BDSM: Questions and Answers

The Switch

I think ya'll have hit the concept perfectly in several ways. One is that people want it confirmed that their way is best. If they can't switch, they don't want other's too either - or isn't the ability not to switch a weakness of sorts? On the other hand, as a sub, in the beginning, I wanted to be with dominant's that were fulltime doms. If they switched, they felt more like peers and I could not relate to them as doms afterwards. The same is true for the doms. When someone switches, it's hard to relate to them because their roles change.

When you are at a party and one time a person is a dom, accorded all the domly adoration, and the next time they are a sub and you are peers getting in trouble together - well, it just sends a confusing message. It's not a bad message, but it is hard to adjust from one time to the next and this may be where some of the confusion and non-tolerance comes from.

Now that I've been around (no comments please!) I enjoy the switches (of the people sort heh!). It doesn't bother me the way it use to. Maybe it's because I'm more relaxed with myself and comfortable in making my own definitions. When people start out learning, they usually migrate strongly to one side or the other and don't want to muddy the water until they figure out just what it all means. I have no idea if I'm making sense or not .

About subs topping

No, I'm not talking about whipped cream, although we could . I'm talking about when a subs is made to, or enjoys topping. I have topped on occassion and at first it did make me very uncomfortable. I felt that topping was wrong for me because I was doing something that "doms" do. Now, I enjoy it! I have to be in the right frame of mind, and it has to be the right peson - but I enjoy giving to my sub friends the feelings and sinsations that I enjoy. I don't look at it as topping as much as playing together. And, when my Master and I play with someone together - that is really awesome! Can't wait for tonight because ... well never mind! But I just can't WAIT!

I think for a sub to top, they have to be very secure in themselves and realize that topping is another form of submission - giving pleasure and pleasing. Kinda like cats. Everyone knows that you own the cat but everyone also knows that you do everything for the cat and the cat does very little for you. Who owns who?

Flash cotton

Fire play is not for everyone that's for sure. It's a bit edgy. If you ever get a chance to sample though - go for it. Just a teensy bit in your hand and WHOOOF, gone in the blink of an eye but it looks so cool and feels better.

Wax

I have never understood how I can love getting cut with a knive, lashed with a single-tail, flogged with a cat but I can't stand hot wax. Goes to show that everyone is a wuss with something . I hate hot wax play. It hurts. Like little lava balls burning through my skin. Makes me go "ouch". Hahaha. Flash cotton? Sure! Fire play with torches? Sure! Wax - please nono nonono! I'll be good really I will!

Steamychik, you made perfect sense.

I know how you feel about being a wuss. I like biting, bruising, and wax. Needle play (for me) is scary, scary stuff. I wonder if it has something to do with pain tolerances?

cym, you envy switches and I envy your piercings.


Who knows though? The first time someone spanked me, he (not my husband) ended up on the floor holding his jaw. Maybe it's less about the actual sensation of pain and more about the reaction of your partner.


(hehe, my turn to ramble...)

I have a BDSM question here please? I would like to know onceyou get into the spanking what are some of the best paddle and or whips to start out with. Right now we have only used bared hand suggestions?

BDSM

Well when I was younger I was completely against sex and I never ever wanted to have it ('cause I had an experience when I was young that turned me off of it) and I even considered changing my religion to become a nun. I was going crazy. But when I was about 12 I found the great thing of love. In my best friend. Us girls had played barbies and hung out together for 6 years. Until one day we were wrestling in the basement 'cause of a fight or something and all of a sudden she was on top of me and we gazed into eachothers eyes and we kissed. We had this relationship for 3 years until she moved away. Then I was thinking I was a lesbian until I had my first boyfriend (which was while I was fooling around with my best friend) and I realised I liked fooling around with him too. It wasn't until I was 18 that I realised I wa bi and that I loved being really kinky. I didn't realise it until my boyfriend and I tied eachother up and preformed oral sex on eachother. I loved having no control. And I looked some stuff up and realised that I was submissive. The sexual acts just went farther and farther to him fingering me outside, spanking me, tying me up and then my big day came when i met this amazing girl named Brooke and we were at this party talking for about 4 hours or so. And we went into the coat room and she jumped me and started fooling around with me. My boyfriend walked in on us and although he was mad, I made him watch and he got in on the action. That was one of the best nights I've ever had! But I didn't realise I liked it so rough until one day we were in the hot tub together (my bf and I) and I slipped off my bottoms and sat on the jet under me. I didn't realise how horny I had become until I grabbed my boyfriend and told him to burst my cherry (it was my first time with him) and fuck me hard. We did it right outside in his hot tub with his sister upstairs. The neighbours heard us and looked out the windows and we just kept fucking our brains out. It hurt soo bad but I loved every minute of it!!! It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I'm soooo glad I'm the dirty bitch I am today!!!! WHOO HOO!!!

