What should I do.

The fact that she has a mild case of cerebral palsy throws a monkey wrench into any diagnosis and advice we can give, although you could argue that if she was in the same condition before marriage as after marriage then you might be able to eliminate that from the equation. I'm assuming that the OP has tried to communicate with her on their problems but I could be wrong. Obviously that would be the best advice to give. I disagree that she has been trying to tell you that you are a dud fuck for a long time. While that could be true, it is but one possibility out of many. Something seems to have happened from before marriage to after marriage. It could be his fault. It could be her fault. It could be a combination. It could be something entirely different, such as a medical or mental issue. Also, this wouldn't be the first woman who did whatever she had to do to catch a man for marriage and then wouldn't put out after signing on the dotted line. Who really knows?

I think the wisest course would be for the OP and the wife to work with a counselor or therapist. I don't think this is a matter of blame, that the guy is a dud or the wife is frigid or whatnot, it sounds to me like there is an issue there that could very well be complicated by the wife's CP. Maybe she sees him more as a caregiver and friend then lover, maybe sexual intercourse is painful for her, maybe the husband's religious background is interfering with what she needs (I am not saying that is the truth, I am saying it is possible, some religious traditions have what I consider very weird notions about sex, especially those that claim only vaginal sex is moral). A counselor is there to help them figure out what they need and come together as a couple, and it is important. Even the most loving couples have trouble with this, expressing their needs and so forth, and for some it is very difficult due to circumstances and such.

Zeb_Carter said:

I'd like to comment, but a wall of text is just too much for these tired old eyes of mine. Would be nice if the OP knew about paragraphs and such.

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Ditto.

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Hi Emerson.

What you should do is talk this out with your wife, and together find a solution to your marital problems. This is what married couples do. They talk to each other! Don't tell us how much you love you wife, tell her! If she doesn't want to talk, tell her that normal married couples communicate and find solutions to problems in their marriage. Us telling you what to do here on Lit isn't going to help, she has to be part of the solution.

Oh, and I read the link that Eilan posted, (see below), and finding a hooker isn't a solution. That's just asking for more problems.

Eilan said:

Update?

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Harold_Hill said:

Oh, and I read the link that Eilan posted, (see below), and finding a hooker isn't a solution. That's just asking for more problems.

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I don't think he's looking for a hooker, just someone to satisfy his sexual needs, seemingly with his wife's permission. What's wrong with that?

LadyVer said:

Ditto.

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Hi Emerson.

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Hi LadyVer!

Hold up! Are you saying she won't do reverse cowgirl with the lights on? Ah, man, I see a Real Doll in your future.

beingtrue2me said:

I hate to admit it but this guy is right. Get what you give yannno. We are not as different from you as we used to be. Demand to be treated like you want to be and especially like you are giving or find someone that does for you what you do for her. May sound harsh but we tend to make things a helluva lot more complicated than it needs to be. Take care of you cause no one else outside of family is gonna give a shit and unless you believe some of the stupid shit on some of the fetish threads, family won't fuck you.

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My wife had cancer, two surgeries last year(cancer free now), complications during the second one she was in a medically induced coma for a week.

She sustained nerve damage to her right leg, they say up to a year before she is one hundred percent. She can only work twenty hours a week even though its close to five months after the surgery.

I have to do most of the housework now in addition to working full time and other responsibilities.

Our sex life which was once amazing, role plays, BDSM< fetishes....is pretty tough right now, she's uncomfortable, a lot of pain, tired, not conducive to being horny, but she tries and we do a couple of times a week, but I have to be careful, cautious, limited, its a little frustrating.

I think I am going to go tell her that according to you...I should probably just leave her...I mean hell, who knows, her cancer could come back and what about poor me?

What's sad is how my wife and her friends and family tell me how grateful they are that I am by her side and love her as much if not more than ever. I kept shaking my head saying "what was I supposed to do, leave her?"

You just proved them right, there are d-bags as self centered as that, guess you are one of them.

What is being over looked-because of course everyone is focusing on the damn sex life is the OP mentions that she treats him better than he could imagine being treated, that she is amazing to him, and if he is being honest about how much he does for her, then he is good to her to.

But leave her because of sex. That's his only gripe that I see here is the sex.

The post read backwards, he should have stated up front she has CP because reading through I was thinking...hmm what's the hell is up with her,...she has a disability for Christ's sake

Ditch her? YOu know what that would do to her, it would crush her.

But that's okay because he can then go get his dick sucked because that's all that matters....

Pathetic. Truly pathetic.

