Cuckold research

[policywank]

Thank you policywank for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your views on this.

Oddly enough I brought this topic up to her (What she is experiencing being Poly/cuckolding/hotwife) after my original post and she had what I thought was an odd reaction to it. Paraphrasing, she didn’t want to “Label” what she/we are doing? I can understand her reaction as she may not have fully dealt with her emotions about going forward with this. I wasn’t really prepared for how vehement she was though.

I think it may be more important to me to attach a label to it instead of just letting an organic feeling/action take root. This is something we’ll obviously have to work through. If I had to put a label on it (maybe she’s right about not labeling) I think I’d be more comfortable with Poly. I can’t really put it into words why, but maybe it’s some of the negative connotations in the porn I’ve watched. The only problem with her being Poly with this man is his wife is most assuredly NOT on board with this arrangement. For reference we’ve all met and partied together at music festivals. I don’t know them well or as well as my wife but enough to know.

I definitely agree that monogamous relationships are a function of polite society and not human nature. My wife also has said this multiple times as we’ve discussed our feelings about the arrangement we’ve found ourselves in. She has expressed a strong interest to pursue this and I wont stand in the way.

We did lay down some ground rules and one was if I wanted to explore, then that would be OK (the female screened by her) but to quote yourself, “men don’t have the same opportunities as women” (paraphrasing of course!) nor do I have the time at this point in my life to chase skirt. Unless it drops in my lap (unlikely) then I’m just going to focus on her side of the fantasy.

Thanks again for letting me use you as a sounding board! Have a good day!

You are welcome. I agree that it is best to be careful with labelling things. We don't tend to fit into neat categories in that way and too often the label is the means by which we or others seek to define how we should behave when we should be defining our own unique circumstances. As soon as we say "well I am X" there is highly likely to be an inaccurate assumption attached to that conclusion. However, if we understand all that and can keep it in context the reference points can be a useful way to come to grips with what we are doing and how we are feeling. And in the absence of those reference points we may risk a bit of self-delusion.

The best example I can think of is guys who say they are straight but enjoy sucking cock. That statement is a contradiction in terms. It is like saying I am a vegan who eats meat. If you enjoy same sex sexual relations you are bi-sexual on some level. There may be limits to your attraction to other men and limits to what you want to do with them, but that is the metaphorical equivalent of saying I only eat certain types of organic meats and eschew anything fatty or processed. Great. That is probably healthier than other more carnivore intensive diets but disavowing the "label" omnivore or bi-sexual in this metaphor isn't a matter of avoiding labels so much as it is living in denial.

Likewise while there is no reason to pick a label for what your wife is doing, the simplified version of what those labels represent can be useful reference points. The label hotwife implies an asymmetrical open relationship where the wife has sex with other men but the husband does not have sex with other women. The label poly implies a person who is in a loving relationship with more than one partner with whom they are exclusive. Sorry I know that wording is awkward, but I mean a woman who is in a poly relationship with two men is exclusive to those two men - she is not a free agent the way a hot wife is. Obviously there can be multiple layers, variations and combinations. There is no need to affix one given label to your wife, but understanding what they mean can help explore what it is she wants.

She is quite right that men don't have the same opportunities as women. But again it seems relevant to explore what she means by that in the circumstance. From my point of view I would make that point to any man who wants this to be an open marriage type of situation. It is simply a caution to be aware that equal opportunity won't lead to equal outcomes so if that is what is intended to mitigate your jealousy it probably won't work. But I could equally imagine it being a way of saying "I'd rather you didn't pursue other women and it probably won't work out anyway so let's just take that off the table" which in turn would suggest some element of hot wifing.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

You are welcome. I agree that it is best to be careful with labelling things. We don't tend to fit into neat categories in that way and too often the label is the means by which we or others seek to define how we should behave when we should be defining our own unique circumstances. As soon as we say "well I am X" there is highly likely to be an inaccurate assumption attached to that conclusion. However, if we understand all that and can keep it in context the reference points can be a useful way to come to grips with what we are doing and how we are feeling. And in the absence of those reference points we may risk a bit of self-delusion.

The best example I can think of is guys who say they are straight but enjoy sucking cock. That statement is a contradiction in terms. It is like saying I am a vegan who eats meat. If you enjoy same sex sexual relations you are bi-sexual on some level. There may be limits to your attraction to other men and limits to what you want to do with them, but that is the metaphorical equivalent of saying I only eat certain types of organic meats and eschew anything fatty or processed. Great. That is probably healthier than other more carnivore intensive diets but disavowing the "label" omnivore or bi-sexual in this metaphor isn't a matter of avoiding labels so much as it is living in denial.

Likewise while there is no reason to pick a label for what your wife is doing, the simplified version of what those labels represent can be useful reference points. The label hotwife implies an asymmetrical open relationship where the wife has sex with other men but the husband does not have sex with other women. The label poly implies a person who is in a loving relationship with more than one partner with whom they are exclusive. Sorry I know that wording is awkward, but I mean a woman who is in a poly relationship with two men is exclusive to those two men - she is not a free agent the way a hot wife is. Obviously there can be multiple layers, variations and combinations. There is no need to affix one given label to your wife, but understanding what they mean can help explore what it is she wants.

She is quite right that men don't have the same opportunities as women. But again it seems relevant to explore what she means by that in the circumstance. From my point of view I would make that point to any man who wants this to be an open marriage type of situation. It is simply a caution to be aware that equal opportunity won't lead to equal outcomes so if that is what is intended to mitigate your jealousy it probably won't work. But I could equally imagine it being a way of saying "I'd rather you didn't pursue other women and it probably won't work out anyway so let's just take that off the table" which in turn would suggest some element of hot wifing.

At this juncture I’m not going to apply any labels and let her take the lead and find out which direction she’s going to take this. She may not even be able to go through with it if we’re being honest. She understands I support her in this endeavor and that has been a huge step forward in our relationship.

