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How do you help someone get over being abused

GentleSub_Ivy said:
bumpity bump:rose:

Just bumping this supportive thread. I'm dealing with flashback issues right now. Not too serious but sometimes it still amazes me what little thing can trigger bad memories. Luckily, I'm much older and wiser and can deal with it. I know I'm not crazy which is what I thought when I was young. I just accept me for me. Does that make sense?
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GSI, you post makes a lot of sense & yes it is amazing what tiny things can be a trigger, it can be something that hasn't been a problem many times but just once it sends the bed memories flooding back.

Older & Wiser is something I aspire to achieve one day.
 
SydneyScorpio said:
If anyone can offer you good advice on this thread, it's Gil_T2 & Bandit 58. 2 of the most level-headed and compassionate people that I've had the pleasure of meeting. Having known 2 people who have suffered from either mental or physical abuse, the only things that seem to help are good friends, love & time. Medical assistance & medication don't seem to do a hell of a lot of good. And court orders are only effective if the offending party takes notice of them. I've had to stand by and watch 2 very beautiful people break down and become totally different people from those that I knew. The one thing I offered was to be a friend and to be there for them, when they decided that they needed me. I was successful with one, but unfortunately the other took her own life when she let the "guilt" overcome her. Time, love & patience is the answer people.
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SS, It would be great to have more ppl dropping in here to post & reply as it does give a wider range of views which can help, BANDIT:heart: & I do what we can although with my PC having a death wish my net time is greatly reduced.
 
Gil_T2 said:
GSI, you post makes a lot of sense & yes it is amazing what tiny things can be a trigger, it can be something that hasn't been a problem many times but just once it sends the bed memories flooding back.

Older & Wiser is something I aspire to achieve one day.
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Tiny things can be a trigger, but tiny things can also make a huge difference. Some one taking the time and energy to listen to what or why the memories were triggered and let you know that with them its is different can help how you see the memories.
 
Noor said:
Tiny things can be a trigger, but tiny things can also make a huge difference. Some one taking the time and energy to listen to what or why the memories were triggered and let you know that with them its is different can help how you see the memories.
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BANDIT:heart: now knows that I want to know everything that bothers her & when she has bad dreams she cuddles into me & that helps her.
 
KarennaC said:
Hope all is well with everyone :)
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Hi everyone, I've been only getting on the net in the early hours of the morning for a very short time but wanted to BUMP this thread into view just incase it is needed.

Hope all are well.
 
I have a friend that's been abused before as a kid, and every guy she's had in her young life, while not abusive, basically didn't have the kind of love and care an abuse victim really needs.

I feel terrible for her, because she's an amazing girl but loaded down with self-doubt, and to have that kind of bad luck her entire life just...urrgh. I can't put into words how badly it pisses me off.

Worst of all, I've found myself attracted to her, but I know now she's not interested. She said she does like me and that I probably would be good for her, but she's just not ready; it's like she thinks she could be with me, but she feels like it'd end in disaster. I didn't press the issue, 'cause she's a great friend and I'd hate to sacrifice that.

Worst of all, if I know her as well as I think I do, she's probably beating herself up, not over me but over the fact she just can't get that love and respect she deserves and feels it's her fault somehow - kind of like how I'm beating myself up for even potentially adding to her troubles.


What I've learned, though, is that it is something that takes time to get over, and the best thing I can do is just be there for her and let her know I care about her. It upsets me that I can't do more, but I've learned my lesson to not push on that issue.

And I'm totally with the OP - these jackass, scum-of-the-earth guys just...if I may forego my gentle manner for a bit, I wish they'd all fall down twenty flights of stairs balls first, each step coated with shards of glass. See how they like that kind of pain, the bastards...
 
VFaulkon said:
I have a friend that's been abused before as a kid, and every guy she's had in her young life, while not abusive, basically didn't have the kind of love and care an abuse victim really needs.