Kitten dear, I hear you. This is now the first thread I check.

We are freaks? Or should I say, you are freaks? No, as cymbidia so sweetly says. Sex is in the head. So I am here, where I belong.

Okay, are we taking turns rambling? Cause I mihgt. If allowed.

Writerdom... hot wax? I should try. Believe it or not, for any who have read my srp's and stories. I have never tried 90% of what I write. How wax? ice cube. Feeling tingly.

Attention - rambling (most of it redundant) ahead!

well – I know I am a little slow lately on responding so you better prepare for lot of cluttered unsorted rambling about all the lately discussed topics of the thread .. in no particular order.

GOR
Been there – done that *lol* online! And I got tremendously bored with the endless ceremonies. There is just no way I can find enough reason to see why a glass of whatever has to be transported and handled this or that way instead of being served with grace and style but simply get done with it.

I read the Beauty series then inbetween – a thrill, but “far out” in many parts for my liking, and I realized I much more like the psychological aspect of the D/s scene, the power exchange over the pain aspect.

So I checked back on GOR – but now I was caught with the problem that there isn’t much room for a Domme there and I got even more annoyed with the arrogance of some online members of this community (again we are talking the phenomenon that about every guy who is an arrogant ass can online declare himself a Dom and have girls flogg in and curl up at his feet - those later whimpering and complaining about cruelty and abuse *shaking head*).

And then there is one thing about GOR I don’t definitely support … it is the “theory” that all females are meant to be slaves /submissive! As much as there is the evolution theory bent, there is just NO WAY this is going to work as an explanation (damn I really got a few good laughs out of throwing this theory at some female friends and you would be surprised how many fall for it though *weg*)

I still enjoy reading the GOR books (and some other John Norman stuff – although his writing isn’t high standard at quite a few passages) merely cause I like female subbies *winks* but I can not subscribe to the theory that slavery is desired by all females and that there is no consent needed!

In my eyes though (as has been stated somewhere) there is the power exchange aspect in the focus of the “gorean” approach as “opposed” to the more pronounced s/m aspect in what is maybe a “normal” BDSM relation (geeze – I admit it , it feels odd to classify those and find words to make an understandable distinction *lol*)

which pretty much leads to my own perception of a perfect D/s relation …

as it is, the gorean slave is just that 24/7, there is not such a concept as having a sub for ONLY sexual reason / gratification – and I very much like that aspect of a D/s relation. There are so many little things I get a kick from and they do not involve any pain or sex at all! (Just to straighten out all moans now - there are BDSM relations that are exactly like that but just not refering to Gor when they chose that arrangement)

There is one of my main turn on’s to just know my sub is preparing him/herself for me … the knowledge I have the power to make them beam with joy and pride when I speak a word of approval, I have the power to make them wear what I choose them to wear, and the knowledge that they trust me enough to feel save in giving themselves to me so completely – not only their body while they are tied up at my mercy but even in those moments when they could refuse or when they themselves are not gaining any “immediate, direct” pleasure. (I hope anything of that made sense)

Wax / Fire Play and other forms of intense physical playing
Not to worry my pet *s* no flash cotton for me and you! No fire play at all apart from .. oh well *G* never mind …

As by now is most likely rather obvious I am not a “good” Mistress for those seeking intense pain – maybe I will go there eventually but have not done so yet. but then again - my pleasure is giving pleasure (even though in a twisted way as most “out of the lifestyle” onlookers may think). My pleasure is fulfilling the needs of those who have given themselves in my care as much as they do fulfil mine. And again – I derive a lot of pleasure from little things that may not seem related to sex at all. It is the special intimacy between a Master/Mistress and their sub that it the biggest turn on of all (for me at least)!

That said – there is nothing wrong with a flogger or paddle put to use, or a strap-on or some restraints and a blindfold, ice cubes and candles and (thanks to WD) some coins *winks*

which directly takes me to the next topic:

Switches
In many aspects of my life I am a defender of putting myself in the “other ones shoes” before judging or thinking myself an expert. This is valid for as many parts of my life as possible including the D/s scene, specially when it comes to s/m activities.

I feel much better to handle my “toys” knowing their effect first hand .. I need to know what sensations my flogger causes when hitting skin, I want to know what it feels like to be helpless and blindfolded – how hot exactly is hot candle wax when dripping on tender flesh? There is no better way I guess than seeing (*lol* or not seeing) for yourself. (this is why so far my sessions involving intense pain are limited since I am not willing to have a go at it on myself and thus do not know what I am doing to my sub – and I am NOT AT ALL feeling comfortable then)

I am not saying I wouldn’t eventually try – but right now I have no desire nor has it been expressed by my subs (thankfully) to go there. Should he/she ever desire a piercing or such I sure would do my best to provide the most intense experience possible – just not by my hand!

