How to convince someone into proper BDSM who just likes it lighter

[Elizasboss]

Well is there any way i can convince someone to go for proper BDSM instead of doing the little things only for example handcuffs, tying a little.
And interestingly this person does not mind being collard or on leash but just wouldn't get into the real BDSM.
A little help please.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Well is there any way i can convince someone to go for proper BDSM instead of doing the little things only for example handcuffs, tying a little.
And interestingly this person does not mind being collard or on leash but just wouldn't get into the real BDSM.
A little help please.

I think you’d need to define proper and real BDSM first…

 

[Elizasboss]

I think you’d need to define proper and real BDSM first…

Okay..
What she's okay with at the moment is
Handcuffs
Soft tying with ribbon
Soft spanking with hands only
She likes being humiliated in public so she loves to be on leash and on collar sometimes
But nothing more

And the stuff i see on internet or what people tell me is so much more but i will request you to explain me more

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I’m thinking BOTH people have much to learn. Remember the sub sets the limits either hard or soft limits. Talk to the sub. Find out exactly what they’re wanting and not wanting to do. Keep in mind it’s consentual. If at anytime the sub wants/ needs to stop. You STOP.
Talk to the sub find out what they want. Let them know what you want. As a top/ dominant. You’re a guide for them. It’s a journey of exploration and learning. It takes time.

 

[Elizasboss]

I’m thinking BOTH people have much to learn. Remember the sub sets the limits either hard or soft limits. Talk to the sub. Find out exactly what they’re wanting and not wanting to do. Keep in mind it’s consentual. If at anytime the sub wants/ needs to stop. You STOP.
Talk to the sub find out what they want. Let them know what you want. As a top/ dominant. You’re a guide for them. It’s a journey of exploration and learning. It takes time.

I do that and tell her that i would stop even at her nod but she is just afraid somehow of being tortured and all

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I do that and tell her that i would stop even at her nod but she is just afraid somehow of being tortured and all

How new is the relationship? How long have you and her been in lifestyle?

Oh and before I forget. The stuff that you see on the net. Throw that out the window.

 

[Elizasboss]

I only do it when she agrees to it so lets say a few times in maybe 6 to 8 months
I get so turned on seeing the stuff from internet and i want to copy that to her

 

[lil_jenni]

Like others have said, it's a matter of learning. Learn her boundaries, soft and hard. Push the soft ones, slowly. If she uses the safe word, STOP pushing and return to an area of comfort. If you don't have a safe word, agree on one ASAP. Hubby and I have one, although I've never used it because he has never pushed me that far. But it's there if I ever need it.

As you push soft boundaries and explore them, you may find some hard boundaries have become softer. So think of it as exploring, learning, and expanding rather than convincing.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I only do it when she agrees to it so lets say a few times in maybe 6 to 8 months
I get so turned on seeing the stuff from internet and i want to copy that to her

As a top/ dominant one has to be in control. In control of one’s self physically, mentally, emotionally. A sub trusts you will take care of them. One can’t let themselves get carried away.
Let’s try an example:
A dominant is playing with the submissive. The submissive is restrained on a bench completely naked. Say they’re doing impact play with a flogger.
The dominant decides to go to a paddle but has never discussed it with the submissive. The submissive responds with a safe word. Everything stops now. In that situation trust has probably been lost. Consent wasn’t given for paddle use. The submissive might feel that trust is not therefore a relationship isn’t there.

 

[Elizasboss]

Like others have said, it's a matter of learning. Learn her boundaries, soft and hard. Push the soft ones, slowly. If she uses the safe word, STOP pushing and return to an area of comfort. If you don't have a safe word, agree on one ASAP. Hubby and I have one, although I've never used it because he has never pushed me that far. But it's there if I ever need it.

As you push soft boundaries and explore them, you may find some hard boundaries have become softer. So think of it as exploring, learning, and expanding rather than convincing.

And trust me this is exactly what i have been doing with her and yet i am unable to convince her for more

 

[Elizasboss]

As a top/ dominant one has to be in control. In control of one’s self physically, mentally, emotionally. A sub trusts you will take care of them. One can’t let themselves get carried away.
Let’s try an example:
A dominant is playing with the submissive. The submissive is restrained on a bench completely naked. Say they’re doing impact play with a flogger.
The dominant decides to go to a paddle but has never discussed it with the submissive. The submissive responds with a safe word. Everything stops now. In that situation trust has probably been lost. Consent wasn’t given for paddle use. The submissive might feel that trust is not therefore a relationship isn’t there.

True and very nice way of explaining, thanks
She says she knows i wouldn't break her trust but she still shys off

 

[LittleSwitchy]

In regards to safe word. Ow mutha fucker or is that all you got? Those are not good safe words/ phrases.
Choose words that are totally out of context for the play you might get into.

 

[Elizasboss]

In regards to safe word. Ow mutha fucker or is that all you got? Those are not good safe words/ phrases.
Choose words that are totally out of context for the play you might get into.

Well our safe word was filthy sister

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Well our safe word was filthy sister

It can even be super simple. Like green, yellow, red. Green for all is ok. Yellow for unsure maybe back off a bit. Red stop.

