. But one interesting thing actually you reminded me of, was that the worst of everything happened during a time when I had taken a hiatus from social media. I had quit social media for about a year, and when I came back I made the mistake of trying to use forums like this where I found the obsession with sex to be unbearable. Maybe doing that had played more of a part than I thought. I did eventually realize that this wasn’t helping anything and I quit the forums and went back to my life before all of the shiftiness happened. It honestly helped immensely, but I still feel like more of a judgemental person now. I feel like I really shouldn’t just negatively judge things I don’t relate to or understand, like this forum. I mean. Why am I judging it like that? Why does it matter if people like posting pictures constantly? Why would that make me feel angry? That’s what I don’t get.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

You know, I think if I really had to sum up what it is, it’s that I felt like people push so hard these certain messages or ideals, because it’s true for them, or something. And when someone else comes along and says they can’t relate, they get told “you’re not doing it right”. So when you finally find a way to get the same experience as everyone else, but then it ends up like, STILL feeling totally wrong for you, it makes you feel like, angry, you know? Like why wasn’t I listened to in the first place. And why did I have to go through that just to be able to say, “this is how it is”.

And then on top of it, nothing changes. People still act the same. Forums like this are still filled with things I don’t relate to or like. But if people had it sooo figured out like they would constantly assure me way back, why did nothing change, why do I STILL not relate? I think maybe that’s what I mean when I say I feel jaded. That’s why I made the decision to continue to try to just enjoy what does feel right and ignore everyone else but. Underneath it all I still feel angry. I kind of think anyone would.

 

[NightL]

Ever considered planning and taking yourself (only yourself) off to an exotic destination and treating yourself to a holiday? A space to recharge, regaining strength to make decisions and set new goals.

 

[docisin]

Well, a lot of people ain’t shit. So I don’t know if recognizing that makes you jaded.

However, you aren’t happy with how you feel, so that’s something worth addressing.

I suspect you’ll get a bunch of advice here, telling you how to feel and what to do, and that if you just got fucked with a big enough dick, it would cure all of your problems. But I’d recommend scheduling a few sessions with a licensed therapist. Unbiased, professional perspective can be invaluable.

There‘s a lot going on in the world lately that could exacerbate feeling hopeless and jaded. We can’t change that, but we can learn healthier ways to cope with it and find peace with ourselves.

Word.

 

[docisin]

I do hear you, but when I said I feel that way, it’s not because I feel my own desire is lacking. I think it comes more from not being able to understand where others are coming from with these desires that I feel like I’ve never understood the way they do, even before social media had the options for endless scrolling, and even before I was actually old enough to view porn.

I feel like, these “differences” were a lot easier to deal with BEFORE I had the above experience. I used to (and do again) live a life where I celebrate what I DO like a satisfactory amount. But when I entered that relationship, it was like, all these messages that are always sent about heterosexual sex being the greatest thing, just never felt as good to me as other stuff. And it angers me that these messages about it being the greatest are still the ones constantly sent, etc

I did like what you said though because it shed some light for me on maybe why people act the way they do on forums like this and stuff. I am not a forum person really so I don’t know. I do have my own places where I endlessly scroll though. But one interesting thing actually you reminded me of, was that the worst of everything happened during a time when I had taken a hiatus from social media. I had quit social media for about a year, and when I came back I made the mistake of trying to use forums like this where I found the obsession with sex to be unbearable. Maybe doing that had played more of a part than I thought. I did eventually realize that this wasn’t helping anything and I quit the forums and went back to my life before all of the shiftiness happened. It honestly helped immensely, but I still feel like more of a judgemental person now. I feel like I really shouldn’t just negatively judge things I don’t relate to or understand, like this forum. I mean. Why am I judging it like that? Why does it matter if people like posting pictures constantly? Why would that make me feel angry? That’s what I don’t get.

I have a follow up comment, but, may I ask your age?

