Down on my Luck

Any advice on finding the right Dom? I have had several bad experiences, one that I thought would work out but didn't, and one that I am interested in but he is not. I'm getting very discouraged (which is probably because I'm so young and am looking for it to work out right away, which I realize is silly). I'd really appreciate any advice.

Xoxx,
Sunny

Depends on your preferences.

But the rule of thumb, I think, is this should be the man whom you are comfortable with without the kink. If you feel that he loves you and cares for you - he will make a great dom.
I'd say almost as many as 90% of men wouldn't mind to dominate a woman as long as she likes it.

Don't get the wrong idea though. The fact that he's kind and loving, the fact that he cares for you outside of kink - doesn't mean he will not be able to be sexually sadistic or strict towards you when it comes to kink. It will just mean that he will always value your interests, even if it means spanking your ass raw or bringing you to tears (in a good way).

So I say look not for kink. Look for a man. Kink will follow.

Nezhul said:

Depends on your preferences.

But the rule of thumb, I think, is this should be the man whom you are comfortable with without the kink. If you feel that he loves you and cares for you - he will make a great dom.
I'd say almost as many as 90% of men wouldn't mind to dominate a woman as long as she likes it.

Don't get the wrong idea though. The fact that he's kind and loving, the fact that he cares for you outside of kink - doesn't mean he will not be able to be sexually sadistic or strict towards you when it comes to kink. It will just mean that he will always value your interests, even if it means spanking your ass raw or bringing you to tears (in a good way).

So I say look not for kink. Look for a man. Kink will follow.

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There is a huge amount of wisdom here, and I love your "care outside kink" test as a starting place.

I think it's optimistic, however, to make possession of a penis a likely indicator of viable Domhood (not to mention Dommehood ). Forgive me for co-opting your words, but I'd edit your last sentence to read "So I say look not for kink. Look for a man who is at least in part aroused by sexual dominance. Kink will follow."

I'd compare it to other areas. If you're looking for someone with whom to share your passion for preparing Thai food, start with people who exhibit some interest in cooking generally.

This probably is all superfluous to the OP, to whom I wish good luck and add that, this might be a good time to reflect. What qualities and conditions worked from your shortlived interactions? What were impediments? What did you learn, however small, about what qualities and approaches you want in a D? Are you getting an idea (from these or from observing other dynamics) for what your ideal D/s relationship might look like at this time in your life? The more you reflect on these things now, the better positioned you will be to act with confidence when possible dominants arise.

Finding a life partner is hard no matter who you are.

The best advice is to find someone who is interested in YOU and let everything else work itself out one way or another. Forget finding a KINKY partner, find a partner. Forget finding a REAL MAN and find a partner. Forget finding a DOM and find a partner.

Because it's not about finding someone who you want your partner to be. It's about finding a partner. Being together means compromise by everyone in the relationship. You may have to live with a less dominant partner to have a partner you can trust, talk to, and want to be around long term. Failure to compromise might mean you don't ever find a relationship.

You haven't been looking that long (basing that off the date of your personal post), you are young so sometimes inexperience clouds reality and finding a D/s relationship that clicks is just as difficult as a vanilla one. Harder, I suppose because you're adding that layer of D and s.

Are you looking for online only? That does open up more possibilities both good and bad. Do you want a relationship or just experience?? It took me a while to figure out there's a difference. Maybe you just want a Daddy / Dom to help you learn a few things without having a full blown "relationship."

Take your time. Enjoy being a newbie. Approach it as you would any relationship. Ask a million questions. Have fun!

cookiecat said:

You haven't been looking that long (basing that off the date of your personal post), you are young so sometimes inexperience clouds reality and finding a D/s relationship that clicks is just as difficult as a vanilla one. Harder, I suppose because you're adding that layer of D and s.

Are you looking for online only? That does open up more possibilities both good and bad. Do you want a relationship or just experience?? It took me a while to figure out there's a difference. Maybe you just want a Daddy / Dom to help you learn a few things without having a full blown "relationship."

Take your time. Enjoy being a newbie. Approach it as you would any relationship. Ask a million questions. Have fun!

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This.

Also know that your post is bound to elicit tons of replies here. The "young and I don't know what to do" sub thing is catnip to these guys.
Be careful. You don't have to interact with these guys if you don't want to. There are some great guys here, but there is a lot of guys who are just asshats. You don't owe anyone anything.

I like what DGE said about making sure the guy is dominant, if that's what you want. You want a real man that will treat you well. Real men are submissive, too. If it's a long term relationship you want, and you know you want a Dom, don't settle for less.

I'm a newbie, too. Feel free to PM me anytime.

