Dipping my toe in the water

Hey everyone! *waves* I'm Honey

I hang on the PG, mostly, and in AmPics when I have time. I consider myself a sub, but really I think pleaser is a more accurate description.

I've recently found myself in a situation that is really stretching me, and so I'm biting the bullet and *gasp!* posting for the first time, hoping I can get some helpful input.

Not long ago, I was approached out of the blue by a switch who wanted me to act as his Mistress. Being pretty open-minded about giving things a whirl before saying No, I agreed to try it on a trial basis and see. Well, the Mistress thing really didn't work for me--I couldn't find enough in that role for me to identify with. I was very close to calling it off when by happenstance, we hit upon something that opened a door for both of us, and now I am his Mommy.

There. I said it. *giggles*

Because I am a mother irl, a lot of this is second nature to me, and I can almost run on auto-pilot. Ironically, these are often the areas in which his Dom side is most likely to question me, and I have to be stern and tease him a little with something like, "Are you the mommy now?"

But it can be helpful that he is able to access his Dominant qualities so quickly, because there are some areas in which he really needs me to lead, and "please" myself over him, and I often get stuck and my natural tendency is to withdraw from play and go quiet. I am thankful that he is able to pick up on that quickly and we keep talking until I find a way through.

I'm not a Domme---I think perhaps "service top" is the term that applies here? It's challenging for me, but I like learning new skills, and experiencing things from another perspective, and getting inside other folks' heads. {hee hee}

I'm wondering if there are others who are/have been in a similar situation, in which they were choosing to "play against type" to a certain degree, and how they worked out the issues which most required them to behave differently than their natural bent.

To be clear, I am not trying to be something I'm not. My natural desire to nurture and care for people is very strong, and that has become the foundation for our relationship. There has been a marked difference in the dynamic since we shifted to this approach; for the most part it flows really well, and I think we're both pleased with that.

Hi Honey. It's nice meeting you.

I don't have any advice to give. I have just had a relationship come to an end today. I was struggling very much with being more assertive, as this was a need that he expressed, because I cared deeply for him and, like yourself, also have a strong desire to please. I tried stepping way out of my comfort zone but I just was not able to do it. I'm trying hard to discern why this is.

I'm looking very forward to seeing the responses to your question(s).

Wishing you the very best of luck in your new relationship. *hug*

All_4_Love said:

Hi Honey. It's nice meeting you.

I don't have any advice to give. I have just had a relationship come to an end today. I was struggling very much with being more assertive, as this was a need that he expressed, because I cared deeply for him and, like yourself, also have a strong desire to please. I tried stepping way out of my comfort zone but I just was not able to do it. I'm trying hard to discern why this is.

I'm looking very forward to seeing the responses to your question(s).

Wishing you the very best of luck in your new relationship. *hug*

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Hi, All_4_Love, it's nice to meet you, too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. I know you must be hurting a lot right now.

There is a D/s thread on the PG, in which several people comment on not trying to be someone that you aren't. Perhaps you were trying to over-reach, in an effort to please him, I'm sure, but you shouldn't have to stretch beyond your true limits. {{{hugs}}}

I couldn't do this if my partner wasn't equipped to step out of sub mode and provide reassurance and encouragement from time to time. Also, this is not my primary relationship, and I'm certain that makes a difference.

I'd like to reiterate, the first version we tried did not work. We had to keep talking and tweaking and exploring until we found something that *did* work. And now, for the most part, we're able to have fun with it. There's usually going to be a lot of work involved in the beginning, that's how you build the foundation of any good relationship. But if you've been in it a while and it's still more work than fun.....perhaps something is amiss and it's time to reevaluate?

Poly did not click for me. Oddly enough, because NOW I'm non monogamous like only a convert come to a religion. When I was 26 I was a whiny little pill about the whole thing and completely new to it.