I feel terrible for her, because she's an amazing girl but loaded down with self-doubt, and to have that kind of bad luck her entire life just...urrgh. I can't put into words how badly it pisses me off.

Worst of all, I've found myself attracted to her, but I know now she's not interested. She said she does like me and that I probably would be good for her, but she's just not ready; it's like she thinks she could be with me, but she feels like it'd end in disaster. I didn't press the issue, 'cause she's a great friend and I'd hate to sacrifice that.

Worst of all, if I know her as well as I think I do, she's probably beating herself up, not over me but over the fact she just can't get that love and respect she deserves and feels it's her fault somehow - kind of like how I'm beating myself up for even potentially adding to her troubles.


What I've learned, though, is that it is something that takes time to get over, and the best thing I can do is just be there for her and let her know I care about her. It upsets me that I can't do more, but I've learned my lesson to not push on that issue.

And I'm totally with the OP - these jackass, scum-of-the-earth guys just...if I may forego my gentle manner for a bit, I wish they'd all fall down twenty flights of stairs balls first, each step coated with shards of glass. See how they like that kind of pain, the bastards...
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Just let me say, your friendship is worth more than you'll ever know - just having someone there that you are able to talk to is priceless. Has your friend had any counselling? She needs to realise that what happened to her was not her fault, and that she is a beautiful person and has the right to a happy fulfilling relationship.

I also recommend that she take a "time out" from relationships for a while - get that counselling, learn about herself, develop some self help strategies so that what has happened in the past is not repeated. If you do a search online there are lots of sites out there, linky:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=14335435&postcount=2057

Good on you for being someone who cares :rose:
 
Thanks. :)

She is in counseling right now, and she said she's taking a break from relationships at the moment. My only concern is that she's 19, and most girls that age I hear say that mean it for about, oh, two weeks at most. But she's obviously not most girls, so I'm hopeful.
 
VFaulkon said:
Thanks. :)

She is in counseling right now, and she said she's taking a break from relationships at the moment. My only concern is that she's 19, and most girls that age I hear say that mean it for about, oh, two weeks at most. But she's obviously not most girls, so I'm hopeful.
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Good to hear your friend is getting help & taking the timeout, this will I hope get her seeing the errors in the selection process she has used in the past.

I would also advise that she might benifit in seeking a peer group of abuse victims as no matter what books & studies the "pros" have no bloody idea of what any of the ppl they see have been through. JUST MY THOUGHT, would like to hear what others think.
 
VFaulk, I hope things work out for your friend. She's fortunate to have a friend who's understanding about what she's going through.

My boyfriend learned something about me a couple weeks ago that he wasn't sure how to cope with, and it hasn't been addressed since. I haven't felt like it's needed to be, and I don't think he knows whether he should talk about it or not, though that's just a guess on my part. We were playing an online game with some other people and one of the other players kept making "jokes" about rape. I finally lost my cool and asked my bf, who was in charge of the group, to deal with the guy. He kicked the guy out of the group, then turned around and killed the guy's character when the guy acted pissy about it. I was already upset about the "jokes", and seeing my calm, mellow boyfriend get violent, even though it was computer animated pretend violence, was too much. I shut myself in my room and couldn't stop crying for half an hour or so.

My boyfriend left me alone for a little while, then came upstairs and calmed me down, talking and joking and giving me lots of hugs. When we went downstairs, he had an apology message from the guy from the game. My boyfriend said to me, "I don't think you've ever been raped, but I implied you had so he'd get a clue." I said, "Um, honey, yes, I have been." He kind of gulped and swallowed and didn't say much else about it. I don't know if he was more struck by the fact that I had been raped, or that I hadn't told him before.

If I did feel the need to talk more about it to him, I know he'd listen and be supportive, like he is with everything. The other night after we went to bed, we had a minor dispute about the fan blowing on the bed. (There's no heat in my room, it's October in Northeast USA, and I was cold. He needs to have white noise and moving air to be able to sleep.) It was easily settled, not even an argument really, and he said, "Thank you for putting up with me." I said, "You aren't much to put up with." He said, "Well, I have things." I said, "So do I. I'm annoying." He said, "I can't think of how." I said, "I cry too much." He said, "Yes, you do. But that just means I need to try harder to make you happy."

