Kinky People in Vanilla Relationships

I don't envy you your situation. We always said our relationship would not survive without the kink factor we both love, even though we love each other deeply and more than any other we have been in a relationship with. Unfortunately we are now going through a difficult time for just that reason. I developed a multitude of serious health issues, he bit by bit withdrew from having kink in our life, I had no energy to keep trying to convince him it was OK to continue as we had always been (plus he felt that just mentioning I wanted and was OK with it was topping from the bottom), and it basically blew up in our faces because we were correct in saying we could not endure a relationship without it. Fortunately we have a solid foundation and love and are working through it all and finding ourselves again, but it has created a lot of hurt and pain which we would have preferred to avoid. I hope you find a way to work it out for both of you.

Catalina

catalina -- Thanks for sharing that. I wish you both all the best as you work things through together.

Sexy_NArkansas said:

Thank you for your post. I can identify a little with what your feeling and it is good for me to see others have similar frustrations. I married a very conservative and religious man. He was my high school sweet heart. The only man I have ever kisses much less had sex with. He is only interested in sex maybe twice a month and hates my big breasts. I always have to keep a shirt on during sex. He has never touched them. I've never had an orgasam during sex. I feel as if I am missing out on so much.

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Sexy_NArkansas-

My heart hurts for you after reading this post. To me your feelings are correct, you are missing out on so much more! Your beautiful body is not being embraced and explored but rather covered and your power is being stifled. While I believe it's a true gift of self that the only man you have been intimate with even down to a kiss has been your husband, I feel as though he is not cherishing that gift. I wish you all the best.


OP- while I have no advise I hope that you ultimately find yourself truly fulfilled.

~r

ecstaticsub said:

catalina -- Thanks for sharing that. I wish you both all the best as you work things through together.

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Thanks. It is a mix of good and bad days, but we're hanging in there and trying to overcome all the damage we caused each other. His patience impresses me, just hope it continues.

Catalina

Stella_Omega said:

Folks, remember-- not every longterm relationship will automatically include making babies.

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i wish we could "like" these posts, like on facebook

*Shakes head*

Sexy_NArkansas said:

Thank you for your post. I can identify a little with what your feeling and it is good for me to see others have similar frustrations. I married a very conservative and religious man. He was my high school sweet heart. The only man I have ever kisses much less had sex with. He is only interested in sex maybe twice a month and hates my big breasts. I always have to keep a shirt on during sex. He has never touched them. I've never had an orgasam during sex. I feel as if I am missing out on so much.

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Can't even begin to put into words how much THIS bothered me.

See my name Sexy_NArkansas? Want to guess how I would feel about those big breasts? I would lavish them with attention, and you'd be fighting me off with a stick on a daily basis. And that never had an orgasm during sex thing? Yeah. Have you ever received oral from this "man"? I'd bet not. Well you would from me. Enthusiastically. Until you begged me to stop.

I have unsatisfactory aspects of my sexual relationship too, (which will be mentioned in another post. This one is simply to respond to something that touched me) and I thought I had it bad. I've got a Carnival Cruise compared to you.

If you ever get out California way, drop me a line and I'll show you how a real man appreciates a big breasted woman. No one should go through life never knowing true sexual fulfillment.

Okay, now that THAT little rage rant is over, I can throw my other two cents into the ring. Post will likely be long, so hang in there.

I became sexually active around 13. It was with my girlfriend at the time (who was the same age) It started innocently enough, then eventually we are doing "everything but", and we were wild. She would blow me in public, (usually between sips of a slurpee. That temperature contrast will curl your toes) I splattered her breasts and face with my cum, she would swallow it, etc.

We eventually had sex (prom night, daaaaawwwwww) and there were many times she would climb in my lap in the front seat of my truck to "manipulate the stick", all in public, with very real danger of being caught.

This shaped who I am sexually today. I want to give a woman facials. I grew up doing it, I like it, it gives me pleasure. My wife has a hang up about anything near her face. This includes non-sexually as well. Splash her with water on the face in the pool, look out! So facials are out, period. And I'm supposed to just be okay with that.

She hates PDA's, can't give her a quick fondle, usually not even at home by ourselves. I used to fuck in public. But nope, any public fooling around is out, period. And I'm supposed to just be okay with that.

But the truly frustrating thing is when we were dating, she was almost totally different. The woman who I practically have to beg to put my dick in her mouth now once blew me in a Laundromat, that was open, during the day. And swallowed my cum thirty seconds before someone walked through the door. (SUCH A RUSH)

And now our son is four. I got the "Moms don't do things like that" argument. I still believe it is BS, and a cop-out.