What made it click for me was that she stuck to her guns, she did not kiss my emotional boo boo just because I showed it to her, she did not relent or negotiate at all - she was going to have sex with other people, if I didn't like it, tough.

For me, making that arc was my erotic coming of age. It was definitely being forced out of my comfort zone by someone with a lot more maturity than I had at the time. At some point, there was a huge light bulb of a moment, and it wasn't because we processed every moment like the handbooks tell you is the only healthy way to do things or negotiated or set boundaries together.

Not sure that helps, but it helped me.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

Hi, All_4_Love, it's nice to meet you, too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. I know you must be hurting a lot right now.

There is a D/s thread on the PG, in which several people comment on not trying to be someone that you aren't. Perhaps you were trying to over-reach, in an effort to please him, I'm sure, but you shouldn't have to stretch beyond your true limits. {{{hugs}}}

I couldn't do this if my partner wasn't equipped to step out of sub mode and provide reassurance and encouragement from time to time. Also, this is not my primary relationship, and I'm certain that makes a difference.

I'd like to reiterate, the first version we tried did not work. We had to keep talking and tweaking and exploring until we found something that *did* work. And now, for the most part, we're able to have fun with it. There's usually going to be a lot of work involved in the beginning, that's how you build the foundation of any good relationship. But if you've been in it a while and it's still more work than fun.....perhaps something is amiss and it's time to reevaluate?

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I think the part I bolded is really important, because I think a lot of people are able to work on a continuum.
If you have a way to express your submissiveness, it's quite possible there is a more dominant part of you that can come out to play in certain situations. For others it might be the other way around.

I think every relationship really needs the kind of tweaking you describe, to work in the long run.

Bumping for a friend.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

Hi, All_4_Love, it's nice to meet you, too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. I know you must be hurting a lot right now.

There is a D/s thread on the PG, in which several people comment on not trying to be someone that you aren't. Perhaps you were trying to over-reach, in an effort to please him, I'm sure, but you shouldn't have to stretch beyond your true limits. {{{hugs}}}

I couldn't do this if my partner wasn't equipped to step out of sub mode and provide reassurance and encouragement from time to time. Also, this is not my primary relationship, and I'm certain that makes a difference.

I'd like to reiterate, the first version we tried did not work. We had to keep talking and tweaking and exploring until we found something that *did* work. And now, for the most part, we're able to have fun with it. There's usually going to be a lot of work involved in the beginning, that's how you build the foundation of any good relationship. But if you've been in it a while and it's still more work than fun.....perhaps something is amiss and it's time to reevaluate?

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Thank you, hon. I've read quite a few of your posts here on Lit in other threads. You're a remarkable woman.

Thank you for taking the time to extend to me your words of advice and encouragement. Good luck to you, lady.

hang

This ex of yours is a dope, I don't know you and I already can tell how wonderful you are.
You are an emotional plane of power and grace and beauty. Don't forget how wonderful you are.

beardedmariner said:

Bumping for a friend.

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*snort*

cripple92996 said:

This ex of yours is a dope, I don't know you and I already can tell how wonderful you are.
You are an emotional plane of power and grace and beauty. Don't forget how wonderful you are.

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Please pardon the thread jack, Honey.

I am not completely sure that this is addressed to me, but I am assuming so, as I have spoken of an ex on this thread. If so, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. This is one of the most beautiful compliments anyone has ever given me. If not, I hope to receive one just like this some day.

All_4_Love said:

Please pardon the thread jack, Honey.

I am not completely sure that this is addressed to me, but I am assuming so, as I have spoken of an ex on this thread. If so, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. This is one of the most beautiful compliments anyone has ever given me. If not, I hope to receive one just like this some day.

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I'm sure it must be for you, Dear.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

I'm sure it must be for you, Dear.