I’ll keep you posted on what happens. I hope it helps with your research on some level, even if it doesn’t fit the normal definition or label. Thanks again for your thoughtful replies.

 

[travelenman]

What led you to the role of cuckold? Is it something that you were drawn to right away or did it take a long time to build in your mind/heart? Did you initiate? Your wife initiate? Or perhaps some event (such as cheating) kicked it off? (My wife enjoyed sex with other men before we were married, we had a few threesomes and she loved the attention. After we were married this continued)

Was there ever a point at which reciprocity (i.e. both sides of the marriage open) was a consideration? If not why did you never consider pursuing other women? If it was a consideration what led you to leave that behind and embrace being a cuckold? (We did experiment with swinging, but we both enjoyed 3-somes with her being the centre of attention)

Is the role of cuckold and the attendant limitation on your sexual activities with other women something that is defined by an explicit agreement with your wife or just something that came to be in an unspoken way?
(After swinging she was not comfortable watching me with other women. I did date a few women as well, but she get more opportunities than I do)

Did your wife's attitude or approach to your personal interactions change in any way after she started cuckolding you? (She loves to have sex with me after being with a lover, but we have sex most days)

Do you and your wife have any rules associated with her sexual activities with other men? How have they evolved over time? What is the purpose of those rules? (No rules, other than she is not into anal)

Do you engage in fetish play? Do you want to? How has that evolved over time? (No fetish such as BDSM etc, just normal sex, she does love DP in the vagina)

Why did your wife choose to cuckold you? What is it that she seeks from other men? What is her "type" when choosing a sexual partner if you can define it? (She prefers young, tall men in uniform, married is best)

Are her lovers purely sex partners or does she have a greater connection to them? Can you tell me anything about those relationships? (My wife rarely has sex with the same guy twice, she prefers random on night stands)

Does your wife have multiple lovers or one boyfriend? How does she feel about the term "bull" as opposed to "lover" or "boyfriend"? (She has had more than one lover, the term "bull", and "boyfriend" are not appropriate as it is not about something physical missing, or a relationship. It is more about conquest)

Is she in control in her extra-marital sexual relationships or is she more submissive with the other men? (There is a mixture, she likes to be in control most of the time, but some guys she is submissive)

What is it that you enjoy about being a cuckold and how has that evolved over time? ( We enjoy the excitement of a new person, experiments, and watching her have fun. The sex is amazing after an encounter. It has evolved where she is now comfortable being alone with a guy. Initially she was worried it may affect our relationship)

These are brief but we have been sharing for over 20 years.

 

[BBCfan]

What led you to the role of cuckold? Is it something that you were drawn to right away or did it take a long time to build in your mind/heart? Did you initiate? Your wife initiate? Or perhaps some event (such as cheating) kicked it off?

I was occasionally orally bi with a BBC fetish, but never a cuck thought when dating women , couldn't understand why anyone would be into that...
but when I found out my now wife was VERY experienced with BBC those 2 worlds collided,
the result was my BBC fetish morphed into a BBC cuckold fetish with wife.
Wife knows EVERYTHING but only desires monogamy.

Was there ever a point at which reciprocity (i.e. both sides of the marriage open) was a consideration? If not why did you never consider pursuing other women? If it was a consideration what led you to leave that behind and embrace being a cuckold?

Had been in open relationship before dating wife, I was very good at it, but found it emotionally draining... plus only desire wife now.

Is the role of cuckold and the attendant limitation on your sexual activities with other women something that is defined by an explicit agreement with your wife or just something that came to be in an unspoken way?

If it ever happened it would be likely an agreement we both desire.

Did your wife's attitude or approach to your personal interactions change in any way after she started cuckolding you?

Once seeing just how aroused it made me, she has role played a few times but only for research into my psyche I think.

Do you and your wife have any rules associated with her sexual activities with other men? How have they evolved over time? What is the purpose of those rules?

If it happened I would certainly want them agreed upon together as a team.

Do you engage in fetish play? Do you want to? How has that evolved over time?

She has engaged a few times in fetish play with toys for both my oral BBC fetish and the BBC cuck fetish but only a couple times. A good sport but not REALLY into it I think.

Why did your wife choose to cuckold you? What is it that she seeks from other men? What is her "type" when choosing a sexual partner if you can define it?

I think her type would be a well hung masseuse of European origin or maybe Jamaican...she seems to have a past and likely still attraction to Jamaican men.

Is she in control in her extra-marital sexual relationships or is she more submissive with the other men?

She would want to be "taken" for sure.

What is it that you enjoy about being a cuckold and how has that evolved over time?

the fetishistic mind orgasm is super intense and this provides a mental thrill that equals or surpasses the BBC oral fetish.

 

[RedPhoenixxx]

Hello, and offering my info from the hotwife side of things.

What led you to the role of cuckold? Is it something that you were drawn to right away or did it take a long time to build in your mind/heart? Did you initiate? Your wife initiate? Or perhaps some event (such as cheating) kicked it off?

My husband and I both are heavy sexual people. He loved the idea and thought that I had not been an innocent women when we met. We often discussed threesomes and the idea of me with other men in the bedroom while enjoying ourselves. At a certain point another man became very interested in me and I was more than sure my husband would be into my naughty acts versus it being a bedroom fantasy so I made sure there was an opportunity to catch me. He did catch me and loved it.

Was there ever a point at which reciprocity (i.e. both sides of the marriage open) was a consideration? If not why did you never consider pursuing other women? If it was a consideration what led you to leave that behind and embrace being a cuckold?

This is one of the things that does separate us from other HW/C couples in that I fully support him if he wants to have sex with another woman. I know a lot of the lifestyle is based on the cuck being sub to the woman fully but I've never found it to be how I felt so my husband has the option.

Is the role of cuckold and the attendant limitation on your sexual activities with other women something that is defined by an explicit agreement with your wife or just something that came to be in an unspoken way?

