My husband and I are interested in dabbling around the edges of BDSM to enrich our sex life. I don't see us going to any clubs or anything that serious, and we aren't going to try anything dangerous or painful (don't try this at home means something to us!). Can you give me some tips on how to get started? How we can learn about it; for example, how he can learn to give a good spanking that doesn't involve hitting my tailbone? Of course I'm reading a lot about it, but we need some concrete advice for Step 1, Step 2, etc.
Intro to very beginning BDSM
- Thread starter WildFawn
- Start date
Are you expecting a manual?
Ingredients:
*Min' 2 willing participants (For more participants scale up ingredients proportionally)
*Four two-meter length hemp ropes of custom colour
*1 copy of the Psychiatrists Annotated 50 Shades of Grey
*Personalized tools for flavour
*200g Sugar, spice, and everything nice to dust
Optional (up to 100g)
*Blindfolds
*MP3 containing appropriate music
Method:
1. Grease willing submissive and place in large saucepan.
2. -
...Actually that might be a tad hardcore if you're just starting out.
Maybe just browse tumblr, note interests and practice everything till you find something you like.
Ingredients:
*Min' 2 willing participants (For more participants scale up ingredients proportionally)
*Four two-meter length hemp ropes of custom colour
*1 copy of the Psychiatrists Annotated 50 Shades of Grey
*Personalized tools for flavour
*200g Sugar, spice, and everything nice to dust
Optional (up to 100g)
*Blindfolds
*MP3 containing appropriate music
Method:
1. Grease willing submissive and place in large saucepan.
2. -
...Actually that might be a tad hardcore if you're just starting out.
Maybe just browse tumblr, note interests and practice everything till you find something you like.
BensSweetSubmissive
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2017
- Posts
- 16
That was too funny. And quite entertaining to read.
As far as advice goes, I think it's basically just talking with your partner about things you'd like to try with each other. And then try them. I haven't seen Fifty Shades of Grey so I don't even know if that would be helpful. So mostly communication and practice. Kinda a learn as you go thing, as long as you aren't trying anything dangerous.
Nezhul
Angry Flufferpuff
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2015
- Posts
- 2,241
1) Even the simplest things you do - research. Tie hands behind your back? Research how to do this properly. Buy a gag or handcuffs? Go to the net and research.
This will make your life MUCH easier.
2) Try one thing at a time. When you are comfortable with it - move on to something else.
For example, don't try to fit bondage, spanking and submizzive play into the same session. It may seem like an easy thing, but it's not. It's always awkward the first time, and it's much better to dedicate time to learn it and then just have some quality sex with no more stuff piled on top of it.
3) If you are into rope bondage - take time to practice it outside of sex. Just plan an hour in the evening, get some good rope (research what kind you need), open a bondage tutorial on your laptop and just have one of you act as a model while the other practices the ties. Discuss what works and what doesn't. Practice the tie several times until your dom fully gets the hang of it.
It may seem dull, but it helps a lot, and also no one says that you can't kiss or talk stuff while you do it. The benefit of this practice is that when there's time dedicated to it - there's no performance anxiety and no stress. You can F-up your tie completely and just redo it without worrying that you are ruining your sexy time.
4) Read up on proper D&S relationship. I often see new subs and doms getting confused about stuff - for example a dominant may feel that it's proper if the Sub obeys every one of his orders, and the Sub, in turn, may feel like they're obliged to do so. In the end, both are left discontent.
Read up. Always remember that your relationship is one thing, and kinky play is another. I recommend for the first year or two to not even think bringing stuff out of the bedroom, and if you decide to do that later on - bring that stuff one at a time. Again, a common mistake is to create a complicated and lengthy "contract" and then fail to follow it through. It may turn you on, but it may as well be unrealistic.
This will make your life MUCH easier.
2) Try one thing at a time. When you are comfortable with it - move on to something else.
For example, don't try to fit bondage, spanking and submizzive play into the same session. It may seem like an easy thing, but it's not. It's always awkward the first time, and it's much better to dedicate time to learn it and then just have some quality sex with no more stuff piled on top of it.
