An Unlikely Affair (closed for Initiate_me)

[Initiate_me]

I spent the next few hours busy and tried to feel better and did, a little. I told myself I couldn't deal with this right now, that I owed Joe nothing at all, that we were too different. I repeated these mantras throughout the day and they sunk into me and rested with me and I mostly believed them.

I had calls from my father but, with some willpower, ignored them. Unheard of for me- I imagined how angry he would be, never used to me failing to answer, and it scared me a bit and made me happier. I felt more in control as the hours ticked by. I knew what I felt and I knew where it hurt., That could be the first step. I could do this.

I had decided there would be no re-run of the failed grand opening of the gallery. But with partners and artists and distinguished supporters re-assured, I was confident the dream would move forward. Deb texted to say how happy she felt after hearing that we were moving forward and it felt good to give someone some decent news for once and I wondered if we could be better friends. If I could trust her more. It might be nice.

 

[PapaRomantic]

The only thing that saved me was my work shift, but because of my injuries, I was relegated to desk duty, checking reports to make sure they were complete, and answering the non-emergency phone line into the station. It was mundane, but it was just what I needed.

I also made plans to go pick up my kids tomorrow and bring them to the city for a fun day of exploration, since my days off started up again. Four days in a row, which means when I worked next, I should be back to regular duty.

So between the boring reports and the very occasional phone call, I planned for the day. Finally, something to smile about!

 

[Initiate_me]

The evening hit and I drove home alone. I had dinner and pretended to watch TV and then tried really hard to watch TV and then gave up on watching TV. My mind was jittery and I needed to calm it. I poured a powerful glass of vodka and orange and sat down on my bed with a mellow playlist on.

Another two glasses later and I was feeling pretty good. My phone rang and I answered it by reflex, forgetting that I had been trying to ignore everyone.

"Honey, it's me, how's it going?" Pierce sounded confident as ever, possibly a little more intense than usual.

"Nothing much really," I said and I tried not to slur any words and I was fairly sure I didn't, fairly sure I wasn't at that point of drinking yet.

"So..... I've been thinking about you a lot." He paused and I was supposed to fill that inviting gap but I didn't. "It was fun last time I saw you. We should do that again, yeah?"

"Maybe, I-"

"-And this time you can get on your knees for me like the good little bitch you are, yeah?" He interrupted me and I took another sip of vodka. "I know you can suck some good dick, it's been a while but it's not something I'd forget in a hurry! I want those soft lips around my cock and I know you love it so don't even try and deny it."

I wasn't sure what to say to this so I mumbled something non-committal and drained the glass.

"So what do you think honey? Shall I come round? I promise I'm clean.... we can see how far down your throat I can get this thing," He laughed and I wondered if he was drinking too, if he was alone or if I was on speaker-phone with his idiotic friends laughing at me."

"Yeah well, you know me," I said flatly. "Just a regular slut, giving it away."

"You sure are honey. I love your tight little body, throwing you around.... just can't seem to get enough. But I reckon I've been too gentle with you- I bet you like it rough really- am I right? I bet you'd love it if I knocked you about a bit, if I made you cry."

I closed my eyes and reached for the remote to turn up the music and let it wash over me.

"Clarissa..... are you there? Honey? Shall I come round then?"

I ended the call and stretched out on the bed. It was 9:25pm.

 

[PapaRomantic]

The evening drug slowly, but I was pleased with my progress for tomorrow, and I started to get excited about what I had planned. We'd get to the city by about 11:00 a.m., so it was going to be early lunch at McDonalds (even though I couldn't stand the place myself), followed by an afternoon at the downtown Children's Science Museum, with lots of hands-on opportunities for Suzie and Joey to explore, followed by supper at Chuck E. Cheeses, before taking them back to their mom's house. It would be a perfect day....and a great way to forget about Clarissa.

 

[Initiate_me]

There didn't seem to be much else to do so I kept on drinking. I'd never been one to drink alone but tonight it didn't seem so bad. Why did everyone make such a big deal out of drinking on your own? If there was a friend there droning on about how her boyfriend ignores her and she hates his other, or whatever, does that make it better? The alcohol is the same, and it doesn't judge.

I thought about a lot of things and I thought about Joe. If I'd used him. If I hadn't. If it mattered either way. If life was just about taking and not giving. Soon I was quite far gone and the room was moving on its own a bit. A bit too much. I reached for the glass but knocked it over and the pale orange liquid ran across the carpet and coloured it and I wondered if I could become an alcoholic or if I would fail at that too. It surely couldn't be too hard. I could give it a go. I could balance it with running the gallery. It might help me. Not a serious alcoholic, being sick and coming to work wrecked. But a high-functioning one, with a flask in the desk and a full drinks cupboard waiting at home. That could work. Who was going to stop me, really?