After we decided to peruse sex with other people outside of our marriage both of us sat down and came up with rules regarding what all aspects we thought needed communication. We also make sure to hold nothing in when it comes to feelings or concerns.

Did your wife's attitude or approach to your personal interactions change in any way after she started cuckolding you?

I cannot say that our attitudes changed much but we became much more open. We can be out and see another person and be like "they are hot" or "wonder what they'd be like in bed" and it's not a huge issue or something we have to hide from one another.

Do you and your wife have any rules associated with her sexual activities with other men? How have they evolved over time? What is the purpose of those rules?

The big one is no secrets, everything is out in the open. If one of us is going to have sex or if there are concerns it is all to be said aloud.

Do you engage in fetish play? Do you want to? How has that evolved over time?

I think you'd have to be more specific on what type of fetish play.

Why did your wife choose to cuckold you? What is it that she seeks from other men? What is her "type" when choosing a sexual partner if you can define it?

I made the move because it was something we both seemed to find exciting and sexy. I always liked being sexually open and he liked me being a naughty wife he could watch. I think it is all about having fun and embarrassing our sexual side versus keeping it so hidden. I think with having all the options there you have a lot better chance to keep you sex life up and going versus getting into ruts or getting bored.

Are her lovers purely sex partners or does she have a greater connection to them? Can you tell me anything about those relationships?

Some have been one and done types and some others have become good friend to both my husband and I.

Does your wife have multiple lovers or one boyfriend? How does she feel about the term "bull" as opposed to "lover" or "boyfriend"?

It depends on how things go with a lover. If we start playing with someone and a connection develops often that person may be the only other person in our life. If the people playing are all about spreading out then there may be multiple lovers. I hate the term bull. I feel like we have made that man an object to toss into a sexual situation. Most of the time they are friends and a few we have called lovers.

Is she in control in her extra-marital sexual relationships or is she more submissive with the other men?

I always found myself to be submissive but after meeting a lot of people heavy into the sub/dom world I would say I am more of the middle ground.

What is it that you enjoy about being a cuckold and how has that evolved over time?

My husband says he loves watching me be naughty and as for me I love the sex and meeting some fun people.

I feel like I could go on and on, but that is enough for now. Of course anything else that you would like to add or embellish is welcome. Like I said I do intend to use any feedback I get to write a new piece, but it will all be aggregated information that won't even make reference to any online names. And while I do often express strong views it does all come from a place of respecting all parties in this lifestyle. In particular I hold all the supportive cuckolds in very high regard.

My biggest add would be in our sex life we do not get into the degrading side of things that seems to come along with a lot of couples in this. I do not talk about how the other man might be better than my husband and I do not deny him sex with me either. Some people have mentioned that this makes us more open and less cuckold but I think that the fact that my husband will watch and have me afterwards versus all having sex at the same time puts us into the cuckold category.

 

[pike07]

As a rule, the husband is the initiator of the cuckold relationship in the family. It was the same in our family. And the wife is not the main one in our family.

 

[savmitch1038]

PW, for me, the draw to cuckolding is not about humiliation. It is more about watching my SO get/give pleasure. It is almost like watching your own porn movie. My current wife is not into this, but previous gf's have been, and im a firm believer that woman have the capacity to accept many lovers while "Loving" one. I enjoy letting my SO enjoy sex with multiple men. So maybe that is more hotwifing!

 

[policywank]

PW, for me, the draw to cuckolding is not about humiliation. It is more about watching my SO get/give pleasure. It is almost like watching your own porn movie. My current wife is not into this, but previous gf's have been, and im a firm believer that woman have the capacity to accept many lovers while "Loving" one. I enjoy letting my SO enjoy sex with multiple men. So maybe that is more hotwifing!

Personally I see hotwifing and cuckolding as more or less the same thing from a different perspective. Humiliation need not be part of it either way. The definition of many of these words is often debated so I won't claim to have the only valid view. But I see the relationship between the practice of cuckolding or hot wifing and things like humiliation or other cuckold fetish activities as analogous to the relationship between sex and BDSM - they can go together but one does not automatically imply the other.

 

[savmitch1038]

So PW, what has your research revealed as to the reason why a red-blooded male like me would be ok with my SO being taken by many different men? I really have very little desire for another woman.

 

[policywank]

So PW, what has your research revealed as to the reason why a red-blooded male like me would be ok with my SO being taken by many different men? I really have very little desire for another woman.

In my view most men enjoy seeing the sexual aspects of their female partner. And men's appetite for that is quite high so the more the better. Her being with other men amps up the experience for the observer husband. It is natural for you to not only be ok with that but strongly desire it. This is the natural state of mind. The possessive and jealous sentiments that keep most men from embracing that state of mind is learned behaviour. In some men that natural state of mind wins out and in others the learned behaviour wins out. I think that in turn is affected by just how deeply entrenched that learned behaviour is, how strong the desires that are rooted in that natural state of mind are, how enlightened the man is and how in touch he is with his true self.

Many (probably most) men will never see past the learned behaviour so they won't ever embrace this point of view. They insist that their learned behaviour represents the natural state of mind and won't hear anything to the contrary. But it strikes me that part of the reason they will respond with hostility or intolerance to my idea of the natural state of mind is because it hits a little too close to home. I have often said that if conventional views on sex are so intrinsically correct then why does society need to enforce certain behaviours, impose certain expectations and punish those who don't comply?

I think that another key factor is the degree to which you as a man are truly dialled in to your wife's pleasure. Conventional thinking tends to lead men to think of their wife as a possession and perhaps even an object for his sexual pleasure. To the extent that her pleasure is even a consideration it is often because it reflects upon his sexual prowess. If you are truly interested in her pleasure and have an open mind it is nearly impossible to shut out the possibility that limiting her sexual experience to you also limits her pleasure - not because you aren't a good lover but because she is so fully capable of enjoying more activities with more men.