3) If you are into rope bondage - take time to practice it outside of sex. Just plan an hour in the evening, get some good rope (research what kind you need), open a bondage tutorial on your laptop and just have one of you act as a model while the other practices the ties. Discuss what works and what doesn't. Practice the tie several times until your dom fully gets the hang of it.
It may seem dull, but it helps a lot, and also no one says that you can't kiss or talk stuff while you do it. The benefit of this practice is that when there's time dedicated to it - there's no performance anxiety and no stress. You can F-up your tie completely and just redo it without worrying that you are ruining your sexy time.
4) Read up on proper D&S relationship. I often see new subs and doms getting confused about stuff - for example a dominant may feel that it's proper if the Sub obeys every one of his orders, and the Sub, in turn, may feel like they're obliged to do so. In the end, both are left discontent.
Read up. Always remember that your relationship is one thing, and kinky play is another. I recommend for the first year or two to not even think bringing stuff out of the bedroom, and if you decide to do that later on - bring that stuff one at a time. Again, a common mistake is to create a complicated and lengthy "contract" and then fail to follow it through. It may turn you on, but it may as well be unrealistic.
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MasterGrimoir
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2015
- Posts
- 26
Well if you really are dabbling you don't even know who's submissive, who's dominant and if these terms are even relevant to the two of you but here's a fun way to find out. Take it in turns to sit in a chair whilst your partner sits between your legs and makes sure that they know how to masturbate you to orgasm, they can tell you to demonstrate what excites you the most if they wish and you are obliged to demonstrate. Before you start this lots of kissing, cuddling and caressing so you are both very aroused when you begin.
Once you can easily bring one another to orgasm, do the same but instead of brining your partner to orgasm get them to the point where they are about to come and then by slowing down, speeding up and generally varying your technique keep them as close to coming as you dare for as long as you possibly can. Get this right and you'll soon discover how important having a partner that is bound securely but safely to the chair is. In addition once you can tease effectively you can experiment with blindfolds, brushes, feathers, vibrators, nipple clamps, butt-plugs (sit your partner well forwards for those), whatever you fancy and discover what adds to your partners enjoyment.
Once you can easily bring one another to orgasm, do the same but instead of brining your partner to orgasm get them to the point where they are about to come and then by slowing down, speeding up and generally varying your technique keep them as close to coming as you dare for as long as you possibly can. Get this right and you'll soon discover how important having a partner that is bound securely but safely to the chair is. In addition once you can tease effectively you can experiment with blindfolds, brushes, feathers, vibrators, nipple clamps, butt-plugs (sit your partner well forwards for those), whatever you fancy and discover what adds to your partners enjoyment.
Bramblethorn
Sleep-deprived
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Posts
- 16,739
"Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" is good as a beginner resource that focusses on the fun side of things.
Beyond that, once you've got the safety basics down: google a "BDSM checklist", work through it and figure out what activities you're both interested in. If you really need an ice-breaker, apply the randomiser of your choice and try whatever comes up (safety permitting).
Beyond that, once you've got the safety basics down: google a "BDSM checklist", work through it and figure out what activities you're both interested in. If you really need an ice-breaker, apply the randomiser of your choice and try whatever comes up (safety permitting).
tinglebliss
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 16, 2017
- Posts
- 1,030
Start with talking about things that you are interested in. Find different things around the house, scarf or two, wooden spoon, brush, etc. Get the scarf and use it as a blindfold. See if the other person is comfortable. Then pat the wooden spoon on their back or arm, tickle the brush along the back of their neck.Then run your fingernails along their back or arm. You are looking for their reaction, hopefully good.
If this is boring them, then bend them over and pat their bottom a few times with the wooden spoon and if like slightly harder. Ask them out of 10 (10 is high stop and 1 is boring), keep patting them with the spoon getting them to say a number. You will soon find out how hard to hit them. It is best to stop at 5. Then run your fingernails. You don't want to go too far to soon. Run your fingernails down the warmed up area.
Swap over after a while and do the same, to see if they react. Don't forget numbers!
