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Curious about dom/mes and subs in "vanilla" relationships

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ultimatebliss

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Jan 22, 2013
Posts
413
I'm always curious about how/why someone with certain desires would date/marry someone who doesn't fulfill said desires. I think sex is a huge part of any relationship, why be with someone that doesn't enjoy the same kinks you do?
 
ultimatebliss said:
I'm always curious about how/why someone with certain desires would date/marry someone who doesn't fulfill said desires. I think sex is a huge part of any relationship, why be with someone that doesn't enjoy the same kinks you do?
Click to expand...

I too am curious about this, as we are constantly getting questions about "how to get my husband/wife to be more Dominant/submissive" yet, hello???? You can't talk to the person, with whom, you vowed to devote your ENTIRE life?
I have never been married, but to me it's almost like marrying someone who doesn't want kids when you do. People rush into marriage all the time. All the divorced men I've dated or with whom I am friends, said they "felt pressured because they were 'that age'" or "they had been dating the girl for ____ number of years" or "she was pregnant".

I suppose the only answers I have are
"people change" although I don't believe that in the majority of BDSM cases (most of us knew we had desires outside the norm before we even knew they had a name)
Or (and most likely) people settle for "good enough" or "I'm scared to be alone, he'll/she'll do"
 
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I've known my husband for over ten years, now. I didn't know I was submissive like this until recently. It started as just liking certain stories and sometimes I would request things that I didn't necessarily know where of a D/s nature.

For the most part, I didn't understand BDSM or D/s or even kink. When I did figure it out, I found talking to the folks here and doing some research helped me to fess up and talk to my husband.

I'm sure I've been this way always, but I just didn't understand it. Lucky for me my husband think it's awesome.
 
ultimatebliss said:
I'm always curious about how/why someone with certain desires would date/marry someone who doesn't fulfill said desires. I think sex is a huge part of any relationship, why be with someone that doesn't enjoy the same kinks you do?
Click to expand...

It actually isn't for everybody. There are people who want romantic relationships but aren't interested in sex.

For the rest of it, I'd say: because it's difficult to know in advance how compatible you're going to be, or whether somebody's tastes are going to change after beginning a relationship. And even if you did - well, if you wait for somebody who's a perfect fit, you'll wait for the rest of your life. Meanwhile, the people who figured out what "close enough" was and put some effort into making it work will be having a pretty good time.
 
And, although it is far less discussed than the how-can-I-get-my-SO-interested-in-my-newly-found-kinks, change goes the other way too. Someone who started off being interested in kinky shit and D/s can over the years lose their interest for it for whatever reason.
 
I met my husband when we were 18. After 27 years we are still deeply in love. He truly is my soul mate. I have never loved someone the way I love him. He loves me in a way he could never love someone else. That's more important to me than any kinky sex.

I married him because he has an open mind and is accepting of my kinks. He may not share them but he has kinks of his own (milder, but kinky NTL) I also didn't fully realize what BDSM was, or that my fantasies could ever be realized. I certainly wasn't going to divorce him because he couldn't/wouldn't swing a flogger hard enough.

I know so many people who say "I won't settle for less" and then follow it with a long list of wants. And those people are alone while I wake up in the arms every morning with the love of my life.

Kinky sex with a friend is easy to find, a soul mate is more difficult and when found should be held on to tightly.

I think I have the best of both worlds. A loving husband who I am completely honest and open with about everything and an Owner who loves me and cares for me while also shares my kinky desires. My Owner is poly so he has other relationships. As much as I love him I don't think I could be married to someone who was poly. I need to be someone's number 1.
 
MeekMe said:
I've known my husband for over ten years, now. I didn't know I was submissive like this until recently. It started as just liking certain stories and sometimes I would request things that I didn't necessarily know where of a D/s nature.

For the most part, I didn't understand BDSM or D/s or even kink.
Click to expand...

This sounds a lot like my story. I didn't figure all this out until recently.

I'm getting better at bringing up my submissive desires with my partner, and he does try sometimes, but I feel like its not what he signed up for back in the day when we met. I know people change but should you throw away an otherwise good relationship because you discover a different kink 10 years later?
 
I'll echo what a few previous replies have said.

There's a saying (and I'm paraphrasing) - never mistake for malice what can be explained by ignorance.

I got married when I was young (21) had and have only ever had sex with one woman my entire life (14 years). Not everyone knows they are into BDSM at 16. Its been so stigmatized and I was raised in the bible belt so even if I had been aware I don't think I would have acted on it. Then when most of us do realize this and are old enough just not to give a fuck about what society thinks any more we have to worry about our SO having the same issues and basically rejecting us and our wants.

Its not an easy spot to be in and I've spoken to several people who were in the same spot.

Now if my wife left town tomorrow never to be seen again and I had to start dating again I absolutely would make finding a kinky partner a priority. But think about that. Men and women look for partners based on stability, appearance, attitude, commonality, potential mother/father, life partner ability, etc. Now we add one more dimension - one which is stigmatized by society.

The initial post made it sound easy - like shopping for a new car. Its not quite so simple.