In my view, whether you have interest in or desire for other women is beside the point. Frankly, whether she has interest in or desire for other men is also beside the point. This sentiment is about the joy and satisfaction you take in seeing her as a fully formed sexual being. In a way it is not so different than if she was a pianist and you as her loving husband take joy in seeing her reach her full potential. Wouldn't it be natural to imagine her playing in front of an adoring audience rather than keeping her all to yourself?

So my conclusion is that your sentiments are perfectly natural, but you are less restrained by learned behaviour and conventional thinking than some other men. Maybe that is because your desire to fully embrace your wife's sexuality is stronger than it is for other men. Maybe the brainwashing of learned behaviour just didn't take hold in you as much as it did in others. Maybe you are just generally more enlightened. Or maybe your desire to see her true fulfilled is that much stronger in you. Or maybe some combination of all those things.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

I’d be interested to get your opinion on this. Cuckolding in the traditional sense was a wife cheating on a husband. Usually an unknowing husband. Over the last 10-15 yrs it has seemed to turn into a kink/fetish with willing participants. I could be wrong about this of course but this is just my anecdotal observation.

I feel this is due to the prevalence of readily accessible porn on the internet and filmakers tapping into that appetite or natural state of mind you alluded to. I consumed enough porn in my formative years to know that it wasn’t a “thing” back then. Not in porn movies that I remember and not in Penthouse Forum articles. It very well may have been a topic in the darker porn corners but nothing that I can ever recall.

I’m not naïve enough to believe that it wasn’t going on though. Just peruse the Sensuality pics thread. I’ve posted several pics of turn-of-the century European drawings that show people engaged in lots of activities that some of us thought we invented in the 60’s and 70’s!

Anyhow, thought it was germane to the topic.

 

[policywank]

I’d be interested to get your opinion on this. Cuckolding in the traditional sense was a wife cheating on a husband. Usually an unknowing husband. Over the last 10-15 yrs it has seemed to turn into a kink/fetish with willing participants. I could be wrong about this of course but this is just my anecdotal observation.

I feel this is due to the prevalence of readily accessible porn on the internet and filmakers tapping into that appetite or natural state of mind you alluded to. I consumed enough porn in my formative years to know that it wasn’t a “thing” back then. Not in porn movies that I remember and not in Penthouse Forum articles. It very well may have been a topic in the darker porn corners but nothing that I can ever recall.

I’m not naïve enough to believe that it wasn’t going on though. Just peruse the Sensuality pics thread. I’ve posted several pics of turn-of-the century European drawings that show people engaged in lots of activities that some of us thought we invented in the 60’s and 70’s!

Anyhow, thought it was germane to the topic.

Various forms of non-monogamy have been around forever. As you say there is a tendency to think of the 60's and 70's as the era when all the uptight sexual attitudes of the past were upended. Reality is that many of those conservative sexual attitudes that preceded the 60's and 70's had only existed for a few decades before that. By most measures the 1930's were more liberal than the 40's and 50's. Over the broader arc of history civilization has vacillated back and forth between very conservative and very liberal sexual attitudes. Roman orgies were happening literally thousands of years ago and they probably got it from someone else before that - I don't know but I am guessing that some of the people who participated in those events were not single.

It so happens that the word cuckold came about during a period in which monogamy was the norm and women were expected to be pure. So for a woman to cheat was scandalous and it was unthinkable that any husband who knew about it would tolerate it. I am sure some did but it just wasn't something that society would accept. While our sexual attitudes have changed since then one thing remains largely intact and that is the role that men expect to play in what is still a patriarchal society.

So let's step back and put cuckolding in context amongst the various forms of non-monogamy. Swingers have been around at least since the 60's. There have been people in open marriages that long as well. Obviously the woman's sexual purity or exclusivity aren't the priority for men in those relationships. So why would those arrangements be ok while cuckolding is not? Because cuckolding presents a threat to the man's perceived status and influence over his wife's sexual activity. In a swinger or open marriage situation the man is "letting" his wife have sex with other people on the condition that he have the same latitude. And in some cases, like partner swap, he may even try to engineer equal outcomes. But in a cuckolding situation the man does not have the same sexual latitude as his wife and is perceived as having less control over her sexual activities.

I don't know when your formative years were but I would say that for most of the past several decades while porn has become more ubiquitous it has been mostly geared towards men and the largest part of that audience still saw gender relations from a male-centric perspective. The practice of cuckolding does not fit with that inclination for men to control the narrative and set the rules. In most of the porn world women could be slutty and promiscuous but they must be judged negatively for doing so and/or only do so under the thumb of a man. Not only has the internet opened us all up to more fringe ideas but it has allowed us all to become anonymous - so the men that are intrigued by the idea of cuckolding can indulge it without fear of judgment from other men and it turns out it interests a lot more men than we ever imagined.

But is there also an issue of fairness? If a wife is fucking other men why should her husband not be able to pursue other women. I think he should if he wants to. But I haven't come across anyone who is interested in this lifestyle - man or woman - who advocates denying the husband that if it is what he wants. In every couple I have come across the man doesn't want to pursue other women but does want his wife to pursue other men. There are a litany of reasons for that and of course they are all individual, but the premise that every man would want to have equal latitude does not hold up to the evidence. Some couples engage in the fetish that he is being denied. But that is effectively emotional or psychological BDSM - it isn't part of cuckolding any more so than BDSM is part of every sexual relationship - and it is something both partners enjoy. It may not look like it on the surface in the same way that a Dom spanking a Sub looks like assault, but we can all comprehend that it is really consensual and enjoyed by both parties.

So while the prevalence of readily accessible porn is a factor I think it goes beyond that to include the fact that the democratization of what is available and the fact that we can access it anonymously has loosened the grip that male dominated society has on how other men and women should think.