 

[PapaRomantic]

It was just after midnight. My long, boring shift of paperwork was finally over. Off for the next four days, the first would be spent tomorrow with my kids. The plans were set - we would have a much-needed bonding day with each other.

As I drove to the apartment, my thoughts were running wild, bouncing back and forth between our day tomorrow, my ex Kristy, and Clarissa. I always think about my kids and their mom, because I still feel horrible about leaving them for my own selfish reasons. Those thoughts were intensified with the news that Kristy and her new friend were apparently becoming an item.

But the thought that troubled me most was Clarissa. I wanted her to go away. I wanted to never think about her again. In the short time we had known each other, she had been the highs of my life, as well as the lows. I wondered if there every truly was a middle for Clarissa. I wondered what she'd be like if she ever found that safe spot.

The last thought I had before sleep came must have been a dream....it was a vision of Clarissa, reaching up to me and calling out, "Help, Joe....help me....."

 

[Initiate_me]

Morning hit me round the head and it stung and ached. I opened my eyes and light was mocking through because I had forgotten to close the curtain. My head hurt and I felt a bit sick and waited a moment but then felt more sick.

I swayed clumsily to the bathroom and washed my face, then to the kitchen for water which I gulped down like a deserter in the desert. I didn't want this every day. But I reasoned that if I was an alcoholic in moderation and not a binge-drinker then I would be okay. All I really needed was a softener. Some padding. Drink could be that and I could control it. It seemed so sensible and I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before.

I decided to have rules. Rules were important. No more than three drinks at a time. No drinking before mid-day. Those were good safe rules and I was proud of them. I went to get dressed.

 

[PapaRomantic]

Up early...for the first time in a while, I felt excitement as the day greeted me. I hurriedly showered and shaved...being careful to avoid the cuts and nicks that still marked my face. I jumped into the truck and headed west, to the town 30 miles away where my kids lived.

It was amazing how something planned like my day with my kids had changed my outlook. Even if it was just for this day alone, the excitement I felt pushed aside the roadblocks to my happiness. My kids were my life, and being with them today was going to be restorative for my heart and soul.

They were on the front porch of Kristy's house - our house - when I arrived, and when they saw me, they started jumping up and down with excitement! I nearly cried....

Clarissa could go to hell - this is what I was supposed to be doing. Being a father to my two beautiful kids topped everything!

 

[Initiate_me]

Bed and the rest of the team greeted me with kind smiles at the gallery and I felt ridiculously grateful. These people I could almost trust. I remembered the missing money incident but it hardly seemed important. Money was easy. Money came and went and came again, in heaps. People were more difficult.

The staff readied the gallery, cleaning and organising and checking, while I made a few calls- the sort of friendly, flirtatious tone that had served me well as my father's company's PR face. I had no idea when I was expected to return to that role and hoped never, but now I was focused only on drawing in a few wealthy and influential art-lovers to visit. To look and to nod and to approve and to buy, but most importantly to pass on a good word. We would survive with approving tales from these people, spread around their friends and business partners and relatives.

 

[PapaRomantic]

I run to the kids and pick each of them up and spin them around. Such unconditional love - being a daddy is so amazing to these great little wonders. Kristy comes out and we talk about the day...more specifically what time I'll have them back. I'm sure this is because she has a date planned with Steve....is that his name? It doesn't matter. But I tell her I will keep them until late so she can have time for herself.

She's still a stunner....every time I see her now, I curse myself, wondering why I could never love her like she deserved? Damn it Joe, you weren't going to get this way - put her out of your mind and get these kids loaded up and on the road.

We make our first stop at the McDonalds closest to my apartment. Their play place is already busy, but I know my kids can get along and will still have a good time. We stay there until about 12:30, then make a quick stop at my apartment for a restroom break, before heading to the Science Museum. It's about 1:30 when we park in the garage and make our way inside. We are ALL excited to see what is in store for us.

 

[Initiate_me]

I saw Dr Martinez enter, led by Deb, and I smiled and it felt genuine for a change. He was a decent man- some called him dull and they were right because he was often was dull and looked dull and lived a dull life, but that didn't make him a bad man. In fact he was a good one. Quite kind. Quite understanding. I wasn't surprised that he had made the effort.

"Dr Martinez, it's wonderful to see you again," I said and gave him a big smile as he took my hand, his eyes wandering to the paintings around us.