J
 
S has a mean streak, and he can hit harder than I like, but he's not a dom and he never will be. Am I disappointed? Sure. But I'm also disappointed that he doesn't share my religious views. That he doesn't like cherry tomatoes. That he's not one for bushwhacking despite loving the outdoors.

He's also the first dude I basically even held hands with, let alone kissed. Let alone had sex with. He's 10 years older than me, and he got hitched with the full understanding that I'd be going through the craziness and self-discovery of my 20's while he got dragged along, having already been there done that. (And boy has he been there done that: the only things I think he hasn't done is group sex and heroin.)

So in the span of about 2 years, I came out to him as a hardcore macrophile, a masochist and submissive, asexual, pagan, and trans* genderless person.

And that barely even rocked the boat.

Fuck yes I'm keeping this bastard. He fell in love with me because of the weird-ass comedy shit I drew on DA, and we have an impeccably synched sense of humor. He's an intersectional feminist now that is willing to actually check and examine his privilege.

I don't even really care about sex. No, it's not The Most Important Thing In Every Relationship. I'd rather be told what to do and get beat every once in a while if it meant giving up sex forever. But that's just one tidbit that I've discovered since getting involved with him. And the fact that he's allowed me complete autonomy in this regard, and a completely safe place to figure this shit out, is priceless. It's worth more than actually getting the minutiae of my kinky desires met.

So, no. I don't even remotely consider this "settling".
 
I realize I didn't answer a certain part of the OP's question.

My husband is wonderful and amazing, I love him more than anything. If he couldn't indulge in my desires, I still wouldn't try to replace him. Besides, we make compromises and I, too, do things for him that I wouldn't necessarily do for myself.
 
leatherleaf said:
The initial post made it sound easy - like shopping for a new car. Its not quite so simple.

J
Click to expand...

This.
While I think it's a good idea to take your time and find someone compatible before committing, I dont think it's possible or even desirable to find someone with exactly the same interests, kinks, wants and needs.
To further complicate things people change and it's hard to know what kink, interest, trait or lack thereof is going to be a dealbreaker over time.

I think the best you can do is to take your time and really get to know the other person and to pick someone who you can stand to have around on a rainy, grey tuesday when you have a migraine and really rather would be alone.
 
IrisAlthea said:
This.
While I think it's a good idea to take your time and find someone compatible before committing, I dont think it's possible or even desirable to find someone with exactly the same interests, kinks, wants and needs.
To further complicate things people change and it's hard to know what kink, interest, trait or lack thereof is going to be a dealbreaker over time.

I think the best you can do is to take your time and really get to know the other person and to pick someone who you can stand to have around on a rainy, grey tuesday when you have a migraine and really rather would be alone.
Click to expand...
Agreed-- but being confident that your partner can cater to your sexual needs at least once in a while is good too. Because we don't have migraines all the time.
 
I think most if you have said basically "I met my mate before I realized my kinks and while they don't share them exactly they are willing to indulge at least a little". This is not what I'm asking. I'm talking about the people I've encountered that are miserable in their sexual lives with their mates, do not bring up their kinks to them, and seek outside stimulation. That is my question. Why if you are so unhappy with any aspect of your relationship would you stay. In this case the sex. I would rather be single than compromise something that is important to me. Perfect example; a gentleman I have been sub to and friend to is now in a relationship. The lady does not like toys or kink, he says that's fine but seeks outside stimuli. He cheats. So why stay? Are "we" so scared to be alone? I don't get it. In most if the cases you all have shared I get it, it's been a long time and you have been honest and sharing with your mates it sounds like most are willing to try at least a bit. That's awesome! We obviously change over time.
 
Thank you!

Stella_Omega said:
Agreed-- but being confident that your partner can cater to your sexual needs at least once in a while is good too. Because we don't have migraines all the time.
Click to expand...

Loverskitten said:
I too am curious about this, as we are constantly getting questions about "how to get my husband/wife to be more Dominant/submissive" yet, hello???? You can't talk to the person, with whom, you vowed to devote your ENTIRE life?
I have never been married, but to me it's almost like marrying someone who doesn't want kids when you do. People rush into marriage all the time. All the divorced men I've dated or with whom I am friends, said they "felt pressured because they were 'that age'" or "they had been dating the girl for ____ number of years" or "she was pregnant".

I suppose the only answers I have are
"people change" although I don't believe that in the majority of BDSM cases (most of us knew we had desires outside the norm before we even knew they had a name)
Or (and most likely) people settle for "good enough" or "I'm scared to be alone, he'll/she'll do"
Click to expand...


This lady gets what I'm saying! The fact that so many people I've encountered aren't even honest enough, or string enough to talk to their loved one about it is what gets me. "Oh, she'd never understand" how would you know if you didn't ask?!
 
ultimatebliss said:
I'm talking about the people I've encountered that are miserable in their sexual lives with their mates, do not bring up their kinks to them, and seek outside stimulation. That is my question. Why if you are so unhappy with any aspect of your relationship would you stay. In this case the sex. I would rather be single than compromise something that is important to me.
Click to expand...