 

[policywank]

I think it comes down to "whoever wants sex the most is under the control of the other partner." If I'm craving more more an more erotic experiences, my GF can control me and use my turn ons and fetishes against me.



Yes, but it would have meant her giving me even less attention and sexual gratification. If I had another GF, I would give up my few privileges with my mistress.



Both. Not spoken out fully at first, but more and more "rules" were added on an ongoing basis.



More dominant



Yes. We can both approach and/or bring home other guys. Only she can approach and/or bring home women or I will be limited even further.



Yes. She pushes the limits ever closer to cross than line I don't wean to cross, but of course I do.



I don't think she chose to. I was the first to introduce kinky fetishes and she just took and over and went further and further with it.


90% sex partners, 10% friends. Some of them are friends of mine and we are all more equal. Some are not my friends and there is more of a pecking order with me at the bottom.


Multiple. she doesn't typically use those terms.


Neither. Basically equal.


It's exciting because she uses my fetishes to push my limits.

I would like to tell you about my fetishes, if you are interested.

Yes please do tell me about all of them. Here is fine or in PM.

 

[savmitch1038]

In my view most men enjoy seeing the sexual aspects of their female partner. And men's appetite for that is quite high so the more the better. Her being with other men amps up the experience for the observer husband. It is natural for you to not only be ok with that but strongly desire it. This is the natural state of mind. The possessive and jealous sentiments that keep most men from embracing that state of mind is learned behaviour. In some men that natural state of mind wins out and in others the learned behaviour wins out. I think that in turn is affected by just how deeply entrenched that learned behaviour is, how strong the desires that are rooted in that natural state of mind are, how enlightened the man is and how in touch he is with his true self.

Many (probably most) men will never see past the learned behaviour so they won't ever embrace this point of view. They insist that their learned behaviour represents the natural state of mind and won't hear anything to the contrary. But it strikes me that part of the reason they will respond with hostility or intolerance to my idea of the natural state of mind is because it hits a little too close to home. I have often said that if conventional views on sex are so intrinsically correct then why does society need to enforce certain behaviours, impose certain expectations and punish those who don't comply?

I think that another key factor is the degree to which you as a man are truly dialled in to your wife's pleasure. Conventional thinking tends to lead men to think of their wife as a possession and perhaps even an object for his sexual pleasure. To the extent that her pleasure is even a consideration it is often because it reflects upon his sexual prowess. If you are truly interested in her pleasure and have an open mind it is nearly impossible to shut out the possibility that limiting her sexual experience to you also limits her pleasure - not because you aren't a good lover but because she is so fully capable of enjoying more activities with more men.

In my view, whether you have interest in or desire for other women is beside the point. Frankly, whether she has interest in or desire for other men is also beside the point. This sentiment is about the joy and satisfaction you take in seeing her as a fully formed sexual being. In a way it is not so different than if she was a pianist and you as her loving husband take joy in seeing her reach her full potential. Wouldn't it be natural to imagine her playing in front of an adoring audience rather than keeping her all to yourself?

So my conclusion is that your sentiments are perfectly natural, but you are less restrained by learned behaviour and conventional thinking than some other men. Maybe that is because your desire to fully embrace your wife's sexuality is stronger than it is for other men. Maybe the brainwashing of learned behaviour just didn't take hold in you as much as it did in others. Maybe you are just generally more enlightened. Or maybe your desire to see her true fulfilled is that much stronger in you. Or maybe some combination of all those things.

PW, you truly are one of the most intelligent and sexy people I've ever had the pleasure to chat with! I certainly would love to meet and talk with you in person.

Best,

 

[policywank]

I love going nude in public places. Private or semi public places, as well. Nude or clothing optional beaches, of course. But, I also find other places to be nude.

I love to wear certain revealing clothes in public, semi public or private places. Particularly, bikini/thong/g-string bathing suits, panties, short-shorts (loose or tight) running tights or leggings, really tight jeans. I like the clothes in a variety of fabrics like mesh, Lycra, vinyl, sheer, wet-look, etc.

I’m physically fit and in shape enough to wear these things. I would give myself an 8 out of 10 for looks.

I love CFNM/CMNM ( clothed female naked male and clothed male naked male). I like it when I am nude around people who are wearing clothes or bathing suits. I prefer clothing optional beaches for that reason but of course I still love all nude beaches or resorts.

I love to be seen with an erection or masturbating by one or more people. I love to be seen getting a handjob, or any sex acts, but especially jacking off or handjobs. I am a compulsive masturbator.

I like light humiliation or submissiveness. Such as a woman making fun of me when wearing a small mens bathing suit or panties. I also like the attention without the humiliation. It’s funny that some women I meet see me in a thong and think I’m a masculine stud. The next woman might think I’m a sissy.

I consider myself straight but it doesn’t bother me being around gay men nude or in thongs. I never come in to them but sometimes I feel like I’m teasing them. Gay man rarely come in to me enemy though they look at me. I feel like they generally assume I am straight.

There are probably more fetishes I’m forgetting.

So, a woman that will flirt with me on the beach when I am nude or wearing a thong can get me to anything. I love getting into long flirty conversations when I’m nude or in a thong. I like when they ask me why I wear tiny bathing suits and of course I love when they look at my cock and ass.

I used to hide all this from women I dated, waiting for the right time to reveal some things little by little. Most were not OK with it and it was back to square one.

As I got older (now in my late 40’s) I would be more up front about it. Not pre-emptively, but I would wear a speedo if we were going to a swimming pool, or wear thong underwear on a date, short shorts to go running or exercise, etc...

I’ve had GF’s who were cool with me wearing speedos, mens bikinis or even thongs. When they realized it was a sexual fetish, they started daring me to take it further. for instance: Wear a smaller bathing suit, wear underwear instead of a bathing suit, wear a women's bikini bottom…jack off for her, JO where I might get caught, JO in front of a guy or her friend. JO with a guy. Jack off a guy.