We're moving in together next summer. :)
 
KarennaC said:
VFaulk, I hope things work out for your friend. She's fortunate to have a friend who's understanding about what she's going through.

My boyfriend learned something about me a couple weeks ago that he wasn't sure how to cope with, and it hasn't been addressed since. I haven't felt like it's needed to be, and I don't think he knows whether he should talk about it or not, though that's just a guess on my part. We were playing an online game with some other people and one of the other players kept making "jokes" about rape. I finally lost my cool and asked my bf, who was in charge of the group, to deal with the guy. He kicked the guy out of the group, then turned around and killed the guy's character when the guy acted pissy about it. I was already upset about the "jokes", and seeing my calm, mellow boyfriend get violent, even though it was computer animated pretend violence, was too much. I shut myself in my room and couldn't stop crying for half an hour or so.

My boyfriend left me alone for a little while, then came upstairs and calmed me down, talking and joking and giving me lots of hugs. When we went downstairs, he had an apology message from the guy from the game. My boyfriend said to me, "I don't think you've ever been raped, but I implied you had so he'd get a clue." I said, "Um, honey, yes, I have been." He kind of gulped and swallowed and didn't say much else about it. I don't know if he was more struck by the fact that I had been raped, or that I hadn't told him before.

If I did feel the need to talk more about it to him, I know he'd listen and be supportive, like he is with everything. The other night after we went to bed, we had a minor dispute about the fan blowing on the bed. (There's no heat in my room, it's October in Northeast USA, and I was cold. He needs to have white noise and moving air to be able to sleep.) It was easily settled, not even an argument really, and he said, "Thank you for putting up with me." I said, "You aren't much to put up with." He said, "Well, I have things." I said, "So do I. I'm annoying." He said, "I can't think of how." I said, "I cry too much." He said, "Yes, you do. But that just means I need to try harder to make you happy."

We're moving in together next summer. :)
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Thanks for saying so, first of all. You're very kind. :)

Secondly, I have a feeling your boyfriend just doesn't know how to approach the topic. I'd bet anything he's afraid he'll say the wrong thing and step on some emotional landmine that'd end up hurting both of you.

I'd generally advise you sit him down and talk it over...but give it a little time first. Let it sink in. Realizing someone you really care about has been hurt like you have requires a little mental preparation before you're ready to face it head-on. Once he's processed the info, if you really feel a need to talk it over still (and I'm sure you will), you can initiate the conversation. If you push it too soon, odds are his own confusion will make what he wants to say and what he will say not sync up.

Until then. just put it out of your mind for now - save it for when you're both ready to have that talk. Worrying about it will just create the 'elephant in the room' tension effect between the two of you, and who needs that stress? Most of all, let him know (remind him, if you must) that your feelings for him haven't changed - whatever lovey-dovey stuff you two did together, keep with it.

And if you really wanna say something now, just let him know that you care about him (or love him, whatever stage you two are on), that you do want to talk about it but not right now. If he's ready to bring it up, he'll probably ask 'Why not right now?' and then you can go from there. If he isn't, he'll probably agree with you. Again, don't push too hard if he isn't ready.


I'm sorry you've been through that experience, and I'm sorry you have to deal with the aftershocks like this, especially because of some idiotic online jackass (may his corpse forever be camped). But hang tough - if that conversation you two had on the fan is an indication, he does care about you, and I bet his hesitation to talk is, again, out of concern for you.

Hope it works out for you. And, um, if my advice doesn't really sound good to you, just ignore it. I don't have a lot of experience either with relationships or post-trauma support, so my advice is mostly conjecture. ^_^
 
Just wandering through and wishing the best of season to all those healing, those helping those healing and those that brighten their days!

