An Unlikely Affair (closed for Initiate_me)

[Initiate_me]

I put the interaction into the back of my mind as I drove to work but it wasn't quiet back there and it chattered on at me as I tried to concentrate. I thought about Joe and the things he had said to me and the way he had opened up and I thought about his face and his voice and I thought about our kiss and I thought about his body and i thought about my body. I felt tense and tightly wound and nervous.

I parked and went straight into my office and ignored everyone. Sat down at my desk and took some breaths and turned on the computer. I wanted to immerse myself in meaningless rubbish and not think about the evening until I needed to but I already was.

 

[PapaRomantic]

I slept for a few more hours, waking at about noon. Now I was anxious - I wanted 7:00 to get here already, but I knew I had to wait. I went into my kitchen and saw that there really wasn't much to eat, but orange juice would tide me over until I felt like going to the store.

I decided to do something I hadn't done in long time - I went for a run. I wasn't completely recovered from the injuries of my altercation, and it had been a long time since I'd run at all, and both of those factors contributed to the fact that it wasn't pretty. But I knew that one thing I had was time, and if I started getting serious about getting in shape again, maybe I would feel better about myself.

My little run also gave me time to think about coffee with Clarissa. I decided to try and go in with no expectations, although I knew that was going to be hard to do. I was afraid when I saw her again that my emotions might run strong - remembering her rejections of the past, but also seeing signs of a warm and caring person beneath the tough exterior.

My shower after the run invigorated me, and as I headed out to the store, there was a spring in my step I had not had lately.

 

[Initiate_me]

Jensen had been hanging around, sensed my mood. He sat on the edge of my desk and did the thing where he raised his eyebrows and leaned forward and waited and waited for me to spill my guts as I always did.

"What, Jensen?"

"Calm down babe, calm down. I'm just.... waiting.....,"

"For what?" I asked and tried to look at a report on my screen but it was hard not to giggle at the expressions he was pulling and all his deliberately silly mannerisms.

"For you," he picked up my gold pen that he knew I liked and never wrote with, "to tell me," he dangled it in between his thumb and forefinger, "what on earth," he dropped it on the floor and stuck his tongue out at me, "is going on with you?"

I put on my false angry face and it made him giggle. "You'd best pick that up right now you bitch, and treat me with some respect!" I said and I gave up on the report. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you've avoided just about everyone, including me- which is very hurtful," He said and pouted to show his distress. ""And I know you well enough to see that something's going on."

"Mmmm."

"Is it... a man?"

I was impressed for a moment. "How would you know that?"

"Honey it's always a man. That's just how life is.It's the bills or it's a man, and you are way too loaded to be worrying about bills, right?"

"Right," I said and nodded my agreement.

"So.... what's his name? Is it anyone I know? It's not anyone here is it?!"

"No!" I laughed. "No, definitely not. Everyone here is just terrible- present company excepted of course."

"Of course."

"No, it's someone else. You don't know him."

"Hmmm.... very mysterious. So, how has he been annoying you?"

"Well, not annoying me as such....."

Jensen tilted his head and smiled at me. "Come on Clarissa, everyone annoys you. It's you curse."

"And your curse is always knowing more than you should."

"Don't I know it- I get into all sorts of trouble," He said and he grinned wider than ever. "And I love it. So tell."

"Alright, just this once. But shut the door."

 

[PapaRomantic]

With the refrigerator re-stocked, I made myself a sandwich, and then got about the rest of the business of the day, which mainly consisted of thinking about my meeting up with Clarissa that evening. The burst of energy from my run had not waned yet, so I got busy and cleaned the apartment, actually getting the vacuum out, trying to make the awful carpet at least look clean.

I began to worry about what to wear tonight. Sylvia's was not a formal place at all, but it was quaint. Located on the edge of the tech district, it attracted an eclectic clientele, and I feared jeans wouldn't be appropriate. So I dug through my closet and found a pair of khaki slacks that were in need of an iron. I pressed them as best I could, and then decided to press the light blue polo I was going to wear as well.

It was still mid-afternoon by the time I had finished those chores. I went out to the patrol car and did some routine maintenance - checking the oil and washer fluid, power steering level. I opened the trunk and retrieved the shotgun I kept stored back there, and took it inside and cleaned it thoroughly, before putting it back. Finally I took the patrol car and filled it up, making it officially ready for the start of tonight's shift.