Wear panties around the house, answer the door in panties, let someone else see me in panties, wear them when her friend comes over, when my friend comes over. Jack off for her wearing panties.

Invite my guy friend over that likes to wear thong sand panties, jack off together, let her friend watch, suck each other, take a strap on, etc, etc.

During this process which escalates the sexual thrill for me, she sees me as toy to play with, but she needs attention as well. She begins to crave an alpha male who will worship and give her a good fucking without all the games. OR, she has her cake and eats too. Keep her play toy AND her stud. Of course anything that turns her on is all good for the Stud. In fact, maybe it turns him on also.

Eventually when the novelty wears off, she just has to break off the relationship with me. We both start a new adventure.

The constant for me is always looking for places and situations to fulfill my fetishes. When I am between GF's, I still need to feed these desires.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[policywank]

PW, you truly are one of the most intelligent and sexy people I've ever had the pleasure to chat with! I certainly would love to meet and talk with you in person.

Best,

Thank you very much. That is a lovely thing to say. I do enjoy chatting about most things.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

PW, you truly are one of the most intelligent and sexy people I've ever had the pleasure to chat with! I certainly would love to meet and talk with you in person.

Best,

Concur! Refer to the “Smart is Hot” thread.

 

[policywank]

Thank you for all the great answers here and in my private messages. I have two follow-up questions:

1. Does anybody have examples of issues or problems that have arisen in their cuckold lifestyle and how they were addressed?

2. Many of the people I have talked to here and elsewhere who are in the lifestyle say they could never go back to a traditional monogamous relationship. Or those who's relationship has trended back to traditional or been replaced by a traditional relationship wish they were back in a cuckold relationship. Are those sentiments that you share and if so why?

 

[BBCfan]

Thank you for all the great answers here and in my private messages. I have two follow-up questions:

1. Does anybody have examples of issues or problems that have arisen in their cuckold lifestyle and how they were addressed?

2. Many of the people I have talked to here and elsewhere who are in the lifestyle say they could never go back to a traditional monogamous relationship. Or those who's relationship has trended back to traditional or been replaced by a traditional relationship wish they were back in a cuckold relationship. Are those sentiments that you share and if so why?

Although not in lifestyle, when I pushed the idea with wife she eventually told me if I needed that kind of relationship, she was not the one for me.

Hearing the addictive nature of this lifestyle, perhaps it's best I didn't taste of this forbidden fruit other than the time she elaborately "fake cucked" me for a weekend to try and scare the growing cuck fantasies out of me.

It worked somewhat initially but then caused me to fantasize more to replicate that feeling I had when I truly thought she had cucked me.

 

[policywank]

Although not in lifestyle, when I pushed the idea with wife she eventually told me if I needed that kind of relationship, she was not the one for me.

Hearing the addictive nature of this lifestyle, perhaps it's best I didn't taste of this forbidden fruit other than the time she elaborately "fake cucked" me for a weekend to try and scare the growing cuck fantasies out of me.

It worked somewhat initially but then caused me to fantasize more to replicate that feeling I had when I truly thought she had cucked me.

That aligns with a lot of what I hear from men. There are challenging emotional and psychological aspects to cuckolding that can be difficult to accept or embrace, but they are simultaneously titillating and exciting. Some guys speak of every element of their body and mind being alive. It can be frightening and intimidating, but once they realize everything is going to be alright they want to experience it again and again. There also seems to sometimes be undertones of submissiveness (although not necessarily) as man who has been taught to reject infidelity just takes it and embraces it and gives in to it.

 

[Scareltt]

My thoughts..

Sorry but I changed the language in the questions..

1. Does anybody have examples of issues or problems that have arisen in their “Shared Wife” lifestyle and how they were addressed?

A lot of the problems are created in the beginning when you’re navigating something new. Like probably everyone we had a bunch of “rules”.

No more than 6 dates with a particular person. No overnights, or out of town trips. No sex in our house, condoms must be used all the time, no this, no that. All these rules were put in place (and on paper) so my husband would feel comfortable. They also gave me comfort. If the person I was seeing said. “How about just the tip? Or Why don’t you just stay over.” I could just tell them the rules forbid that.

The problem comes when I felt like I’d want to break a rule. What I learned was if I wait and work to change the rules with my husband as we went it made things easier for both of us. Plus some of them were silly.

What I did was slowly change the rules as we went. I’d explain why I felt a rule needed to be changed. Then I’d ask my husband why we had that rule in the first place. From there we’d agree on how that rule would be changed or eliminated. It’s an ongoing process.

The next issue was dealing with my husbands fear of the unknown. Whenever there was someone new. Even though I’ve been dating for years whenever I go out with someone new it’s still the same thing he worries I’m going to leave him for this person.


2. Many of the people I have talked to here and elsewhere who are in the lifestyle say they could never go back to a traditional monogamous relationship. Or those who's relationship has trended back to traditional or been replaced by a traditional relationship wish they were back in a Shared Wife relationship. Are those sentiments that you share and if so why?

If my husband said. “Let’s stop this silliness, and be tradition again.” I’d do it for him, but it would be hard.

 

[magic_rat]

What led you to the role of cuckold? Is it something that you were drawn to right away or did it take a long time to build in your mind/heart? Did you initiate? Your wife initiate? Or perhaps some event (such as cheating) kicked it off?

It was maybe conditioning? It took me a while to figure it out as a teenager but my mother was a shared wife. My father had polaroids of her with other men. A lot of the porn mags he had had letters and stories about wives who'd open their legs for strangers. It became a sexual ideal for me, a woman so open to sex that they'd fuck other men and let me watch.

Was there ever a point at which reciprocity (i.e. both sides of the marriage open) was a consideration? If not why did you never consider pursuing other women? If it was a consideration what led you to leave that behind and embrace being a cuckold?

Reciprocity was a variable thing. A few times she'd come home from a party with a young woman in tow, someone for us both to enjoy. We would swing, when we both did our thing, but that was a separate activity to her being what now is called a hotwife.