I really like what I've read here so far - many smart pieces of advice. I would add the following:

Be honest with yourself and others about what you're looking for in a Dom, and it is totally ok if you're unsure at times or find it changing. This usually requires a lot of research, reflection, and thinking about dynamics and activities that have worked well (or not so well!) in the D/s interactions you've had so far. For many people this is a constant process and sometimes difficult to articulate. That's one reason it can be helpful to browse the interwebs and see what others have written.

Be respectful of yourself and others and demand it from those you interact with, especially those to whom you might give control over you. If a Dom isn't respectful of you on a basic human level, that's a really bad sign. Have your bullshit detector turned up to 11, because, well, there's a lot of bullshitters out there who will take advantage of you if they can. (And that's not a D/s or BDSM thing, that's just a life thing.) Even if one of your kinks is being disrespected - and there are many ways to do that which many in the BDSM world will all agree are total gussetgushers and scrotumclenchers - it's generally better long term to engage in those activities with someone you've established a relationship with that's built on trust and respect.

And finally (for anyone still reading), try to have patience. Sometimes when people are new to D/s there's a frenzy where they want to try all the things and have all the feels immediately. It's understandable; good D/s relationships are the fucking tits and when you know it's what you want you don't want to waste time wading through false starts and dead-end paths. But finding solid relationships of any kind just typically takes patience. Have experiences, learn from them so you're smarter in the next relationship, and keep things in perspective. There will be ups and downs, but such is life.

Oh and if your ultimate aim is to find someone in person, get on Fetlife and look for munches in your area. Getting involved in your local community is the best way to meet other kinksters near you and expand the pool of potential Doms.

Agreeing with many of the above posts.

My only additional advice is to take your time. As stated, sub frenzy happens and is real. Get to know the potential Dom first. Do not play the first time you meet. First meet should be getting to know the person and see if you are even compatible. Then exchange your lists.

I have met so many that feel like if they can get you to meet, you will be willing to play and you will never hear from them again. Don't give them that power. Be clear that the first meet is talk only, in a public place. If they cannot accept that, do you really want them to Dom you?

One thing struck me as I've been reflecting on this thread: in my earlier post, I neglected to simply say that ... it's hard. It really is. Miles alluded to that, and cookie. It's just a difficult thing (or can be) to find a great match for D/s who has the same needs and goals as you (kinky and otherwise).

That may not help to hear, or perhaps it's reassuring.

I've been reading the posts and I've got another thought.
Please remember that any kink activity is an activity. It requires experience from both you and your dom.
What I'm trying to say is - don't be discouraged if something works less than perfectly the first time you try it. The ropes are slipping, spanking is off, the lube is all over the place and dirty talk is awkward and weird... this happens, especially if you both lack experience.

Take it slow. Even something as "simple" as spanking is actually a skill your dom needs to learn to perform. He will get better the second-third-nth time, especially if you openly communicate what was off and what you liked.

So don't be disappointed if things are "not working out". If the man is enthusiastic and you like and trust him - help him to learn how it's done properly.

You can't shape someone into being what you need.
Do not settle.

And maybe let him find you.

I am not very helpful I know.

Ugh, I love you all!! This is just what I needed to hear!

sunshine57 said:

Any advice on finding the right Dom? I have had several bad experiences, one that I thought would work out but didn't, and one that I am interested in but he is not. I'm getting very discouraged (which is probably because I'm so young and am looking for it to work out right away, which I realize is silly). I'd really appreciate any advice.

Xoxx,
Sunny

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I've been there too! It just takes patience - which is difficult!! But finding the right Dom can't be forced - you either click or don't. You are a strong girl!! Learn about yourself and he will find you!!

NaughtyKitty06 said:

Learn about yourself and he will find you!!

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this

Miasorrow said:

You can't shape someone into being what you need.
Do not settle.

And maybe let him find you.

I am not very helpful I know.

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Actually very helpful!

I used to be the one looking for the perfect one, going for exactly what I wanted, but with the time I realized, men are just not as excited as us when being preyed. So I took a different approach. I knitted my spider web and just waited patiently. It took a while, but then the perfect fly flew right into it. I still cannot believe that he is that delicious. Physically and mentally my perfect match.

So patience is the key

I believe it was one of the first things that you posted but you said you were looking for someone near your age, is that still the case? What is your preferred age range?

Gianbattista said:

I agree not to settle but I also think do not be unrealistic; everyone is human thus not perfect and a great partner for you might not be who you imagined.

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Yea, but fetish skills are just what it is: skills. Most of them can be learned or changed, adjusted to your partner.

It's the personality that can not. That's why I say you mainly search for a right person. It's much easier to bring the kink to the right level when you have found a good man, than it is to mold a good master into being a right person for you.

In my experience there are a lot of women who want to be subs. They like the whole idea of being sexuaully controlled all the time is an exciting fantasy. The reality is most of us don't like to be dominated all the time.

My suggestion is you say I would liked to be dommed today. Make me do bad things.