Feedback on story?

[PeterSW]

Hello,

Longtime listener, first-time caller. I've written two chapters in a series called "Spread the Seed," about a young man who takes a job in a church where one of the "other duties as assigned" is helping parishioners get pregnant. There's a romance thread in it, and some stepmom play/sex, which is why Ch. 2 is filed under incest. Links:

https://www.literotica.com/s/spread-the-seed
https://www.literotica.com/s/spread-the-seed-ch-02

Anyway, I'm starting the third chapter, and I'm a little blocked about where to take it. Emphasize the romance plot? Keep it bawdy? More stepmom, or less? Figure out some way to balance all of this. I want it to be "realistic" but also fun---I know the setup is a bit absurd.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts you'd like to share!

 

[HectorBidon]

I really liked the stories. What's not to like about a fantasy in which a guy gets to have sex with lots of different women in a way that makes everybody happy? I especially liked Dawn's character and her whole attitude about doing God's work. (I didn't really get Blake's letting her go in the end, I would have thought he would have tried a bit harder to fix things.) I also liked the stepmom's attitude. "You can put it in, but be sure to take it out before anything happens." Talk about fantasies!

Anyway, I don't really have any recommendations about what you should do next, but I do hope you'll keep true to the basic premise of the story—the kind-heartedness of all the characters. That was the real pleasure in reading the stories for me: the way in which Blake—all in all a pretty decent fellow—just keeps trying to do the right thing and circumstances conspire in such interesting ways.

 

[PeterSW]

Thanks so much for reading the stories, and for the feedback, Hector! I think you're right that maybe Blake dumping Dawn was a bit abrupt---I could've better explained the shock he felt at her revelation and the frustration he was feeling at not being closer to her. It's a conventional boy-meets-girl/boy-loses-girl plot, and one thing I'm thinking about for chapter three is how to move it forward without being conventional (and still making sure there's lots of sex too, of course....) Again, thanks.

 

[8letters]

You've got a good rating on the story. I'm going to say critical things about the story because telling you the story is good doesn't tell you much, but your story is good.

Thoughts:
* I always like to start a story with an interesting first scene with lots of dialog. You start the story with a big bunch of narrative summary. That being said, I'm not sure what a good opening scene would be for this story
* This story frequently reads like it's set in the 50's or 60's. There is so much that it is out of touch with the times:
* * Handwashing of dishes? Every middle-class home in the US has had a dishwasher for ages now
* * The two wives in the story are stay-at-home wives despite having no kids. There's not enough housework nowadays to justify the wife being at home. They'd be working
* * The "Having sex with the secretary" trope. Made sense in the 50's when most of the women in the work place were secretaries. Nowadays, there are lots of women in the workplace, very few of which are secretaries (which are generally called "admins" instead of "secretaries"). Secretary is a low-pay, low-status job. Blake's dad would have picked someone with more in common with him, a young woman with a college degree and achieving success on the job
* * Dawn should be badly struggling financially, but she comes across as financially quite comfortable. She'd not get an alimony in her divorce. She probably wouldn't get a lot of money from her divorce. Her job would pay well below a living wage. Just filling up her SUV would be a traumatic event
* What's the deal with Blake's mom? She's not mentioned in the first story. In Blake's situation, it'd make a lot more sense for him to live with her than her dad as he'd be closer to her. I'm not saying it's implausible that he's living with his dad, but the story would have been more plausible if there was a stated reason for why he was living with his dad
* The "Looking through an ajar door" trope. I hate this trope
* * It's tough for me to imagine someone leaving a door ajar. In my experience, people either have their door open or closed. If they are going to do something they want privacy for, like lying naked on the bed, smoking pot or masturbating, they are going to be sure that the door is closed
* * If Blake could clearly see Caitlin's face through the ajar door, then Caitlin could clearly see the door is ajar. In which case, she would get up and close it before doing anything private
* * If Blake could clearly see Caitlin's face through the ajar door, then Caitlin could clearly see Blake's face
* Why did the dad marry Caitlin? They don't seem to have anything in common. "For the sex" isn't a good answer as he isn't home enough for them to have a lot of sex
* I liked the interactions between Blake and Dawn, Blake and Caitlin, and Blake and Jill. But at that same time, I felt the set ups for those interactions weren't realistic

 

[PeterSW]

You've got a good rating on the story. I'm going to say critical things about the story because telling you the story is good doesn't tell you much, but your story is good.

Thoughts:
* I always like to start a story with an interesting first scene with lots of dialog. You start the story with a big bunch of narrative summary. That being said, I'm not sure what a good opening scene would be for this story
* This story frequently reads like it's set in the 50's or 60's. There is so much that it is out of touch with the times:
* * Handwashing of dishes? Every middle-class home in the US has had a dishwasher for ages now
* * The two wives in the story are stay-at-home wives despite having no kids. There's not enough housework nowadays to justify the wife being at home. They'd be working
* * The "Having sex with the secretary" trope. Made sense in the 50's when most of the women in the work place were secretaries. Nowadays, there are lots of women in the workplace, very few of which are secretaries (which are generally called "admins" instead of "secretaries"). Secretary is a low-pay, low-status job. Blake's dad would have picked someone with more in common with him, a young woman with a college degree and achieving success on the job
* * Dawn should be badly struggling financially, but she comes across as financially quite comfortable. She'd not get an alimony in her divorce. She probably wouldn't get a lot of money from her divorce. Her job would pay well below a living wage. Just filling up her SUV would be a traumatic event
* What's the deal with Blake's mom? She's not mentioned in the first story. In Blake's situation, it'd make a lot more sense for him to live with her than her dad as he'd be closer to her. I'm not saying it's implausible that he's living with his dad, but the story would have been more plausible if there was a stated reason for why he was living with his dad
* The "Looking through an ajar door" trope. I hate this trope
* * It's tough for me to imagine someone leaving a door ajar. In my experience, people either have their door open or closed. If they are going to do something they want privacy for, like lying naked on the bed, smoking pot or masturbating, they are going to be sure that the door is closed
* * If Blake could clearly see Caitlin's face through the ajar door, then Caitlin could clearly see the door is ajar. In which case, she would get up and close it before doing anything private
* * If Blake could clearly see Caitlin's face through the ajar door, then Caitlin could clearly see Blake's face
* Why did the dad marry Caitlin? They don't seem to have anything in common. "For the sex" isn't a good answer as he isn't home enough for them to have a lot of sex
* I liked the interactions between Blake and Dawn, Blake and Caitlin, and Blake and Jill. But at that same time, I felt the set ups for those interactions weren't realistic

Thanks for all this, 8letters---I'm glad you liked the story overall, and these are smart points. I hear you especially in terms of some of the plot cliches, and also about clarifying some of the roles here, especially Blake's dad. One thing I've learned after doing this for a bit is that characters can proliferate like crazy if you're not careful, and I'm working on how to focus on the central Blake-Dawn story while also giving secondary characters like Blake's dad their due. This is good stuff to think about.