New Dom- quick question...

Ok, so sometimes my sub likes to intentionally break the rules. Most of the time this isnt much of an issue because i jist deal her punishment then and there... but she has this thing about doing it when she knows I dont have time to punish her, or in front of family (we keep them in the dark about this aspect of our relationship)... other than making a mental list and just keeping track to punish her later, what can i do to curb this behavior?

HeavensSir said:

Ok, so sometimes my sub likes to intentionally break the rules. Most of the time this isnt much of an issue because i jist deal her punishment then and there... but she has this thing about doing it when she knows I dont have time to punish her, or in front of family (we keep them in the dark about this aspect of our relationship)... other than making a mental list and just keeping track to punish her later, what can i do to curb this behavior?

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In my view, the first thing to do is to find out what's going on in her head. It seems possible that she doesn't get off on being bound to rules or that what really turns her crank is manipulating you into or during embarrassing moments. Until you understand her motive for, as you call it, breaking the rules, then you won't have a clue how to proceed.

I was never one to establish a lot of rigid rules. Rather, my partners and I always had expectations for each others' contributions to the relationship. We each felt 100% responsible for the success of the relationship. If one or the other of us disappointed the other, then we talked it out and figured out how to make things work better. That's what worked for us; your mileage may vary.

I've started asking myself:

Is this rule stupid?

I know that's sacrilege. But whenever I've had issues with repeated problems, I investigated the rule and how important it is, and whether it's there just to be there. (Which some people love, but I don't have time.)

I've got a few. But all of them would be massively relationship-evaluation-level WTF if broken.

Even if I decided the rule was stupid, I'd want to know why it's being tested in front of people neither of you are out to.

HeavensSir said:

Ok, so sometimes my sub likes to intentionally break the rules. Most of the time this isnt much of an issue because i jist deal her punishment then and there... but she has this thing about doing it when she knows I dont have time to punish her, or in front of family (we keep them in the dark about this aspect of our relationship)... other than making a mental list and just keeping track to punish her later, what can i do to curb this behavior?

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"We agreed to a D/s relationship. That means I lead;you follow. If you ignore the dynamics of the relationship (insert examples when you've felt manipulated), we have no D/s. So when you're ready to do what we agreed on... let me know."

And then drop it. No more D/s, because if one of you is playing the games and the other is taking it seriously, you don't have D/s now.

HeavensSir said:

Ok, so sometimes my sub likes to intentionally break the rules. Most of the time this isnt much of an issue because i jist deal her punishment then and there... but she has this thing about doing it when she knows I dont have time to punish her, or in front of family (we keep them in the dark about this aspect of our relationship)... other than making a mental list and just keeping track to punish her later, what can i do to curb this behavior?

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Why does she sometimes like to break the rules?
Have you discussed this with her?

Does she like the punishments you give her? I wouldn't intentionally break a rule if I knew something was going to happen that I didn't like. I agree with the others in that you should evaluate the rules and punishments, have a talk with your sub, and come up with a solution from there.

You have some much more experienced voices here already, so I would certainly listen to them.

That said, maybe also consider this undesired behaviours punishment to be something she has to inflict upon herself. It might flush out what her real needs or motives are. Funishment vs punishment is a good thing to sort and then decide what nourishes and what drains you both.

Another thought is that I know for me there are environments including family gatherings where I dress my behaviours differently for a variety of reasons. Maybe something to consider if you see a pattern that links the off behaviour to where you are at the time.

These days I'm learning more and more that the work about relationships is usually about the maintentence/damage control of status quo or about the expansion of one or both of you. Neither is right or wrong, it's a matter of deciding what you want to spend your energy and time doing.

My best wishes to you both.

She says she is "testing me"... she is a trained sub, and says i have to "make her respect the rules"- it just drives me nuts when she does it knowing i can't do anything about it right then... and the rules are already discussed and agreed upon by the both of us... thanks for the advice folks!

HeavensSir said:

She says she is "testing me"... she is a trained sub, and says i have to "make her respect the rules"- it just drives me nuts when she does it knowing i can't do anything about it right then... and the rules are already discussed and agreed upon by the both of us... thanks for the advice folks!

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Bullshit. And trained by WHOM, exactly?

You're either worth submitting to (under the agreed upon terms), or you aren't. If she doesn't feel safe, comfortable, invested, whatever enough to comply with the rules SHE AGREED TO FOLLOW, you are in a D/s relationship with yourself (and her... when it's convenient).

The Mouse's definition of submission:

Submissives, submit.

Now, is it possible that she's just being a Smart Assed Masochist or brat? Maybe...

Do you want a relationship with a SAM or a brat? Is it your preferred relationship "style"? If the answer is yes - have fun. If the answer is no - give her the opportunity to follow your program, or find someone who wants to more than the current chick does.

CutieMouse said:

Bullshit. And trained by WHOM, exactly?

You're either worth submitting to (under the agreed upon terms), or you aren't. If she doesn't feel safe, comfortable, invested, whatever enough to comply with the rules SHE AGREED TO FOLLOW, you are in a D/s relationship with yourself (and her... when it's convenient).

The Mouse's definition of submission:

Submissives, submit.

Now, is it possible that she's just being a Smart Assed Masochist or brat? Maybe...

Do you want a relationship with a SAM or a brat? Is it your preferred relationship "style"? If the answer is yes - have fun. If the answer is no - give her the opportunity to follow your program, or find someone who wants to more than the current chick does.

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That's what it sounds like to me. I had a sub who would do that so when we were done with the vanilla crowd she knew she'd get disciplined. It's the vanilla equivalent of a wife whispering in her husbands ear "I want you to fuck me when we get home."

It could be that Cutie and Rimmy are on to something and she is just provoking "funishments".
The "I'm testing you" could also be meant in a teasing way. Depends on how it was said. It could also mean that she is actually testing you.

Either way, you have to decide if this is a game you like to play. If not, maybe it's time to remember that you have the right to limits too and have a serious talk with her about where this is going.

HeavensSir said:

She says she is "testing me"... she is a trained sub, and says i have to "make her respect the rules"- it just drives me nuts when she does it knowing i can't do anything about it right then... and the rules are already discussed and agreed upon by the both of us... thanks for the advice folks!

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One thing that is curious about D/s relationships is the control, much of which can, oddly, lie in the hands of the sub. For it to work the sub has to want to submit, and can choose not to. However, for me that choice generally signals the end of the D/s relationship as it currently stands. Deliberate disobedience and not acceptinpunishment can simply mean it is time to quit!

CutieMouse said:

"We agreed to a D/s relationship. That means I lead;you follow. If you ignore the dynamics of the relationship (insert examples when you've felt manipulated), we have no D/s. So when you're ready to do what we agreed on... let me know."

And then drop it. No more D/s, because if one of you is playing the games and the other is taking it seriously, you don't have D/s now.

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COMPLETELY Agree!