KoPilot
Obscene Epicene
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Posts
- 2,444
I've heard quite a few people say that BDSM or Kink helps their mental illness.
It does.
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I've heard quite a few people say that BDSM or Kink helps their mental illness.
A (not so) brief rant here, that perhaps I might gain some insight . . .
I understand where you are coming from. *hugs* I can't speak to the other side. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can.
It's one thing to forgive someone. It's another thing to know that person is going to do the abusive, toxic shit again and again. That is where I am with my mom right now. I just don't want to talk to her. When I do she attacks.
Also I have someone who contacts me about his plans to do things in my profession. I've seen his illogical and ill advised rants on facebook. I know he is bi polar. I don't want to be a part of anything he plans. When he plans things they turn sleazy and don't uphold my profession the way I am comfortable.
That being said, anger towards him, resentment, and all the rest will eat you up if you allow it. Again, I speak from experience. That awful statement "Revenge is a dish best served cold" completely misses the point. Revenge is a dish that, when served, is partaken of to the hurt of both the giver and the recipient. In equal portions.
Talk to someone you trust, and who is capable of understanding and maybe helping you through this, about your anger.
I understand where you are coming from. *hugs* I can't speak to the other side. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can.
It's one thing to forgive someone. It's another thing to know that person is going to do the abusive, toxic shit again and again. That is where I am with my mom right now. I just don't want to talk to her. When I do she attacks.
Also I have someone who contacts me about his plans to do things in my profession. I've seen his illogical and ill advised rants on facebook. I know he is bi polar. I don't want to be a part of anything he plans. When he plans things they turn sleazy and don't uphold my profession the way I am comfortable.
The sad fact of untreated mental illness among us is that all of us also need to protect ourselves and those we are responsible for from those who act irrationally and hurtfully to the greatest extent practical.
I am a HUGE believer in compassionate boundaries.
IMO, there is no compassion in letting a mentally ill person continue to blunder through life like a bull in a china shop, wrecking (stressing out) the people around them.
They will live forever, feeding off the stress and burdens they've beaten into every soul they meet. The victims will try and try to "work around" things out of respect for the ill person's "differences"... Only to suffer the emotional and physical strain better deserved by the madman.
"I know you have issues (anger/etc); I respect the challenges that must create in your life. I will no longer suffer, just because you expect me to."
And then point out specifics (the good behaviors only lasted two weeks, etc), and you will be devoting your energy elsewhere until XYZ changes have remained constant for ____ amount of time.
Then stick to it.
The arts community may be small, but that doesn't mean he's on every board. Explain your boundaries to every new project, and see if you can't get more people on your side. If the community sets a boundary, it will be harder to ignore it.
A (not so) brief rant here, that perhaps I might gain some insight.
Last night was my last meeting as chair of an non-profit organization. I loved the work I did there but one committee member made it impossible for me to continue. He is bi-polar, has anger issues, and I suspect some other mental illnesses of varying degrees. And, unfortunately, he was one of the founders of the organization and isn't going anywhere soon.
Knowing the stigma that plagues so many with mental illnesses and the lack of compassion and patience shown by the general public, I did my best to work around his problems (which are legion, let me tell you). I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say he made my life progressively more difficult until, in a very rare fit of anger, I quit. He begged me to come back. I agreed to one final face-to-face talk, and he was convincing enough with his vow to behave that I agreed to finish out the season.
He kept his promise for less than two weeks.
I live in a small town, the arts community is even smaller, and I know I will run into this person frequently. I don't know how I'm going to behave toward him. Logically, I know he didn't "mean" to cause me any grief, but emotionally I am absolutely SEETHING with anger. I don't want to be petty or spiteful and I know in a year or so this will all have passed and I won't even care. But right now I'm furious, and hurt.
So how do I remain compassionate in the face of repeated mistreatment? (Seriously, this person has given me an ulcer and has been the cause of many sleepless nights).
And I am not the only bridge he's burned - the town is full of stories.
I guess I'm not here looking for solutions, just curious about how it feels from the other side. If you have a mental illness that has led you to hurt others, what are your thoughts on this?
Hi, K. I'm bipolar (duh), and rage has always been one of the major things I have to contend with. I dunno if I can help, but I'll try.
I've long ranted against people who abandon the crazy in their time of need, but here's the thing. If you were a family member or his girlfriend or his best friend or someone who is very close to him and should be concerned about his well-being, then it would be insensitive of you to walk away. But you aren't. You owe this man nothing other than the kind of common courtesy you'd give to anyone, crazy or no. Just because the people who should be helping are not helping doesn't mean it should fall on you to accommodate his shit. So don't feel guilty.
As far as rage goes in the context of bipolar, it's addictive. That's the only way I know how to put it. It's such a destructive thing, both to yourself and to the people around you, but feels so good while you're doing it. I don't even know how to explain the feeling, really.
Then, you look back later and realize how scary it was. The rage and the paranoia were what eventually led me to get treatment. I was afraid of myself, of this thing in my head.
I understand why they used to think crazy people were possessed by demons. I feel that way sometimes myself. Not literally, of course, but it's like something that's not me takes control of my brain. It shoves me out of the driver's seat, ties me up in the floorboard, and forces me to watch while it drives my body and does whatever kinds of terrible things it wants to do, and I am completely powerless to stop it.