Is the role of cuckold and the attendant limitation on your sexual activities with other women something that is defined by an explicit agreement with your wife or just something that came to be in an unspoken way?

Habits evolve.

Did your wife's attitude or approach to your personal interactions change in any way after she started cuckolding you?

No

Do you and your wife have any rules associated with her sexual activities with other men? How have they evolved over time? What is the purpose of those rules?

We never bothered with rules. We were both adults, we knew each other's needs, and we had trust.

Do you engage in fetish play? Do you want to? How has that evolved over time?

We used to, I still do.

Why did your wife choose to cuckold you?

I offered her the opportunity. She was a very sexual person. At uni she had a reputation for being easy. That excited me. One of my friends told me how him and another guy had taken turns on her at a party. I just encouraged her to behave as she had when she was single.

What is it that she seeks from other men?

Excitement. Orgasms. Variety.

What is her "type" when choosing a sexual partner if you can define it?

It has always been mr 'right now' rather than mr right.

Are her lovers purely sex partners or does she have a greater connection to them? Can you tell me anything about those relationships?

Until the lifestyle lost its appeal for her, lovers were purely sexual. Some became friends. for the last 10 years she has had a regular lover. They are close, but have little in common and I think the attraction on her side is based largely on the size of his cock.

Does your wife have multiple lovers or one boyfriend? How does she feel about the term "bull" as opposed to "lover" or "boyfriend"?

She always had multiple lovers, often one night stands. I don't think back in our 20s we'd have even known what a bull was.

Is she in control in her extra-marital sexual relationships or is she more submissive with the other men?

She is generally submissive

What is it that you enjoy about being a cuckold and how has that evolved over time?

I enjoy women enjoying total sexual freedom. I used to love watching one of my friends fuck her, knowing that word will get around. Later I'd love taking her to a party and 'losing' her. Once I tracked her down and found her being spit roast by 2 guys with another 3 in the room in various states of undress. There have been many 'phases' and I've loved all of them.

Cuckold was never a term we used. There was no internet so that kind of information was not there for us. We were young and married and having adventures. It excited me that my friends knew that my wife fucked around with my approval.

 

[JR284]

What led you to the role of cuckold? Is it something that you were drawn to right away or did it take a long time to build in your mind/heart? Did you initiate? Your wife initiate? Or perhaps some event (such as cheating) kicked it off?

The fantasy of sharing my wife initially stemmed from a desire for her to be more sexual. When I met my wife, she was quite conservative and inexperienced. Very different from the type of women I was used to dating. I started to fantasize about her having this secret slutty side to her that came out whenever she traveled or was out with friends. What actually got us into the lifestyle was a combination of her discovering my fantasy, and subsequently admitting to me that she had been cheating on me. Although I was completely caught off guard, I was extremely turned on and it only made sense to dive into the lifestyle at that point.



Was there ever a point at which reciprocity (i.e. both sides of the marriage open) was a consideration? If not why did you never consider pursuing other women? If it was a consideration what led you to leave that behind and embrace being a cuckold?

When we first started, my wife insisted that we try a fully open relationship. Personally, I didn't really have any interest in pursuing other women, but I agreed in order to move forward with trying things out. Nothing came of it at first, but eventually I did meet someone and got to the point where I was going to meet up with her at a hotel for some fun. Before I left the house though, I could tell that my wife was not handling it well. Even though she said that everything was fine, it was obvious that it was really bothering her. As a result, I decided not to go through with it. I didn't want to do something that she would end up resenting me for long-term. A couple of hours of fun just didn't seem worth it. My wife at that point assumed that I would want her to stop seeing other guys, but that wasn't the case at all. In fact I almost begged her not to stop because it was such a massive turn on to me. People think it's unfair, in fact even my wife said that it wouldn't be fair for her to have fun but not me, but for me the fantasy was never about me getting to be with other women. It was solely about the idea of her being with other men so to me, it wasn't a big deal for it to be one-sided. If anything, that's what led to her being more open to some of the things that I had been wanting such as getting to watch in person, more pictures or video updates from her when she was on dates, and overall a bit more involvement. So in the end it was a win-win.



Is the role of cuckold and the attendant limitation on your sexual activities with other women something that is defined by an explicit agreement with your wife or just something that came to be in an unspoken way?

It's something that we explicitly talked about.



Did your wife's attitude or approach to your personal interactions change in any way after she started cuckolding you?

Yes, but in a very positive way. She started to become a lot more open sexually. The shyness that she had when we met started to melt away and started to feel a lot more comfortable with admitting what turned her on, sharing her fantasies, once, and needs with me, and also becoming a lot more attentive to my own fantasies and desires.



Do you and your wife have any rules associated with her sexual activities with other men? How have they evolved over time? What is the purpose of those rules?

When we first started, I did try establishing a ton of rules. However, we quickly realized that having rules for her were just leading to frustration and arguments. A lot of the rules were really more about me trying to control her and the entire situation. As a result, she often felt like she couldn't truly enjoy herself and was constantly thinking about what she could and couldn't do instead of just being in the moment. On the other hand, I actually found it extremely hot whenever she would end up breaking one of those rules. So, instead of just getting rid of all of the rules, we made it a little bit more fun and left them on the table, but made it apart of our own play for her to break those rules. Nowadays the only rule that we really have is about her being safe. And by safe I don't mean condoms, I mean physical safety. Someone needs to know her whereabouts at all times. Either me, or her best friend. She also has GPS enabled on her phone so at any given time we can find her if needed. Other than that, she's free to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants.





Why did your wife choose to cuckold you? What is it that she seeks from other men? What is her "type" when choosing a sexual partner if you can define it?