You will soon find out who likes to receive (sub) and who likes to deliver (Dom)
If this is boring them, then bend them over and pat their bottom a few times with the wooden spoon and if like slightly harder. Ask them out of 10 (10 is high stop and 1 is boring), keep patting them with the spoon getting them to say a number. You will soon find out how hard to hit them. It is best to stop at 5. Then run your fingernails. You don't want to go too far to soon. Run your fingernails down the warmed up area.
Swap over after a while and do the same, to see if they react. Don't forget numbers!
You will soon find out who likes to receive (sub) and who likes to deliver (Dom)
SalvDali
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2016
- Posts
- 309
http://mojoupgrade.com/
This is where we started. One of you takes the test, then the other takes the test. It will then compare your results and only give you results of things you are both interested in trying. I was quite shocked at the results from this test and if either of you has no interest in something it is removed from the results so you don't have that awkward moment because you like something that your partner said hell no to. Neither of us are into pain either other than some spanking and some nipple clamps/pinching.
As far as spanking, we started with just using my hand... I still think this is the best place to start. It is easiest to control the power of the spank and figure out the places you like to be spanked. I am quite fond of the reaction I get from a pussy smack, especially if I have had her on the edge of cumming for a while and she isn't expecting it.
Bondage.. Velcro cuffs to start.. they are pretty cheap, even cheaper if you go to home depot or Wal-Mart and just get a 15-20' strip of Velcro and make your own. We started here and found bondage is kinda our thing. We moved on to leather cuffs and even had a custom bed built from a place I found on line. ( We didn't wand something that said "hey guess what we do")
As far as other toys, swing (Yoga hammock works best IMO), a good vibrator, butt plug, dildo, (N joy wand is my personal favorite) Amazon is a great place to shop for toys and outfits, also found some really nice spreader bars on etsy.
Other than that its mainly about open communication, always be prepared for things to not go as expected, the shock of something new can ruin the moment the first time you try it. The first time we used the N-joy wand, she hated it, like i though it would never come out of the drawer again.. but a week later she asked me to use it and she came so hard I had to wait for her to come down and relax before I could get it out
We started down this path almost 2 years ago after being together for 15 years... It can be a lot of fun especially if you find your way into sub space.
This is where we started. One of you takes the test, then the other takes the test. It will then compare your results and only give you results of things you are both interested in trying. I was quite shocked at the results from this test and if either of you has no interest in something it is removed from the results so you don't have that awkward moment because you like something that your partner said hell no to. Neither of us are into pain either other than some spanking and some nipple clamps/pinching.
As far as spanking, we started with just using my hand... I still think this is the best place to start. It is easiest to control the power of the spank and figure out the places you like to be spanked. I am quite fond of the reaction I get from a pussy smack, especially if I have had her on the edge of cumming for a while and she isn't expecting it.
Bondage.. Velcro cuffs to start.. they are pretty cheap, even cheaper if you go to home depot or Wal-Mart and just get a 15-20' strip of Velcro and make your own. We started here and found bondage is kinda our thing. We moved on to leather cuffs and even had a custom bed built from a place I found on line. ( We didn't wand something that said "hey guess what we do")
As far as other toys, swing (Yoga hammock works best IMO), a good vibrator, butt plug, dildo, (N joy wand is my personal favorite) Amazon is a great place to shop for toys and outfits, also found some really nice spreader bars on etsy.
Other than that its mainly about open communication, always be prepared for things to not go as expected, the shock of something new can ruin the moment the first time you try it. The first time we used the N-joy wand, she hated it, like i though it would never come out of the drawer again.. but a week later she asked me to use it and she came so hard I had to wait for her to come down and relax before I could get it out
We started down this path almost 2 years ago after being together for 15 years... It can be a lot of fun especially if you find your way into sub space.
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cookiecat
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2006
- Posts
- 22,045
Hi Mr. Dali - it's always good to see you again!
Everyone's given great suggestions. I've also enjoyed watching kinky porn together and seeing what we each liked. Some (most) of it is pretty outrageous but I always had fun with a partner watching, talking about what turned us on, how we could adapt it to fit us.
It's great you guys are thinking safety - keep using google for info. I just searched "safe bdsm" and a ton of stuff comes up. It's really easy to get caught up in the adrenaline lusty feelings and all sane, safety stuff flies out the door.
Have fun!
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