Some people don't want to hurt their partners and have figured that cheating is better than leaving. Others have too much tangled up in the relationship, and figure that even if staying hurts, leaving would be worse - kids, finances, social standing, with no guarantee that you'll even get the sex you're after at the end of it.

And some people just prefer to stick with the devil they know, because change is scary.
 
Stella_Omega said:
Agreed-- but being confident that your partner can cater to your sexual needs at least once in a while is good too. Because we don't have migraines all the time.
Click to expand...

Absolutely. I think you have to share some common ground and be willing to compromise a bit.
Thats why it takes a while to find out if it will work in the long run. Thinking that you're compatible with someone based on new relationship energy is a bit like bying a summer house when the appletrees are in bloom around it.
 
Bramblethorn said:
Some people don't want to hurt their partners and have figured that cheating is better than leaving. Others have too much tangled up in the relationship, and figure that even if staying hurts, leaving would be worse - kids, finances, social standing, with no guarantee that you'll even get the sex you're after at the end of it.

And some people just prefer to stick with the devil they know, because change is scary.
Click to expand...

This.
And sometimes it's just a version of "my wife/husband doesn't understand me". A way to explain your cheating to yourself and others.

ultimatebliss said:
This lady gets what I'm saying! The fact that so many people I've encountered aren't even honest enough, or string enough to talk to their loved one about it is what gets me. "Oh, she'd never understand" how would you know if you didn't ask?!
Click to expand...

Why would it be easier to be open with our loved ones, if you think you risk rejection? That's when rejection would hurt the most.
 
As I have heard those (sad) stories of such obvious mismatches it seems there is usually a later awakening of the unhappy partner. They lacked the insight of their basic 'needs' early on in the relationship. Probably had vague feelings of something missing with previous partners as well.

I believe I could switch on occasion with someone I felt otherwise compatible with. I know I could fulfill just about any kink in a service role, but I could not be happy with someone that did not feel a need to serve in general, and me in particular.

Stated baldly, sounds a bit self-centered and narcissistic. Perhaps so. Worse though would be (as apparently I once did) to find someone who gets no joy from service and insist they do their share. I liked the "language of love guy"s perspective a lot- until I actually read his several versions of poorly written drivel. The take-away I get from that is I like speaking and listening the language of service. I recognize that I love people that I want to do things for. I feel loved when others give of themselves through service.

Mismatched libidos I often say is God's cruelest joke. Mismatched in such basic ways as to your seemingly hardwired or nurtured D/s orientation is in the running.
 
My last relationship I tried to live in a vanilla realtionship .. I had told the woman that I was a Dom of over thirty years and we tried for 3 years.. to see if she could try and be my sub.. Needless to say I am no longer with that woman. I could not lie to myself and others by supressing the innermost desires that a Dom needs. I have since found a great newbie sub that is most likely my last.. She is a Dr. and loves to be a sub when her rounds are done.
 
I married within a vanilla relationship. . It didn't work out and dragged me down in many different ways.

I'm now with my childhood sweetheart and when I first found out about his fetishes all those years ago.. I freaked out.

Little did I know that he planted a seed which got me thinking over our many years apart.

We found our way back to each other and it's as if no time has passed.

There is no comparison between my relationship with Daddy and my previous vanilla one.

If you're in one.. good luck to you.. eventually the urges will take over though!
 
ecstaticsub said:
I met my husband when we were 18. After 27 years we are still deeply in love. He truly is my soul mate. I have never loved someone the way I love him. He loves me in a way he could never love someone else. That's more important to me than any kinky sex.

I married him because he has an open mind and is accepting of my kinks. He may not share them but he has kinks of his own (milder, but kinky NTL) I also didn't fully realize what BDSM was, or that my fantasies could ever be realized. I certainly wasn't going to divorce him because he couldn't/wouldn't swing a flogger hard enough.

I know so many people who say "I won't settle for less" and then follow it with a long list of wants. And those people are alone while I wake up in the arms every morning with the love of my life.

Kinky sex with a friend is easy to find, a soul mate is more difficult and when found should be held on to tightly.

I think I have the best of both worlds. A loving husband who I am completely honest and open with about everything and an Owner who loves me and cares for me while also shares my kinky desires. My Owner is poly so he has other relationships. As much as I love him I don't think I could be married to someone who was poly. I need to be someone's number 1.
Click to expand...

Why do you find it appropriate that you betray your husband by being owned by another, whereas you would never be married to someone who was "poly"?
 
I think as long as all parties are aware and ok any situation is fine. For me, I don't need to be owned, I do need to be with someone who can be dominant, rough, and sexually adventurous. I've been sleeping with the same man for 6 years, it's nothing more than sex, he and I explore, we just love pleasing each other. I can switch a bit with him because he gets me that turned on. I however get so turned off when fantasizing and playing online when I find out the guy is married. It makes me question his dominance, his actual love for sex, for those are the two biggest turn ons for me. I want a man or woman who dominates me out of inner strength and security and absolute desire not someone who does it to have a power over someone because they are lacking in their lives. For me my sub nature is not anything but sexual. I'm a strong woman who wants to be satisfied in all aspects of my life I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't even consider dominating me nor could I be with someone I didn't feel comfortable talking to about everything.
 
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