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Curious if i should pursue the truth

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Vaguy41

Virgin
Joined
Sep 18, 2018
Posts
7
So i have a question.

A few months ago... i talked to my wife about funding a "friend" to join usfor some fun. She was non interested until i kept pushing. Then she admitted she had been invited to have an affair with a former coworker. She refused, and continued to talk to him as friends as she told me.
Side note, i travel alot for work, so i have alot of time on my hands.
Anyways, after talking back and forth about him joining us, we decided it was best to not invite him. With all the time i have on my hands for being overseas for work... i look at her phone texting from the previous months....i come to find out she had been texting him (i had a friend call and confirm his number) for months leading up to her telling me she had been approached. She also continued to text him after. So i asked her about him, she got super defensive, and basically threatened divorce since i didnt believe her and respected her enough to not bring him up.

My question really is... should i pursue the truth as to what happened? Or should i just assume? What are your thoughts on what happened?
 
Vaguy41 said:
she admitted she had been invited to have an affair with a former coworker. She refused, and continued to talk to him as friends as she told me.

...

i come to find out she had been texting him (i had a friend call and confirm his number) for months leading up to her telling me she had been approached. She also continued to text him after.
Click to expand...

If she already told you she was still talking to the guy... why is it a surprise that she's texting him?

So i asked her about him, she got super defensive, and basically threatened divorce since i didnt believe her and respected her enough to not bring him up.

My question really is... should i pursue the truth as to what happened? Or should i just assume? What are your thoughts on what happened?
Click to expand...

Let's say I'm your wife and I'm having an affair with this guy.

I can see reasons why I might come clean to you about the affair. I can see reasons why I might cover it up and pretend nothing's happening. What I can't see is any reason why I'd go halfway, putting the idea of an affair in your head without actually admitting to one. How does that make sense?

(I can also see why she might be reluctant to tell you he'd propositioned her, given how you reacted to that information. I would be "packing my bags to stay with a friend" levels of pissed if my partner decided to go trawling through my phone records for this sort of purpose.)

At this point, either you trust your wife or you don't. If you don't trust her, then it doesn't actually matter whether she cheated on you, because your relationship is fucked either way. Either she's lying to you, or she's innocent and you're the guy who snooped on her texts and got one of your friends involved after she trusted you with that information. Sounds like she's made it clear that divorce is on the cards if you keep pushing it.

If you do trust her, then you probably ought to hold off on the threesome plans until you've done some maintenance work on your marriage.
 
Do you really have reason to believe that She is not telling you the truth?
If She kept him as a friend why would they not text each other?

If you wanted to invite a "friend" for fun, why would this bother you?
 
Is she texting or sexting? Big difference. Nothing wrong with texting.

You also present a very mixed bag here. Sounds like you wanted a threesome with that guy. Or am I reading that wrong? So you wanted in on it but are unhappy that she might be doing something with him without you?

What exactly did you say to her and her to you? Exact words do matter. Phrase the question correctly and you can tell by her answer if she is lying or not.

Be direct.

"Are you having sex with that guy?"

"No."

"What's your definition of sex?"

When Bill Clinton was asked, they left out that last part. He doesn't consider oral to be sex.
 
Everything Bramblethorn said and

If you have concerns your wife is having an affair then maybe you should ask yourself why she may feel her relationship with you is inadequate.

May be very hard to come back from the damage done by phone snooping. You find something and feel trust is broken or your partner feels you have abused trust and privacy. If you want to get your relationship back on track then make sure all your conversations are about "I" and follow through on your promises. The moment you start a conversation with "you" your partner will recoil.
 
If she got super defensive and threatened divorce over just being asked about it, then there is more than just texting. Perhaps she wants to keep him for herself?

As to whether you should pursue farther? Depends on what you want. If she is having an affair, then you have to decide how far you want to push it. You could end up divorced wither living with him.

As far as a threesome? If she wanted a threesome with you and him, she would have told you?

Bottom line - - she is probably fucking him and don't want you involved!
 
curioustxn said:
If she got super defensive and threatened divorce over just being asked about it, then there is more than just texting. Perhaps she wants to keep him for herself?
Click to expand...

It wasn't "just being asked about it". OP went through her phone logs and even brought a friend into it to find out who she was texting - instead of, say, asking her "do you still talk to that guy you said you were talking to?" That's not a healthy way for two adults to have a relationship.
 
If he could see that she is still texting, why couldn't he see the texts themselves? Content would be telling!
 
I did not go through her phone and read the texts as assumed. After asking her if she was still textig him and her telling me to drop it, i looked at the phone usage online. It only states text message from who to who, dates and times. My original post is misleading to show i did that before asking her.
. Thats then when i had a friend call the number to figure out it was him she was texting. I do not know the content of the texts, but after seeing texts during the night, early morning... thats when i began questioning more.
I can absolutely handle the truth.... what i dont understand is the defnsiveness.
 
People get defensive when they don't want the truth to come out.

Then, they try to spin it around and make it all about you and your lack of trust.

Or maybe that's just my ex. At least he was consistent each time he got caught having an affair. :rolleyes:
 
barefootgirl69 said:
People get defensive when they don't want the truth to come out.

Then, they try to spin it around and make it all about you and your lack of trust.

Or maybe that's just my ex. At least he was consistent each time he got caught having an affair. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Mine just kept telling me I was crazy and laughing at me.

The truth came out after the divorce. I don't know when the cheating started but the first I knew of for sure was within days of him moving into our house on Cape Cod. Charges to a local hotel on the Visa card. He tried to tell me he was just playing pool.

However, he went missing for several weeks during our cross country move. He may well have been cheating then too.
 
Vaguy41 said:
I want to stay.

I just want to knkw the truth and be open about it
Click to expand...

What makes you think she hasn't already told the truth?
You obviously think you were lied to before, that you haven't gotten the truth. Are you sure you want to hear the words? Why not just keep going on the premise that she cheated, don't say another word, and BUILD your relationship?
 
Vaguy41 said:
So i have a question.

A few months ago... i talked to my wife about funding a "friend" to join usfor some fun. She was non interested until i kept pushing. Then she admitted she had been invited to have an affair with a former coworker. She refused, and continued to talk to him as friends as she told me.
Side note, i travel alot for work, so i have alot of time on my hands.
Anyways, after talking back and forth about him joining us, we decided it was best to not invite him. With all the time i have on my hands for being overseas for work... i look at her phone texting from the previous months....i come to find out she had been texting him (i had a friend call and confirm his number) for months leading up to her telling me she had been approached. She also continued to text him after. So i asked her about him, she got super defensive, and basically threatened divorce since i didnt believe her and respected her enough to not bring him up.

My question really is... should i pursue the truth as to what happened? Or should i just assume? What are your thoughts on what happened?
Click to expand...

You already know the truth. She will not admit it.

If you have lots of money involved in this marriage when you think they are meeting have a PI record the incident. for Court...if needed.

It is after all a question of mind over matter...If you don't mind than it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER!
 
Last edited:
barefootgirl69 said:
People get defensive when they don't want the truth to come out.

Then, they try to spin it around and make it all about you and your lack of trust.

Or maybe that's just my ex. At least he was consistent each time he got caught having an affair. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

That's exactly how it works. Nearly always.

" I did. not. have. sex. . .with that woman..."
 
Hahaha, so the OP made 7 posts and split - I guess he either found out what he wanted or discovered he would never get a bona fide explanation from anybody but his wife.

The 'lifestyle', whether you're in it full bore, or just dabbling, is not a good idea for relationships as weak as his sounded.
 
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