And you are a truly shallow worthless human being because those are the only types who run when things get tough.

lovecraft68 said:

What's sad is how my wife and her friends and family tell me how grateful they are that I am by her side and love her as much if not more than ever. I kept shaking my head saying "what was I supposed to do, leave her?"

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This is something that I struggle with in my own marriage. I am not ill by any means, but I am in awe of DH loving me in spite of all my shortcomings. I don't know why we do this to ourselves. We're awesome!

As to OP: Sexual frustration is difficult. It sounds like either (a) the two of you have different views on what your sexual needs are or (b) there is something, CP or other, that is keeping her from enjoying an active sexual life. Either way, the only way to solve the mystery is to talk to her about it and perhaps see a counselor/therapist as was suggested earlier. You can't know what she needs and wants unless she tells you and at this point it seems like there is something missing.

SweetSam42 said:

I don't think he's looking for a hooker, just someone to satisfy his sexual needs, seemingly with his wife's permission. What's wrong with that?

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I think the only difference in what he is looking for and a hooker is the price.

Just sayin'

As with so many of these personal advice things we all tend to comment based upon our own perspective or a perspective that we presume to be correct based on limited information.

Communicate and when doing so listen at least as much as you talk. Give fair and reasonable consideration to what she is going through especially any kind of illness or personal trauma. See the long road not just today's frustration. But also expect your partner to contribute to the dialogue and the relationship to the best of their ability. Maybe that isn't equally and that is ok. But don't put yourself in a position where it will always be one-sided because the other side won't make an effort.

There is enough information here that a reasonable person must consider her health situation as a major contributing factor........but there isn't enough to presume that to be the key driver. Having an ailment does not mean one is above milking it for personal benefit. Decorum, empathy and civility dictate that we not start with that assumption but common sense dictates we not rule it out either.

I have three close relatives with nominally serious illnesses that are entirely under control who never miss an opportunity to use it as an excuse to avoid things they don't like yet mysteriously feel better when something they enjoy is on offer. We always give them the benefit of the doubt, but if I had to live with them every day.......

Sorry, but I couldn't get past the fact you were expecting "proposal sex". That's a thing?

HaleyK said:

Sorry, but I couldn't get past the fact you were expecting "proposal sex". That's a thing?

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I've been known to make an unwholesome proposition, from time to time. I do not know that I would call it a proposal though.

That was entertaining (slow day on the story feedback thread). I stopped after

"she has to pee (which turns me off bc then I have to smell urine when she opens her legs)"

That still makes me laugh. Maybe that is her way of saying no to you without having to say it.

I didn't get to the end, but sometimes it's a choice between sex or love, which is more important to you?

You come across as one of the more stupid people I have come across here.

The idea that a persons intelligence can be determined by how disabled they are is a crock. If this was true, Stephen Hawking should have degenerated into an idiot as his ALS progressed.

Did you marry her because it was "your Christian duty" to do so? If that is true, then get a divorce, because she deserves someone other than the jerk you appear to be.

A relationship between people without a disabity is hard enough to maintain. A relationship/marriage with a spouse with a disability is even harder.

The most important thing you can do for each other is to TALK TO each other. The second one would be for you to listen and understand what she is saying to you. Working with a counselor that is knowledgeable about CP would be good.

From Wikipedia:

Cerebral palsy (CP) is a group of permanent movement disorders that appear in early childhood. Signs and symptoms vary between people. Often problems include: poor coordination, stiff muscles, weak muscles, trouble swallowing or speaking, and tremors among others. There may also be problems with sensation, vision, and hearing. Often babies with CP do not roll over, sit, crawl, or walk as early as other children their age. Difficulty with the ability to think or reason and seizures each occurs in about one third of cases. While the symptoms may get more noticeable over the first few years of life, the underlying problems do not worsen over time.

Your wife may find it painful to be in any position other than the ones you currently use. ASK her if using pillows to support her weight for any other position could help. ASK her how much pain she is in other positions.

http://hesperian.org/books-and-resources is one place to start for information.

My wife's brother had CP. He had many operations before I met him that allowed him use braces and walk to some extent. He was always in some pain. The first time I met him, he was such a pain that I ended up pushing him into his room and sticking a broomstick in his wheels. His parents and my girlfriend (future wife) about fell over laughing at this. I was the first boyfriend that ever did that to him. We became very good friends after that.

My wife was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy about 4 years after we married. There were many things we had to adapt to over the years as the disease progressed. Sexual positions that could not be used anymore was one of them.

Sadly, both of them have passed away from complications from their respective diseases.

Sorry to tell you this wideeyedgrin, but OP has abandoned this thread and moved on to solicit no strings sex from other women.