Confused.

Confused because I am controlling in day to day life, meaning I like my routine and I want control of all things at all times, but when it comes to sex, I am not dominant. I read mostly romantic bdsm or non-consent stories and they get me so turned on.

Have no clue what to do about it as I hate being told what to do but get turned on by D/s stories and the idea of it (to an extent).

curvyjae said:

Confused because I am controlling in day to day life, meaning I like my routine and I want control of all things at all times, but when it comes to sex, I am not dominant. I read mostly romantic bdsm or non-consent stories and they get me so turned on.

Have no clue what to do about it as I hate being told what to do but get turned on by D/s stories and the idea of it (to an extent).

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What's so confusing? Everyone likes a change from time to time. The beauty of bondage is that it takes the control out of your hands. If bound and helpless, you have no choice but to do what the other person tells you to. And if gagged, you can't even complain about it. If you're a control freak, it will either be heaven or hell, depending on whether you know how to relinquish control. But I don't think the hard part is relinquishing control. The hard part is finding that person you can trust enough to give that control to. I'm still looking myself.

It is confusing because I like control so much but find the ideal of someone else being in control so alluring. But yes, I don't trust anyone, so perhaps that is why I find difficulty in not being controlling.

Very insightful response.. I hope you find someone!

curvyjae said:

Confused because I am controlling in day to day life, meaning I like my routine and I want control of all things at all times, but when it comes to sex, I am not dominant. I read mostly romantic bdsm or non-consent stories and they get me so turned on.

Have no clue what to do about it as I hate being told what to do but get turned on by D/s stories and the idea of it (to an extent).

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Well you're the only one who can decide what to do about it. Is it uncomfortable? Is it a requirement when seeking companionship? Is it a passing phase or permanent? Etc. You know yourself better than we do so get brain-wracking.

Unless you're asking if you can make it go away? I'd direct you to the nearest lobotomist.

Since I use my brain daily for work and play I suppose I need to think then, lobotomy is off the table.

In a perfect world, this would probably not be so hard. Who wouldn't want the opportunity to have total control over someone else sexually? And who wouldn't want to give up control and let someone else ravish them to the point of exhaustion? Both would be my fantasies.

But this is not a perfect world. There are a lot of crazies out there. Which is why we hesitate.

Some of the most submissive people in the bedroom are some of the most dominant, self assured, in control people in every day life. I know that in many cases it gives you a chance to take a break from always being "on" and lets you relinquish that control to someone. I've just recently realized how submissive I am sexually speaking but not in the true sub dom sense...but I've always had men who aren't very controlling in bed and just let me take over (for the most part). Sexuality is so fluid and fun and we learn new things about ourselves constantly. I wouldn't be concerned unless it was causing you to do things that harm you or other people.

curvyjae said:

Since I use my brain daily for work and play I suppose I need to think then, lobotomy is off the table.

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How much of life is an effort to conform to a label? I like girls and I like guys - so the label is bi. Well this week I hate girls so am I now less than bi - now I'm straight? I guess I am asking if we spend too much time trying to fit into a preconceived notion of who we are suppose to be instead of enjoying who we are?

Your confusion is understandable. Its quite possible that you are a Alpha submissive and it will take a special dominant to earn your submission. Although you will find a great sense of freedom once you have found the right person. I have a couple of friends that are Alpha subs. If you would like to chat pm me.

OP, ever think you aren't submissive but just like kinky sex? You can have kinky sex without relinquishing control. You can relinquish control without having kinky sex. Or maybe you want a bedroom only or occasional arrangement. There's no right or wrong way to do this. Find a compatible partner that wants to try things out with you. Take it slow and find out what you like and what you don't like, over time you can decide if you want a label or something else.

I suggest reading around this board and getting some more info about what goes on beyond lit stories. Stories are usually fantasy based and leave out all the non-kinky non-sexy stuff that goes on. Also, when someone on this board asks you to PM them and they aren't regulars here, they're likely not going to be helpful to you. They're looking to talk you into something and they don't want to say it here in the thread because they'll be called out on their bullshit like that whole "alpha" thing and finding that special guy that earns your submission.

dale124 said:

Who wouldn't want the opportunity to have total control over someone else sexually?

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I wouldn't, sounds like hell. People that aren't interested in power exchange and pyls that don't want control.

dale124 said:

And who wouldn't want to give up control and let someone else ravish them to the point of exhaustion?

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Again, non-d/s people and PYLs that aren't interested in giving up control.

curvyjae said:

Confused because I am controlling in day to day life, meaning I like my routine and I want control of all things at all times, but when it comes to sex, I am not dominant. I read mostly romantic bdsm or non-consent stories and they get me so turned on.

Have no clue what to do about it as I hate being told what to do but get turned on by D/s stories and the idea of it (to an extent).

Click to expand...