With my chores done, all I had to do now was wait for the 15 minute drive to Sylvia's, and that was still a couple of hours away. I tried to keep my anticipation in check, but I was finding that hard to do.

 

[Initiate_me]

Jensen got up very quickly and closed the door very carefully and sat down again with a charming eagerness covering his well-looked after face.

"Go on then....,"

"There isn't that much to tell, Jensen. Sorry to disappoint you. He's just a guy I've met... and..... I don't know. I offered to go out this evening with him."

"Mmmm, I see.....," He said with glitter eyes. "Where are you going?"

"Sylvia's."

"Excellent choice, excellent choice. Classy but not pretentious, waitresses that keep their mouths shut, not too crowded but also not too private..... in case he's a secret murderer."

"That's funny."

"Well you never know."

"He's a policeman, so I'm fairly secure about that."

"Really?" He wrinkled his nose. "Police?"

"Yeah. What?"

He shrugged. "Nothing, just.... not your usual type honey. That's all."

I leaned forward, I wanted to hear this. "What is my type, Jensen?"

He smiled at me teasingly before answering. "Rich, wealthy, deep-pocketed, loaded, that sort of thing."

"You are such a bitch."

"Look who's talking. Anyway, I'm kidding with you. Kind of."

"Yeah, well, I do have a soul you know," I said, pushing back in my chair. "I am capable of seeing more than cash. I don't even need men for that. And I can like real people."

"Of course you can." He looked like he was about to laugh.

"What?"

"It's just....," He held back the snigger with a heroic effort and it wasn't pretty. He composed himself again after a few seconds. "I can't imagine any of your family getting involved with a blue collar lover, you know?"

"Fuck you Jensen," I said with a giggle. "He's not my lover, not at all. He's just.... I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I don't know."

"Who should know?" He was enjoying this. I decided to put a stop to it, the working day was nearly done.

"Let's try to get something done today, yeah? I promise I'll give you a full update tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? I'll be texting you tonight honey- don't you worry about that!" He stood up and turned on his heel, went to the door, waved, and left. I went back to my computer, one eye on the clock. Back home soon, to get changed, to get out. I felt nervous.

 

[PapaRomantic]

It was 6:00 p.m., and I couldn't take the waiting any longer. I had gotten dressed 30 minutes ago, just looking for something to do. There were only so many times I could wipe down the little counter in my tiny kitchen.

I headed out to the truck, making sure the patrol car was secured one more time. My plan was do drive around as I gradually made my way to Sylvia's. I really didn't have the money for the extra fuel I would consume, but I knew sitting doing nothing in the apartment was going to drive me crazy if I didn't get out.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I realized something - I was nervous, like I was before the first date with Kristy many years ago. I didn't know if that was a good omen or a bad omen for this evening, and for a potential relationship with Clarissa.

 

[Initiate_me]

It was 6:30pm and I knew I should get going very soon. The drive wasn't far but sometimes there was a cram of traffic.

But I stood in front of the mirror a while longer. Insecurity, not vanity. Better and worse than being vain and self-adoring. I examined my reflection. Quite petite, even with heels. Light, but with gentle curves. I had chosen a dress of dark green but it was modest and fell almost to my ankles and was nearly plain. I took my hair down and it fell halfway down my back in its dark brown. On a whim I picked up a heavy wooden-bead necklace and lowered it around my neck and it rested over my breasts. I had decided to eschew make up, expect for midnight blue eye shadow in a maximised style.

I told myself to be calm, and left my apartment with my black handbag over my shoulder and went to my car.

 

[PapaRomantic]

The drive did me some good, I think - I was maybe a little more relaxed as I pulled into the parking lot at Sylvia's. It didn't look too busy, and I think I was thankful for that. I remembered what Clarissa's car looked like and didn't see it yet, although knowing her she may have two or three cars just to have the variety. Since I wasn't sure, I decided to go on in and see if she had arrived.

I had only been to Sylvia's a couple of times in my life, so I wasn't surprised to see that it looked unfamiliar to me. I tried to remember the last time I was here.....it was with Kristy, right after we were married, but before we had the kids. We ate dinner here before we went to a live play showing at the university theater. We had chosen Sylvia's because we had heard it was a romantic place to visit. I was pretty sure romance wasn't going to be a part of tonight's festivities.