(hugs and handshakes for those that wish them to ) :)
 
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VFaulk, thanks for your post :)

I don't know my boyfriend's reasons for not continuing to discuss the topic, but I know my reason; it doesn't seem necessary. "Rape survivor" or "abuse survivor" are terms that might describe me, but they aren't who or what I am, and I've come to the point where I don't think about it that often unless something triggers a memory or flashback. The subject came up only because of the person on the game, and from my point of view there hasn't been a need to follow up on it because I haven't had any aftereffects. I'm very fortunate with my boyfriend that he treats me with respect and gentleness because he feels like I deserve to be treated that way, not because (as with a partner I had last year) he feels I need "kid gloves" because of what happened in my past.

For me, knowing that I can talk to him about it if I need to is enough to mean that I don't generally need to. I have unconditional love and support from him anyway :)
 
This article was posted in the Sydney Morning Herald today. I've quoted it in its entirety.

Despite all her cries for help, Evelina was left to die

He arrived at her workplace, red roses in one hand, a gun in the other. He shot her twice before turning the gun on himself - in his mind she was better off dead than free.

Evelina Gavrilovic, 43, had waited for years to leave her husband. Finally, when her children had grown up, she thought it was safe to go, first escaping to a refuge, then to a secure unit of her own. A court granted her an apprehended violence order, preventing Slobodan Gavrilovic approaching or contacting her. What no one factored in was the reluctance of police to enforce it and her husband's determination to dominate and control.

Their deaths tell us much about the system that fails families, about a police and court process that is not responsive enough to women's cries for help and about our society that, even now, still finds it acceptable for women to be treated as possessions within a marriage.

Her husband had always been controlling, Evelina told police when she first sought protection. But what had finally prompted her to end the 22-year relationship was his refusal to allow her to leave the house and go to work, use her telephone or the internet, keeping her a virtual prisoner in their home. On January 1, 2006, she told her children - a daughter, 18, and son, 20 - that she planned to leave. Both were surprised, they told police - their parents had fought and there had been some troubled times, but nothing that led them to imagine their parents would separate.

The next day, the whole family sat down to talk and Slobodan Gavrilovic laid down the law. If his wife left she would get nothing, he warned - no money, no house, nothing, a statement to police revealed.

Despite his threats, Evelina left, fleeing to a refuge in south-west Sydney. On January 17 she went to her local police station seeking an immediate apprehended violence order. It was denied.

On January 25, she rang police again, saying she feared for her safety and that she was scared of her husband. Two days later, Slobodan showed up at Granville TAFE, where she was registering for a course.

To stay close to her, he too had enrolled. Again, she reported that to police but again was told she could not be issued with an immediate protection order.

On January 29, he followed her to a friend's house in Canterbury. She was so scared she pulled into a service station and hid behind the counter until police arrived.

"Evelina appeared visibly upset and openly wept on occasions … at times she lost control and began to shake uncontrollably," an officer wrote in his report on the incident.

"She also appeared to be in fear of her husband and would cower when a vehicle attended the service station."

That night police warned Slobodan about his behaviour, telling him to stop following Evelina. But he was never charged with stalking, nor was the apprehended violence order for her protection speeded up.

On January 31 she was forced to move again, this time to the Formule 1 Hotel in Casula. Again he found her - she saw him standing outside her room smoking a cigarette. It was then she told police: "I only feel safe when I am with police or in the women's shelter."

A statement provided by a case worker from the refuge where Evelina had stayed details the nightmare of dealing with a police force that did not seem to realise her danger.

"She was frustrated at having to keep pushing for an interim apprehended violence order … and that her husband was still following her after the application had been made," her statement reads.

When the Herald contacted the worker - who asked not to be identified - the heartbreak of Evelina's murder was still evident more than two years after her death. "We did not ever imagine that it would come to that, but we knew she was in increasing danger," she said. "It was devastating, for us and for the other women in the refuge who had become her friends. She was such a kind, lovely woman, so strong and determined."