There is a difference between being a submissive and wanting to share your life with someone who can let you relax. Sharing with someone who knows you and knows what you need more than fixing dinner in the evenings or rubbing your shoulders occasionally.

As a Dom I am not 'on' all of the time. There are times when I need assurance and closeness. There are times when I need a shoulder to cry on. There are times when I need to let HER be the one who screams defiance into the tempest of life.

That does not make me a submissive. (Or a switch.)

I write fiction. Some of it has submission and dominance aspects built into the plot and characters. I like reading what I write. I like reading stories that are similar to what I write. I can even get invested emotionally in the plot and characters. That doesn't make me a submissive.

What makes me a Dominant is that I won't yield unless I'm forced to yield. I have authority issues that combine with my own sense of self to put me into positions where I'm either the guy in command (note; not control - command) or I'm not part of the crew.

That doesn't mean I can't be soft and caring. It doesn't mean I can't hurt physically or emotionally. It doesn't mean I don't need someone to care about and/or want someone to care about me. It means that I need people around me who will do what I need them to do. Because I know what I need AND what you need to do to make that happen.

See, that's the thing about being Dominant that seems to be missed quite often. Being in command means that you get other people to do what you want. If that turns out to wanting your lover to ravish you, congratulations you're still the one in command even if you seem helpless. Because you get what you want. (Some call this topping from the bottom but that's just picking a label to stick on someone.)

Last bit of advice, be yourself regardless of the label. You'll be much happier that way.

plesmore said:

How much of life is an effort to conform to a label? I like girls and I like guys - so the label is bi. Well this week I hate girls so am I now less than bi - now I'm straight? I guess I am asking if we spend too much time trying to fit into a preconceived notion of who we are suppose to be instead of enjoying who we are?

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For the win!!

HisArpy said:

There is a difference between being a submissive and wanting to share your life with someone who can let you relax. Sharing with someone who knows you and knows what you need more than fixing dinner in the evenings or rubbing your shoulders occasionally.

As a Dom I am not 'on' all of the time. There are times when I need assurance and closeness. There are times when I need a shoulder to cry on. There are times when I need to let HER be the one who screams defiance into the tempest of life.

That does not make me a submissive. (Or a switch.)

I write fiction. Some of it has submission and dominance aspects built into the plot and characters. I like reading what I write. I like reading stories that are similar to what I write. I can even get invested emotionally in the plot and characters. That doesn't make me a submissive.

What makes me a Dominant is that I won't yield unless I'm forced to yield. I have authority issues that combine with my own sense of self to put me into positions where I'm either the guy in command (note; not control - command) or I'm not part of the crew.

That doesn't mean I can't be soft and caring. It doesn't mean I can't hurt physically or emotionally. It doesn't mean I don't need someone to care about and/or want someone to care about me. It means that I need people around me who will do what I need them to do. Because I know what I need AND what you need to do to make that happen.

See, that's the thing about being Dominant that seems to be missed quite often. Being in command means that you get other people to do what you want. If that turns out to wanting your lover to ravish you, congratulations you're still the one in command even if you seem helpless. Because you get what you want. (Some call this topping from the bottom but that's just picking a label to stick on someone.)

Last bit of advice, be yourself regardless of the label. You'll be much happier that way.

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Thank you. This post is very informative. I appreciate it.

curvyjae said:

Confused because I am controlling in day to day life, meaning I like my routine and I want control of all things at all times, but when it comes to sex, I am not dominant. I read mostly romantic bdsm or non-consent stories and they get me so turned on.

Have no clue what to do about it as I hate being told what to do but get turned on by D/s stories and the idea of it (to an extent).

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Many people with a job such as yours end up enjoying submission in their sexual lives. Their subconscious mind controls their desires and it wants a change from the day to day life.

It's far from unusual for you to feel this way. I've been with many women who were a total boss at work, owned a business, hired and fired people, and when it came to sex, they preferred to be a whimpering submissive who made no decisions, had no choices and only did what they were told. They loved it.

It's not a spit personality at all. It's just your subconscious mind looking for a release from the stress of your day to day life.

curvyjae said:

Confused because I am controlling in day to day life, meaning I like my routine and I want control of all things at all times, but when it comes to sex, I am not dominant. I read mostly romantic bdsm or non-consent stories and they get me so turned on.

Have no clue what to do about it as I hate being told what to do but get turned on by D/s stories and the idea of it (to an extent).

Click to expand...

Believe it or not this isn't an uncommon problem. I think it's best described as you needing a safe space where you don't have to make any big decisions like you do in your day to day life.

John Blackhawk said:

Believe it or not this isn't an uncommon problem. I think it's best described as you needing a safe space where you don't have to make any big decisions like you do in your day to day life.

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the more I think on this, the more I believe it is true. I am tired of being in control at all times (sex at home just happens, we fuck and then we are done, you know, routine, no thought in it on either part).