The hostess came over to greet me, and I told her I wanted to wait to choose a table until Clarissa got here, but then I stopped - instead of tip-toeing about her, perhaps I would take care of decisions like that. So I asked her to go ahead and seat me, preferably in a quiet area at a table for two.

She took me right to the perfect spot - on the side of the cafe, about middle of the way back. Not private by any means, but enough so that whatever we talked about would likely stay with us. I hoped we would take; I don't think I could handle awkward silences. I hoped this didn't turn into another one and done meeting for us. We'd had enough of those in the past.

 

[Initiate_me]

I pulled up outside and spent a minute staring at the foliage that had been carefully grown around Sylvia's. I liked it here- coffee and oriental tea by day, wine and cocktails in the evening. A simple but tasteful menu of meals. Not too many posers in attendance. Nice muted lighting and strong wooden tables. I wondered if I was going to make a good memory here tonight or a bad one. Dare to hope, perhaps.

The hostess showed me round to the side of the face and Joe saw me and stood up and I composed myself internally and didn't ask myself what I was doing there and I walked to him and he pulled out my chair for me.

I didn't know what I should say so I said "Hello again."

 

[PapaRomantic]

She was beautiful when she walked in, but that part had never been in doubt. But I could sense her wariness, and I didn't want this to turn out to be a bad experience for either of us.

It was at that moment that I realized I hadn't prepared very well. I pulled her chair out for her as she greeted me. I didn't want to come on too strong because I didn't want her to think I was desperate. But I didn't want to be too casual either. I was in trouble.

Quickly I decided to just try and be myself, and if that didn't work, then maybe I would finally see that we just weren't meant to be together. If the regular Joe Simpson wasn't what she was wanting, why would I force it on her?

So as I pushed her chair back in, I said, "Clarissa, you look great. I've been looking forward to this all day. I can use a relaxing evening with a friend."

As I sat down in my own chair, I smiled at her. I really had been looking forward to this - now it was time to show her.

 

[Initiate_me]

I sat down and smiled back at Joe. He seemed relaxed and open and I felt calmed by him.

"Me too, Joe. Life's been.... difficult for me recently." I blushed and laughed- "As you've probably seen for yourself."

 

[PapaRomantic]

I loved her smile, and her laugh was delicate and charming. I was instantly relaxed...well, as relaxed as I was going to get anyway. We were off to a good start. I hoped we could keep it going.

I joined in her laugh as I answered, "It's not been much fun from my view, either." I paused for effect, and then continued, "But then that's why I messaged you."

 

[Initiate_me]

I tried to make good eye contact because it's something I was always bad at and it looks rude and I don't want to look rude when I'm not trying to be rude.

"I don't know anyone who has fun in life. Not personally," I said but then I thought of Jensen. And, bitterly, Pierce and my brothers. "Well, a few people maybe," I corrected myself.

"I'm sorry for how I've behaved, Joe. I am."

 

[PapaRomantic]

I wasn't expecting an apology - that wasn't the purpose that I had contacted her, and I felt she needed to know.

"Clarissa, that's behind us. If that still bothered me, I wouldn't have sent you the text yesterday. I just want to see if we can be friends - I know that maybe the odds are against us, given our history and our backgrounds. But for tonight, is it okay if you just be Clarissa, and I'll just be Joe, and we'll see if we can have a good evening? No other pressure - just enjoying our time together."

I could see her thinking - it was something I'd seen before, knowing that her mind always seemed to be working. I hope it didn't get in the way of our evening. I hope her mind would let her relax and just have a good time.

 

[Initiate_me]

"I can try to be Clarissa, I can definitely try. It's probably been a while since I've really done that though. So I'm sorry in advance if it doesn't work out."

"Do you ever feel like that? Like an actor?" I asked as a waitress walked over to us.

 

[PapaRomantic]

The waitress took our drink orders, and an appetizer as well. This gave me time to ponder Clarissa's question a little while longer. By the time the waitress left, I knew what I needed to say.

"My problem isn't so much wanting to be an actor - it's actually the opposite. I feel as though people expect me to play a part I would rather not play. It's hard to be authentic to yourself if you're trying to please others by being something they want you to be - especially when you know you sacrifice your happiness in doing that."