"It's my pleasure to be here Clarissa. I was sorry to miss the opening, it certainly sounded.... action-packed. That's what you kids say, isn't it? Action packed."

"I'm glad you didn't have to endure it Doctor, it was... humiliating, to be honest. Hopefully everyone's forgotten it already. Or will do soon."

He looked at me with kind eyes. "I'm sure they will. I for one couldn't resist visiting- I'm actually on my lunch break, I just drove over from the hospital." He was admiring the tiger painting in particular and it animated his features and I knew that if the pieces I had chose could have this effect then I would be okay, I could make this work.

 

[PapaRomantic]

The kids went wild! It was so much fun bringing them here. They had so many interactive activities, each exploring a different aspect of science in a fun and creative way. It was all I could do to keep up, until they found a station to stop at and explore. It was going to be easy to stay active until the museum closed at 6:00.

There was no time for any other thought. All I could do was follow and watch and marvel at these two little gifts with which I was blessed. I bet I took over 100 pictures on my phone - memories I would keep and treasure.

 

[Initiate_me]

Deb stood by me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"It's going to work Clarissa, I just know it is. You've created something wonderful."

"Thank you Deb- I couldn't have done it without you," I said and I meant it. I felt better,more peaceful without thoughts of Joe and Pierce circling my mind like sharks.

 

[PapaRomantic]

It was closing time, and even though the kids were sad to leave, I could tell that they were starting to run down. Perfect, I thought - wear them out, just in time to take them back to their mother.

We were walking to the parking garage, talking about our impending dinner at Chuck E. Cheese's, when Suzie piped up - "Daddy, can we get some ice cream first?!"

Soon Joey was joining in. Normally I wouldn't even think of letting them eat ice cream before supper. But I knew they were having such a great time, and this would be an extension of that. And I liked ice cream as well!

I knew there was a shop downtown, so we set out to find it. As I looked up and down each street, I suddenly shuddered....we were across the street from Clarissa's gallery.

 

[Initiate_me]

We had a steady flow of visitors. Only a couple at a time but that was to be expected- and preferred. Our clientele wanted to wander along, with time and space and the occasional complementary glass of champagne. My father called and this time I answered and gave him a brief overview of how things were going and reassured him and then listened for a while to him complain about one of his stocks advisors. I knew I still needed to find a way to deal with my family, to gain some kind of control.

I locked the door to the office and gave in to the call of the desk drawer, the second from bottom. Removing the flask, I only paused for a moment before drinking and even that was more because I felt I ought to pause, ought to at least pretend to have doubts about it. It tasted clean and good and I drank just enough for the warm glow and buzz inside and then I straightened my hair in the mirror and adjusted my short scarlet dress, re-arranged my gold necklace, and went back out to make conversation with an old banker about a piece showing children running through an abstract field of blue grass and silver flowers.

 

[PapaRomantic]

I pulled on the kids harder as we walked across the street to avoid the gallery. I could tell their mood changed, but I couldn't stop to tell them why.

When we were directly across, the door opened, and I recognized Deb, escorting a gallery guest out. She stared at me for a few seconds, and then remembered who I was. She was so friendly, so when she waved at me, I was not surprised.

Maybe she could help me, so I yelled across the street - "Where is the ice cream shop? Are we close?"

Deb pointed and said, "Around the corner - keep going and turn left."

I thanked her with a wave and we continued. Sure enough - there it was, just as Deb said. The kids saw it and got excited, enough so that the attack of nerves I was having seemed to abate a little.

 

[Initiate_me]

"It's quite something, isn't it," He said in a booming voice and I could tell it was put-on, to sound loud and important. Not unusual around here. "I just love the..... erm.... colours. And the artist, he's...... erm.... done something with the background, yes? Blurred it out somehow to, erm, make an effect. Right?"

I smiled and didn't bother to correct him, that the artist was a woman from a small town in the French Alpes. Men like that didn't much like being corrected. "Yes, you're exactly right. It's all to create an illusion of proximity, for the subjects, the children, to be close while also seeming to be on the brink of disappearing. As if they're playing and as if they're escaping something."

"Aren't we all?" He said with a smug grin because he clearly thought he had hit on something profound.

"Yes, we are. What are you trying to escape?"

He swigged champagne and looked around as if hoping for someone to magically appear and refill the glass. "My wife. A total bitch. What I really need is a nice young woman to.... indulge my niche interests. Do you know anyone?"

I looked at him and wasn't particularly surprised, this was a fairly standard question from these men. I shrugged and took the champagne flute from him.

"I'll let you know if anyone springs to mind," I said and walked away.