For her, the cheating started because of a combination of a bit of peer pressure from a new friend she made at work, attention from a good looking coworker, curiosity, and alcohol. Once she did it once, she was hooked though and wanted more and more. She enjoyed the attention of other men and the feeling of "conquering" a guy. She also admitted to enjoying the thrill of cheating for a bit, but mostly, she started to feel confident in a way that she never had before. She liked feeling desired and looked at as a sexual object. Her "type" is tall, tatted, leans towards Latino and black men, in decent shape and does enjoy well endowed men.



Are her lovers purely sex partners or does she have a greater connection to them? Can you tell me anything about those relationships?

Yes, it is purely sexual for her though she does look for a connection with them. Not an intimate or deep connection, but certainly must be able to hang out over drinks with a natural chemistry. She prefers one time encounters or short term at most. There have been a couple of longer term relationships but they were either out of convenience, or infrequent hookups.




Does your wife have multiple lovers or one boyfriend? How does she feel about the term "bull" as opposed to "lover" or "boyfriend"?

She prefers to have multiple partners. She hates the term "bull". To her, it's like she's dating as if she were single. She says if she were single dating around, the guys would just be guys, not bulls so why call them bulls just because she's married? I agree with her btw but I understand it's terminology used in the lifestyle. She also doesn't like hooking up with men that consider themselves bulls. She prefers to just hookup with "normal" guys.



Is she in control in her extra-marital sexual relationships or is she more submissive with the other men?

She is in control in the sense that she determines when and where they have sex. In bed, she's always been submissive.



What is it that you enjoy about being a cuckold and how has that evolved over time?

At first, the arousal purely came from me wanting her to be more sexual. I loved knowing that she was being promiscuous and that other men got to enjoy her. I also enjoyed showing her off and knowing that she was being looked at whenever we were out. Over time though, as we got more and more into the lifestyle, we both started to enjoy other aspects of it. Our favorite part is actually the lead-up to her going on a date. We pick out her outfit together, her underwear or lingerie, will shower together, I will help her get ready by bathing her and shaving her, we have incredible sex beforehand, and lots of teasing and talking while she gets ready. We've also recently gotten into having me "clean her up".

 

[lc69hunter]

1. I had always wanted to see my wife have sex with another man and that fantasy evolved into her cuckolding me. but she said that was never going to happen because she loved me and couldn’t see herself humiliating me like that. that changed at a super bowl party when a really arrogant friend of ours that she didn’t even like kept hitting on her all game and by the 4th quarter she was in our bed having sex with him .

2. Never another women. My wife has always said she couldn’t deal with me being with a different women so it was never pursued. I’m naturally submissive so I fell right into the cuckold role.

3. It’s definitely an agreement. She is able to be with others I am faithful.

4. Yes everything changed she is in charge of everything from household finances to raising our daughter.( she is 18 and has know for a while that we are in a cuckold relationship)

5. 2 rules one was condoms must always be used. That has changed a couple years into there relationship as her main boyfriend didn’t like condoms so he told her either no condom or no him. He also didn’t like that I got to have sex with her without one so he talked her into making me wear one so now I wear the condom and he gets her bareback . The other is I have no say in what men she has sex with. The rules are there so I know who is in charge.

6. I don’t quite know what is described as a fetish. One thing she does do is she will put me in a chastity device and then give the key to someone who it will be humiliating to ask for the key back. One person she loves to give it to is my mother who loves her boyfriend almost as much as she loves me I think. I also am made to wear women's panties , all thongs..

7. When she first cuckolded me I think it was to please me but she quickly found she love it as much as I do. What she seeks from other men is dominance I don’t have it in me and she has grown to love a dominant man to take charge of her even though she hates that part on her a little bit cause she is very much a pro strong independent woman type. Her type is dominant almost arrogant man with average to slightly below average looks. Must have a bigger cock then me.

8. Most are just lovers but she does have one main boyfriend ( the one from the party) . She is completely submissive to him and he dominants her . He gets he do do things I can only dream about. He is always welcome at our house and even goes on vacation with us when he can. He recently took my wife and daughter on a cruise when i couldn’t go.

9. She has multiple lovers but one boyfriend. Her lovers she will call both bulls or lovers depending on what they prefer but her boyfriend is always called her boyfriend.

10. She is completely submissive to them. They have total control over her.

11. I just enjoy watching dominant men do thing to my wife that I can’t do . I get off on it almost as much as she does while she is with them. At this point Neither me nor my wife could be in a normal relationship .


I have been fortunate to correspond with many people on Lit and elsewhere and IRL on the topic of being a hot wife or cuckold. I am thinking of publishing a new piece primarily on my anecdotal observations about the cuckold's perspective. I have gathered a lot of content just from discussion with you all, but I would like to ask a few questions specifically in order to get your feedback. Please feel free to post here or PM me. For this purpose I think of a hot wife/cuckold relationship as simply being one in which her side of the marriage is open but his is not. And I am directing these questions at actual cuckolds as well as aspiring cuckolds. The input of actual or aspiring hit wives is also welcome.

I have been the boyfriend/lover in many cuckold relationships (I always preferred the loving consensual kind) and veered away from those that devolved into fetish or hard core humiliation. Maybe because of that, I have rarely seen what you describe. 1) The cuckold relationship rarely left the bedroom. They were normal husband and wife, doing husband and wife things. 2) I never saw chastity or denial, and never saw the husband being forced to wear a condom while I got her bareback, except for once when they were playing the pregnancy risk game. 3) The wives I was with were rarely submissive. 4) There is always humiliation. That comes with the territory. How deep depends upon the couple involved. 5) Did I get my cocked sucked or cleaned occasionally? Yes. That was part of the humiliation, but also, aside from that, the wife thought it was so hot seeing her husband suck a cock, especially her lover's. Those were my experiences. Like I said, I veered away from the extremes.

 

[2tallpaul]

The first time we had a three way with a second female, I knew she needed more. The first dp and watching her with two men, I thought, this is her. It's great understanding what she needs and one man is not enough. Our relationship has never been so satisfying.