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(((HUG)))

My wife discovered we like spanking and a few other kinky activities early in our relationship. Of course, we both ended up wanting to be the one to get spanked. She tried doing it for me but it wasn't something that worked for her. As we experimented, we found that while she didn't mind being the dominant one, she hated seeing me as the submissive one. Thankfully, she is an open woman, so she gives me license to play with others when I have an overwhelming urge to be submissive. However, over the years I learned it is not easy to be dominant when you are not naturally wired that way, even if you want to change. I am happy to say that I did change though, primarily by reading lots of dom flavored literature and practicing. We had some really bad nights, but now we have mostly good ones. I even grew to enjoy and look forward to spanking her. I think that if she had not allowed me to be myself, even outside of our marriage, I would have resented her for it and our sex life would not have evolved as successfully as it has over the years.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=58036898&postcount=2


(I wonder if I've written enough by now that I can answer every thread with a post I've already made.)

Primalex said:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=58036898&postcount=2


(I wonder if I've written enough by now that I can answer every thread with a post I've already made.)

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well, aside from the fact that I disagree with your original statement.....how is it supposed to be helpful to me?

"I was very close to calling it off when by happenstance, we hit upon something that opened a door for both of us"


What was it?

subwannabe said:

"I was very close to calling it off when by happenstance, we hit upon something that opened a door for both of us"


What was it?

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We discovered a shared kink.

To have fun here, I've had to show my dominant side more than I would have thought/preferred. But if you think of what drives your sub side crazy and then apply that in a giving sense instead of a receiving sense, it should be something you enjoy. And as in any type of liaison, sharing information about turn-ons and turn-offs is vital

Wild_Honey_66 said:

We discovered a shared kink.

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I figured that. This is literotica. Can't you elaborate a little more? Please, please, please.

subwannabe said:

I figured that. This is literotica. Can't you elaborate a little more? Please, please, please.

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She said what it was in her OP.

You know, this is Literotica. There are lots of stories on the subject with really hot, sexy details.

subwannabe said:

I figured that. This is literotica. Can't you elaborate a little more? Please, please, please.

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I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable sharing more than that.

All_4_Love said:

She said what it was in her OP.

You know, this is Literotica. There are lots of stories on the subject with really hot, sexy details.

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well, there was something very specific. but oddly, it hasn't become a regular part of our play. it was more the key that opened the door to a room in which we could both feel comfortable playing.

we've kind of forgotten about it (lol), for the moment, anyway.

there are always so many things to choose from and to enjoy.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

well, there was something very specific. but oddly, it hasn't become a regular part of our play. it was more the key that opened the door to a room in which we could both feel comfortable playing.

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FunFilled80 said:

A buffet of pleasure and pain.

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*reaches for fan*

Woo... It's starting to get a little hot in here.

FunFilled80 said:

A buffet of pleasure and pain.

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Yes. As I said before, I am not a Domme, so I am not as comfortable with the pain aspect as others may be. Thankfully, he's letting me ease into the whole thing, and as I learn what really cranks his engine, I find myself able to spread my wings and try out new ways of pleasing him.

Here is something from today: One of the kinks that we don't share is O denial--he loves it, I loathe it. So I struggle trying to meet his needs in this area, as I tend to want to allow him to find relief from the discomfort as soon as he starts commenting on how difficult it is to wait. We have talked about it several times, and I'm beginning to understand, but slowly. A couple of days ago I was feeling brave and decided to enforce some denial for the first time--I told him that he was going to have to wait until Monday for relief. Today when he mentioned that waiting was hard, my heart turned to mush rolleyes:) and I worried that perhaps I should let him off the hook today. Here's a portion of our conversation, including a comment from him that opened my eyes:

Me: Are you asking for permission to cum?

Him: No, I'm just saying. (that waiting is difficult)

Me: I want it to be fun for you, not miserable. (me, projecting, wondering if I should call it off)

Him: It's all fun! Miserable fun is part of it. Denial. Agony. Patience. Minding.

Me: Okay...if you're sure....then I want you to wait!!


"Miserable fun is part of it." lol! It made me laugh, but I understand him a little better now.