 

[Initiate_me]

"I find it quite hard to get out that trap. You might be a stronger person thatn me- in fact, I think you definitely are. The way my father manipulates me.... I can see it but I can't really seem to break the cycle."

The waitress set our drinks down and I took a sip of red and it was good. "It's a cliche, to be true to yourself- how am I supposed to actually do it?"

 

[PapaRomantic]

"I wish I had an easier answer for that question, because when I finally took the steps to be true to myself, it caused a lot of pain to those that I love - pain that I'll never be able to fully heal."

I paused at that thought - it was sobering, and with the most recent push by Kristy to get me back, it was a question I had been pondering.

"In your case, I believe you have to ability to break away from the control of your father and be happy and successful. But don't go by my example, because I'm still looking for that happiness."

I looked at her closely and said, "That's why I messaged you - hoping to find that happiness I crave."

 

[Initiate_me]

Joe looked comfortable there but also in some way there was a a clear sadness there behind it all and I wanted to get to it and I really didn't want to get to it. I took another drink and realised I'd had half the glass and thought I should probably slow down.

"What makes you think I have any happiness to share?"

 

[PapaRomantic]

"I believe somewhere, everybody has happiness to share. Whether or not they do depends partly on the environment where they exist. But mostly, I think people share happiness when they receive happiness.

"But I also know from experience - we've had happy times, however brief they were. It was enough for me to see that you were capable of it, and enough to see that I'm interested in pursuing more."

I didn't want to sound too forward, but I felt Clarissa needed to hear these things, and even better, coming from someone outside of her circle. I wasn't telling her what she WANTED to hear, I was telling her what she NEEDED to hear. Her own little comfort zone of people might be tempted to be the other away around.

 

[Initiate_me]

I wanted to drink some more but was worried about how it would look. Joe's words meant something to me and I was worried about that too.

I chose my words carefully and looked at another table where a couple held hands over a plate of gleaming olives.

"You thought that chance was worth risking seeing me again? I know I haven't been perfect. But I don't think you are either," I said.

 

[PapaRomantic]

Her words stung a little bit, but I knew she was right. I knew my faults could easily get in the way of the two of us having something meaningful.

"I know - I'm painfully aware of the issues I have. My struggles have made me jaded, and on occasion my pride will rise up and interfere with my judgment. I'm trying to change that, but it may take time."

I took a sip of my lemonade - no alcohol for me since I had duty later - and wondered if it was time to change the subject. But to be fair, she had a right to pursue this line of questioning to me, so I let it go, waiting for her next response.

 

[Initiate_me]

I felt bad for bringing things like that up for him and quite clearly darkening the tone of the evening. Me with a talent for making things worse. I thought about something nice to say but it was really never my style and I found it very very difficult. But I did think well of him. He was brave and principled and patient and I liked all of those things and needed all of those things. I wanted those things in my life and I wanted them to rub off on me.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you a tall, Joe. You're something special. I'm not surprised your ex wants to drag you back to her, it makes sense. And I'm sure you have a lot for the world that's just waiting below the surface as well."

I looked straight at him this time and I put my hand out on the table and wanted him to take it.

 

[PapaRomantic]

I hesitated, and then reached for her hand. She had just said some amazing things to me - something that must have been hard for her to do.

"Thank you, Clarissa. You know, in our short time knowing each other, you're already drastically changed me. Until I met you, I didn't think it would ever be possible for me to get involved in art in any way! Helping Deb sell the LeGarre last week was one of the high points of my life - and it was because I had met you that I was able to help her."

As soon as I said it, I regretted it, because I wasn't sure Clarissa knew that I was there with Deb that day the painting sold. I hoped I hadn't just ruined our evening.....

 

[Initiate_me]

I was surprised to hear that and took my hand away, thought that might look cold so I picked up my glass again as an excuse and it was nearly empty. What was he talking about? He was at the gallery, with Deb? She hadn't said anything to me. I vaguely remembered her talking to him and playing with his kids on his first visit and I tried to look back to see signs I hadn't before.

"What do you mean?" I asked, with an attempt not to look like some sort of police interrogator which I'm told is very unbecoming. "You... helped Deb sell the painting? I don't understand what you're saying."