And now I'm realizing I have a very strong dom streak that is becoming more and more assertive. I have nights where I'm so pent-up from being shot down repeatedly that I just start ravaging her in my sleep. I've woken up mid-fuck many many times. She'll barely touch my dick with her mouth, five days ago I willingly buried my tongue in her ass for the first time, and now WANT TO DO IT MORE, because it's NEW and EXCITING, and not the SAME OLD SAME OLD. "Oh want to have sex? Put on a condom, here's missionary! Enjoy!"

I want to do these things with her. I don't want to do them with someone else. My wife has put on weight during our marriage (so have I, to be fair) and I don't even care. I want her as much today as I did on our wedding night. I'm just NOT GETTING HER. As time passes and I see more and more things no longer on the table for sex, and my sexual time continues slipping away, the temptation is there to get my fix elsewhere. I haven't caved yet, but I'd be lying if I said I've never thought about it. As Ron White once said "I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me once and a while it's hard to keep me under the porch."

How do kinky people survive in a vanilla marriage? We bottle it up, shove it down, and try to keep the rice cooker from exploding all over the kitchen, or we cheat. Or we divorce. Great choices, I know.

Marriages absolutely require concessions and compromises to work. Seems like there is very little compromising going on in this topic for the benefit of the kinks, from the posts that I have read (and one written). No wonder divorce rate is 50%. Not everyone can live their entire lives pretending to be someone they're not. Nor should they have to.

Bleh, this has a much more negative tone than I wanted it to have. Oh well. It's honest. And that's what matters.

Like a few other posters mentioned there are quite many kinky things that traverse the border between vanilla and not vanilla and that can be vanilla to him and kinky to you

I'm sure you can think of a couple!

This thread hits home for so many reasons. My spouse has no desire to be anything but vanilla. We have talked about it several time and she just doesn't have any desire or willingness to be dominant.

I have the same situation. I have been married to my husband for almost 16 years, together for 17, and I absolutely love him. Hlwever, the sex is fairly boring, but thankfully I have a great imagination. He has actually gotten more reserved the longer we've been together. While I just want to have sex way more often. The MMF menage BDSM books get me over the hump, so to speak.

We did discuss it recently, and agreed on my finding someone over the net for now. No IRL metings, and that may or may not change in the future. So, that is something. However, we really have such a great relationship otherwise, that I can work within our limits/boundaries when it comes to sex.

I wonder if, to some extent, those of us with real BDSM desires yet a vanilla relationship are wanting to have it both ways. Before I was married I had a girlfriend who introduced me to the pleasures of BDSM - in particular D/s (since for me it was largely about the psychological side). We went to clubs, munches, were involved with some truly amazing people and I learned a lot (I'm academic/intellectual in my preferences, so when I get into something I tend to read up a great deal).

The thing is, along with that open, creative, playful nature she had (she was in an experimental band, etc, etc) she was also borderline crazy. I won't go into all the stuff that happened, both so as to avoid identifying her (a risk, however small) and because I have a certain loyalty to someone with whom I had a significant emotional commitment. Suffice to say that, near 'the end of the affair', she threw a knife at my head so hard it embedded itself into the wall. That was perhaps the most dangerous thing, but certainly not the most awkward/embarrassing thing.

She was also very emotionally needy, had no job for a long time and also for a long time made no financial contribution to the flat, bills, etc. It was, to use a cliche, the classic roller-coaster relationship. I ended it, and it was tough - I felt incredibly guilty, as on some levels it was a very intense relationship.

My next girlfriend was the polar opposite. Calm, professional, independent with a good career (like me), sensible with money, etc, etc. Warm and loving too - I don't mean to imply she was somehow mean or cold - but without quite the same creative spark. I married her, and we've had some wonderful times and still will, I know. I don't regret marrying her at all, and she is certainly the love of my life.

But - here's the thing - I sort of made my choice. Now, I'm not implying that everyone into kink/BDSM must be kooky, etc. But the same kind of open-minded, creative impulses that lead people to explore their sexuality, write music, go on incredible wild benders that stay in the memory for ever - those kind of people don't tend to overlap too well with the stable, sensible, 'let's make sure we have enough for the car insurance' kind of person.

Of course it's not as black and white - as plain simple - as I'm rather implying here. But in my experience, in the Venn diagram of life, kinky/sexy people don't tend to overlap too well with sensible, safe, comfortable people. Before I get a flood of responses, of course some do, and I'm very happy for those of you that have found that sort of situation. It's more that, if I'm honest with myself, the choices we make do rather tell us what we really want out of life, very often. If I'd really wanted a wild time, crazy, frequent, dangerous sex, I'd have traded the charming cottage and the stable marriage like a shot.

In short - and I apologise for my rambling post - I suppose we - mostly - can't have it all. But that's not the end of the world. There are many ways of being happy.

DesEsseintes said:

My next girlfriend was the polar opposite. Calm, professional, independent with a good career (like me), sensible with money, etc, etc. Warm and loving too - I don't mean to imply she was somehow mean or cold - but without quite the same creative spark. I married her, and we've had some wonderful times and still will, I know. I don't regret marrying her at all, and she is certainly the love of my life.

