I recently started dabbling in rough sex/kink/light bdsm, not really because I sought it out- it just arose from a casual sex situation. I've been curious about bdsm for a long time and I definitely like some aspects of it, but I had never tried anything kinky until recently because I was too shy to talk about it and my partners were very vanilla. I'm currently non-monogamous and I have a few different friends-with-benefits/fuckbuddies. These aren't people I know well at all, I've only been meeting up with them since April or May.
About 10 days ago I had a threesome with a couple, and they were very rough. Or at least, more rough than I'm used to- lots of hard biting and pinching/pulling on my nipples and roughly squeezing my tits. I ended up with a ton of bruises on my tits and shoulders that are still (faintly) visible today. We hadn't talked about it ahead of time and I hadn't told them my boundaries, but they happened to not cross any of them. I had a great time and would totally do it again.
Last night I met up with a guy that I've been fucking for the past few months. Before yesterday the kinkiest he had gotten with me was light hair pulling and spanking, and we hadn't talked about bdsm at all. But we were chatting before sex last night and I told him a little about the threesome- all I said was that they were rough and left bruises. He saw the bruises later in the night, after we got each other's clothes off. And I guess he assumed that it meant he could be rough with me too? Things started out normally but then while I was sucking his dick, he randomly grabbed a fistful of my hair and started facefucking me violently. I would probably be okay with that, but it surprised me and he hit my gag reflex, so I pulled away to take a quick breath. When I tried to pull away he hit me hard, across the face, snapping my head to the side. And then tried to shove his dick back in my mouth.
He had no way of knowing this, because I'm very private about it until I know someone well enough and trust them (or you know, when I can hide behind anonymity on the internet), but I have ptsd from extended periods of severe child abuse. I did a couple years of therapy and I'm pretty good at coping now, but occasionally I'll still be triggered by something and have a panic attack or episode of dissociation. While I like some things in bdsm, like pain and biting and nipple torture and orgasm control, it's not a good idea for me to participate in hitting/choking because those things are likely to trigger my ptsd.
Anyway, I froze up when he hit me, I was scared, I backed out of his reach and couldn't look at him and couldn't find my voice. He immediately started to apologize ('I'm sorry, I thought you would like it, are you okay? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that", etc.) but I was in 'protect myself' mode and I wordlessly found my clothes and got dressed and got the fuck out of there. I sat in my car for about 20 minutes and collected my thoughts and eventually decided to go back in to his apartment and talk to him about it. He was extremely apologetic and acknowledged that he should have asked me or talked to me about it first. I accepted his apology and explained a little about what my boundaries are and why. It was awkward and I left again pretty quickly.
I feel guilty for not expanding on the conversation about the rough threesome that left bruises. And for not being more proactive about discussing my boundaries/triggers. I had no reason to expect that sex with him would ever be kinkier than light hair pulling and spanking, and I definitely did not expect him to ever hit me, especially not that hard. I'm curious about some aspects of bdsm, but I didn't meet any of these fwb people in a bdsm setting. But it seems like a huge jump for him to go from 'this girl had rough sex with other people that left bruises below the neck' to 'it's okay for me to hit this girl across the face', right??
How could I have avoided this? Should I expect that once people know I have a kinky side, they might assume anything is fair game? What's the correct etiquette for setting up boundaries in kinky casual sex?
About 10 days ago I had a threesome with a couple, and they were very rough. Or at least, more rough than I'm used to- lots of hard biting and pinching/pulling on my nipples and roughly squeezing my tits. I ended up with a ton of bruises on my tits and shoulders that are still (faintly) visible today. We hadn't talked about it ahead of time and I hadn't told them my boundaries, but they happened to not cross any of them. I had a great time and would totally do it again.
Last night I met up with a guy that I've been fucking for the past few months. Before yesterday the kinkiest he had gotten with me was light hair pulling and spanking, and we hadn't talked about bdsm at all. But we were chatting before sex last night and I told him a little about the threesome- all I said was that they were rough and left bruises. He saw the bruises later in the night, after we got each other's clothes off. And I guess he assumed that it meant he could be rough with me too? Things started out normally but then while I was sucking his dick, he randomly grabbed a fistful of my hair and started facefucking me violently. I would probably be okay with that, but it surprised me and he hit my gag reflex, so I pulled away to take a quick breath. When I tried to pull away he hit me hard, across the face, snapping my head to the side. And then tried to shove his dick back in my mouth.
He had no way of knowing this, because I'm very private about it until I know someone well enough and trust them (or you know, when I can hide behind anonymity on the internet), but I have ptsd from extended periods of severe child abuse. I did a couple years of therapy and I'm pretty good at coping now, but occasionally I'll still be triggered by something and have a panic attack or episode of dissociation. While I like some things in bdsm, like pain and biting and nipple torture and orgasm control, it's not a good idea for me to participate in hitting/choking because those things are likely to trigger my ptsd.
Anyway, I froze up when he hit me, I was scared, I backed out of his reach and couldn't look at him and couldn't find my voice. He immediately started to apologize ('I'm sorry, I thought you would like it, are you okay? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that", etc.) but I was in 'protect myself' mode and I wordlessly found my clothes and got dressed and got the fuck out of there. I sat in my car for about 20 minutes and collected my thoughts and eventually decided to go back in to his apartment and talk to him about it. He was extremely apologetic and acknowledged that he should have asked me or talked to me about it first. I accepted his apology and explained a little about what my boundaries are and why. It was awkward and I left again pretty quickly.
I feel guilty for not expanding on the conversation about the rough threesome that left bruises. And for not being more proactive about discussing my boundaries/triggers. I had no reason to expect that sex with him would ever be kinkier than light hair pulling and spanking, and I definitely did not expect him to ever hit me, especially not that hard. I'm curious about some aspects of bdsm, but I didn't meet any of these fwb people in a bdsm setting. But it seems like a huge jump for him to go from 'this girl had rough sex with other people that left bruises below the neck' to 'it's okay for me to hit this girl across the face', right??
How could I have avoided this? Should I expect that once people know I have a kinky side, they might assume anything is fair game? What's the correct etiquette for setting up boundaries in kinky casual sex?