Nowadays, it's not so bad. I drive my brain most of the time, but it was pretty bad there for a long time. I've got a lot of regrets about a lot of the things I did then. It wasn't really "me" doing them, but I'm still the one who's responsible for not being able to fight the demon off. So yeah...lots and lots of regrets.
Ok, I was going to make some point or other, but my daddy called while I was in the middle of typing this and talked for an hour, so now I've lost my train of thought.
The sad fact of untreated mental illness among us is that all of us also need to protect ourselves and those we are responsible for from those who act irrationally and hurtfully to the greatest extent practical.
I'm not bipolar nor do I know very much about it, but I do know about waiting for the other shoe to drop.I've just begun reading this thread, thank you all for the insightful comments and resources... I've a question that I want to get some perspective from those with BP here...
The guy I've just started dating is probably bipolar. And I am feeling a little lost: He was getting out of his depression when I met him, still taking meds, but otherwise seems perfectly normal to me, I'd never have guessed he was depressed or bipolar if he didn't tell me. But the current normalcy worries me... it's as if I'm kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to go into an episode of mania or depression (I don't wish that on him, of course) so I can see how bad it is, and then I can assess whether I can deal with it...
I like him, of course, but I also don't want to overestimate myself and make promises I cannot keep. I've never met anyone else who's bipolar (or at least that I knew of), so I don't know what to expect. Shall I agree to commit, while knowing that there's a chance I'll break the commitment if his BP starts and I find it too much for me? Or shall I wait and see...? Is there an answer that'll be good for both of us?
@CM: I wrote probably because I wasn't sure if having had a single episode of mania would qualify him as bipolar, but after doing some research online after that post, my understanding is that he is indeed bipolar.
He's also only had a single episode of depression thus far. Which means he probably isn't very experienced himself in knowing how to deal with it. I could be wrong. I do plan to talk to him soon about it.
@IrisAthea: thank you for putting it in perspective, those are very wise words.
I was hoping you would chime in, BB. Thanks!
Yeah, I'd be lying if I said I don't feel a small degree of guilt. Not big enough to keep banging my head against that wall but...
This is the part I'm really interested in. How self-aware were you back then, would you say?
See, this fellow will RAGE, then be contrite and apologetic, then...just pick up like nothing happened and the cycle repeats. So there are moments when I think he gets it, and others where I think he must be the most clueless man on the planet, lol.
And it was hit and miss. I never knew what would set him off. In one meeting, he got so belligerent over a side project that he literally would not let me speak. (And I'm the chair!) In frustration and an attempt to calm the fire, I handed the whole thing over to him to run. He sat on it for two months, did absolutely nothing, then dumped the whole thing back in my lap at the very last minute. So now I get to look like the incompetent idiot. Yay.
When he went into RAGE I just never knew how to handle him.
I am sorry to hear that but I am glad you're getting yourself together. I keep reading your posts and being amazed at how fricken amazingly sharp you seem these days. You were always intelligent but now you also seem insightful and level headed. I think you would make an excellent advocate for others who perhaps need some help.
As for this person, I have serious doubts he'll get it together. It will take something huge, I think, to push him into seriously seeking help. I'm shocked he's held his life together as well as he has.
LOL. I loved what you had to say. Thanks.
I've just begun reading this thread, thank you all for the insightful comments and resources... I've a question that I want to get some perspective from those with BP here...
The guy I've just started dating is probably bipolar. And I am feeling a little lost: He was getting out of his depression when I met him, still taking meds, but otherwise seems perfectly normal to me, I'd never have guessed he was depressed or bipolar if he didn't tell me. But the current normalcy worries me... it's as if I'm kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to go into an episode of mania or depression (I don't wish that on him, of course) so I can see how bad it is, and then I can assess whether I can deal with it...
I like him, of course, but I also don't want to overestimate myself and make promises I cannot keep. I've never met anyone else who's bipolar (or at least that I knew of), so I don't know what to expect. Shall I agree to commit, while knowing that there's a chance I'll break the commitment if his BP starts and I find it too much for me? Or shall I wait and see...? Is there an answer that'll be good for both of us?
My therapist has suggested I have DIssociative identity disorder. Low on the scale but still there. I take breaks from this site frequently to protect my littles.
It's difficult to really wrap my head around. Obviously ive been functioning this way for a long time and I keep my parts well kept and managed a lot of the time. But now that I have "permission" to speak from all parts rather than just my logical head..it makes me realise how much they all play a role in my day to day living. Sometimes I want to go back and have this all secret to me.
Hey so I'm preparing to go see a shrink to help me deal with my panic issues, anxiety, and phobias. The shitty part is that the only person that is really going to know is my husband, who lives a 3 hour plane ride away from me. In other words, I don't intend on really telling anyone in my family, not even the grandmother I currently live with, because I don't have the spoons to justify myself. I have a doctor that I want to phone up, but gathering the courage to make that first call and appointment is scaring the hell out of me and I don't want to put it off so long that I'm able to convince myself for the umpteenth time that I don't have serious problems that need addressing. Any tips on how to make this first step other than "just do it"?
Also, is it really hard to find a queer/kink friendly doc, or are they getting more common these days? Because the list of friendly docs on official websites are pretty pitiful and none of them take my insurance. I'm wondering what kind of odds are in my favor for this.
I'm going to be real with you: If you're at this early of a point in the relationship, and you're already thinking about exit plans just in case it's too much for you to handle, do both of y'all a favor and go on and leave now.