The case worker, who accompanied Evelina to police and court several times in a bid to get an apprehended violence order, catalogues the many systemic failures that contributed to her death. The protection order was delayed several times because vital information was left off court documents. Once an interim order was issued there were delays in serving the paperwork, then further delays in court. And every step of the way, Evelina's life was in grave danger.

"Just trying to get an AVO from the police seemed to be a big issue - right up until she was killed we were trying to get the AVO, and we would report breaches of the interim order and the police would do nothing," the worker said. "It was left to her co-workers to escort her to her car and keep her safe."

Evelina worked as an area manager at Red Lea Chicken in Fairfield. She trained and supervised staff and did cooking demonstrations outside the shop. Slobodan would routinely show up at her workplace, making sure she knew he was watching.

Evelina was terrified and reported his actions to the police. They told her it was a public place, what could they do?

In mid-February she moved with her two children to a secure unit in Liverpool, all the while fearing her husband would continue his campaign of harassment and stalking.

He did. In March, a credit card statement arrived with several charges to a car hire company. Their daughter realised he had been renting cars to follow her mother without being detected.

Documents included in the NSW coroner's report on Evelina's death show that police investigating her murder traced the car Slobodan was driving that day to a car hire company. There they found more receipts indicating he had rented a different car many times in the last four months of her life.

An interim apprehended violence order was granted on February 21, 2006, yet the stalking continued until the day of her death.

At 3pm on April 1, Slobodan bought a $20 bunch of red roses from the Living in Bloom florist at Fairfield, in what one senior police officer described as a "last ditch attempt to get back with her", his statement in the coroner's report indicates.

Half an hour later, Slobodan arrived at the shopping centre as Evelina was due to finish work. He went to the rooftop car park and waited at her car, holding the roses in front of him.

When Evelina approached him they argued. She got into her car and he shot her twice, once in the head, and once through the chest. He then shot himself and collapsed.

Evelina managed to get out of the car but fell. Several people called 000 and witnesses later reported seeing a police officer cradling Evelina's head as she fought for life. The bunch of roses lay beside her, covered in blood.

By now, her daughter was worried, her statement to police indicates. Her mother was usually home from work by 4pm. Repeated calls to her mobile phone went unanswered. At 5.10pm, a social worker from Liverpool Hospital had called. Both her parents were there. Her daughter went to the hospital and stayed with her mother until she died at 8pm. Her father died in the same hospital at 4.20am the next day.

Slobodan Gavrilovic had left a suicide note - an emotional, heartbreaking, confused letter that begged for forgiveness for his actions, while insisting that Evelina must be stopped at all costs, that her bid for independence would be forever thwarted.

In the weeks before the shooting, their son said his father appeared severely depressed, indicating that he did not want to live any more or see his children.

At no time did Evelina or her children receive a warning that Slobodan's alarming behaviour might end in such extreme violence, even though there was an enforceable interim apprehended violence order in place and two recently recorded domestic violence incidents on the police system when she was killed.

Indeed, one senior officer was critical that police took no action against Slobodan on the night he had been found stalking Evelina, forcing her to hide in a service station in fear.

"In regard to this incident, I believe police used their discretionary power not to take any further action. However, I also believe there was sufficient evidence on face value for further action to be taken against Slobodan for the offence of stalking under the … NSW Crimes Act," Senior Constable Andrew Barnes wrote in his statement in the report from the coroner. "I - nor anyone else - will never know if this incident could have been averted through more intervention by the police and the courts."
 
There are so many cases of police ignoring pleas for help or court orders against abusers. What a terrible thing for this woman and her family to have gone through. To still be going through, in the family's case.
 
Unfortunately even if one gets an order of protection, it is not enough in many cases.

Sometimes disappearing is the only way to survive.
 
The holiday season can be very difficult for those who have survived abuse. Bumping this thread to remind everyone that if you're struggling, you aren't alone; someone's here for you. And if you're celebrating, we're here to celebrate with you.
 
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