Fuck me why don't you? The all-too-well-known problem of unequal sex drives

[Domesticity]

I'm not picking on this particular poster because I chose to quote her. Other's have said similar things. I just wanted to comment from the male viewpoint. You all say you're "throwing it at" your husbands and that they don't respond or don't have the same sex drive but have you actually sat down and discussed with them what it is that they like or don't like about sex and what would turn them on more?

My wife and I went through some crazy ups and downs in our 42 years together. Some of them would have ended a lot of marriages. Some of them delt with our sex life and the mismatch of what she liked and what I liked. In many cases we were both wrong in how we tried to get the other more interested because we only saw the world though our own eyes. My wife felt she was doing things that I should have responded to and vice versa but the unfortunate fact is that we weren't on the same sheet of music. As a result, there was more discord than harmony for a lot of years.

Sometimes, things can never be "played in the same key" as it were to continue the analogy. Some people respond to "romance" and others respond to "eroticism". The trick is knowing what your partner wants/needs and not just what you need. It's sometimes necessary to understand what turns the other person on and not just you. You may be "throwing" something at your husband (or in the case of guys who think they are throwing at at their wives) but unfortunately the other isn't ready to catch what's being thrown.

Don't always assume that all men want "raw sex" thrown at them and that all men respond the same way to sexual situations. Somehow you need to each learn what the other wants and likes without any sort of recrimination or judgement. I knew a woman who would blatantly push blowjobs on her husband thinking all men loved blowjobs. When he responded by calling her a sex crazed slut, she shut down completely and started looking for other men who would respond to her way of approaching sexual initiation. She never found out what he might have responded to better, and they eventually ended up divorced. Maybe it's sometimes impossible to reconcile, but open, non-judgemental communication based on facts and not assumptions is key.

You bring up some great points. Honestly, I think the issue is that my husband has a low sex drive. We've been together since we were 17 and even as a teen he rarely masturbated and rarely wanted sex.

I am not a nag and tend to communicate in a very straight forward manner. I have asked him what turns him on, what turns him off and everything in between and he always says it's not me, it's him :/. I also think that money and work stresses cause him to want less sex. He works close to 70 hours a week some weeks and comes home and interacts with the kids and me. Honestly, he's an amazing guy in all aspects but making me feel desirable and I'm an attention whore so I like the positive attention.

It has almost destroyed our marriage in the past but we worked through it, found a bit of a middle ground and I stopped nagging him about sex but I do find I have to seek other outlets for my sexual frustration and since I don't want to cheat I just masturbate. A lot. Lol

Anyhow, sorry OP for the hijack. And thanks, amofiga, for the well thought out post.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

If it's purely down to endurance I'd recommend buying some toys that you can use together / that he can use on you. You still get laid, but he doesn't feel the pressure to get it up or come. This worked for me in a similar situation.

You'll only know if this is a viable option if you talk to him though. Communication is the key.

 

[Adrraiya]

I went through the same thing with my ex. He was and is my complete soul mate on so many levels. When his sex drive was right up there with mine (in our 30's) life was incredible with him. Unfortunately he had a recurring cocaine problem. As years passed his sex drive decreased. I believe the reason was the drug use combined with aging. Eventually his reaction to me was: "do you always have to be touching my dick?" Well snuggling beside him on the couch it seemed only natural that my hand would be on his thigh and then begin to wander upwards. He left me this January. I will never know the true reason as he has had zero contact with me since the email telling me he wasn't happy, wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't mad at me, he just wasn't coming bak home and not to try to contact him or find him. Broke my heart and I am still wondering....what did I do wrong?

I am guessing that cocaine was perhaps a bigger problem than you or he wanted to admit... they call it "girl" for a reason.... it becomes the addicts everything