Couples: Frequency of BDSM vs. vanilla sex

Couples: Frequency of BDSM vs. vanilla sex?

As much as I enjoy getting kinky, my experience is that it takes notably more time, especially around planning. negotiating, set-up/clean-up, and aftercare. It's certainly worth it for the thrill, but sometimes we just don't have the time and energy to go that route - Sometimes we just want a quickie before the roommate gets home, or a morning romp before work. I also find that kinky sex tends to be on the "fun fucking" end of the spectrum rather than the "emotional lovemaking" end. I think both types are important in a substantive relationship.

Particularly those of you in established relationships, how do you find the balance between kink and vanilla in your sexual relationship, and how much of each do you tend to have relative to the other?

DuckLover said:

As much as I enjoy getting kinky, my experience is that it takes notably more time, especially around planning. negotiating, set-up/clean-up, and aftercare. It's certainly worth it for the thrill, but sometimes we just don't have the time and energy to go that route - Sometimes we just want a quickie before the roommate gets home, or a morning romp before work. I also find that kinky sex tends to be on the "fun fucking" end of the spectrum rather than the "emotional lovemaking" end. I think both types are important in a substantive relationship.

Particularly those of you in established relationships, how do you find the balance between kink and vanilla in your sexual relationship, and how much of each do you tend to have relative to the other?

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It might take time to negotiate all that, because it's still an unfamiliar setting or not as common between you two as are the usual kinds of intimacy. I assure you, that as you come to understand and fully know a person's kinks / desires, you can ramp right up into a hot scene in no time at all. Just as there's quickie vanilla romps, so too are there quickie BDSM romps.

One thing in particular is that when you finally get to figure out why a person loves or does the thing they do, enacting those scenes can unleash huge floodgates of emotion that can put to shame any "normal" night of emotional lovemaking. It's powerful and sometimes straight scary when you're shown just how deep some scars go and how delicately they cope with it in their day to day lives.

At the end of the day, I imagine that whatever toys or methods you use to have fun, it'll grow into what it is you both need from each other. Some BDSM acts are downright Disney romantic when seen through the other's perspective and some vanilla acts can be harsher than any whipping.

Ummmm...

When I have "kinky sex", it doesn't generally involve any sort of setting up, negotiating, planning or aftercare. It's kind of called A) being compatible and B) giving a lover what he wants, because he wants it. I suppose laying in bed, tangled up and naked, talking about current events and the latest books we've both read and such could be called aftercare, but that tends to happen kinky sex, or not.

I don't have "kinky sex" and "vanilla sex". When I have a lover, we do what he [and I] want, when he [and I] want, and how he [and I] want. There really isn't a line that separates things into BDSM sex, or not.

"Lovemaking" is so stupid. Yaaawn. Also talk about super physically uncomfortable for me too.

The most vanilla my sex gets is giving him head, and even then it's BDSM in my mind. Our scenes don't take really any planning, negotiating, etc at all either. I just lie down, make a few suggestions, and he does whatever's most interesting to him at the moment anyways. Clean-up is a towel because we don't use insertables. Aftercare is nonexistent for us because we don't need it. It's not like either of us immediately gets up and goes to do something else, but I wouldn't call lounging around in bed watching cartoons aftercare.

With my current partner, I mix it in during every sex session. I mean, even if it's just little comments like, "Fuck me like you own me," or "make it hurt." Then again, I'm in a pretty vanilla relationship right now. When I'm in a D/s relationship, I prefer to have a 3:1 ratio of rough sex. (Therefore, for every three rough sex sessions, I like to have one that's really affectionate and more laid back.) But that's just a general statistic! It really depends on the partner and the mood, obviously.

All our sex has elements of Ds in it. Because our whole relationship does. Basically we either do exactly what he wants, or I beg for what I want and he gives it to me or denies me. I always want to be dominated, degraded, hurt, used. But he likes gentle sex too. So even when it's gently "vanilla" sex it's really not because it's me submitting to his current need for the gentleness.

We have not done anything that required an elaborate set up, in the 14 years we have been together. We barely do bondage, he positions me and tells me not to move and I don't move. Grabbing a belt or cane is about all the prep we ever need.

It's sounding so far like a lot of it depends on how big a part of the relationship overall is kinky. I really appreciate hearing all the perspectives so far and look forward to more.

Thinking about where she and I now, I'm realizing that what I'd consider truly vanilla sex has become pretty rare for us. Our kink runs more toward BD. On kinkier nights, the setup is about ropes or cuffs, maybe a flogger or other toys, that kind of thing. But even for quickies or quieter times, I realize I'll still pull her hair or we'll both pinch and bite each other's nipples pretty hard. That was definitely NOT a common thing in my previous, less-kinky relationships.

Other thoughts or experiences about how your relationships navigate deepening kink or the frequency of expressing it?

DuckLover said:

It's sounding so far like a lot of it depends on how big a part of the relationship overall is kinky. I really appreciate hearing all the perspectives so far and look forward to more.

Thinking about where she and I now, I'm realizing that what I'd consider truly vanilla sex has become pretty rare for us. Our kink runs more toward BD. On kinkier nights, the setup is about ropes or cuffs, maybe a flogger or other toys, that kind of thing. But even for quickies or quieter times, I realize I'll still pull her hair or we'll both pinch and bite each other's nipples pretty hard. That was definitely NOT a common thing in my previous, less-kinky relationships.

Other thoughts or experiences about how your relationships navigate deepening kink or the frequency of expressing it?

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There really isn't any One True path that might define the BDSM as it pertains to your relationship. As you and your partner both experiment and experience certain things, you'll either develop or drop traits as time goes on. Some things you envision as being particularity BDSM, might become your new normal that takes as much planning as if it were a grocery list being checked off.

A lot of things become automatic when you can interpret and respond to your partners slightest body cue / language. You just have to remember to keep asking questions to each other and keep the lines of communication open before you get used to something they might really hate.

moonbeam17 said:

One thing in particular is that when you finally get to figure out why a person loves or does the thing they do, enacting those scenes can unleash huge floodgates of emotion that can put to shame any "normal" night of emotional lovemaking. It's powerful and sometimes straight scary when you're shown just how deep some scars go and how delicately they cope with it in their day to day lives.

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We've had some hints of this come out, and she's shared some of where it comes from. I'm pretty convinced that there's still more that hasn't surfaced yet. And while that idea kinda scares the heck out of me, being a catalyst or conduit for that kind of catharsis seems like one of the most meaningful, intimate things I could do for someone I love.

Maybe it's time to get rid of the roommate.

I appreciate this thread, as I've been having similar thoughts lately. We've been very much focused on the "play times" we have, and taking turns switching. We don't always switch, as we like to go with the flow, but generally we try to keep it even, as we both seem to prefer switching. It was a couple months before I had a really bad week, and just wanted some emotional love-making. Communication is key! I think as long as you're in tune with each other, you should be able to find a balance pretty easily in time. Personally, I like our play, and only ocassionally desire more vanilla sex. It's usually when I'm hurting emotionally.

As far as scars, I'm also having similar wonders. Boy suppressed his desire to sub all his life, had little experience in past relationships. He opened up to me, telling me he'd always felt broken. A big part of this for me has been to show him that his desires are very normal, and practically common! People just don't talk about bondage over dinner! But I'm wondering what, if anything, else may come out of this emotionally.