 

[Athalia]

I had a doctor once (just one, and no doctor’s said this to me since) that I had depression. I do get him, that’s why I heard him out and tried the medicine for a few months. It didn’t help my problems but it sure did make me sick.

Honestly? I think anyone can look at someone else and go “you might have depression”. And sometimes that person might have it. But I also think that depression has become this catch-all statement of “something seems off, mentally” and especially as someone who like I said has ADHD and can see why it might be misconstrued with that alone, I don’t really think that this is a good thing

Well, one of the symptoms of clinical depression (different from transient depression) is that you are no longer interested in something that you used to be really interested in. Take it from me, because my best friend is in that situation right now.

You are right that people who don't know much about clinical depression tend to lump a lot of symptoms together and make an on-the-fly diagnosis. That's a good reason to see a good specialist in that disease. And a good specialist would be one that tracked your medications and adjust them if there were no good results, or if they had side effects. It's a different spectrum for different people, and a different spectrum even for the same person as the person ages or goes through hormonal changes. What used to work for my friend suddenly doesn't work any more, and she goes through the roller-coaster again until a different regimen is found.

Or it may be that sex is no longer important for you, and yet you feel that you want to return to that point in your life where sex is important to you. I understand that. If that's the case, a specialist might be able to help you see that your life changes are as natural as your previous behaviours, and you are as complete a person now as you were before; you're just complete in a different way.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

Well, one of the symptoms of clinical depression (different from transient depression) is that you are no longer interested in something that you used to be really interested in. Take it from me, because my best friend is in that situation right now.

You are right that people who don't know much about clinical depression tend to lump a lot of symptoms together and make an on-the-fly diagnosis. That's a good reason to see a good specialist in that disease. And a good specialist would be one that tracked your medications and adjust them if there were no good results, or if they had side effects. It's a different spectrum for different people, and a different spectrum even for the same person as the person ages or goes through hormonal changes. What used to work for my friend suddenly doesn't work any more, and she goes through the roller-coaster again until a different regimen is found.

Or it may be that sex is no longer important for you, and yet you feel that you want to return to that point in your life where sex is important to you. I understand that. If that's the case, a specialist might be able to help you see that your life changes are as natural as your previous behaviours, and you are as complete a person now as you were before; you're just complete in a different way.

But it never WAS that I lost interest in that way. That’s the thing.

I was still sexual. I simply felt trapped from being able to pursue what I liked most of all, and also that I was being “fed too much”. Later on I did lose my drive from the above. But I never lost my INTEREST.

Even when things got so bad that I did lose my sex drive. At that time though, briefly during the worst of it, I was depressed. But that was due to circumstance. Trap any animal and put them in a world they don’t belong in and see how they react. Does reacting poorly to adverse conditions mean one is depressed and needs to be medicated?

Maybe I’m crazy but I think this world is highly over medicated and that depression should not be a catch-all diagnosis. Don’t forget too that sex drive can lower by simply not engaging in sexuality. Which I wasn’t, considering I wasn’t able to pursue my sexual interests - due to my relationship.

I honestly acknowledge I was depressed and mentally ill in the thick of it. But that’s why I put in all of this work including seeing 2 therapists during that time. But nothing they did or told me helped me get out of it. It was … a very close call. Honestly, one single thing swung it for me, and if it hadn’t been for that, I may never have recovered. But I can promise you that it wasn’t pills or counselling.

 

[Lady2020]

IDK. You live long enough and you realize life is a struggle and relationships are difficult to understand or to maintain. I've come to the conclusion that sex can be great if you don't live with your partner, or if it's not a 24/7 thing, whether IRL or OL.Too much of anything is a PITA.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

IDK. You live long enough and you realize life is a struggle and relationships are difficult to understand or to maintain. I've come to the conclusion that sex can be great if you don't live with your partner, or if it's not a 24/7 thing, whether IRL or OL.Too much of anything is a PITA.

I feel like this reply makes a lot of sense to me tbh lol