I like to know what sensations I am creating in my sub – the feeling of helplessness, maybe embarrassment and humiliation (although my abilities to “let go” are limited in that respect I am afraid) just so that I can see for myself what damage I may be doing. On the other hand I do want my subs to top at times… because I think they too need to see that it is not easy to be in charge – in control. I am aware that just as I can not let go easily they will not feel very comfortable but that too is important – it is important to be aware that I can not read their mind, that I need to trust them as much as they need to trust me, that they see that the use of a save word is not their choice but their damn DUTY, I as a Domme have to be able to rely on !

I think it is hard to believe from the way it looks – but we are deeply and fondly in love of our respective partners. We seek their pleasure as much or more as ours and we would do anything to avoid hurting each other in any physical (you know how I mean it) or psychical way.

and …. I admit it, from time to time I love being passive and “helpless” and see what my little pet has come up with for my pleasure, and yes , I do get pleasure from “submitting” to an expert Dom sometimes (read Dom NOT Domme *winks* - geeze, what a thrill to feel an expert “at work”, no better way to learn for further reference *g*) the bite of a well handled flogger is after all a stimulating sensation. But I admit it – it is in those cases mostly a “role play” and not a dedication – not sure if that made a lot of sense either….


mhh – anything I forgot? well, it will pop back to mind and I shall continue my rambling then *s*

Telling a switch that s/he is a fraud is like tellign a doctor that s/he is messed up for becoming a patient sometimes.
It is illogical and very, very arrogant.

My lover (who happens to be a doctor--ironic, huh?) is a switch. With me, he has only topped. I cannot even begin to describe how erotic it is for him to have me bound and covered with erythema and panting and dripping wet and then for him to lean in to me, pressing against my back and describe each emotion, sensation, desire that is going through me--and then to take that on up, up, up to a more intense level--
he is so good, because he has been there and he desires it the same as me.

In this whole debate about switching, my comment is that sometimes I like vanilla. Sometimes, I like apples. Sometimes I like salt. Each has its place in my life and none conflicts with any other. These can even complement each other at times. If you don't believe me, just come and take a taste

Of my apple pie.

Sigh... my lessons never end.

What is erythema?

Merelan said:

Sigh... my lessons never end.

What is erythema?

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I think they were a European pop group of the 70s.

Merelan said:

What is erythema?

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Sorry, y'all.

Erythema is reddening of the skin. It can be caused by abrasion (rubbing), heat, infection, assault, radiation, etc.

I was searching for the word that seemed to fit the best and it is one of those that is used and understood in my life and home and not in most people's.---Didn't mean to confuse, sorry.

Oh yeah--one more thing:

You say it like:

/air--ith-EE--muh/

a pretty shade of pink works for me


It amazes me how many medical people are in the lifestyle. My experience has been mostly been with nurses, and a few other technical subgroups. And a few female medical doctors. Heard some interesting stories about male docs too. Never met a Psych major who wasn't kinky.

BlondGirl said:

Erythema is reddening of the skin. It can be caused by abrasion (rubbing), heat,

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Could be fun.

infection, assault, radiation,

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YIKES!!!
Pass!
Pass pass pass...
I'm taking a pass on this kinda play!!!!!
GEEZUS you Texans play hard!




By the way, BG, you had some WAY good news lately, didn't you? Want to share that with the rest of our little community here? We'll all cheer for you in this one, i just know it.

cymbidia said:

Could be fun. YIKES!!!
Pass!
Pass pass pass...
I'm taking a pass on this kinda play!!!!!
GEEZUS you Texans play hard!




By the way, BG, you had some WAY good news lately, didn't you? Want to share that with the rest of our little community here? We'll all cheer for you in this one, i just know it.

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LOL--Gee! You make it hard for me not to comment, don't you, Cym?

About the erythema, it can be caused by all kinds of things. (ie--in determining radiation dosages, one is called the "erythema dose" or how much x- or gamma- radiation it takes to cause reddening of the skin. People who have radiation treatments actually get "suntans" in the area being treated from it.)

Now for the positive news.

Last year, I developed several masses in my left breast (including the tail--the area that extends into the armpit). It was terrifying, but I went to a buddy that works in Ultrasound and asked him to examine it--he did not have the right kind of probe (only abdominal and vaginal wands) and was unable to do a good exam. I then hit up a buddy in mammo--she did a quickie where she saw several small ones. A month later, I had my official exam where the doctor found one the was 2 1/2 cm's across, along with several other smaller ones and one in my right breast. They were determined to be benign but it was recommended that I do a one year follow up.
It has been a year, I went to have the follow up mammo US done (They don't do regular mammograms on women my age unless there is a good reason.) and lo-and-behold, it was someone I used to work with in the old job. He was there doing temp work--he did the exam and told me that he saw
...
...
...
nothing that was not normal tissue and...
...
...
...
..
.
No indication there were any masses there EVER!!!!!!!