 

[Elizasboss]

Wow nice and simple
We tried to keep it relevant

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I just thought. Have a talk with her away from any kinda play. Be it over dinner, watching tv, whatever. Talk to her about her likes, dislikes, limits, things she might want to try. You do the same with her.
Keep in mind this lifestyle asks one to be extremely open. I mean you are delving into your deepest possible darkest desires. Be open, non judgmental, supportive. It will make a huge difference in the relationship.

 

[Elizasboss]

Oh yes definitely... i mean if you knew us how open n dirty we are lol n judgments have no place with us to be honest
Thanks though

 

[lil_jenni]

It can even be super simple. Like green, yellow, red. Green for all is ok. Yellow for unsure maybe back off a bit. Red stop.

Based on what you are telling us, I second this suggestion. You could go with a single word when she is more comfortable, if you want. Ours is a single word, "sloth". There is a whole story why, but it's related to slowing down... Anyway, I don't need/probably wouldn't use the green/yellow/red system in my situation (I could tolerate much more than Hubby will probably ever push), but in your situation it seems a good idea. That will help you learn, explore, and expand with her. Remember, don't think of it as 'convincing.' You will never convincer her to go beyond a limit. You have to guide her and show her she has nothing to fear.

 

[Elizasboss]

Based on what you are telling us, I second this suggestion. You could go with a single word when she is more comfortable, if you want. Ours is a single word, "sloth". There is a whole story why, but it's related to slowing down... Anyway, I don't need/probably wouldn't use the green/yellow/red system in my situation (I could tolerate much more than Hubby will probably ever push), but in your situation it seems a good idea. That will help you learn, explore, and expand with her. Remember, don't think of it as 'convincing.' You will never convincer her to go beyond a limit. You have yo guide her and show her she has nothing to fear.

Thanks for sharing your word..
She is sitting with me and she still prefers our own word "filthy sister"
I understand what you are saying though.
Would stretching her limits to fuck her ass be called BDSM or not?

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Based on what you are telling us, I second this suggestion. You could go with a single word when she is more comfortable, if you want. Ours is a single word, "sloth". There is a whole story why, but it's related to slowing down... Anyway, I don't need/probably wouldn't use the green/yellow/red system in my situation (I could tolerate much more than Hubby will probably ever push), but in your situation it seems a good idea. That will help you learn, explore, and expand with her. Remember, don't think of it as 'convincing.' You will never convincer her to go beyond a limit. You have yo guide her and show her she has nothing to fear.

I’m thinking your safe word would be hard to mistake. I mean how is it possible to work into a regular phrase when in playing mood.
A whole story huh? “ grabs the popcorn “ sounds like story time. Lol.
I like how you mention guiding. That’s how I see a top/ dominant. They’re a guide on the submissive’ journey.

 

[lil_jenni]

Thanks for sharing your word..
She is sitting with me and she still prefers our own word "filthy sister"
I understand what you are saying though.
Would stretching her limits to fuck her ass be called BDSM or not?

I don't consider anal in and of itself to be BDSM. I mean, if I'm strapped to the bed and Hubby decides to take my ass, it's the power dynamic and the submission, and of course the bondage, that are the BDSM components. Anal is just anal. It can be done in a BDSM context or a gentle lovemaking context that is vanilla except for the place of penetration.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Thanks for sharing your word..
She is sitting with me and she still prefers our own word "filthy sister"
I understand what you are saying though.
Would stretching her limits to fuck her ass be called BDSM or not?

I can’t say as anal of itself is bdsm or not. That’s between you and her. Every relationship is different. Everyone has to figure out what does and doesn’t work for them.

 

[Elizasboss]

I don't consider anal in and of itself to be BDSM. I mean, if I'm strapped to the bed and Hubby decides to take my ass, it's the power dynamic and the submission, and of course the bondage, that are the BDSM components. Anal is just anal. It can be done in a BDSM context or a gentle lovemaking context that is vanilla except for the place of penetration.

Alright
Well she wants anal but to go slow and i say lets go rough and hard. She is okay with pee play done during anal and suggested even getting more dirtier... i am still thinking about it...

 

[Elizasboss]

I can’t say as anal of itself is bdsm or not. That’s between you and her. Every relationship is different. Everyone has to figure out what does and doesn’t work for them.

Well she wants anal but to go slow and i say lets go rough and hard. She is okay with pee play done during anal and suggested even getting more dirtier... i am still thinking about it...

 

[lil_jenni]

A whole story huh? “ grabs the popcorn “ sounds like story time. Lol.

It might not be that entertaining.

It was early in our relationship. He was being overly gentle and courteous and romantic. I said something along the lines of, "Don't be a sloth, Baby. Sloths are cute and all, but they take too damn long to do anything. Sometimes I just want to be fucked hard and fast." I didn't tell him then that it's quite often that I want it hard, fast, rough, etc." Then I told him if I want him to be a sloth, I'd tell him..fast forward a bit after I'd convinced him that BDSM play will be fun and fulfilling, I suggested we needed a single safe word meaningful to us because I didn't think I needed to use green/yellow/red. He responded with 'sloth' base on that earlier conversation. I agreed, but also resolved only to use it at absolute need... And we've never gotten there yet, and I doubt we do..