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Are you sure your wife wouldn’t be open to kink? I ask because I'd assumed my stable, steady, calm, professional SO had no interest in kink. I’m the “crazy” one in our relationship (though not to the point of knife throwing!). The sex was good, but lacked that extra “sparkle”. It took 10+ years - the point when I decided I couldn’t face living vanilla the rest of my life - before I finally broached the subject of BDSM.

He was surprised, to say the least, but not judgmental. We talked every weekend for a month, trying to sort things out. He really had to adjust his ideas; he didn’t view me as submissive and he’d been raised to respect women. I’m still not sure if he waded into D/s because he had an interest or whether he just wanted to please me, but whatever the reason he’s embraced it wholeheartedly. In fact its actually a little unnerving how much he enjoys spanking me!

You know your situation best. I’m just saying things aren’t always as they appear.

Thank you - what a lovely, informed and thoughtful response. You are right: I haven't got around to talking about it, partly I think because so many other things are going right that it almost seemed selfish to ask for a perfect sex life too. We've only been married two years, though we were going out for five years before that, so there is (hopefully) plenty of time left!

I'm so glad things are going so well for you.

DesEsseintes said:

Thank you - what a lovely, informed and thoughtful response. You are right: I haven't got around to talking about it, partly I think because so many other things are going right that it almost seemed selfish to ask for a perfect sex life too. We've only been married two years, though we were going out for five years before that, so there is (hopefully) plenty of time left!

I'm so glad things are going so well for you.

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Thanks! Its actually breathed new life into what was already a good relationship, and not just sexually. Opening the lines of communication has kicked us out of the rut couples tend to fall into, and reminded us what we valued in each other to begin with.

I just wished I'd broached the subject sooner. Like your situation, the relationship was good, so I hesitated to rock the boat. To be honest I was terrified he'd freak out and I'd be forced to make a decision, kink or him. In retrospect, not clear thinking. Happy, long term partnerships require both parties get their needs met.

Feel free to PM if you need moral support. Best of luck!

I might just do that at some point, if you're sure, if only to pick your brains.

Thanks again - you've given me a great deal to think about.

This thread is the reason I went from lurker to poster.

This is exactly what has been playing in my mind since the very beginning of my awesome relationship with my awesome, yet vanilla, partner.

BDSM was a natural path for me. I am a bisexual woman with a high sex drive and have enjoyed exploring my submissive nature with previous partners. Most of these encounters were brief, intense flings. One of these turned into a long on/off relationship that made me decide to 'never go near a dom again'. It made me turn away from the lifestyle all together and some time later I met my current partner whom I have been in a relationship with for over 5 years now.

He's great. He is loving. He is caring. He is faithful. He is honest. ... but incredibly vanilla. He doesn't like experimenting. He has pretty strong values around the 'wholesomeness' of a relationship. Hell, he proudly proclaims to never even have watched any pornography.

If only he knew that his girlfriend is a BDSM loving bisexual. lol.

There have been times in the relationship where I was ready to leave him and decide that I could not deal with my sexual needs not being met. I always ended up coming back because at the end of the day: the love and the bond is there.

It means that I'm neglecting a side of me that flares up every now and then. The way I deal with it: read stories, discuss it with the only other sub amongst my friends in a similar situation and allow myself to fantasize.

Being unfaithful to him is not an option. Being without him is not an option. Thus, there is only compromise left. It is what it is. No matter how strong my needs are, at this stage in my life they still don't justify leaving him. It might stay this way or there might come a time when I need to rethink my priorities. Time will tell.

catalina_francisco said:

...trying to overcome all the damage we caused each other...

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This is one for the ages and likely resonates with so many here.

...I know it does with me.

I didn't settle for what it didn't make me happy and I would advice you to keep developing and looking and trying.
It is hard and there will be times when you will feel lost, lonely and regretful, but hey, that's life in pretty much every level.


My life experience may help you: he never ever mentioned kinky sex before I expressed my will to explore it and he turned out to be more kinky than I could take. It is difficult to find the one, that's for sure.

But that's not a reason to give up. Keep talking and give it a try, go little by little so that neither of you gets hurt in any way. Maybe he will surprise you. It may work for you or it may not but you'll never know if you surrender before even putting up the fight.

I believe the time will come when you will have your reward for being true to yourself and your partners.

OMG that could have been me writing this! It isn't fair that women's drives go cast later n life and men's drop off! He pushed, gently and respectfully, for anal for years when I finally did and now love it, it doesn't happen nearly enough! I want to be tied up, blindfolded and used and he just doesn't get it. Can't figure out why after 29 years I want these things! So like all of you, here I am being naughty o fulfill that need. I love him with my body and soul and he is awesome and sex is great but could be soooo much better!