 

[PapaRomantic]

It was cute, but annoying...the decision-making process at the ice cream shop was fun to watch if it was somebody else's kids trying to decide, but not so much if it is your own kids. We went through each flavor a couple of times so they could hear their choices, and even then I'm not sure they got them all. They finally settled on a cone for each of them, and I ordered a shake.

As we sat down to eat our ice cream, I thought back to the day we had so far. The science museum was incredible. It would definitely be on our list of things to do again. In fact, I imagine as busy as the kids were inside, we may have only had time to see about half of it.

But I let myself lose those positive feelings when I saw the art gallery as we made our way to the ice cream shop. Seeing Deb had been nice - and truthfully, she was never less than polite and friendly during the grand opening and subsequent investigation into the money theft. I could see myself being friends with Deb - she had a great personality and was more than helpful, as she demonstrated today.

But the gallery will always be equated with Clarissa. I wondered if she was actually inside - I wasn't even sure they were open after the disaster of a grand opening they had. It was best not to find out if she was there, I thought to myself, because the last thing I needed was to have a scene created in front of my kids.

I conceded that we had to walk in front of it on the way back to the parking garage, but that would be it - I would not go in and try to see her. It was wasn't happening, and there was no reason for to push it.

 

[Initiate_me]

Rodrigo was suppressing a laugh as he re-arranged a large vase of flowers on a table in the middle of the gallery. The purple petals shone with his smile and eyes and he winked at me mischievously and I walked over to help him, not that he needed, neat and with the eye for detail that he had.

"It looked to me like that gentleman wanted more from you than a pretty picture, am I right?" He said and I couldn't help but giggle in spite of myself. I was filled with a sudden relief that Deb and Rodrigo felt able to laugh and joke with me. Maybe I didn't come across as icy and mean as I thought. Maybe I saved that for people I disliked and people I really liked.

"Yeah well, you know how it is." I gave him a playful fist to the shoulder.

"Actually I don't but I'll take your word for it boss."

"How's your family Rodrigo? I feel like I haven't really talked to you in ages.... I'm always just.... telling you to do things for me and stressing out about stuff," I said and my regret was genuine.

"That's okay Clarissa, it's been tough on all of us- getting ready for the opening, throwing the opening.... salvaging things after the opening!" He laughed out loud and the banker turned and frowned and then went back to misunderstanding the paintings. "Everyone's fine, thanks. I'm hoping to move us out to a bit of a safer neighbourhood. For the kids."

I tried to nod understandingly but I didn't really know what he meant. I had thought everywhere round here was safe but then there were large parts of the city I'd never seen. Might never see. "You're a great father Rodrigo. And I really admire that."

"We're all just doing our best, aren't we?" He said and I hoped he was right. But was this really my best. Surely there should be more to give.

 

[PapaRomantic]

The ice cream cones were consumed, and I cleaned their sticky little faces as best I could with the dry napkins I had available. We made our way back into the street with more energy now than when we came in. It was amazing what a shot of sugar would do to my kids, as they were ready to run and skip and in general wear me out.

We headed back towards the parking garage at the Science Museum. That meant walking back in front of the gallery one more time. I was doing a good job of walking without even acknowledging it's presence when Susie, my inquisitive one, said, "Daddy, who was the girl that told us where the ice cream shop was?"

I squeezed her hand a little tighter as i answered, "That was Deb - a friend of mine. She works there, and I provided security for them one night a few weeks ago."

I knew there would be more questions - there were always more questions when these two were together. Sure enough - the ping-pong action was about to begin, as Joey piped up and said, "What is in there, daddy?"

"It's an art gallery - people who are artists hang their work in there so other people can buy it."

Susie's turn - "What kind of art? You mean like crayons, or watercolors, like we do in school?"

I had to chuckle at that. "So, Susie honey - this is very fancy paintings and sculptures. Although I guess some fancy art is made using watercolors."

Now Joey - "Why do people want to see their art? Don't they want to keep it at their houses?"

The innocence of children...."Joey, these people make art for a living - it's how they make money, like mommy teaches, and I'm a police officer. They make beautiful paintings, and people pay lots of money so they can take the paintings to their house and put them on their walls."

Susie said, "I like art, daddy - can we go see the paintings? Please?!?"

Joey joined in immediately, and soon both of them were begging to go see the artwork, one pleading on either side of me. I was glad my kids seems to take an interest in art. My parents had never been interested, so they hadn't guided me in that direction.

Normally this would have been a no-brainer. The kids wanted to go, it would be educational and informative for them, so of course we would go. But it was HER gallery, and she might even be there. The choices were to disappoint my kids and walk on by, or take them in and risk an unpleasant encounter with Clarissa.