It has kept me high all weekend and I can not help but to thank God repeatedly for this wonderful gift to my body and soul.

I asked around to confirm and was told that the type of tumors I had do not disappear, they might shrink, but they don't just abracadabra.

WOOHOOO BG!!!!

It is always a HIGH to hear things went out well for someone - specially since in our time and age you never know if you are gonna find something scary the next time you go to a check up yourself, so a good dose of hope and good news is always welcome!

Thanks for sharing!

Yeah!!!!!!!! Always love hearing when someone gets a clean sweep, as we say in my family. Besides makes me happier about calling today to set up my exam. Have to have it every year due to family history. I don't see a big deal about it, but my friend is coming with me this time for her first. She, of course, has heard all sorts of horror stories about being squashed and hurt. I never have, but that might be cause I am built on the small size. Anyways. Told her she could watch me go through it and then her. If she is a good girl I take her to lunch afterwards.

But it makes me wonder. Why do women feel the need to share all the horror stories about the mammogram and childbirth. As soon as you mention it out they come. "My Aunt's first cousins neighbor's dog had that and....."

Or "that's nothing honey. The pain they caused when they did...."

Grrr... I thought we were all on the same side?

Exactly, Merelan.

Everyone tells the bad stuff and that's why BG's good-stuff news is so welcome.

We all have to have this test. We all do (or should be doing) monthly self-exams. At any time, any of us could find a mass where there has never been a mass before. Who knows what causes them these days, besides genetic predisposition. Our air? Water? Exposure to background chems? Amount of UV radiation we got as a kid running wild and free on San Diego's beaches all summer? Ahem. Okay. So that last one is specific to me...

Anyway, great news, BG. Part of your euphoria must be living free of the fear after a year, hmm?

Great news BlondGirl. Enjoy the freedom from fear.

As always, cym has great advice. No matter what your age, if you have adult breasts you should be doing a monthly self exam.

Merelan, we women always have to share our experiences -- good, bad, or indifferent. But it seems like we remember the bad ones a lot longer than the good ones. Good luck with your exam. Remind your friend that even if the mamo is painful, it's much better than the alternative.

Ditta the group BG, high five girl!

Wonderful, wonderful news.

Steamy

Great news, BlondGirl!

I know how hard it is to go through the fear caused by a lump...watched my mom go through it. I'm so glad for you that it's over now.

Hecate--I'm adding you to my list of BB heroes. Your words on switching were eloquent and admirably open.

BlackBich--Sorry I couldn't call you. If you want to hear the whole gory story, I'll be glad to PM you about it. I guess it's October, huh?

WriterDom--I totally agree with you about Psych majors and medical types. I'd also add performing arts people to the list of the statistically-kinky.

Cymbidia--Woman, do you ever answer your PMs?

Take care all,
Risia

Thank you to everyone for the congrats about he positive results of my follow up exam.

One thing I would like to point out though is that men get breast cancer also. It is typically more dangerous though because men ignore it either out of ignorance or pride--"A breast lump is something that only women have, right?" I have forgotten the statistic, but I think it is around 1 out of every 50 DIAGNOSED cases of breast cancer is men--it is estimated to be in the same volume of actual numbers but often has mets in the lungs and the origination can't be accurately determined.

As for why we have so many cases of cancers that occur now...we live longer. As the average lifespan increases, the odds of mutations also increase. Example: It is hard to develop COPD with only 30 years of bad habits but easy with 70 years of naughtiness.

Skitten said:

I have a BDSM question here please? I would like to know onceyou get into the spanking what are some of the best paddle and or whips to start out with. Right now we have only used bared hand suggestions?

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Others in this thread have already commented on their favorite floggers and whips. If you're just getting started, you might want to try ping-pong paddles. Some come with a smooth surface, while others have a rough texture. You can find good ping-pong paddles at toy or sporting good stores.

You can also use mens leather dress belts (not the buckle end though ) Folding the belt in half, holding both ends in your hand, makes an effective smacking tool. Holding the buckle end, and using a belt like a whip takes a lot of practice. It's much easier to learn to use a real whip.

In rural areas, you can get horse whips at your local feed and tack store. In the urban areas, you may or may not have a fetish store where you can see and try different whips. Hope this helps.

Submission aids

I have a question for the submissive women reading this thread. Take a look at these dresses, how do they make you feel? Do external things like these dresses. particular scenery, or specific role-playing help you to feel more submissive, or is it just a mental submission that you enjoy, and the clothing (or lack of it) is immaterial?

I love the odress!!! my goodness. Made me blush to think of wearing such a thing, yet would feel sexy and pampered too. The site that linked from there had a few interesting things too, but alot of sleazy slut stuff too. Though that has it's time and place too.

Now you have me thinking about the odress.