I recently came to the realisation that I would need to find satisfaction elsewhere. It is hard when you love someone but have so many pent up desires. By coming online I feel I can feel somewhat fulfilled and go home and be a better partner

Its an interesting topic; kinky v vanilla. But meeting in the middle is wholly dependant on how far apart the partners are, its easier to bridge a small gap between say some light bondage and pure vanilla than perhaps vanilla and hard restraint, rough sex, dirty talk etc.
That said baby steps perhaps would edge some closer to where they are comfortable.

In our relationship its me that does the leading, bus the toys, sets a scene etc - occasionally whe she's pissed at me i get the ' your just a kinky bastard'....but underneath its a different story. Underneath when in the throes of passion all is good, and all is welcomed. Point is perhaps some folks who havent experienced a darker side to sex have no real reference point and the mental gate closes and tells them that its not normal, therefore it must be bad?

I had raised the subject of a few things in the cold light of day - ie/ how about/would you like etc....turns out my darling wife is unable to talk about sex in what i guess she sees/feels is a too open manner. So a few years back when we were sharing a bath one night i asked her if she fancied playing a game - the game was YES NO URRGH - well sort of! the premise was that we could ask each other a question relating to something sexual....to gauge the others reaction. I remember starting and deliberately keeping the questions well within bounds where i knew the answer would be YES, when i got a errr NO i'd either question why she said & felt that way or file it away to revisit. Turned out believe it or not that she fancied being spanked over my knee but had never had the courage or ability to raise it. We both learned a few things about each other that night.
I also have used a 3rd party way of raising topics so that there's no confrontation' - i read, someone told me etc....

the above won't work for all, but as an icebreaker could be useful?

as a final thought.
i understand that some people have a latent desire to have some form of kink in their life, but there are other sexual acts that are considered far more normal that some folks don;'t receive or hand out - oral/anal/whatever. I wonder how many would leave a relationship with someone they love because they don't get a blowjob?
sex ebbs and flows as we get older and as relationships go through various stages, hopefully the love and companionship in such a partnership will overcome some of the 'fringe benefits' that may be missing in terms of kinky sex.

Heatseekher said:

< I had raised the subject of a few things in the cold light of day - ie/ how about/would you like etc....turns out my darling wife is unable to talk about sex in what i guess she sees/feels is a too open manner. So a few years back when we were sharing a bath one night i asked her if she fancied playing a game - the game was YES NO URRGH - well sort of! the premise was that we could ask each other a question relating to something sexual....to gauge the others reaction. I remember starting and deliberately keeping the questions well within bounds where i knew the answer would be YES, when i got a errr NO i'd either question why she said & felt that way or file it away to revisit. >

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Thank you for the great idea!

I'm ALWAYS the one who initiates conversations about sexual preferences/interests. My SO listens, and is happy to deliver a request. But, its frustrating, as I identify as sexually submissive and would prefer he take more of a lead.

In our case its less about shyness than overanalyzing. BDSM is a new component in our sex lives, and he likes to think about things and take them apart before he takes action. (An engineer thing I guess. ) Maddening for me, though.

This sounds like a great way to try and create a more interactive type of conversation.

so sad that so many are in the same boat

i met my husband on a bdsm dating website, we fell in love and decided to get married, so imagine my shock when after the marriage it went to vanilla and then a roommate situation.

ive talked to him more times than i can count and aside from continued promises that things will get better, nothing else happens.

DO NOT COMMIT TO SOMEONE YOU DONT HAVE SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY WITH

its hard enough to maintain relationships without the added pressure of trying to change someone, and you ultimately will try to change them. If you've had the same kink for years it wont go away just because youre with someone who doesnt share that interest.

just my 2 cents

Hornywetcanuck said:

OMG that could have been me writing this! It isn't fair that women's drives go cast later n life and men's drop off! He pushed, gently and respectfully, for anal for years when I finally did and now love it, it doesn't happen nearly enough! I want to be tied up, blindfolded and used and he just doesn't get it. Can't figure out why after 29 years I want these things! So like all of you, here I am being naughty o fulfill that need. I love him with my body and soul and he is awesome and sex is great but could be soooo much better!

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The years sure can change our perspective can't they? We come to recognize what is really important to us.

ineeda_daddydom said:

i met my husband on a bdsm dating website, we fell in love and decided to get married, so imagine my shock when after the marriage it went to vanilla and then a roommate situation.

ive talked to him more times than i can count and aside from continued promises that things will get better, nothing else happens.

DO NOT COMMIT TO SOMEONE YOU DONT HAVE SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY WITH

its hard enough to maintain relationships without the added pressure of trying to change someone, and you ultimately will try to change them. If you've had the same kink for years it wont go away just because youre with someone who doesnt share that interest.

just my 2 cents

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Wow! This post sure hits home!