The kids won. I announced to them that we could go in for a few minutes and they jumped up and down with joy. We went to the corner to cross the street - always trying to instill safety habits into their brains - and made our way to the front door of the gallery. I gave the kids some important instructions on how to behave in a gallery, and when they agreed to abide by my instructions, I pushed the door open and we headed in.

 

[Initiate_me]

I heard Deb chatting with someone in her relaxed voice and I knew by that voice that it had to be someone she knew. I realised I knew none of her friends and very little about her life and I felt bad. I decided to walk round the corner and through to the main entrance- meet whoever her friend was, say hello, let them know how great I thought Deb was.

I walked through with a big warm smile and ready to be nice and ready to welcome and ready and it was Joe and my heart bounced. I stared stupidly at him, I didn't know what to say.

 

[PapaRomantic]

I was glad to see Deb greeting us once we stepped inside. After thanking her for successfully navigating us to the ice cream shop, I introduced her to my kids and she immediately launched into this wonderful explanation on how you are never too young to begin appreciating excellent art. By the time she was finished, my kids were excited to see for themselves! Deb laughed, and asked them if they would like for her to guide their tour of the gallery. The reply was a unanimous "Yes!"

Deb seemed like she was a natural with the kids. Perhaps it was just that they were on a brand new adventure, but she had them captivated with her words. I tried to think back to the grand opening, and the next day's investigation, to remember my impressions of her, but was mostly drawing a blank. I do remember she worked very hard to make sure the gallery was in top shape before the doors opened.

I was wondering what Deb's personal situation was when all of a sudden Clarissa appeared from around the corner. It was easy to spot that she didn't expect to see me there - her facial expression told that tale.

I wanted to run - either to her to hug her, or away from her to avoid being crushed by her one more time. Instead, I did neither, and trying to maintain some civility, I said, "Clarissa, I'd like you to meet my kids - Susie and Joey. This is their first time in an art gallery. We stopped here after having ice cream in the shop around the corner. Kids, this is Clarissa - she is the owner of the gallery."

Susie said, "We love your gallery!"

And of course, Joey had to chime in - "Thanks for letting us see all these cool pictures!"

Deb grabbed onto the situation once again. "Come on, kids - let's go exploring!"

The kids yelled in excitement as they went hand in hand with Deb. That left Clarissa and I, awkwardly standing together, staring at each other, neither of us knowing what to say.

I couldn't take the pressure of the situation any longer, so I said, "Uh....I suppose I should follow them, so poor Deb doesn't have to handle those two little brats by herself."

 

[Initiate_me]

I licked my lips and nodded mutely, like an idiot who has had their brains beaten out with a rock. We walked slowly behind Deb, Joe's kids moving around her like fluttering butterflies, attention divided lovingly between her and the paintings and sculptures. Deb seemed happy and comfortable and I felt a stab on envy at her.... her social competence.

Joe was looking ahead at them too and I felt he was avoiding looking at me and I didn't blame him, the blame was my own. And I accepted it and didn't know what to do with it. He was on my right so I looked at a picture to my left as I spoke to him.

"I'm glad someone appreciates the gallery anyway. They seem great." It sounded flat although I didn't intend that.

 

[PapaRomantic]

I saw red flash before my eyes, but I didn't let it get the best of me. I'm not sure why I felt like I needed to analyze the situation, since it was still pretty clear that my presence there was an unwanted intrusion to her. But I guess I did appreciate her half-hearted attempt to compliment my kids. I was pretty sure she didn't get a lot of opportunity to spend time with kids herself.

I was enjoying watching how the kids took to Deb, and how she seemed to take to them. So I turned to Clarissa with a question in mind that might relieve her to hear, or might crush her to hear. I didn't want to wish her any more pain, but she had made it clear that she didn't want me in her life, so I needed to start looking out for what benefited me the most.

"Clarissa, what can you tell me about Deb's life situation? I love how she's so wrapped up in showing the art to my kids - she looks like a complete natural. Does she have kids of her own?"

 

[Initiate_me]

Why was he asking this? I asked myself the question and immediately answered it- because he's a man. I'd never looked at Deb in that way before, never considered what a man might see. Was it that I looked down on her? Now her fiery ruby hair and perfectly-curved body appeared properly to me. Her big green eyes and full lips and gentle chin. A man might well want her. It made sense.

Again I was confronted with how little I knew about her. "No, she doesn't have kids. I think.... I think she broke up with her long-term boyfriend a few months ago." (I remembered her crying and me giving her the day off but not asking what was hurting, and being told later by Rodrigo with his kind face full of empathy for her.)