I have been pondering this for a while. Outside of my relationships i tend to be shy around women. I am also a stay at home dad who cleans the house and does the laundry.

My wife works in an office where she is in command and has to manage people all day.

I have always been very aggresive in the bedroom but really had no clue as to what bdsm was really all about. We got into this at her request. She likes me to really take charge in the bedroom. At first i questioned it. Then i found this forum. Now i do not care why. She enjoys it. I am finding a side of myself that i never knew was there. I don't fit into the "dom" peg hole but we are definately not vanilla.

At the end of the day you need to do what makes you happy. I am 40. I am not rich but i can honestly say i am happy. That makes me feel like the wealthiest man in the world.

SalvDali said:

I don't fit into the "dom" peg hole but we are definately not vanilla.

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There is no performance threshold to indicate you're a dominant because you do X and you're not a dominant if you only do Y.

Being dominant doesn't mean you own the world and will destroy anyone who claims otherwise. It doesn't mean you have to force everyone to submit to you or else. You can be dominant and still be gentle and soft and caring and loving. You can be dominant even if your partner makes more income than you, is above the glass ceiling, is smarter, or is even the most self-assured person you know.

Being dominant means someone yields to you. Yields; not compromises with or works with or gets along/goes along with. They yield. Maybe not all the time, but when it's necessary or wanted or needed, they yield. To you.

Congratulations. Dom.

SalvDali said:

I have been pondering this for a while. Outside of my relationships i tend to be shy around women. I am also a stay at home dad who cleans the house and does the laundry.

My wife works in an office where she is in command and has to manage people all day.

I have always been very aggresive in the bedroom but really had no clue as to what bdsm was really all about. We got into this at her request. She likes me to really take charge in the bedroom. At first i questioned it. Then i found this forum. Now i do not care why. She enjoys it. I am finding a side of myself that i never knew was there. I don't fit into the "dom" peg hole but we are definately not vanilla.

At the end of the day you need to do what makes you happy. I am 40. I am not rich but i can honestly say i am happy. That makes me feel like the wealthiest man in the world.

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Those of us who explore the sexual experience beyond the 2-5 minutes many people experience should feel blessed that they have found something extra in life. A lot of people never go beyond the basics and while that's OK for some, many also feel there is something missing.

Some people are like me and have always known they were into the BDSM style of sex. Some are introduced to the kinker sexual areas by a partner. Sometimes it's a couple who feels they need something to spice up their sex lives and in their Google search, they find BDSM or D/s or B/D.

Whatever the reason people find this different avenue to sexual satisfaction, living out your fantasies, exploring your deepest desires...or just trying something new on a Sunday afternoon, I see this as very healthy, both mentally and physically.

The key to all of this is there is no normal. Everybody is different. Sure, you can maybe say one of you is in charge and the other is the follower, but you don't have to go as far as to say one is a dom and the other is the submissive.

Maybe you like a little bondage, or some spanking. Maybe a blindfold will introduce new adventures for you. None of that has to be labeled as BDSM in any way. It just has to be what the two of you want to try.

Many of us on here hate labels, just because they tend to pigeon hole someone into a specific group. And for someone just starting out, this can be troublesome, because maybe they don't feel like dressing up in leather and handling a flogger or forcing their partner to call them Sir or Master.

The most I could say to anybody just starting out is to read things and maybe watch videos together to see what the two of you enjoy. Then, take it from there. Maybe you find segments of a story that sound interesting or part of a video that looks like fun. Maybe they are a little too far out for you, but you might want to try a tamer version of it.

GO FOR IT! Do your own thing. Don't try to fit into any structured label, and don't assume you have to do or be anything you read about, just because someone article written by some guy who calls himself Master has said you should. That guy could really be a 14 year old kid, who has read all of the Old Guard books.

Personally, I don't consider myself a dom or anything like that and I've been doing this sort of thing for well over 40 years. I don't wear any dom style clothing or force my partner to call me Master. I just like to tie women up, maybe spank them, play with their minds a little in a sexy and devious way and maybe deny and force orgasms. Oh, and of course, I do enjoy electroplay and anal sex, but that's just me.

Once you get into it, you'll find that you like some things better than others. You'll might filter out some things and get more intense with others. You'll start to refine your choices and maybe introduce other things you originally thought you didn't want to try.

Create your own labels. Create your own fun scenes. The only template you need to worry about is you and your partner's satisfaction. If you accomplish that, you're doing it correctly.

dale124 said:

What's so confusing? Everyone likes a change from time to time. The beauty of bondage is that it takes the control out of your hands. If bound and helpless, you have no choice but to do what the other person tells you to. And if gagged, you can't even complain about it. If you're a control freak, it will either be heaven or hell, depending on whether you know how to relinquish control. But I don't think the hard part is relinquishing control. The hard part is finding that person you can trust enough to give that control to. I'm still looking myself.

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*nods*